Original subtitles

[horse neighs]

GRUMIO: Are we nearly there yet?

MARCUS: Stop asking me that.

GRUMIO: I need to wee though.

I told you to go before we left.

I didn't need it then. Pull over will ya?

I'm bursting.

All right, but be quick.

I don't know if we can park it.- You can't.

That's the loading bay.

So that's a five denarii fine.

Oh, come on. mate.

You can't stop here unlessyou're loading or unloading.

Yeah, we just unloaded him.

And now he's unloading himself.

Stylax, I was bursting.

Oi, short ass, stop that.

MARCUS: Sorry, officer.

I did tell him to go before we left.

Is it yours then?

Sort of, but--

So make him stop.

Can you stop that, Grumio?

Not really, I'm mid-flow.

He's mid-flow.

Well, public urination is a 10 denarii fine.

Oh, eff off.

Oh, what a dickhead.

As is insulting a warden.

Right, terrific.

So that's five for the parking, and 10 each

for the piss and the dickhead.

Have a super day now.

Yeah, you too, mate.

Oh, I needed that.

Off we go then.

[clicks]

MICHAEL PROPHET, "WHEN IN ROME"]

[SINGING] When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

Just say no.

is that the law courts?

Looks more like a palace.

How come they've got so much dough then?

How do you think, Grumio?

They keep finding goons like us.

Hey, is that Fabianus?

What?

Ignore him.

He hasn't seen us.

Hey, Fabianus!

It's me, Stylax from school.

He's seen us now.

Hey, Stylax, wow.

Hey.

How weird, I had no idea youwere even in Rome, and Marcus,

and the little slave.

Hey, Fabianus, great to see you.

I'm called Fab now.

You here to pay a fine as well, Fab?

Oh, not quite, no.

I-- I work here.

You're a lawyer?

Yeah, for my sins, junior counsel.

That's amazing!

It's amazing they let a thicko like me do it.

It's just shouting in public,really, but for money.

What about you guys?

What are you up to?

Still a slave.

Ah-huh, and Marcus?

I'm a writer.

Oh, cool.

What kind of writing?

A real range, you know.

It's whatever happens to come to me.

He's a copier.

Oh, a copier.

Good for you, buddy.

It's a stopgap.

- I'm a charioteer. - Fab.

He's not really.

Training to be.

Yeah, that's how I got my ticket.

Training's more about speed than parking.

Ah-huh, let me see then.

OK, parking in a loading bay, public urination,

assaulting an officer.

Wow, you guys are naughty.

Yeah.

We're happy just to pay them.

Yeah, you don't need to.

The warden who issued thesefailed to put a serial number,

so they're not valid.

Yeah, you give them to Lydia in appeals.

She'll let you off.

Thanks a lot, Fabby.

Glad we ran into you.

Yeah, me too.

In fact, what are you guys doing tonight?

I'm having a little soiree at my place.

Nothing major, just some chicks, some chaps,

some chips, and some dips.

What do you say?

It'll be like old times.

[music playing]

MARCUS: No way!

We are not going.

Fabianus is a total dude.

But it's still a party.

And he's called Fab now.

The last time I went to one of his parties,

he wouldn't come out from under his bed

because he pooed himself.

And everyone was calling him flabby anus.

It was rubbish.

That was when we were 10.

And it wasn't everyone.

That was all you.

Bullshit, we all did it.

Nah, that was just you.

You drew the big bum picture on his locker,

and made up the big bum song.

[chuckles]

[SINGING] Flabby anus, flabby anus,

you got a flabby, flabby, flabby anus.

I stand by it, mate.

[laughs]

[music playing]

CENTURION: Shoe a bitty, lads.

Oh, what's going on?

I'm looking for your landlord.

What you want him for?

He's been housing illegal immigrants--

Shit.

--and dealing drugs, trafficking weapons,

trafficking people, engagingin extortion, bribery,

vote rigging, and murder.

Oh, he's in trouble then, is he?

I'd say so, yes.

Mr. Centurion.

Yo, got those papers then, love?

Sorry, my scatty slave still can't find them.

But I promise you we're not illegal.

So if there was any way youcould just let us off, please?

Nah, sorry, I can't do that.

Pretty please?

What does that mean?

Just the same asplease, except I'm pretty.

Still no.

Right, bear with me.

Do you think the landlord'sdone a runner, or what?

Hope so.

The rent's due tomorrow.

[music playing]

[chatter]

It's too big for me, frankly.

But it's close to work, so yeah, it's handy.

It must be very difficultto heat in winter.

Oh, it is.

That's why I put the hypocaust in, underfloor

heating all year round.

Sick!

I think where you live soundsfab though, all that hustle

and bustle, and-- and cattle.

Sorry, one sec.

Hey, babe.

So glad you could make it.

See ya.

So let me give you the tour.

[music playing]

Little balconette.

Holy shit.

I know.

I hardly ever use it, to be honest, because I'm

always at the bloody office.

Hey, thanks again for gettingus off those fines by the way,

Anytime.

I never forget old mates.

So if you ever need help, I'm here.

Likewise, as am I.

Oh, so sweet of you to offer.

But I've already got my own team of copiers.

Up here on the right ismy personal fitness suite

slash meditation studio.

Hmm.

Fair play.

Mm.

[crack]

Oh, fuck.

[music playing]

This is my own, personal Hades.

Why?

He's being really nice.

It's almost like he's forgottenabout all the bad shit

you did to him at school.

Of course he's forgotten, the smug git.

He lives in a penthouse.

He's having sex with her.

He's not thing about the big bumI drew on his locker at school.

[chuckle]

Oh, shit me.

It's Cordelia, from the year above.

Isn't that who you lost your virginity to?

Mm, sort of.

Sort of?

I never knew you can sortof lose your virginity.

You can, actually.

It was in a ditch behind the running track.

We were young and inexperienced.

She was tense.

And I was limp.

Limp?

How?

That thing's always on, when you wake up,

when you're having lunch, when you get

brushed by a woman or a breeze.

Yeah, thanks man, yeah.

I just can't believe she'shere after all these years.

I've finally got a chanceto set things straight.

OK, lovely.

See you tomorrow then.

Mm.

Marcus, I've had a bit of an accident.

Oh, what now?

You bloody idiot.

Just put it back. - How?

Just stick it back on or something.

- What with? - I don't care, Grumio.

It's your dick.

You deal with it.

[music playing]

Thank you very much.

[exhales]

Hi, Cordelia.

- Stylax Eurisces. - Hey.

Well, I'll be damned.

I haven't seen you since--

Yeah, I think we both know when

it was, behind the running track at school.

Of course, I can picture it now.

Yeah, don't do that.

Listen, I'm going to cut to the chase.

I need another crack.

Right, subtle as ever, I see.

I've got some killer moves now.

Oh, I don't know, Stylax.

I mean, you really think you've got it in you?

Whoa, I've got it in me.

And this time, you'll have it in you.

OK, that's romantic.

Sorry, what I meant is weowe it to our younger selves,

and our younger goolies to fulfill our destiny.

We'll be amazing together.

[music playing]

Come on, you bastard.

All right?

Yeah, fine.

Why are you holding my statue's phallus?

Why not?

Hmm.

[music playing]

So where were we?

Somewhere around here.

Oh, yeah.

But in a ditch.

OK, I'm ready.

Oh, you're--

I'm ready. Do it.

Put it in.

Um, just a sec.

Aren't you ready?

Um, yeah, yeah.

I'm ready.

Just bear with me.

Come on.

Put it in me, Stylax.

Yeah.

Come on, is it in yet?

Put it in me, Stylax, come on.

Uh, uh, I'm really sorry.

This has like never happened before,

like apart from that one time.

It happened again.

You're kidding?

Yeah, at one point I triedto salvage some dignity

and sort of fold it in.

- Fold it in? - Mm.

Like an egg?

More like a rope.

Oh, what was she doing?

Well, this is it.

She just lay there likea log, saying, put it in,

exactly like she did in the ditch, which

is standard when you're 15.

But now?

She's not learned a thing.

Neither have you, mate.

Uh, I've learnt loads, thank you very much.

I just can't work in those conditions.

She's got to wriggle around.

Well, did you tell her that?

Well, I was in noposition to criticize, mate.

My penis was like a cold, little acorn.

[chuckle]

As far as she's concerned,it's my problem.

Oh, that's not fair.

That would have happened to anyone.

Mm, not me, mate.

Well, maybe wait untilyou've had sex, and then--

Oh yeah, ha ha ha.

You're really funny.

I've actually had sex eight times.

So eff off.

- Eight? - Eight.

Is that all?

Eight's loads, and you know it.

- It really isn't. - It is.

And for all eight, I was as hard as a nail.

And as big as a nail?

No, bigger.

Your dick's the size of a big nail?

- No-- - Is it this thin?

My dick is as big as a tent peg!

That's good to know, waterboy.

Remind me to take you withme when I next go camping.

Yes, will do.

Waterman.

Now, stop all this squawking in here.

I have got a horrid hangover.

Yes, sorry, it's just, um, Stylax

couldn't get an erection.

Why was he trying to do that?

Not in here, in bed with a lady.

I see.

Wait in my office, shredder.

[music playing]

My husband routinely suffered from the droop.

And when it was at its peak--

so to speak-- he'd insist on using

a splint to prop the thing up.

Oh, that's clever.

It's not.

Splints mean splinters.

And that is frankly unacceptable,

even for someone of my admittedly

off-center proclivities.

Oh, ouch.

Your best bet is Carthaginian glory root.

You'll need to ask drugdealers, or possibly gardeners.

The street name is thegentleman's friend, or hell

mouth.

Hell mouth?

Yes, it makes the mouthsmell very much like hell.

So once taken, you can't kiss,or speak, or indeed open it.

So you will need to getstraight down to business.

Yeah, it shouldn't be a problem.

[moans]

[music playing]

Oh, so very good, and you?

All right then, Lord.

What are you doing in there?

Oh, no, just a bit of fun,a bit of, um, hide and seek.

Oh, who's doing the seeking then?

Well, the roses, I expect.

So what you got there then?

It's a stone penis.

I need to hide it fromthe guy who it belongs to.

What, so there's a stone guylooking for his dick, is there?

No, the real guy who owns the stone guy.

Oh, right, well, hide it in here with me.

Oh, wicked.

Cheers.

What's on the end of it?

That's pat .

Oh, how lovely.

Mm, mm, any chance of any more?

I'm starving in here.

Oh.

And, um, hush-hush, OK?

MARCUS: Hell mouth?

Yeah, or gentleman's friend,when I next see Cordelia.

Why would you want to see her again?

Just forget her.

Are you mad?

I have to stick it to her before she

starts trash talking my penis.

Who would she talk to?

I don't know, anyone.

Fab?

So forget that smug shit as well.

Let's never see either of them ever again.

Marcus, you have to help us.

Hey, what's up?

Figured out whathappened to those papers?

Yes, I think so.

Remember the cold snap when it was so freezing

that I couldn't get out of bed?

Or you wouldn't get out of bed.

Anyway, we ran out of kindling for the fire.

And whilst Mets went out tofind some, I sort of improvised.

And, well--

We don't have any papers.

Right.

But we do have a court summons.

You don't know anyonewho could help us, do you?

[music playing]

[sighs]

So you'll take the case then?

Marcus, it would be a pleasure.

[squeals]

Thank you.

That is so incredibly kind.

I don't know what to say.

Say nothing.

A friend of Marcus is a friend of mine.

He was always such a good mate at school.

Yeah, we should probably, uh--

Uh, before you go, actually, bud, I

don't suppose you know whathappened to my satyr statue

the other night?

No, why?

The phallus has been snapped off.

Oh, maybe his wife caught him cheating.

[laughs]

Yeah, it's not that.

Someone stole it.

And it's an antique.

But I'm sure it will turn up.

Oh, and Marcus, she's a peach.

Top work, buddy.

Oh, thanks, Fab.

GRUMIO: I thought the pat wouldgo well with a slice of bread.

Good thinking.

And then I thought I'd get some ham

to make it into a sandwich.

Didn't really ask for that, but--

Then I figured we wouldneed some wine to wash it

down with, and then a cake for after,

and a cheese course for afterthat, and then a chicken,

and another chicken.

Shall we have another?

Go on then.

He's forgotten about everything,

the big bum stuff, the drawing.

You sure?

100%, he just wants to be my friend.

And does he know about me and Cordelia,

and the whole floppy dick thing?

It didn't come up, so to speak.

Ha.

I need to get hold of that root, man.

Knocka doodle doo.

Fab, what are you doing here?

This is your office.

It's so cute.

It's like where the toys may live.

Was there a reason you came, or--

Yes, fab news.

We've got a date for Cynthia's hearing.

I know the judge.

He sits next to me at the arena.

Oh, brilliant.

Keen eye for the ladies.

So tell her to get dolledup, show a bit of leg.

And let's just say,he'll have no objections.

OK, bud?

Yes, bud.

Nice beard.

Thank you, I know.

Mm, cool guy.

[music playing]

[SINGING] When did I ever let you down?

When did I ever make you proud?

Now you are turning upside down.

I have got nowhere to go.

I don't need that.

Hey, come on, as if.

I can't find any glory root.

I've advertised myimpotence all over the city,

and can't find a single drug dealer.

[breaks wind]

Did our wardrobe just fart?

Phew, been holding that in for ages.

Grumio, why is thelandlord in our wardrobe?

I didn't put him there.

And what about the stone dick?

Did you put that there?

Yeah, that was me.

We've got a known criminal literally

squatting in our wardrobe.

You boys owe me rent for last week.

Give me rent for the wardrobe then.

How about we call it quits?

How about I call a centurion?

Or how about you let me stay, and I help

you look for the glory root?

Oh yeah, really?

Why look around for a dealer when there's

one right under your nose?

[breaks wind]

Oh, sorry, big lunch.

[music playing]

Where is he?

He'll be here.

Is this enough makeup, do you think, Mets?

Yeah, that'll probably do.

Here he is.

See, still fine.

Fab!

Fab?

We're this side.

Why is he sitting over there?

I don't know.

I just-- Fab!

Right.

What is it?

It's nothing.

It's just all legal, you know, jargon.

It looks like a big bum.

Mm, yeah, it does a bit.

Why is he giving us a bum picture?

Um, basically, funny story.

Uh, uh, at school I drew something very

like this on his locker, so--

Why?

Well, because his name is Fabianus.

So I used to-- everyone usedto call him flabby anus.

And there was a lot of anus themed, um--

Bullying?

It was banter, sort of one-way banter.

I thought he'd forgotten.

In the case of the Roman Empire

versus Cynthia Cogidubna,a Briton charged

with illegal immigration.

Who is prosecuting?

Fab Maridius Atika.

[applause]

And who is defending?

Uh, uh.

Oh, great.

Marcus Valerius Gallo.

Hello.

[slight applause]

If I can take you backto the night in question,

mid November you say, canyou please describe it to me?

Of course.

It was extremely cold.

Breathing was painful.

I'm sure you will remember.

I don't personally becauseI've got underfloor heating.

But I have obtained a weather report

from the city's meteorologists.

Let me read it to you.

[clears throat]

"The week of the 12th of November,

rain, scattered showers, windnorth easterly, temperature 17

degrees, unseasonably clement."

[gasps]

He's good, isn't he?

It must be very warm in Britain

if you find such weather cold.

Is it indeed warm in Britain?

[laughter]

Even I knew that.

Oh, shut your gob, will ya?

It's ponging. - Oh, good.

It means it's working.

It better be over soon.

I'm going to peak too early at this rate.

She claims that she is an actress.

I am an actress!

Yet I have no records of asingle performance to date.

I'm bad at auditions.

And so you turn to what exactly?

Dancing?

Stripping?

No.

I mean, I can dance, but--

Look closely, ladies and gentlemen,

and you will get your answer.

She may say that she is pure.

But her painted face and skimpygarb tell a different story,

as the trappings of her realtrade, a lady of the night,

a "whoo-re."

I am not a "whoo-re."

[laughter]

No further questions, My Lord.

Order!

Order!

Mr. Gallo.

Yeah.

Uh, f-- f-- firstly, she'snot a prostitute, Your Honor.

Cynthia Cogidubna is nice.

Although she can be, as this incident

proves, a bit of a ditz.

Piss off.

I'm not a ditz.

Yeah, don't heckle, probably.

Well, don't call me a ditz.

I'm sorry, you're not.

Cynthia is a credit to Rome.

She's fun, and friendly, andbeautiful, inside and out.

I can't take the testimonyof her lawyer, Mr. Gallo.

Character testimony can only be provided

by an impartial Roman citizen.

OK, so Stylax, I call Stylax Eurisces, please.

Is this man here?

Yo, here.

And, uh, are you preparedto take to the stand?

Would I need to stand?

Yes.

No, then sorry.

[laughs]

You two are a joke.

Oh, go fuck yourself, dick face.

Right, yeah, really clever, Gallo.

This man has no legal training, Your Honor.

He is a mere copier, who was recently

fined for urinating in public.

That wasn't me.

That was my slave.

The same slave who stole thephallus from my antique statue,

I presume.

Yeah, well, this man pooed himself

when he was 10, Your Honor.

That is neither true,nor pertinent, Your Honor.

Oh it's true, all right.

This man did a bigpertinent poo in his pants,

right out of his flabby anus.

Even though he's calling himself Fab now,

and he shags fit girls in his massive flat,

the knob is still justFabianus with the flabby anus.

And things just slip out his bum because it's

so baggy and flabby.

Are you finished?

No.

[SINGING] Fabianus, Fabianus, you've got

a flabby, flabby, flabby anus.

Your bum hole smells heinous.

You've got a flabby, flabby, flabby anus.

No further questions, Your Honor.

And what sentence are you proposing

for the Briton and her slave?

Deportation, Your Honor.

Done, they are to leave Rome in 10 days time.

[applause]

Guards, search his premisesfor the missing phallus.

Case dismissed.

Did that just happen?

Oh, no, no, come back.

Don't leave me now.

Come back.

Shit.

OK, Stylax. I'm ready.

Put it in.

Working on it.

I want it in me, Stylax.

Just put it-- oh, oh, Stylax.

Yeah, mm-hmm.

You're so hard--

Yeah, I know I am.

--and cold.

What-- what is that?

No, nothing, it's not really--

Is that-- is that a stone penis?

Stop doing it?

I reckon, yeah.

I-- I--

I was desperate.

You tried to penetrate mewith an inanimate object.

You're the inanimate object, mate.

You just lie there, just likeyou did in the ditch at school.

Just get the hell out.

Yeah, obviously.

This has, honestly, never happened before.

No sign of the phallus, I'm afraid.

But we did find this.

Sorry, boys.

All right then, Lord.

Well, thanks for having me.

Thanks for coming.

Keep walking, shit bird.

I'll catch you later then.

Be lucky.

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN FEAT.

VINCENT NAP, "I CAME I SAW"]

[SINGING] Ooh, ah.

Ah.

Get ready.

Ah.

Give me a pardon.

I came.

I saw. I conquered.

I came. I saw.

I conquered. I came.

I saw.

I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Gotta believe, I came.

I saw.

I conquered. I came.

I saw.

I conquered. I came.

I saw.

I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Yeah.

Can I conquer?

I gotta conquer.

I need to conquer you, you, you.