Original subtitles

[door creaks open]

JULIUS PRISCUS: Good afternoon, sir.

Have you given much thought tothe upcoming local elections?

Can't say I have as it happens.

Ah.

Then may I talk to you brieflyabout my own candidacy?

- Depends, what you got there?- Oh.

These are my promotionalplums, if you'd like one.

All right.

Go on then, I'm all ears.

Right.

Well, um, my name is Julius Priscus.

And I would like to represent you as tribune

for the Aventine district.

Oh, sweet.

If elected, I pledge to rebuild

our squalid apartment blocks and clamp down

on the crooks who run them.

Ah.

That's great that is, yeah.

Keep going.

I will invest in ouroverstretched public services.

Mm, I love that.

And give the localpeople whatever it is they

feel they need.

I need another plum.

Finally, I vow to run aclean campaign with honesty

and integrity to restore this vibrant district

to its former glory.

Magic.

So, can I rely on your vote then?

No, sorry.

Oh.

Why is that?

I'm a slave, aren't I?

Can't vote.

Cheers for plums though.

[MUSIC - OLI JULIANFEATURING MICHAEL PROPHET,

"WHEN IN ROME"] [SINGING] Yeah.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

VICTOR: Citizens of the Aventine, my name

is Victor of the Grachaee.

And I am a man you can trust.

[applause]

That is a very bad wig.

I know.

It's like a hairy plate.

[chuckles]

VICTOR: It's time to stopthe rot, to ban gambling,

whoring, and fine anyonehaving sex outside wedlock.

[applause]

Wig or no wig, that's just crazy talk.

And yet, this lot are loving it.

Not just the old codgers,but the young hotties

too like them, those two, and--

[applause]

MARCUS: Cynthia?

[applause]

Cynth, what are you doing here?

Supporting Victor. STYLAX: Oh, yeah?

Why?

He's a total dildo.

It's our job.

We're hired clappers.

[applause]

- [inaudible] - You're what?

You're being paid?

Mm.

Proper acting's been a bit thin on the ground.

So I'm doing a bit of clappingwork to keep my hand in.

Well, hands.

CYNTHIA: I'm not even listening.

I just wait till the end ofthe sentence and go berserk.

VICTOR: There should be nopublic toplessness, even

in hot weather.

[applause and cheers]

And I will ban public urination.

[applause and cheers]

I actually agree with that one.

CYNTHIA: You guys should totally sign up.

[claps]

It's as simple as that.

But you really hate his policies.

Yeah, but I really fancy his supporters.

I'll merely be applauding them.

And we need the extra cash.

I'm not working on my week off, mate.

I don't care how fit his followers are.

LANDLORD: Salve, boy.

All right, Landlord?

Well, no great, actually.

My knee's giving me gyp.

I have this crap on the walls.

And I got to tell thetenants the rent's going up.

- What, again? - Yeah, I know.

It's a bloody nuisance.

Well, not for you.

You're the one doing it.

No, it's not me, mate.

No, no, no.

I'm just a tiny cog in a big wheel.

There are forces out there thatare bigger than the both of us.

Number 12's all paid up.

Lovely.

You all right, lads?

Oh.

Ah, nosebleed.

Just sort of--

Actually, the extra cash could be good.

[music playing]

PHILO: Name and profession?

Marcus Gallo.

I'm a copier.

Any special skills?

None that I've discovered.

[chuckles]

Stylax Euriscs, charioteer.

I can whistle.

I can do that thing where you go--

I used to be able to, um-- ifyou just put down mad skills.

Hmm.

[snaps] - Oh, yeow!

Did you hear that?

I did, bruv, that was sick.

MAN: Salve, team.

Oh here comes the big wig.

New recruits in a line, please.

Those selected for the street team will

join Tarquin and his group.

Those selected for the officeteam will go with Clemens.

Street team.

Office.

Street team.

Hmm, oh, no, office.

Street team, office, obviously.

Street team-- - Thank you.

- Office. - Whoa.

Sorry, just a sec.

What?

Well, I prefer to be on the street team.

You're in the office.

- It's the office for you.- Right.

May I ask why?

You have more of an office look.

And what, sorry?

What look's that?

To be on street team, youneed to look-- how to put this?

Better.

What?

This guy is a dreamboat.

Give him another chance.

What, at being better looking?

- Yeah, he can do it. - Can I?

Do your handsome face.

What's that?

Smolder, Marcus.

Yeah, is it this?

Wouldn't have thought so.

Smolder.

I'm trying to smolder.

You'll have to smolderyourself a smalller nose,

I'm afraid.

Oh, come on.

I'm better looking than half this lot.

Not Tarquin, but I'm definitelybetter looking than that guy.

Even he'd admit that.

He's an absolute goblin.

Hmm.

Yeah, he is actually.

Stick him in the office.

Go on then, over you go.

[music playing]

Sorry.

Vote for Victor, the family man.

Put the family first with Victor.

Oi, ribbons.

Yeah.

It's, uh, Stylax, but--

You're bare jokes, bruv.

Yeah, just trying some movesto get rid of these flyers,

isn't it?

Well, let me show you one of my moves.

MAN: Vote for Victor.

He's a family man.

Nice moves.

Yeah it's a bit quicker, innit?

Much quicker, but also quite naughty.

Oh, there's much morewhere that came from, bruv.

JULIUS PRISCUS: Vote for Julius Priscus.

[chatter]

Julius Priscus for cleaner Aventine.

All right.

Vote for Julius Priscus.

Ain't that you? - Yes, it is.

Yes.

So why not just say vote for me?

Because then they won't know who

to tick on the ballot paper.- Oh.

- OK? - Right, yeah.

That's dead smart, that is.

Mm.

Give us a plum, then.

No, sorry, the plums are not for slaves.

I need these for genuine voters.

Oh, go on.

Give us one of those juicy buggers.

No!

[slaps] And if you continue harassing me,

I'll be forced to call the centurion.

Fine.

But I'll come back, Julie.

And when I do, I'm gettinghold of your plums.

[chatter]

Welcome to me yard.

Wow, nice yard.

Yes, it's my 'rents place.

Cool.

What's with all the posters?

Oh, it's Dad's election shit.

He certainly likes Victor.

Yeah, probably 'cause he is Victor.

No shit.

[chuckles] Wow, I didn't expect him

to have a daughter like you.

Yeah, neither did he.

Mm.

So, come on then, you'regoing to lips me or what?

Yeah, I--

[mutters] It's just--

just a bit weird with him staring at us.

Better?

Yeah.

MARCUS: Some bloody holiday this is.

I'm doing exactly the same shit I

do at work, except I'm gettingdeath stares off a goblin.

Maybe stop calling him goblin.

And now, Cynthia knows how unattractive I am.

She has seen you before.

Yeah, but now it'sbeen officially verified.

Just come out with the street team tomorrow.

Wiggy will never notice. - Mm.

How was the street team?

Bare hectic, bruv.

What does mean?

It means I went back to this girl's house

and had sex in her swimming pool.

GRUMIO: Wicked. - Yeow.

Shallow end or deep end?

Started off shallowend then sort of drifted.

Of course.

While I'm in the basement of freaks,

you're off boning some random clapper.

She's not random, mate.

Her name's Ambrosia.

And she's Wiggy's daughter.

Victor's daughter? You're serious?

Yeah, so what?

So?

He's all about family values and chastity,

not underwater humping.

Politically, this is pretty spicy.

Well, my penis is politically independent.

It forms alliances with whoever it sees fit.

Although it does lean slightly to the left.

[chuckles] - I'm just saying.

If Isabonus found out,things would get bare hectic.

Seckle, bruv.

No one's going to find out.

CYNTHIA: That's brilliant, Marcus.

Well done.

So what, they had another look,

and then they realized thatyou were handsome after all?

Yeah, basically.

Uh, his good looks aren't obvious.

They take time to appreciate.

Oh, they've certainly passed me by.

[claps] VICTOR: OK, street team.

[claps] Listen up.

PHILO: Listen up.

Listen, the street team.

Oh, the wig's trying to escape.

VICTOR: Now then.

I'm going to need moreapplause than usual today.

I'm speaking at Granary Heights a.k.a.

the arsehole of the Aventine.

Isn't that where we live?

Yeah.

VICTOR: The audience will be poor,

and therefore, sulky, which iswhy I need you to compensate.

I want smiles.

I want sparkle.

I want-- hang on, what's he doing there?

Philo?

The nose is back.

Why is the nose back?

I don't know, sir.

Come on, out you get, nose.

All right, yes.

Will you stop calling me nose, please?

You called yourselfnose by having that nose.

[chuckles]

Yeah.

Well, at least I don'thave roadkill on my head.

How do you expect people to trust you

if you're wearing a wonky wig?

[gasps] What wig?

What a fucking wig?

There is no wig!

I'm so sorry.

It just came out.

[mutters] Please don't hurt me.

How wonky is it?

A bit askew, yeah.

Mr. Nose, pardon me, Idon't know your real name.

Marcus.

Marcus Gallo.

You must have balls as big as your nose

to speak out like that.

Thank you?

The truth is, not all this hair is mine.

The sides are.

And I have very hirsute legs.

I thought to fashion some kind of comb over,

but I opted for a small toupee.

My wife doesn't know.

Right.

Suspect she does.

If my appendage is that obvious,

perhaps I need a new approach.

Yeah, get rid of it?

Or make sure it's always straight.

Would you do that for me, nose?

Right.

Brief me, Philo.

Well, the poor tend tolike biscuits, don't they?

And fighting, so maybeif we promised them, um--

A biscuit fight?

Yes.

What is that though?

What about offering people cheaper rents?

That could go down well here.

- How's my hair, nose? - Yeah, fine.

There's a little flick that won't be tamed.

Tame it, nose.

I imagine it's a fight in which biscuits are

either the prize or the weapon.

MARCUS: Or introduce some sort of cap.

On my head?

No, a cap on rents.

The landlords here out of controls.

Stick to hair, nose.

Are we good to go?

And good to go.

Please don't look me in future.

Sorry.

Vote for Julius Priscus.

[chatter]

Julius Priscus--

Salve, Julie.

Give us a plum

Centurion!

I told you if you keptimpressing me, I'd call them.

Maybe I have something to offer.

Oh, what do you mean?

Maybe I have some insideinfo vis-a-vis a rival,

which could get advantageablefor your campaign, as it were.

No, thank you.

I'm running a clean campaignbased on my convictions.

What sort of politician do you take me for?

That sort that wanted to win.

Must have had you wrong.

MAN: Vote for Victor, the family man.

It's-- it's fine, centurion.

False alarm.

VICTOR: People of Granary Heights, my name

is Victor of the Grachaee.

And I pledge to put family first.

[applause]

I know not many of you here today are wealthy.

And to you, I declare that if you vote for me,

you will receive three biscuits each.

[some applause]

Wooh!

Make that four biscuits each.

And some sort of biscuit-based brawl.

And, uh, I pledge to imposea series of rent controls

to cap the price of housingat an affordable level.

[applause and cheers]

[whistles]

I will make sure that avariciouslandlords are kept in check.

[cheers and applause]

VICTOR: And if prices do move,they're going down, not up!

[cheers and applause]

Is that applause real?

I think it might be.

[cheers and applause]

Bravo, nose.

[music playing]

Hey, Marcus.

Saw you up there with Victor.

You were amazing.

Oh, thank you.

I thought your massive schnozzwas damaging his campaign.

Ha, far from it.

He actually thinks I've got a nose for politics.

So he's made me his wingman,- Wigman.

Wing.

Wingman. I'm an advisor.

Huh?

About that, do you thinkyou could get me up there?

Or at least moreforeground anyway, seeing

as you're now his wingman. - Wigman.

Wingman. Yeah.

Sure.I can conjure something up.

LANDLORD: Oh, well, maybe you can

conjure up an end to this rent cap dog shit

while you're at it.

Oh, no, sorry.

I can't help you there.

And why is that?

Well, I'm just a tiny cog in a big wheel.

There are forces out there thatare bigger than both of us.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Ah, ah, ah.

Shit!

Shit!

Shitty shit!

This is a PR disaster.

It is a little off message.

Shit!

Sir, doing that isn't great for your hairline.

What do we know about this guy?

Just that his name is Stylax.

Stylax?

What's that, Greek?

Is he a shit-eating Greek?

And apparently, he's a charioteer.

[sighs] VICTOR: Anything else?

It says he's got mad skills.

Sounds like a fucking prat.

Exactly my daughter's type.

What shall we do with him?

Well, the rumors can't spread far if we

were to disappear him now.

I doubt anyone would notice.- Mm.

Yeah. Good.

Have it done. What?

No, no, no, don't do that.

Keep your giant beak out of this.

But it says he's a charioteer,so he's probably got fans.

If you disappear him, youcan forget about their vote.

Mm.

Good point, nose.

We're going to have to think of something else.

You two are getting married.- Come again?

Say what now?

VICTOR: The only way Ican justify your actions.

You were already engaged.

Are you murking me or what?

Victor of the Grachaee murks no one.

Now, if I may, sir.

I get where you're coming fromand it's a very clever idea.

It was Nose's idea.

And I'm sure Nose knows best, but ours was

more of a casual arrangement.

What?

You're telling me that you arenot in love with my daughter?

Oh, keep your hair on, bruv.

Ambrosia, will you stop speaking

in that dreadful patois?

I didn't pay 7,000 denariia term in school fees

to have you talk like a bloody Yardie.

Yeah, Dad, and I don't want to marry this guy.

He's a waste man.

He might not be.

Oh, no, no, I am a waste man.

She's right. I'm lazy.

I'm stupid.

I've got no prospects whatsoever.

It says here that you're a charioteer.

Yeah.

I may have exaggerated that.

You've got a thick head of hair.

That can't harm the gene pool.

I believe that follows the maternal line.

Does it? Shit.

Well, I've made my mind up.

You'll be wed in the summer.

And how long do wehave to keep this up for?

- Forever. - What?

Oh, come on!

MARCUS: It's preferable to the alternative.

That would also have been forever.

Were you going to kill him?

Please, Dad, just shank him.

Shank him [inaudible] That's much better.

How can I marry her when she just said that?

Now, now.

All couples want to shankeach other now and again,

believe you me.

I'm sure over time, you'llbe at least partially happy.

Now, let me be the first towish you hearty congratulations.

Congratulations.

Yay.

Vote Julius Priscus for a cleaner Aventine.

MAN: Vote for Julius Priscus.

So, they're getting hitch in the Summer.

Make it look legit.

Oh, is that all you've got?

Hmm, no, also Victor wears a wig,

Hmm, that's common knowledge.

- Is it? - Yeah.

Well, did you know hepays a bloke with a big nose

to keep it straight?

What's the relevance of the nose?

Nothing, just a bit of color.

Hmm, go on.

Falker.

Got another commission for you.

MAN: Vote for Julius Priscus.

MARCUS: So, I thought, given her experience,

she could present you withflowers, maybe say a few words.

Yes, yes, yes.

Fine.

Just pay attention to my crowd in here, Nose.

The moisture in the air canunhinge it from its moorings.

Some landlords would like a word, sir,

about this rent caps policy.

While I'm at my ablutions?

He's at his ablutions.

Their guild has always contributed

to your campaign, sir.

Oh, very well.

Are we static in the attic?

Yes, we are.

LANDLORD: [chuckles] Salve Victor.

Salve Landlord.

Salve Landlord.

Well, I'll come straight out and say it.

We think you've forgottenwho your mates are.

Is that so?

LANDLORD: That is so.

We've been very friendly to you so that you'd

be very friendly to us.

If you want our help in the future,

we suggest you knock thisrent cap bollocks on the head.

So, Victor, would you kindly reconsider?

Sir?

Yes, Philo?

Ah!

Mm?

How do you wish to proceed?

I think that revoking the rent cap idea

now will feel like a bit of an about turn.

Nose, what do you think?

I say we stick with the caps.

Is that your final decision, Victor?

Um, Yes, yes, it is.

MARCUS: We've got Landlord by the goolies.

Once Victor gets in, our rent might even go down.

Good, eh?

I won't be living here, mate.

I'll be shacked up at the wifey's yard.

Shit, yeah. I forgot about that.

GRUMIO: Nice yard then. is it?

Yeah, it's fine, very bigwith, like, proper slaves.

No offense.

None taken.

STYLAX: But now, we're engaged.

She wants me to give up charioteering

and get a job in finance.

Victor wants me to produce an heir.

Did he say heir or hair?

He wants a bloody grandchild, mate.

I mean, how did this happen to me?

It's all because I waspicked for the street team.

Curse my hot face.

Victor might not get in, you know.

Oh, he'll get in.

We are way ahead in the polls.

Once he's visited the hospital tomorrow

and hugged a few lepers, we will walk it.

We?

What's all this we bollocks?

You're just wigman.

Ah, but he who wields the wig wins the "wace."

So you give Victor the flowers and say thank

you on behalf of the hospital.

Thank you on behalf of the hospital

for your unflinching support.

Thank you on behalf ofthe hospital will do fine.

Thank you so much, you dear man.

Stop trying to get more lines.

OK, fine.

Should I be compassionate,head tilted to the side,

how-are-you-feeling type of nurse?

Or more of a strict nononsense, shut your mouth

and drink your medicine?

MARCUS: Um, the first one.

Excellent.

Thank you. - That's it.

Got it.

No, I mean, thank you, Marcus,for giving me this break.

[chuckles] Oh, it's nothing, really.

What's the point in having this power

if you can't spread it around?

VICTOR: There have been yetmore vicious slurs about me.

Oh, no.

What now?

They're saying that I wear a wig.

OK.

And that I hire a man with abig nose to keep it straight.

It's not that big.

With in mind, I suggest you back off of it.

Cool.

[clears throat]

But remain within reach.

So about here?

Perfect.

They're ready for you now, sir.

Very good.

Here we go, everyone.

Happy families.

Hold hands you two.

You're supposed to be engaged for Jove's sake.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much.

It's an honor to meet you onsuch an auspicious occasion.

Hey, you.

[chuckles]

Did you just wave at that sket?

What?

No, I didn't wave at the sket.

What's a sket?

That lady back there.

I did not wave at the sket.

Salve, nurse.

Salve, Victor.

[gasp]

[screams]

All right, lads?

Help me, Nose.

We're slipping.

[gasp]

Nurse, please, do something.

[high pitch] I'm not a nurse.

I'm an actress.

MAN: It is my pleasure tointroduce your newly elected

tribune, Julius Priscus.

[cheers and applause]

So, what's this guy like?

I know him.

He's a right slippery sod.

They're all the same, aren't they?

Do you reckon he'll bring in the rent caps?

[cheers and applause]

MARCUS: I somehow doubt it.

Oi, Aurelius, you've been paid to clap?

There's a new system in place.

You get fined if you don't.

[applause and cheers]

Yeah!

[cheers and applause]

[whistles] Woo!

[MUSIC - OLI JULIAN FEATURING VINCENT NAP, "I CAME, I SAW"]

[SINGING] Ah, ah, ah.

[inaudible] Ah, ah, ah.

[inaudible] I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Got to believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Yeah.

Can I conquer?

I got to conquer.

I need to conquer you, you, you.