Original subtitles

Next up, it's lot 12.

A rare import from theeast in tip top condition.

Sturdy and reliable, this big unit would

work well in any modern home.

Oh, wicked!

I love a slave auction.

15, that's 1-5 previous owners but very

little sign of wear and tear.

Let's just watch this guy.

Special skills include cooking,

cleaning, and flower arranging.

He's also a qualified masseur.

Bloody show off.

So, let's start the bidding at 50 denarii.

Do I hear 50 denarii?

Thank you sir.

55? 55?

55 with you madam.

I'm looking for 60.

60 denarii.

60 with you sir.

What are you doing?

Just having a cheeky bid.

What for?

Well, he can look afterthe horse while I'm at work.

65 with you madam.

How can we afford it?

And I'll remind you thatyou can pay in one lump sum

or bite sized monthly installments.

Bite sized monthly installments.

Back with you, well done sir, at 70.

It's another one of your impulse purchases.

We already bought the aubergine.

Yeah.

And we'll eat it.

- Looks like a psycho. - What?

How? - The hat.

It's a psycho's hat. - Nah.

The hat's the best bit, mate.

75?

75 back with you madam.

80 anyone?

- Hold his finger, Grumio.- 80?

Who'll give me 80? 80?

Yes, please. I will.

80. Anyone else?

At 80, going once, going twice, sold

to the man with a big hair!

[THEME - OLI JULIAN, "WHEN IN ROME"]

[SINGING] Yeah.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home all I got is you.

Just like to sign there.

Lovely.

Great.

And here is your--

My name is Mushki.

I look forward to servingyou in any way I can.

Well, I hope you like horses.

I'm allergic to horses.

Perfect.

But I look forward toserving in any other way I can.

All our slaves are non-refundable

as per our warranty.

Can I interest you in an insurance

policy against damage or theft?

Theft of slaves?

Yes, yes.

There have been several slave-nappings

in the last few weeks, mainly at night.

If you need insurance or a security device?

No, no.

We'll risk it.

May I carry your bag, sir?

Sure.

Thanks.

And you sir?

I don't have a bag.

No, may I carry you sir?

On my back.

I'm extremely robust.

Yeah, sure.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome very much.

[music playing]

[kicking]

All right.

Hey, guys.

Can you give me a hand?

Metella has left the key inside.

I left the key inside with you.

And then I left it inside on it's own.

Either way, we're locked out.

Can't the landlord let you in?

For a whopping fee.

It'd be cheaper to rent another flat.

Here.

Let me have a go then.

This will be good.

So.

[jumps to door]

Yeah.

That's not going to work.

If I might try, sir?

Oh, yes.

He is extremely robust.

So, either of you ladies have a brooch

or hair grip I could use?

Thank you.

And then it's simply a case of--

and, there we are.

Wow.

That's amazing.

Thanks a million.

You're welcome a million.

Oh, sorry.

This is Mushki.

Our new slave.

[music playing]

Dinner is served.

Chicken stew with braisedpeppers and aubergine.

See?

I told you we'd it.

Thank you, Mushki.

Aren't you going to join us?

I feel it'sinappropriate for a slave

to dine with his masters.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, could you grab the salt please?

The salt, sir?

As you are.

It's just on the side.

Of course.

Oh.

This stew is nice.

We've never had nice food in this flat.

Much obliged, sir.

I've been told that stews are my speciality.

What would you say yourspeciality is then, Grumio?

Roadkill?

Slop from a bin?

That would be cheese rolls.

That's not cooking, that's just

you rolling up lumps ofcheese with your filthy mitts.

Call them what you like, they're bloody gorgeous.

[music playing]

STYLAX: Oh, yeah.

That's it.

Right there.

I couldn't help but noticethat you enjoy your salt, sir.

Yeah.

I like salt in my food.

Oh, indeed you do.

You were heaping it onbefore you even tasted it.

Even though I'd alreadyadded seasoning to a level

befitting the dish.

I'm sorry about the salt.I should have tried it first.

No, no.

You're the boss, sir.

Let's put you to bed, shall we?- Oh, no.

I do that myself.

You did.

You've got me now.

In your pulpit.

Let's make you nice and comfy.

Shall we?

Are you comfortable, sir?

Oh, yes and no.

Goodnight then.

Good night, Mushki.

Thanks for everything.

You're welcome for everything.

What are you doing now?

Waiting for you to fall asleep.

My work is not done untilyou are in the land of Nod.

So, shut your eyes.

It really is--

Shut your eyes, sir.

[music playing]

MARCUS: How long did he stay there for?

I don't know I was too scared to look.

But he was still there in the morning.

That's dedication for you.

He's pounded the shit out of my back.

I can barely shred.

AURELIUS: Oh, you poor thing.

My slaves over massaged me.

My heart bleeds.

What will he do next?

Will he over fluff your pillows?

Over suck your knob?

I think he was punishing mefor putting salt in my food.

Well, you shouldn't have done.

That was unbelievable stew.

AURELIUS: You two are such a babies needing

slaves to run around after you.

My slave doesn't even jog, let alone run.

Anyway, don't you still live with your parents?

In a separate annex, so I have my own door.

But your mom does your cooking?

- Well-- - And your laundry.

If she's putting a load on anyway.

- And wipes your bum.- No, she doesn't do that.

Right. So, your dad does that?

No.

No one does that actually.- What?

You never wipe your bum?

It must be green down the there.

Green bum.

Green bum.

My bum is as clean as a whistle.

Right.

They're not as tuneful I expect, water man.

Water boy.

Water man, thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry to intrude.

It's Flavius' birthday on Friday and she's

demanded a spontaneouswhip around for a prezzy.

Oh.

What are we getting her?

Well, I didn't know yet.

That rather depends on the contributions.

The average so far has been around 15.

Oh, put me down for two.

MARCUS: And one from me.

Well, whatever you can afford.

If she wants better gifts,she should pay better wages.

Put me down for 40.

Oh, marvelous.

40 denarii?

She's a good boss and Iwant to show my appreciation.

She won't find out who gave what you know.

Will she?

No, it's done anonymously.

Still 40?

Yes, still 40.

[music playing]

[coins dropping]

[scrubbing floors]

It's called a plate.

Please use it.

Not getting in your way, I hope?

No, no.

You do your thing.

And this is your thing, is it?

Sitting there like a pudding.

I sometimes sit outside like a pudding.

And what service do you provide?

I supposed at comments, trivia, I

can burp songs, parts of songs.

Well, I hope for your sake that's sufficient.

I've worked for enough masters to know

that anyone not providingan essential service,

tends to get squeezed out.

[music playing]

Hey.

Hey.

Taking no chances this time.

Oh, good idea.

Thanks so much for the slaves help yesterday.

Not Grumio, the good one.

Mushki?

Yeah, he's great, isn't he?

Don't you think he's a bit creepy

because I find him creepy.

He did seem a bit OTT, I guess.

Well, yeah.

He is OTT, if OTT stands for Oh That's Terrific.

Which it doesn't.

Because the aubergine stew hemade last night was terrific.

In fact, what are you doing later?

Probably still trying to get into our flat.

Why?

You should come over dinner.

[music playing]

Whoa.

That's--

Shit loads of flowers.

I thought they mightbrighten the place up a little.

Yeah, how much did it cost though?

Nothing, sir.

At this time of year the meadow is positively

strewn with geraneia, and croci,and "lilai" of the "vallai."

Oh, also I've made you someValerian tea sir to alleviate

your wretched back pain.

I fear I may have over rubbed last night.

All right.

Thanks.

Oh, Mushki.

I invited our neighbors for dinner.

It is that? OK.

Sorry it's such short notice.- Oh, no.

Not at all, sir.

I thrive at a dinner party scenario.

I will rustle up anotherone of my signature stews.

- That will be magnificent. - Yes.

I'll nip out and get a few more veggies.

I have befriended a local grocer who

is giving me a mate's rates.

Maybe he's all right.

You kidding me?

The guy is incredible.

He's bloody bonkers.

Is he, Grumio, for doing the housework?

How bonkers of him?

MUSHKI: My heart, oh Jove.

Oh, holy Jove. - What?

What's happening?

There's something in my hat.

What is it?

A jobby, sir.

Rather a large one.

Must have been an animal.

What kind of animal could shit in a hat?

I never hang it on a peg.

Grumio?

What?

Are you saying I shat in his hat?

Yes, I am.

Why would I when the bog's there?

Because you don't likehim and that's the only way

you know how to express yourself.

Well, it weren't me.

Who was it then?

Him probably.

He shat in his own hat?

He's trying to stitch me up.

He said he'd squeeze me like a sponge.

That's not what I said, sir.

I know, Mushki.

Oh.

So, you're going to believe himover your own slave, are you?

Oh, come on, Grumio.

You're barely my slave.

You've never done any actual work for me.

Is that right?

Yeah, you just can't takebeing shown up by someone

with a bit of get up and go.

Oh.

I'll show you get up and go.

Clean the hat first.

You clean it up.

Yeah.

I may still be able to wearit, if I put it inside out.

Not a great look.

No.

[music playing]

Are any of you a slave?

No.

You know anyone who wants to nap a slave?

Hey, mate.

Do you fancy napping me, by any chance?

OK.

Bingo.

[slurps]

This is lovely.

I didn't have you down as dinner party types.

Us two.

We are dinner party types.

We love a dinner party.

This is our first one.

Yes, but now we've gotsomeone who can actually cook.

We'll have loads.

Rabbit stew with carrots and petit pois.

Thank you, Mushki.

Mm-hmm.

Sorry, did you say rabbit?

I did, madam.

As in cute bunny rabbit?

Anything's cute if you putthe word bunny in front of it.

Yeah, like a bunny chicken.

Or a bunny fish.

I used to have a rabbit in Britain.

Well, I doubt it's him.

This doesn't come from Britain, does it Mushki?

This rabbit is local, sir.

I killed and skinned it myself.

The stock is made from the entrails.

Cool.

More wine anyone?

No.

No, sir.

You've got me now.

Do you guys have any tomato sauce?

Tomato sauce, madam?

Don't you want to try it first?

She puts it on everything.

A stew is its own sauce, madam.

I can go get some from myplace if you don't have any.

No.

I will go and do somemyself using fresh tomatoes.

If it's no hassle.

No hassle at all.

OK. You're right.

He is creepy.

Really creepy.

[music playing]

[chopping]

MUSHKI: Morning, sleepy socks.

Oh.

Morning, Mushki.

Slept well last night, sir.

Yeah, not bad.

No, I'm telling you you did.

Must've been the Valerian tea.

It can really knock you out.

What's that?

I'm shaving you, sir.

No, I'd rather do that please.

No need, sir.

My grooming skills are somewhat celebrated.

It's been said my masters canbe identified by the smoothness

of their cheeks alone.

[sharping knife]

You've had quite a lot ofmasters, haven't you, Mushki?

I have indeed, 16 including sir.

Why so many, do you think?

Well, a range of reasons.

Some wanted to travel,some needed to economize,

and some were fucking scum.

I'm very happy with you though, sir.

Oh, great.

Great.

AGORIX: And the reason for returning him?

He's quite weird.

Weird?

OK.

Let me just check the warranty.

Is he fulfilling the basicfunctions of a slave?

Cooking, cleaning, et cetera.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, he's an amazing slave.

Has he stolen from you ora member of your household?

No.

Has he sexually molested youor a member of your household?

- No. - Not yet.

Has he poisoned you or--

Yeah.

He poisoned me.

You don't look very poisoned.

He gave me a large dose ofValerian tea last night.

Valerian tea for pain relief?

Yeah.

And how are you feeling today?

A bit better.

Thanks.

But I'm telling you he's weird.

Well, weird isn't covered here so you'll

just have to keep the guy.- Thank you.

We intend to.

If you aren't happy youcould always buy another one.

We can't afford.

We had a lovely new batch in this morning.

You're right.

Thanks.

Well, hang on.

What?

Grumio?

All right.

What happened to you then?

Don't know.

Must've been slave napped.

Excuse me.

This is my slave.

He went missing last night.

Really?

Are you this man's slave?

I don't think so.

I've never done any actual work for him.

So, how can I be? - Yeah.

Very good.

Can I have him back, please?

No.

He doesn't know you. - Of course, he does.

I don't.

It's a bloody chance.

Don't be like that, G-man.

We'll be auctioning the new batch at sundown

if you'd like to buy him.

And what if I don't?

Well, I expect someone else will

Yeah.

Someone who rates me.

No one will rate you, Grumio.

People don't rate farty littlemen who sleep during the day.

Now, you can tell the truth and come with us,

or stay in this cage picking your nose.

It's up to you.

Oh, my.

[music playing]

[clapping]

Happy birthday.

So, here's your present.

Oh.

What a lovely surprise.

It's from all of us.

Mainly me.

[opening present]

What is this?

It's a bread bin.

I'm sorry?

A bread bin.

I don't want that.

Right.

Because we did find it hard to choose a gift.

You know, what do you getthe woman who has everything?

Well, not that.

Something else?

Yes.

We'll get something else.

[music playing]

STYLAX: We should get to the market.

He won't cost much.

I'm not buying, Grumio,not when I already own him

and we've got a perfectly good slave at home.

Mushki is a psycho.

I promise you.

He's not a psycho, he's a softy.

Look.

He's painted our names on the wall.

In blood, probably.

Welcome home, sirs.

I've taken the liberty of warming

your slippers on the stove.

We don't have any slippers.

And I've taken the libertyof knitting you some.

Mushki, thanks a lot.

You're welcome a lot.

Well, in you go.

What was that?

That's just creaking timbers, I imagine.

[shouting]

They can be ever so creaky.

- Is that Cynthia? - It is, yes.

In we go then.

Why is she shouting?

Her gag must've slid off.

All right.

Sorry.

What the fuck?

You all right?

Your crack slave put us in prison here.

You didn't, did you?

I was upset after last nightso I want to reason with them.

OK.

Well, that makes sense.

But they wouldn't see reasonso I bound and gagged them.

That makes less sense.

Those evil witches aretrying to drive us apart.

I heard what they said aboutme, they think I'm creepy.

No.

I wonder why.

He's a blood loony.

Shut up.

Shut your dirty mouths!

Just leave them, leave them sir.

And they'll go away.

Go away as in die?

In time, yes.

You don't need them, sir.

You don't need anyone, you've got me now.

Where's the key, Mushki?

I swallowed it.

Right.

When will it come out?

With my metabolism, about 10:30 tomorrow.

- Hair grip. - Right.

Yes.

Use that.

If you insist, sir.

OK. Fine.

He is mad.

Just have to.

Untie me right now.

Oh, shit, Is that blood?

No, it's tomato sauce.

That maniac started chucking it at us.

All right.

Take Metella's gag off.

Well, all in good time.

Right.

Well, shall we go in then sirs?

Tonight's dinner is lamb hotpot.

I think we'll eat out.

tonight.

We need to see a man about a man.

Right.

Do I hear 120?

Thank you, madam.

120 going once, going twice.

Sold to the tall woman with a short husband.

Thank you.

There he is.

Next up it's lot number 56.

Hailing from a farm near Pisa, this item

goes by the name of Grumio.

He's had just one careful owner.

Not careful enough clearly.

So, let's start the bidding at 50 denarii.

Let's see if anyone will buy that.

Yeah, thank you, sir.

50 I have. - What?

Did someone just bid?

Must be a mistake.

AGORIX: Do I hear 60? 60.

Thank you. That's 60.

70 with you madam.

What's going on?

Who will offer me 80?

80?

Thank you sir.

Do I hear 90?

This versatile unit is extremelycompact for easy storage.

Grumio is a stylish accessory for the man

or woman of our town.

He's strutting.

Stop strutting, Grumio.

Who will give me 100?

100? 110.

110.

Don't bid against me.

AGORIX: 120 any one?

Grumio can perform a variety of functions.

Babysitter.

Dog walker.

130 anyone?

130?

Yes, 130.

140 anyone?

- Yes. - 150?

160?

270 denarii.

I'm going to be sick.

Our biggest sale of the day.

Wow, it's nice to feel wanted.

And I assume you'll be paying in bite sized

monthly installments again.

We'll pay the lump sum.

Are we?

How?

Well, you know one in, one out.

I'm sorry, Mushki.

But it's for the best.

Please, let me say.

I can change.

You'll love your new mistress.

She's kind, she's cultured.

Yeah.

And we won't tell heryou're a fucking lunatic.

All right.

Thank you.

Come here, mate.

17th time lucky.

Was there no change from the 300?

Sadly, no.

Ta-da!

Oh, yes.

A man.

That's more like it.

He's a house slave.

It was Stylax's idea.

- Shredder, you shouldn't have.- No, no.

I really should.

My name is Mushki.

I look forward to servingyou in any way I can.

Oh, he's terrific.

Oh, it's lovely in pink.

Now, who'd like some cake?

Oh, allow me, madam.

Oh, thank you very much.

You're welcome very much.

[music playing]

I'm sorry I doubted you, Grumio.

That guy was clearly insane.

Yeah, you're right.

I mean, what sort ofperson shits in his own hat?

No.

That was me.

Seriously?

Why did you do that?

He were twat so I shat in his hat.

Fair enough.

By the way, this food is genuinely foul.

Can't give a toss, mate.

[music playing]

Cheese roll.

I couldn't help noticing that madam.

Didn't finish her sorbet?

[credits]