Original subtitles

[LIQUID SPLATTERING, MEN CHATTERING]

STYLAX: Oh, open up a bit.MARCUS: No.

Stop peering over my shoulder.

STYLAX: But I want to read, too.

MARCUS: It's really off putting.

[sighs]

Well, so what do I do, then?

You bring your own scroll.

Well, I forgot mine, though.

[flatulence]

Ugh.

If it were me, I'd open it up.

Come on, man-- be sociable about it.

I don't want to besociable when I'm reading.

Or shitting.

Yeah, that's the wrong attitude, dude.

This isn't your average in-and-out shit house.

This is an executive gentlemen's toilet.

What do you reckon, G-Man?

Does the job, don't it?

[apple crunches]

Grumio, where'd you get that apple?

Found it on the side there.

And now you're eating it, are you?

Clear out one end, top up the other.

That's really unhealthy.

You're always saying fruit's good for you.

Not fruit you find in a toilet.

Bloody hell, I can't win.

You can win.

You don't eat where you shit.

Famously.

I thought it's "don't shit where you eat."

Well, either way.

Hm.

Uh, Marcus?

What?

I forgot my sponge too.

Ugh.

Thanks, man.

[THEME - OLI JULIAN, "WHEN IN ROME"]

SINGER: Yeah.

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

You stupid sod, Grumio.

Marcus, please!

You shouldn't speak ill of the ill.

But it's entirely his fault!

Didn't I say not to eat that bog apple?

He did say.

It weren't definitely the bog apple.

Of course it was.

Wasn't it, doctor?

Your slave has all the symptoms

of acute gastric infection.

Huh.

And how would he have got that?

Possibly from something he ate.

There we go. The bog apple.

In your face.

It is fairly serious.

Yeah.

Yeah, sure.

How do we fix it?

Eh, with plenty of rest.

Cool.

I'm all over that.

And a herbal remedy madefrom silphium extract.

It will bring down his temperature

and stabilize his gut.

[scoffs]

OK.

And where do we buy that?

Oh-- well, actually, Ihappen to have some in stock.

[scoffs]

Are you all right?

Well, this quack's clearlytrying to fleece us, isn't he?

When it's perfectly obvious what's happened.

Yes.

Grumio's eaten poo-ey food.

Exactly.

And offended Hygeia, goddess of being clean.

Right.

To be fair, he has been offending her

for quite some time.

Well, there you go--

she's finally snapped.

We need to ask for her forgiveness,

and maybe do a vigil.

Not stuff him with herbs.

Silphium is used by the army to fight infection.

That's pretty convincing.

We need to pray together by candlelight.

Also convincing.

Look, obviously, it's your decision.

I'd rather go with what the grownup says.

Well, how much is the medicine?

200 denarii.

Yeah.

I think we're going to gowith the prayer and candles,

on balance. - Great!

Hygeia be praised.

Hey, wha?

Very well.

Best of luck, then.

[reggae music]

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

You stingy bastard.

Language, Grumio.

You don't want to offendany more gods now, do you?

[stomach grumbles]

Salve.

[fabric rustles]

[muted chattering]

[clears throat] - Oh.

Thank you.

Pleasure.

Do you race?

I can do.

I mean, I've been here for quite a while,

so I've got a bit of a head start.

[chuckles]

Chariots Do you race chariots?

Oh. Right.

Uh. Yeah, sort of.

Planning to.

This is like, an idiot's guide.

Right.

Well, you certainlydon't look like an idiot.

[huffs]

Well, I've read most of it now,

so maybe I'm three levels above idiot.

Heh.

Glad to hear it.

I'm Stylax, by the way.

Gaius.

Very pleased to meet you.Oh!

[CHUCKLING] Oh.

What?

You got a great grip, Stylax.

Thank you very much.

Did someone teach you that?

No, this is the way I do it.

Because that's the secretto horsemanship, you realize?

Grip.

[reggae music]

Well, maybe I'm a natural.

Maybe you are.

SINGERS: Take me back.

I would love you and always stay on track.

There is not one thing we cannot do.

[coins clink]

[gags and retches]

[door clacks]

I have had the best day ever!

Me too. Where were you?

You never came back from your afternoon poo.

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

That's a bit--

Good, isn't it?

Why do people go to the gym whenyou can just get one of these?

Is that how manymuscles I'm meant to have?

[laughs] - I guess so.

That's depressing. Where's it from?

It was a gift. I met someone.

That's why I had to skive off work.

'Course you did. Who is she?

No, it's a he.

What? A he?

Yeah.

It's this cool old guy called Gaius Maecenas.

He thinks I've got hugepotential as a charioteer.

He bought me the metal muscles for when I race.

Right.

That's very weird.

Uh.

No it isn't.

We just got talking in the bogs, hit it off.

The bogs?

Are you serious? - Yeah.

Why? - He's clearly gay!

This is a gay thing. - As if.

You met an older man in a place

where you had your genitals out, and he

then buys you homoerotic gifts.

Nah.

One, I chose this.

Two, it's not homoerotic.

It's manly. Clearly.

Mm.

It's a fine line.

I suggest you avoid him from now on.

No!

He wants to be my patron-- he's gonna

pay for my chariot lessons!- Heh.

Right. Yeah.

And he will expect to be repaid.

Thoroughly.

Oh-ho-ho-hoh.

You're just jealous.

Plus, he gave me some pocketmoney to tide me over.

[purse clanks]

Oh, my jove.

Yeah, I know!

GRUMIO: Marcus?

Me sick pot's almost full.

So stop being sick, then.

Oh!

I could get Grumio his medicine!- Yeah.

I prefer to hold off on that, actually.

Me and Cynthia are doing a vigil.

Oh. Right.

But will that work?

I hope so.

There's a real sparkbetween us at the moment.

I mean, will it work for Grumio?

Oh. Right.

Yeah. Dunno.

Maybe?

Anyway, he's over the worst of it.

[loud gagging and retching]

As of now.

[reggae music]

[harsh grunt]

[lips buzz]

CYNTHIA: Divine Hygeia, you are so great.

Divine Hygeia, you are so great.

Please heal this dirty manwho has turned his back on you.

Slow, steady breaths, Marcus.

[huffing breaths]

Yep.

And maybe we should hold hands?

Sort of combine our powers?

Oh, good idea.

[muted chatter]

Can you feel it working?

Hoh, yeah.

[kiss smacking]

[dry coughing]

Uh.

I'm still here. - Sorry.

The vigil.

We must be vigilant.

Yes, of course.

[clears throat]

Divine Hygeia, you are so great.

Divine Hygeia, you are so great.

[reggae music]

I knew you'd crack it!

Didn't I tell you not to give up?

You told me I should giveup, as it goes, but cheers.

I presume you drugged her.

Ah, you presume wrong.

Turns out religion can be very sexy.

The candlelight, the petals.

The stench of Grumio's vom.

Yeah.

We managed to block that out.

Our eyes locked, and there was this moment,

and [lips buzz] I justknew what I had to do it.

We'd have kept going if Grumiohadn't started hacking up bile.

The inconsiderate sod.

Hey, hey-- he's seriously ill, dude.

Nah, he's milking it.

- Where are you going? - I got to bounce.

Cover for me, yeah?

You're not meeting the gay-tron again.

Patron.

He's my patron.

What?

Why have you got a patron?

Because the guy wants to bum him.

[laughs] - Right.

Well, that's fine then. - No, no.

He thinks I'm going to be a great charioteer.

What-- has he ever seen you race?

Well, no, but he used todo it back in the day, so--

So he can tell just by looking at you?

He can see a bit of himself in me, yes.

Which bit of himself?

Ah, probably his knob.

[wheezing laugh] Or his fist.

Me and Gaius are just friends.

Or both his fists.

Or his head.

Just getting it right up in there till he's

wearing you like a hat.

- Take the hat off. - Yes.

Sorry.

It's-- I'm not actually wearing one.

Oh, Shredder!

You decided to come in today!

What a treat.

Actually, I've just got to nip out.

Nip out?

Nip out where?

To a shredding convention.

Well, that's a lie.

Water boy?

He's going to see his gay patron.

- Gay-tron. - Patron.

Water man.

I see.

Well, you're not doing that, obviously.

In fact, I'd like you to nipout to go to my dermatologist

to pick up my facial mud pack.

Uh.

[scoffing] That's not in my job description.

Job description?

Let me describe your job to you, Shredder.

Shut your mouth, rip yourpaper, and do-ye what I say-ye.

No, I won't.

I've met someone who believesin me and pays me good money,

so you can take your joband shove it up your arse!

[gasps]

On behalf of the department,I'd like to apologize.

Oh, you're representingthe department now, are you?

Uh. I-- yes.

I-- [flesh smacks]

Oh!

Then that's for you.

[reggae music]

[harsh gasp]

[moaning]

Salve, Grumio.

All right, Landlord.

Whoo!

It's pretty funky in here, innit?

I know.

I'm funking out of every hole.

Well, in that case, it might be

a good time to think aboutgetting some life insurance.

Cool.

How does that work, then?

Easy.

You pay me 25 denarii, thenif you die, you get 10,000.

- Bloody hell. - I know!

What if I don't die?

Well, you get nothing, but you will be alive.

So, you know, it's a win-win.

Wicked.

Can I stick it on the rent?

Consider it done.

Hm.

[stomach grumbles]

10 grand, here we come.

[reggae music]

[groaning]

[cups clink]

[harsh retching and groaning]

[CROWDS CHEERING, WEAPONS RINGING]

[HOOVES CLOPPING, HORSE WHICKERING]

[cheerful humming]

Why are you out of bed?

Feeling better, aren't I?

Looks like Hygeia let me off the hook.

[mocking laugh] - Don't give me that.

What really happened?

Stylax bought me themedicine with his pocket money.

Turns out someone gives a shit about me after all.

OK.

Great.

Well, I'm planning another vigil,

so I need you back in bed.

I'm not really up for anotherone of your grubby threesomes,

ta.

I don't get much out of it.

Grumio, don't be selfish, mate.

Me? Selfish?

I could've died.

[LAUGHING] What?

It's only a dicky tummy.

Not that you'd have noticed.

You'd have happily boned her on top of me corpse.

Just get back in bed!

Nah.

Think I'll go for a jog.

Grumio-- [gags]

Oh.

What's the matter, Marcus?

Nothing.

I'm-- [shaky gasp]

Oh.

Oh, I think I'm gonna--

[faint clattering]

[loud retching]

You little belter.

[harsh groaning, kiss smacks]

Hm.

[reggae music]

[oiled flesh squelching]

Oh.

What's the time?

[huffing sigh]

Well, I feel like a teenage boy.

What, now?

- I'm so loose. - Oh, right.

Yeah.

Me too.

Oh, it's been a great day, Stylax.

Yeah.

Thanks for paying for it.

You're really coming along.

You keep improving like this, in a few weeks,

I'm going to enter you.

- Right-- sorry? - In a race.

Oh.

In the regions, at first, butsoon, you'll be ready for Rome.

Oh, whoa!

You think so?

With me behind you, you could be huge.

[WATER TRICKLING, MUTED CHATTERING]

As long as you're preparedto do what it takes.

I'm giving you my patronage,but you'll have to go all out.

Do you understand?

[low gasp]

What are you doing?

I thought-- sorry. [stiff chuckle]

- I'm a married man! - Ah-- are you?

And a father of three.

- I'm really sorry. - No, no.

You've completely misjudged this.

I just care about the racing.- Oh.

Oh, no. No, me too.

It's-- I'm not gay!That's-- see, I thought you--

Yeah, well you thought wrong. No.

No, this isn't gonna work.

No, no--

[reggae music]

I-- I'm really sorry!

I did-- oof.

[harsh retching]

That's it, champ.

Better out than in.

[door clacks]

[harsh retching and sobbing]

Shouldn't you be making that noise?

It's his turn now, and he's been

a right drama queen about it.

MARCUS: I don't understand.

I've got nothing left togive, and it just keeps--

[retching]

Been there, done that, got it on the tunic.

[retching and gasping]

Eh.

- Whoa. - Oh.

You all right?

[belches and gasps]

I think I just chucked up an organ.

See what I mean?

Bloody diva.

Just when I was gettingsomewhere with Cynthia as well.

Yeah.

I wouldn't let her see you like this, dude.

Well, I have to!

I got to keep the flame alive.

It's taken me a year to get this far!

Nah, but you look reallyrough, and you stink of death.

Really?

[sniffs]

And cabbage.

OK.

Well, go and get some more medicine.

Ah-- I spent all the pocket money.

So go and get some off your sugar daddy.

Can't. It's over.

It's over? Why is it over?

Well, I sort of lunged.

You lunged?

I went at him like a goose.

But he didn't like it.

- Why did you lunge? - Because of you!

Because you said--

I didn't say to do that.

You kept saying that he was expecting stuff,

so I thought I had to, andthere was this moment--

like your moment, where our eyes locked, and--

Brilliant.

Anyway, who needs medicine?

"It's only a dicky tummy."

Oh, piss off, Grumio.

This is way worse than what you had.

Go and ask Flavia for an advance.

Can't! I quit, remember?

So un-quit.

If I don't shake thisillness, Cynthia might go off

me, which would be a disaster.

And I might die.

Also pretty bad. Help.

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh, god.

Eh-- oh.

[retching and groaning]

Don't sweat it, boss.

Couple of vigils, and you'll be right as rain.

[reggae music]

[knocking echoes]

[gagging and retching]

[huffing breath]

Ugh.

[door clacks]

Hey.

Cynthia in?

Why's it smell of sick?

You been sick?

A bit, but just in mymouth, so it doesn't count.

Oh.

Ah-- have you got the lurgy as well?

Mm.

Try not to be too upset.

What you mean, as well?

Oh no!

Have you got it too?

We must have donesomething to offend Hygeia.

Do you think it was when youkissed me during the vigil?

Oh, that does sound offensive.

Will you go away, please, mate?

Gladly.

[clears throat]

Definitely wasn't that.

For one thing, Grumio's better anyway.

It worked!

Hygeia be praised.

Exactly!

Hygeia be praised.

So what are you up to later?

I was planning on spending the day in bed.

Oh! Perfect.

I need a vigil, Marcus, not a date.

Oh. 'Course.

Hopefully, Hygeia will be as kind to us

as she was to Grumio.

Well, how about a jointventure at my place so Hygeia

only has to make one visit?

I'm sure she's very busy.

OK. Good idea.

Cool!

And later, who knows?

Oh, my hands are very clammy, Marcus.

It's fine. So are mine.

And I've just been sick.

Again, so have I.

And I've got terrible diarrhea.

Uh, yeah.

See you later, then.

[reggae music]

And he comes crawling back to me.

I'm sorry.

I bet.

I got you the mud pack.

[squelching thud]

Is that from my dermatologist?

Uh.

Yeah.

So could I have my job back, then?

I don't know, Shredder-- can you?

'Cause the last I heard, yourjob had been shoved up my ass.

I'm really sorry about that--

Not placed.

Or slid.

But shoved.

So is there any way we could fish it out?

Well, I rather think thatdepends on how well you fish,

doesn't it?

Sorry-- you want me to?

Fish.

Right.

[huffs] Firstly, I love working here.

[STAMMERS] And I thinkyou're great, both as a boss

and as a general person--

What's the magic word, Shredder?

Thin.

You're really thin.

Well, that-- it's notwhat I meant, but carry on.

And your skin's all soft and tight

like a drum made of peaches.

Mm-hm.

I like that.

And if I was 20 years older--

20?

10?

Five?

One?

Next year, I'm gonna be all over you.

I'm not gonna to be able to stop myself.

In the corridor, in the toilets--

All right, that's enough!

Kindly don't threaten me with sexual assault.

Sorry.

So could I have my job back then, please?

Fine.

Piss off before I change my mind.

Thank you.

[clears throat] Is there any way I could

get an advance on my salary?

Get out.

[reggae music]

[sighs, clears throat]

[sniffs, gasps]

Ah, Stylax!

Oh, thank the gods I found you.

Oh, Gaius!

Hi.

I told my wife about our incident in the spa.

Yeah.

Look, I'm sorry about that.- Oh, no.

Don't be. I've left her.

You've what?

I'm so sorry I rebuffed you.

You-- you brave, beautiful boy.

I was so stupid, [STAMMERS] I couldn't

see what was happening, I couldn't

accept what I was feeling.

Oh, shit!

You've left her?

Yeah, it wasn't easy.

She was screaming with wildfury, and the kids were crying.

I told them, daddy loves you very much,

but he yearns to be with Stylax.

[pained chuckle]

[passersby chattering]

Thing is, [STAMMERS] I'm not gay?

[CHUCKLES] Yes.

Neither am I.

Yeah.

But I'm actually not.

Look, we don't need to fight this anymore.

Let's just get out of this town!

Ah-- I've got a villa we can go to, on Lake Como.

Sorry.

Lake where?

- Lake Como. - And again?

Lake Como?

I'm still hearing Lake Homo.

Yes. That's what I said--

Lake Como. [strangled groan]

We could go tonight!

I believe in you!

I want to drop everythingand back you to the hilt.

[stiff chuckle]

What do you say?

You have to go.

Are you mad?

If Flavia won't give youthe advance, then we need him.

He wants to take me to Lake Homo!

It's Como!

Como, with a C.

Eh, he's not saying the C.I mean, this is serious, man!

He wants to back me to the hilt!

I need that medicine, though.

Knock, knock!

Thought I'd drop by and see the patient.

- Are those grapes for me?- Oh.

No, no.

OK.

Well, thanks for your concern.

Oh, no-- I'm very concerned.

I've had tenants die on me before,

and I don't mind telling you, it's a nightmare

getting bills settled.

But I've settled my bills.

Not all of them.

You owe me 25 denarii forGrumio's life insurance policy.

What?

The little turd.

I'm gonna bloody kill him.

Best not, actually.

He's not covered for that.

Well, pay up before you croak, or I'll sell

your corpse to the pig farm.

Ta-ra, then.

Oh.

And-- uh, be lucky.

Please don't let me croak.

Landlord will feed me to pigs.

Yeah, but you'll be dead.

You won't even notice.

I need that medicine, mate.

Please go to Lake Homo for me.

[scoffs]

Just take one for the team?

But it'll be more than one!

Please, mate!

I'd do it for you.

[reggae music]

[sniffs]

I'll have this one, ta.

I'm really cold.

Eh, here.

Oh-- you're even colder!

So this is how we warm up.

Mm, not now, Marcus, seeing as we might die.

Well, exactly.

If we're gonna die, we should really go for it.

Could be our last chance.

I don't think I can go for it.

[sighs]

So maybe just lie there and let me go for it?

[clears throat]

Right.

Who's up for a vigil?

Oh, Grumio!

You've got so much stuff.

Right.

It's the least I could do.

You two really went for it over me.

He's so adorable.

Isn't he adorable, Marcus?

Yeah.

[clears throat] Goddess Hygeia,this is Grumio speaking.

Evening.

[reggae music]

[knocking on wood]

How do you play this again?

I dunno. I thought you knew.

No. No idea.

Right.

Well, let's go do something else, then.

Please forgive their dirtiness.

This one may look clean, but he's

got muck stuffed in his head.

Like a poo.

In a shoe.

[water spattering]

OK, that's enough.

Let him work, Marcus.

It could be our only hope--

Hygeia be praised.

[sighs]

Hygeia be praised.

Do you want to splash in her face as well?

Nah, just yours.

[grunts] - Right.

That'll do.

Oi, Metella, don't--

you can't just burst in here blowing out candles

like it's your bloody birthday.

- I bought the medicine. - Bought?

I suggest you just take it before you

do yourself some real damage.

- No way! - Wow.

Definitely no way?

Of course!

We're mid-vigil.

I'm vigil-ing me arse off over here.

Exactly.

If it worked for Grumio, it'll work for us.

[groans] Right, Marcus?

[strangled groan]

Is that right, Marcus?

Uh. Yes.

Yes, it is.

Hygeia be praised.

Hygeia be praised.

[panting]

[cup clanks]

[grunts]

[muttering and gulping]

What-- what are you doing?

[sighs and pants]

It was the medicine!

Grumio took the medicine.

Of course the vigil doesn't do anything!

How could this possibly do anything?

Apart from making youlook like a stupid prick?

[gagging]

I see.

Ah.

[panting] That said,you're not a stupid prick.

You're wonderful. Don't go.

Where are you going?

I'm going to pray on my own,away from this den of filth.

So why are you taking that?

I'm going to pour it away.

[reggae music]

[gulping]

SINGER: All right.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, well.

You know what they say--

at least you've got your health.

[huffs]

[slurping]

You seen Stylax anywhere?

I should probably tell him Idon't need that money anymore.

SINGER: Woo-woo Yeah, yeah.

[scatting]

[choir vocalizing]

[singer scatting]

[choir vocalizing]

[stammering]

I'm sorry, I can't!

[footsteps splashing]

Stylax, where are you going?

What, Stylax?

Stylax?

SINGER: Give me pardon.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Gotta believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you.

Oh, yeah.

Can I conquer, I gotta conquer,I need to conquer you, you,

you.

[choir vocalizing]

[singer scatting]