Original subtitles

WASTE MAN: The bin on yourleft is kitchen waste.

That's old fruit, veg, bones, et cetera.

GRUMIO: Kitchen waste?

The bin in the middle,that's your everyday household

products. - Oh, aye.

That's your pottery shards, you sack

cloth, papyrus, and whatnot.

Household products, yeah.

Bin on your right, that's miscellaneous.

Miscellaneous, what's that?

Well, any other bollocks.

Got it?

Yeah, sorted.

Fruit on the right, bones in the middle,

bollocks on the left.

Hang on.

Bones on the right, pots inthe middle, whatnot on the--

fuck it.

[baby cooing]

Miscellaneous?

[THEME - OLI JULIAN, "WHEN IN ROME"]

OLI JULIAN: When in Rome,do as the Romans do.

Far from home, all I got is you.

Come see my show!

I'm in a show.

Come to my show.

Hey, guys!

Want to come to my show?

It's my Roman debut.

Oh, wow.

That's brilliant.

It's a one-woman play about the Siege of Troy,

told from the perspectiveof the Trojan horse.

Yeah, yeah.

That's brilliant.

How long is it, please?

Two hours, no interval.

Plus, a Q&A afterwards.

You'll come, right?

Uh-- of course.

That sounds amazing.

I really can't wait.

OK.

How about you?

While I'd love tosupport you in your debut,

I'm actually too stupid for theater.

I'm more into sport and sex.

Of course.

It is quite a challenging piece.

You are a very bad liar, by the way.

I think I got away with it, though.

Yeah, just.

But what happens once you'veactually seen the show?

What do you say to her then?

Just say, loved the play, Cynth.

That was powerful stuff.

[SCOFFING] See, you sound sarcastic.

That's just my normal voice.

Try again.

Oh, uh--

OK, don't cough.

You were sensational.

And don't go too far.

She'll smell a rat.

So, um-- what a great play!

[CHUCKLING] Yeah you can't go.

It's too risky.

Spoon.

Ah!

Spoon.

Ah!

Spoon.

Ah!

[door opening]

Spoon.

Ah!

[baby cooing]

Spoon. Ah!

What have you got there?

A spoon.

Yeah, under the spoon.

A baby.

And what's it doing in our flat?

It's just sort of gurgling.

Aww, it's well cute.

I know.

I found it in the bins.

Oh, I finally took therubbish out like you said.

Fantastic.

That task also involved notcoming back with a baby.

Well, I couldn't just leave it there, could I?

Right.

Did anyone see you take it?

I don't think so, why?

I want you to put it back.

Oh, no chance.

Oh, no you can't put itback once you've touched it.

That's basically a rule.

For canap s, yeah.

Not for babies.

It's not going back to the bins.

So take it to a shelter, then.

Why?

I can look after it.

Grumio, you barely look after yourself.

Look what happened to your basil plant.

That plant was to thirsty.

I couldn't keep up.

Hence why you cannot keep a baby.

Your parents kept me.

That's different.

They were grown ups, and 50% woman.

Oh, so if it were youwho found me on that hill,

you'd just put me back, then?

No, I just wouldn't have picked

you up in the first place.

Tell him.

Maybe we should keep it.

Mhm, uh, nice one.

What are we going to do with a baby?

Uh, take it for walks to cafes?

Oh, no, no, no.

You want some sort ofpulling device, don't you?

Uh, already got shit hot pulling device

right here, mate.

[baby cooing]

But another one can't hurt.

I say we vote on it.

No, no, no, no.

This is not a voting situation.

All those in favor ofputting it back in the bin?

All those in favor of keeping it?

Boom.

OK, fine.

You'll get bored of this in a few days, anyway.

And while it is here, I'mhaving nothing to do with it.

It is your responsibility, Grumio.

And you can start by changing it.

It fucking reeks.

Don't swear in front of me baby.

[upbeat music]

Tear me off a leaf.

Are you sure a cabbage is going work?

Of course.

It's nature's nappy.

Oh.

I know.

That's quite a pong for a little girl.

What are we going to call her?

Binny.

Binny, really?

Because I found her in the bins.

Are you sure that's her name?

You can call a kid anything these days.

Plus, I don't want her toforget where she came from.

Binny it is.

You can take it from here, right?

[baby cooing] - Yeah.

[baby crying]

[SINGING] Binny, found you in the rubbish,

but you are not rubbish.

In fact, you're really ace.

Oh, Binny.

You've got to go to sleep now.

I need to go to sleep now.

Please just shut your face.

MARCUS: That is the last time I let you

take the rubbish out, Grumio.

Suits me.

Ayo, I think she wants some brekkie.

Where serves a nice drop in milk round here?

Just slide her under the chassis,

then wait for her to clamp on.

Will do.

Here goes.

PHILLIPA: She kept me up half the night

with her non-stop caterwauling.

Sorry, she won't be with us long.

This is a big week for me.

I'm making my debut as an actress.

And she's making a debut as a person.

You're still coming, right?

Yeah, of course.

Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Oh.

And she's on!

Oh, look at her go. Lovely.

Hungry little bugger, isn't she, hey?

[HESITANTLY] Yeah.

Haha!

Bit weird, this.

No, it's all part of a noble tradition.

The founders of our city used to suck on a wolf.

Never did them any harm.

Yeah, it's cheaper than a wet nurse.

Did you just say wet nurse?

Yeah, wet nurse.

They hang out at the spice market.

Why are they wet?

What's wet about them?

I guess they um, the milks.

We should get a wet nurse, Grumio.

Let's go and get a wet nurse right now.

[upbeat music]

This is amazing.

You should have got a baby ages ago.

So which one do you fancy?

Any ones of them motheryones sitting down over there.

Blonde, exactly. Right?

No.

Someone with experience.

A safe pair of boobs.

Except they'll be old boobs, Grumio.

Our baby doesn't want oldmilk oozing out like yoghurt.

She wants milk that'sfresh, and creamy, and fit.

[baby cooing]

Hello.

Hey, and who's this cutie?

I'm Stylax, hi.

But this is Binny.

Oh, unusual name.

I found her in the bins.

The bins?

That is horrific.

It's fine.

We gave her a rinse.

Well, here's some informationon your legal rights

as new parents.

Oh, we're not a couple.

I'm straight.

And even if I was gay, I mean, come on.

I could do better than that.

He could, yeah.

And now baby needs a nurse?

A wet one, yes.

Well, breast is best.

Yeah.

As well as providing all the key nutrients,

it helps protect against illness, and--

Hey, hey.

You had me at breast.

Oh.

[upbeat music]

All employers are legally obliged

to offer new fathers twoweeks' paid paternity leave.

And that's not me saying that, sweetheart.

That is city hall.

So that creature's yours is it?

Big time.

Because it's rather pale, shredder,

whereas you're somewhat darker.

Yeah, she looks more like her mother.

And who is the mother?

Uh, we don't know.

It could be one of a number of women.

Right.

No, no, no.

Make that stop.

Uh, yeah.

Juju.

Juju.

I don't know how.

Could you?

I might have something knocking about, in fact.

Here you are.

Is that a dummy?

Could be, unless it's a bummy.

A what, sorry?

A bummy.

A bum dummy.

Uh, do you mean about buttplug?

It's either a baby'sdummy, or an adult's bummy.

How can I tell which it is?

Maybe suck it and see?

I think I'll leave it.

[baby crying]

So see you in two weeks then?

Very well, shredder.

You may have your leave.

I've been wanting to shakethings up in your department

for some time.

You've just given me the perfect excuse.

[upbeat music]

Right.

For the next two weeks,shredder's document disposal

will be performed by your new colleague, Burner.

We're working with a barbecue.

It's a state of the art office appliance.

We need to modernize to economize.

It is quite hot, though.

Well, that's the thing about fires, copier.

Hot is how they come.

Well, I think it's a huge improvement.

We'll finally get some work done around here.

I know!

Look how efficient it is.- No, no no.

Aw. Ah.

Oh, wow!

That's really impressive.

I was actually working on those.

Oh, it's his first day.

He's bound to make mistakes.

Now, play nicely.

[upbeat music]

You're sure you're comfortable?

If baby's comfortable, then I'm comfortable.

Can I get you anotherpillow, or open a window?

I'm perfect, thank you.

Yeah, then I'll just sit and watch the baby.

Salve, dickheads.

Hey, man.

Grab a seat.

It's feeding time.

What's going on?

Marcus, this is Phillipa, our wet nurse.

Phillipa, this is Marcus,daddy number three.

I'm not a daddy.

I just live here.

How much is this costing?- Dude, nevermind now.

- 20 denarii a feed. - What?

That's double what the goat charged.

Goat's milk is absolutelyfine if your child is a goat.

But it's fattier than breastmilk,

and stray hairs can stick in baby's throat.

There you go.

When it comes to nursing, youreally get what you pay for.

Nursing, so spurting up bodilyfluids counts as nursing now,

does it?

Whoa, steady on, man.

It's a branch of nursing, yes.

So maybe I'll go to thebogs and nurse out some piss?

Is that a branch of nursing?

No, it's not.

What got up your ass, then?

This has, Grumio, this bollocks.

I'm stuck at work betweenAurelius and a cauldron,

while you too fart around looking at boobs.

Uh, firstly, we are not farting around.

We are nurturing an innocent child.

Secondly, we are notlooking at boobs, plural,

because Phillipa here only gets one out at a time.

Look, I know you are tired and stressed,

but please don't take it out on this highly

talented woman who is performingnature's greatest miracle.

Oh.

Thank you for valuing my work.

Hey, thank you for doing what you do.

[upbeat music]

[baby crying]

MARCUS: Go and get her, then.

You go.

I went last time.

No, she's your baby.

Stylax!

[baby crying]

STYLAX: No, thanks.

Why not?

STYLAX: Don't want to.

Please, Marcus.

I'm so cozy.

If I get her, Grumio, I'mtaking her to the shelter.

Oh, chuffing Nora.

All right, then.

Binny, found you in the rubbish.

C'mon, Binny.

You're doing me head in, love.

[upbeat music]

I can't stay awake.

It's not healthy to live witha baby and work with a fire.

It is warm.

I'll give you that.

She's literally turnedthis place into a sweatshop.

I hate to say this, but I think I prefer

Stylax to that hot prick.

Morning, morning.

How are you all getting on?

Like a house on fire.

Good, good.

As in, it's unbearably hot.

Well, you know what they say.

If you can't stand the heat, fuck off.

Right.

May I apologize for the highsalt content of the water.

Some perspiration might have infused.

That is thoroughly vile, waterboy.

Sorry, waterman.

It's just the conditions inhere are a smidgen inhuman.

Are they, now?

Well, what a human can't handle, we

can always leave to appliances.

I doubt you'll findanything that can do my job.

What about a table?

That would do, wouldn't it?

[upbeat music]

This is my kind of office.

Is there any way I could do this?

Do you get male wet nurses?

And how might that work, exactly?

I don't know.

As a sort of middleman to get the milk going?

Lactation is usuallytriggered by feeding, or crying,

or occasionally sexual arousal.

And what could trigger that?

Did you come to book me again,or just ask me daft questions?

I have one more daft question.

Go on.

Do you fancy a drink?

I mean I figure you're always serving them,

so maybe you'd want one yourself?

[upbeat music]

[groaning]

Ah, yeah!

Yeah?

Awhoo!

- Yeah! - Yeah?

- Yeah! - Yeah?

Yeah.

[straining]

[baby crying]

[groaning]

I don't like it!

I don't like it! [baby crying]

I don't like it.

Aah.

Aa--

It's harder than it looks, you know.

I don't know how my parents did it.

I thought your parents decided not to do it,

and left you on top of a hill.

And I'm beginning to see why.

They were very wise, my parents.

Just wish she'd startsleeping and stop crying.

Maybe it's a phase.

Yeah, she'll soon be out of it.

I hope so.

And into something worse.

Worse?

What you mean?

Well, next stop is thetearing about and smashing

things up phase, and then coughing

off with greasy toe rags phase.

Not under my roof, she won't.

And then finally,sticking you in the ground

and selling all your stuff phase.

I'd enjoy this bit if I were you.

[upbeat music]

MARCUS: What, she hosed you down?

STYLAX: She hosed me down good.

It got everywhere, man.

In my hair, up my nose, and my mouth.

And did you spit or--

I swallowed.

- Oh. - What?

I didn't want to be rude, did I?

Can't see her again, though.

Not after the hosing.

I feel humiliated.

So the goat's back in business?

Uh, no.

Actually, we've decided toknock the whole paternity

thing on the head.

Grumio is taking Binny to the shelter.

The shelter? Yes.

And I'm going to get my job back.

I wouldn't rely on it, mate.

What's up with him?

He's being replaced by a table.

Oh, are you serious?

The machines are taking over.

None of us are safe.

Oh, as if.

Flavia would never let you go.

You're part of the furniture.

I don't think so.

Not compared to actual furniture.

I mean, look at that.

Upright, sturdy, mahogany.

It's everything I could never be.

[upbeat music]

Oh, goodbye.

Oh, thank you.

Goodbye fans.

Thank you.

Do come back and visit.

Oh, bless you.

Oh, hold on you.

You-- you-- you can stay.

I'll find something else for you.

[GASPING] Shredder, darling!

Where are the fans going?

I'm letting them go.

I've decided to replace them with windows.

Oh, but the fans are great.

I'm a fan of the fans.

As am I, but we mustn'tstand in the way of progress,

must we?

Like you, they've become obsolete.

Well, what do you mean like me?

Burner has been a roaring success.

He's cheap, he's efficient, andhe probably won't have babies.

Oh, no, no.

That was my last baby, promise.

Yeah, that's what they all say.

What is that rancid smell?

It's breast milk.

I got milked on.

Yeah, I've tried to ring itout, but I think that's still

a fair bit in my hair.

Right.

I don't claim to know muchabout parenting, shredder,

but I suspect you're doing it wrong.

[upbeat music]

Now, what shall we do with you?

Maybe we could use you as anaccountant, or a paperweight.

GRUMIO: So she likes singing,but she doesn't like tickling.

And she likes being rocked when she's burpy,

and she loves it if you blow on her tummy.

Yeah, cool. Got it.

Tickle the tummy. Yeah, kids love that.

What? No.

Uh, just a sec.

Oi, is that a mace?

Why has that kid got a mace in here?

Yeah, we're a bit stretched at that mo.

Uh, yeah just bung her on any free surface.

I'll find her a bunk later.

Why is he still got that mace?

Hey, that is a weapon of war.

Sorry.

Can I just ask?

Shoot.

Where do these kids like, end up?

Uh, well, wherever they want in theory.

Could be the Senate. - Oh.

The arena.

Oh.

I mean, most of them do endup down a mine or in a brothel,

but-- - What?

You know, we do what we can.

Look, there you go.

Stick her in there, look.

Her name's Binny, by the way.

Yeah, uh-- you too, mate.

Uh-- you, take that out of your mouth now.

[upbeat music]

Bloody hell.

Marcus?

Hey, you two!

How's it going?

So-so.

Yeah, we've just picked up the reviews.

Oh yeah?

Anything about your debut?

There's one vile hack who says that I'm

perfect casting for a wooden horse

because well, you can guess.

Mhm, because you horsey?

Because I'm wooden.

Wooden, yes.

What do you mean, I'm horsey?

How about the others?

Are they any better?

This one just says horseshit.

Oh, ah, I'm outraged.

That is so unfair.

How would you know?

You haven't seen it. - No, I know.

I'm sorry.

I've had a lot on, and I've not been sleeping,

and there's a fire in my office.

If you don't want to seeit, Marcus, you can just say.

No, I'm desperate to come.

I adore challenging, and long theater.

Right, well then you can havemy ticket for tomorrow night,

then.

Because I've already seen it three times.

Honestly, don't--

As you're desperate.

Well, thank you, Metella.

Super.

We'll grab a drink afterwards, and you

can give me a nicer review.

OK, great.

[upbeat music]

MARCUS: Oh, it's so nice to finally

have some silence around here.

Shhh!

Binny's asleep.

Why is she still here?

Shhh.

Why is she still here?

You were meant to take her to the shelter.

I couldn't, though.

It was dirty.

So?

This flat's dirty.

You're dirty.

And if she stayed there,she'd end up as a prozzie,

or a miner, or maybe both.

But what's the alternative?

You're looking at it.

Oh, no.

Come on, no way.We're not seriously keeping her.

That's crazy.

Tell him.

I don't know, man.

She'll ruin our lives.

This isn't about us, though.

It's about her.

Binny needs an home, justlike I needed an home when

your parents took me in, and grew me up, and gave

me tons of free food and that.

And maybe it will ruin ourlives if we keep her, who knows?

All I know is if we abandon her now,

it'll definitely ruin hers.

Ahh, pissing buggernuts.

Oh, is that pissing buggernutsyes, or pissing buggernuts no?

It's pissing buggernuts fine.

If we really have to do this, then fine.

Nice one.

Well, it's not exactly what I'd

hoped being single in the cityin my early 20s would be like,

but there you go.

I guess this is us now.

This is our weird little family, forever.

Forever.

[knocking]

Shhh!

Salve, Grumio.

All right, Davus.

Shit, we don't owe rent, do we?

No, no, no.

It's not that.

It's something personal, actually.

It's a bit delicate.

OK, cool.

Go ahead.

You see, me and my wife have been

enjoying regularintercourse for years now.

Well, thanks for coming around.

Do come again soon. - There's more.

Is there? Oh, good.

Now, though I can makemost people do most things,

I can't seem to get more missus up the duff,

no matter how hard I do her.

And nothing will make us happier

than starting a little family of our own, so--

You can take her.

She is yours.

What?

He's not having me baby. - Fair dues.

I'll respect that. - Wait a minute.

Let's think about this, Grumio.

We just decided to keep her.

You all said this was our weird family.

I know, but he wants a weird family.

Why can't he have a weird family instead?

He's a bloody great thug.

I once I saw him bite a man's nose off.

Really? Clean off?

Yeah, it was a work thing.

Yeah, it was a work thing.

I'll be the kindest dad in theworld, we'd love her to bits,

we would.

Well, my wife's baked you some biscuits.

What flavor?

I think they're walnut and raisin.

I like walnut.

And raisin.

[baby crying]

She's crying again.

Would you still call her Binny?

Of course.

It's a wicked name.

[upbeat music]

Now, when I look back on the last six years,

I think I can say withpride that while I was here,

thirst was not.

But I want to wish the table all the best,

and I hope to remain in touch with you all.

I remember my first day entering--

What are you still doing here?

I asked you not to come in today.

He's just making a farewell speech.

Is it finished?

Uh, more or less.

Well, then.

Oh.

Goodbye, waterboy.

Goodbye.

Burner, see to that.

Now, copier, I've finished three

reports for a departmentalmeeting this morning.

- You're on fire. - I know.

The new windows have donewonders for my concentration.

No, no, no. You're really on fire.

What?

I'm on fire.

Aah.

I'm fucking well on fire!

[upbeat music]

FLAVIA: [MUFFLED] I'm on fire!

[screaming]

I'm fucking on fire!

Help me!

Waterman.

Thank you, waterman.

[upbeat music]

So Aurelius is more useful than a table.

Who knew?

Yeah, the table's been burned,and the fire has been fired.

You can come back in on Monday.

Oh, sweet!

Let's go out and celebrate.

Oh, I'm afraid Marcus is busy tonight.

Enjoy the play.

[baby cooing]

My hooves tremble as the Greekwarriors clamber up inside me.

Ulysses, Menelaus, Ajax, Marcus.

Marcus!

Marcus!

Huh?

Mhm.

[THEME - OLI JULIAN, "I CAME, I

SAW"]

OLI JULIAN: Hey!

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Gotta believe.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

I came, I saw, I conquered,I came, I saw, I conquered.

Can I conquer you?

Oh, yeah.

Can I conquer--