Original subtitles

It's hard to imagine two people more different than me and my dad.

So, whoever came up with the saying, 'like father, like son,'

never met the two of us.

For instance, I've been trying to take it easy over the holiday break

and I like to stay in bed until I can't stand the taste of my breath anymore.

Eh.

But my dad's one of those guys who likes

to get up at the crack of dawn and start getting things done.

Once I'm out of bed,

I'm one of those people that likes to ease into their morning.

And for me, that means spending a few minutes warming up over the heating vent.

Huh?

But I guess my dad's just not wired the same way.

Hmm.

Even on Christmas day, Dad goes into full drill sergeant mode.

And I know he just wants to be on time for church.

But there's gotta be a better way to get your kid moving.

So, my plan is to stay out of my dad's way as much as possible,

because the combination of the two of us just isn't working.

I don't know what's taking Greg so long. All he has to do is put on clothes.

Don't worry. I'm sure he'll be out in a moment.

Careful not to get chocolate on your church clothes, Manny.

I don't know why we have to wear fancy clothes to church.

I mean, who are we tryin' to impress, anyway?

Some of us have to wear clothes like these every day, you know?

Yeah, I'm not gonna get one of those jobs where you have to dress up like a nerd.

And what kind of job are you plannin' on having, Rodrick?

I don't know. Gravedigger, ticket scalper, pirate.

Wait, do you have to get good grades for that?

'Cause my last report card was a little shaky.

He really should be out by now.

You know what? Maybe I should go check on him.

Relax, dear.

But if Greg doesn't come out soon, we're not getting a seat.

Wait. We might have to stand?

Are you crazy?

Yo, Greg, let's go!

Huh?

Whoops!

Whoa!

Come on.

Oops.

- Finally. - Hurry up!

- Sorry. I was having trouble with my tie. - Yeah.

I'll help you with that when we get to church.

- Stop! - Ho, ho, ho!

Manny!

Okay, come on. Just hop in.

- Okay, off we go. - Wait!

- What? - Greg, where's your coat?

Oh, he's fine, Susan. Look, we gotta move.

He'll catch a cold. Now, run back inside and go get it.

But I locked the door. How am I supposed to get in the house?

- With a key. - A key?

What am I supposed to do with that?

- You just turn it in the deadbolt. - A deadbolt?

- And please hurry. - Yeah!

This oughta be good.

Okay, here we go.

Uh...

Has this kid really never used a key before?

Bro...

You know what? I'll go get the coat, Susan.

Frank, it'll only take Greg a second, honey.

Did I really never teach him to use a key?

Turn already! Come on!

Ah-ha! Hey, I did it.

See? You just needed to believe in him.

Hmm.

Come on!

- What the... - Stupid door.

Aw, man!

Oh, Bubby.

I'll be right back.

So, we're staying home, right?

Whoa!

Hey, watch it, road hog!

Hold on!

Yeah!

Hey, we're walkin' here.

Drive much?

Way to spread holiday cheer, Heffleys!

- Uh, Merry Christmas, neighbors. - Yeah, hi.

See? There aren't any spots left.

Ooh, Frank, there's one.

And the Warrens just took it.

Of course, they did.

The Warren family. Mr. Warren works at the same company as my dad,

- What? - but he's a few rungs

higher up on the ladder than my father.

They're also our next-door neighbors.

No matter what we do, they're always one-upping our family.

And I've got nothing against Weston,

but he's always making me look bad.

- Yeah! - Way to stick the landing, son.

Come on. There's gotta be a spot somewhere. Come on, spot.

Where's a spot? Uh, come on.

We did it, guys! We made it!

More or less.

Come on, team, we can still make it.

- Look at Bubby's butt! - Greg, what happened to your pants?

Huh? I must've sat on Manny's Chocolate Santa.

Greg, you gotta be kidding me.

You know what? It's fine. I'm sure no one will notice.

What? I'm not going in there looking like this.

Hold on. I have wet wipes in my purse.

Mom, cut it out. You're making it worse!

Just hold still.

This is the next Löded Diper album cover.

Come on. The service is about to start.

Here. You can wear my pants.

I'll hang back in the car and take one for the team.

Nice try, Rodrick. Put your pants back on

and just make sure nobody sees you...

Merry Christmas, Heffleys.

- Oh, dear. - Lookin'... sharp.

Uh, let me know if I can help, Susan.

Merry Christmas, Warrens.

Wow, you blew right past us on the road.

I'm surprised that bucket of bolts could move that fast.

- Ain't I right, Wes? - Uh... Yeah.

Yeah, well, you... you work with what you have.

All right, Speedy.

Race you to the last seat.

Wait till you see Weston's fifty-yard dash. Come on, Weston!

We'll be right behind you.

Come on. Keep up the pace, Weston.

Wait! I got a shortcut.

But what about Greg's pants?

There's no time. Just cover it up with something.

- Like what? - Doesn't matter. Let's go.

Now!

- Mmm - hmm.

On this beautiful Christmas morning,

it's wonderful looking out over our blessed congregation.

What?

Way to make an entrance.

- Christmas miracle. - Uh...

Christmas is a time of beginnings.

All right, everybody. Come on, let's go.

- And it's not just about giving gifts. - Okay, Susan, Manny,

- Rodrick, and... - It's about enjoying the special time

- that you have with your family. - No way.

- Oh, no, you don't! - No, you can't make me do this!

Yes, I can! Come on. Greg!

- When the wise men follow the stars, - No.

- blindly into the abyss. - How embarrassing.

They rose above them. They knew. They knew what they were doing.

- They knew... - Hurry up. Everybody's watching.

They followed that light,

because they knew at the end of that...

Whoa!

- Oh, my gosh! - Is that...

Somebody's gotta clean that up.

Yikes!

Glad that's not our boy.

It's Christmas, Walt.

I'm out.

Greg. Okay, we're leaving.

No!

Okay. It's all over.

Interruptions don't disrupt the spirit. They just remind us that we're all human.

Yikes!

Is this heaven?

Oh! There you are.

I've been lookin' all over for you.

I should've known you'd be down here playin' with your toys.

Careful! These aren't toys, Susan.

They're accurate, one-sixteenth scaled miniature Revolutionary War figurines.

Boy, you're a little testy today. Something on your mind?

Oh, gosh, I'm sorry, hon. I just can't get over what happened on Christmas.

Frank, that was three days ago. Greg sat in chocolate.

Let's not make a mountain out of a molehill.

Yeah, well... well, Greg has a talent for spinning disasters outta thin air.

But no, th... that's not even what's bothering me.

Susan, our middle schooler didn't even know how to use a key.

And now he does. So, what's the big deal?

No, Susan, it's... If he didn't know how to use a key...

...what else haven't I taught him?

I just feel like I don't know how to be the father a kid like Greg needs.

I feel like I'm failing him.

Well, Greg might have a few surprises up his sleeve.

Did you know that he's startin' a snow removal business with his friend Rowley?

A snow removal business? But Greg won't even shovel our driveway.

Why don't you go check on the boys and bring them some hot cocoa?

Uh... sure. But wait. Wait, wait, wait.

What's Greg calling this business of his anyway?

'Beefcake Snow Removal?' Hmm.

Pamper yourself with our award-winning service.

That is, Beefcake Snow Removal

comes with many five-star reviews from loyal customers.

But we haven't had any...

So, uh, when do we start?

- Not today. - Now beat it, punk!

Oh, uh, sorry. That's our only flyer.

There's gotta be someone around here who needs their driveway shoveled.

I thought this flyer would work for sure.

Hmm.

Maybe I should've made my biceps bigger.

Do we have to keep doing this?

Me and my dad are supposed to go shopping today.

We gotta get our camping gear for the Icy Pines Campout.

The Icy Pines Campout? Really? You're still doing that?

Yeah. Do you wanna come?

The Woodchippers are tryin' to recruit new members?

Uh, spending the weekend in a nylon tent with my father in the freezing cold

is like my worst nightmare.

Well, my dad's my best friend. Uh, second best, I mean, after you.

Hello, Greg Heffley.

Do you wanna play with me and my snow friends?

Maybe later, Fregley. Let's get out of here.

You know where to find us.

Okay. So, let me get this straight.

You actually spent time with your dad? Like, on purpose?

Yeah. My dad's been helpin' me earn my merit badges.

And if I work extra hard, maybe one day I can become...

A Woodchipper Elite!

Great job, Rowley. I love you.

Aw. I love you too, Dad.

Yeah, that sounds like a lot of effort just to get a stupid patch.

Can't you just buy a used one online or something?

Of course, you can't!

- You have to... - Wait. What's that?

There goes my back again.

- It's Mrs. Canfield. - Maybe we should go help her.

Are you kidding me? This is a business, not a charity.

Mrs. Canfield! Are you familiar with the Beefcake Snow Removal service?

Don't worry. Puddles just had his rabies shot.

Baby.

Careful. You know how Mrs. Canfield is about her Christmas stuff.

- Sorry. - There, there, sweet boy.

We don't wanna give her any reason to dock our pay.

But this wet snow is so heavy.

Maybe we should wait and let it melt a little.

No, we've gotta finish this job today.

We just need to figure out a way to make this go quicker.

- Does she have a snow blower? - No luck.

But she's got something that's just as good.

- How do we turn this thing on? - I don't know.

Maybe this is the power button?

Come on, Rowley.

If you're gonna work for me, you've gotta know how to do stuff like this.

Work for you? I thought we were partners.

Partners? I'm management, Rowley. You're Labor. Different levels.

Well, I'm not doing this unless we get paid the same.

Look, we can talk about adjusting your pay after your six-month review.

But right now, this conversation is cutting into your break time.

Oh, yeah? Well, good luck doing this by yourself. I'm going shopping with my dad.

Wait, Rowley! I'll give you a three-percent raise

and a holiday bonus. Oh! Come on!

What's got my whubby all upset?

Okay. How do we start this thing?

- Mmm. Ah - ha!

Yes! Here we go.

That's a good boy.

Oops!

All right. Not bad, but way too slow.

Let's see what this bad boy can do.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Whoa!

No! Bad boy, go away!

Oof!

No!

Hey, Greg! I brought you boys some hot cocoa... Oh, no!

Oh, great. We're missing the bolt.

- Greg, find the bolt! - Okay, okay. I'm looking.

So, do you think I should give Mrs. Canfield a discount or something?

Greg, what were you thinking?

- Mowing the snow? - I was just tryin' to get it done quicker.

And look at where taking a shortcut got you.

You're gonna have to figure out a way to undo all this damage.

Oh.

But first, we gotta fix this mower.

And we can't attach the blade if we can't find the bolt.

Huh?

Ah!

- You lookin' for this, Mr. Heffley? - Oh, yeah, actually. Thanks.

Sorry. Do... Do I know you?

I should hope so. I'm Lenwood, from Whirley Street.

Wait a minute. Lenwood? Not Lenwood Heath?

Yes, sir. One and the same.

The guy standing before us was Lenwood Heath,

who used to be one of the biggest troublemakers in our neighborhood.

And a few years back,

he used to toilet paper our house every Friday night.

Curse you, Lenwood Heath!

Take that, old man!

Then one day, Lenwood was just gone,

and nobody's seen him since. At least until now.

I guess I can't blame you for not recognizing me.

Spag Union's changed me a lot.

Spag Union, huh? Is that, like, some sort of private school?

Uh, it's much more than that, Mr. Heffley. It's a military academy.

Cadets sleep in barracks and are up at the crack of dawn for fitness drills.

It's where I changed from an unmotivated slacker

to the man you see here before you.

Ooh! Now that's a beefcake.

Aw. Here you go, little buddy.

You know, I can always put in a good word for Greg, if you'd like.

Spag Union's always looking for raw clay to mold into strong men.

Yeah, that's really not necessary.

Oh, gotta run. It was a pleasure seeing you gentlemen.

Whoo!

Spag Union. Huh.

Oh, boy.

Tradition. Leadership. Character building.

These are the principals that guide our mission at Spag Union.

When you send your child to Spag Union,

you're entrusting us to help them reach their potential.

At Spag Union, we believe strict rules and regulations help build character

and create confident young men.

Aimless days of playing video games and reading comic books

are replaced by days full of strenuous physical activity...

...that begin before the crack of dawn.

We're confident that our time-tested methods will shape your son...

Mmm-hmm.

...into the man he's destined to become.

- Hut! Hut! - Hmm.

Spag Union. Because your child's future is worth it.

And there you go. Pretty cool, right?

Nuh-uh. No way. I wouldn't survive the first day at a place like that.

I admit you might be a little uncomfortable at first,

but I'm sure you'll adjust.

But that place probably has open showers. I can't do open showers.

Oh, I'm sure it can't be that bad, Greg.

We'll break your son down and build him back up.

- Manny, stop it! - Ha!

Uh, Mom, help me out here.

He's got a point, Frank.

I can't see us sending Greg off to an expensive boarding school.

We can barely afford name-brand peanut butter.

Uh, we would be investing in our son, Susan.

A school like this could teach him valuable life lessons.

Life lessons, Susan.

Well, life lessons are important.

You should send Rodrick there instead. He needs this way more than I do.

Nah, it's too late to change me. My personality's locked-in.

Our job is to make up for your parenting deficiencies.

Uh, okay, but what if I can teach myself life lessons?

Well, these skills are hard, Greg.

And you can't learn them without proper instruction.

Um... Uh... Um...

Actually, I've been thinking about joining the Woodchippers.

They teach you all this self-improvement stuff.

Oh. The Woodchippers, huh?

You were a Woodchipper when you were Greg's age, weren't you, Frank?

Really? Dad, I didn't know that.

Yeah, I... ...for a little while.

Well, this is perfect.

What if I could become Woodchipper Elite? Then would I have to go to Spag Union?

A... A Woodchipper Elite? Wow, Greg, you know that's no joke.

Nobody in my grade ever earned that rank.

But what if Greg could become a Woodchipper Elite?

Would that change your mind about sendin' him to Spag Union?

Yeah, I don't think he can pull this off on his own.

Especially not before the Spag Union registration deadline.

Well, why would he have to do it on his own

when his father will be right there with him...

...every step of the way.

You got this, Dad. Go get 'em, Greg.

So, uh... when do we get started?

All right, not bad. Uh...

You know what, Weston? That, uh...

That fox is lookin' more like a dog.

- You can fix it real quick. Come on. - I'm trying, Dad.

Hey, Fregley, what you got goin' over here?

Huh? Okay. That is a little terrifying.

Ouch! I got a splinter!

I told you that would happen. This is why you should be using soap instead of wood.

Look, it's a sheep!

All right, I found some extra supplies in the back.

- Let's get started. - Eh. I'm good with soap.

I don't know if you heard,

whittling requires wood, young man.

Well, yeah. That's what I'm tryin' to tell him, Troopmaster Barrett.

I seem to recall a certain young woodchipper who also liked to cut corners.

Didn't you turn in a store-bought wood carvin' to try to earn your badge, Frank?

Yeah, well, I... I couldn't get the hang of the whole whittling thing.

One sec. Troopmaster Barrett was in charge when you were a Woodchipper?

Yeah. And he was just as strict about badge requirements back then.

No one said the Path to Woodchipper Elite was easy.

The real work comes here.

Orienteering, knot tying, rock climbing, home repair, ventriloquism.

And the Path to Woodchipper Elite

isn't complete until you've earned the most difficult badge of them all!

Wilderness Survival.

Which can only be earned at the Icy Pines Campout.

Frank, you're in charge of signing off on Greg's badge requirements.

Think you can handle that?

Yes, sir, Troopmaster Barrett, sir.

All right. Better get crackin'. You've got a lotta catchin' up to do, you two.

Do you wanna be my special wilderness buddy?

Huh?

Okay,

I think we've covered the requirements for the Physical Fitness badge.

No, we haven't scratched the surface on the requirements, Greg.

The manual says you have to be able to do a hundred push-ups

and run a mile in under six minutes. And that's just for starters.

Yeah, but can't you just say

I did all that stuff so we can move on to something else?

You have a responsibility to complete them, Greg.

Plus, I promised Troopmaster Barrett that

I wouldn't sign off until they've actually been done.

Uh...

Now come on, hop on that fitness ball and let's get sweatin'.

Yo, Heffley! Heads up!

Ooh. Sorry. I thought you could handle it.

Give me a little warning next time.

Uh... What's with the bouncy balls?

They're called stability balls, and they're used to build up your balance

and core strength.

All right, no need to get defensive.

You guys do you. Me and Weston are gonna go hit the treadmill.

My boy's gotta build up his endurance for winter soccer.

We could always use a backup goalie, Greg.

- Uh... Yeah, I'm good. - All right, good talk.

Hmm. Winter soccer, huh? What do you think, Greg?

Being a part of a team sport is one of the Physical Fitness requirements.

Yeah, I'm kinda focused on building muscle right now.

So, I'm gonna go hit the weights, pump a little iron.

Great idea. I'm gonna hit the head and then I'll come spot you.

Okay, party people. I wanna see you sweat. Let's pick it up. You got this.

I'm not sweaty, I'm sparkling.

You know how ridiculous we all look?

Whoa!

- Let me help you with that, sir. - Help.

Ah-ha! It looks like you might've put too much weight on this.

Whoa!

Beautiful. Don't give up.

Whoa!

Huh? Greg?

I don't see you sweating!

Last night was a disaster.

Did I tell you they permanently banned me and my dad from the gym?

Hey, Greg. That was wild at the gym last night.

Yeah, uh, sorry about that.

Then how are you gonna earn your Physical Fitness badge?

I just need to change my strategy.

Get a few easy wins, and then tackle the hard stuff later.

But if I don't start knocking down these badges,

I'm gonna spend the next four years at a military academy.

But you can't leave me behind with these people!

Then help me figure out how I can earn these badges.

Patty for Treasurer. Can I count on your vote, Greg Heffley?

Ugh! Patty Farrell. She and I go way back.

In the sixth grade, Patty was the class monitor,

so she was in charge when the teacher left the room.

And she'd never let anyone use the restroom.

May I please be excused?

Hmm. I don't think so.

So I decided to pay her back

in what people are still calling The Wizard of Oz incident.

And even though I was just tryin' to have a little fun,

the principal banned school plays for the year.

And I don't think Patty's gotten over it yet.

Scrumptious!

So, are you voting for me or not?

Whoa, easy with the lollipops, Patty.

- Here you go, Rowley. - Thanks, Patty.

- So, when are these elections? - Uh, tomorrow.

Did you not notice all my posters?

Oh. Sorry. I guess I'm just not that interested in politics.

If you can't bother to fulfill your basic duties as a good citizen,

you don't deserve this.

Patty for Treasurer!

- All right! Passionfruit! - Mmm.

Hmm.

Hey! I found another gym twenty minutes from here.

I'm pretty sure they haven't heard about what happened last night.

Here you go, sweetie. Hopefully some of these still work.

- Thanks, Mom. - What is this,

some sort of arts and crafts project?

I thought I'd circle back to the physical fitness stuff later on.

I'm gonna earn my leadership badge,

and that starts by getting elected to Student Council.

Weren't you on Student Council?

Well, yeah. I was Class Treasurer. Wait till you see my poster.

Ah-ha! Found it!

Okay, well, you two fellow treasurers have fun.

Ah! This one got me elected in seventh grade.

Look at that handsome guy.

'Bank on Frank?'

Pretty cool, right? Huh? Because it rhymes.

People eat that stuff up.

Right. Sorry, I just don't think that would work on kids these days.

Well, suit yourself, just don't go negative.

What do you mean, 'go negative?'

Politics has gotten way too nasty, Greg.

Nowadays it's all just a race to the bottom.

That's it! I think I know how I can win.

Well, great! How about I help with your posters?

You know what? You deserve a little time to yourself.

- I'm all set with this. - All right.

Well, I'll be working on my Revolutionary War diorama downstairs if anyone needs me.

Thanks again.

Susan, I think I actually might be starting to reach him.

Good job, honey.

'Don't get the Patty Farrell Touch?'

You know, like the Cheese Touch. Remember the Cheese?

The Cheese Touch!

Yeah, I remember.

No one will wanna vote for her if she has the Patty Farrell touch!

But this is so mean.

Look, Rowley, if you wanna actually win,

you gotta be willing to get down in the mud.

But a Woodchipper is supposed to be morally clean.

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Look, you don't want me to go to Spag Union, do ya?

You can get in trouble for these.

That's what's so genius about my campaign.

My name's not on any of these posters.

The only way they'd find out is if they literally caught me putting one up.

Now, hand me some tape.

Busted!

You got this, Greg!

First time in detention? I haven't seen you around here before.

Yeah. But I don't belong here.

Welcome to the club. Every single person in here is innocent.

Innocent? Leon Rickett threw a dictionary through a window in homeroom.

I don't deserve to be in here with these future criminals!

Uh...

No offense, Leon.

So, what'd they nail you for? Vandalism? Arson? Fighting on school property?

Nothing like that. I just made some Student Council posters they didn't like.

Huh. Politics. It's a dirty business.

It's just that my dad already thinks I'm a screw-up.

And if he finds out about this, then he's gonna send me to Spag Union for sure.

- Spag Union? - Who said that?

- That place will eat you alive. - Yeah, no kidding.

Well, what if I had something

that could turn things around between you and your pops?

- What do you mean? - Let's just say

I've got access to some materials I've collected in my five years here.

You've been in middle school for five years?

Hey, practice makes perfect.

'Student of the Week?' Where'd you even get this?

That's not important. What's important

is that you make things right with you and your dad.

Wait, what would something like that cost?

One bumper sticker for one lunch snack. I've got a real sweet tooth.

I don't know. That's pretty steep.

Oh, that's all right.

I've got plenty of other customers who need to score points on the home front.

Okay, done! I'll give you my snack tomorrow.

Oh, yeah, I should've mentioned. There's just one catch.

To do the deal, you gotta buy the whole pack of fifty.

- One snack per sticker. - Fifty?

Hey! Who said that!

Slackers!

But that would be all my snacks for the rest of the school year.

Hey, nobody said impressing your old man was gonna be cheap.

- So, what's it gonna be? - Uh, um...

This is unbelievable. What did you do to earn this, Greg?

Well, I've been trying to step up my game at school.

I guess somebody finally noticed.

I'd say!

Just don't put it on a notebook, this thing's a bully magnet.

- Mine. - We could put it on the van.

The van? But that's already covered in bumper stickers.

No, this deserves a place of honor.

Ooh! Stickers!

Aw!

Actually, I really don't wanna show off. I'd like to stay humble.

An accomplishment like this is worth bragging about, Greg.

And hey, it looks like this earns you your Scholarship merit badge.

And that gets you a signature.

And if you're elected Class Treasurer, you've got Leadership in the bag.

Fingers crossed on that one.

Maybe your accomplishments will inspire other people in the family

to step up their game.

Hmm.

What are y'all lookin' at?

You've got the ball rollin' now, Greg.

What do you say we knock through the rest of the badges together?

Together? Um, uh... That's okay.

I perform better when I'm flying solo.

Are you kidding? We're partners in this, son.

From now on, we're gonna be attached at the hip.

Great.

Trust me at first, I wasn't crazy about spending so much time with my dad.

Because I'm the kinda person who needs his space.

No, Greg. Okay. Your pulling it.

But once my dad gets excited about something, he's like a dog with a bone.

- Whoa! No, no, no! - Whoa!

So, I could tell I needed to do things his way and push through it.

Even though things can get a little uncomfortable from time to time...

Yes!

...at least we're having some fun trying.

I've gotta admit, it doesn't been all bad.

I don't wanna get too corny or anything...

...but maybe we're actually starting

to get the hang of this father-son thing.

Easy. They have a tight grip, so you just gotta angle it in there.

Oh, shoot!

- Sorry. - Ah. Don't worry about it.

He can be the scout on the lookout for the rebel army.

I think you should put these cannons up on this hill with these guys.

They'd have a better chance against these other guys.

Well, the Seventh Regiment didn't have cannons.

That's what made the Continental Army's

victory against the British so much more significant.

They never gave up in the face of a challenge.

So, why do you like doing this so much?

Well, when I'm working on my diorama, I feel like I'm in control,

and I don't always feel that way in real life.

I guess it's my way of making sense of things.

Huh. Yeah, I get that.

So, what did you come down here for anyway?

- Are you working on your Hobbying badge? - Nah. I just wanted to hang out.

Oh, yeah, I did wanna show you something.

Safety Patrol? Is this for your Citizenship badge?

Yep, it's one of the last big ones I've gotta earn to get to Woodchipper Elite.

Yeah, you're gettin' pretty close by now.

By the time the Icy Pines Campout rolls around,

I'll bet the only badge you'll have left is Wilderness Survival.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that one.

After everything you've accomplished son, that one will be a piece of cake.

Huh? Looks like they gave you a hand-me-down vest.

Yeah. Rowley got a used one, too.

That's what you get for joining in the middle of the year, I guess.

So what intersection did they put you two in charge of?

Actually, Mrs. Winsky put us in charge of walking the kindergarteners to school.

So, diaper duty, basically.

Hey, that's a lotta responsibility.

Mrs. Winsky must see somethin' special in you.

Now, just promise me you boys will keep those kids outta harm's way.

Yes, sir!

At ease, soldier. And dismissed.

Later, Dad.

Huh. That was nice.

No!

Come on!

Go get 'em, son.

You got it, Dad.

I'm all over it.

Petey, one hand on the rope, please.

Let's keep it to the sidewalk.

I think we should ask Mrs. Winsky for a new assignment.

We shouldn't be in charge of all these kids.

I just need to do this for a few days

so I can fulfill my Public Safety requirements,

then we can quit.

My dad's been signing off on this stuff left and right.

Did your dad ever find out you got detention?

No, and he can't find out!

Right now, I'm a lock for getting out of Spag Union,

and I can't do anything to mess that up.

Greg? I think Mikey might need to go to the bathroom.

Mikey, we talked about this.

You're supposed to save your juice box for snack time.

Look, Rowley, you're gonna have to turn around

and take Mikey home so he can use the potty.

But then I'd be late for school. Why can't you do it?

I already got detention once this quarter.

And if you get it a second time, the school calls your home.

Greg!

Seriously, guys? We can't take our eyes off you for one second?

This is disgusting.

There are worms in this slop.

Worm!

No! Don't run away!

No!

Is that my dad?

Rowley, go get those kids out of there.

Hey, son.

Got your hot chocolate,

whipped cream and everything.

Is this a new car?

Well, leased. I'm paying month to month.

I needed a nice way to display your bumper sticker.

Wow. Looks great.

Wait, aren't you guys supposed to be walking the kindergartners to school?

Uh, yeah. I went ahead of Rowley

to make sure the route was safe for the kids.

Well, just make sure you keep those kids

clear of that construction site.

Oh, yeah, I was planning on taping it off.

Initiative, I like it.

I'll see ya back at home base after school.

Then we can start on your Genealogy badge requirements.

Looking forward to it.

Please leave.

Whew! That was close.

Do you think we got all of them?

I think so.

Prink!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa! Ooh!

Let's get these kids to school.

Uh, Greg?

Oh, no.

Zooee mama!

Ugh! Really?

Yes, I understand concrete is expensive these days.

I'm dealing with the perpetrator now.

Do you know what the most important tenet of the Safety Patrol is?

Uh, bravery? No, no, wait!

- Cheerfulness? - Safety!

And today, you and your partner abandoned that principle.

I know, but I promise we won't let it happen again.

A neighbor reported watching a Safety Patrol matching your description

terrorizing kindergartners with a live worm.

- But, Mrs. Winsky, I was only trying to... - Your menacing behavior

towards those children resulted in damage to a homeowner's driveway.

I'm afraid you're gonna have to surrender your vest and badge.

I understand, Mrs. Winsky.

Furthermore, I'll be calling your parents to let them know about your suspension.

But, Mrs. Winsky, you don't understand.

If my dad finds out about this, he'll...

That's enough. You're excused.

'Duffley.'

Duffley?

Now get back to class, Craig.

Uh... Yes, ma'am, Mrs. Winsky.

I guarantee you, I'll learn from this experience.

Or my name's not Craig Duffley.

Which it is.

Oh, kids.

I don't like them.

What's up, neighbor?

Whoa! Sweet ride, Heffley.

You win the lottery or something?

Well, let's just say I decided it was time to treat myself.

'Student of the Week?'

Hold up. Which one of your boys scored that?

Greg. He's been on a roll lately.

Did you know he's just a few badges shy of earning Woodchipper Elite.

So how's Weston doing on his path to Woodchipper Elite?

Well, my boy's been little busy with sports.

Did you know Weston just got named pre-season all-star?

That's not even a thing, Dad.

But it should be.

So, how's your boy doing with that Physical Fitness badge?

Still doin' that bouncy ball stuff?

He's been a little busy with Safety Patrols.

I think he's got a shot at being named captain.

Well, speak of the devil.

Hey, Greg, where's your Safety Patrol gear?

Mr. Warren wanted to check it out.

I must have left it in my locker.

Wait, did you guys hear about those Safety Patrols,

who chased those kindergartners through that freshly poured driveway this morning?

Ooh! I heard they caused a ton of damage.

Well, uh, you know, as much as I'd like to hang with you fellas,

me and Weston gotta get over to the sports complex.

Hey, is there any room on that team of yours for Greg?

- Dad! - That depends.

Does Greg have any playing experience?

Well, he was a midfielder back in, uh...

When... when was that again, Greg?

- Preschool. - Preschool!

Oh? Well, that is an impressive résumé,

but everyone on my team has to earn their playing time.

Even my boy.

Greg can achieve anything he sets out to.

You might be surprised what he's capable of.

All right, then get your boy proper footwear

and meet us down at the complex.

Hey, Greg, think fast.

Don't worry, Greg. I'll show you the ropes.

I, uh, we'll catch you on the field.

Can't wait.

So my dad signed me up for the team,

- and even though I tried my best... - Whoa!

...I guess I don't have whatever genes make you good at sports.

In fact, the more I practiced, the worse I got.

Put some heat on it, Greg.

Mmm. Mmm-mmm-mmm.

All right, team, get your butts over here.

And it turns out that if you've got a sense of humor,

it'll earn you a spot on the bench.

But I gotta admit, being part of a team wasn't so bad.

In fact, it kinda made me wonder what I'd been missing out on all these years.

And if it took getting through the end of the season

to get me out of Spag Union,

I was willing to suffer through it.

- Goal! - Goal!

Okay. Let's go, honey,

just watch your step.

Oh, there you are. I thought you went to the bathroom.

Oh, yeah, I did. But then I found a quarter on the ground.

Well, you should've come straight back.

And next time, bend your knees,

- all right? - All right, Dad.

Mr. Warren might've put you in the game.

- Goal! - Goal!

Actually, now that I've tried a team sport,

I'm all set with my Physical Fitness badge.

And I'm quitting.

You can do this, Greg.

No son of mine is a quitter.

But Manny's on his third or fourth preschool already.

And Rodrick quits things all the time.

Well, that ends today.

You're so close to the finish line, Greg.

Just see this one through, and then we'll talk about Spag Union.

Hey, do you want to jump in? The game's two-player.

I'll meet you out in the car.

Yeah. You see Weston out there?

- Oh, yeah. - My God, I think he gets that speed

from my side of the family.

Yeah. Such a great game.

- Hey, good talk. - See you at the next one.

- Hey, Walt. - Hey, Frank.

Good game.

Oh, you guys really took it to those guys.

Yeah. Weston made some nice saves out there.

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Uh, you know, I couldn't help notice, though,

Greg, uh, didn't get much playing time.

None, actually.

Frank, I told you before,

on my team, the players have to earn their playin' time.

You guys were up by five goals most of the game.

You couldn't give my boy a chance?

Sorry, Frank.

I don't wanna put your boy in a position to fail.

See you next week.

Hey, Dad!

Got any quarters?

Maybe Walt's right, Susan.

Maybe I did set Greg up for failure.

Our kids aren't gonna be successful in everything they do, Frank.

If they're not failing, they're not growing. Boop.

I feel like I put him in a no-win situation with this soccer thing.

What's he gonna gain by sitting on the bench the whole season?

He'll see that his father will keep showing up for him no matter what.

That he's his biggest fan.

And there is no better lesson than that.

Last game of the season. How ya feelin'?

I'm okay. Sorry I haven't gotten to play yet.

Aw. That's all right.

I've had fun coming to your games.

But if I don't get in the game, I won't be able to finish

my Physical Fitness badge requirements.

Well, maybe I could overlook a requirement, just this once.

Well, this is your stop.

If you need me, I'll be up in the bleachers.

Ricky.

What are you doing here?

Let's just say I'm a fan of the game.

And I have an interest in the outcome of this one in particular.

What's that supposed to mean?

I've got money on Blue. So don't blow it, Heffley.

Trust me, there's no chance I'm getting in the game.

Well, that's a pity.

I was hoping to get some payback for your little smear campaign.

I went to detention for that. We're even.

Do you know how hard it is to get a seat in the cafeteria

when you've got the 'Patty Farrell Touch?'

Ew!

All right, captains. Bring it in.

Lenwood Heath? You gotta be kidding me.

Usually, I could care less about what happens in a sports game.

But I got swept up in the excitement of this one.

- Every time one team... - Yes!

...would take the lead, the other team would take it back.

As the game went on, it got a lot more chippy on the field.

Think fast.

And I thanked my lucky stars I wasn't out there.

But then, with the game tied in the final seconds,

- disaster. - Whoa!

Blue team, red card.

Aah! Come on, ref. That was a legal tackle.

Red team, penalty kick.

Blue, you're gonna need a new goalie.

Where am I gonna find a new goalie?

Put Greg in!

Hefley, suit up.

- Yes! - What?

You got this, Greg!

I believe in you, Greg!

It's on you, man.

Ooh, Coach, can I take the penalty kick?

Farrell, you are in!

Yeah.

Now, wait for my whistle to kick the ball.

Goalie, are you ready?

Try not to hurt him, Patty!

I've been waiting for this day a long time, Greg Heffley.

Would you please kick the ball already?

Patty Farrell touch this!

Yes!

Huh?

In your face, Patty!

Yeah!

Come on!

Whoo! In your face, Greg Heffley. Whoo!

I'm proud of you, Greg.

But I lost the game.

This isn't about winning or losing.

It's about putting yourself out there, stepping into the arena.

Hey, what do you say we go home, make some popcorn

and watch one of those cheesy monster movies?

Well, that sounds like fun.

Tough loss, Heffleys.

Yeah, well, it's not always about wins and losses.

Hey, have you given any thought to sending Greg to Spag Union, Mr. Heffley?

They've got a competitive soccer team.

I'm not sure Greg needs to go to Spag Union.

He's already on a good path.

Well, registration's still open if you change your mind.

Looks like your soccer career

went as well as your political career, Greg Heffley.

Uh, good game, Patty.

At least you got to feel what it's actually like

to lose this time instead of being disqualified.

Disqualified?

You just cost me a pile of money, Heffley.

You better hope I don't see you back in detention.

Detention?

Uh, maybe we should talk about this in the car.

Hey, it's the bad boy!

He chased us with worms!

Yeah!

Worms?

Well, technically, it was just one worm.

What's going on, Greg?

- Mr. Duffley - Mr. Duffley?

Uh... she must be talking about someone else.

I need to speak to you about your son's suspension.

Suspension?

Greg, what is she talking about?

There's all sorts of crazies out here today, let's go, please.

There he is, ladies. Let's get him!

Oh. Great kid you got there, Frank.

Who's running now, you little twerp?

I can't believe you, Greg.

When you had me sign off on those badges, you weren't just being dishonest,

you made a liar out of me!

I know, but I wasn't trying to.

Disqualified from Student Council. Sent to detention.

Suspended from the Safety Patrol.

Anything else you want to tell me about, Greg?

I think that pretty much covers it.

Oh, boy.

- Okay. Oh, dear. - Stickers.

Actually, I take that back.

Okay!

Oh, that kid!

Dad, wait.

Mom, please.

Oh, Greg.

Yes, Frank.

No!

Congratulations.

You have successfully registered to Spag Union.

Oh, man. Bubby toast.

Whoa!

Okay. I found your old tent in the garage.

Your sleeping bags and the rest of your stuff

are already packed in the fancy new car.

- The rest of what stuff? - Your camping gear.

What? Who's going camping?

You are. The Icy Pines Campout is this weekend.

Yeah, well, there's no point in goin' on that anymore.

You two signed up, and you're gonna honor your commitment.

After all, Heffleys aren't quitters.

Oh! And bring lots of layers.

I've heard it's gonna be a cold one this weekend.

Whoa!

Whoo! Yes!

Whoa!

Oh!

Can't beat nature. With that, we're done.

Great job, Rowley.

Thanks, Dad.

Who wants cocoa?

Remind me to thank Rowley for the Joshie blanket.

Are you almost done with that?

I just need a second. The instructions didn't make any sense.

Are we gonna make s'mores? I love s'mores.

It says here you're supposed to put the stakes in the corners first.

Dad, I've got this.

Yes! See? I didn't need any help.

This is like the lawn mower situation all over again.

That was, like, a hundred years ago.

Yeah, well, some things never change.

You don't need to pile on. You already won.

What's that supposed to mean?

You got your way. I'm going to Spag Union.

And you think I'm happy about that?

I'm sending you there because you left me no choice.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you the truth sooner.

But we were starting to actually have fun together.

And I didn't want anything to mess that up.

Look, Greg, I...

Bring it in, campers. It's chow time.

Yeah!

How about we just try to survive the weekend, huh?

Deal.

Whatever we don't use, we freeze to use in next year's chili.

Ooh, green pepper.

Four years ago, if memory serves.

Uh... you know, I think I'll just have a biscuit.

I'm not surprised.

You wouldn't try my famous chili when you were your son's age.

Wait. You went on one of these camp-outs before?

I bet he didn't tell you this one.

Your father fell down an embankment on a hike

and stirred up an underground wasp nest.

Must've been stung 20 times.

It was only seven.

Boy, your dad has a talent for spinning disaster outta thin air.

Don't worry, I'll eat whatever Frank doesn't want.

Greg, over here!

Hey, Rowley! Come on!

Yeah, sure. Why not?

No chili for you, Heffley?

Oh. Uh... It... It didn't look too appetizing.

Good call. It's been repeating on Rowley here.

I tooted.

Rowley, language!

Sorry, Dad.

So, are you boys worried that the muddy hand might get you tonight?

What's the muddy hand?

Well, some people say a dismembered hand crawls through these woods,

looking for innocent young Woodchippers to drag into the darkness.

But we are innocent young Woodchippers.

Ah! Don't worry.

It's probably just a fairy tale to keep campers...

Ah. That one gets 'em every time.

I think I see a table with more space over there.

Muddy hand, so played out.

What? Somethin' I said?

All right, Woodchippers, enough foolin' around.

We have to squeeze in a five-mile hike before dark.

Sorry about my dad.

He can be a little extra sometimes.

Believe me, I get it.

- Come on. - Hey, Frank.

- Hey, Walt. - Hey, sorry.

I hope I didn't scare your boy.

Oh, he'll survive.

And... And, I'm sure Weston's heard that story more than once, huh?

Yeah. I...

I can't seem to do anything without getting under Weston's skin these days.

Is it like that with you and Greg?

Well...

...we don't always get along, if that's what you're asking.

Guess it's just a weird age, right?

Yeah. Something like that.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not the perfect father by any means.

You can say that again.

I just don't wanna do anything to drive my boy away.

We only get 'em for a little while, you know?

Yeah.

You're lucky you and your boy are so much alike.

Must make the whole father-son thing a lot easier.

You think I'm like Greg?

Are you kidding me?

You two are practically the same person.

- Come on. - Huh.

All right. Come on, Weston,

before the muddy hand gets us.

See you out on the trail, Heffley.

Come on now, keep up!

We don't want anyone gettin' lost.

Be careful crossin' here, Woodchippers.

This natural bridge has been here since I was in diapers...

...if you can believe that.

Get in front of me. Time waits for no one.

This way, campers.

Doesn't it feel great to be out in nature?

Exercise is great for the constitution.

And these chia seeds are fueling my body.

That muddy hand thing was pretty dumb.

Mr. Warren was just tryin' to scare us.

Right?

I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.

I mean, a hand couldn't technically keep living without a body.

How would it breathe? It doesn't even make sense.

Yeah, you're probably right about that.

A tent doesn't feel like good protection against that thing, though.

Maybe we should keep the opening zipped up just in case.

Well, only if it makes you feel better.

Deal.

Uh... do you think we're lost?

Of course not. Don't worry.

Troopmaster Barrett knows these trails like his own chili.

Woodchippers. Come on, gather round.

We appear to have wandered off the trail.

Seriously?

Wait a minute. I've picked up what appears to be human tracks.

These will definitely lead us back to civilization.

Wait a minute, these look like my footprints.

And these are mine.

We've been walking in circles!

Well, that settles it.

We're lost!

Oh, come on!

It's a dream come true.

Uh, what are we gonna do, Troopmaster Barrett?

Best we can do is make camp for the night

and hope that someone comes searching for us in the morning.

Make camp? But we don't have our tents!

Or sleeping bags.

I don't even have my pillow.

We'll sleep closely together, and use our body heat to keep each other warm.

Quick, son, before we freeze.

Troopmaster Barrett,

what if we could find our way back to camp before the sun goes down?

Don't we have a compass?

Unfortunately, I broke mine when I lost my footing on the trail back there.

But isn't there a way to make one of those?

Greg's right. It's in the Orienteering section.

There we are.

Dad, do we have a needle and thread?

We sure do.

Hey, maybe we can knit some sweaters.

Hmm.

- Rowley, let me see that jar. - My chia seeds!

Onward, campers.

Good thinkin', Greg.

Hey, if the Continental Army gave up in the face of a challenge,

they never would've turned the tides on the British.

You were listening.

Well, why wouldn't I have listened?

Good news, campers.

We found the natural bridge!

Whoa!

What do you say we go back to my camping idea?

Petey, one hand on the rope, please.

That's it. Guys, I know what to do.

Does anybody have a rope?

Well, what's your plan, young Heffley?

We can tie it around two trees and use it to cross the rocks.

We just need to use a strong knot.

Oh. That would be a bowline knot. I remember.

Yeah, but we never mastered that one.

If we work together, maybe we can figure it out.

Okay. I think you got the loop right.

We just need to... ...meet in the middle.

Huh. That wasn't so hard, was it?

Wish we'd figured that out sooner.

All right, let's do this, Woodchippers.

Okay, come on.

Watch your step.

All right, let's go. Whoa, whoa.

Whoa!

Now, be careful. These rocks are slippery.

Almost there.

That's all of them, Frank.

All right. Come on, Walt.

Coming over now.

Make way for the big dog.

Should I do it with my eyes closed?

Dad!

All good!

Don't worry!

Dad, let's go.

Just hang on! We're coming!

- Dad, are you okay? - I'm fine!

This water isn't even that cold.

More like room temperature.

This isn't even a river.

It's more like a creek.

Oh, God! Oh, God!

All right,

...you've got my attention now!

Well, this is it for me.

Weston! Make sure they change the oil in the SUV every 3,000 miles.

Greg, wait until I get there!

Mr. Warren, grab my hand!

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- Whoa! - I got you, Greg. And I'm not letting go.

This is what we've been trainin' for, Woodchippers.

Everybody, make a human chain!

Pull! Pull! With every ounce of your strength.

Are you okay, Dad?

I am now.

That's how you do it.

Hey, I think I can see the camp from here!

All right, let's get back before hypothermia sets in.

And with the power vested in me by the Plainville Woodchippers,

I'm proud to award you both the Wilderness Survival badge.

Whoa!

All right, everybody, lights out!

Sunrise hike tomorrow.

Come on. Hop to it.

- Hey, nice save, Greg. I'm impressed. - Thanks, Greg.

Yeah, don't mention it.

Frank, great son you got there.

You too, Walt.

All right. Come on, Weston. Race you to the tent.

So, uh, you want to roast some marshmallows or something?

Nah, I think I've had enough outdoor activities for a weekend.

Maybe a whole lifetime.

Yeah, and after all that I'm not even close to Woodchipper Elite.

But at least I got this one.

I hope the guys at Spag Union will be impressed.

Yeah, uh, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Greg, we're not sending you to Spag Union.

Whoa! What?

I'm gonna cancel your registration.

I don't want to lose out on spending more time with my son.

I only get you for a little while, you know?

- You know what I wish, though? - What?

That we didn't have to spend the night in a tent.

Hmm.

Ha, ha! Yeah, all right!

- Yeah, crush it! - Destroy it all!

You know, some people think you and me are pretty similar.

Me and you? No way.

I know. Crazy, right?

I'll take it, though. I can think of worse people to be compared to.

Ah. Thanks, kid.

So it turns out, me and my dad have more in common than I thought.

For starters, we're definitely both indoor people.

And I'm not too proud to say that

I've already learned a thing or two from my dad along the way.

But I'm not sure there's anything else he could teach me at this point.

Uh-oh. I might have forgotten to lock the car.

Greg, you didn't lock it, did you?

And how was I supposed to do that?

With the key?

The key?