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1
00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:06,140
Hey. What are you doing?
2
00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,275
Picking out a shirt.
3
00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:08,976
Oh. That one looks nice.
4
00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:10,378
You like it?
Yeah.
5
00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,113
Then no.
6
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,750
Okay. Uh, listen,
I was wondering, um...
7
00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:18,586
do you have any plans
for Thanksgiving?
8
00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:21,155
Alan, I don't think
that far ahead.
9
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:22,890
It's this Thursday.
10
00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:25,226
No kidding.
11
00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:26,927
Didn't we just
get through
12
00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:30,798
that whole pumpkin...
the costume thing
with the kid?
13
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:31,432
Halloween?
14
00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,533
Yeah.
15
00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,535
Yeah, three weeks ago.
16
00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:37,105
Huh. Then no, I-I
got no plans. Why?
17
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,539
Well, I was thinking, uh,
18
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,408
Jake's going to be with his mom
and her parents,
19
00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,710
and I thought maybe you and I
could do something.
20
00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:44,445
Okay. Want to go to Vegas?
21
00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:47,215
Well, I was thinking something
a little more traditional.
22
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,384
Reno?
23
00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,320
Charlie, it's a family holiday.
24
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,954
Yeah, so, I'm your family...
25
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:56,257
unless you want to
spend a perfectly
good Thursday
26
00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:58,092
with Mom the Impaler.
27
00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,130
Think we can get
into the Bellagio?
28
00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,397
Leave it to me.
29
00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:04,798
Ooh, that one's nice.
30
00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,804
Here's what we'll do.
31
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,973
We'll fly to Vegas,
have a big steak dinner,
32
00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,075
get you a lap dance and
a bucket of nickels.
33
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,644
What are the nickels for?
34
00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:19,280
I'll explain it on the plane.
35
00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,115
You know, that-that sounds
kind of fun.
36
00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:23,651
Two single guys
rockin' out in Vegas.
37
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,286
The-the glitz,
the glamour...
38
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,287
Dude...
39
00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,456
don't gay it up.
40
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,863
You know, I like this
shirt much better.
41
00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,366
Stop screwing with me, Alan.
42
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,369
So, uh, who's the lucky gal?
43
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,570
Remember Lisa?
44
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,605
Lisa who used to live here Lisa?
45
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,907
She lived here; she moved out.
46
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,243
She lived here; I moved out.
47
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,480
At one point,
neither one of us lived here.
48
00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:53,381
Yeah,
49
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,148
that Lisa.
50
00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,082
Wow. So she's going
51
00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,617
to take you back again?
52
00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:59,453
Hey, who said she's the one
who broke up with...
53
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,589
Yeah, I'm hoping.
54
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,324
Well, good luck.
55
00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,592
Thanks.
56
00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:06,627
( door shuts )
57
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:10,431
I've completely lost confidence
in this shirt.
58
00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,673
Hey, Lis, sorry I'm late.
59
00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,710
Hey. How many times
did you change your shirt
60
00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,312
before you left the house?
61
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,647
I wanted to look pretty
for you.
62
00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:29,783
You're such a girl.
63
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:32,019
Thanks, you too.
64
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:34,488
It's good to see you.
65
00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,290
It's good to
see you, too.
66
00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,062
So... you want
to just blow this place
67
00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,532
and get a room?
68
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,367
I can't.
69
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,335
Why not?
70
00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,702
I'm getting married.
71
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:54,074
Yeah. Ha, ha. Me, too.
72
00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,843
I'm not kidding.
73
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,212
You can't do that. You love me.
74
00:02:58,279 --> 00:02:59,880
That's not the point.
75
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:01,114
I'm tired of doing
76
00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,450
this dance of death with you:
77
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,918
hooking up, breaking up,
making up...
78
00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,287
That's not a dance of death.
79
00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:09,857
That's... the circle of life.
80
00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,159
It may be your life,
but it's not mine.
81
00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,827
Not anymore.
82
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,195
I'm moving on.
83
00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:16,196
To what?
84
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,831
To settling down.
85
00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,467
To having a family.
86
00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,370
To not having my heart
constantly broken
87
00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:25,373
by a man who refuses to grow up.
88
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,376
And that would be me?
89
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:31,845
Yes, you, you big ass!
90
00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,583
But the sex was awesome,
though, right?
91
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,652
Yes, it was... but
there's more...
92
00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,522
to relationships...
Is it awesome
with your fiancé?
93
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,990
None of your business.
94
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,125
It's not, is it?
95
00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:47,395
God, why did I call you?
96
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,962
I'll tell you why.
97
00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,564
Because in your heart,
98
00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,766
you know you're about to make
a huge mistake,
99
00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,768
and you want me
to talk you out of it.
100
00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:58,372
No. I was hoping
you and I could
have some closure.
101
00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,474
Well, then I refer you
back to my suggestion
102
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,577
that we blow this place
and get a room.
103
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,046
Same old Charlie.
104
00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:08,949
What if I wasn't?
105
00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,684
Would you still be marrying
this clown?
106
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,119
Bo is not a clown.
107
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:13,120
Bo?
108
00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:14,121
Bo.
109
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,489
I'm sorry.
110
00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:18,025
Bo-Bo is a clown.
111
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,295
Charlie, you'll never change.
112
00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:24,632
Look at you-- a grown man who
can't even commit to long pants.
113
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,867
Hey, I could commit
to long pants.
114
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,836
I was just focused
on the shirt today...
115
00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,339
And for your information,
I've gone
116
00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:32,840
through changes
like you wouldn't believe
117
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,375
since the last time
we were together.
118
00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:35,509
Like what?
119
00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:39,146
Well... I have a kid now.
120
00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,548
Oh, God, Charlie,
121
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,716
what poor girl
did you knock up?
122
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:44,852
No, no, no. It's my nephew.
123
00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,920
He and my brother
are living with me now.
124
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,889
I'm, like, Mr. Family Guy.
125
00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,592
Yeah, right. Family Guy.
126
00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,293
How's it going
with your mom?
127
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:56,830
What the hell's my mom
got to do with family?
128
00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,700
Come on, Charlie.
129
00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:02,336
We both know
you'll never have a
successful relationship
130
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,304
with any woman,
let alone me,
131
00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:07,074
until you resolve
your issues with
your mother.
132
00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,978
Well... as a matter of fact,
133
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,013
it just so happens,
134
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,282
on that note,
since you mentioned it...
135
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:19,219
...those issues are resolved.
136
00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:20,020
Really.
137
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,822
How'd that happen?
138
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:25,025
You know, uh... communication,
139
00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:29,062
self-reflection,
personal growth, crap like that.
140
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:33,066
The important thing
is I now have
141
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,902
a much deeper appreciation for--
142
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,538
what do you call 'em--
traditional values.
143
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,573
Traditional values?
144
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,942
This from a guy
who offered my sister a car
145
00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,111
if she'd come to bed with us?
146
00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,349
It was a joke,
and I was drunk...
147
00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,621
...but still, it shows
a yearning for family.
148
00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:58,225
Okay, this is going nowhere.
149
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,260
Lisa, wait.
I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
150
00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:03,230
I-I don't want you
to not be in my life anymore.
151
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:04,965
I'd-I'd like us to be friends.
152
00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,400
I'd like that, too.
153
00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,602
Good. So when
are you getting married?
154
00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:10,638
Well, we haven't set a date.
155
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,441
We're going to talk about
it when Bo gets back
from New York on Monday.
156
00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:16,009
Oh, so, you're all alone
for Thanksgiving?
157
00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,511
Yeah. Why?
158
00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,218
Change of plans.
159
00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,622
* Men... *
160
00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,765
We're going to have
a big family dinner right here.
161
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,199
Uh-huh, and whose big family
162
00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,902
were you planning on inviting?
163
00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,605
You know, you, me,
Jake, Mom, turkey,
164
00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,039
just like the good old days.
165
00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,941
What good old days?
166
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,610
It's just an expression.
167
00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:50,911
Don't get hung up on it.
168
00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,613
Oh, and Lisa might come.
169
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,982
Okay, what's going on?
170
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,984
I need to show Lisa
that I'm a family guy.
171
00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,687
But you're not.
172
00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,455
That's not the point.
173
00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:03,457
She's about to go off
and marry some jerk
174
00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:06,460
just because he loves her
and wants to settle down.
175
00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,128
Oh, I get it.
176
00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,130
You're Satan.
177
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,633
Alan, this is serious.
178
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,635
I could lose her forever.
179
00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:17,571
Wow... and you care?
180
00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:18,839
I love her, Alan.
181
00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,340
She's the only one
I ever thought
182
00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,876
I might eventually
wind up with.
183
00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,513
"Eventually wind up with."
184
00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,682
I'm touched.
185
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,250
So, you want to, what,
186
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:31,985
keep her warming up
in your bullpen
187
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:37,157
until the bottom of the ninth,
when you lose your... arm?
188
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,162
Okay, I don't know
how we got onto sports...
189
00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:45,533
...but the thing is
I really care for Lisa,
190
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,968
and she needs to believe
I'm capable of changing.
191
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:51,371
Ah, but the thing is
you're not.
192
00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:52,773
We don't know that.
193
00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,274
I might be.
194
00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:57,144
Who knows what would happen
if I actually tried?
195
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,679
You're-you're really serious
about this.
196
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:03,150
Alan, I've got a 200-pound
turkey melting in my lap.
197
00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,585
What do you think?
198
00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,954
Okay, okay.
How-how can I help?
199
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,589
Well, obviously,
we can't have
200
00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:10,791
a family Thanksgiving
without a kid,
201
00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:14,027
so you need to get Jake
back from your wife.
202
00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,296
Simple as that, huh?
203
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,799
Okay, so-so I go to Judith,
and I say,
204
00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,535
"Forget the fact that we agreed
on a custody schedule.
205
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,503
"Forget the fact
that your parents are driving
206
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,006
"all the way from Sacramento to
spend time with their grandson.
207
00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,842
"Uh, Charlie needs to use
our son as a prop
208
00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,979
"so that he can maintain an
on-again off-again relationship
209
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:36,784
with a woman with whom
he might eventually wind up."
210
00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:38,919
You know what?
211
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,387
I'll talk to her.
Yeah.
212
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,321
No way in hell.
213
00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:42,322
Are you insane?
214
00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:43,724
What's wrong with you?
215
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,893
Okay, maybe I didn't explain it
correctly.
216
00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,094
You explained it fine.
217
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,896
You're not taking Jake
for Thanksgiving.
218
00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,398
Not just Jake. You can come,
too, and your parents.
219
00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,201
Think of it: the whole family,
just like the good old days.
220
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,903
What good old days?
221
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:59,372
Geez, why is everybody
so damn literal?
222
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:02,042
Look, Judith,
what is Thanksgiving about
223
00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,410
if not family,
224
00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,778
and wouldn't it be good for Jake
225
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,580
to spend Thanksgiving
with his whole family,
226
00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,016
because that's
what Thanksgiving is about:
227
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:12,720
family... and stuff.
228
00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,855
I don't know.
229
00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,523
And you wouldn't have
to lift a finger.
230
00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,291
I'll have someone there
to do the cooking,
231
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,492
the serving, and the cleaning.
232
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,393
Really? Who?
233
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,029
My housekeeper, Berta.
234
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:25,265
She's a saint, and she's
really looking forward to this.
235
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,735
No way in hell. Are you insane?
236
00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,136
What's wrong with you?
237
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,570
Come on.
238
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,405
I don't work holidays,
Charlie.
239
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:33,573
Please?
240
00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:34,608
I got a life, you know.
241
00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:35,943
Pretty please?
242
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:38,211
My brother is in
the Witness Protection Program,
243
00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:40,748
and I've been invited
to spend Thanksgiving with him
244
00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:43,250
at an undisclosed location.
245
00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:45,919
I'll give you $1,000.
246
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:46,720
Done.
247
00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,991
( doorbell rings )
248
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,729
Hi. You must be Jake.
249
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,731
Yes, I am.
My wonderful Uncle Charlie
250
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,633
has opened his home to me
and my father
251
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,869
'cause we had nowhere else
to go.
252
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,842
Hey-hey, merry Thanksgiving!
253
00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:16,216
I like what you've done
with the place.
254
00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,384
You picked out
everything here.
255
00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:19,386
I know.
256
00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,021
I just wanted to
make sure you did.
257
00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:24,925
Charlie, I've
got to admit,
258
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,393
I never thought
I'd see the day
259
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,595
when you'd be hosting
a family Thanksgiving.
260
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:29,763
Well, like
I've been telling you,
261
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:30,931
I've changed.
262
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,432
So, with that in mind,
263
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,768
you want to blow this place
and get a room?
264
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,670
Charlie, stop it.
265
00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,171
Come on, introduce me.
266
00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:39,339
Fine.
267
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,676
Lisa, this is Judith,
my former sister-in-law,
268
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,611
but still, you know, family.
269
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:45,779
Hi. Nice to
meet you.
270
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,247
Nice to meet you.
271
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,382
And these, of course,
are her wonderful parents,
272
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,550
Sherman and Lorraine.
273
00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,019
Sheldon and Lenore.
274
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,553
Sheldon and Lenore.
275
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,288
CHARLIE:
It's great to
see you, folks.
276
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,657
So, Shelley,
how are you liking California?
277
00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:59,693
We live in
California.
278
00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,029
So you must really like it.
279
00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,764
ALAN:
Hi, Lisa.
280
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,132
So nice to see you again.
281
00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,633
Hi, Alan.
Long time.
282
00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:07,868
See, isn't this great?
283
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,770
This is why
we all come together.
284
00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,872
We break up, we make up,
but in the end,
285
00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:15,075
the love is the love,
and the family is the family.
286
00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:19,046
Ease up on the
wine, Charlie.
287
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:20,380
No, he's right,
and Alan,
288
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:21,982
Sheldon and I
want you to know
289
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,017
that even though
you and our daughter
290
00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,252
are no longer married,
291
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,420
we will always think of you
as our son.
292
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,857
What the hell is that
supposed to mean, Ma?
293
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,893
It means that even though
you loused up your marriage,
294
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,327
we still love him.
295
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,696
Oh, thanks a lot, Dad,
I appreciate the blame.
296
00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:38,265
This is really
Judith's family.
297
00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:39,632
Let's go find mine.
298
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:44,037
Hey, Berta,
look who's here.
299
00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:45,338
Hi, Berta.
300
00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:48,742
Oh, honey, don't tell me
you're back here again.
301
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,310
Don't you ever learn?
302
00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,680
As a matter of fact,
I think I have.
303
00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:54,782
Good for you.
304
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,817
You can do so
much better.
305
00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:03,656
And remember, you may have
two grandmothers,
306
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,493
but only one of them
has enough money
307
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,328
to send you
to medical school.
308
00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,964
What if I don't want
to go to medical school?
309
00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:13,600
Well, then, you break
your grandmommy's heart,
310
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,335
just like your father did.
311
00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,669
Dad's a doctor.
312
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,872
No, sweetheart.
313
00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:21,374
Your father's
a chiropractor.
314
00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:24,444
That's a masseuse
without the hot oil.
315
00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,079
Go play with your friends.
316
00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,514
I'm the only kid here.
317
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,851
Well, you might want to think
about why that is.
318
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:36,123
I want more money.
319
00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:38,558
Hey, Mom.
320
00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:39,626
You remember Lisa, right?
321
00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:40,961
We used to live together.
322
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,430
Oh, no, I don't.
I'm sorry.
323
00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,631
Hello, dear.
324
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:48,001
My son has had so
many little roommates.
325
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,071
I just hope you've
got better taste
326
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:55,242
than the one who picked
out his hideous furniture.
327
00:12:57,544 --> 00:13:00,013
Hey, who's got unresolved
issues with her now?
328
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:05,018
Did it ever occur to you that
you might want to support me,
329
00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,253
your daughter?
330
00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:09,256
Well, why can't
we support Alan, too?
331
00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,158
Because I'm divorcing him.
332
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,726
Well, who told you
to go and do that?
333
00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,564
It's very sweet of you
to go to all this trouble,
334
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,832
but who are you kidding?
335
00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:21,501
The plaid shirt,
the sweater vest,
336
00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:22,702
the kid actor?
337
00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:25,305
No, no, no, that's
really my nephew.
338
00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:26,539
I love you, Charlie,
339
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:29,076
but you're not going
to change my mind.
340
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,144
Live with me.
341
00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,245
Charlie...
342
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,881
No, I'm serious.
Move back in.
343
00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,382
Really?
And then what?
344
00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:38,118
And then... we'll see.
345
00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:40,988
Wow. A commitment to see.
346
00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:45,525
And what finger does that
ring go on, Charlie?
347
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:46,593
You know what I mean.
348
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,095
I know exactly what you mean.
349
00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,964
You want me to waste
a couple more years of my life
350
00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,633
on a relationship that's
absolutely doomed to fail.
351
00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,468
Not your life--
352
00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:58,171
our life.
353
00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,573
Uh, look, I-I appreciate
your-your feelings for me,
354
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,242
but I have to tell you,
355
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:05,378
I really think y-your daughter
deserves a lot of respect.
356
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:06,914
I mean, it takes real courage
357
00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,148
to make changes in your life
358
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,050
and not worry
about what everybody thinks.
359
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:10,683
Thank you, Alan.
360
00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:12,052
That's true.
361
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:14,421
The lesbians of my generation
were too scared
362
00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,923
to come out of the closet.
363
00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,731
Does that mean what
I think it means?
364
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,099
You haven't told them?
365
00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,368
No. I thought it would
be more appropriate
366
00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,971
coming from your mother!
367
00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:33,473
Oh, I'm sorry.
368
00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,176
Did I faux pas?
369
00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,845
( all arguing )
370
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:50,190
Happy Thanksgiving.
371
00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:53,460
Sorry I'm late, but I didn't
realize you were having a party.
372
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:56,196
Hi, I'm Rose.
Hi.
373
00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,531
Don't worry,
Charlie and I had sex once,
374
00:14:58,598 --> 00:14:59,866
but now we're just friends.
375
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,303
Who's ready
for mystery pie?
376
00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,273
If you were living here,
377
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,976
these kinds of things
probably wouldn't happen.
378
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,619
Here it is.
379
00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,026
Ooh, Berta, nice-looking bird.
380
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,995
Thanks for blowing off
your family
381
00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,529
and cooking for ours.
382
00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,599
Shove over.
383
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,169
Are we going to go
around the table
384
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,438
and say what we're thankful for?
385
00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:40,807
Ooh, ooh, me.
386
00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:41,774
I got one.
387
00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,043
( clears throat )
388
00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,412
I'm thankful for the food
we eat
389
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,380
and thankful
for the friends we meet.
390
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,317
I'm thankful for my comfy seat.
391
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,552
I'm thankful for...
392
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,654
the birdie's feet.
393
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,425
* White with foam
394
00:15:58,491 --> 00:15:59,959
* God bless
America...*
395
00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:01,161
Pull up, Rose.
396
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,262
Sorry.
397
00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,365
Jake, why-why don't you go?
398
00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:09,136
Okay. I'm thankful for my mom
and dad and my Uncle Charlie
399
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,804
who has shown
in the few short months
400
00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:15,108
that I've been here
that he is capable of sig...
401
00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,810
Significant.
402
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:21,281
Significant change
and growth.
403
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:24,584
Too obvious?
404
00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,286
Little bit.
405
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:30,990
Okay, uh, well, I'm thankful
that I can spend the holiday
406
00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:35,195
with, uh, all the people I love
and all the people who love me.
407
00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,165
And Judith.
408
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,002
I'm thankful
I'll be dead someday,
409
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:46,239
and you'll all feel horrible
you weren't nicer to me.
410
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,244
And I'm thankful
that our daughter
411
00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:54,181
gave us at least
one grandchild before she...
412
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,418
( sobbing )
413
00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,720
I'm thankful
I finally found a therapist
414
00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,089
who has no compunction
415
00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:03,756
about prescribing
powerful sedatives.
416
00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,192
Well, I'm thankful
417
00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,394
I can sit here and listen
to you rich people whine
418
00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:09,729
while my family's scrambling
for a corn dog
419
00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,264
at the Pomona Fairgrounds.
420
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,072
Charlie?
421
00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,941
No, you first.
422
00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:25,912
Um... well, I'm
thankful for you.
423
00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,981
And I hope you'll
always be my friend.
424
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:33,286
Okay. Well, I'm thankful
for you, too.
425
00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:37,224
And I'm thankful for everybody
coming together today
426
00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:41,228
as unwitting participants
in my desperate charade.
427
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,232
Amen.
428
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,337
Okay, maybe I should
carve the turkey.
429
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,638
I'll handle that for you, son.
430
00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,340
No, you both sit down.
I'll do it.
431
00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,607
No, Mom, I
can do it.
432
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,543
Oh, now,
don't be ridiculous.
No, Mom.
433
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,845
( all talking simultaneously )
434
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,648
Okay, everybody, stop!
435
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,351
Mom, give me the knife.
436
00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,818
Charlie, don't be silly.
437
00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,488
You don't know how
to carve a turkey.
438
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,690
Maybe not, but I'm
the head of this household,
439
00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:13,693
and the head of the household
is supposed to carve the turkey.
440
00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,962
Why, because you saw it
on some TV show?
441
00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,598
I swear, you are
just like your father.
442
00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,600
No, I am not just
like my father.
443
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,136
My father was afraid
of you, and I'm not!
444
00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,273
Anymore.
445
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:29,976
Okay, there was one
unresolved issue.
446
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,844
Charlie,
now you're being foolish.
447
00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,546
Give me the knife
and sit down.
448
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,047
Back off, lady!
449
00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:40,052
Every Thanksgiving
you took the knife
450
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,788
away from Dad,
and when you did that,
451
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,023
you took away his manhood.
452
00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:46,926
Well, you're not going
to take it away from me!
453
00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,628
There! See?!
454
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,197
It's carved.
455
00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:52,632
It's carved!
456
00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:56,403
It's carved... with my manhood!
457
00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,711
I don't think
I'm very hungry anymore.
458
00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,346
Lisa, marry me.
459
00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:07,514
Marry you?
460
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:09,616
You want me to marry you?
461
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:12,018
Yes! You know...
462
00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,553
eventually.
463
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:26,199
No, I'm fine.
464
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,201
So, are you going to
invite me to your wedding?
465
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,669
Charlie...
466
00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:32,539
Will you at least call me
when you get divorced?
467
00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,707
You'll be first on my list.
468
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:43,283
For what it's worth,
I do love you.
469
00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,951
I know that.
470
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,122
Best of luck.
471
00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,758
Thank you.
472
00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,561
You look good
in long pants.
473
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,232
Thanks.
474
00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,094
ALAN:
Charlie?
475
00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,467
W-W-We're still eating.
32869
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