Original subtitles

Just not the Christmas season

until Tina puts out her Black Santas.

You mean Santas, right?

Isn't that what I said?

Kind of.

Hey, hey, Malcolm, let me use your phone

before your mom gets back.

I need to use your app

to make reservations for our date-a-versary.

No, Pop.

I don't want you using my app.

Look, I got a perfect five-star rating, man,

and I know you, okay?

First off, you gonna be late,

and then you gonna send stuff back,

and then you gonna say, "Well, my table's under a vent."

- Fine. - Yup.

Marty, let me see your phone.

Oh, no, Daddy, you don't want mine.

I'm in the doghouse with that app.

A couple of months ago, Daphne threw up at Brunch & Beyond,

now I got a three-star rating and I can't get in anywhere.

Malcolm, come on. I'm not gonna ruin your rating.

They know me at Giovani's.

It's been our special place for 38 years.

- Come on, man. - Okay.

- All right. - Table for two, tomorrow night, 6:30.

- Okay. All right. - Do that for me.

Good. Hey, hey, but if they put me under a vent,

they gonna hear about that.

No, Pop! We just talked about that.

Hey.

Uh, uh, uh, uh.

Put Isaac down.

Isaac? You named this Black Santa?

It's just Santa.

Yeah, come on.

Yes, let's get these out and looking good.

Katrina's coming over tomorrow.

Katrina?

That's the lady from the salon you've been talking about.

Yeah. We get along so well,

we decided to take our friendship beyond the salon.

Huh, look at this.

Santa's surfing.

Why is that surprising?

It's not surprising. It's just...

Just, uh, just what, Dave?

I-I just didn't think that Black Santa...

- A what? - Yeah, take your time.

Uh, that a Santa of color...

I just wasn't aware that there were waves at the North Pole.

I'm gonna scoot.

Oh, the elf.

On the shelf.

So we're still doing that?

Well, how else will Santa know

if Grover has been naughty or nice?

He's 14. He doesn't care what that elf sees.

True. He doesn't care what I see either.

You know, just the other day...

Dave, do not ruin my Christmas.

Gemma, do not worry.

This Christmas is going to be epic.

Yeah, about that.

Let's not go crazy with the gifts this year.

Totally agree. Don't worry.

We're gonna keep things small, but next year,

when I have some great new job, I'm going bananas.

An elf on every shelf.

Oh, good.

- Knock, knock. - Oh, hey, Marty.

Oh, hey.

Um...

Dave.

I need your help

- with something delicate. - Oh.

I am a delicate man.

I am gonna buy something for Courtney.

An engagement ring.

- Ooh! Marty. Congratulations. - Thanks.

Yes, I will be your best man. And yes, I will

break the news to Malcolm.

No, no, man, a-actually, I-I just need your help

getting the ring while she's out of town.

Oh, well, of course.

Oh, thanks, man.

I was worried she was never gonna be ready,

but she's going to her third bachelorette party this year.

Her single friends are dropping like flies,

and she is weakening.

And I'm going to prey on that weakness.

Well, that is very romantic, Marty.

Yes. Oh, b-but

you-you can't tell Gemma

'cause it'll get back to my mom,

and this has to be a secret.

Oh, don't worry, this stays

between you, me and the elf.

Oh, you mean the white elf?

No, no, no, Marty, it's just an elf.

Exactly.

Hey, hold on, Mercedes.

One second. Sorry,

- I was just... - Excuse me. Who are you?

I'm Gwenny, Mercedes' producer.

- Uh, okay, hey. - Roland. Uh-uh.

Pillows are all wrong.

- What are you doing here? - Decorating the set.

The set? Hey, no, no. This is my house.

- Malcolm. - Hey. Okay.

Look...

Mercedes. Mercedes. Hey, hey, hey. What's going on?

I-I thought we were meeting about the book,

and these people seem to think we are filming it.

Oh, my God. I take it as a given. I'm sorry.

This is reality television.

We film everything, but that's okay with you right?

- Actually, I think... - You're a sweetheart.

We're doing something about this table, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Roland, kill the table.

Whoa, whoa. Do not kill my table, Roland.

Now, what... Oh... Oh, my God. Mercedes,

you-you... I'm sorry. You are making a reality show

and you're getting rid of my reality?

Yes, we need it to be more aspirational.

This whole place gives "starving writer."

I am a starving writer.

Mercedes, what is even going on? I don't know how to do this.

Look, don't worry. This is reality.

Just be yourself.

So, what, just-just sit here and-and be your writer?

Well, actually, we want the audience to think that

I'm writing the book, so you're my editor.

Ah, okay, yeah. That is not being myself.

- Wow. Okay, I like this one. - Mm-hmm.

Good God! If I get that ring,

Courtney and I are gonna have to live in it.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

I-I love it. It's just...

But my price range is a few zeroes lower.

Uh, why don't you show us some of the lab-grown diamonds?

Of course.

Now, the-the lab diamonds are... They're nice, right?

Absolutely.

Most people won't even know it's not the real thing.

- Oh, great. - But you will.

What it comes down to is this:

what does your heart tell you to do?

Does it want a stone that's as real as your love,

that's been in the earth for a million years,

waiting for you and your soulmate to find it?

Or something a guy made in Arkansas?

I want the real one.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

This is just over my credit limit.

Hey, uh, Marty, I have an idea.

Why don't you put the rest on my card?

Yeah, look, I... you can pay me back

and I can get the travel points.

- Are you sure? - Yeah, definitely.

Look, I can use them to give Gemma

a free weekend in Ojai for Christmas.

Gemma sounds like a lucky lady.

You are about five seconds away

from getting a scathing Yelp review.

Oh, my goodness, that salon is crazy.

Were you there when Zenay told us her top three?

Oh, my God, yes.

Blair Underwood, Morris Chestnut

and that skinny white boy who used to date Kim Kardashian.

- Pete Davidson. - Yes.

He's kind of hot in a weird way.

Y'all can have that.

Huh. Our credit card just sent me

a large transaction alert.

Oh, from where?

Oh, God, it's from a jewelry store.

Oh, Dave, we talked about this.

No extravagant gifts.

Hey, everybody.

- Gemma, you okay? - No.

Your best friend just bought me expensive jewelry.

Ooh, I hope it's a tennis bracelet.

Oh, but it better not be!

Okay, that was interesting.

- Hi, babe. - Hi, honey. Mm.

Meet Katrina.

- Calvin? - Trina? - What?

Trina, Trina Bo-Bina.

- How you doing? - Okay... oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on. What the hell is going on here?

- Well, we actually know each other. - We used to date.

- Okay. - Oh.

Isn't that... that-that's funny.

- Right? Isn't that... - It's so funny.

That's hilarious.

Yeah, let me know the year and I'll let you know

- if it's hilarious or not. - Oh.

Oh, babe, it was long before you and I met.

Oh. Then it's hilarious.

Well, how long have you two been together?

Uh, uh, 38 years.

- Can you believe it? - Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah.

And in fact, tonight we are celebrating

our date-a-versary at this restaurant, Giovani's.

Giovani's? I haven't been there in years.

- Oh, you've been there? - Well, yeah.

Calvin and I discovered it.

Oh.

Girl, the chicken parm, you have got to try it.

It is so good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have.

Thirty-eight times.

I should probably be going.

Yeah. Yeah. That'd be good. Yeah.

- Bye, now. - Calvin, it was so great to see you.

You know what, babe?

I'm actually proud of you that that didn't get weird

between y'all, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's...

it's weird between me and you.

Oh, I mean, come on, Tina.

I mean, we both dated other people before...

Calvin, I don't give a damn about who you dated before me.

But for 38 years,

you've been letting me think that Giovani's was special.

That it was our place.

Well, I mean, a-a lot of people go there.

You know, it's, it's-it's...

it's Giovani's place,

you know, when you think about it.

I ain't thinking about it that way.

I mean, Trina... T-Tina.

- "Trina"? What? - Tina. Honey.

Hey.

- Look, it was our first date. - Uhp.

I wanted to take you to a place I knew was good.

You liked it, we went back over and over again

and it became our special place.

Now our place is ruined.

Maybe if you would have said, in all those years,

that our place was your place with someone else,

I would have picked a different place to be our place!

As a writer, it's scary to face the blank page.

But it's also freeing. No limits.

Yeah. Uh...

Okay, he's just looking right into the camera.

- Malcolm. - I-I'm sorry, I don't know how to do this.

I-I know, I know. He's green.

And shiny. Roland.

Well, maybe I'm shiny 'cause you put me in a turtleneck

under hot lights like I'm a rotisserie chicken.

Move, Roland.

Okay.

We need to get to the good stuff, okay?

So, just ask her where the inspiration came from

for chapter three.

- Got it? Let's roll. - Okay. Yeah.

Let's roll.

So...

So, let's get into, uh, chapter three.

Uh, Serafina's older sister Lexi.

Where did you get the inspiration for her?

I was in rehab,

after my first divorce.

Oh.

Oh, damn.

I was devastated.

I was broke. I had no one to turn to.

I had alienated everyone.

Everyone except my big sister.

She was my rock.

And she said, "Don't worry about the money.

I will do whatever it takes."

And I said,

"You can't afford equestrian therapy.

Not in Malibu."

But my sister... she wouldn't hear of it.

God, I love her.

Uh...

Wow. Mercedes, I had no idea.

Your sister sounds like an amazing woman.

All right, cut.

Aah! That was so great.

- Wasn't it? - Yes.

I'm sorry, are you okay?

I'm fine. Did he look into the camera?

- Almost constantly. - Ugh.

Question.

Oh, Lord.

What other traditions do we have that aren't really ours?

Tina, come on.

No, really, is Harlem Nights really our movie?

Is "You're All I Need" really our song?

Is Honey Bunches of Oats really our cereal?

I-I didn't know we had a cereal.

But you had one with her?

No, Tina.

Look, babe, I was gonna surprise you.

- Mm-hmm. - We're not going to Giovani's.

I made some calls, and I got us into Sandalwood.

That new restaurant in Beverly Hills?

You know, the-the chef has a Michelin star.

I know. Only the best for my baby.

- Oh. - And it just opened,

so you know that I have no history there

with anybody at all, ever.

Okay, well, baby, that sounds nice,

but we're not taking your truck.

God only knows what y'all did in there.

Oh, hey, honey.

Hello, David.

Uh, just curious.

If I asked the elf, would he tell me you've been naughty?

Ooh, not at all. Why don't you tell her?

He's been a jolly good lad, he has. Yeah.

Ugh, please don't do that.

Well, I know something you will like.

I know it's early, but I got you a little gift.

Dave, a gift?

I thought we agreed we weren't gonna do this.

You jerk.

Oh, it's in an envelope?

Well, why wouldn't it be?

No reason.

W-Well, look at this. A gift certificate.

Yeah, it's a spa weekend getaway in Ojai.

Just the two of us.

Where's the jewelry, Dave?

The jewelry? What are...

What are you-what are you talking about?

We agreed not to spend any money.

Yes, we did, but then I got an alert

that said you spent quite a bit of money

at a jewelry store.

Who's the jewelry for, Dave?

- Another woman? - It's not what you think,

I just can't tell you what it is,

but it is not what you think.

Dave, you better start telling me something,

or that elf is gonna jingle all the way up your...

Okay, fine, fine, I will... I will tell you.

But you have to swear not to say anything.

Okay? I... I just fronted the money to Marty

so he could buy a ring. For Courtney.

An engagement ring?

Yes.

Dave, why would you tell me that?

Ugh. You know I can't hold something like that in.

Oh, now I can't see or talk to Tina until he tells her.

Why couldn't you just have cheated on me?

Well, you know, I think we have us a new tradition.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Because Sandalwood was...

wow.

Yeah, yeah, and, uh,

we got a chance to try so many things.

Yeah, oh, yeah, the portions very pretty small.

Yeah, yeah, tiny, tiny. But the foam.

Oh. Oh, the foam. The foam.

I hated it.

Was it even food?

And all I could think about was how much

I missed celebrating our date-a-versary at Giovani's.

I know about that. Tina...

When I first went to Giovani's, it was just a place to eat.

It wasn't special until I took you there.

And it only became special

because we put 38 years of memories into it, together.

Baby, why didn't you say that four hours ago?

Look, I know it's kind of late,

but you want to get some takeout from Giovani's?

- Are you sure? - Ugh. I am so sure.

I am starving.

And I'm so hungry that I don't even care

what you and Katrina did in there.

It's a restaurant.

Okay. I think we got some stuff that was useable.

Luckily, we've got you in close-up, so we can cut around,

you know...

I know you're talking about me, Gwenny.

Oh, I'm being coy, honey, I just forgot your name.

- Okay. - Okay. It's fine.

It's fine.

You did great, Malcolm.

Uh, Mercedes, this isn't for me.

Okay? I am a writer.

But whatever today was... that was not writing.

I don't want to be on camera,

I don't want to have my table killed

and this turtleneck is itchy.

Okay. My bad.

I shouldn't have thrown you into the deep end.

In my world,

sometimes I forget

that there are genuine people out there like you.

I mean, one minute, you were crying,

the next minute, you're all business.

And you know, you really had me going

with that whole story about your sister.

But now, I don't even...

Do you even have a sister?

Yes, I have a sister,

and that story was real.

Well, real-adjacent.

- That's what I'm talking about. - Uh...

No, no. Um...

Everything I said really happened, except...

...my sister is the one who ended up in rehab.

I'm the one who took care of her.

So, you're the one who's amazing.

Mercedes, that's a much nicer story.

Exactly.

No one wants nice Mercedes stories. They're boring.

And plus, my sister didn't sign up for this.

She doesn't need me airing the details of her personal life.

Well, I...

You are not who I thought you were.

Is that a good thing?

Yes.

Okay, look.

If we are going to be working together,

I need you to give me some type of heads-up

when I'm seeing the real you.

Okay. Here's a clue.

When the cameras are around, that's Mercedes.

And when the cameras are gone?

I'm just Sadie.

That's what my friends call me.

Well...

It's nice to meet you, Sadie.

So, we're good?

Good-adjacent.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, look what we're standing under.

Yeah, because you dragged me under it.

It doesn't matter how we got here.

Got to respect tradition.

Let's try that again.

Oh...

I don't know which one of y'all that was, but, uh...

yeah, I liked it.

Girl, this is just a tree trimming.

You didn't have to bring anything.

I know, but I was raised right,

so I brought my famous sweet potato pie.

Ooh, I remember that.

That's cool. Thank you, thank you so much.

Oh. Ho, ho, ho, everyone.

- Hey. - Hey.

Merry Christmas, Marty.

Oh, same to you, Gemma.

I hope all your dreams come true in the New Year.

David. You told her?

She's my wife, Marty. Trust me, you'll understand soon.

- Hey, merry Christmas, everybody. - Hey.

Hey, hey, hey. Oh, this must be

the famous Katrina from the salon.

And you must be Malcolm, the famous writer.

- Yes. - Yes. How was your meeting with Mercedes?

Did she slap anybody? Did she slap you?

Please say yes.

No, uh, Gemma, it was...

very uneventful.

- Oh, come on! - You're such a liar.

- Give us the deets. - I don't buy that for a second.

Hey, hey. Y'all leave the boy alone.

M-Malcolm.

Get you some of this chicken parm.

It's better the next day.

Thank you, Pop.

Yeah. Giovani's.

Did y'all have a good date-a-versary?

- Uh, eventually. - Mm.

You know, we went to a place with a Michelin star first,

and it was terrible.

But then we ordered takeout

- from our very special place. - Yes.

- Mm. - No, no. Please p-pause. Stop.

A-Are you saying y'all missed your reservation at Giovani's?

T-The one I made you?

- Yeah, I guess we did. - Yeah.

But it all worked out.

- You know? - Mm...

No. No, no, no. Pop, it did not work out.

You have to cancel the reservation or...

You see? There it is.

Now I've been downgraded to three stars.

Ah, yes.

Welcome to the three-star club, Malcolm.

Hope you like eating next to the bathroom.

Well, all I know... it's been the best date-a-versary

since the one we made Marty.

Aw.

- That's just disturbing. - Really could've kept that one

to yourself.

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