Original subtitles

Who wants fresh-baked banana bread?

Oh, oh. Me, me, me, me.

- Smells great, Dave. - Oh, yeah,

it's Steve's secret recipe.

Oh. Who's Steve?

Oh, he's my mom's special friend.

He would make it for me whenever he and my mom

went upstairs to do their taxes.

How often would they do their taxes?

I don't know, a couple times a week.

Does he know that...

Do you really want to pull that thread?

Calvin, as soon as I got my oven fixed,

this was the first thing I made.

Oh. Well, what was wrong with it?

No idea. Man came over, went straight to the breaker box,

worked his magic, and now we're eating banana bread.

It wasn't magic, Dave.

Did you really just pay somebody

to flip your circuit breaker?

No.

It was free, with the protection plan that I bought.

Oh, so it wasn't free.

It's actually $250 a year.

That's very not free.

Well, it was free today.

And it gives me peace of mind.

Look, I always check the box for the extended warranty.

See?

That's how they get you.

I don't check any of those boxes.

As soon as that cashier turns that screen towards me,

I turn it right back on her.

And I tell her,

"I ain't the one."

Speaking of "one," that's your last one.

Well, look, if you don't check the box,

you just end up paying a man.

Dave, you are the man.

Right, but a real man knows how to delegate.

Right, Gemma?

Absolutely.

Although I got to say, growing up in Hickory Corners,

my grandpa fixed

- everything himself. - Yep.

He put a new roof on the barn when he was 82.

Gemma, he fell to his death.

With a hammer in his hand.

That's how a real man goes out.

Malcolm, I can't read the draft of your book

- with you staring at me. - Okay, my bad.

I can feel your eyes.

Okay, here's Daphne,

fresh out of the bath.

Thank you, Mrs. B.

Oh, she is slippery.

She's slippery, Marty.

Oh. Uh, Mom, remember, we said we only want to use

water-based products on Daphne,

so no Vaseline.

Oh, everybody knows

babies should be greasy.

Ah, yes, that common phrase.

Uh, what happened to the outfit that I laid out for her?

Oh, you wanted her in that thing?

It was a gift from my grandma.

Oh. Oh, let me check the rag box.

I'm gonna go try to degrease her.

Whoa, she is like an eel.

Ah, that's crazy, huh?

Can you get back to my book, please?

I'm sorry, Marty, I'm just anxious to know

if I'm capturing the romance novel vibe.

Okay, okay, okay.

"Derek grasped her heaving bosom."

What's wrong?

Well, "bosom." And "heaving."

And I don't love "grasped."

It's a romance novel, Marty. It's supposed to be seductive.

Yeah, well, I'm not feeling seduced.

I'm not trying to seduce you.

Then why'd you ask me to read it?

Because I wanted your opinion.

This could have been an email.

Oh, man.

These books are just not in my wheelhouse, you know?

I wish I knew somebody who read them

who could be my, uh, my smut consultant.

Well, we could get Mama back up in here.

- Mama! - No, no, no, Mama. No.

Anyone else.

Gemma.

You think so?

She does love those books.

Remember when she was reading Pride and Prejudice,

and then the fake cover slipped off

and it was Fifty Shades of Grey?

Yeah. Yeah, she was all, like,

"How did that get in here?"

Yeah, and then she ran away screaming, "Don't judge me!"

In case you're wondering who's gonna hook this baby up, uh,

you're looking at him. A real man.

Congratulations.

You know, I spent all night

watching how-to videos on YouTube,

and, uh, I got this.

Whoa, whoa. Uh, exc...

Bathroom is in the house, my friend.

Yeah, I imagine so.

Uh, excuse me. Uh, so,

are you not gonna bring it in?

Oh.

Nah.

You just signed up for standard delivery.

That means that I leave this on the premises,

and your lawn is the premises.

If you wanted it brought into the house,

you should have checked the box

for white-glove service.

But, uh...

My friend says those boxes are, uh...

how they get you.

Well, you didn't get got.

Have a nice day.

Well, hold on. D-Don't go.

Ca... Can I check the box now?

Nah, you have to do it at the time of the purchase.

Have a nice day.

I am not going to have a nice day.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, hey.

Oh, she's still a little greasy.

I know.

There she is. There's my little

everything. Yeah. Oh.

Hi. You want to know what Gamma got you?

Is that a dress? Oh, yes, it is.

Oh, wow. So I see.

So many colors.

Right?

You know what would make that outfit pop?

Earrings. When are you getting her ears pierced?

Not sure yet, but not right now.

Aw, she would look so cute.

Yeah. She would.

So?

You know what it is?

I just... I get a little squeamish

when it comes to piercings.

But thanks

so much for the dress. Love.

Well, I'm

glad you like it. I bought her

a sweater with the exact same pattern.

Can't wait to see it.

Okay, now.

I hate lying to your mom.

Yeah, I know, that dress looks like

someone threw up a box of crayons.

And the whole piercing thing.

I really feel like we need to wait until Daphne is old enough

to make that choice for herself.

Totally agree.

But it would be so hard to tell your mom that.

Totally agree.

So, how do you do it?

Do what?

Disagree with her.

Oh. No, I don't. I don't.

I learned that years ago.

Come on.

No, it's true. Really.

I used to think my favorite color was blue,

but then my mom told me it was green,

and it turns out she was right.

"Mayday, Mayday, this is not a drill"?

What do you need, Dave?

Just a quick favor. I need you to help me

pop that bad boy into the house.

That bad boy is a bathtub.

Why didn't you have

the delivery guys do it?

Well, I didn't choose the white-glove service

because the little Calvin on my shoulder

told me not to check any boxes.

Well, regular-size Calvin says you're an idiot.

You don't check the box for loyalty service,

you don't check the box for travel protection,

but you always check the box for white-glove service.

Especially for stuff

as big as a bathtub.

Including a bathtub.

Everybody knows that.

Well, I didn't know that. Look,

Calvin, please, I can't have Gemma

come home and see that I couldn't do this.

How am I supposed to feel like the man of the house

if I can't even be a man?

You knew that was gonna get me, didn't you?

You knew it.

Come on, Dave. I mean, a bathtub?

Well, maybe you're right.

Guess I'm not gonna die like Gemma's grandpa.

Probably die like my grandpa,

at a puppet show.

I got so many questions.

- Uh... - I...

All right. Come on, I'll help you.

Okay. Calvin, thank you.

And I'll tell you what.

Once this bad boy is in,

you get the honor of taking the very first bath.

Dave, this will be the last time

that I ever touch your bathtub.

Come on.

Calvin, these buddy straps were a great investment.

Instead of spending $95 on white-glove service,

I spent 60 on these straps,

and I get to keep them forever. Calvin,

imagine the things we can lift.

Yeah, let's just

get this up the stairs, Dave.

Okay, now, Calvin, remember, lift with your legs.

I've lifted things before.

Here we go. One, two, three,

- lift. - Yep.

- Yep. Okay. All right. - Okay. All right.

I think we got it. Here we go.

Right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot.

We're doing it. Right foot, left foot.

Right foot, left foot.

Yeah, I know how to walk, Dave.

"Heaving bosom?"

I am taking that part out.

- I would. - I am.

- Because that's a really old... - I'm taking it out, Gemma!

Okay? It's gone.

Look, here's the thing, Malcolm.

You're a terrific writer.

But the intimate moments?

They're lacking a certain...

Well, can you help me out? I don't know,

give me an example of-of...

- Yes. - Oh.

Okay, and you highlighted passages for me.

Yeah. For you.

Okay, look at this one.

"His hand traced her softness,

"claiming her body with every breath.

"She trembled like a fawn

in the path of his undeniable ardor."

Okay. So-so-so, you're saying that's...

Oh, yeah.

Okay, here. Here's another good example.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, Gemma,

this is a biography of Steve Jobs.

No, it's not.

Calvin, slow down. You're pushing.

I'm not pushing. You're pulling.

Well, I can't see. You're my eyes, Calvin.

- I don't know where I'm going. - I've got the heavy end, Dave.

Lift up. You watch it...

- You're pushing me into the door. - I am not.

I'm gonna die! Okay, down, down, down!

What, what, what, what?

Okay. That wasn't so hard.

It's not gonna fit.

Calvin, yes, it will.

No, it's too wide. It's not gonna fit.

We won't know unless we try.

Well, my eyes know.

Let's just try, and then we'll know for sure.

Okay? One, two, three,

lift. All right.

Okay.

And now we know.

Hey.

Oh, hey!

There's my Daphne.

Thank you, Mama.

Doesn't she look pretty?

Well, yeah, she always looks pretty.

Mm-hmm.

Doesn't she look

extra pretty?

God, no!

You got her ears pierced?

Yeah. Don't worry, I did a video.

She was crying. It was so cute.

Mom, Courtney's gonna flip out.

Wait, why? She just told me that she was too squeamish

to take Daphne herself. This is what good grandmas do.

That is what she said.

The truth is, she wanted to wait until Daphne was old enough

to make the decision for herself.

What? Wait, wait, wait. I don't understand.

Like, why wouldn't she just be honest with me?

I can take it.

I'm the most easygoing person in the world.

Oh, my God.

Look, I know you think that,

but sometimes you can be a little...

A little what, Marty?

Go ahead, spit it out. You think I'm pushy?

That's... that's what Malcolm says.

Okay, good.

You've got Serafina and Derek in the boathouse.

- It's go time. - Yeah.

All right.

How do they go?

They just go. She throws him on the bed.

Yeah, but there's no bed in the boathouse.

Then she throws him in a boat.

Gemma, you've been telling me to slow things down.

Yes, Malcolm, but now you've got them ready.

Derek has been watching Serafina

put on her suntan lotion on the veranda.

She admired his muscles when he hauled in his crab traps.

And she has needs.

Reginald hasn't touched her in weeks.

I mean, this-this is

a-a pressure cooker that's about to explode.

Yeah. Okay. Uh...

"Serafina clawed hungrily

"at Derek's belt.

"She pushed him down

"in the dirty dinghy.

She can't get his pants off fast enough."

Yes. That is so nasty.

What? Keep going.

- Go, go, go, go, go. - Okay, okay.

Check us out.

Well-oiled machine.

Yep.

Yep, yep, we got this.

All right, now. Okay.

Thank goodness we have the double doors back here.

- All right. - Yeah.

All we got to do is just

get it over to the bathroom, and we're done.

You mean "up."

What do you mean, "up?"

Well, it's going in our bathroom.

Upstairs.

W-What about the bathroom down here?

Well, that's a half bath.

Yeah, we put the tub in there, then it's a full bath.

Nah, come on, Calvin.

Let's strap back up. Let's take it up.

Da-David, I'm not going upstairs.

Your porch is only four steps and it almost killed us.

You know what, maybe you're right.

You know, Gemma's just gonna have to accept

that she's not married to The Rock.

I'm just a pebble.

Dave "The Pebble" Johnson.

Dave, you are not a pebble.

Look, Calvin,

it's not just about the bathtub.

Look, look, I know, man.

You lost your job, but

that doesn't make you less of a man.

Calvin, this is not easy to say, but...

Gemma and I, in the bedroom...

Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Pump your brakes.

It's not what you think.

Look...

...we haven't been having sex.

That's exactly what I thought.

And now I know.

Well, it's great, at least,

that I have someone I can share everything with.

No, not everything.

Look, David,

you're my friend, and so...

...let's just take care of this tub situation,

and the other thing, it'll, uh,

be up and running in no time.

I'll go find us some help.

Thanks, man.

Don't you cry. Don't you do it.

There she is.

Mommy's home.

Hello.

Hello, Courtney.

Ooh, Marty, you have to listen to this

amazing nine-part podcast about the helium shortage.

- I swear, it's... - Daphne has

her ears pierced.

What?

Oh, my God.

Did your mother do this?

Look, I will not sell out my own mother,

but, yes. Yes, she did.

I don't believe this.

That woman has no right...

Hey.

Mrs. B.

It is so nice to see you.

Oh, cut the crap.

You know damn well

it's not nice to see me.

Excuse me?

Oh, come on. After what I did?

You need to stop being so polite

and start being real with me.

Hold on. You're mad at me?

You're the one who pierced my baby's ears.

That's because you were too respectful

to tell me not to.

And stuff like this is gonna

keep happening unless you start telling me

how you really feel. Because, honey,

I'm in my fifties and I ain't changing.

Okay.

You did overstep.

Look, I get that you're the grandmother,

- but I am the mother. - Mm.

Uh-uh. Still too nice.

If you want to respect me,

stop being so damn respectful.

Okay. Okay.

Truth is, sometimes it's like the concept of boundaries

is completely alien to you.

That was good.

Okay, better. Keep going.

Well, sometimes you barrel over me

like your opinion is the only opinion.

Okay, okay.

Now swing harder. Say it with your chest.

Stay in your lane, woman.

Miss Tina.

Ma'am.

Respectfully.

Okay. See?

Now, had you been blunt like that with me yesterday,

my grandbaby would not have holes in her ears.

Okay. Fair.

All right, so now that we're being honest,

do you like the dress that I gave Daphne?

Oh.

Wait, uh, what dress...

Seize the moment, Courtney.

I hate it.

It looks like a rainbow stepped on a land mine.

I already shrunk it in the dryer on purpose.

Mm-hmm.

I kept the receipt. I mean, I could have returned it.

But you know what?

Thank you for your honesty.

Mommy,

my favorite color is blue.

Boy, shut up. It's green. Look at your sweater.

Oh. Hey, everybody.

I need your help to move Dave's bathtub.

- What? - What? Why?

His bathtub got stuck on the ground in the front yard,

but then come to find out...

Oh.

Oh, no.

Poor Gemma.

I mean, that is my worst nightmare.

Me too.

Good thing that ain't us.

You know what I'm saying?

Excuse me.

Do you really think you're being subtle?

All right, everybody, bathtub is in.

Now we'll just go take a quick water break

and then pop back up and hook up the plumbing.

Oh, well, you know, I think I left something on the stove.

Yeah, and I just need to change Daphne.

Well, I-I got to go help Courtney.

They're not coming back, are they?

Nope.

Well, you're with me, right?

David, I have been doing

manual labor man work all day.

I'm going home and I'm taking me a bubble bath.

Well?

Malcolm, this is...

- Wait, wait. Really? - Really.

Okay, so-so I didn't go too far

with-with the, uh, the beads of sweat and...

And the wet, flimsy shirt clinging to his chest?

No.

Oh, yes.

Yeah. Okay, so,

the next time Serafina and Derek get together,

it's after the gala, so do you think...

- I got to Dave. - You got to what?

I got to go.

You got... Hey, uh...

- Gemma, you forgot your purse. - Keep it!

Dave. Dave!

Oh, hey, baby. Sorry I'm such a mess.

That's a mess I can get into.

What? Gemma?

- Yeah? - You okay?

Yeah.

Just... look at you.

I mean, you're-you're all sweaty.

- What happened? - Oh, yeah, well,

you know, sometimes, when a man installs a whole damn bathtub,

you get a little sweaty.

Come on.

Well, where we going?

I'm taking you to the boathouse.

The-the boathouse?

The bathtub! The bathtub. The bathtub.

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