Original subtitles

(upbeat music playing)

Hey, guys, listen up.

Do you think I should grow a mustache?

Before you answer,

mustache,

no mustache.

So, you look in the mirror

and that's the only thing you worry about?

You're just mad because I can get rid of my mustache

by going like this.

Hey.

Listen, did I get any messages?

I've been delivering the mail for 22 years.

If you had any, don't you think I'd have delivered them?

I'm sorry, Uncle Clarence.

I've been expecting a really important call.

You got a message a couple of days ago.

Oh, was it, uh, my friend Blake from Malibu?

Yeah, Blake.

Uh, it was about your birthday plans for Friday.

(laughs) For real?

Uh, did he say where we're going?

Every year, he surprises me for my birthday.

One year, he took me wind surfing in Hawaii.

Another time, he took me hot air balloon in the Napa.

-(laughs) -You sure you're Black?

Well, I'm sure he's Black.

I'm just not sure he's a man.

Wait, maybe this will help.

-No, still not sure. -(laughs)

You all can laugh all you want but Blake is my boy.

He always comes through for me.

Tell me what he said, Uncle C.

Well, uh, you know what, don't tell me.

No, I don't wanna know because it ruins a surprise.

I can wait two days.

(laughs) No, I cant.

-Tell me. I need to know. -Are you sure?

Because this is a surprise.

You're right. Don't tell me.

I don't even wanna know. No, no, I'm playing.

Tell me, where we're going?

Nowhere. He cancels.

Surprise.

(laughter)

But did he say why he canceled?

-You tell him. -Wait, don't tell him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, tell him.

Tell me. And he better have a good reason for it.

-He's in rehab. -What?

He can't wait another two days?

It's all about him, isn't it?

I can't believe this.

My birthday is in two days

and now I don't have any plans.

Maybe we can do something special.

Thanks, but no thanks.

I'm into doing super big things, obviously.

No, this is big.

I was thinking we would throw a huge parade in your honor.

We march you down Independence Square

so you could ring the Liberty Bell.

(laughter)

We can run a time machine

and you can go sailing with Christopher Columbus.

You know what, maybe you all should be in rehab

because you're mean-o-holics.

(laughter)

What's wrong with Kevin?

We're making fun of him 'cause he don't have any plans

-for his birthday on Friday. -(laughter)

And what's funny about that?

I don't know, it was funny before you got here.

I can't believe you would do that to him.

I'm ashamed of this family.

You know, so am I.

What's the matter with you people?

I completely forgot about Kevin's birthday

and it's his first one away from home.

I tell you what, let's throw him a party.

Give him the traditional Cleveland family birthday.

Oh, I love my birthday parties.

The traditional birthday hat,

cake, I get to blow out all the candles.

I get presents. I can't wait.

Warren, this party is for Kevin.

Will there still be cake?

-Of course. -Then I'm in.

Yeah. Me too.

I have plans but I'll cancel. And I hope you cook dinner.

Oh, you see, that's how you treat family.

Nothing is more important.

Okay, now, Kevin's birthday is on Friday

so let's do it Friday night.

The hell we will.

My boys are coming over to play poker Friday night.

You're gonna have to cancel it.

No, Scarlet is bringing his cousin

Gold Teeth Eddie- when he smiles,

you can see all his cards.

The parties are always on our birthdays

and Kevin's will be no different.

But...

Oh, this is gonna so much fun.

Hey, hey, I have a great idea. Let's make it a surprise party,

so nobody mention anything to Kevin.

Good idea.

Now, he has to be here on Friday,

so I'll tell him he has to babysit C.J.

Not you, let me do it. You are bad at keeping secrets.

Please, I'm a highly trained security specialist

entrusted with the Shop-A-Lott alarm code.

-What is it? -Beyonce.

Damn it.

? Ooh ?

? Ahh ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Yeah ?

Kev, what you doing?

I'm just trying to make some plans for my birthday.

In this column here, these are all amazing things

that I can do at the last minute.

And this, these are all the people

who are available to do it. (chuckles)

But the page is blank.

I know. I got nothing.

Look at me, man, I'm all depressed.

Well, you should be depressed.

Your father got put on jail and you lost all your money.

I'm surprised you haven't offed yourself yet.

Uh, I was talking about having no plans,

but, uh, thanks for the pep talk, Warren.

This is exactly what I was looking forward to my birthday,

something to take my mind off the rest of my life.

Well, just as well, can't make plans anyway.

-Why not? -Because you got to babysit C.J.

On my birthday?

Oh, no, forget that.

Can you do it for me?

Um, I would but I have to go to a friend's party.

Which friend?

Um, Kevin.

You got a friend named Kevin?

Yes, yes, I do.

-What's his last name? -Not you!

Kevin Not-You, he's Japanese.

What's going on here, Warren?

You guys planning a surprise party for me, man?

-Are you, Warren? -Oh, yes.

Enough with the evil mind tricks. (screams)

(laughs) I thought we had a surprise party before.

How many people are gonna be at the big party for K's B-day?

-Counting the six of us? -Uh-huh.

Six.

That's not a party.

That's just a typical dinner at home.

Wrong, you're forgetting about the surprise.

There is no surprise anymore, Warren.

Oh, yeah. Then you're right.

Don't get me wrong. You know, I love you guys,

but we eat dinner together every night.

Sometimes, we eat twice a night.

You know what, I just wanna do something amazing,

something I'll never forget.

Are you kidding? This is amazing.

Plus, there's a bunch of surprises

you don't know about yet.

-Like what? -Like, mom's cooking steaks.

There's a puppet show.

There's a birthday hat.

You just ruined all the surprises.

Damn it.

I suck at this.

(upbeat music playing)

Ooh.

You all have done a terrific job.

The house looks beautiful.

Thank you, momma.

I'm gonna call Kevin up in a sec.

-Is everybody ready? -All ready.

I'm really pretty excited about this.

We haven't had a surprise party

since Warren graduated from school.

Oh, (laughs) boy, was he surprised?

Yeah. (laughs)

I was more surprised that he graduated.

Okay.

T-minus 30 seconds before we get the signal from upstairs.

You know, what has happened to my life?

Do you know where I was last year at this time?

I was in a hot tub in Hawaii

with two gorgeous hula dancers.

Ooh. Were they wearing those sexy coconut bras?

Actually, they were naked.

That's disappointing.

TINA: Warren, Kevin. Can you all come and help us?

The lights upstairs went out.

Not now, I'm talking to Kevin.

I think that was the signal.

Oh. Be right up, right up.

Hey, look, our family went through a lot of trouble.

They canceled plans,

so do not disappoint them, all right?

Fine. I'll just pretend to be happy.

Let me see you act surprised.

A surprise party for me?

Oh, my God. Oh, yay!

Yeah.

That was terrible, man.

The key is to be surprised but believable.

Watch and learn.

(screaming)

Warren, that look just single-handedly

set Black people back 200 years. (chuckles)

Come on, man.

Boy, it sure is dark up here.

ALL: Surprise!

-(screaming) -(camera clicks)

Mom, but you mean the lights were. ..oh, you guys are good.

Did you see the look on Kevin's face?

Yeah. It was, kind of, like the look I had on my face

when you told me that he was moving in with us.

Oh. I can't believe you guys went through

all this trouble just for me.

You don't know the half of it.

Wait till you see all the surprises we have for you.

C.J., give Kevin the family birthday hat.

It's made of all the ribbons and bows

of all of the birthday presents we've ever given.

Go on, put it on.

Uh, (chuckles) you're kidding, right?

Even the Indian from the Village People

would think this was too gay.

You heard the woman, put it on. (laughs)

Okay. Uh, oh.

(cheers and applause)

Oh, I feel so pretty.

(laughter)

It's the best birthday ever.

I mean, I'm so happy, I can't stop smiling.

I want to but I can't.

Look. (laughs) I can't get it.

Come on y'all, let's go get the rest of Kevin's surprises.

Oh, more surprises?

You guys gonna kill me. (laughs)

(doorbell dings)

Really, you all the best, man.

(chuckles) And I'm not just saying that.

You can't fake the way that I feel.

Blake, oh, my God.

Happy birthday, man. Nice hat.

What are you doing here? Thought you was in rehab?

Rehab? Rehab is for quitters.

-(laughs) -Man, that was just a decoy

so I could surprise you. Come on, I got a limo waiting.

-A limo? -BLAKE: Yeah.

-What? Where we're going? -To a helicopter,

which we're gonna take to New York

for the opening of Tiger Woods'

new Asian soul food restaurant.

It's called the Black Thai.

It's gonna be wall to wall celebrities.

Oh. You're my boy, Blake.

(laughs) You're my best friend.

Would I blow you off on your birthday?

-No. -No, I wouldn't. Let's bounce, okay?

Oh, oh, wait.

Uh, I got a problem, man.

My family's throwing me a party.

I can't just up and leave, Blake.

But, dude, I got your Tiffanys gift-

two girls named Tiffany.

I'm gonna get my coat. Give me a minute.

Listen, you guys, I appreciate everything you've done for me-

It was our pleasure,

all the work, all the expense,

it was worth it for the joy

of celebrating your birthday with you.

And it was fun but I...

You know, birthdays have always been very emotional for me.

When I was ten years old,

I helped plan a party for my father.

I prepared for days just like we did for your party.

-(chuckles) -And then, right when it was supposed to start,

my father got called away. He just up and left the party.

Well, I'm sure he had a good reason.

I cried for days

and it was at that moment

that I swore when I had a family

that nothing would split us up on our birthdays.

Not work. Not friends. Nothing.

So happy birthday, baby.

And don't you worry, because we'll never let you

spend your birthday without us.

Oh, Kevin, I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm telling you this story.

I'm making you all sad on your birthday.

You have no idea.

(upbeat music playing)

Bad news.

I'm gonna need like five minutes.

Who was at the door? Was it Scarlet?

Uh, no.

Unfortunately, it was the neighbor

complaining about the party.

Who, Mr. Caropolis?

Yeah. And he was pretty steamed too.

Yeah, we need to wrap this bad boy up.

But we haven't made any noise.

I think the hat was too loud for him.

All right. Let's start the festivities then.

No, really. It's too much.

I mean, the generosity has to end sometime.

You know what? I say it ends right now.

Oh, no, baby.

The party is just getting started.

Mm-hmm.

Because Kevin Hart, this is your life.

Do you recognize this voice

from your first night in the basement?

WARREN: Just so you know, I sleep in the noon.

Recognize it? I say I have nightmares about it.

That's Warren.

You bet it is.

Warren, come on out here.

Uh, yeah. Warren, hurry.

Happy birthday, buddy.

Okay, time for cake.

Come on, open it.

(sighs)

I think you're gonna like it.

They're pajamas.

(laughs) Wow.

I don't think these are going to fit, man.

They're not for you, they're for me. That's the present.

That's the present for all of us.

Well, thank you.

This is the happiest moment of my life.

You know, I don't think there's any way that we can top this.

So why try? Goodnight.

Kevin, why are you acting so weird?

Okay. Uh...

I have a confession to make.

Um, this party,

which I really appreciate,

it just reminds me how depressing my birthdays...

...how depressing my birthdays were growing up,

because I had no real family.

But I thought your birthdays were always amazing?

All those fancy events was just a mask.

It was to... it was to hide the tears

of a sad, lonely clown.

I need... I need to go and be alone

with my thoughts right now because I'm breaking down.

I don't wanna... (cries)

(upbeat music playing)

Listen, Blake, I'm having a real problem.

The problem is you're keeping our guests waiting.

Oh, wow.

(laughs) Hello. How you all doing?

These are the two actresses I met on the plane.

Tiffany with a Y and Tiffani with an I.

I'm Kevin.

Also with an I... (laughs) that's fate right there.

I've been telling them about the, uh,

the movie I've been producing.

-What movie are you producing? -The one you're writing.

Oh, the movie. The way you say movie.

So what's the problem?

Oh, uh, my problem,

I'm trapped in there, man.

Yeah. I just don't think I'm gonna be able to do this.

TIFFANI: What's the matter? Writer's block?

Yes, he's having problems with the ending.

Because our hero is being a wuss.

Here's an idea.

Hey, how about our hero bravely tells his family

he wants to be with his buddy

and two beautiful leading ladies,

one of whose special talents include contortionist.

Hey, I'm a contortionist.

I could play the part.

You know what?

You're right. Yeah, I can make this happen.

In fact, I'm gonna go take care of it right now.

And just so you know,

I'm a classically trained actress,

but I'm willing to do tasteful nudity

if the part requires it.

Well, to be honest with you, it does.

(upbeat music playing)

I gotta admit, I was skeptical, but this pajama thing

could catch on.

How do I look?

Like Huge Hefner.

So, uh, you... uh, you feeling better?

Uh, yeah.

Listen, um, I want to talk to you guys about something.

What's wrong?

Even though this is the first birthday that

it definitely won't be the last, so...

This isn't the first birthday you've spent with us.

-What do you mean? -Sit down.

I really need...

And now, for the biggest birthday surprise, my gift.

Roll the tape, Warren.

Dun, dun, dun, dun.

Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

CLARENCE: Just turn on the tape, Warren.

KEVIN: What is this?

TINA: It's your fourth birthday.

You were visiting and we had a party for you.

Oh, my God. Where'd you get this?

One of our old home movies.

I just had to transfer to videotape for your birthday.

KEVIN: Wow.

EARTHA: Look at how cute you were.

I bet you could still wear those clothes.

(laughter)

KEVIN: Oh.

Uncle Clarence, is that you?

CLARENCE: That was doing my Rick James Super Freak period.

Damn, I look freaky.

KEVIN: Oh, is that Eartha?

TINA: Yup, that's Eartha.

Uh, Uncle Clarence, who's that? Is that your brother?

WARREN: That's me.

I used to be big for my age.

Oh, my God, is that my...

TINA: Your mother. God rest her soul.

Look how beautiful she is.

(Warren laughs)

Oh.

(laughs)

Oh.

Um, you guys, this is, uh,

this is seriously the best gift I've ever got.

Thank you.

Hey, Kevin, hurry up.

There's a guy out there in a purple suit.

He wants to buy the Tiffanys.

-Who's that? -Oh, my gosh.

Look who it is!

This is my friend Blake, all the way from Malibu.

What are you doing here?

I'm waiting for you, mate.

I want to get to the party before the movie stars leave.

You haven't told them you're leaving, have you?

You're trying to ditch us to go to some celebrity party

after we canceled all our plans for you?

Okay, listen. Uh, I can explain.

-Blake surprised me... -CLARENCE: Obviously,

you're not familiar with the Cleveland family credo.

-Tell him, Warren. -Keep your hands out your pants.

No.

"There's nothing more important than family."

Except poker.

So are we going or what?

Uh...

You know what, Blake? Uh...

why don't you go without me, man?

I think I'm gonna stay here.

Oh, man. I came all the way from Malibu to hang, man.

We always spend our birthdays together.

Yeah, I know. But, uh... hey, look.

On the other hand, you could...

you could join us for dinner.

Yeah, I'm going to New York.

I'll catch you next birthday, bud.

Hey, are you sure about this?

Yeah. Thanks, man.

Bro, why don't you think about it for a minute?

I'll wait in the limo, huh.

Bye, guys.

All right, buddy.

I'm proud of you, Kevin.

Me too.

You stay, I go.

No, Warren. Let Kevin go.

What?

Look, Blake's only here for tonight,

but we're gonna be here for you forever.

So go, have fun. We'll continue this tomorrow.

But you said birthdays were about being with family?

Yeah. And I still feel that way,

but I also believe in giving nice gifts.

So just think of this as another birthday present.

From me because I didn't get you anything.

Uh, no, you guys are the best.

Come here, Auntie.

(laughing)

-I love you. Thank you. -I love you.

-Oh, Kevin. -Huh?

Do me a favor.

If you see Denzel at that party,

grab that cute little butt of his

and tell him I said, "Mm, mm, mm."

Yeah. I'm not gonna do that.

(upbeat music playing)

The key is to be surprised but believable.

Watch and learn.

(gasps)

That was terrible.

The key to being surprised is being believable.

Watch and learn.

(screaming)

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