Original subtitles

-Kevin, hurry up in there! -What is going on?

Kevin's been in the bathroom for over half an hour.

He's so tiny, probably got rinsed down the drain.

Look, Kevin is not used to being

part of a family, he'll learn.

Just give him time.

Okay. Time's up.

-Clarence, stop it! -What?

-What? -Maybe he's not feeling well.

Did you ever think of that?

Whoo! Morning.

All right, now,

at the end of my shower yesterday,

y'all were out here too.

Do I have a fan club, hmm?

What took you so long?

Long? I was only in there for 35 minutes.

Oh, Uncle C, at the end of my shower,

the water got all cold.

You might wanna get that checked out.

? Ooh ?

? Ahh ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh, yeah Yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Yeah ?

Hey, I'm sorry I'm late, you guys, I had an emergency.

What happened? Are you all right?

It was a nightmare, Aunt Tina.

I had to go, like, three different stores

to find this color...

but you see how the gold stripes

bring out the flex in my eyes?

Where did you get the money to buy that?

Oh, I won, like, $200 playing a scratcher.

I got lucky.

You won $200 and you spend it all on yourself?

Good thing you bought a jogging suit,

'cause you better start running.

How selfish can you be?

Did you ever think to spend the money on something

the whole family could enjoy?

Like a bowling ball with my initials on it?

Kevin, you know what really hurts me?

When people accuse you of being selfish

and you're really not?

Ever since you got here, I've defended you,

but you really don't care about anybody but yourself now,

-do you? -Oh, come on, Aunt Tina,

-don't be mad at me. -Why shouldn't I be?

Because I...

Okay. Uh, heh...

it was supposed to be a surprise but, um,

I didn't spend all the money on myself.

Uh, this here is actually a knockoff, yeah.

It's made by, uh,

Like.

I used most of the money to buy

you and Uncle Clarence a gift.

For our anniversary?

Exactly. (chuckles)

I just wanna show you guys how much I appreciate you

and everything you've done for me.

(laughs)

Now, you've stepped in it.

Our anniversary isn't until October 12th.

It's this Saturday.

I knew that.

I just wanted to see whether he knew that.

Oh, Kevin.

Now, you see that? You were all so quick

to call sweet little Kevin selfish and self-centered.

-Actually, you're the one who- -TINA: Don't interrupt.

Now, when was the last time any of you did anything

for our anniversary?

Um...

Well, I...

I made you that memory wheel.

In the 4th grade.

See, and you're still talking about it.

Kevin just joined our family

and he's the only one that remembered.

You hear that? The only one.

I'm ashamed of all of you.

Shame! Shame on everyone,

except for meee...

You know your mother's right.

-TINA: Hmm. -You kids got a lot of nerve

forgetting our anniversary like that.

It's downright disrespectful is what it is.

Well, what about you? You don't even know

when our anniversary is,

which explains why you never get me a gift.

Hey, my gift is staying with you for the last 27 years.

I am the gift.

Do you know how many Black families

live without a husband

or a father in the house?

-ALL: 43... -43% of Black fathers

leave the house to buy a carton of milk and end up

with a new name, dealing blackjack at the Luxor.

But not me, I stayed.

Every time I come through that front door,

balloons should fall from the ceiling.

The only one here who deserves balloons is Kevin.

What?

You could all learn a lesson from him.

Love you, Aunt T.

(vocalizes movements)

Got enough for this cheek too. (pops mouth)

(laughs)

Ooh.

Glad I straightened that out.

Ain't nothing worse than somebody mad at you.

(Kevin chuckles)

Now, you guys are mad at me, aren't you?

I can't believe you kissing up like that

and making us look bad.

Okay, now, wait a minute. All right, now,

please just don't be mad at me.

Uh, I can fix this, just give me- give me a couple minutes.

What is wrong with him?

Yeah. I'm the oldest,

if anyone should've done something for them,

-it should've been me. -Then why didn't you?

Don't change the subject, we're mad at Kevin.

Oh, I can't believe it, my babies are throwing me

a surprise anniversary party. Mwah.

You know, I never doubted your kids for a moment.

-What surprise party? -Uh, hello, Warren,

I told them the reason why it seemed like no one

did anything for their anniversary

is because we've been planning this party for weeks now.

It's the first I've heard of it.

Oh, you good. You real good, Warren,

let it go, buddy. Let it go.

(upbeat theme playing)

What was that all about up there?

What was that about? That was me saving your butts.

All right. I said I will fix it, and boom, it's fixed.

I'm like a Black genie.

Nope, you still here.

Maybe that's how you solve problems in Malibu, Kevin,

by just, you know, throwing money at 'em, but here,

we apologize, we talk things through,

and we work 'em out emotionally.

And we'll be right back for more Oprah after this.

(laughter)

Look, Eartha, the only way to win people over

-is by giving 'em stuff. -That's ridiculous.

Huh- Look, Eartha, you don't always have to be right.

All right, my plan is working.

Why mess with success?

Boop-boop.

You know, he's right. I haven't seen Mama this happy

since she thought she saw Jesus in the mayonnaise.

Okay. Even if I'm wrong, which I never am,

how are we gonna get a party together in three days?

Well, it just so happens I have the instant recipe for parties.

You just add Kevin, yeah.

I'll take care of everything.

As crowned prince and heir to the throne,

I think I should take charge here.

Did you borrow my copy of The Lion King again?

It's our copy.

Anyway, as the number one son,

I should take of the details.

Okay. What are they?

All right. Well, look, first of all,

we're all gonna have to pitch in.

Fine. But only because it's for Mom and Dad,

-I will contribute. -Oh, well, there you go.

-Uh, how much? -A poem.

I will contribute a poem.

Okay. Everyone can relax,

we got the poem covered.

Listen, Warren, you know what, you're gonna take care of, uh,

food and drinks. Eartha, you invite all the guests.

And CJ, you do decorations, okay?

But, wait, what are you gonna do?

Well, I got the most important job,

I'll provide the...

(high-pitched) flavor!

Hope everybody's in the mood for vanilla.

(high-pitched) Player-hater!

(upbeat theme playing)

Oh, all right.

Looking good.

Yeah. Now, we ready for a party.

You know, Eartha, I don't like to gloat,

but if I did, I would probably say,

"Bow down before me,

Yee of little faith because I am a god."

But that's not me.

Admit it, Eartha, he was right.

Oh, now, listen, it's not about who was right,

the important thing here is that I'm the glue

that holds this family together.

Yeah, and I think you need to stop sniffing yourself.

Anyway, look, here's the best part,

my present for 'em.

It's a picture frame. (chuckles)

That's not our family.

What gave it away?

The kitten or the White grandparents?

-What's it for? -Ah...

Please don't ask that.

It's to frame their wedding invitation.

-That's nice, right? -Yeah.

Yeah, I found it in a box when I was getting

a folding table from the storage room.

Wow, I never seen that before.

-This is weird. -I know.

"Join us as we disco down the aisle. " Who says that?

Not that.

It says they were married in 1979.

-So? -So this is their 27th

wedding anniversary. According to this,

they wouldn't have been married 25 years.

That can't be, because I'm 26.

Do you know what this means?

Yes, I do.

Oh, my God, I'm 24.

Um, I don't- I don't think that's it.

What else could it mean?

Uh, I think it means that you were-

that you were born slightly out of wedlock.

(balloon hisses)

What?

-(door opens) -Okay. Look, look,

hide it from your parents. Don't nobody say anything

about this, all right? Keep it.

-(laughter) -Wow.

-Ooh, everybody looks great. -Wow.

KEVIN: Warren!

Was I born out of wedlock?

What?

This can't be true, Mama.

You're a good Christmas woman,

there has to be some explanation.

Well, of course, it isn't true. That is ridiculous.

It is totally ridiculous. Tell them it's ridiculous.

That's ridiculous. Craziest thing I ever heard.

Whatever gave you such an idea?

Okay. It's true.

Where did you get this?

From Kevin.

Uh, Sweetheart, why don't you go finish getting ready,

this discussion is for grownups.

Then I should go to. I'll just wait

until you all figure it out.

You stay.

You go.

I can't believe this. You got pregnant

and waited two years to get married?

-We had our reasons. -Wait, you're gonna wait

until I was old enough to give a toast at the wedding?

Look, we would've told you, but we thought there was nothing

to be gained from it.

Exactly. All right.

Look, what's done is done,

there's nobody really to blame here.

It's just a big mistake.

So was I also a mistake?

Actually, there is someone to blame here.

Oh, now, Aunt Tina, don't go getting no hard on yourself.

-I was talking about you. -What?

Wait a minute, how did we get off of you onto me?

Well, none of this would've happened if you hadn't rummaged

through our personal belongings.

That's right. What's the matter with you, boy?

Okay. Is it all possible that you guys

are angry at yourselves and you're just transferring

that anger onto me?

No.

How could you have done this?

I'm so disappointed in you.

Eartha, I'm only human.

I made a mistake.

Stop saying mistake!

I hope you're pleased with yourself, Kevin,

you've ruined our anniversary.

What is the big deal, okay?

So you had sex out of wedlock and lied about it, who hasn't?

Reverend Wilson.

KEVIN: Reverent- What?

Please, you mean Reverend Horndog?

That man hits on anything in church with cleavage

including Man-Boobs Jackson.

Am I early?

(chuckles) Not if you're here to save my soul.

(upbeat theme playing)

Whoo!

This party's banging.

It's slamming, it's off the chain.

What party you at, boy?

Okay, look. I got an idea.

How about we put on some music so you two can relive

your first dance? What was your wedding song?

Let me guess, "Having My Baby"?

Warren.

Warren, I'm talking to you.

Oh, is that my real name?

I thought it could be Tay, or Jack, or Oops.

Well, Kevin, you were right.

Parties solve everything.

In fact, instead of Middle East peace talks,

maybe they should just parachute you in with a karaoke machine.

You know what? Not only am I right,

but you're gonna help me prove that I'm right. Come on.

Hi, everybody.

Uh, my generous cousin Eartha here has a very special gift

that she would like to give her parents

that they'll both love and cherish.

A poem.

Yeah, a poem.

Yeah. So please,

show your love for Eartha Cleveland

as she shows her love the way God intended by giving a gift.

Show your love, Eartha Cleveland!

Show your love!

(applause)

Thank you, Kevin, for that kind introduction.

(clears throat)

It was 27 years ago that they decided to marry.

Though in some versions of the story,

that number can vary.

He wasn't a prince, or even a surgeon.

But that's okay, she wasn't a virgin.

Whoo! Wow!

Wow, that's talent right there.

Show your love, Eartha Cleveland! Right here!

My own children hate me and it's all your fault.

I really think that we're missing

a big picture here, okay?

We should be celebrating.

And who cares when you got married?

The point is, is that you got married and stayed married.

Yeah, he's right.

Moping won't solve anything.

-No, I guess. -KEVIN: All right.

So let's not dwell on the past,

let's dwell on the present!

Everybody, presents time, come on!

-(applause) -Hey, it's about time

I got some presents.

She gets one every day- me! (laughs)

I would've returned him, but I lost the receipt.

(laughter)

All right, uh, let's start with presents.

I'll do the first one and see what it is and who is it from.

(laughs) Let me read the card first, Aunt Tina.

Says here, "Happy Anniversary, from your favorite nephew.

"A wonderful addition to the family

and a joy to have him around."

I couldn't agree more. I think the kid's a keeper.

Thank you, Kevin.

I got the impression that you didn't like my first gift,

so I went with my second choice.

It's their old wedding photo.

Look at her, she's speechless.

Speechless. And the gifts keep coming.

(laughter)

Who the hell is this?

Well, Aunt Tina, that's Uncle Clarence with a three-foot afro,

and that's you behind a veil, and that's enough

drinky-drinky for one night.

She drunk.

I'm as sober as a clergyman.

And I want an answer, Clarence.

Who is that woman standing next to you in a wedding dress?

Well, uh, I never told you about my first wife.

What?

I guess you didn't.

I can't believe this.

How long were you married?

Is that my real mama?

You were married and you never told me?

Uh, well, I guess this was a surprise party after all,

-huh, people? -I was young, it was a mistake.

She was my wife. She meant nothing to me.

Just like me, I guess.

-What? -Oh, it's all starting

to make sense now,

why you never acknowledge our anniversary,

why you're always taking me for granted.

Oh, look, a car duster.

Tickle, tickle.

You never loved me.

Our whole 25-year marriage is just a rebound relationship.

I'm married to a crazy woman.

Somebody take the Dustbuster and exchange it for a straitjacket.

You know what, I want you out. Get out!

All right, you heard it, the party's over.

Just leave your gifts and go.

Uncle Clarence, I think she was talking to you.

Me?

This is my house. Where am I gonna go?

You could go deal blackjack at the Luxor for all I care.

Fine!

-I'm going. -Uncle...

Fine.

-Hey- -(door closes)

Nice going, Kevin.

Okay, look, now, I can fix this, all right?

Okay. So what are you gonna put in a frame next?

Their divorce papers?

Okay. Look, just give me a minute, all right?

I'll straighten everything out.

Here. Take this with you.

Ow!

(light theme playing)

Oh, good. You're still here.

You know, this is all your fault.

Until you showed up, I had a perfectly good marriage

based on secrets and dishonesty.

Okay, I don't understand.

How could you never told her about your first wife?

Because when I met your aunt, I was kind of still married.

I knew right away she was the one.

But if I told her I was married, I might've lost her.

And I wasn't gonna take that chance.

Wow. That's the most romantic story

of adultery that I've ever heard.

There was no adultery.

Nothing happened until after the marriage was annulled.

I may be a liar, I'm not a cheater.

See? That's why I look up

to you, Uncle C.

Or should I say Uncle A+?

(vocalizes)

Not in the mood, are you?

All right. Well, I mean, we can patch this up.

Yeah. How?

Uh, well, let's see.

Uh, there's marriage counseling.

What? Tell my feelings to a perfect stranger?

I don't even tell them to my wife.

Uh, okay. I got it.

I know. I know.

You can renew your wedding vows.

-What? -Yeah, renew your vows.

People in Malibu do it all the time.

I mean, come on, Uncle Clarence.

The reverend's here.

Okay, you got a cake.

It's your anniversary.

The woman just wants a little romance.

Come on!

I don't know...

You think it'll work?

Well, I hope so.

If not, maybe marriage number three'll be the charm.

(chuckles)

You're still not in the mood, are you?

(upbeat theme playing)

Hey, everybody.

Uh, it's time for an important announcement.

What are you gonna tell me now? That my real parents are white?

Uh, anyway, we have really good news.

Uncle Clarence, go on.

You tell her.

What?

You tell her, she your wife.

Well, somebody better tell me something.

Tina, you've been my wife for 25 years,

and I didn't marry you because I had to.

I married you because I wanted to.

And?

And what?

Tell them what you told me- from the heart.

Come on.

I fell in love with you from the moment I laid eyes on you.

From the instant I saw that booty of yours...

So round, so firm,

so smack delicious.

Uncle Clarence, will you be romantic?

Mind your own business, Kevin.

Go on...

What I'm trying to say is, Tina,

will you marry me, again?

Renew our vows?

This is all Kevin's idea.

I feel so stupid.

I would be honored to remarry you, Clarence.

Oh, baby.

(applause)

That was beautiful.

Especially the part where he said it was my idea.

Now, you kids are going to your own parents wedding.

-Is that weird or what? -Not for Warren.

He was the first one too.

(laughs)

CJ, that's not funny.

I'm glad to see everybody all happy.

But I'm still a love child.

So what if you're a love child.

Okay? The important thing is the love part.

You know how lucky you are to have parents in a family

that cares about you?

Wish I had what you have.

So stop sulking and start appreciating.

Hakuna matata, Warren.

Means no worries.

What was that for?

Because I'm not mad at you anymore,

and you didn't even have to give me a gift.

Heh.

So everybody's happy?

Nobody's mad at me anymore?

Kevin, it's okay to have people mad at you.

And a family, people yell and scream and fight-

that's how they show that they care.

-CLARENCE: Mm-hmm. -Wow.

So y'all must care a lot.

I'll be right down, everybody.

I have to go slip into my old wedding dress.

I'll help you, Mama.

TINA (laughs): Come on.

Well, uh, you all go on about your business.

This could take a while.

(upbeat theme playing)

Kevin, come on! It's been half an hour.

Kevin!

Yeah? What's wrong?

Wait.

If you're not in there, then who is?

(humming) Good morning!

Hey, Aunt Tina.

(exhales)

Don't expect any hot water this morning, boy.

(upbeat theme plays)

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