Original subtitles

(upbeat theme playing)

Tina, what you doing?

Paying the bills.

Are you crazy?

We don't pay bills, we pay notices.

If I don't see pink, they don't see green.

From now on, we're paying our bills on time

like the Huxtables.

Look at this.

You know, ever since your nephew moved in with us,

every one of these bills are higher.

I mean, look at this phone bill.

Come on. It can't be all Kevin's fault.

Steve O, what's up, man?

How's Hong Kong?

Kung Pao, baby. (chuckles)

No, I don't know what I just said either.

Hey, man, listen,

I was wondering if you could hook me up

with a pair of tickets

for the Lil' Kim concert in Philly.

Oh, come on, man, you still not mad about that

little embezzlement thing with my father, are you?

You young.

You got years to earn your life savings back.

Now, grandmother, that's different.

What can I say? Hello?

-Hello? -Get off the phone.

Get off the phone and turn the TV off.

We got a crisis.

Daddy, I'm in the middle

of a very complicated math problem.

Well, I have a very complicated math problem, too.

See, I had three kids in this house bleeding me dry.

Now, I got four.

So three plus one equals screwed.

What your father is trying to say

is remember to turn off the lights.

Keep your phone calls short.

And Eartha, unplug this face steam

when you're done using it, princess.

Uh, Aunt Tina, actually, that's mine.

It keeps my skin looking young. (chuckles)

It's working. You look 12.

Now, of course there's another way to save money

that would be easier and fun, too.

One of you could join the army.

And you can stop investing

so much money in lottery tickets.

Yeah, the army takes women now, too.

Hey, Big W.

What about you, son?

Uh, you're 26 years old.

Be all you can be.

And be up out of here.

I can't leave.

If I left, who would protect the family?

I'll take my chances with a home invasion.

They're in and out in an hour, you're here 24/7.

Uh-uh. My baby's not going anywhere.

-Baby? -Yes.

Your baby has gray nose hair.

Hey, you know what? Uncle Clarence is right.

Maybe we tighten up our belts around here a little bit,

we can afford for me to live in a dorm on campus.

-Or I could join the army. -Hmm.

Nobody is going anywhere.

We are a family and family stays together no matter what.

As long as we have each other, we don't need anything else.

Hmm.

CLARENCE: I guess that last notice

wasn't a bluff, huh?

? Ooh ?

? Ahh ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh, yeah Yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Yeah ?

Hi. Uh, is this Bill?

Hey, Bill, uh, I just saw your ad in the campus paper

about the two Lil' Kim tickets.

Oh, no, I can't afford to buy 'em.

But, uh, I was wondering why don't you just take me?

Hold on. I need more change for the phone.

That's it.

I'll be back in three minutes.

Yeah.

So, when will be a good time for you to pick me up?

Because- Hello, Bill?

City of Brotherly Love my ass.

Hey, you know, some guy from school

just tried to jack me for 200 bucks

for a Lil' Kim ticket?

Can you believe that? (chuckles)

Can I borrow 200 bucks?

You know, a buddy of mine asked me to work security

for that concert.

What? Oh, Warren, are you serious?

That's great.

If you work security, you can get me in.

Slow down, Kevin. I told her I wasn't interested.

Oh, wait, Warren. What are you, crazy?

How can you say no to hanging out at a Lil' Kim concert?

Hanging out?

(laughs) Civilians.

There's a lot more to working security

than just doing this, Kevin.

I know. Sometimes you probably got to do this.

Damn straight. I do it all day long.

When the weekend comes, I just wanna get away from the job.

Look, Warren, this concert is gonna be off the chain.

All right? There's gonna be hot girls everywhere, man.

And then, I'll be joining you,

because you'll be in a position of power.

That's this position right here.

That's the one.

I mean, come on now. Standing like that?

What woman can resist you?

None.

A blind woman maybe, but...

That's where your powerful smell comes in.

Come on, Warren.

This concert is important to me, man.

I mean, my father's in jail.

I don't have any money.

I just wanna take a four- hour vacation from my life.

Come on, man. I ain't ever asked you for nothing else.

Other than for you to keep your legs crossed

when you wear a bathrobe.

Okay, Kevin, I'll take you.

-I love you, man. -Oh, oh. Be cool. Be cool.

You'll ne meeting a lot of security colleagues of mine

and I'm kind of their idol, so don't embarrass me.

-No problem. You got it. -Ow!

That's where I left my badge.

Who wants another piece of meat?

-Oh, me. -Dad.

All right, all right, all right.

Now, guess what song I got in my head,

and the winner gets another piece.

Clarence, just give the kids some pot roast.

Why don't we just serve bacon, lettuce, and money sandwiches?

So, what's everyone have planned for tonight?

I'm writing a paper on the person I most admire, my mama.

Aww. Give him more meat.

What about you, Warren? What are you doing?

Oh, wait 'til you hear this.

This is incredible. Tell 'em, Warren.

-Tell 'em what we're doing. -I'm working.

That's a fascinating story.

Well, I myself love it.

You're out of the house and making money?

You just won yourself an extra piece of meat.

Now, Warren, you know I don't like you

taking a bus home late at night.

I'll pick you up at the Shop-A-Lott after work.

At Shop-A-Lott? He's not working at the Shop-A-Lott.

(exclaims)

It's a top-secret location.

Highly classified.

I had to swallow the piece of paper

they wrote the address on.

Then you must be full.

Warren, you are lying through your teeth.

-No, I'm not. -Don't try to fool me.

You know I got the gift.

What kind of gift?

The gift that tells me when somebody's lying.

It's a blessing and a curse.

Like my ability to attract men.

I guess the gift don't work when she's lying to herself.

(laughs)

Hey, what's the big secret?

Warren's taking me to go see the Lil' Kim.

Oh, is that your little girlfriend, Little Kevin?

I guess everything in your world is tiny, ain't it, son?

(laughter)

Where are you taking her, to a flea circus?

(laughter)

Daddy, Lil' Kim is a rapper.

An oversexed Jezebel whose only real talent

is shaking what the plastic surgeon gave her.

Yeah. The old LA fake and shake.

You better slow down.

You two are not going to any rap concert.

Well, why not? What's the big deal?

Rap concerts are dangerous.

People get shot at 'em all the time.

It's mostly just the performers.

This isn't Malibu, Kevin,

where it's all rainbows and lollipops.

This is Philadelphia.

There are drugs. There are guns.

Especially, where they have those rap concerts.

And besides, it's in one of

the worst neighborhoods in the city.

Wait a minute, you mean to tell me

there's neighborhoods that's worse than this one?

This is a good neighborhood, Kevin.

Oh, yeah. When they rob you here,

they leave you a couple of bucks so you can get home.

(laughter)

Warren, I want you to promise me

that you will not go to that rap concert tonight.

-There ain't no way. -Okay, Mama.

-What? Are you kidding? -TINA: Good boy.

Clarence, pass me some more of that pot roast.

What song am I thinking of?

Give-it-to-me.

By Rick James.

I believe we have a winner here.

Warren, what the hell was that up there, man?

Why you let your mom boss you around like that?

I don't mind. It's no big deal.

It is a big deal, Warren.

Okay, this concert is the first thing

that I actually look forward to since I moved here.

So we going.

You heard my mom, we can't.

You know what, Warren? Some people-

Okay, not me. But other people will say that you-

uh, that you're being a mama's boy.

Uh, who would say that?

The, uh, the security guards who idolize you.

Yeah. What you're gonna say, Warren?

"Uh, I can't go to work tonight because my mama won't let me.

And I do everything that my mama says

-because I'm a mama's boy. " -I'm not a mama's boy.

Would a mama's boy have a tattoo?

It says, "Mama's boy."

Damn straight. My mama picked it out.

Okay. Listen, Warren.

It's great that you- Warren, Warren, come on, listen.

It's real good that you respect your mom and all,

but I mean, isn't there some kind of limit?

No, Kevin. I owe my mother everything.

-She saved my life. -What'd she do?

Push you out the way of an ice cream truck?

No, she gave me a kidney, Kevin.

What?

When I was little, I was very sick.

I needed a kidney.

My mother gave me one of hers.

And without that, I'd be dead.

Wow.

And the sad part about the whole situation

is because of my medical condition,

I never reached my full adult size.

Again, wow. That's-

I mean, listen, Warren. That's amazing. All right?

But just because your mother saved your life

that don't mean that she can ruin yours

by not letting you live it.

So, we're going to the concert, man.

-Go tell your mom. -Forget it, Kevin.

-Just drop it. I'm not going. -Oh, you're going.

Yeah, if I have to drag you out here

kicking and screaming, you're going.

Who do you think you're talking to, boy?

You're gonna go.

Hey, that feels good.

Can you stretch out my calves?

(clears throat)

Hey, Auntie.

Uh, you mind if I have a word you?

Of course, Kevin.

I'm a little concerned about Warren.

Actually, you know what? I'm very concerned.

What about?

Warren is like that classic '68 Maserati

my father kept locked up in a garage.

Oh, it was safe, but it never got driven.

And like that car,

Warren needs to explore the open road-

straight-aways, hairpin turns, rap concerts.

So, Aunt Tina, please,

let off the emergency brake

and let Warren experience this wondrous thing

that we call life.

(chuckles)

Are you on drugs?

My point is that don't you think

you're being a little overprotective here?

Look, I've been protecting this family for 26 years.

You've lived here for five minutes,

so don't tell me how to raise my children.

Warren is not going to that concert.

And neither are you.

I hear your point. And I respect that.

-Good. -And as a sign of my respect,

I'm gonna get you a T- shirt from the concert tonight.

-What? -Well, I'm going.

I mean, I'mma find a ticket somehow.

You might be able to control Warren,

but you can't control me.

I'm a man. I'm 18 and a half.

I don't care how old you are.

You live in my house, you live by my rules.

Don't wait up, okay? Heh.

Kevin, if you walk out that door,

there'll be hell to pay.

Send me the bill in the mail.

Boy, I'll ground you for a month.

Sounds fair. I love you. Bye.

I can't believe that you would disrespect me

like this after everything I've done for you.

Aunt Tina, listen,

I really, really appreciate you guys taking me in, okay?

But this here, this is something completely different.

No, not that.

The other thing.

What other thing?

You mean your father never told you?

You better sit down.

Come on.

What is it, Aunt Tina?

When you were young,

too young to remember, you were sick.

Very, very sick.

And well, out of my love to you and my late sister,

I gave you one of my kidneys.

Oh, my God.

You... You saved my life?

Bless you.

Aunt Tina, bless you.

That's what family does.

So you don't want to go to that dangerous concert

and upset your Aunt Tina,

the woman who kept you alive, now, do you?

-Of course not. -Good boy.

But what I am gonna do,

I'm gonna call a tip to a medical school

and tell them we got a miracle woman

living in Philly without any kidneys.

What are you talking about?

Well, if you gave me a kidney

and you gave Warren a kidney,

according to kidney math, you out.

Oh, oh, yeah? Well, um, uh,

that just shows how much you know about the female anatomy.

The female- Admit it, Aunt Tina,

you lied to me, you lied to Warren.

Lied to me about what?

She never gave you no kidney.

Is that true, Mama?

Yes, Warren, it is.

-Oh, my God. -Mm-hmm.

How long do I have to live?

So, I was never sick and I never needed a kidney?

Oh, Mama, right now,

I'm so mad at you, I can go just-

Go to a rap concert, that's a good idea.

I'm going with you.

How can my own mother turn out to be a liar?

Whoa, uh, how dare you call your mama a liar?

This woman gave you a kidney.

She gave you the gift of life. If it wasn't for her,

you wouldn't be standing here talking about-

Oh, he knows the truth about the kidney, Clarence.

Oh, that one's over, huh?

Well, 15 years is a damn good run

for a cock and bull story.

What's all the yelling about?

It's about how your mom lied to Warren

about giving him a kidney.

And right now, he's so mad that he's going

to the Little Kim rap concert.

You got that right.

Warren, there was a good reason I told you what I did.

There is?

Hey, hey, you're angry, remember?

Come on, power position.

-Right, right, right, right. -There we go.

Go on. I'd like to hear this one.

Well, you see, Warren, when you were about CJ's age,

you started hanging out with the wrong crowd.

You know, boys like that Derrick Mosley and the like.

I remember Derrick Mosley.

Hard to forget a 12-year old with an El Dorado.

But, anyway, I was scared to death

that you were gonna get into trouble,

so I made up the kidney story.

See? And you know what happened to those other boys, right?

Doesn't Derrick Mosley own Mosley Otto Square?

Doesn't you have something else to do?

I'll tell you how they turned out.

Most of those boys are on drugs or in prison.

So you see, even though I didn't give you a kidney,

I did save your life.

I guess, Mom.

So, everybody happy?

Uh, hold on. Okay, Uncle Clarence, hold up.

Everybody's happy right now except for Warren.

Right now, Warren's rap concert going mad.

-I am pretty steamed. -KEVIN: Mm-hmm.

You know, come on, Warren, let's go.

Where do you two think you're going?

Warren's going to the rap concert.

-Ain't that right, Warren? -Yeah.

Oh, no, you're not.

Oh, yes, you are.

Come on. Let's go.

Here. There you go.

Warren, don't go.

Oh, Warren, if anything happened to you at that concert,

I couldn't live with myself.

Warren, listen to your mother.

I don't want nobody getting shot.

My postal insurance only covers gunshot wounds

that happen at the post office.

I'm sorry, Mama, but you manipulated me

long enough and I'm not gonna stand for it.

I'm sorry. I'll never manipulate you again.

But if you walk out that door, I swear it'll kill me.

Is that what you want?

We can get you a new tattoo: Mama Killer.

What is it gonna be, Warren? Huh?

Mama- Mama's boy or mama's man?

I'm going. Good night.

That's my boy. Men go first.

(laughs)

(door closes)

(Clarence scoffs)

I didn't think the boy had it in him.

Had what in him?

The devil. Out!

Out, devil! Out, devil!

You- Out!

(upbeat theme playing)

Ooh-ooh. Yeah! Ooh-ooh!

(laughs) This place is smoking, man.

Easy, Kevin. The concert hasn't even started.

Don't make me handcuff you to a urinal.

Damn!

Hey, man, I haven't seen these many hot girls

since I was at Josh Goodstein's Bar Mitzvah

at the Playboy Mansion.

He totally became a man that night, too.

Honestly, man, I'm proud of you.

You stood up for yourself back there.

Come on, how does it feel?

It's hard to believe, but I think I'm even cooler

-than I was before. -(laughs)

Hey, look at all these Little Kim look-alikes.

Look, there go an Asian Little Kim right there.

I bet her last name is probably Kim.

-(Kevin chuckles) -(pager beeping)

Oh, come on, don't check your pager.

Do not check your pager, Warren.

It's from home.

-I better call. -No! No way.

But what if it's important, Kevin?

Come on, man, don't you see what your mother

is trying to do here?

She's trying to control your mind, Warren.

And you're too strong to be mind-controlled, aren't you?

Warren, look at my eyes.

I said, you're too strong to be mind-controlled,

aren't you, Warren?

(deliberately) Yes, I am.

All right. Now, turn that pager off, man.

-Oh, oh. -(phone ringing)

(sighs) It's from the house.

-I better answer it. -No, no, no.

Okay? If you answer this phone,

we might as well go buy you some diapers

and put some baby powder on your butt,

because that's exactly what you'll be, a big baby.

Big baby Warren.

-(making whimpering sounds) -(phone ringing)

(chuckles) You better get that.

You better...

Hello?

Okay.

I'll be- I'll be right there.

-I knew it. -(phone beeps off)

Mama wants Warren home, Warren comes running.

She had a heart attack.

And you're just standing here? Let's go.

(upbeat theme playing)

Mrs. Cleveland, good news, your tests came back normal.

You didn't have a heart attack.

You had an anxiety attack.

Uh, are you sure? It felt like my chest

was caving in and I couldn't breathe.

The symptoms are very similar, but you're in perfect health.

You mean I carried her to the car for nothing?

(chuckles)

-Thank you, Doctor. -CLARENCE: Thanks, Doc.

I was terrified, Clarence. I thought it was the end.

Oh, I know, baby.

Listen, don't ever put me through

a scare like that again.

I don't know what I do without you, Tina.

Oh, thank you, honey.

I'd probably have to find me a new wife.

A young one this time.

Maybe an aerobics instructor.

Yeah, and one minute with her

and you'd be the one with a heart attack.

But I would die with a smile on my face

you couldn't remove with a chisel.

(laughter)

Oh, Aunt Tina, you're still alive.

Thank God. We...

I'm sorry, Mama, for going against you

and giving you a heart attack.

It'll never happen again.

-It won't? -I promise, Mama.

You didn't give her no heart attack, boy. It was-

That's right. I gave it to myself.

It was God's way of punishing me,

punishing me for going to such evil lengths

to keep my baby safe.

Don't you say that, Mama. It wasn't your fault.

It was Kevin's fault, Mama!

What?

He put evil thoughts in my head.

He made me do things, Mama.

He made me look into his eyes.

Look, okay, maybe,

maybe this is all my fault, all right?

But you guys gotta understand, I'm not used to somebody

telling me what I can and cannot do.

I mean, growing up in Malibu,

my dad's one rule was don't get caught.

No. No, it was my fault, Kevin.

I care too much, maybe more than my little old heart can stand.

Well, Aunt Tina, don't even worry about your heart anymore, okay?

Because you were right.

I mean, it's your house, it's your rules.

And from now on, I'll toe the line.

That would be nice, because I don't like being manipulative.

It goes against my nature.

I love you, Mama.

And now that you're frail,

I'll do anything you ask, just-

anything, just name it, Mama.

Whatever he does, Aunt Tina, I'll do twice as much.

I'll do the cooking.

I'll do the cooking and the cleaning.

I'll do the cooking, the cleaning,

and I'll rub moisturizer on your feet just like you like.

Okay, I'm out.

Well, if it's not too much trouble, I am hungry.

Could you run downstairs and get me a bacon cheeseburger?

You got it, Mama.

Oh, Aunt Tina, what about your heart?

What are you, a doctor all of a sudden?

Just do it.

Hey! And bring me some of them curly fries with ketchup!

I'mma milk this one for a long time.

You are one evil, evil woman.

And it's turning me on.

Oh, Clarence not here.

Oh, how about here?

(laughter)

Well, it is more privacy than we have at home.

And, uh, we are paying for this room.

I'd like to get something out of it

besides them Jell-Os I got in my pocket.

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