Original subtitles

Where is Kevin?

Now, he knows he's supposed to be home by dinnertime.

I don't want to ring the panic bell,

but at this point, we should consider him gone.

Let's split up his food.

(mouthed) No.

CJ, what's the matter?

My teacher is forcing me to be the hall monitor.

It's so lame.

Lame?

I was hall monitor for two years in the sixth grade.

It's a stepping stone to being a security guard.

I'll teach you everything I know.

What's there to teach?

I can probably do your job already.

In fact, let me see this nightstick.

Whoa! Whoa. Slow down, Sparky.

I had three months training with this.

If you take this out the wrong way, you can, A,

poke your eye out, or B, poke your other eye out.

(door opens, closes)

Where have you been? It's 6:15.

Dinner is at 6:00 sharp.

This lady gave birth on the bus today.

She named the baby after the bus driver.

Not too many Chinese kids named Rahim out there.

Hey, Warren, I got a two-for-one coupon

for the Flyers game tonight.

What do you say, me and you, hmm?

I hate hockey.

If I wanna see a tiny Black thing get slapped around,

I'll wait until you piss off my dad.

Hey, Uncle Clarence, what about you?

You busy tonight?

Unfortunately, I am.

We're baking pies for the homeless.

They don't need pies. They're homeless, not pie-less.

KEVIN: Ooh, Eartha, you look nice.

And dressed perfectly for the hockey game.

-What do you say, you wanna go? -I will not be your arm candy,

so you can pretend to have a trophy girlfriend.

Besides, I have a date tonight.

Jalapeno! This is big.

No, this is bigger than big. This is huge!

Will you calm down? It's just a date.

Actually, it's a second date.

Praise the Lord! Oh.

Wow. What happens when she gets a third date?

No idea. For all we know,

the earth could split open.

-(Kevin laughs) -For your information,

I can have all the second, third, or tenth dates I want.

I just happen to be very picky.

Well, I'm not picky.

I'd take anybody to the game with me.

CJ, you wanna go?

I'd get you a bobblehead doll.

Kevin, I want to hear more about Eartha's boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend yet.

We still haven't gone on a Saturday night date,

and that's how you know you're in a relationship.

That, or when the pregnancy test comes back positive.

(laughs)

Come on, I need somebody to go to the game with me tonight.

Why don't you just call a friend?

Um, because friends come and go.

But family, ha ha,

family is forever.

In other words, you have no friends.

What, are you kidding me?

I got lots of friends.

I just don't have any in Philadelphia.

But there's a good reason for that.

I mean, I've only been here a little while.

It's not like I'm living on campus.

And it doesn't help that I got a 6:00 dinner curfew.

I mean, I can use your help here,

you know, lifting the leash a little.

Give me a chance to meet some people

I really connect with.

Hmm, I understand.

And I'm sure I can work something out to help you.

Well, thank you, Aunt Tina,

because it's just a matter of time, you know.

People love me.

Back in LA, they didn't call me Kevin Hart.

They call me Kevin Par-tay, hot-tay.

That was when you still had mo-ney.

(laughter)

? Ooh ?

? Ahh ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh, yeah Yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Yeah ?

All right, here we go.

-Let me have one- Oh! -Put that down.

We don't eat until Kevin gets home.

Well, better be soon, because if my blood sugar drops,

I lose the ability to think clearly.

Has it been dropping since second grade?

(door opens)

(door closes)

(groans) Hey.

What is wrong with you? It's almost 7:00.

That's right. I should be suffering

from heartburn by now.

Wait a minute. I thought you said I can have

some extra hang time at school to meet some people.

I said no such thing.

So when you said we could work something out,

-what do you mean? -I'll show you.

Lamont?

Kevin, this is your new friend, Lamont.

Uh, what?

It's nice to meet you.

You know, your aunt told me you were lonely,

but you had a friend all along, Kevin,

and his name is Jesus.

Oh. So you can go then?

(laughs)

She told me you were funny. Well, so am I.

-KEVIN: Mm-hmm. -All right.

Who's your favorite apostle- John, Paul, or Ringo?

What? Oh! (laughs)

Aunt Tina, can I, uh...

Can I- Can I speak to you for a minute?

Go ahead.

In the kitchen.

Aunt Tina, I can't believe you...

I can't believe you fixed me up

on a blind date with a guy?

Isn't he great?

I'm sorry, but doesn't it seem

a little, uh, gay to you?

Gay? What's gay about

two lonely boys getting together

for a night of fun?

(scoffs) Okay, look, Aunt Tina,

um, I really appreciate your effort here,

but this, uh-uh, this ain't gonna work.

Now, how do you know? You just met him.

Because his psycho smile clashes

a little with his serial killer eyes.

Look, just give it a chance.

If it doesn't work out, there are plenty

of other fish in the church.

But I think you guys may just hit it off.

Fine. Fine.

LAMONT: ? There was a man Who is our Lord ?

? And Jesus says his name Oh, J-E-S-U-S ?

? J-E-S-U-S-U-S ?

? And Jesus his name, oh ?

Kevin, take it!

(upbeat theme playing)

As hall monitor and security guard,

reflexes are critical.

Try and snatch this hall pass from my hand.

All right, you two, clear up on out of here.

Your sister's future husband will be here any minute now.

Wow. A third date with the same guy?

Did she talk during the first two?

I'm as shocked as you are.

Hey, but when the Red Sea parts,

you don't ask no questions, just march on through.

Now both of you, march.

TINA: Ooh.

Tell me the truth, does this outfit make me look

too brazen?

Maybe for a Taliban girl, but probably not.

Stop it, Clarence.

You don't want her to look easy.

No.

But I wanted to look reasonable.

-Daddy. -(doorbell rings)

Ooh, that's him! I'll get it.

No, no, no, no, no. I'll get it. Please go.

I don't want you to ruin this for me,

you're like boyfriend poison.

Go. Daddy.

-Hello. -Hi.

Sorry, I'm a little early.

It's okay, I understand.

You couldn't wait to see me.

You're only human.

Come on in.

So, uh, go in, watch TV, and I'll be right there.

(indistinct shouting on TV)

-Hey. -Hey.

Hey, you must be Kevin. I'm Martin, man.

I- I've been looking forward to meeting you.

I've heard a lot about you.

Yeah, I bet she did tell you a lot.

Uh, look, I'm sorry, if you got railroaded into this.

Oh, I didn't get railroaded.

I'm looking forward to it, you know.

Okay.

Um, what's your favorite Bible passage?

Oh, oh, what a save!

-Hey, the Flyers. You like hockey? -Oh, I love it.

It's nice seeing white guys chasing each other

with sticks for a change.

(laughs) Wait a minute.

I never thought I'd meet another brother

in Philly who liked hockey.

What's next, a white girl named Shamika?

(laughter)

Where was you at Friday, man?

I was dying to go to the game.

Oh, I was there. My dad has season tickets.

It was incredible. Roenick hit Paul Kariya so hard,

he skated off the ice looking like a bobblehead doll.

He's like...

(laughs) I do bobbleheads, too.

Oh, so you go...

Yeah. So you- you're much more bobblelistic

-than me, man. -(laughter)

-Oh, come on, breakaway! -Hey!

Right there. Right there.

-Hey. -Oh.

-Whoa. -What happened to the reception?

Somebody in Philadelphia is probably using a hairdryer.

Darn it. Hey, you wanna go down to the sports bar,

catch the rest of the hockey game?

After that, the Sixers are playing the Lakers.

I already have dinner reservations.

Dinner? Come on, what's fun about that?

Let's go to the sports bar! It's much more casual.

That's true. But are you sure I shouldn't go upstairs

and make sure it's okay with your-

Of course it's okay with her.

It was her idea.

Okay. Sure. Let's do- Let's do it!

-Great. -(laughter)

You know what, baby, I sure could use me

a cold glass of- Why, hello.

-Hi. -Oh, my goodness.

I didn't know we had company.

-Hello, Martin. -Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Cleveland.

Kevin, I see you've met Martin.

-Isn't he terrific? -Yeah.

And he's a huge hockey fan, too.

Unlike Lamont, he doesn't say grace

before eating a breath mint.

If you guys'll excuse me, uh, I gotta take two minutes

in the old, uh, penalty box, but, uh,

feel free to flatter me behind my back.

(laughs) Two minutes in the penalty box!

That's good, man. (laughs)

That's my boy right there, Auntie.

I gotta say, that guy's a keeper.

Oh, look at my baby girl.

Oh, is that a new sweater? It looks great.

I know when you say it looks great,

that's just guy code for they look great.

Mm-hmm. I'd, uh, appreciate it if you would limit

your incestuous glances.

She's taken, boy.

And I don't need no three-headed grandchildren.

And look, you two, I told you

I don't want you down here. This date is very important.

I don't want you messing it up.

Go.

Okay, ready to go?

-Great. -Great.

-Where are you going? -Where are you going?

Oh, Kevin is coming with us. He said it was your idea.

Look, I'm parked, like, three streets over.

I'll go ahead, get the car, pick you guys up, okay?

-Mm-hmm. -Okay. All right.

-(laughter) -Okay.

What are you doing?

-That's your date? -Yeah.

And you invited yourself?

What you gotta say for yourself, boy?

Um...shotgun!

Good idea. I'll go get it.

(upbeat theme playing)

What were you thinking horning in on my date?

I didn't know.

Okay, I thought Martin was another "friend"

Aunt Tina fixed me up with.

How could you think Martin was here for you?

Uh, because he's totally my type.

Okay, he's smart, he's funny, he has great shoes.

And I've really got to find a non-gay way

to talk about this.

Oh, please. You knew I had a date tonight,

because I mentioned it at the table.

I don't pay attention to all that talk at dinner.

All I hear is the sound of my arteries congealing.

Of all the people to be friends with,

you gotta pick the one guy in America who likes Eartha.

What's that supposed to mean?

What's that's supposed to mean, Kevin?

I can't believe you, Kevin,

upsetting my sister like this.

You want me to handcuff him to the radiator?

I told you, CJ, handcuffs are not a toy.

That's why they stay right here in my belt.

CJ.

Damn it.

This is my third date, it's crucial.

If Martin doesn't ask me out for a Saturday night soon,

it's clear that this relationship

is going nowhere.

Okay. Look, I'm sorry.

It's just a misunderstanding, okay?

I'll just make up an excuse, I won't go.

No, no. Martin will see right through that

and I'll just look all desperate and clingy.

She's right, but he's gotta know

the truth sometime.

Eartha's right. You have to go with them now.

-Thanks a lot, Kevin. -Okay. Wait a minute.

Look, look, this is actually good, okay?

I'll take some of the pressure off.

In fact, you know what?

I guarantee she gets another date

on Saturday night- I guarantee it.

I hope so. You better not mess this up for her.

Mess it up? Please, I'm an expert on relationships.

I haven't missed episode of The Bachelor.

In fact,

I guarantee you will be getting a rose tonight.

Yeah. Don't say stuff

like that on a date. Come on.

Hey, Warren, you wanna come play cards?

Sure.

CJ!

(upbeat theme playing)

Oh! Oh! Two times!

(shouting)

KEVIN: Boom! Whoo!

Shaq is looking is good.

Hey, but not as good as Eartha, am I right?

Thank you, Kevin. I work hard to look better

than a seven-foot three-hundred-pound bald man.

And it shows. (chuckles)

-You do look nice. -Thanks.

(chuckles)

Oh, my God.

-I know that cheerleader. -Which one?

The one with boobs bigger than her head?

Yeah, yeah. We used to go the same church.

Well, apparently, her prayers have been answered.

Kevin, not to name drop, but one time

I met Maya Angelou's cousin,

really down-to-earth, just like you and me.

Well, expect for the missing hand.

Well, there you go.

Hey, so, what are you gonna have?

Well, I was gonna have chicken fingers,

but now I think I'll go with some a little

less hand-like, you know.

(laughter)

Oh, did you see that?

Oh! Oh! Iverson just slammed it in Shaq's face.

-A-I! -A-I! (growls)

Oh, Eartha, did you see that?

Yeah. That was, uh, something else.

Oh, do you like basketball?

No, I think it sends the wrong message

to inner-city youth that, uh, sports are the pinnacle

of achievement instead of, uh, education

or community service.

(laughs) That's funny.

Y'all are like a comedy team, you know,

you set them up and you're knocking them down.

You know what? Kevin, I have tickets

to the Flyers-Kings game, you wanna go?

KEVIN: Are you kidding me? When is the game?

-Saturday, man. -Saturday?

LAMONT: Yeah.

Oh, uh, what am I'm thinking about?

I'm actually busy Saturday night.

Hey, but you know you should take?

-Eartha. Yeah. -Okay. You wanna go?

I would love to go out on Saturday, but, um,

instead of the hockey game, the women's theatre coalition

is doing an all-female production of 12 Angry Men.

Let's do that instead.

Um, okay.

EARTHA: Great. Okay. Excuse me while I freshen up.

Freshen up? (laughs)

She's killing me, man.

She's funny. (laughs)

Hey, Kevin, can I be honest with you, man?

Yeah.

I see what you're trying to do,

and that's like real cool to you,

but me and Eartha, it's just not working out, man.

What? Why not?

I mean, I thought it would be,

you know, different, a change a pace to go out

with somebody smart and interesting,

but she's just so serious.

I know. Seriously fine.

(chuckles)

All right. Look, you know what?

Maybe this is all my fault.

No, seriously, because I dragged y'all out here,

you know. But you gotta understand,

this isn't her element.

You know, she's- She likes museums,

and poetry readings,

and protesting the death penalty.

And I'm not really helping right now, am I?

-No. No, not so much. -Okay.

Why don't you do this instead?

Just go out with her one more time on Saturday night.

I mean, come on, now, that's what

America's about- second chances.

You do consider yourself an American, don't you?

Actually, I'm Canadian.

Work with me here, man.

Look, it's just not gonna happen.

But if you wanna come with me to the game on Saturday,

I got no plans now.

So when do you plan on telling her?

I'm not. You know, we've only gone out,

like, a few times. I'm just not gonna call her

and she'll get the idea.

Well, maybe that's how they break up in Canada,

but here in America, we date women

until they get tired of us.

Which is why you got more alcoholics and gun deaths.

Look, I'm just trying to tell you that you're making

a real big mistake here.

I mean, yeah, Eartha maybe a little intense, okay?

But first of all, a confident guy would be able handle that.

Maybe you just need to step up your game.

And second of all,

she's a lot for funny than you think.

I'm just gonna turn this off so we can talk.

(stammers) Eartha?

It's overtime.

Yes, it is.

(crowd exclaims in disbelief)

(upbeat theme playing)

Warren, I hope I didn't make you feel bad.

You're a much better security guard than I'd ever be.

You really mean that?

Yeah, man. Give me a hug.

Aw. Yeah. Little brother. Oh!

And I promise, I won't take your handcuffs again.

Good. Because that's not cool.

CJ!

Darn!

You fought the law and the law won.

Martin and Eartha just pulled up.

Let's get some tin cans and tie 'em to the bumper.

Oh, here she comes. Quick!

What?

Sit down. Now, get busy.

Okay.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm getting busy.

Get off of me, fool!

-What did I do? -Clarence!

Oh. So, how was your date?

Martin is so amazing and he asked me out

on Saturday night.

I think he's officially my boyfriend.

Oh, my God!

Mama, come upstairs with me, I need

-to decide what to wear on Saturday. -Okay.

How about a wedding dress and veil?

-Daddy. -Um, wait,

Eartha, can I, uh, speak to you for a minute?

Sure, go ahead.

In the kitchen. What is wrong with you, people?

This is a signal.

Kevin, I don't like keeping things from my family.

So if there's something you wanna say, just say it.

Okay. Um, I don't know how to tell you this, but,

um, Martin told me that he wasn't interested

in you anymore.

What?

Personally, I think he's nuts.

(chuckles)

I know what you're doing. You're just jealous.

You want Martin all to yourself.

Eartha, I'm serious.

He told me that he was never gonna call you again.

I swear I wouldn't lie about that.

But why?

But why?

I don't know.

Tell me why, I wanna hear.

Well, uh, sometimes

you can be a little too in your face.

What? You mean just 'cause the woman is strong,

automatically she's too in your face?

I supposed you think I'm too in your face too, huh?

What would give you that idea?

Mama, let him finish.

What else did he say?

That you can, uh, occasionally be intense

and kind of not so fun.

Please don't hurt me.

Is he right?

Do you think that?

Kind of, but that's who you are, okay?

You shouldn't change for Martin or anybody else.

Well, I appreciate your honesty.

-Oh. -KEVIN: Eartha-

(sighs) I feel terrible for her.

But I'm sure other boys will come around.

So will Halley's Comet, but not in my lifetime.

(phone rings)

(clears throat)

-Hello? -Hey, Kevin.

I wanted to talk to you about the hockey game on Saturday.

Are you kidding me?

Calling me up after you did what you did to my cousin?

-What? -You know what.

Look, let me tell you something.

All right, you're not good enough for me

and you're not good enough for my cousin.

And you look like Rudy from Fat Albert.

And you know what you can do with those tickets

-of yours, man? -Hey, Kevin, stop.

I was calling because I wanted to make plans

with Eartha on Saturday.

-You are? -MARTIN: Yeah.

I was thinking about it

and you were- you were right,

I was being shallow.

You know, and Eartha just might challenge me

to open up my mind a bit.

She will challenge your mind.

And I'm glad you thought about what I said. Heh.

Anyway, so, uh, we'll just catch the next game,

right, buddy?

Yeah. That's not gonna happen.

Uh, put Eartha on the phone.

Eartha, the, uh, the telephone.

Who is it?

-It's Martin. -What?

The Martin you said was never gonna call me again?

Well, he changed his mind with a little assist from me.

Oh, please, he never said any of those awful things

you said he said about me, did he?

No, he didn't.

Uh, I just wanted Martin all for myself,

I was being selfish. I'm sorry.

I can't believe I actually believed you.

Like he would ever exchange all these goods

for something else.

Hi, Martin, can I call you back from upstairs?

Okay. Bye.

And stop checking out my walk away.

You got a good heart, you know that, Kevin?

Unfortunately, you still don't have any friends.

Hey, I've had a friend all along...

? And Jesus was his name-o ?

? J-E-S-U-S, J-E-S-U-S ?

Take it.

(upbeat theme playing)

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