Original subtitles

(upbeat music playing)

-Hi, Daddy. -Hey, Eartha.

-How was school today? -Horrible.

Some idiot in a mask walked into my history of feminism class,

wearing nothing but a jockstrap and a t-shirt that said,

"Shut up and make me a sandwich."

Where are people's manners?

Now, shut up and make me a sandwich.

-Daddy? -I'm not hungry,

I already ate, but you can bring me a beer.

Hey, you're not gonna believe this.

The kid just got tickets

to the Lakers-Sixers game on Sunday.

-Whoo! -Oh, where did you get that?

Oh, from these fraternity guys I know.

And all I had to do is walk into some class

wearing this T-shirt and no pants.

? Ooh ?

? Ahh ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Yeah ?

I've been trying to get a ticket to this game for months.

I can't wait till Sunday.

Now, all I need is some snack money.

Would anyone like to contribute

to the United Buy a Negro a Hotdog Fund?

Put me down for $5

because a hot dog is a terrible thing to waste.

Slow down, Kevin. You can't go to that game.

What? Uh, why not?

We go to church on Sundays or have you forgotten?

Aunt Tina, I've been nine Sundays in a row.

According to my Sabbath punch card,

the tenth Sunday is free.

Everybody in this family goes to church every Sunday,

and especially this Sunday because I'm running

for president of the church board

-against Shirley Jenkins. -Who?

You know, mom's friend who she can't stand.

The one with the dodgy eye.

Oh, yeah. One eye is looking at you

and the other one is looking for you.

So, anyway, until the election a week from Sunday,

this family is gonna be under intense scrutiny,

so you're going to church with us.

That's not fair. How come C. J. doesn't have to go?

He's going to bible camp this weekend.

He's gonna make me a crucifix out of macaroni.

Now, that's sacrilegious. Macaroni is for eating.

-Aunt Tina. -Uh, uh, uh, uh...

Come on now. Hey, help me out here, y'all.

I can't be the only one that doesn't wanna go.

We're all going,

because if she wins that election,

I get invited into the reverend's poker game.

Why do you wanna get in that game?

Because they're decent, honest, good people.

And I can take them for everything they've got.

Hey, what about you, Eartha? I mean, come on,

isn't there some million angry woman march

that you would rather go to? Hey, look, you can protest against me.

I love going to church. You need to just open your mind,

explore your spirituality.

The only thing I would like to explore in church

is that superhot girl,

the one with that long silky black hair

and the killer body to die for.

And the huge boyfriend.

Next to him, I look like you.

Come on, man. Help me out.

-Tell Aunt Tina you don't wanna go to church. -I've gotta go.

I'm the head usher, also known as the Lord's bouncer.

I've got to protect the bibles.

(whispering) There's gold along the edges.

Warren, nobody steals the bibles.

You're welcome.

If y'all scared, I'm gonna talk to Aunt Tina.

Look Aunt Tina, the family just took a vote

and they decided that I can go to the game.

So, we respectfully veto your decision.

Ah. Well the same people voted for you

not to live here and I vetoed that.

So, see you in church.

(upbeat music playing)

TINA: Kevin, hurry up! Come on here, boy,

get a move on, we're gonna be late.

Aunt Tina, I don't feel well!

Are you okay, sweetheart?

Aunt Tina, is that you?

It's kinda hard to tell with this blinding fever.

I'm seeing double.

Oh baby, you're burning up,

just like you will be in hell.

Did you really think I was stupid enough

-to fall for this trick? -No.

I thought you were smart enough to think this was so stupid

nobody would be stupid enough to try it, so it must be real.

Just get dressed or you'll be seeing double for real.

Wait a minute. I have a backup plan

which I think is a fair compromise.

If you let me go to the game, I'll hold this sign up the whole time.

We leave in five minutes.

Okay. Wait. Look, look, look.

Listen. As head of this household,

it's my job to expose you to religion.

Isn't it enough that you've already exposed me

to saturated fats and generic shampoo?

Look, Kevin, if you keep going to church,

one day soon the spirit is gonna find you.

I pray for that every day,

that you find deeper meaning and purpose to your life.

Fine, but if you keep force-feeding people religion,

it's gonna leave a bad taste in their mouths.

The bad taste in your mouth may be from that.

It's not an oral thermometer.

Come on, Kevin. You're here,

you might as well open up your heart to this.

If you take one step towards God,

he'll take two steps towards you.

Why do I have to make the first move?

He's God, for God's sake.

Good morning, Mrs. Jenkins.

How are you on this beautiful and holy day?

Oh, I'm as blessed as any mother could be with a gifted daughter.

-She's singing a solo. -Ooh.

Well, I can't hardly wait for this beautiful chapel

to be filled with her heavenly voice.

Jump in and drown her out.

(choir vocalizing)

(clears throat)

Hi, I'm Kevin Hart.

You probably seen me around before.

No.

Yeah, I haven't seen you either.

I'm Angel Bonds.

I used to sit over there with my boyfriend, Tyrone.

Oh, you have a boyfriend?

Actually, we broke up.

CHURCH CHOIR: ? Hallelujah

That's my thoughts exactly.

So, why did you guys break up?

He just wanted different things,

like he would rather watch sports on Sunday

than go to church.

Sports? When there's praying to be done?

I don't mean to be rude,

but I'd like to focus on the service.

Oh, no sure, me, too. You know,

that's why we're here, for the main event-

the big guy.

Welcome. Welcome, everybody.

And a very special welcome and thank you

to the Jenkins family,

who donated $50 to the roof fund. Hallelujah.

(applause)

-What? -Go on.

Oh. Uh, on behalf of the Cleveland family,

I would like to donate to the roof fund also $50.25.

(applause)

Amen.

Now, before we begin,

our very own Escalade Jenkins will sing a song

that she herself composed especially for our service.

-Escalade. -(applause)

That's my baby.

? Knock, knock, who's there

? Jesus at the door

? Knock, knock, who's there

? Jesus at my door

? Knock, knock, who's there

? Jesus at the door

? You better open up your heart and let it be ?

? Well, well, Jesus, Jesus is my Lord ?

? Jesus is my Lord

Jesus, I feel you. I feel you, Lord. Thank you.

I feel you inside of me. Thank you. Hallelujah.

Look at that.

Why couldn't Tyrone have gotten the spirit like that?

Hallelujah!

Oh, I got the Lord inside of me, too.

He jumped out of the Lamont and into me!

Oh, welcome, Lord.

Oh, it feels good.

It feels great!

-Hallelujah! -Hallelujah!

Oh, I feel his power!

I'm feeling it in my arms!

I feel it in my legs.

I believe I can fly!

-Praise the Lord! -Take him, Lord!

-Take him, Lord! -Take me, Lord!

Take me now, Lord. Take me.

That's the Lord in this boy here.

Now, that's my baby.

That was amazing.

I've never seen anyone get such spirit like that.

It was so inspiring.

Are you trying to get on my good side?

That's this side by the way.

Listen, um, my cousin's getting baptized tomorrow.

-Would you like to come? -I'd love to.

Uh, I've never been to a baptism.

I've been to a christening, you know, of my father's boat.

You guys don't break a bottle of champagne over a kid's head, do you?

Is there something wrong?

So, you haven't been baptized?

Yet. I haven't been baptized yet.

I had to learn how to swim first.

Nothing more embarrassing than wearing floaties at your baptism.

Uh, but I'm good to go now, you know.

That's what Tyrone used to say.

It was always, "Next Sunday, next Sunday, next Sunday."

Oh, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

Uh, I was getting baptized tomorrow.

-Really? -Yeah, right after your cousin.

I was gonna use my two souls saved

-for the price of one coupon. -(chuckles)

Oh, that's great. Well, then...

I'll see you tomorrow in church.

Hell, yeah... lujah.

Hallelujah. So, I'll see you tomorrow.

Yes, this was all my influence.

You know, my nephew hasn't always been like this.

Oh, yeah. Well, I would think not,

you know, with his father being in jail.

Well, yes. At first my nephew and I didn't see eye-to-eye.

You know, he was lazy and wandering, a bad pupil.

-Hey, Aunt Tina. -Oh, there he is.

What did I tell you? My prayers were answered today.

You know, so were mine.

It's like I was touched by an angel.

And if I pray hard enough,

I get to touch that angel right back.

That was quite a display you put on there, boy.

You look like my sister when she found out

my mother left her the washer and dryer.

In fact, you know what, Aunt Tina,

I wanna get baptized tomorrow.

Oh, what?! You wanna get baptized?

Oh, this is wonderful!

Not tomorrow. I have a date with my honey, Wanda.

She only gets one visit a month ever since she tried to escape.

No, tomorrow is perfect.

We'll have a party after for the entire congregation.

This election is mine. Praise the Lord!

Blessed be G-Diddy.

(upbeat music playing)

Warren, are you still mad at me?

Look, Warren, I'm sorry that you're gonna miss your date with Wanda.

-Warren. -I'm giving you the silent treatment.

Damn it.

Listen, Warren, you can't be mad at me

because of my religious conviction.

You forgave Wanda.

And she stole Eartha's Social Security number.

But she apologized with sex.

Okay, fine.

But just this once.

Be gentle.

Come on, Kevin.

I guess I can't blame you if you feel that strongly

about going through a baptism.

I do. But I mean, even if I didn't,

what's the big deal? A splash here, a prayer there,

-and it's over, right? -Are you kidding?

You're making a life-long commitment to God.

It's harder to get out than a Suge Knight contract.

So, were you baptized?

Yeah, my mother made me do it when I was young.

So, you didn't believe in what you were doing,

you were going through the motions?

Hell, no. She made damn sure I believed.

Why? I mean, what happens if you get baptized

and you don't believe? Just out of curiosity.

-That'd be blasphemy. -Oh, okay.

I mean, I was afraid that maybe your flesh

would sizzle in holy water, you know, like...

(growling)

No. That doesn't happen till you die. Goodnight.

But, Warren, are you sure about that?

Because it doesn't seem like it's that big of a sin.

They have a special room in hell for blasphemers.

Does it look like this one?

Just like it, but in the hell version,

we would be having sex.

Goodnight.

Warren, just one more question, okay?

Isn't it at all possible... I mean,

hypothetically speaking, that hell

is just a man-made notion to keep people from sinning?

Why don't you just book yourself on Flight 666 non-stop to hell

and take some sunscreen SPF a billion?

Goodnight.

Warren? Can we sleep with the lights on?

? Knock, knock, who's there, Satan at the door ?

Vote for Tina Cleveland because it just makes sense.

You can keep that. Oh, wait a minute.

That's a nickel.

Ooh, I'm so excited.

You're finally embracing the Lord.

If only your dearly departed mother

could be here to see this, she'd be so proud.

Plus, it'd be another vote for me.

Now, all those who are to be baptized

on this glorious morning,

would please step forward,

or as the Lord says, "Everybody in the pool."

God? It's me, Kevin. It's been a while.

How you doing? Sir?

Look, I'm not sure you actually exist,

but if you do, can you please give me a sign?

-Hi. -Ah! Men. Amen.

Um, before you go,

I got you a little something to honor the occasion.

-It's a sign. -A sign?

I got at the carwash for your windshield.

Jesus is my airbag.

Well, thank you. Uh, that'll go perfectly

with my Virgin Mary air freshener.

Um, I'll see you later at your house.

Good luck.

Thank you for the sign.

Wait! Or was that a test?

Signs from God really have suction cups attached.

Excuse me.

May I pick your brain for a minute?

If I get baptized, I'll get this really hot girl

and my Aunt Tina will be happy.

But if God exists, then I'm going to hell.

What should I do?

I'm just doing this because I have a crush on the minister.

If anybody around here is going to hell, it's me.

Kevin Hart?

(clears throat) Hey.

Kevin Hart, do you accept Jesus Christ

as your Lord and personal savior?

Your way, your light to eternal salvation,

and do you vow to follow his word

now and for all eternity,

in this life and the next?

Can I get back to you on that?

Come on, son. Be baptized.

Oh! Hold up!

What's the matter, son?

I'm doing this for the wrong reason.

I'm sorry.

Hallelujah!

That's your baby.

(upbeat music playing)

What are we gonna do with all this food?

No one touch anything.

I'm putting all of this in the freezer

and it's gonna stay there until Eartha gets married.

How are we gonna defrost cold cuts if hell is frozen over?

Oh. You're home.

Look who it is. Mr. Prayer-hater.

Uh, how's Aunt Tina doing? You know,

I just wanna give her some time to cool down.

-I'm home. -Oh, good.

She doesn't seem that mad.

You don't know her very well, do you?

This is the calm before the whoop-ass.

Warren, Eartha,

-could you give us a minute? -Mm-hmm.

I'll give you a minute and my belt.

Uh, look, Aunt Tina,

I just wanna say I'm sorry for embarrassing you

and, uh, hurting your election.

Me, too. If I had gotten into that poker game,

I'd own that church by now.

Every one of these windows would be stained glass.

Kevin, when you said you were getting baptized

for the wrong reason, I know what the real reason was.

-You do? -Of course.

You think I was born yesterday?

Look, Aunt Tina, it wasn't all about the girl, okay?

Girl? What girl?

Um, God. Because we all know that God is a woman.

Am I right, Sister Tina? God bless you.

Wait. Is this the girl

with the killer body you've been drooling over?

-Warren... -Because if it is,

you got a good taste, but she's really religious,

so you're gonna have to pretend. .. ooh, never mind.

You embarrassed me in front of all those people for some girl?

I thought you did it to make me happy.

That was part of it.

But I didn't go through with it,

so in the end, I did the right thing.

Well... yes, you were tempted by sin,

but redeemed by your sense of ethics.

-Exactly. -And I hope that gives you

some solace while you're roasting in eternal hellfire.

Oh, what? No, wait a minute, no, no.

I'm not going to hell because I didn't go through with it.

-Tell her, Warren. -He's right.

No. If you die before getting baptized,

you automatically go to hell.

Oh, that's right. My bad, dawg.

Why didn't you tell me that last night?

I would've gone through with it.

Let's go back to the church right now.

Uh-uh, that's not how it works.

You know, Kevin, I don't understand.

Your mother was such a deeply religious person.

What happened to you?

What happened to me?

Well, let's see. Uh, my mom died.

Oh, that's right. My dad was sent to prison.

After all that, it's hard to believe

that I have somebody watching over me.

God works in mysterious ways.

Now, I know that you've had a very difficult time,

but what doesn't kill you will make you stronger.

Then why can he only bench press 45 pounds?

-Didn't she ask you to leave? -If God didn't want me here,

why did he leave all this cold cuts?

Kevin, God is watching over you.

I mean, with everything that's happened,

you never lost hope.

When you had nowhere to go, we were here for you.

Do you think that happened just by accident?

-I guess not. -I admire you, Kevin.

You always believe that things are gonna be okay

and that is faith in yourself,

in God, whatever.

Hmm. I mean, I never really thought about it that way.

Maybe, I do believe in something.

But how do I know if I'm ready to get baptized?

You've been celibate since I've known you.

You're ready to be a priest.

(upbeat music playing)

Are you ready now, son?

I'm ready.

Hold on, wait.

Now, I'm ready.

You're baptized in the name of the Lord.

(panting)

(shrieks)

Aunt Tina, what are you doing?

You got a lot of sins, baby. I wanna make sure this sticks.

Aunt Tina...

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