Original subtitles

Hey, you mind if I sit here?

What difference does it make?

There's no God and life has no meaning.

-(sobbing) -You seem sad.

Hey, hey, come on now, chill out!

Well, your life can't possibly be worse than mine.

Look at me? I'm all smiles. You wanna know why?

Because your antidepressants are working?

No, it's because there's always a glimmer of hope.

You know, just gotta find it.

All right. Check this out. In the last month,

my father was sent to prison,

lost his house in Malibu, lost his fortune-

-and I mean White man fortune. -Uh-huh.

And even with all those bad things,

I still somehow focused on the positive.

-Like what? -A lot of things.

I mean, I still got matching luggage.

There's nothing in those two, but they just look bagged.

(laughs) I'm going to college here at Drexel,

same school as my girlfriend,

she's in the Girls of Theta Pi calendar, Miss August.

Wow, she's pretty. What's her name?

I don't know. I haven't met her yet, you know.

(crying) I'll never be able to afford boobs like that.

-(sobs) -Don't cry.

There's other things.

Like family. Do you have any family?

-Uh-huh. -Oh, see, you're lucky.

I grew up alone. Well, it was me and my dad,

but he worked all the time. Apparently embezzling

your clients' money is more time-consuming

than just managing it.

But the good news is, you know, I have relatives here in Philly.

I haven't seen him since I was little

but they're taking me in and I'm lucky to have them.

If it wasn't for them, I'll probably be rooming

with that guy right there. (chuckles)

KEVIN: Oh, my goodness. That must be them!

They're exactly what I imagined.

-TINA: Kevin Hart? -Kevin Hart!

-Kevin! -Is there a Kevin Hart in here?

CLARENCE: Is there a Kevin Hart up in here?

Clarence! Clarence, stop yelling on my ear!

Don't tell me not to yell. I'll yell if I wanna yell.

Kevin Hart! Kevin Hart!

All of a sudden, you seem fun.

Can I come live with you?

? Ooh ?

? Ahh ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh, yeah Yeah, yeah ?

? Home sweet home ?

? Oh, oh Yeah, yeah, yeah ?

? Yeah ?

-ALL: Kevin Hart! -Uh, here I am.

-Hey. -TINA: Oh, my God!

-It's little Kevin Hart! -KEVIN: Hey.

-Ooh! -KEVIN: Oh.

I haven't seen you since you were five years old.

You haven't changed a bit.

Well, I've grown a little, Aunt Tina.

Uh, no.

And why are you so skinny?

CLARENCE: Yeah, you look like one of them

Halloween skeletons.

Do like this.

(chuckles)

Now, look at that. Isn't that amazing?

I'mma put you in the window, boy. (laughs)

Kevin, this is your cousin, Warren, my oldest little baby.

Little? (chuckles)

So how long you've been a cop, man?

He's a security guard at Shop A Lott.

At least until he screws up again.

How was I supposed to know he is deaf?

He kept throwing up gang signs: Crip, Crip! Crip, Crip!

And this is CJ, my sweet little angel.

-What's up, my man? -I'm really glad you're here.

I always wanted a little brother to pick on.

Pick on? What's- Ow!

Oh! (laughs) You see that?

He likes you.

Am I bleeding? Is that blood?

So why's your pops in jail? He kill a guy?

-Oh. -Sweetie, Kevin's father

did not kill a guy. And I'm sure Kevin

doesn't wanna talk about his father's misfortune.

-Thanks. I don't even like to- -How he embezzled from all

of those clients of his and disgraced his family

-and Black people in general. -Well, as I just mentioned,

-I don't like- -TINA: But the good news is,

my sweet loyal sister was hit by a bus

and killed long before she could see

what that husband of hers had done.

That is good news, Aunt Tina.

I love happy endings. Heh.

So you must be Eartha.

Where you go to school, Villanova?

No, I'm a sophomore at Drexel University.

I was joking. It's, kind of, hard to miss it

-across your chest like that. -I would kindly appreciate it

if you would stop staring at my breasts.

I'm not staring at your breasts.

I am a sophomore at Drexel University,

not some sex kitten for you to objectify.

-I'm not- -What's the matter with you,

boy, staring at the girl's breasts like that?

She's a cousin for God's sake!

(low voice) Now, if she was a second cousin,

that might be a little different.

Come on, Kevin. We gotta get some food in you.

Oh, oh, wait, wait, before we go,

I gotta go find the guy to carry my bags.

Oh, I see him. Just make a right

at the telephone booth and left into the bathroom.

Look in the mirror. And you found him.

(all laughing)

-It's me. -TINA: That's so crazy.

So let's all learn a little more about Kevin.

Anyone have any questions?

I have a question.

Um, okay, Eartha.

Why does he have to live here?

TINA: Be sensitive.

He had nowhere else to go.

Now he's staying here until he finishes college,

so you make him feel at home no matter

how huge a burden he's putting on us.

You guys don't have a lot of guests here, do you?

Oh. Aunt Tina, I'm sorry, I don't- I don't eat carbs.

But those aren't carbs.

Those are potatoes,

so eat them because we don't waste food in this house.

Oh, I can see that. (laughs)

By your strong set of values that-

Absolutely, values are very important to us.

-We live by the three Bs. -Really?

In Malibu, I live by two of the three tenors.

Now they know how to eat. (laughs)

So what are the three Bs?

Be honest.

Be humble.

And behave.

Or be aware of the B-E-L-T.

It's actually the B-U-C-K-L-E

that makes you cry like a B-I-T-C-

Warren!

As much as I enjoy you guys' company,

you don't have to sit here and stare at me.

I can just go eat alone in the kitchen.

In fact, I like to do most things alone.

Me, too, except for loving.

Although, even that sometimes though.

-You know what I mean? -(laughter)

Seriously, you guys, I don't mind.

I can just go watch The Real World or something.

He thinks we have cable.

(laughter)

-TINA: Cable. -EARTHA: Cable.

If you wanna watch The Real World,

you got to look out the window, boy.

(laughter)

-Cable. -That's funny.

Wait, you guys are serious.

You don't have cable, do you?

Cable is a rip-off, the service is terrible.

I hear nothing but complaints about it.

But I thought you work for the cable company?

I do, in the complaints department.

Well, this was nice.

I feel like I've lived here forever.

But listen, I should get some rest.

I got a big day tomorrow. First day in college.

So, uh, where do I sleep?

Well, you're so tiny, you could sleep in my pocket.

Climb and take a nap.

Actually, you'll be sleeping with me, Kevin.

So how big is that pocket exactly?

Come on. Let me show you the apartment.

Apartment? I'll get my own- I'll get my own apartment?

That's great because I used to love privacy.

-Is it nearby? -Oh, it's walking distance.

Here we are!

Oh.

-Is this the apartment? -Yeah, it was our basement

but I hooked it up.

I like what you did. Heh.

The stains on the rug go nice with the stains

on the couch.

It's the little touches.

Follow me. Let me give you a grand tour.

Living room, dining room, bedroom, kitchen, library.

So where do I sleep?

-Guest bedroom. -Oh.

So what do you think?

I mean, you must get a lot of girls down here.

Did they ever get out?

So I'm not used to the cold weather yet.

You, uh, you mind if I shut this window?

Actually if that window gets shut,

the carbon monoxide from the water heater

will kill us, so I like to leave it open.

(upbeat theme playing)

-This is the Student Union. -KEVIN: Hmm.

-This is where you register. -Mm-hmm.

And this is a bulletin board where you can get a job...

-Uh-huh. ...so you can find an apartment,

so I won't need the suicide hotline.

I guess I should grab one of those.

Oh. Oh.

Man, I like to major in that girl.

That's... That's Miss February from the Theta Pi calendar.

She's one of the 12 reasons why came to this school.

Her name is Bianca.

You don't stand a chance.

Her last boyfriend was African royalty.

Oh, yeah?

Well, her next boyfriend is done talking to you.

Hey!

Girl, what are you doing here? Give me a hug.

Oh, my goodness! Look at you!

I can't believe this.

Seriously, what are the odds?

Um, do I know you?

Oh, my goodness.

Girl, I'm so sorry.

You look exactly like the supermodel I know

from back in L.A., only a little more super.

Heh. Wow. Thank you.

-My name is Kevin. -Bianca.

Wow. That is a gorgeous watch.

-KEVIN: Oh. -Are those diamonds?

Yeah, my dad gave it to me for my 18th birthday.

That man spends money like it isn't even his.

-(laughs) -And what does he do?

He's an embezzler.

(laughs) You are so funny.

I've never seen you around here before.

-Do you live on campus? -No.

So do you have your own apartment?

(higher-pitched) No.

Then where do you live?

Um, guess.

Uh, I don't know.

-Hotel? -That's amazing.

-Are you in my head? -(laughter)

Wow. That is so cool.

What hotel?

Double points if you guess which one.

Hmm. With a watch like that...

-Mm-hmm. -...and you're from LA...

Okay.

-The Excelsior? -That's unbelievable.

You just won yourself a year supply of Kevin Hart.

Would you like to start with a dinner, say,

-tomorrow night? -Okay.

All right. That's good. That's good.

Oh, shoot. I am so late.

I've gotta run but, uh, see you tomorrow night.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait! Uh, where should I pick you up?

I'll meet you at your hotel at 8:00.

My ho- My hotel?

Oh. And we can order room service!

-That'll be such fun. -Yay.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, Kevin, I'm just trying out your jump rope.

I think it's broke.

-Whatever, man. -What's the matter, Kevin?

I got a date with this girl from school

and for some strange reason, she thinks I live in a hotel,

so now I need like $500 for a room and room service.

$500? Just do what I do.

Invite her here and let the crib do the talking.

A girl like that isn't gonna go for no guy

-living in a basement. -But you do live in a basement.

Uh, no, not really.

Okay, see...

my body may live here in the basement.

But my essence lives in some fancy hotel.

You know, that's who I really am, not this.

So in a way, tell her that I live at the basement,

that's the lie.

Oh, I get it, like, how my essence

is dating Halle Berry, but my body

is dating some skank named Wanda.

Exactly.

Seems like awful lot of trouble

for some girl, Kevin.

Oh, oh, she's not just some girl.

She's my destiny.

See, this was God's plan for me.

God sent my father to jail, so I can move here,

meet this girl, and live happily ever after.

Oh.

Hopefully at her place.

I don't know. I wish I can help you.

Well, if you don't have $500, you can't.

Oh.

So I wish I was in Malibu, man,

to put on a Prada shoes, you know,

borrow my dad's Maserati, put the top down.

With any luck, her top would come down.

Oh, I got it! Why don't you tell her

you just broke up with somebody

and the hotel was your special place

and you wanna start over with her fresh

at her place with pizza?

That's a good idea, man.

-How'd you come up with that? -I don't know.

It just popped in my head.

I think it's part of God's plan.

I'm on a mission from God.

Thanks for being so understanding.

Uh, so I'll see you at your dorm?

Okay. Bye.

It worked. You're a genius.

-Thanks, man. -Don't thank me.

Thank us.

(chuckles) Yeah.

(laughs)

Hey, what're you so happy about?

Uh, how about we just say that the kid's got

a date tomorrow night.

Oi, oi! (laughs) Oi, oi!

Oi, oi, oi.

And I quote, you won't even know he's here.

Well, good for you, Kevin.

I can hardly wait to meet her.

-Bring here her first. -Uh, here?

Wait... Bring her here, like at the house?

Yes. In this family,

our children bring their lady and gentlemen callers

to the house, so we can approve of them.

So, uh, what time can we expect her?

Uh, actually, I mean, I would love to bring her by,

-but I can't. -Why not?

Because she, um- Uh, the thing with her is she-

-Because she's handicapped. -Warren!

Kevin, don't be ashamed.

What's the matter with her? Is she in a wheelchair?

Oh, that's fine.

Everything's better than that Wanda.

She's not in a wheelchair.

She's mentally handicapped.

She's a little slow on the uptake,

so she's awkward around new people.

That's why she can't come by.

TINA: Oh, okay. I understand.

Uh, Kevin, I'm very proud of you for being so open-minded.

She's the one who's open-minded.

Anyway, to change the subject for a minute,

how might I go about getting some spending money for my date?

Just go in the kitchen, there's a box

on the counter says, "Extra spending money,

take as much as you like."

Seriously?

Hey, Kevin, I hope your new girlfriend

is not too smart for you.

(laughter)

(upbeat theme playing)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

-What's the matter? -My date is less than five hours

and I can't find my loofah mitt.

Don't look at me, I ain't seen it.

Hey, that's my loofah!

Oh, I'm sorry, man, my bad.

You're sorry? It's ruined!

Now, I gotta go use terry cloth-

makes my skin all dry and patchy.

Where do you guys keep the face cloths?

Upstairs in that closet you might be coming out

of one day.

(upbeat theme playing)

Thanks for tutoring me. Sorry I have to run,

but I have a date tonight.

(speaks French)

Oh, right.

(in French) Yes...

(stammers)

Screw it, girl. Screw it.

So who's your date with tonight? I hope it's your professor,

that's the only chance you got of passing his class.

Actually, it's with this really cute guy from L.A.

-Mmm! -Lives in a hotel.

Oh. My cousin's from L.A.

-I wish he lived in a hotel. -(scoffs)

-All right. See you next time. -Okay, girl.

-Does my skin look patchy? -Yes.

(doorbell dings)

I'll get it.

BIANCA: Kevin?

What are you doing here?

Um, me?

What are- What are you doing here?

Eartha was tutoring me. What are you doing here?

Oh, uh, Eartha's my cousin.

Yeah. I stop by from time to time

-just to check on the family. -In your bathrobe?

Oh, no. I was- I was just doing laundry.

You know, I would have the hotel do it,

but I'm trying to keep it real. Heh.

-Looking for these? -Oh, you found them.

-EARTHA: Mm-hmm. -(speaking French)

Girl, I'm off the clock.

Anyway, uh, this is my cousin Kevin.

I know. He's my date for tonight.

Isn't that weird?

That's really weird.

All right. Anyway, so I'll see you later, right?

-Okay. -With my pants on of course.

Although don't you feel compelled.

(laughs)

You scared me, boy-

Good evening. How are you?

Stop embarrassing yourself.

So, Kevin, who's the young lady?

Uh, this is Bianca.

Eartha was just tutoring her and now she's-

-Now she's leaving. Come on. -Because she has to get home

to get ready for her date tonight with Kevin.

Oh, so this is your date.

(deliberate) Oh, he's very excited.

It's his first date since he moved in here.

Moved in here?

Moved here to Philadelphia.

Anyway, come on. Let me get you out of here.

-Okay... -No, come and sit down.

BIANCA: Oh, okay.

Would you like a cookie?

Uh, thank you, but I really should go.

Yeah, uh, yeah, she should. Come on.

-I'll walk you to the door. -Hey, Kevin,

I washed out your Oompa Loompa thing.

Oh, what's cracking, baby?

-Warren... -Hi.

I'm Bianca, a friend of Kevin's.

Hi, I'm Warren. Kevin's roommate.

You have a roommate?

-Hmm? -What's going on, Kevin?

-Do you live here? -Not exactly.

See, my body lives here,

but my essence lives at the Excelsior, you get it?

Oh, I get it.

(Kevin chuckles nervously)

Okay. Do me a favor,

have your body tell your essence it's a jerk.

-So I'll see you around 8:00? -Ugh!

7:30?

Hey, now that you're free, I have no plans.

Uh, so that was Bianca.

Why did you lie, Kevin?

Embarrassed about living here

with us common folk?

No, I just- I just wanted her

to see my true essence, you know, who I really am.

Oh, she saw and so do we.

You know, we may not be as rich as your daddy,

but we're proud of who we are.

I'm very disappointed in you, Kevin.

(panting)

Man, she runs fast for a girl.

I feel terrible, man.

They think I'm embarrassed of 'em.

They won't even talk to me.

-Warren? Warren! -Shh!

I'm watching The Real World.

Kevin, your aunt and I wanna have a word with you.

Oh, a very special episode of Boy Meets Belt.

Listen, before you say anything,

I just- I just want you guys to know that I'm not embarrassed

of you or by the way that you live, okay?

It's just that, um,

I used to be the kid, you know,

the boy with the toys.

I mean, that's how I impressed people.

And now without those toys, I'm just-

I don't know who I am.

Kevin, I know that you've been through a lot

and this must be hard on you,

but you have something more important

than all those toys now, baby.

-You have a family. -CLARENCE: That's right.

And if you're gonna be a part of this family,

you gotta follow our rules.

You know what happens to people when they don't follow

-the three Bs? -From what I've been hearing,

they get hit with a belt?

Worse. You end up like your father did.

And I won't let that happen to you

because deep down under there is a good kid.

I can tell.

-Thanks, Aunt Tina. -Come here, baby.

Ow.

Between you and CJ, I'm gonna need a helmet.

Yeah. You probably will

because you're gonna be here a while,

at least until you finish college.

Oh, so this is like my prison sentence,

except the water here is a lot tougher than my father's.

You better believe it because I run this house

with an iron fist and don't you forget it.

He was talking about me, baby.

I'm the boss.

Oh, of course, you are, honey.

(whispers) It's me.

-Get some rest, sweetie. -Yes.

Uncle C. Heh.

-That wasn't so bad, man. -It sucked.

No action, no violence.

I'm going back to The Real World.

-Can I watch it with you? -Sure.

(police siren blaring)

Ooh, Cops is about to start.

I can't hear. Let me turn up the volume.

(siren wailing)

There, that's better.

Is that...?

Run, Wanda!

Run, baby!

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