Original subtitles

I'm in the middle of a presentation.

This is unbelievable.

Whose phone is that? Seriously.

Okay.

Well, if you're not gonna answer it, I'm gonna answer it.

So we thought we'd start off this week by reading a little fan mail.

Dear Picnic Face, season two was amazing, but season two.

Oh, yeah.

This is fan mail from the future.

Dear Picnic Face, your show is da bomb.

Mark Little is like a hilarious orb riding an amazing sea dude. Did you

these? No.

Oh, here's one for me.

Dear Picnic Face, Andy has become incredibly fat and bald. Why does he

during the sketches? Thank you for that one.

Mark is the best.

Andy should be replaced by a second Mark. What is that? Look at this.

all for Mark. This is insane.

Dear Picnic Face, Mark really shines in season three.

Dear Picnic Face, I'm going to kill Mark Little.

Who wrote this?

Alfonso Green.

Halifax?

He lives here in Halifax?

We'll all miss Mark so much. He was the backbone of the sketch troupe.

That's it. I just get murdered in season four and that's it? You get four

seasons. Cheryl, where did you get these?

The what?

The future mailman?

Yeah, he delivers the future mail. Oh, what? He drives around in a future mail

van? Do you want me to call him? I'll just call him.

Yeah, okay, yeah. Why don't you give him a call?

Hello, Cheryl.

Hey, what's up?

Good seeing you again.

Yeah. I'm sorry if my mail has caused you any distress.

But for now, the future needs me.

Goodbye.

Incredible.

Did you two have some sort of a relationship? That got weird.

I don't want to talk about it.

Hey, look at the couple over there.

What do you think they're talking about?

Oh, honey, what kind of drapes do you think we should buy?

Oh, I don't know. I'm too busy with my job at the stapler factory.

But, honey, the drapes.

The drapes are so important.

Hey, look at that couple over there.

Are they mocking us?

Honey, just ignore them.

Well, no, I'm not going to ignore them. We come in here to have a nice time, and

we end up being somebody else's entertainment.

You know what?

Get my gun. No, I won't have you go back to jail over this. Do you think it's

funny? Do you think it's funny? Oh, yeah? Well, let's see who's laughing

shoot you in the knees.

I'm gonna shoot you in the knees.

Don't get my gun.

Please don't do this. You don't understand.

He's unstable.

So let's see what the fuck...

Yeah, we're still at the coffee shop.

What time are we supposed to meet, Chad?

Shit.

Yeah. We'll see you in like five.

Hey, Don.

Yeah? I want you to know that I'm happy that you're my best man.

Don't worry about it.

We've had some good times, haven't we?

We have.

What was that? What was what?

I don't remember that last part happening.

What last part?

You were breastfeeding me.

Roger, look, you're obviously just really nervous. With my mouth on your

and you were breastfeeding me. Roger, you're just freaking out over your

wedding, okay? Just take a breath.

Do you remember how nervous I was before my wedding?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Roger? Yeah, Don?

I just, I want to thank you for being my best man.

Don't worry about it, man.

I mean, you got my back and I got yours.

Yeah.

Remember that time when we were studying for that science test?

And then we'd fail, so we got a cheat sheet.

And we got caught.

And that's the way.

Why were you breastfeeding me again?

Why is your shirt undone?

Why is there milk on my face?

Were you breastfeeding me during the flashback? I've been breastfeeding you

years. In fact, I'm breastfeeding you right now.

everyone so i went over to alfonso's house the guy who's supposed to murder

in the future and i talked to him and it turns out he'd never even heard of

picnic face so we had this great chat i showed him some of our videos turns out

i'm his favorite and yeah so everything's good he's we're buddies now

realize you created your own stalker right no i didn't i created a friend

if you're gonna get murdered It's nice to be murdered for love. I'm not going

get murdered.

Who's that?

That's no one. That's my friend, Chevin.

Chevin? Who's Chevin?

Yeah, Chevin's a real name. Okay, it's Alfonso. You geniuses. Yeah, you're

right, okay? He's a stalker. It's official. Shit.

Well, there's like eight missed calls there.

What is that?

That's a picture of me sleeping.

Okay.

He put clothes on you. Probably going to get murdered. You're probably going to

get murdered. Murder?

Bill, sorry. You know, I could hypnotize Alfonso into forgetting all about you

if you want.

Since when do you know hypnosis?

I've always known hypnosis.

I've hypnotized everyone into thinking I'm 5 '6 and have red hair.

You are 5 '6 and have red hair.

I release you.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Okay.

All right, Bill.

For a second, you were a, uh... I was a what?

I can't remember.

We were talking about something... Oh, no.

Oh, yeah, you're gonna get murdered.

Have a great product to sell? I'm tired of your infomercial actors doing an

unconvincing job.

Call Infomercial Plus, and we'll set you up with an actor who is genuinely un...

Unable to complete even the simplest task. Like the man who can't crack an

The woman who struggles with blankets.

The man who is unable to cut this much fruit. I don't know what to do. We got

bananas. We got oranges.

Why do you need two different apples?

Come now. and choose from our extensive catalog of truly incompetent actors.

Like the man who can't start a lawn mower. The guy who can't stop bleeding.

old man who never puts a lid on his flowers. The woman who can't handle all

flour. The person who's constantly amazed.

The guy that's dead. The kid that spills all liquid.

Allergy boy. The man with the stinkiest apartment in the world. The guy that

can't grasp hoses. The man who can't grow grass. The girl with...

Ow.

Ow! I'm sorry.

Chris, calm down. It's like a pastel orange.

I don't even know what this is.

It's a great word, Chris.

So call Infomercial Plus today and add some plus to your infomercial.

With the magic of eggs.

Fuck.

Just drop one of those. Just one.

Now. This is too hard.

Don't. Fuck you.

You ready to prank this guy? Yeah.

The door was knocked, and yet nobody's here.

How odd.

Was there no one here?

Nobody.

What is going on today?

First supper, now this.

Supper? The pot roast.

It was bone dry.

I'm sorry. Sorry doesn't moisten beef, Deb.

Show yourself, Spillings.

Well, clearly they've returned to apologize.

Well, I get it now.

Wait!

You know,

if you ignore them, they'll stop.

Give me room to think, Deb.

Show yourselves, pranksters.

I'll find you, teens.

I'll find you.

Please tell me you didn't use our last wish.

I can't tell you that. The one we were saving to wish our invalid son out of

wheelchair? I used it to find the identity of the pranksters.

Wasn't those teens right there in the garden?

Yes, the genie already pointed that out, thanks, Deb. Oh, he's already pointed

that out. They were hiding behind a bush next to the stew. Sort of hard to see

if you're just standing there.

It's a good use of magic.

I tried to tell him not to use the wish on that particular request.

Oh, like you tried to tell him not to waste our first two wishes on that?

Come on, Deb. I wished myself a nice cat painting, and I needed the second wish

to make them sexy.

This is more important to you than our crippled son? Come on, Deb. He gets his

legs back. He's going to be running around town using and abusing drugs and

putting himself in women.

I don't think he should. Deb, this is great. Now that we know who they are, we

can prank them back.

What? Deb, come on, quick, go shit in a bag. We'll find out where they live.

I'll get a book of matches.

Okay, I'm not going to shit in a bag. Come on, Deb, when you said to love and

cherish, what you really meant was I will shit in a bag when the situation

demands it. Okay, that is nowhere in our vows. Deb, please!

Grab a brand, rub it in some water, let's do this! No, I'm going to eat!

A magic lamp!

A magic lamp!

Give me that!

I am the genie of the lamp. Since you freed me, I shall grant you three

We wish to have an invisible man knock on this dummy's door forever.

Grant it!

Would I?

Great snakes!

Where are you, you sneaky titties? Dad, I finished cleaning out the garage. Can

we use the last wish now?

Coke Rampage in 2014?

I don't even do Coke. Okay.

Let the games begin.

Oh, wow.

That's... Is this Coke?

Oh, man, I can't even feel my face right now. That's really good Coke.

I know it's springtime, but I'd say the forecast calls for a blizzard tonight.

High chance of flurries. I don't understand.

Bit of a snowstorm.

I don't get it. I'm gonna try your cocaine.

Oh, hey, what are you doing with that?

I, uh, just got a note from myself in the future saying I need this for a plot

twist later.

Kyle Dooley, please have my baby.

Ooh. Nice.

How's that even work?

Um, I don't know.

One night, I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.

As we walked, I noticed footprints in the sand.

Sometimes there were two sets of prints.

Other times, only one.

Farther back on the beach, I noticed a whole crowd of prints, as if a huge

had walked with Jesus and I.

Confused, I said, Lord, who made those prints?

What? Nobody.

The Lord laughed awkwardly.

Seriously, Jesus, I insisted.

Who joined us on our walk?

Sheepishly, the Lord came clean.

My child, as we walked, I became bored of your banal ramblings.

Curious to see if you could ever be interesting, I summoned different

of you from alternate universes.

Why, there was bird you and fish you and you with zippers for eyes and a button

fly for a mouth, and they were all dead boring.

To liven things up, I convinced Gorilla You to sleep with Lady You.

You, you found this quite disturbing, so I turned you into a hat and I wore you.

Shaken, I cried, Jesus, you said if I walked with you, you'd never forsake me.

Forsake you, my son, gasped Jesus.

No, I saved you.

When Nazi You tried to take over the beach and annex gay Jewish Gypsy You, I

sent everyone home.

And I was alone.

and truly bored.

But then I caught my reflection in a passing wave, and I laughed.

I forgot you were still with me, on my head, as the most interesting of hats.

A woven straw beret with a neck flap like a cloth mullet. Oh, my son, I could

never forsake you, for you are my favorite hat.

How am I gonna wake up?

Previously on Picnic Face.

You realize you created your own stalker, right? If you're going to get

murdered, it's nice to be murdered for love.

Maybe I'll be the popular one now.

Oh, Bill!

How are you so strong?

Guess who?

Alfonso? Bingo!

Alfonso!

Oh.

Okay.

So, uh, what are you up to?

Waiting for the bus. Awesome. I love buses.

Okay, good.

All right, there's something I need to talk to you about, and I hope that you

don't take this the wrong way. I'm going as you for Halloween.

Uh, yeah, so you already did the hair. Oh, yeah. You like it?

Don't touch mine.

Um, you are stalking me.

I'm not stalking you. I think you are. I'm just another one of your wacky

teenage fans.

How old are you?

I'm 15.

You're not, like, 30?

No, I'm 15. God, I'll be dead by the time I'm 30.

Because I will have finished everything I'm here to do.

Okay, um, it's just you've got a very big beard for someone who's... My dad's

American.

How would you feel if I asked you to please stop stalking me?

Okay. Okay, you see that thing that you're doing with your mouth where

mouthing the words that I'm saying?

Yeah, that thing right there. Right there. Right there.

That's a creepy thing.

You frighten me.

Please leave me alone.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, okay.

I'm... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm sorry.

That Halloween costume might need a jacket.

Think of it as sort of a going -away gift.

Going far, far away.

Awesome. Thank you. Enjoy the jacket.

Oh, hi, doggie. Hi.

Sorry, she doesn't usually get so excited. Oh, that's okay. That's okay.

Bailey, sit.

Sorry, I just went whenever she reacted. I had to check it out. Sure.

Okay, what is this?

Well, that's not mine.

Cocaine.

Mark? Come here with me.

Mark!

Going away for a long time, buddy.

Mark Little, I'm gonna murder you!

So in the end, it all worked out. Mark, you put that guy in prison. Don't you

think he's going to be a little bit angry?

He'll be in there for years.

Shh, the baby's sleeping.

How you doing, Kyle?

I'm great.

I can't believe you actually had that girl's baby.

Well, it is the future, Cheryl.

I guess it is.

Who's the future?

Who's the future?

You are.

Who's the future?

Who's the future?

Pretty you.

Oh, no.

Uh, Mark?

The letter where Alfonso says he's going to kill you, it's written on

Comberville Penitentiary letterhead.

I beat a baby.

Nice.

Please.

Christopher!

You call me Christopher!

Christopher. Christopher, please. Don't patronize me.

All right, let's work together here, okay?

Any fruit in front of you.

Are you fucking...