Original subtitles

Rub -a -dub, rub -a -dub, rub -a -dub.

So, today is my birthday, and my gang's taking me to karaoke. I'm super excited.

Hey, we're not coming, Ev.

He's joking.

Uh, y 'all, y 'all said you'd come.

Yeah, no, we changed our minds to Karaoke Stupid.

We're gonna do this puzzle instead.

A puzzle?

Hey, Ev, what song are you gonna do with karaoke?

Well, I don't know, Kyle.

Are you gonna do, uh, Karaoke Stupid, the song?

That's not a song. By artist?

What's wrong with karaoke?

Nothing. It's fine.

Right? It's you.

You just have a few really annoying qualities.

What? Like what?

You're called Pepsi Brown Pop.

It is Brown Pop.

You're afraid of everything. I'm not afraid of everything. You're afraid of

-flying planes, tree -sized test plants, bangs, your own bangs. I'm not afraid

of my own... Test him. Go ahead. I don't want to touch him.

It's mostly your accent. What? What?

Here, there it is.

Right there.

What accent? There.

There. Your accent. Yeah.

People just find it kind of crazy. I don't have an accent.

I don't have an accent. Exactly. I think your worst trait is the fact that you

burp and say excuse me and blend the two things together. Like, excuse me.

That's gross.

I don't have a fat face!

Nobody likes you.

Well, I guess that's my birthday.

I'll go to karaoke.

You will?

Yes.

But only because your life just makes me really sad.

I will take it.

Thank you.

My name is Scott, but I'm thinking about changing it from Scott to Scott,

dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, exclamation mark, so that when I

introduce myself, I'll say, hey, I'm Scott.

Denver was just a nightmare.

That airport they had there was just a pit.

I spent like 90 minutes waiting for my bag. There was a delay on the flight

between there and Houston, and it was just like... Are you all right?

When I was in high school, I had a friend, Pete, and he and I made this

little pact that if we both turned 30 and we weren't married, we would marry

each other.

Okay.

I turned 30 while you were in Denver.

I am here, Pete.

You should meet him.

Oh, hey, honey.

Ooh, how are you doing?

I'm good.

How are you?

How was your day?

It was good.

Pete, this is John.

Sorry, John. I thought your mustache was an eyebrow and your mouth was your eye.

Oh, honey. I found you something.

You're going to love it. I can't wait.

You married a homeless man, Diane?

Maybe I did.

It's not like you asked me to marry you. I didn't realize I was on the clock

against a crazy hobo. He's not a crazy hobo. His life took some weird turns

after high school.

But I made a promise. Nobody keeps the promises they make in high school,

If I did that, I'd be living in Amsterdam right now with Bodie and JJ.

talking about Bodie and JJ?

Yeah, you wouldn't know them.

Are they birds?

Bodie and JJ, I know are birds.

You'd like Bodie, John.

Oh, yeah. You guys would get along real well.

Diane, here it is, honey.

Is it half a shirt?

Mm -hmm.

Try it on.

Yeah, a guy was running by me with it on today, so I found it off him.

Give that a little try.

Oh, no.

Oh, I hope you don't mind. I strapped Thumpy on.

No problem.

You strapped your dog Thumpy.

He was back.

Somebody is Pierre's ghost alarm. Yeah, he's a good ghost alarm. He lets me know

if ghosts are sneaking up on me. You married a crazy person. Oh, it's okay,

okay. I've been called worse. Ask me by who.

Who, who has called you worse?

President Robert F.

Kennedy. There's no way this man knows any of the Kennedys.

Oh, I know all of the Kennedys.

John.

Bobby.

O'Toole.

Barry.

Susan.

Susan F. Kennedy.

She was a queen.

Hey, Pete. Oh, hey, Ralph. Diane. How are things?

Oh, Diane, is it okay if Ralph and I watch the game here tonight?

Sure. You know that TV doesn't work at all. Oh, that's okay. Figure something

out. Okay.

Okay.

Okay, they line up at center ice and the referee drops the puck and we are...

A Norway.

See you for two minutes, please.

Ooh, there they go. They're passing it through the neutral zone.

He passes it. Man, I love you. If this is about marriage, let's just get

married. Is this really the life you want?

Oh, that's a nice save.

Maybe it is.

Maybe all I've ever wanted is to witness life through the filter of an oddly

childlike hobo named Pete.

The place is lame.

Does everyone hate me?

What?

Why would you think that?

Scott's headed, like, right into my face.

Humanity?

No, to cheer you up.

What?

A duet of your favorite public domain song.

You did it?

I did.

Ebony and Cheryl, your time is gone.

Your time for singing.

I guess our time for singing has come.

You're ready.

Thank you.

What the hell was that?

Where's the other DJ?

Ebony and Cheryl, everybody.

Ebony and Cheryl.

They're out of here. Okay.

All right, coming up next is Jeff.

Is Jeff anywhere?

There you are.

It's air flute.

Air flute?

Yeah. There's no air flute, man. It's air guitar.

All right.

But I play air flute.

Hey, yo, I'm Manfest's friend, and I'm here to say, you're all invited to a D

.G. party.

It's a dog, P -A -R -T -Y, dog, P -A -R -T -Y.

So bring your chips and bring your dip, dog, P -A -R -T -Y.

Don't you break any hearts at that dance school of yours.

Mom.

It's the best we've ever seen.

It's the best anyone's ever seen.

I'm very sorry, Mrs. Newman.

But your son has been in a car accident.

He's paralyzed.

From the waist up.

He used to.

Can you dance, cripple?

He can't even move his upper body!

What you got, reverse paraplegic?

Here comes the clock, Dale.

Yeah!

Oh, it's a tilted swirl!

Was it you?

Did you?

Yeah!

How did you do this?

Did you do this?

If you have an infinite number of monkeys typing in an infinite number of

typewriters, one of those monkeys will write the perfect novel. It's a

mathematical fact.

But if we accept that, then we must also accept that another one of those

monkeys will write the perfect novel.

But the last line will be Oprah and Albert Finney ring crotch bells

IBM crotch crotch.

You pull up to a red light in your minivan and sigh, the weight of the

your shoulders.

A minivan?

How did you end up in a minivan?

You glance over and see a guy in a new Porsche.

He looks confident, cool.

He's wearing sunglasses.

You look down at what you're wearing. Little overalls, white knitted cap.

Heck, you've got to sit on a stack of phone books just to see over the

wheel. You catch a glimpse of your face in the mirror.

Yep. That's the face of a baby.

You start to think about all the decisions that led to this moment.

Getting married early, moving to the suburbs, buying the minivan, running

that gypsy's daughter, getting cursed to inhabit the body of a baby forever.

You look up and see the Porsche driver staring at you, talking on his phone.

He's probably calling the cops because he thinks a baby took off in his

minivan. You picture the next four hours of your life spent explaining to the

cops that yes, You're that baby, the one who was in all the newspapers, the one

who was cursed by the gypsy.

And as you think about this, the light turns green and you watch the Porsche

drive away.

Smooth, luxurious, Porsche.

Thank you so much. The kids had

a great time.

Do you have a business card? No, I don't.

Thanks. How did you do that?

Help me.

I'm sorry?

Yes.

Flip and pull.

Ebony, it was probably just a prank video.

A prank video? We were in it! Yeah, well, you can do anything with digital

editing these days, you know? Was this all some ploy?

What? Where you pretend to be my friend?

What? And then you stab me?

What? I don't know.

Okay, Ebony, if I was going to stab you, which I'm not. Okay. Okay, so cool it.

Hey, A, why would I tell you about it in a video that backed our karaoke duet?

And B, why would you put all that weird shit in there? I mean, Brian was a bird

and Andy was a... Chef?

I don't... Yeah, you're right. I know. It's just been such a weird day. Yeah.

Everyone's called me fat.

Well, you're not fat. Thank you. It's your birthday, so just be happy.

Can't wait.

Whoopee.

Just like nobody did anything.

Come on!

Ebony, I know what this looks like, but it's just a coincidence, okay? I'm not

going to stab you.

stabbed me okay you can't ask why no one likes you and then stab a person i'm

sorry at the work nobody likes you doctor

how's brian doing your friend seems to be stuck in slow motion

this

is awful

Did you guys at least finish the puzzle?

Almost. But we couldn't find the last piece.

Cheryl, no! What's happening?

Oh, my God!