Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Cheryl here.

We recently found out that Scott Roman used to be the host of a kids'

TV show called Boofy Rice Cakes.

Good titling. Job.

Boofy Rice Cakes.

Oh, man.

I thought maybe the guys at home should get to see it. But, yeah, I haven't seen

a clip in, like, ten years. Sure. Cool. That'd be fun.

Hey, Boofy. I'm having a pretty hard time with my math homework.

Anything you can do to help me?

Sure thing, Scott.

How about a soup?

Holy fuck! What the fuck, man?

Puppet's fucking ruined!

Where did you get that?

It's got like a million hits on YouTube.

That was never broadcast.

Oh, man.

There's so many remixes.

There's remixes? Oh, so many.

We would disagree with you hot million.

What was that a hamster? That wasn't. That was the best part.

That hamster.

Feel bad for him.

Why won't these pills work?

Just go to sleep, John.

Wee Willie Winky.

Fly down my chimney.

And put me to sleep.

Wee Willie Winky. And my menstrual.

Nighttime is for sleeping, you know. I just can't seem to drift off.

But in sleep, you can be a baseball player.

Or somebody's elbow.

Or kidnap a man.

What?

Kidnap a man.

With my moon dust, I put you to sleep.

What was that back there?

What was what?

The kidnap thing?

I don't know.

It's kind of creepy.

Yeah. You know we're working, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's go.

Yeah, I'll be there in a sec. I'm just going to tuck this guy in.

You know, it's weird how you do that.

Yeah, yeah.

One day I'll have a man of my own.

What are you doing?

Okay, that's good. Let's go now, please.

Yeah, I'll be there in a second. No, you won't. You'll come with me. No, I'll

meet you there.

No, you won't. If I go first, I'm going to get there first. Let's go now.

Fine, I'll go. Go on now.

Yeah, please. I would like that. Let's go. I'm waiting for you now. Oh, you're

waiting for me now? Yeah, like now now.

Let's go like now now.

Bear dance.

Bear, bear dance.

Bear dance. Bear, bear dance. It's a bear dance. Bear, bear dance.

Just like a square dance, but more like a bear dance. Get down for the bear

dance. Everybody!

Hey, everyone. I know we all had a good laugh earlier at me and boofy rice cake.

And I don't want to be a party pooper, but those kind of laughs come at an

expense. And that expense is my feelings.

I know it's a miracle that I am on television.

Party pooper. Rice cakes.

Party pooper. Rice cakes.

I do rice cakes. I do rice cakes. I do rice cakes. I

do. Miracle.

I know. Miracles.

I know. Everyone.

Everyone. Everyone.

How did that get remade?

I don't understand.

Please

don't

put that online.

I want to be booed. I want to be booed, booed, booed, booed, booed, booed,

booed, booed.

I'm going to go to the bathroom and hop right back, and I'd love to hear another

joke. Absolutely.

Tons. 27 of them.

We will be winky.

Hey. Hey.

We Willy Winky, Harpist.

How's it going?

Good, just on a date.

Nighttime is for sleeping.

Guys, this isn't my bedtime anymore. I'm 32.

It's late.

I haven't been on a date in a year. But I can see the moon.

Listen, man, I need this.

What was that?

You don't have any moon dust?

I saw...

You blew salt in her eyes?

Yeah, yeah.

I got a lot of thinking to do about you, man.

One day I'll have a man of my own. Can we just leave?

Yeah, let's go. I'm just going to take this salt. What are you going to use

salt for? I'm going to go salt this waitress. No, you're not. She gave me

She gave you lips so you're going to blow salt in her eyes?

Yeah. I'll check them out.

Susan, Susan, Susan is the lady's toy.

I'm adorable.

It's not easy being a man. The weight of the world dangling between your legs.

The responsibility is staggering.

Busy naked fighting.

Busy naked dancing.

Busy talking to lady catbirds.

Men barely have time to balance a candy dish on their dink anymore.

Luckily, we're not alone.

We've got ladies to help us. They help wash the ghost dishes.

They help negotiate with a naked butcher.

They even help pull off our wigs.

So be kind to our lady's men.

Don't hold her back. If she wants to fight someone, let her at them.

And also, make sure she has plenty of time in the changetoria to touch bums

friends. A happy lady will come rushing back with salad tongs, ready for a

loving sleeper hold.

Is everybody here?

Josh Young, Speaker?

Yeah. How's the weather in Chicago?

Oh, it's great.

Okay. If you like rain.

Alan Mitchell

was a co -worker and a senior network administrator.

I thought the best way to describe what Alan meant to us would be to use his own

words.

So I converted his cover letter.

for his resume into the past tense and the third person.

Alan had excellent communication and interpersonal skills. He proactively

to leverage his experience in network administration within the field of

at the branch level.

He was proficient with Microsoft Excel.

And as we see from this graph, Alan gave us some pleasure when he started with

us back in 94. This increased the much pleasure over time as we kind of got to

know him better.

But as we see here in the current year, he drops off quite sharply upon his

death.

Alan enjoyed acronyms as much as the rest of us.

So I made an acronym out of his name that I thought was appropriate.

Average.

Lazy.

Arrogant.

Nope.

Alan was one of three Alans in our office.

He was known as Alan number three.

And I asked him one day, Alan, you were the first Alan to start working here.

Why aren't you Alan number one?

And he just said, number three is fine.

It's fine.

All right. I think that's it.

Josh.

I'm Mitch Lafayette of Lafayette's Waterbeds and Office Supplies.

Ladies, are you recently divorced or single?

What you may need is a waterbed or some office supplies.

Whoa. A little too close. A little too close. Back up. Back up. Don't back up,

please. Back up.

What a game.

All right, boys.

$500.

A ball.

But I like their style.

Are you

tired of having to water all your plants by hand?

Yes. Don't you wish there was a product that could water all your plants for you

with the single press of a button? Yes.

A product so small it could fit in your pocket?

That sounds very nice.

What's the product?

All for just $29 .99?

What is it?

Hello? Are you still there?

Oh, no. Was this all in my mind?

Are you tired of hearing ad voices in your head?

Yes. Are you tired of not knowing whether you're in an infomercial? Yes, I

Are you tired? Yes.

Are you tired?

Yes. Are you tired? Who's there? Are you tired?

Hello? Are you tired? Are you tired? Who's there? Are you tired?

Oh, miss me? Are you tired? No. Are you tired? No.

I'm just messing with you. I'm your new neighbor. My name's Carl, but you can

call me God or Jesus, Satan and everything.

Not in your mind, and I'm you now.

all right

You got me charmed, baby boy, you're like a pagan mystic. You got me hot

the collar like a dragon's kisses.

Wanna take you for a ride on a moonlit night on two intangible steeds. Yeah,

we'll ride pegasuses. I wanna take you home and chain you to my radiator.

Wanna put some eggs inside you like an incubator. Which I know sounds strange,

even a bit deranged. But I've got a serious egg fetish, I'll explain that

I like eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.

I like eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs. I like eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs,

eggs. I like eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs. I like eggs, eggs, eggs,

eggs, eggs.

I like eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs.

I like eggs, eggs. In French, they're called oeufs. I like eggs, eggs, eggs,

I love you, boy.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey! Oh, jeez!

It's the harpist.

Hey. Where's Wee Willow Winky?

I don't know.

Look, listen.

My wife's in the hospital, and she's having a baby, so I'm trying to get

That's why I'm up here. My time is for sleeping.

I know it's for sleeping. It's just that I really need to get to the hospital. I

can see the moon.

Harpist, please. I am driving on a highway right now. Very fast.

Oh, my God. It's fingernails. Okay.

Harpist, please. I really, really can't go to sleep right now. So can you

please? I'm going to put you out. No. No. Do not put me out. Please. Do not.

What's this?

Car crash. Car crash? Did you do this?

He was up late.

I know he was up late, but that doesn't mean... Yeah, yeah.

This is not a yeah, yeah sort of thing. Yeah, I get it. Do you get it? I don't

know. I'm just going to go tuck this guy in.

No. What?

He doesn't need to be tucked in.

Why do you do that anyway? So you can have a man of your own?

I don't know.

I cannot believe I've put up with this for a thousand years.

I can't believe I've put up with you for a thousand years. Okay, you know what?

We're done. Find your own way back to Dreamland. How about that?

I'm about to dream. I'm going to crash at my friend Trevor's.

You are not going to crash at your friend Trevor's. I'm crashing at

No, you're not. You will not. He is a bad guy.

Trevor's fine.

Trevor is a pervert.

Accused. Convicted.

Yeah, but they haven't sentenced him yet. They haven't sentenced him. They're

just deciding how much time to give him. Well, so until that day, he's a free

man. He's a free man living in a halfway house, Harpist. Me and Trevor are going

to put a lot of people to sleep this weekend.

If I let you go get that body, will you come with me back to Dreamland? Okay,

thank you. Thank you very much. You're welcome. Thank you. Be quick, please.

Please, quick.