Original subtitles

And that's why you should never let gunk build up on your plates.

The end.

Well, read us another one, Grandpa.

Yeah, a good one this time.

Well, you didn't like the story of Mr. Rabbit's very clean plate?

I feel like I got it right away.

Your brother liked it.

I love bunnies dressed as people.

You would.

It had a pretty sweet moral.

That you should always clean your plate?

Yeah.

Keep your plates clean? I guess so. Well, there's books full of great tales

that. Mr. Badger's Dirty Laundry, Gary the Bear's Messy, Messy Cave, Cynthia

Minnow's Sloppy Pond.

What's this book about?

Oh, that right there is a very special book.

But you two wouldn't be interested in that. Why? Why? What is it?

That book right there is the tome of all stories.

Every yarn ever spun is contained within those pages.

Does it have magic? And romance?

And a gun?

Yes, it has all of those things.

Let's have a look at it.

Let's start here.

There was once a party. A very civilized party.

Yes. Really?

And the fog was rolling thick on the Karsten matter.

A group of friends had gathered for a very special occasion.

One of them was getting married.

Wow.

Thank you, friends, for being here on my last night as a single man.

I'm excited and honored to have you join me for my stag party.

Nobody get the lights. All right.

Nobody move.

Stanley's been murdered.

The first thing we must determine is what weapon was used to commit... It was

knife.

Ah, a clue.

Yes. A knife. Good.

Well done.

Thank you.

But even more importantly, the murderer must have been one of the people in this

room.

I'm sorry?

Oh, I just thought that was me.

You murdered him? Yeah, that's why I had the knife.

Uh, why?

Why? Yeah, why did you murder him?

Would you get back to me? You murdered a guy!

What's that in your back?

Is that a knife sticking out of your back? Ah, yeah, it is. Who stabbed you?

Yeah, who stabbed me? Who stabbed Barry?

You stabbed him, Belinda?

Why?

You don't know.

Why would you know?

Did anyone else get stabbed while the lights were out for four seconds? Right

here. Kevin?

Okay, who stabbed Kevin?

I stabbed myself.

Why am I not surprised, you idiot?

Let's just calm down for a second, okay, Clark? You're doing a great job.

Yeah, I think you're doing one... Shut up, Mavis! All right, let's just find

exactly what happened, all right?

So, Clark, I'm going to take that knife.

Okay, we're going to take it. So, Mavis, would you like to play Stanley? Okay.

Oh, a little role play.

The lights went out.

Then I took out my knife.

And then I just kind of... No, Mavis, step away. Do not walk towards the

Mavis. No!

No!

No, Mavis! What are you doing?

It's solved. Why would you will it? Kevin! No, Kevin!

I guess I'm being an idiot!

Oh, my God!

Everyone, stop!

You've been awful quiet tonight.

You hiding something?

No. Of course, there isn't anything I should know about.

Yeah. There it is.

Little dagger.

What better night to bring it out? A night when everyone gets stabbed. Mavis

dead now. Kevin's dead. Cool. This was supposed to be a special night for

Stanley. Now he's dead.

I even rented him a fun train. Stag is a joke.

Why are they making that sound?

We've got him some day.

We've got him what?

We've got him some day.

Yeah, add volume to the word you're saying at the end there. We fed him some

daggers. You fed him some daggers.

You two stay right there, because I'm calling the police.

Nope. I'm going to check this out first, because I have a sneaking suspicion

that... Yeah, okay.

That's what I thought.

Who stabbed the stripper?

What?

Why would you do that?

Wait. Stop. You didn't like the stabby murder mystery?

No.

Big softy.

All right, fine.

Let's try another one. This one's about burgers.

One burger and fries, please.

Wow, that's fast.

You think that's fast?

You should check out Nick J's. Nick J's food is so fast, you'll actually meet

yourself coming to order the food that you just ordered. It's that fast.

Hi, can I get... Ooh, thanks. That's fast.

Hey, you're me.

Yeah, I was just going to get some Nick J's. Yeah, here you go.

Thanks. That's fast.

Now there's two of us in the universe. Can't have that. What? See ya. Jesus,

no, no, no.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Hey.

You're me. Yeah, I was just going to get some Nick J's. Yeah.

Here you go. Thanks. That's fast.

Now there's two of us in the universe.

I don't want to kill myself.

You've got to kill yourself. Well, I don't want to kill myself. You have to

yourself. I'm not killing myself. Hey, you're me. Yeah. I was just going to get

some Nick J's. Yeah. Here you go. Thanks. That's fast. Now there's two of

the universe. Actually, there's three. This guy won't kill himself. What? Kill

yourself, man. I don't want to kill myself. You've got to kill yourself.

the gun. Put it in your mouth. I don't want to do that. Hey, you're me.

I was just... What the...

Fuck is going on? I don't want to kill myself. Quit. I'm not interested in it.

Put the gun in your mouth.

You're holding up the line. Dude, will you kill yourself, please? You know

Fucking kill yourself. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Fuck you. Fuck you.

Fuck this.

Nick J's.

It's temporal paradox fast. It's so fast that when you order your food at Nick

J's on the way out of the restaurant, you'll meet yourself coming to order the

food you just ordered. Nick J's.

Don't forget to kill yourself.

Don't forget to kill yourself.

Don't forget to kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself,

yourself, kill yourself.

That wasn't a story.

Sure was.

Oh, that was an ad for burgers.

Hmm? Yeah.

I don't see how that would sell anything either.

There you go. It was the story of an unsuccessful advertisement.

Picnic Faces, the tome of all stories, will be back after these messages.

All right, let's see. I got another one here that you'll both enjoy. It's a

story about pants.

Pants? Pants!

Are they dangerous pants? No, they're not. You're such a...

No, just pants, okay? Take it or leave it. Going once, going twice. We'll take

the pants story. All right, sold.

Here gets your pants story.

This story takes place in an apartment.

Oh, is it like an enchanted apartment or anything? It's just a normal apartment,

yes. Can I begin now? Can I please begin?

There was a bunch of dudes hanging out in an apartment.

Having a very civil discussion about pants.

Oh, I got one. One time, my girlfriend asked me if her pants made her look fat.

What'd you say? I said no, but what I really meant was sort of.

Nice!

Oh,

yeah! Yes!

Oh, I remember her looking sort of fat in those pants.

That's a shame, because those were nice pants.

Those were nice pants.

There was one time I was seeing this girl, right?

And I told her that I was really into her, but I really wasn't into her. I

lied to her so that I could get into her pants.

And then after I borrowed her pants, I fucking dumped her.

Suck it, girl.

What's up?

Pretty cool, eh?

Yep.

Where did you pick up those?

Uh, you know, I gilded my girlfriend out of them. You're beautiful.

Those are nice pants.

I love ladies' pants.

Pants. Pants. Pants. Pants. I like ladies' pants. I like ladies' pants.

I like ladies' pants. I like ladies' pants. Do you want my pants? Oh, yes, I

girl. Do you want my pants? On my lower part.

Do you?

Oh, girl, I do.

I now pronounce you man and lady's man.

Those are some great pants.

Do you want my pants? I don't. Do you want my pants?

I'm willing to take them by four.

I'm going to rip those pants off your body, girl. I'll take them for myself.

Okay, get ready.

So there you go. You got your pants story. Are you happy now?

Oh, you kids don't know anything about stories anyways with your video games

your TV games.

Back in my day, television was called books.

Why?

That's confusing.

Yeah, wouldn't books have been called books?

Very funny. You guys want me to read you another book? Because I got a hardcover

back here. It's called A Swift Beating with a Hardcover Book.

Sorry, Grandpa.

That's more like it.

Now may I proceed, or would you two rather drive your grandfather to an

grave?

I could keep going. I could keep going, I guess.

I noticed your hesitation.

I didn't like it.

This next story begins with a group of young dudes gathered at a patio bar and

grill. Hey, to Miller.

Best damn friend a guy could ask for.

They're here.

Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug.

Chug. Chug. Chug. Chug.

Yeah! That was great. Oh, thanks.

Fight.

Fight. Fight.

Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.

Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.

Stop.

Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Yeah!

Stop.

You have to stop. Oh, what?

Just, it really seems like every story in this book begins with a group of

dudes. Well, at least half of them is a group of young dudes.

One of them starts with once upon a time. Well, once upon a time, a group of

young dudes, et cetera, et cetera. It says in the bibliography here that it

written in large part by a group of young dudes.

More stories about young dudes when we return after these messages.

This next story begins with three young dudes approaching a haunted house. Are

you kidding me? The haunted house was terrifying, and they needed to have a

means to decide who goes into it first.

I guess we'll just have to inky pinky ponky for it.

All right, do it up, Matt. All right.

Inky pinky ponky, daddy bought a dog.

What's that?

Don't you know about Brad's dad?

What happened to your dad?

I don't have one. His dad left him and his mom.

I'm super sorry, man.

Thanks. That means a lot. You know, I just have the pizza.

I don't want to win the pizza like that.

Yeah, for sure.

I'll change it to Mommy.

Hi there, Mommy.

Yeah, okay.

No worries. Okay.

Inky pinky ponky, mommy bought a donkey.

God.

Donkey?

I don't have a donkey, thank you very much. Most people don't have donkeys.

mom can't afford to buy a donkey since his dad left.

We can play a different game.

No.

We're playing this game.

He doesn't want your pity.

Okay, if he's going to win this pizza, he's going to win it fairly.

Okay. All right. I'll make it fork.

Okay.

Okay.

Fork. Okay. Sure.

Inky pinky ponky, mommy bought a fork. Thank you.

Fork died.

Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. What?

Fork? When his dad left, he took their collection of antique dead forks. Matt,

God. He took all of them. It doesn't make any sense.

Sometimes life doesn't make any sense. None of this makes sense. We're in an

industrial kitchen.

We're supposed to go to a haunted mansion. When his dad left, he took all

ghosts from the mansion. Oh, shut up.

Okay? Why are we dressed like this?

What? We look like eight -year -olds. This is way too small for me. You knew

uniform when you signed up for the hoodie cap gag.

And what's this girl doing here?

It was supposed to be you, me, and a dude. Three dudes going to a haunted

mansion. And why aren't you eating one piece of pizza?

I'm hungry. Nope.

Enough. I can't do this.

What is it this time? That story was barely a story. It's a fine story.

Okay, what's the premise?

The premise is that in order to make a decision, three dudes have to employ a

classic rhyming game.

You're looking at me with these dead eyes, and I feel like I'm telling a hot

story from a hot tome right now, and I'm not getting any goddamn respect out of

you two little turds. It seems like you're really grabbing at straws. I am

grabbing at straws. That story wasn't hit.

Even I thought it was kind of dumb.

Even he thought it was kind of dumb. What does he know? He's just a big fat

bozo. You know, given the option, I think I'd rather go back and look at

the earlier stories. No!

You must not do that. That is the one rule of the tome. But it's easy. We just

have to flip the pages. No, please don't do that, children. Children, do not do

that, children. No!

Ah, well.

Where are we?

We're in the story.

Hey, you're me.

Yeah, I was just going to get some McChea's.

Yeah, here you go.

Thanks. That, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Be careful with that little girl. What?

Why? Just tell us what you want.

I want those burgers.

These burgers?

Yeah!

I'm so sorry.

Thanks for the burgers.

Bye.

And then after I borrowed her pants, I fucking dumped her. Yeah!

Cut to me.

Whoa. Who are you?

Who am I?

Andy. Nice pants, bro.

Yeah, thanks.

Okay. What do you want?

I want your pants.

I'm really sorry.

Bye. See you, jerk!

I don't recognize this story.

Me neither.

Where are we? I don't know.

Hey, you guys background?

We're kids.

Sweet and muffin.

Nice pants, kid.

Oh, thanks. They're new.

Pretty awesome.

Oh, man, I needed this.

Hey.

Give me that muffin.

No, I'm eating it.

Please give her that muffin.

There's a bowl full of them.

But I want that one.

But you can't have it because I'm eating it.

Give me your muffin.

Oh,

come on! Oh, my God, you shot him.

Brian? Brian?

What do kids do?

Hello?

Is anybody there?

You have reached the end of all stories.

All that is left is a tale of a grandfather reading to his grandkids

group of young dudes.

Did you do the premium membership thing? Yeah, I think so.

What was that?

Brian? Brian?

What did you kids do?

Mark? Did you see those kids?

No. They were there and they just disappeared.

I don't see them. I think they shot Brian. Oh my God. Brian?

Brian?

Is he okay?

He's dead.

Ah.

Oh my God.

Okay. Well, let's shoot my Weekend at Bernie sketch.

Brian is dead, Mark.

Yeah, and we've only got like 20 minutes left on the screen screen.

Crew's all here.

Let's shoot the sketch.

Nobody calls 911 until we shot the sketch.

Then we can make all the calls we want.

Okay? 20 minutes?

Okay, uh, fine.

Why don't you guys just switch characters? Brian can play Bernie, and

can put... No, no, no. I wrote the sketch. I'm Bernie.

You two are the teens.

Brian is dead. Can we at least maybe switch him out with another Picnic Face

member who's alive?

Brian wanted to be in this sketch.

He's in the sketch. You two are the teens. I'm Bernie. Start sketch.

And so Andy tried to lift up Brian and Bernie. I don't even know who I'm

to anymore.

The kids are gone and it's just me here.

Don't even have the book.

Damn it.

Is he going to be okay, Doctor?

Actually, we generally don't treat dead people. Yeah, he did.

I told you, Mark.

Frankly, I'm surprised you got him past the front desk.

He's been dead for quite some time. That smell, that's him.

Yeah, that's ridiculous.

I'm sorry, we would have admitted him earlier, but we had to finish that.

We're not talking about it, though. We don't talk about it.

Talk about what?

I'm not in the... Oh, we're just talking about the business show.

We already did the meta thing. Now this is like... I'm sorry, what... We're

coming back out, so... What level of meta are we at right now?

Third? I don't know, because we did a sketch.

Inside of a sketch, and you're playing a doctor.

Yeah. But you're yourself. I don't even know anymore, and Brian's not...

Dead? Brian's dead. Is he dead? No, I'm not dead. He's not dead. What? Okay,

what? All right.

And you're actually pretending to be real? And I... Are you really freaked

by it? I... Yeah.

Are you really freaked out? Yeah, I am. Or are you just being... I thought he

was dead. No, you didn't. What about those two kids?

What two kids? The kids that shot him. Yeah, the kids that shot him.

Bill and Ebony in wigs. Yeah, that's what... What?

Yeah, don't even... That's a camera right there. I'm looking down the lens

now. That's a camera.

That's a boom mic right there. Those are some lights, and that's the crew right

over there, man.

You should be more convincing.

Be more convincing. Be more like you're really, really...

Just be real freaked out. Bring it back in.

I'm the doctor.

You're emotional.

You're dead.

None of this is real. Go.

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