Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Talbot.

No, you didn't... Just a little bit faster.

Just a little bit faster. Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Talbot.

Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan... Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Talbot.

Faster, faster, faster. Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Talbot. Let's, hold

a little higher. No, just down.

Ladies and gentlemen... Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan... Wait, just...

gentlemen, Jordan Talbot.

Hey, Jordan, what's up?

Nothing.

So,

throughout the episode, you're gonna see Jordan in a bunch of sketches and

some... bumpers, and he may even be featured in the sketch.

This next sketch shows you why it's good

to have friends that are real.

Here's the imaginary friend.

There. Our sandcastle's all done.

Think you need the moat? I don't know, man. Building sandcastles sucks. And

these imaginary battles are boring.

It's my imaginary friend, Pickles. He's a... Hey, guys! You better build your

moat fast!

You're gonna have to defend yourself from all these... Wow!

Hey! Let's play Tick -Tick -Tock!

How do you play?

What's easy!

Tick -Tick -Tick -Tock! Tick -Tick -Tock! Tick -Tick -Tock! Tick -Tick

Tick -Tick -Tock! Tick -Tick -Tock!

Yay!

This is... Wow,

Pickles is awesome!

I know, right?

Hey, do you have any imaginary friends?

Nope. Really?

Come on, everyone has imaginary friends. Look, just don't say that word too

loud, okay?

Did somebody say imaginary?

I could have sworn I heard somebody say that word. Who are they?

My imaginary Jewish grandparents.

Look at you, you're filthy.

Look, you got all this schmutz in your child's beard.

Who is this?

Some sort of a gay cat?

Well, I am a cat.

Well, he's a cat. Yeah, it's a gay cat.

Well, I respectfully disagree.

Are you talking back to my wife?

No, I was just respectfully disagreeing. Now I feel upset.

You're always upset. You're always yelling. That's how you drove away

our real imaginary son. I have no real imaginary son!

We're just trying to have a good time. Please stop.

Hey, check this out!

Boots! Tiny boots! Who'd wear those?

No one. Yeah, nobody. No one cares.

Anyway, let's get you out of here.

I don't want to go. Go. Okay.

See you later, buddy!

Bye. Oh,

yeah? Oh, you're so dramatic.

Drama is all I have. I'm an imaginary Jewish grandfather.

Do you still have any...

Hey, Pickle, where do you go when you're not with me? Hell.

What? Want to see a half second of hell?

Hey,

Brett, how's it coming?

Great. Settled in okay?

Yeah, I'll settle in.

Just had a couple of changes to the report you handed in there. Could you

folder on your desktop there? Just some procedural things. I understand there's

a learning curve and you're new here. We like to have all headings bolded and

italicized. And we only use Helvetica font here. Keeps things light and

informal. No serifs? No problem.

Little saying we have.

And could you actually sit up straight?

in your chair.

We have another saying here. Bad posture is generally considered to be inferior

to good posture. B -P -I -G -C -T -B -I -T -G -P.

Just remember the word, B -P -I -G -C -T -B -I -T -G -P.

B -P -I -G -C -T -B -I -T -G -P. B -P -I -G -C -T -B -I -T -G -P. B -P -I -G -C

-T -B -I -T -G -P. B -P -I -G -C -T -B -I -T -G -P.

B -P -I -G -C -T -B -I -T -G -P. Good.

One more thing I need to show you. Could you open the January spreadsheet there?

Sure. When you answer in the affirmative, instead of saying sure,

please say yeah with a sharp inward gasp?

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Good.

Keeps things consistent with everyone else. You don't want to stick out as the

new guy, eh?

No. No.

No. No.

No. No.

Now, I do notice you have the top button of your shirt undone, so I'm just going

to get this for you.

Okay. Just going to tighten your tie.

I'm just going to kind of keep tightening.

You're going to lose consciousness temporarily.

And I'm just going to take out some lipstick and just put it on your lips.

Okay, here we go.

Great.

Yeah, it looks good. It looks pretty.

Yeah, you like to be pretty, eh? I'm just going to touch your face a little

now. That's a good face.

That's a professional face.

Hi,

I'm Jordan Talbot. I'm the winner of the picnic face contest, and you're

watching a very special episode.

Hi there, we're Sandra and Judy, two -thirds of the famous singing Winslet

triplets, and my stars do we have a treat for you.

That's right, Sandra, we are back after a 10 -year hiatus, and we are so pleased

to be able to offer you a greatest hits package, the likes of which you have

never seen.

So let's all put on our guitar shoes and take a strum down memory lane.

On this three -disc compilation, you'll find some of your favorite Winslow

Triplets songs, including our early hits like Sandra, Judy, and Bonnie.

Unbreakable Tri -Bone. Triple Three. Three Cheers for Triplets. Tri -Fun -ta.

We've even included some honky -tonk treasures from our sophomore album.

Three girls, two guitars. That's not enough guitars. Bonnie needs an

and an attitude adjustment.

Three's a crowd. Two might be better. One of us is allergic to bees. Guess

one of us is allergic to bees. Bonnie's allergic to bees. There's a bee in her

bonnet. There are 20 bees in her bonnet. Her bonnet is taped to her head. Bee

death. Sorry, Mom. Success twin.

Unbreakable double bond.

And if you order right now, we'll even throw in our brand new album.

New albums? One for the money where you'll find these. Good time party jam.

Breakable bombs. Unicycle dreams. Too many for a solo tango. Serious

Now.

And keep your eyes peeled for my upcoming album.

Feeling kind of lonely.

Including somebody sure to be featuring.

What have I done?

Sisters need sisters.

Going to the bridge. Nice view from here.

I wonder how high up it is.

Sorry, Mom.

Honky -tonk remake.

For your copy of the Winslow Triplets discography, call 1 -000 -555 -WINS and

have your credit card information ready.

Okay, we've got the fan here in the north end of Halifax outside of a family

residence. What are you cheering for today?

I don't know! Help me!

Okay, back to you, Trevon.

Oh, hey, right on. You guys listen to Hawaiian pop music?

Yeah, what of it? Oh, cool, man. You got any Don Ho?

Tiny bubble.

I love that stuff. Well, get the hell out of here with that watered -down Don

bullshit. This is real Hawaiian pop music. Tell him, Jamie!

This is a mixtape I made.

Sonny Chillingworth.

Lendward Ka 'apana.

Give him hell, Jamie!

Why don't you take Don Ho's dick out of your ear and come back when you're ready

to listen to some real Hawaiian pop music.

Boom, Jamie, boom!

Let's murder this guy!

Hawaiian pop music.

Each year, thousands of teens fly off the handle in defense of real Hawaiian

music. But have you ever wondered how Hawaiian pop music is made?

Where does it come from? And how is it made?

To find out, let's take a little trip to Hawaii on the Hawaiian Island Travel

Toboggan. Ready, Travel Toboggan?

Here. Aristocrats are busy picking Hawaiian pop music leaves.

They'll listen to each leaf, and if it sounds fresh and interesting, they'll

it in a basket marked, Real Hawaiian Pop Music. If it sounds watered down and

boring, they'll put it in another basket marked, Don Ho.

The leaves are delivered to chemists who boil them into a sweet liqueur, which

then becomes CDs of all your favorite Hawaiian pop music bands, including

Heavens, JoJo Snickers, The Happiest Man in the World, and The Bernhoff.

We're the Bernhoff. We love that real Hawaiian pop music. Not that weak sauce

downhill bullshit.

We're the Bernhoff.

But where do the Hawaiian pop music leaves come from? To find out, let's

trip to heaven.

Yes, God makes the leaves.

Each morning, he makes ten Hawaiian pop music leaves by waving his heaven wand,

which emerges from his beard, making God look like a bit of a beard unicorn.

Why does he take the time out of his day to make the leaves?

I love Hawaiian pop music, man. The real shit. Not that Don Ho weak sauce FM

radio bullshit.

Man, why'd I make Don Ho in the first place, man? That guy's weak sauce.

Beard unicorn!

But where does God come from?

From a witch's fist.

So you can thank the space witch for that classic Hawaiian pop music sound.

You're welcome.

Pretty cool, huh?

Yo, you say we overreacted? Are you kidding me, Jamie?

That guy had shit tape, Jamie!

Boom, Jamie, boom!

They call me Lenny, I'm from the kook. Everybody wants to say what a goof, but

you know what they mean. They just can't be me, and that's why they're all so

easy to pick on, make fun of, laugh at. If they want, I'll just call them all

fat. How about I say something meaner? I got a father and you just got a beaner.

I got a father and you just got a beaner.

I got a father and you just got a veener. I'm the cool one and you're just

I got a father and you just got a veener. I got a father and you just got

veener. If they want, I'll just call them all fat.

Call them all fat. I got a father and you just got a veener. That means I'm

and you're just a loogie. Maybe you are and maybe you're not.

Loogie.

I got a father and you just got a veener. I got a father and you just got

veener. If they want, I'll just call them all fat.

I'll call them off.

Big fight, big fight, big fight, Jordan. Big fight.

Okay, go. Get out of there, Mark.

Hey, what exactly happened to you? I don't know.

It's like a puzzle I have to solve in reverse.

I don't know where any of the clues are.

Please. I was a family man. I've lost everything. I haven't stopped cheering

eight years.

Well,

there you have it. Back to you, Tangerine.

Next sketch, sure for all you friends of mine, is Big Brother.

Mr. Leader, the Big Brother campaign was perfect for your government in 1984

because you needed to strangle the populace with fear. But it's not 1984

anymore.

The campaign has lost its impact.

People are tired of fear.

They're depressed.

Big Brother needs a fresh image, a new attitude. What about a softer Big

Brother? Check this out.

Oh, that's nice.

And what says Big Brother better than... Oh, oh, a little sis.

Now I know what you're thinking. Big Brother, little sis, where's the rest of

the family?

May I introduce Mama Brother.

Mama. Cool Tony.

My man.

Uncle Akra.

Catchphrase. And that wacky neighbor, Mr.

Kim. Calm down, Mr.

Kim. So, what do you think?

Well, thank you, gentlemen, but I don't think we're going that direction.

Oh, well,

we understand.

All right, if you could just exit through that door on the left, that

fantastic. We actually came in through this door over here.

Yeah, I know. I'm just going to need you to leave through the door on your left.

I left my car running. Just go through the door marked Bears. Thank you.

I take my leave of this world knowing I won't be missed. At least I know I won't

have to wake up and ain't anymore.

Sign,

Sandy Booth.

I am the genie of the gun.

Since you've freed me, I shall grant you free wishes.

I don't want any wishes. I just want to die.

Come on, man.

Wishes can turn your life around.

You know what I mean?

And you could have anything.

Is it girl trouble?

Throw a wish my way? Make someone fall in love with you, you know? Do some

things?

No. Won't be, like, weird if I wish her into liking it. You know what I mean?

No, I don't want that. Wish for a nice pair of suede shoes.

Or maybe a suede bowler hat.

Who knows? Maybe a swath of raw, uncut suede.

Yeah, no, I don't want any of those things. So, um, goodbye.

Hey, wait!

What the hell?

I thought maybe you had low blood sugar. Have a nibble. Might pull you out of

the dumpy dumps. I don't want to eat a chocolate bar. Man, you got low blood

sugar written all over you. I don't want any chocolate. Have a bite. Trust me on

this one. You'll feel better immediately.

I really don't think me eating a chocolate bar is going to help me with

this, okay? Sugar has a lot to do with how a human feels on a moment -to

basis. I don't want your chocolate bar! Just eat the fucking chocolate bar and

be cool, and then we'll chat. Why don't you eat the chocolate bar if you want it

so much? I will.

Faster than you can blink.

Yeah, okay, how...

Oh, goodness.

What? What?

What?

Shit. Not worth the price of admission.

Well,

that was pretty fat.

Was it?

Okay, you know what?

What are you doing? I'm going to slit my wrist.

Hey, wait.

Cool bracelet.

Is this an anti -cancer bracelet? You got it, man. Yeah. I don't have cancer.

You want it?

No.

Oh, help me.

What?

Why did you put me through chemo? I'm not God. I can't just cure cancer.

What are you doing with that coaster?

I'm going to electrocute myself.

You'll have a hard time doing that with a psychologist.

Now, why do you want to kill yourself, Sandy?

Will you get rid of this guy? You got it.

Stop it!

Stop it! Stop! Stop!

Stop! Okay.

I didn't mean give him cancer.

I didn't give him cancer. I just made him bald and then just riddled him

AIDS.

What are you doing?

Suede! Suede!

That's top quality suede, man.

Nope. Don't.

Suede juice.

Why do you like suede so much? Why? Yes!

Why?

Why?

Let me tell you why I do this.

Help me. Please. No.

When a genie dies, he goes to hell, man. You can't.

Gun Genie, this five minutes ago on here, here, here.

Here for the bear room.

Here to apply for the bear room.

Uh, you know you're actually, uh, there are real bears in there.

Yeah, as you see on my resume, certified bear.

It's quite clear that you're not an actual bear. I mean, I can, I can see

hands underneath those claws there. That's, it's a, this is a fairly

unconvincing costume.

It's a real, uh, tough job market, so.

You know what? All right, fine. You're hired.

Right.

Hey, Jeff.

Working with you?

Um,

let's, uh, let's quickly do, we're gonna have you wrap up the show, okay?

Sorry, we're just really pressed for time. No problem. We gotta go.

What? We gotta go. I just gotta do one. We gotta do one more. We're just like

five. Just give me five minutes. No, we gotta move on. Viv, can you just give me

two minutes, please?

No. No. Jordan, just stand. Don't listen to him. Just stand there. Just stand

there. Just stand there. Okay? Jordan, you're doing great. Okay?

Sorry. Just a second, for fuck's sakes.

Shut up. Shut up.

Sorry. Sorry, man. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Jordan, it's awesome. Jordan, just stand in the camera.

I'm not Viv. Just give us a second. If you would actually shut up for a second,

he could say the line.

If he could just, like, just actually do it.

Please stand in the... I don't mean to... I'm not yelling at you, man.

doing fantastic.

Holy fuck.

Just... Yeah, just... Okay, it's good. Just look right at the camera. And don't

listen to this guy. Just don't listen to Viv. Just look right at the camera,

okay? I want you to just hold the tiger, please.

Just hold the tiger.

Just hold the fucking tiger and just... Fuck! Guys, shut up! Everybody, just get

the fuck...

Jesus fucking Christ. You people.

Don't listen to him. No.

Just get the line. We have one minute on the card. Get the line.

Go for it. Action. This was an awesome show, guys. Thanks a lot.

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