Original subtitles

# Stick a pony in me pocket

# I'll fetch the suitcase from the van

# 'Cause if you want the best 'uns but you don't ask questions

# Then, brother, I'm your man

# 'Cause where it all comes from is a mystery

# It's like the changing of the seasons and the tides of the sea

# But here's the one what's driving me berserk:

# Why do only fools and horses work? #

(SIRENS WAIL IN DISTANCE)

(ALARM SOUNDS)

(WHIRR OF HELICOPTER BLADES)

Your jet—copter's arrived, Raquel. I'll summon the maid.

I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling.

How long's he gonna be in there?

Don't rush, sweetheart. He's doing an important deal

with President Reeves in Washington.

President Reeves?! Really?

(LIFT PINGS)

There you are, Rodney! Damien phoned for you hours ago.

The State Transportation workers are on strike.

On strike? But Damien's made strikes illegal.

Yes. The police were shooting them as I left.

Damien wants to see me urgently?

Mmm. I'll take you through.

(DAMIEN) Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've heard it all before. Au bonnet de douche.

Bonnet de douche!

All I'm saying, Mr President...

Oh, shut up, you tart!

Listen, Keanu. You sit in the White House, twiddling your thumbs.

People are beginning to see through you.

What's wrong with going to war with China? War is good.

What a boy, eh? What a boy!

Of course millions will be killed.

War without death is like salad without watercress.

You worry too much. I've got a busy night. Make the declaration tomorrow.

What's going on? I ordered a messenger an hour ago!

He's here, Damie. Damie, he's here. Look, there.

Uncle Rodney!

(THEME FROM "THE OMEN")

I want you in Beijing for the war. Report back to me.

War?

- I don't want to go to war. — War is good.

- I don't want to go to war. — What would Uncle Albert say?

- I don't know. - we'll ask him, then.

(SAILORS' HORNPIPE PLAYS)

During the war... During the war...

During the war... During the war...

During the war... During the war...

oh.

- You rang, Your Lordship? — Cassandra? What are you doing here?

Damien took over my bank and fired me.

Now I'm the maid.

— It's a job, Rodney. - No. This isn't fair.

Rodney.

It's not right. You shouldn't be doing this.

— Rodney... - You've messed everything all up.

— Rodney. - I want it how it used to be.

Rodney!

Rodney!

Rodney!

Rodney!

Rodney!

Rodney!

Rodney, wake up, you dipstick!

Oh! Good, it was a dream.

Have you been smoking that Rastafarian Old Holborn again?

I just drifted off for a while.

- I had the wildest dream! — What about?

Sunshine and birdies going "Tweet— tweet"?

OK. Sorry. So, what's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening!

We have bought 150 Latvian radio alarm clocks

that go off whenever they bloody well like!

We also have 200 aerodynamic cycling helmets

that turn out to be horse riders crash hats some git has sprayed red.

And a box of baseball caps that even ET7 fans wouldn't wear.

Also, my home improvement grant has been rejected.

— Apart from that, everything's fine! — Thank God. All normal.

Raquel, there's a letter for you.

why are you falling asleep so early in the morning? Don't you sleep at home?

You know my situation. It's Cassandra and this baby thing.

The hospital's got another schedule for us.

- I'm at it like a rattlesnake! - I thought that was your ambition.

Some people dream of singing "La Traviata" at the Opera House.

Doesn't mean they want to sing it three times a night!

- That would make your throat sore! - Yes!

They put her on a special diet.

The gynae... The gynaecologist reckons it's only a matter of time,

but Cass is getting broody. I got her a rabbit.

Rabbit? Part of her diet, is it?

No, a pet rabbit for her to make a fuss over.

- I know it was a stupid idea. — The hospital's passed the tests?

Yeah. This is personal. I don't want it broadcast.

Course not. Who's gonna listen? Have you had her tubes looked at?

Yes! Good God! Everything's fine, we just can't crack the case.

Every day I take specimens to the clinic.

It's all to do with ovums and...things.

The hospital keep showing me this film, "Inside the Human Body".

It don't half put you off, Del!

Yeah, I should think so. Give me "Debbie Does Dallas" any day!

Anyway, we'll have breakfast and go down the market.

— Fancy a boiled - No! oe?

Del, can I ask a favour?

Yeah?

Can I have this afternoon off?

— Are you booked in for a seeing to? - No, no, no.

We're having a celebratory lunch 'cause it's my birthday.

Your birthday? Oh, & la bruschette!

Your birthday. I forgot all about it, didn't I?

In that case, the answer is "No"!

You wouldn't expect Richard Branston to want the afternoon off.

He don't even know it's my birthday.

Not yours. I mean if it was his birthday!

No, "cause he'd be too busy down the financial fast lane.

He wouldn't be out just "cause it's his birthday.

OK, then.

Course you can have the afternoon off! It's your birthday!

I bet you thought I'd forgot.

There's your cards, birthday boy.

That one's from Damien.

Ah, bless him!

Don't worry about those for now. Take a look. That's a present from me.

And Raquel.

It's a chunky gold identity bracelet.

I can see that.

It's just like mine, Rodney. Look!

24—carat gold. No rubbish. Look, it's even got your name on it.

"Rooney"?

No, no. That says "Rodney".

It says "Rooney". There's an "o" where the "d" should be.

No, it's a "d". It's just copperplate writing.

- Oh. — Go on, put it on!

Right.

I don't want you getting over—emotional on me.

No, all right, then.

— Morning, Rodney. - Hello, Raquel.

— What's that? — A chunky gold identity bracelet.

"Rooney"?

- No, "Rodney". — It's "Rooney". That's an "o".

No, it's a "d". It's copperplate writing.

Looks like "Rooney" to me. Where'd you get it?

- It's your birthday present to me. - Oh, it's your birthday.

— Sorry. Happy birthday, Rodney. - Thanks.

Del chose it. I didn't know. Where is he?

In the kitchen. The council have refused his application for a grant.

— Maybe they didn't have £500,000! — What does he want to do?

Who knows? Put an extension on the balcony and build a double garage!

No, au contraire. I just wanted £5,000 to improve the kitchen units.

— That's fair enough. — Get real, Rodney!

He wasn't putting new units in. He just wanted the five grand.

The council would check he'd done the work.

All you do is give them an 18—month sob story and they forget about it.

They're too busy organising carnivals and things.

I don't want to discuss it 'cause now it's epidemic.

— Who's the letter from? - I dunno yet.

Look at this! Gits!

— Morning, Damien. — Dad got me a new hat.

It's a cracker!

My dad gets me everything.

D'you wanna play war?

- No. I'm a bit busy. - You've got time for a little battle.

No, I'm all right, honest.

You stay there, chap. I'll get your cereal.

When I'm older, will people still wear baseball caps?

People will wear whatever you tell them to!

Oh, cool!

(ALBERT) Little git!

I fought for this country and how do they treat you?

It ain't bloody fair.

Your socks look like the bomb squad's been at them.

If Cassandra gets pregnant I'll have two of the sods banging on my head.

Oi, what do you know about that?

Nothing at all

What's an ovum?

Were you listening to me and Del's conversation?

I wasn't listening. I just heard.

Don't worry. I'm saying nothing.

Left, right, left, right, left, right. Squad, attention!

Morning, Admiral! Be careful when you collect your pension today.

— There's a gang of muggers about. — They don't worry me, son.

I boxed for the Navy. They called my left hand "Trotter's Trembler".

I wonder what they called your right hand!

Rodney, come on, quick. Let's go!

— What's the hurry? — Just let's go, Rodney.

— Shall I load the van? - No, no time for that.

I gotta take the Capri in for a tuning and meet a bloke down the market.

Get out of here.

See you later!

- Why's he in such a hurry? - I dunno.

Oh, no, not again!

(MULTIPLE ALARMS RING)

Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said when she gave me this?

Yes. Trigger, you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal.

No, she said, "I thank you on behalf of the council

"and the people of Peckham."

Morning, Sid. What do you fancy?

— A cheese roll. — One cheese roll

— I still find it hard to believe. —Sodol

Medals for road sweepers? They'll give Del an award for good taste next!

— Morning, all — Morning, Del.

Thank God you've arrived. He can bore you two with it now.

— What's that? — Trigger's got a medal.

- Where'd you find that, then? - No, I was awarded it. Look.

A picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray.

That's me.

Oh, that's you, is it, Trig? I'm glad you cleared that up (!)

Let me have a look at that, Trig.

Right, so that's Councillor Murray, is it?

She's the old cow that refused my application for a council grant.

Never been so humiliated.

When you have the time, you must tell me about it.

Hey, have your friends at the masonic lodge got influence at the town hall?

No, I'm just wondering what it must be like to apply for a council grant!

The day started off so well!

It was Councillor Murray's idea. She's head of finance at the town hall

She says locals should be rewarded for services to the community.

— A proud moment in my family history. - You haven't got a family history.

You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory.

Maybe, but I still feel proud.

— What exactly is the award for? — For saving the council money.

I mentioned to her one day that I've had the same broom for 20 years.

She was impressed and said, "Have a medal."

- 20 years is a long time, Dave. - Yeah. It's two decades, innit?

I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time!

Trig, just a second. If you've had that broom for 20 years,

have you swept any roads with it?

Of course! But I look after it well

There's a saying handed down by generations of road sweepers —

"Look after your broom."

— "And your broom'll look after you." - No, just "Look after your broom."

— Oh, that old saying. - Yeah, and I did.

I've maintained it for 20 years.

This old broom has had 17 new heads

and 14 new handles in its time.

(HE MOUTHS)

How is it the same bloody broom, then?

Here's a picture of it. What more proof do you need?

This has come as a bit of a shock. I haven't heard from you for years.

I got the impression I wasn't important to you any more.

Yeah, I understand. OK, let's meet.

No, I'lL come to you. This weekend?

I'm not sure.

Del? I dunno, really. I suppose I'lL have to tell him the truth.

I'll give you a call

OK.

I know you do. Course I still love you!

Bye.

— All right, sweetheart? - Yeah. What you been up to?

Me? I been down the market.

I met a bloke. Done a deal on some electric doughnut makers.

Yeah, I bumped into Boycie.

Mike down The Nags Head is selling tickets for a party on Saturday night.

- Like to go? - This weekend?

- Yeah. — Not really.

Oh. OK. Any phone calls?

Er, no. Del...can we talk?

— Course we can. - I have something to tell you.

I'd like to sit down.

— Well, go on, then. - I mean both of us.

Right. Yeah.

That letter I got this morning...

It was from my mum and dad. I've been on the phone to them.

Oh. It's from your mum and dad!

— Are you OK? - Yes!

Course I am. I'm t'rrific!

Oh, dear. I didn't know you had a mum and dad!

Sorry. I mean, you've never mentioned them.

Years ago, we had a bust-up when I said I wanted to go into showbiz.

I said I wanted to be a dancer and act.

My dad is a bit old—fashioned. He said some nasty things. You can imagine.

So I stormed out, went into digs. That was the last contact I had with them.

They got my address from my ex—landlord.

They phoned, but kept getting the answer machine.

A lot of people get nervous with answer machines.

No, they left messages but the machine wouldn't record them.

Oh, dear!

I dunno what's wrong with it.

I reckon the electronic circuitry needs adjusting. Like that.

So I phoned them. We had a nice chat.

They seemed different, sort of understanding.

I cried.

Hey...

It's all right. Come on, sweetheart.

My mum said they missed me. My dad said he loved me.

Come on, that is lovely jubbly, isn't it?

- I told them about Damien. - Yeah?

They seemed really excited they had a grandson.

I told them all about him.

Hmm?

And did you tell them about me?

I mentioned you.

— Did you tell "em what I did? - No, there wasn't time.

— They wanted to know about Damie. — Of course. That's all right.

They mentioned going at the weekend.

That's nice. We'll pop up, shall we?

Yeah.

The thing is, well...

My dad's a fuddy—duddy and he hasn't been well recently.

This bloody thing!

I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him.

I don't want to offend you...

That's the last time I buy anything off that Ronnie Nelson!

Right, the weekend.

Oh, Mont Blanc!

I can't go. I'm going to Covent Garden for a van—load of aubergines.

oh!

oh...

They were really looking forward to meeting you. Never mind.

OK, you and Damien go and have a nice time.

Take the Capri Ghia and let them see their girl's done OK for herself.

Thanks, Del

I do love you.

Yeah, I know. I'm that sort of bloke, really!

— What does your dad do? — He's an antique dealer.

Is he really? That's interesting.

- In the garage... - I'm not taking anything with me.

No, all right, then. OK. Fair enough. Just a thought.

You go, darling, build a few bridges.

I'll try. I'll make you a coffee.

Yeah, thatlL be Lovely.

— Mum was crying. — What's that?

— Mum was crying. — Was she? Never mind.

Sit here. Women do that, you know.

You'll learn that when you get older.

On Saturday, you're going to see your nan and grandad!

- I ain't got a nan and grandad. - You have now!

— Did YOU get 'em for me? - No, no. They belong to your mum.

They'll make a fuss of you. They'll love you "cause they're lovely people.

— What are they called? - Hmm?

well, they're called um... Um...

Nan and Grandad.

— Did you feed Roger? - I dropped a carrot in.

Good.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYS)

- Don't worry! - I'm not.

- It's only once tonight. — Right.

At least, I think it is.

Just once.

Look at Tuesday!

— Happy birthday again! - Thank you.

— Leave off, Cass. - Sorry...

Rooney!

Only Del would take a gold identity bracelet to a dyslexic engraver!

You got lots of nice presents as well.

- Yes, I did. — I spoke to Mummy today.

She said why don't we fly over to the villa next week?

I'm owed time off, and Del hasn't given you a holiday since...ever!

I thought it might help. Sangria, warm evenings...

Sounds good!

— What about the rabbit? — Can't we give it to Del?

He'd eat it!

Aren't there any kennels? Like a cattery but a rabbitery.

A rabbitery? That's a Chinese toilet!

— Can't your parents look after it? - They'll be at the villa with us.

They'll be there as well? How are we supposed to...relax

with them there?

I've figured it out. We won't do it in front of them!

Right.

When we want to "relax", we'll go to our bedroom. What do you think?

They'll be in the room next to us.

What about all the panting and screaming and "Yes, yes, yes!"

You'll just have to control yourself!

Nah, it'll never work. And I can't leave Del. Business ain't too good.

— Come on, Rodney. - I can't. Del needs me here.

You go.

- You don't mind? — Of course I don't.

The rest would do us...do you good.

we'll have to put our schedule on ice.

well, I'm afraid so.

Both got tickets for the party?

(BOTH) Yeah.

I see you're looking forward to it (!)

Boycie, you and Marlene fancy something nice to eat?

I do, as it happens. Shall we pop down The Harvester?

(CACKLES)

I don't get much trade, but I do have a laugh. Bloody 'ell

Trig, fancy a ticket? Tenner each.

Righto, Mike.

But you don't even know what they're for!

It's bound to tell you on the ticket.

Didn't think of that. You know, Trig,

every year us publicans hold a fancy dress ball

Prizes, the lot. This year it's Harry's turn at The Crown and Anchor.

It's at his house. He's got a barn of a place on the common.

First prize is a brand-new stereo system worth over £1,000.

I've only got my mohair suit and best jumper.

— Perfect. - Did I tell you about my medal?

Yeah. Three times yesterday and twice this morning.

— Did I tell you, Marlene? - You sent us a fax.

All right, Mike? Wotcha, sweetheart.

(MARLENE) Stop it! Honestly!

— Cassandra get off OK? - Yeah, I've just left the airport.

Raquel's away too, isn't she? Bet you'll be out gallivanting Saturday.

Not at all. A mug of Bournvita and "Match of the Day" for us, eh?

— Heaven! - That's nice!

"Rooney"?

No, that is "Rodney".

It looks like an "o", but it's not.

(BOTH) It's copperplate writing.

- Quiet today, innit? — Got more life in his meat pies!

Come on, Michael, give us a drink.

Lager top for Rodney and I'll have a Bailey's and cherryade.

'Ere, Del, how's about a nice plate of beef stew?

Yeah, I'll have some of that.

— Be careful with the beef, Del. — Shut up, you brass!

What are you worried about? I've been eating British beef all my Life.

Egg and chips, please. What do you want, Rodney?

— Something that was fresh today. - Give him the "Daily Mirror".

Del Boy.

All right, Del Boy? Any luck?

Loads of it, Denzil, all bad. I bumped into Paddy the Greek.

Remember those nine—carat...24—carat gold bracelets I was selling?

Apparently they've all been deported, along with Ugandan Maurice.

— Why did you trust him with the gold? - He told me he was an exporter.

An ex—porter who'd just been sacked from British Rail!

(CACKLES)

— Life's one long struggle, innit? - Yeah.

I feel like King Farouk trying to hold back the tide.

- I've got a kid to look after now. - It's Canute.

Yeah, you can say that again!

Want a ticket for a publicans' ball?

Certainly! Which one, left or right?

Your loss.

I've got to go. The host is a fellow mason.

— Last year's do was a good laugh. - I heard there was a punch—up.

Yeah, but during the struggle, Marlene got a whack in the nose.

You did nothing about it.

How could 1? You threw the first punch!

— Were you injured? - Her make-up cushioned the blow!

Hey, I've just remembered! I was meant to take Cass's specimen to the clinic!

- It's on your kitchen worktop! — Just take it in tomorrow.

No, it mustn't be left in direct sunlight.

It needs a dark spot where it won't be disturbed.

How about Boycie's pants?

Everything's fine, Raquel, though there's no food in the fridge.

No, I'm not complaining. Just have a nice time, gal.

Hold on! I think Del's back. DEL BOY! Sorry!

— It's Raquel. —- OK.

- I'll take it in the bedroom. — He's taking it in the bedroom.

See you soon. Bye!

— I suppose Cassandra will be there? — She'll have landed an hour ago...

Bloody Rooney!

why do you wear an ID bracelet? Real men didn't wear 'em in my day.

- You wore them dog tags. — An ID necklace is quite different.

I don't really wanna wear this, but I don't want to hurt Del's feelings.

I understand.

- During the war... — Oh, God!

I had a mate who had the same problem.

His mum bought him a gold watch. He hated it, but didn't want to hurt her.

— So what did he do? - He flashed his watch round the pubs.

On the way to his ship, he got mugged. Problem solved!

That was a good idea (!)

Lots of muggings going on round here.

I'm not considering it as a viable option! God almighty!

I'll just have to tell him.

Be gentle, though.

Look, Del, about this thing you gave me for me birthday.

— It's a beauty, innit? - Yeah. But, well, the thing is...

Listen, Raquel and Damien are having a nice time.

They're all getting on really well

That's good, innit?

You didn't fancy meeting your common-law in-laws?

To be honest, Rodney, yes, I did.

But Raquel didn't want me to go.

- What, she told you? - Yeah, I know.

She was having a hard time telling me

and, well, I made up an excuse and let her off the hook.

I think she thought I might embarrass her.

Yeah.

What do you mean?! That's silly!

- How could you embarrass her? — That's what I thought.

Did you know that her old man is an antiques dealer?

Yeah. I thought I might let him have a look at our Jacobean cine—camera.

- You were saying about the bracelet? - No, I'm well pleased with it.

That's it. You'll never forget your name now!

Raquel's away and this flat becomes a shambles.

Nothing in the fridge, the veg is off

and that apple juice is horrible!

He's a moaning old git!

Cassandra's specimen is gone!

- I don't believe him! — What will I tell Cassandra?

Tell her you spilt it in the van when you went round the corner.

- I can't lie to her. - So tell her Albert drank it!

I can't tell her that, can 1?!

It's just one thing after another.

— Rodney, we have to get out of here. — How do you mean?

I've been thinking. Cassandra's away in foreign climes

and Raquel's gone to Milton Keynes.

Well, tomorrow is the party, the publicans" ball.

So while the mice are away, the cats could go out and play.

It would be like the old days, Rodders.

— We won't be pulling birds, though? — We never pulled any in the old days!

What chance have we got now?

Come on, what do you say?

— A bit of harmless fun, eh? — Course it is!

Couple of hours. Sausage roll and a grin.

Tell you what...

The first prize is only a stereo system worth £1,000.

— What do they give prizes for? — The best fancy dress.

Fancy dress?! I ain't going out dressed like some zoom.

Come on, it's only a laugh, innit?

we'll pop down the high street and get some costumes.

Rodney, I need your help to win this prize.

You're the one with the GCEs in art. You've got the flair and imagination.

Shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now?

That since you knew Raquel was going away,

you've been planning on going to this party all along.

How dare you?

If only your mother could hear you now. Is that what you think of me?

My child and my wife have gone away

for a demanding and draining weekend

and you think, "OK, Del can go out for a jolly—up."

That's what you think of Del Boy.

Shallow as a worm's grave.

I just thought it was...

- It just seemed a bit... - No, don't!

I'm bleeding!

All right. well...

I'm sorry, then.

All right. Your apology is accepted.

I've just remembered. It's an all-ticket affair.

- I know. I got us a couple earlier. — Stinging!

(RODNEY) I feel stupid. I don't know

— (DEL) We'll be there in a minute. — We gotta get home dressed like this!

— Who'd see us at five in the morning? — Yeah... Five in the morning?!

— You said we was going for two hours. — Well, you get involved, don't you?

(VAN BACKFIRES)

— (RODNEY) What's happening? — There must be something wrong.

— I wish I was technical like you (1) - Very funny.

(DEL) Have a look at the engine.

(RODNEY) I'm not getting out dressed like this! You have a look.

You tart, Rodney!

— Do you see anything? - No, it's right dark in here.

— What are you looking for? — Seeing if any petrol's coming through.

- You idiot! — What's the matter?

You'll blow us to kingdom come!

Don't be daft. There's no petrol coming through. Must be a blockage.

That's why we've broken down.

Get back in the van! I don't want people seeing you dressed like that.

You look like a right wally!

Get in!

Well, what are we gonna do now, then?

I don't know, Derek!

We're sat in Peckham at 10.30 dressed as Batman and Robin!

You chose these costumes. I wanted to go as The Blues Brothers.

We would have still broken down and be in this embarrassing situation.

Oh, yeah. We'd have been wearing suits and ties. Right couple of zooms (!)

We'd never have won first prize as The Blues Brothers.

No, but we could have walked home!

Just shut up and try to think of a way out of this.

All right, let's just think about it.

Ah!

We phone the RAC!

Yes!

And ask for the "Broken—down— whilst—dressed—as—prats" department!

— All right, the police. — Leave it out, Rodney!

we'd never live it down. Our lives would be hell!

— We would have to emigrate. — That doesn't sound like a bad alternative!

The pubs will be chucking out soon.

You know what?

Harry's place is nearer than our place is.

We could be there in five minutes if we ran.

— We'll be seen! — What do you mean, "be seen"?

— All the streets are empty. — At the moment.

But the second I step out the van, a thousand people will pour out of...

..of a place where a thousand people are.

No. Not if we go through the back streets and back alleys.

It's only the winos and crackheads there.

They see Batman and Robin every night of the week!

— Five minutes? — Five minutes, if we run.

(Jeez!)

I'm going now, Tom.

I'll see you out.

— Good night, Councillor Murray. — Good night, Tom.

— Seen a policeman round here? - No.

— Good! Then give us your money! - Tom!

- Help! — Someone shut her up!

Gary!

— What's happening? - I've no idea!

("BATMAN" THEME)

Go!

- Councillor Murray? - Yes.

I recognise you from your photo. Derek Trotter. You may remember me.

- I wrote to you some time ago... - Del!

Let's go!

Sorry, must dash. Duty calls.

# Batman! Batman! Batman! #

(DOORBELL)

Boycie, let us in, will you?

What have you two come as?

— Batman and Robin. — Ignore him, Rodney, just ignore him.

— Where is everyone? - Through there, Caped Crusader!

You'll win nothing dressed like that!

Rodders, we have come as Batman and Robin,

Boycie's come as The Penguin!

Oh, no, Del Boy, not The Penguin. More like The Joker!

Kenny. Mike from the Nags Head.

I was really cut up yesterday when I heard about your dad, your husband.

— Still, at least he didn't suffer. - No, he had a good innings.

He'd have been chuffed to see everyone at his wake.

(THEY SING "BATMAN" THEME)

Derek,

Harry died yesterday.

Harry... Harry died?

why didn't you say out there instead of letting us come in like that?

We was going, "da—da—da—da" and all

It completely slipped my mind. Strange what grief can do.

(CACKLES)

Del, don't you remember me? I'm Kenny, Harry's son.

Yes... Yes, of course I remember you, yeah.

I phoned to say the party was off. I left messages on your answer machine.

— Obviously you didn't get them. — The machine's playing up.

I'll throw that bloody machine away when we get home!

- I am really sorry about this. — Don't be silly.

The old man's up there now having a good laugh. You'll stay, won't you?

Yeah, course we're gonna stay.

— Grab a drink and some food. - Yeah, OK. Cheers.

Beer there, Denz?

Didn't you know Harry had died?

Course we knew he'd died! That's why we're dressed as Batman and thingy!

- Robin. - Yes!

— I suppose the prize—giving's off. - I bloody love him ()

All right, Del, Dave?

Bit of a choker Harry popping off.

We didn't know the fancy dress had been cancelled.

Me neither.

You mean that's your costume?

Yeah. I came as a chauffeur.

Feel a bit stupid now.

Now you mention it, you do stand out a bit.

I'm going to cheer up the widow.

You two wouldn't have won first prize.

- No? - No.

You're all right, but Del don't look nothing like Tonto.

(DEL) Aerodynamically—designed cycle helmets

as worn by Chris Boardman and his cousin Stan.

Look at that. No? Right, what else we got "ere?

Tell you what. Look at this. Baseball caps from LA,

as worn by MC Hammer!

Madam, buy one for your kid for Christmas. They'll look lovely.

Right, what else? Ah, yes! Look at this!

We've got unisex baseball caps. Look at that.

Buy one for your son or for your daughter.

(GIRL) Have you got the time?

— Del. - Yeah? What's up?

Look.

What's your game?

Rodney, get after 'em!

You all right, darling? Eh?

Little buggers nicked me handbag.

Me bloody arse is hurting as well.

All right, just take it easy.

Someone call an ambulance and the police.

Hey, you!

Gordon Bennett!

Ooh! Woops—a—daisy!

We read and hear about "have—a—go" heroes, but rarely meet one.

I'm proud to say that Peckham has its very own have—a—go hero.

It is my great honour and privilege

to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter.

- Thank you. — It's Batman!

- Can I have a couple of pictures? - Mange tout, mange tout, my son.

You got the medal but I did all the running!

But you were running away from him!

Excuse me.

I was not running away from him, I was... I was just Luring him.

You weren't half Luring him fast. You shot past like Linford Christie.

Minus that poodle he has down his shorts!

— Could you mind out the way, sir? - You're casting a shadow on the hero.

— Why didn't you get a medal, Rodney? - Eh?

They offered me one but I wanted to remain anonymous.

oh!

- Mr Trotter. — Excuse me.

Councillor Murray. We met when you were dressed as Batman.

Of course.

I've never been so frightened ever.

It was only a costume.

No, terrified of that gang of muggers.

— Oh, I see! — They're behind bars thanks to you.

— Don't mention it. - If I can be of any help, call me.

Thank you very much!

Councillor Murray,

there is something you might be able to help me out with.

— Could we have a little chat? — Yes, come this way.

Cushty!

we'll have to cut this out for the family album!

The Trotters never won a medal before, except Albert's three dozen!

why do they say "man"? They don't mention Rodney.

why didn't they say "men"?

Yeah, Rodney was there too.

They do mention him. "Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers

"by his younger brother Rooney."

See, it's bloody "Rooney"!

Ladies and gentlemen, charge your glasses

because I have got something to say on this auspicious occasion.

Not only am I the only Trotter to win a medal without getting wet,

but this is a double celebration.

- You told them? - I never! How did you find out?

- Find out what? - You don't know?

- No. - Oh.

Then let me say that if, in the near future,

anybody buys us some Mothercare vouchers, they'll come in very handy.

— Oh, yes, my son, we have scored! — And it was a beauty!

# It's coming home, it's coming home... #

- I don't believe it! — # Football's coming home! #

— Well done! - I'm pleased for you.

You've been through hell to get there.

A little cousin for Damien to play with!

Yeah (!)

You said this was a double celebration before you knew about Cassandra.

— What else is there? - Yes, it's a treble celebration!

You know I was turned down for a grant by the council.

Well, they've changed their minds and sent me a cheque for £5,000!

— £5,000! — What can't speak can't lie.

Signed by Councillor Murray.

- Not a bad old world, is it, bruv? — Getting better all the time, Del!

Lovely jubbly!

# We've got some half-price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles

# TVs, deep freeze and David Bowie LPs

# Ball games, gold chains, what's—their-names and at a push

# Some Trevor Francis tracksuits from a mush in Shepherd's Bush

# Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush

# No income tax, no VAT

# No money back, no guarantee,

# Black or white, rich or poor,

# We'll cut prices at a stroke

# God bless Hooky Street!

2 Vi Viva Hooky Street!

# Long live Hooky Street!

# C'est magnifique, Hooky Street!

# Magnifique, Hooky Street!

# Hooky Street!

# Hooky Street! #