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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,046
Mr. Hawkins? It's Hal.
2
00:00:03,133 --> 00:00:04,003
Remember, a few weeks ago,
3
00:00:04,091 --> 00:00:05,570
in the break room,
4
00:00:05,657 --> 00:00:07,746
when someone left the tinfoil
on their burrito
5
00:00:07,833 --> 00:00:09,226
and the microwave caught fire
6
00:00:09,313 --> 00:00:10,662
and the sprinklers went off
7
00:00:10,749 --> 00:00:12,447
and shorted out
all the computers
8
00:00:12,534 --> 00:00:15,232
and we lost all our database
for the last five years?
9
00:00:15,319 --> 00:00:17,278
Yeah, well, I just thought
you might like to know
10
00:00:17,365 --> 00:00:19,845
who the "slack-jawed
idiot" was.
11
00:00:19,932 --> 00:00:22,544
Dad, Dad, you need
four apples, not three!
12
00:00:22,631 --> 00:00:24,372
You only won
another lottery ticket!
13
00:00:24,459 --> 00:00:26,591
It was Phil
in Accounting.
14
00:00:26,678 --> 00:00:27,766
He feels just
awful about it,
15
00:00:27,853 --> 00:00:28,941
and I wouldn't be
too hard on him.
16
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:30,160
His wife is a bit
of a drinker,
17
00:00:30,247 --> 00:00:32,509
and she's not
particularly faithful...
18
00:00:32,597 --> 00:00:35,165
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
19
00:00:35,252 --> 00:00:37,994
♪ I don't know ♪
20
00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:41,345
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
21
00:00:41,432 --> 00:00:43,086
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
22
00:00:43,173 --> 00:00:45,523
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
23
00:00:45,610 --> 00:00:48,048
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
24
00:00:48,135 --> 00:00:50,485
♪ And you're not so big... ♪
25
00:00:50,572 --> 00:00:53,009
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
26
00:00:53,096 --> 00:00:55,490
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
27
00:00:55,577 --> 00:00:56,882
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
28
00:00:56,969 --> 00:01:01,017
♪ And you're not so big ♪
29
00:01:01,104 --> 00:01:03,715
♪ Life is unfair ♪
30
00:01:06,675 --> 00:01:07,589
I'm starving.
I hope Mom has
31
00:01:07,676 --> 00:01:09,460
something decent
for dinner.
32
00:01:09,547 --> 00:01:12,463
I saw her pulling baloney stew
out of the freezer last night.
33
00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:14,987
Don't worry. I stuck a bloody
Band-Aid in it before we left.
34
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:17,207
Holy crap.
Look at that!
35
00:01:19,166 --> 00:01:21,081
Cool! A diving board!
36
00:01:21,168 --> 00:01:24,649
Oh, my God! This is
the greatest thing ever.
37
00:01:24,736 --> 00:01:26,738
And someone just dumped it
here for us to find.
38
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:29,263
We've got to take it home!
39
00:01:29,350 --> 00:01:30,481
What are we gonna
do with it?
40
00:01:30,568 --> 00:01:32,918
I don't know. But... look at it!
41
00:01:33,005 --> 00:01:35,965
It's... it's got the...
and it's... up and...
42
00:01:36,052 --> 00:01:38,533
and bounce and... and bounce!
43
00:01:38,620 --> 00:01:40,578
He's right. We need it.
44
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:45,801
One, two, three... go!
45
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:50,327
One, two, three... go!
46
00:01:52,286 --> 00:01:55,071
One, two, three, go!
47
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,857
One, two, three, go!
48
00:02:02,252 --> 00:02:04,472
Oh, Jamie, this is ridiculous!
49
00:02:04,559 --> 00:02:07,127
You'll eat dead bugs out of
the zapper, for God's sake.
50
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:09,172
Why won't you eat your peas?
You love peas.
51
00:02:09,258 --> 00:02:12,480
Come on.
This is name-brand stuff.
52
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:15,135
It's three times the price
of the food I eat!
53
00:02:19,443 --> 00:02:22,707
If you want to breathe,
you have to open your mouth.
54
00:02:24,056 --> 00:02:26,102
Ah. See? There's
no reason for...
55
00:02:26,189 --> 00:02:27,669
[spitting]
56
00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:33,588
Now you're just going to have
to eat some eyebrow, too.
57
00:02:33,675 --> 00:02:35,285
Hi, honey.
58
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:37,896
Didn't you have the same fight
with him at breakfast?
59
00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:40,421
This isthe same
fight as breakfast.
60
00:02:40,508 --> 00:02:41,857
It's the same jar of peas,
61
00:02:41,944 --> 00:02:43,902
and it's the same
stubborn little boy
62
00:02:43,989 --> 00:02:45,774
who is not gonna
get his own way.
63
00:02:45,861 --> 00:02:47,558
That baby thinks
he's gonna break me,
64
00:02:47,645 --> 00:02:49,604
but he doesn't know
who he's dealing with.
65
00:02:49,691 --> 00:02:51,606
Hal, I'm not about
to lose it with a...
66
00:02:52,824 --> 00:02:54,696
God. How does
he do that?
67
00:02:54,783 --> 00:02:56,088
[loud crash]
68
00:02:57,177 --> 00:03:01,137
One, two, three... go.
69
00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:02,486
[straining]
70
00:03:02,573 --> 00:03:04,314
Please,
71
00:03:04,401 --> 00:03:05,750
we have to stop.
72
00:03:05,837 --> 00:03:08,144
I have to empty the blood
out of my shoes again.
73
00:03:08,231 --> 00:03:09,189
One last time.
74
00:03:09,276 --> 00:03:11,843
One, two, three, go!
75
00:03:11,930 --> 00:03:14,281
[straining]
76
00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:17,588
This is gonna be so great!
77
00:03:18,937 --> 00:03:20,939
This is the answer.
78
00:03:21,026 --> 00:03:22,202
What's the question?
79
00:03:22,289 --> 00:03:23,638
I don't know yet.
80
00:03:23,725 --> 00:03:26,684
But this is definitely
the answer.
81
00:03:29,165 --> 00:03:31,123
Would you look at this?
82
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:32,995
Jamie poured flour in the dryer.
83
00:03:33,082 --> 00:03:35,302
Now I get to wear a loaf
of bread to work tomorrow.
84
00:03:35,389 --> 00:03:36,912
He destroys everything!
85
00:03:36,999 --> 00:03:39,088
He is absolutely the worst kid
we have ever had!
86
00:03:39,175 --> 00:03:40,568
Oh, you say that with every kid.
87
00:03:40,655 --> 00:03:42,091
Let's face it, Lois.
88
00:03:42,178 --> 00:03:43,745
It's just the hand
we were dealt.
89
00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:45,312
God just doesn't like us.
90
00:03:45,399 --> 00:03:46,835
That doesn't make
us bad people.
91
00:03:46,922 --> 00:03:48,793
No, there's something
different with Jamie.
92
00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:50,186
He's not like the other ones.
93
00:03:50,273 --> 00:03:51,056
I'm telling you,
94
00:03:51,143 --> 00:03:52,275
I can see it in his eyes.
95
00:03:52,362 --> 00:03:53,711
Honey, calm down.
96
00:03:53,798 --> 00:03:55,278
You know what will
make you feel better?
97
00:03:55,365 --> 00:03:57,237
You take a look at him
while he's sleeping.
98
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:59,239
You know how cute he is,
with his tush
99
00:03:59,326 --> 00:04:01,502
all squished up
in the air like that...
100
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:04,548
[squeaking]
101
00:04:04,635 --> 00:04:05,854
[slamming]
102
00:04:05,941 --> 00:04:07,159
[footsteps pattering]
103
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:10,554
-Did you see him?
-See who?
104
00:04:10,641 --> 00:04:11,773
[crash]
105
00:04:11,860 --> 00:04:13,557
-Thataway!
-We're in lockdown!
106
00:04:13,644 --> 00:04:14,950
This door stays closed
107
00:04:15,037 --> 00:04:16,995
till you hear
the all-clear call.
108
00:04:18,475 --> 00:04:19,781
The perimeter's sealed.
109
00:04:19,868 --> 00:04:21,261
He's not getting out this way.
110
00:04:29,617 --> 00:04:31,706
My jewelry box!
111
00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:34,012
Jamie, Mommy told you...
112
00:04:34,099 --> 00:04:36,798
All right, Jamie,
you've had your fun.
113
00:04:36,885 --> 00:04:40,062
Now it's time to give that back
to Mommy and go to sleep.
114
00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:45,067
Jamie... I asked you
to give it to me!
115
00:04:45,981 --> 00:04:47,765
Oh!
116
00:04:50,638 --> 00:04:52,988
Would you look
at this thing?
117
00:04:53,075 --> 00:04:54,337
It's amazing.
118
00:04:54,424 --> 00:04:55,773
We've got to come
up with something
119
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:57,601
really great to do with it.
120
00:04:57,688 --> 00:05:00,343
What if we tied mattresses to
ourselves and jumped off it?
121
00:05:00,430 --> 00:05:02,345
Nah. We could do
that off the roof.
122
00:05:03,694 --> 00:05:07,002
We could launch mannequins
into the Prestons' Jacuzzi.
123
00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:08,873
Uh-uh. It's not
good enough.
124
00:05:08,960 --> 00:05:10,832
We could get a squirrel to dive
off it into a cup of water.
125
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:12,964
Not good enough.
126
00:05:13,051 --> 00:05:15,140
Not for her.
127
00:05:15,227 --> 00:05:18,230
Not this old beauty.
128
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,146
Well, how about if we
got a vat of Jell-O...
129
00:05:21,233 --> 00:05:23,323
No! It's not good enough!
130
00:05:23,410 --> 00:05:25,325
I got it!
131
00:05:25,412 --> 00:05:27,065
We take a dog,
132
00:05:27,152 --> 00:05:29,764
tie him to a bicycle...
133
00:05:29,851 --> 00:05:31,896
No! It's just
not good enough!
134
00:05:31,983 --> 00:05:32,723
[vehicle pulling up]
135
00:05:32,810 --> 00:05:34,159
Mom's home early!
136
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:40,470
[door slamming open]
137
00:05:40,557 --> 00:05:42,211
You do not pinch,
you do not poke,
138
00:05:42,298 --> 00:05:44,126
you do not bite,
you do not spit,
139
00:05:44,213 --> 00:05:45,954
you do not eye-gouge,
you do not vomit
140
00:05:46,041 --> 00:05:48,739
intentionally
on other babies!
141
00:05:50,567 --> 00:05:53,178
A lifetime ban
from Gymboree!
142
00:05:53,265 --> 00:05:55,659
A lifetime ban!
143
00:05:57,748 --> 00:06:00,272
I can't believe it.
144
00:06:00,360 --> 00:06:02,536
She didn't even
see the board.
145
00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:05,887
This is a sign we were
meant to have this.
146
00:06:05,974 --> 00:06:10,631
We were meant to do something
really, really great with you.
147
00:06:10,718 --> 00:06:13,068
It'll come.
148
00:06:13,155 --> 00:06:15,113
We just have to be patient.
149
00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,463
[crying]
150
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:17,942
LOIS:
No!
151
00:06:18,029 --> 00:06:19,944
This is Mommy's purse!
You can't have it!
152
00:06:20,031 --> 00:06:21,598
Please,
153
00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:23,295
it's the only thing
in the house that's Mommy's!
154
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,471
Lois...
155
00:06:24,558 --> 00:06:26,081
Well, he has a million toys.
156
00:06:26,168 --> 00:06:27,691
Why does he only want
to take mythings?
157
00:06:27,778 --> 00:06:29,389
Honey, honey, you're taking
this too personally.
158
00:06:29,476 --> 00:06:30,868
He doesn't understand
what he's doing.
159
00:06:30,955 --> 00:06:32,217
He's just a baby.
160
00:06:32,304 --> 00:06:33,567
Look, if you just
give it to him,
161
00:06:33,654 --> 00:06:34,959
for just a couple
of minutes,
162
00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:36,961
-he'll get tired of it.
-You're right.
163
00:06:37,048 --> 00:06:39,094
I guess I was just feeling
that, if I gave in to him,
164
00:06:39,181 --> 00:06:40,965
he'd see it as
a sign of weakness.
165
00:06:41,052 --> 00:06:44,055
-I'm going to stop
this right now.
-Yeah.
166
00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:45,927
Here, sweetie.
167
00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:47,755
Mommy's purse.
168
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:50,540
You can have that for
five minutes, okay?
169
00:06:52,324 --> 00:06:53,804
[liquid trickling]
170
00:06:53,891 --> 00:06:56,981
I thought you said
he wasn't eating anything.
171
00:07:03,727 --> 00:07:05,512
It's mocking us.
172
00:07:05,599 --> 00:07:07,949
It's a ten-foot-tall springboard
that we got for free,
173
00:07:08,036 --> 00:07:09,211
and we can't think
of a single thing
174
00:07:09,298 --> 00:07:10,604
that's good enough
to do with it!
175
00:07:10,691 --> 00:07:12,127
I bet it belonged
to some other family
176
00:07:12,214 --> 00:07:13,128
that went crazy because
they couldn't come up
177
00:07:13,215 --> 00:07:15,086
with anything to do with it.
178
00:07:15,173 --> 00:07:16,958
They probably just
sat around, staring
at it for months,
179
00:07:17,045 --> 00:07:20,440
until they finally snapped
and started eating each other.
180
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:22,703
Damn it, we're
better than this!
I know we are!
181
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:25,183
Remember that squashed groundhog
we found on the highway?
182
00:07:25,270 --> 00:07:26,837
We came up with a hundred
things to do with that,
183
00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:28,578
from the horrible
to the beautiful!
184
00:07:28,665 --> 00:07:30,362
I miss Flatty.
185
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,190
Maybe we're just going
about this the wrong way.
186
00:07:32,277 --> 00:07:33,496
We have to think
outside the box.
187
00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:35,585
If you were
a diving board,
188
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,152
what would you want
someone to do with you?
189
00:07:37,239 --> 00:07:38,893
Take me ice-skating.
190
00:07:38,980 --> 00:07:40,590
Don't be an idiot.
191
00:07:40,677 --> 00:07:42,244
That place is freezing,
and it's always so crowded.
192
00:07:42,331 --> 00:07:43,463
Yeah, but they
have good hot dogs.
193
00:07:43,550 --> 00:07:44,942
Those hot dogs suck
194
00:07:45,029 --> 00:07:45,900
compared to the ones
at the train station.
195
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:46,944
Why would a diving board
196
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:48,119
want to go to a train station?
197
00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,469
How should I know?
198
00:07:49,556 --> 00:07:50,426
Maybe he wants
to visit a relative.
199
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:53,560
Okay! Okay!
Back in the box.
200
00:08:14,276 --> 00:08:17,845
[sing-song]
Jamie doesn't have
to eat his peas anymore.
201
00:08:17,932 --> 00:08:21,370
He can eat whatever he wants
because Mommy surrenders.
202
00:08:21,457 --> 00:08:24,939
Mommy has a tiny pony for Jamie
203
00:08:25,026 --> 00:08:29,421
who wants to hug him and
give him yummy candy corn...
204
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:32,816
[in baby voice]
Mmm! I'm delicious!
205
00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:37,081
Is there a big boy
who could eat me?
206
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:40,083
[tinny kiddie music playing]
207
00:08:56,492 --> 00:08:58,189
[clicks off music]
208
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,546
Gotcha, you little...
209
00:09:11,899 --> 00:09:13,117
[loud creak]
210
00:09:22,039 --> 00:09:24,041
DEWEY:
Jamie tries to kill Mom,
211
00:09:24,128 --> 00:09:25,913
and we're the ones
who have to clean it up.
212
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,784
You want to tell me
how that's fair?
213
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,351
You gotta give
that kid some credit.
214
00:09:29,438 --> 00:09:31,396
It's the closest any of us
actually ever came.
215
00:09:31,483 --> 00:09:33,181
Yeah.
216
00:09:33,268 --> 00:09:35,792
Jamie wasn't really
spawned by Satan, was he?
217
00:09:35,879 --> 00:09:37,881
No. If he was, we'd have
a way better house.
218
00:09:41,885 --> 00:09:44,322
You're the one, Jamie.
219
00:09:44,409 --> 00:09:47,456
Show me the way!
220
00:09:47,543 --> 00:09:49,850
There's a lot of
things I can handle.
221
00:09:49,937 --> 00:09:52,417
A lot of things I've
managed to survive.
222
00:09:52,504 --> 00:09:53,941
I'd even say I've thrived
223
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,595
where others would have
just thrown in the towel.
224
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,118
[soothingly]
Yes, honey, you certainly have.
225
00:09:57,205 --> 00:10:00,295
Now, relax, and let
the bubbles do their work.
226
00:10:00,382 --> 00:10:01,949
Soothing... sooth...
227
00:10:02,036 --> 00:10:03,298
MALCOLM:
Dad, we finished...
228
00:10:03,385 --> 00:10:04,734
I told you to stay the hell
229
00:10:04,821 --> 00:10:06,214
away from this bathroom
until I said so!
230
00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:08,303
This is a child-free zone
until further notice!
231
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:12,612
[gently]
Soothing... soothing...
232
00:10:12,699 --> 00:10:14,222
You know what, Hal?
233
00:10:14,309 --> 00:10:15,397
I'm done.
234
00:10:15,484 --> 00:10:16,485
I give up.
235
00:10:16,572 --> 00:10:18,269
What are you talking about?
236
00:10:18,356 --> 00:10:20,794
Jamie wins. He beat me.
237
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:22,230
All those years,
238
00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:23,927
all those terrible things
those kids have done--
239
00:10:24,014 --> 00:10:26,408
it hasn't made me stronger--
it's just worn me down.
240
00:10:26,495 --> 00:10:27,931
Like termites eating
away at a house
241
00:10:28,018 --> 00:10:29,585
until all that's
holding it up is paint.
242
00:10:29,672 --> 00:10:31,369
I'm just paint, Hal,
243
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:33,415
and Jamie knows it.
244
00:10:33,502 --> 00:10:36,940
You'll do a better
job than I can.
245
00:10:37,027 --> 00:10:38,159
I trust you.
246
00:10:38,246 --> 00:10:39,726
No, no, no.
247
00:10:39,813 --> 00:10:41,292
No, no, no!
248
00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:43,294
You can't leave me
alone with those kids!
249
00:10:43,381 --> 00:10:44,426
We had a deal, Lois!
250
00:10:44,513 --> 00:10:45,949
You are in charge
251
00:10:46,036 --> 00:10:47,690
of the spiritual
and emotional development,
252
00:10:47,777 --> 00:10:49,605
discipline and scary injuries.
253
00:10:49,692 --> 00:10:52,477
I kill spiders, mark their
heights on the door frames
254
00:10:52,564 --> 00:10:54,088
and supply car snacks.
255
00:10:54,175 --> 00:10:56,786
You walk out now and the
whole system falls apart!
256
00:10:56,873 --> 00:10:58,614
I can't do it, Hal.
I don't want to.
257
00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,224
I don't have it anymore.
258
00:11:01,312 --> 00:11:03,053
I mean, it's normal, right?
259
00:11:03,140 --> 00:11:05,229
People give up. They quit.
260
00:11:05,316 --> 00:11:06,274
Lois, you listen to me.
261
00:11:06,361 --> 00:11:08,537
No one is as good as you are.
262
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:11,061
You took those vicious
little fiends,
263
00:11:11,148 --> 00:11:13,890
and you twisted and crushed them
into submission.
264
00:11:13,977 --> 00:11:15,413
And you didn't do it
because you had to.
265
00:11:15,500 --> 00:11:16,893
You did it because
you loved the game,
266
00:11:16,980 --> 00:11:18,503
and it was beautiful!
267
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:20,288
I just don't have that anymore.
268
00:11:20,375 --> 00:11:22,333
Honey, yes, you do.
I know you do.
269
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:24,379
You've just
lost your way a little.
270
00:11:24,466 --> 00:11:25,728
You just need to think.
271
00:11:25,815 --> 00:11:27,121
Think back to the first time
272
00:11:27,208 --> 00:11:28,557
you found that spark.
273
00:11:28,644 --> 00:11:31,081
There's got to be
some way to remember.
274
00:11:32,822 --> 00:11:34,868
And I'm going
to help you.
275
00:11:35,433 --> 00:11:36,913
So, here I am.
276
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,610
Dad said you needed
some help on something?
277
00:11:43,224 --> 00:11:44,834
Francis, your father
and I are trying
278
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,489
to remember something,
and we really need your help.
279
00:11:47,576 --> 00:11:51,275
We'd like you to think back
to your earliest memories.
280
00:11:51,362 --> 00:11:52,799
What's this
all about?
281
00:11:52,886 --> 00:11:54,278
Mind your own business.
Just do it, will ya?
282
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:56,150
You've got
to be kidding me.
283
00:11:56,237 --> 00:11:57,804
My childhood was a nightmare!
I've spent the rest of my life
284
00:11:57,891 --> 00:11:59,414
trying to board up
that haunted house.
285
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:00,763
Francis, this is important.
286
00:12:00,850 --> 00:12:02,504
I really need
to remember something,
287
00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:03,810
and I don't
know what it is.
288
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:06,247
But, please, you're the only one
289
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:07,552
who can help me.
290
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:12,340
My earliest memories...
291
00:12:12,427 --> 00:12:13,820
It's kind of vague.
292
00:12:13,907 --> 00:12:15,822
I remember we had
that apartment...
293
00:12:15,909 --> 00:12:18,389
I remember it being
really colorful.
294
00:12:20,217 --> 00:12:21,262
Come on, Francis, honey.
295
00:12:21,349 --> 00:12:22,829
Please, won't
you eat anything?
296
00:12:22,916 --> 00:12:25,701
We've tried the carrots,
and the peaches,
297
00:12:25,788 --> 00:12:27,311
and the oatmeal,
the apples, huh?
298
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:28,182
Don't you like anything?
299
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:29,705
[blows raspberry]
300
00:12:29,792 --> 00:12:31,489
Lois!
301
00:12:31,576 --> 00:12:33,143
Would you like to know
what your son did
302
00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:35,406
to my director's cut
of The Eyes of Laura Mars?
303
00:12:35,493 --> 00:12:37,017
He also shaved a hole
304
00:12:37,104 --> 00:12:39,193
in the carpet
with my new Norelco!
305
00:12:39,280 --> 00:12:40,716
I'm sorry, Hal.
306
00:12:40,803 --> 00:12:42,631
I asked him very nicely
not to play with it,
307
00:12:42,718 --> 00:12:44,415
but he just wouldn't listen.
308
00:12:44,502 --> 00:12:45,982
I can't get him
to do anything.
309
00:12:46,069 --> 00:12:48,419
I've read Dr. Spock
and Piaget and Eisenberg,
310
00:12:48,506 --> 00:12:50,465
and The Language of Hugs--
311
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:52,772
all these books.
Nothing's helping.
312
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:54,469
What he needs
is a little discipline.
313
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:56,993
I think he'd behave better
if he just ate something.
314
00:12:57,080 --> 00:12:58,603
[voice breaking]
Look at him.
315
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:00,127
He's just wasting away.
316
00:13:00,214 --> 00:13:02,607
I'm going to give him
another Hershey bar.
317
00:13:02,694 --> 00:13:06,089
Lois, no! You can't keep
coddling him like this!
318
00:13:06,176 --> 00:13:08,788
I am sick and tired of always
having to be the bad cop
319
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:11,399
because you're constantly
giving in to him.
320
00:13:11,486 --> 00:13:13,183
Okay, Hal, I'll try.
321
00:13:13,270 --> 00:13:15,185
You keep saying that,
and then you do it again!
322
00:13:15,272 --> 00:13:17,971
I'm going to be tougher
with him. I promise.
323
00:13:27,850 --> 00:13:30,244
Huh. It's weird.
324
00:13:30,331 --> 00:13:32,159
I just have this vague feeling
of you actually being
325
00:13:32,246 --> 00:13:34,465
a good mother.
326
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,035
I hate you!
327
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:42,299
I hate you, I hate you!
328
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:43,605
I hate you!
329
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,259
Reese, this is crazy.
330
00:13:45,346 --> 00:13:47,087
You've been staring
at that damn thing
331
00:13:47,174 --> 00:13:48,697
for four days.
We're getting rid of it.
332
00:13:48,784 --> 00:13:51,569
No! Wait!
I finally have an idea.
333
00:13:51,656 --> 00:13:53,615
-What is it?
-I'll have it in a second!
334
00:13:53,702 --> 00:13:54,485
Just wait!
335
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,313
It's over, Reese.
336
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,315
Once the board's gone, things
should go back to normal.
337
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:00,622
Did you know that the Newmans
338
00:14:00,709 --> 00:14:02,493
put a statue of a naked guy
on their front lawn a week ago?
339
00:14:02,580 --> 00:14:03,930
We should be ashamed
of ourselves.
340
00:14:04,017 --> 00:14:06,715
No! We are not
getting rid of this!
341
00:14:06,802 --> 00:14:08,195
Reese, what
is the big deal?
342
00:14:08,282 --> 00:14:10,284
What is so special
about this board?
343
00:14:12,808 --> 00:14:14,592
I think it's my last time.
344
00:14:14,679 --> 00:14:16,116
Last time for what?
345
00:14:16,203 --> 00:14:19,206
For anything stupid
and reckless and fun.
346
00:14:19,293 --> 00:14:20,598
Maybe it's because
347
00:14:20,685 --> 00:14:22,339
I'm almost 18 now,
348
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:24,951
but lately I've been hearing
this voice in my head that says,
349
00:14:25,038 --> 00:14:28,041
"That's dangerous.
That's stupid.
350
00:14:28,128 --> 00:14:29,564
You're gonna hurt yourself."
351
00:14:29,651 --> 00:14:31,392
And the old voice--
352
00:14:31,479 --> 00:14:35,744
the one that says,
"This is fun. Do it anyways.
353
00:14:35,831 --> 00:14:37,398
They'll figure out
how to save you."--
354
00:14:37,485 --> 00:14:40,140
it just gets quieter
and quieter.
355
00:14:40,227 --> 00:14:42,794
Pretty soon I won't be able
to hear it at all.
356
00:14:44,666 --> 00:14:46,494
But before it dies,
357
00:14:46,581 --> 00:14:48,757
I want to say good-bye to it
the right way.
358
00:14:51,542 --> 00:14:53,283
We'll give it
the best send-off
359
00:14:53,370 --> 00:14:55,285
any crazy voice
could ever ask for.
360
00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:56,591
I'd do it for mine.
361
00:14:57,766 --> 00:14:59,420
Right around the time
362
00:14:59,507 --> 00:15:01,770
I was starting to walk,
there was some kind of...
363
00:15:01,857 --> 00:15:03,076
Uh...
364
00:15:03,163 --> 00:15:06,209
I don't know. Let's stop.
I want to stop.
365
00:15:06,296 --> 00:15:08,864
Honey, please, keep going.
You can't stop now.
366
00:15:08,951 --> 00:15:10,866
No! I don't want to.
367
00:15:10,953 --> 00:15:12,433
We've been sitting here
for five hours.
368
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,956
Why are we doing this, anyway?
369
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:15,740
Francis, please.
I think we're really close.
370
00:15:15,827 --> 00:15:16,785
Just one more time.
371
00:15:16,872 --> 00:15:18,830
Well... I kind of remember
372
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,659
that Frisbee game
we used to play...
373
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:26,012
Okay, honey.
Maybe we'll eat later.
374
00:15:27,622 --> 00:15:30,059
Lois, did you see what he did
in there?
375
00:15:30,146 --> 00:15:31,582
He used my tennis racket
376
00:15:31,669 --> 00:15:34,324
to smash my camera
and all my lenses to bits!
377
00:15:34,411 --> 00:15:36,979
I still had film in it
from the US Festival!
378
00:15:38,676 --> 00:15:39,895
Where is he?
379
00:15:39,982 --> 00:15:42,637
Hal, it's not his fault!
380
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:44,160
I'm pretty sure
he's working through
381
00:15:44,247 --> 00:15:46,032
a limitation-anxiety phase.
382
00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:47,859
All the literature says this is
the age where he's trying...
383
00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:51,211
You cannot undermine me every
time I try to discipline him!
384
00:15:51,298 --> 00:15:53,604
I can't help it.
He's so small and helpless.
385
00:15:53,691 --> 00:15:55,737
I can't take any more of this!
386
00:15:55,824 --> 00:15:57,391
It is tearing
our marriage apart!
387
00:15:57,478 --> 00:16:00,437
For his own good,
you have got to buckle down!
388
00:16:03,005 --> 00:16:04,833
Do you understand me, Lois?
389
00:16:04,920 --> 00:16:09,185
You have to find some way
to be this boy's mother!
390
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:17,715
Hello, Dr. Sachs.
It's Lois again.
391
00:16:17,802 --> 00:16:19,326
I know I just called, but...
392
00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:20,805
my husband yelled at me again
393
00:16:20,892 --> 00:16:22,416
about being stricter
with Francis,
394
00:16:22,503 --> 00:16:24,026
and I wanted to know
if you could write me a note
395
00:16:24,113 --> 00:16:25,854
saying that yelling at him
could damage his psyche?
396
00:16:25,941 --> 00:16:28,552
It's such a tender time
for Francis.
397
00:16:28,639 --> 00:16:32,556
He's so fragile and unformed
and I just want to make sure
398
00:16:32,643 --> 00:16:35,255
I get it right,
but everything I do feels wrong.
399
00:16:35,342 --> 00:16:37,213
If this is all supposed
to be so natural,
400
00:16:37,300 --> 00:16:38,562
why can't I get this?
401
00:16:38,649 --> 00:16:40,651
[sobbing]
I love him so much
402
00:16:40,738 --> 00:16:42,566
and I want to be a good mother
403
00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:46,657
and I know I have
to be stronger, but I just
404
00:16:46,744 --> 00:16:47,963
don't think
I can look in his eyes
405
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,486
and not give him what he wants.
406
00:16:49,573 --> 00:16:53,882
He has such a sweet little face,
and he's so innocent.
407
00:16:59,061 --> 00:17:02,369
I'm going
to have to call you back.
408
00:17:11,421 --> 00:17:14,598
Fire... is... dangerous.
409
00:17:25,827 --> 00:17:28,047
Fire can hurt you.
410
00:17:28,134 --> 00:17:30,614
Fire can kill you.
411
00:17:30,701 --> 00:17:32,747
I will not let that happen.
412
00:17:34,444 --> 00:17:36,794
Let me make one thing clear.
413
00:17:36,881 --> 00:17:40,450
I love you, and I will do
whatever I have to
414
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:42,931
to take care of you,
and keep you safe
415
00:17:43,018 --> 00:17:45,194
and happy and alive.
416
00:17:45,281 --> 00:17:49,459
I don't care if you
grow up to hate me,
but you will understand this:
417
00:17:49,546 --> 00:17:53,637
I will... do... anything.
418
00:17:54,986 --> 00:17:58,077
That is how much I love you.
419
00:18:23,754 --> 00:18:24,842
Yes. That's right.
420
00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:26,540
It's coming back to me;
421
00:18:26,627 --> 00:18:30,370
that sense of strength
and power and purpose.
422
00:18:30,457 --> 00:18:34,243
I finally knew who I was,
and what I was born to be.
423
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:35,766
Honey, you're back!
424
00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:36,767
BOTH:
Oh!
425
00:18:36,854 --> 00:18:38,769
I knew you could do it!
426
00:18:38,856 --> 00:18:40,728
[blubbering]
Mr. Fuzzles!
427
00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:42,730
[sobbing]
428
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:44,601
Thank you, Francis.
429
00:18:44,688 --> 00:18:46,255
You can go now.
430
00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:50,868
What? What is it?
431
00:18:50,955 --> 00:18:53,480
We've got something for you.
432
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:55,482
Dewey and I finally came up
with something good enough
433
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:57,136
for that insane voice
in your head.
434
00:18:57,223 --> 00:18:59,486
Here. Put
this on first.
435
00:18:59,573 --> 00:19:01,270
Roman candles?
436
00:19:01,357 --> 00:19:02,837
Well, that's how
they started off.
437
00:19:02,924 --> 00:19:05,970
We decided to give 'em
a little more... oomph.
438
00:19:06,057 --> 00:19:07,798
Do you care if you keep
your eyebrows?
439
00:19:07,885 --> 00:19:10,018
-Hell, no!
-Okay, the fuse is timed
440
00:19:10,105 --> 00:19:11,150
for 20 seconds.
441
00:19:11,237 --> 00:19:12,542
You're gonna light it,
442
00:19:12,629 --> 00:19:15,458
and then get up on the board
and jump.
443
00:19:15,545 --> 00:19:18,026
The rockets should kick in
around there.
444
00:19:18,113 --> 00:19:19,332
They won't give you
any momentum,
445
00:19:19,419 --> 00:19:20,724
but they will ignite that.
446
00:19:24,467 --> 00:19:26,861
Hopefully, you will land
in that kiddie pool.
447
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:28,254
We think that's got
a 50-50 shot
448
00:19:28,341 --> 00:19:29,777
of putting you out.
449
00:19:29,864 --> 00:19:30,821
If the roof
doesn't collapse.
450
00:19:30,908 --> 00:19:32,736
Or ignite.
451
00:19:32,823 --> 00:19:33,955
And it's all
gonna be caught
452
00:19:34,042 --> 00:19:35,348
on that video camera.
453
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,785
It has a direct feed
to the Internet.
454
00:19:37,872 --> 00:19:41,963
You're the featured page
on GiantJackass.com.
455
00:19:43,399 --> 00:19:46,794
This is more than anything
I could have ever asked for.
456
00:19:46,881 --> 00:19:48,535
Nobody deserves it
more than you.
457
00:20:15,649 --> 00:20:16,650
[screams]
458
00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:35,016
Should I get the hose?
459
00:20:35,103 --> 00:20:36,322
Not yet.
460
00:20:36,409 --> 00:20:37,801
He would've wanted
us to wait.
461
00:20:41,414 --> 00:20:43,677
Good boy.
462
00:20:43,764 --> 00:20:45,766
You finished all your peas!
463
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:48,551
Hey, slugger.
464
00:20:48,638 --> 00:20:50,379
Guess what.
The clinic called.
465
00:20:50,466 --> 00:20:52,990
They said my ass
was a perfect match
for your hand.
466
00:20:53,077 --> 00:20:54,731
They can start
the skin grafts next week.
467
00:20:54,818 --> 00:20:56,255
[chuckles]
468
00:21:02,609 --> 00:21:04,175
Reese, what do you think
you're doing?
469
00:21:04,263 --> 00:21:05,655
What? He loves the stuff.
470
00:21:05,742 --> 00:21:07,614
He goes through three
or four cans a day.
471
00:21:07,701 --> 00:21:09,224
I don't know how he does it.
472
00:21:09,311 --> 00:21:11,270
Half a can makes me nuts.
473
00:21:50,483 --> 00:21:52,441
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