Original subtitles

I think I'll get another cup of tea.

[ softly] V-K-U-J-I-R.

Jivku--

a small, featherless bird from southern Africa.

Love you, son.

Go ahead and blow off curfew this weekend.

Well, well, well, look what we have here.

I was just reading about one of these...

Jivku isn't a real word,

but "Nazqweb" isn't Viking toothpaste,

and Mom got 162 points for it.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

I got to get to work.

You make sure your father gets out of bed.

I don't why,

but he hasn't slept for the last four nights.

So if you have to, yell "fire."

If that doesn't work, set one.

Why would your mother buy me pants without a zipper?

Dad, you have them on backwards.

Oh.

Malcolm, I need your help.

Our 20th anniversary is coming up

and I've been going crazy trying to think

of the perfect gift for your mother.

It has gotta be something really fantastic.

And I've got nothing.

Maybe you're trying too hard.

Why don't you just do something simple?

You know, get a bottle of champagne, watch a sunset,

recite a poem to her.

So you just use the genius thing on yourself,

is that it, son?

Come on!

This anniversary has got to make up

for 19 crappy celebrations.

You have no idea the hell I've put that woman through.

[ playing martial music]

I wish I could say that was the low point of the day.

Chad?

Are you trying to make Coach Cleary

burst into flames again?

[ kid makes revving sound]

Dewey, Dewey, you won't believe it!

It's the most amazing thing ever!

We made friends with a normal kid!

He spoke to us and everything!

It was he-heep! Hee-ca-ca--

Calm down.

Just breathe, okay?

All this time we thought he hated us!

-Who is it? -Kyle Rogers!

He likes us so much that he put both our names in

to run for Student Body President!

He said he can't wait

to hear our campaign speeches.

-Really? -ZOE: Yes!

I feel like I'm in a dream,

except there isn't an armless scarecrow

who can't stop crying. This is so great!

But we'll have to promise that we'll both stay friends no matter what happens.

Don't worry, Zoe.

We won't let anything come between us,

even though we're both competing for this great honor.

[ bell rings]

Hey, Dewey, what'd you do, rat me out to Mr. Myers?

Of course not.

I just figured since you're so interested

in the democratic process,

I'd nominate you to run for School President, too.

-What? -I gotta admit, it's clever

making Hanson and Zoe run for office.

They're gonna be humiliated.

The only thing more humiliating

would be losing to 'em.

Ow! Leave it alone!

Nobody one can even see a zit back there.

Stop squirming so I can clean it.

You know, a little more effort

on your personal grooming wouldn't kill you.

Sunday nights before bed your father goes over

every square inch of his body with a hand mirror.

Oh, my God.

Do you remember that summer seminar in Arizona

I applied to last year?

-Yeah, you didn't get it. -I know, but somehow...

my name was entered as an alternate

for a study-in-Europe program.

The guy who was supposed to go was bitten by a tick

and now basically lives in a hyperbaric chamber.

So I get to go in his place!

Slow down, Malcolm.

We can't afford to help you with that.

That's just it. It's all paid for!

I'm going to Paris, Prague, Munich, Vienna.

I'm gonna be staying in castles!

This is an incredible opportunity.

This is the luckiest thing that's ever happened to me.

I have to do something to protect it.

What?

It's like I feel I should balance it out somehow.

You know, give something back so I don't lose it.

Listen to you. Something wonderful happens

and all you can think about

is how the world's going to take it away.

You're growing up.

[ mumbling]

You, come with me.

What are you doing?

Dad, you have to understand.

The reason I missed so many days of school

is that the calendar on my watch stopped.

I thought it was Saturday all week!

Put it on the shelf.

The watch? You want me...

What am I going to do? Your mother... it's horrible.

Well, I don't know. You married her.

What about our anniversary?

It won't fit!

What about the anniversary? What are you talking about?

It's got to be... the best!

Where is it?

Are you still asleep?

The dogs are right.

I got to get her a great present.

Dad, your shoe's untied.

Of course!

Thank you.

Yeah, you aregoing to have to get her a good present.

She's a great lady.

In fact, I don't know why,

but she wants you to give me $20.

That's good.

That's good. That's good. She'll know what to do.

-Thanks. -I don't know the answer.

Tell me. Tell me now!

Okay, calm down.

I think you're going to have more success if you can relax,

make me a BLT with avocado,

and open up a bag of chips.

Then you can sit at my feet and purr while I eat.

That's it!

What are you talking about?

You've gotta vote for me!

All those rumors you've heard are lies!

I don't want to have school on Saturdays.

And I don't wear pull-ups!

I'm glad to see

you're so pumped about the election, Kyle.

A lot of kids think

they're too hip for student government,

but I think you'll find out how exciting it can be

once you organize your first recycling drive.

You know what, Zoe?

I actually hope you win.

Thanks, Hanson. And I hope you win.

Of course, I can't speak for bad Zoe.

Okay, Chad, see those kids over there?

They're friends of Kyle's.

On election day, it'd probably be better if they didn't vote.

Okay.

Why don't you go back inside? You don't want to see this.

Hey, Mom, you know when I said I was going to give something back?

Well, I was thinking.

Maybe I could work at a homeless shelter,

or teach some kids how to read, but then it came to me.

I bought a guitar.

-What? -It's perfect.

I mean, Dewey has this incredible musical talent.

I must have it, too. I just haven't tried it yet.

How long do you have to return it?

15 days. But I'm not going to return it.

Well, that'll be long enough

for you to figure out you can't do this.

What are you talking about?

I can play music if I want to.

I'm sorry, honey. You can't.

Your brain doesn't work that way.

You don't have that kind of creative spark.

What?

See, Dewey is a flier.

He'll just drift and float through life

and things will turn out for him.

Now, you and I, we're burrowers.

We're at our best when our heads are down,

and we're grinding through a mountain of drudgery.

You don't know that.

-Yes, I do. -You actually think you know.

what I'd be good at before I even try it?

That's right.

Oh, really? Then tell me,

how would I be at scuba diving? Or mountain climbing?

Or flamenco dancing?

Bad at scuba diving, good at mountain climbing.

Flamenco dancing? A disaster.

I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

I'm just telling you what I know.

It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother.

If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

-Hey, Reese. -Hey, Dad.

Oh, here. I got you a new watch.

-Thanks. What'd you do that for? -I don't know.

A thought just popped into my head that you needed one.

And you have no idea why?

-Uh-uh. -Wow.

You gotta see this! I finally found

the perfect anniversary present for your mom.

She had this exact music box when we were first married

until your brother Francis got a hold of it

and smashed it into a million pieces.

Anyway, I'm walking through this antique store

in complete desperation, and there it is:

the same music box.

Oh, what a relief.

I am going to sleep like a baby tonight.

I have 15 days to learn how to play this thing well enough

to totally humiliate my mom.

Seems doable.

Doodly-doodly-doodly-doodly, doo-doo-wah!

[ imitates guitar riff]

♪ Bo, bo-bo, bo-bo-bo-bo-bo ♪

[ imitates guitar riff]

♪ Bo! Bo-bo-bo-bo, bo-bo-bo ♪

♪ Doodly-doodly-doodly... ♪

[ imitates guitar riff]

I'm willing to forget I ever saw this,

if you tell me everything you know about sleepwalking.

Sleepwalking?

Well, all I know is that it's a dissociative state,

-which basically... -Just tell me what causes it.

Well, there's a few things.

It usually happens when a person is under

intense emotional or psychological stress.

So if a sleepwalker stays stressed out,

he'll continue sleepwalking?

I don't know, probably.

Beautiful.

[ mimics guitar riff]

[ loud feedback]

[ baby coos]

Who's a little carpenter?

Jamie's a little carpenter.

You come with me.

I had it. The gift. Perfect.

Destroyed.

That little one.

Bad diapers!

Come on, now.

What happened happened.

The main thing is I'm here to help.

Need help. Can't do it alone.

Now, tomorrow you'll be

on your way to work when you'll realize

that your favorite son, Reese,

is completely out of hair-care products.

So you'll put together

a charming gift basket full of shampoos

and styling gels.

Has to be done.

No question. Get to work.

It's interesting you'd say that, because, actually,

there are quite a few projects I have lined up for you.

Oh, but first.

I'd like you to do something very important for me.

Important. Of course.

It's important.

Yes, it is.

I want you to kiss this.

You know, like you really mean it.

[ Hal moans softly]

STUFFED CHICKEN [ mechanical voice] Let's be friends!

Yes, yes, I'll hold. Thank you.

I hate politics.

The voters don't read.

They don't think for themselves.

They're completely swayed by the last thing they heard,

whether it's true or not.

Democracy's a failure

because, let's face it: people are idiots.

I think you'd feel better about the world, Dewey,

if you had a programmable zombie robot.

That's right.

I'm looking to replace

the music box with the ballerina on top.

I wouldn't say broken so much as vaporized.

My toddler got a hold of it.

Oh, oh. Give me that.

So, anyway, I would really appreciate it if you could help me...

[ timer ringing] [ clucks like chicken]

...a list of local distributors who might have one.

What are you talking about? Why on Earth

would I do that?

Listen, the truth is, I'm pretty desperate here

so if you can just give me... [ dryer buzzes]

...some information that can help me track down

another ballerina music box

you can actually

turn this into a very special anniversary celebration.

LOIS: Sorry I'm late!

Oh, oh, please, like the orphans

would really see any of the money I would give you.

Do you have an orphan there with you?

Could I speak to one, please?

I didn't think so.

You know what? You people make me sick.

Damn telemarketers.

Hal, you know what I realized on the way home?

Our 20th anniversary is in three days.

Huh. Just three days, huh?

Boy, talk about time flying. [ laughs]

It'll be here before you know it.

LOIS: 20 years.

We're really gonna have to do something special.

[ all chattering excitedly]

She totally did.

I saw her, I swear!

He's a liar!

V-Vote for me!

Stop screaming at me.

You're not my guidance counselor!

Guys, guys, calm down. What's going on?

Zoe thinks she'd make a better President than me,

even though that it's a known fact

that she eats her own hair lice.

Oh, yeah? Well, I wonder

how the voters would feel if they knew that Hanson likes

to French kiss

his poodle, and I know 'cause dogs don't lie to me.

What are you doing?

I thought you two were gonna stay friends, no matter what.

Oh, wake up, Dewey. There's a little too much

at stake here to play that game.

Stop it!

The truth is you two were nominated as a joke,

but you had a chance to show the rest of the school

that you were better than Kyle and his friends.

Now you're no different than they are.

We used to be a team.

You two and the four of me.

We have no idea who you are anymore.

You guys do what you want.

I'm sick of this.

Hal, you didn't even touch your pie.

Oh, yeah, I'm saving that for Reese.

I have something I want you guys to hear.

I've been practicing, really practicing, a lot.

And I had an idea for a song.

I don't know if it's any good or not,

but it really means something to me.

Do you mind if I play it for you?

Of course not, Malcolm.

We'd love to hear it.

[ slow, soulful] ♪ No one knows ♪

♪ Just what I've been through ♪

♪ I can't stop the pain inside me ♪

♪ Now I'm staring out my window ♪

♪ Children play ♪

♪ They seem so happy ♪

♪ Why are we here, going nowhere? ♪

♪ Why does my life feel so empty? ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow meow, meow, meow, meow. ♪

What are you doing?

That's the Meow Mix song.

♪ No one knows just what I've been through ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. ♪

♪ Now I'm staring out the window ♪

♪ Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. ♪

♪ I want chicken, I want liver ♪

♪ Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver ♪

♪ Now you know the cat's meow ♪

♪ Is Meow Mix, Meow Mix, Meow Mix... ♪

And then the cat kind of walk... [ yowls]

Okay, okay, stop it!

God! I just spent two days of my life

rewriting the Meow Mix song.

I poured my heart into this.

I actually got tears in my eyes writing it.

How pathetic is that?

I clearly have even less talent than you gave me credit for.

Should we tell him the kid recovered

from the tick bite,

and the trip to Europe's off?

No.

Let him return the guitar first.

[ sighs]

Got to get this.

It has to.

Okay, let's see what you've got here.

These aren't even letters.

Why did I think

a zombie could write an essay on Johnny Tremain?

Come on. We might as well go to bed.

No, don't. Wait.

Have to get the answer.

Dad, I'm not gonna be able

to help you with an idea for Mom.

And the other ideas I have

for you are just gonna land us in jail.

You can help.

You're the one I can talk to.

You're my guy.

Really?

I thought Malcolm was your favorite.

No. The smart one scares me.

You're normal.

Like me.

Is that why you grabbed me?

You're my guy.

I don't care if everyone thinks

this election is a joke.

I'm not screwing around anymore. You got to vote

for me, please.

Whatever you heard about me is all lies...

Hey, Dewey.

Hi.

I've never dressed up as that Girl Scout for Halloween.

I've been thinking about what you said.

You're right: we are better than these jerks.

I'm gonna throw the election so Zoe will win.

She'll become popular.

Than she can tell us what we're missing

instead of us having to imagine it.

How are you gonna do that?

I haven't slept in two days,

and I've been staring into a strobe light

for the last 20 minutes.

It's time for everyone else to meet the Hanson

that until now, only paramedics have seen.

What are you smiling at, Hooper?

I'm not kidding. Vote for me. Damn it. Just do it!

Thank you, Kyle.

And now for our next candidate, David Hanson.

Good afternoon, f...

f...

teachers and stu... stu...

stu...

I'm... [ stuttering]

[ mumbling gibberish]

And I say to you...

[ grunts]

Son of a [ bleep].

If I'm elected... [ bleep]

the cafeteria's... [ bleep]!

And I promise to

[ bleep]

And erase this food...

Charge a man with a... [ bleep].

And... a victory

for... [ bleep], you big [ bleep].

I promise to [ bleep] my

[ bleep], and I will work hard to [ bleep]...

And... [ bleep]...

And we will [ bleep]...

And then, we...

we will join in any... and [ bleep]...

CHILDREN [ chanting] Hanson! Hanson! Hanson...!

[ grunts]

Hanson! Hanson!

Hanson! Hanson!

Hanson! Hanson!

Hanson! Hanson!

Hanson!

Hanson! Hanson!

Hanson! Hanson!

Reese, what do you think you're doing?

Look,

there's something you should know.

Dad's been sleepwalking every night

for the past week.

He's in the kitchen right now making me paella.

What are you talking about?

It's because he's stressed out

about picking a present for your anniversary.

-Oh! You're kidding. -Don't worry.

Right now he'll do anything you say,

and he won't even remember the conversation the next day.

So, you can

go out there and end his suffering.

He's a good man.

Treat him right.

Oh, and don't make him drink out of the toilet.

It's not as satisfying as you'd think.

Hal?

No. Not now.

Have to think.

Nothing! I've got nothing!

I know you've been very worried about our anniversary.

Shh!

You can't find out about this.

Don't worry. I won't.

Of course this is the 20th, and that's very special.

It has to be... the best!

So listen very carefully.

Here are the gifts that Lois has been dreaming of.

[ quiet whimper]

A three-pack of vacuum cleaner bags,

a new heating pad, oh, and some of those gel inserts

for her work shoes. Size nine.

That's it!

Yes! Oh!

Finally. The relief.

And one more thing.

There's nothing you love more

than changing Jamie's poopie diapers.

You got that right.

[ quiet whimper]

I returned the guitar.

Mom was right.

I don't have any of Dewey's talent.

But it's okay.

I'm good at a lot of other things.

I've learned a little something about myself, and I feel good.

Ow!

Vacuum cleaner bags?

Hal, this is uncanny.

This is exactly what I was hoping for.

How on Earth did you know?

Come on, honey.

When you've been married as long we have,

it's like being psychic. I just know.

Oh, man.

I think Jamie has a present for someone.

I got it!

Oh, I've been waiting for this all day.

Come on, buddy.

[ sniffs] Oh, yeah.

[ laughs] Yahoo!

Happy anniversary, Mom.

Captioned by Post Haste Digital