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1
00:00:06,919 --> 00:00:08,530
Crap!
2
00:00:20,759 --> 00:00:23,458
[chuckles]
Pick. Ass. Oh.
3
00:00:26,765 --> 00:00:29,638
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
4
00:00:29,725 --> 00:00:32,162
♪ I don't know ♪
5
00:00:32,249 --> 00:00:35,513
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
6
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,689
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
7
00:00:37,776 --> 00:00:40,214
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
8
00:00:40,301 --> 00:00:42,520
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
9
00:00:42,607 --> 00:00:44,696
♪ And you're not so big ♪
10
00:00:44,783 --> 00:00:47,177
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
11
00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:49,223
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
12
00:00:49,310 --> 00:00:51,703
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
13
00:00:51,790 --> 00:00:54,489
♪ And you're not so big ♪
14
00:00:54,576 --> 00:00:58,536
♪ Life is unfair ♪
15
00:01:09,808 --> 00:01:11,810
Stupid Christmas vacation.
16
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,595
There's nothing to do.
17
00:01:13,682 --> 00:01:15,249
I wish I cared about something.
Then I could do that.
18
00:01:16,380 --> 00:01:18,513
You missed it!
It was so awesome!
19
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:20,036
What?
20
00:01:20,123 --> 00:01:21,168
Reese just came up with
the most fun thing to do.
21
00:01:21,255 --> 00:01:22,691
Riding your bike
22
00:01:22,778 --> 00:01:24,432
through the graveyard
with your eyes closed.
23
00:01:24,519 --> 00:01:25,911
He smashed into
24
00:01:25,998 --> 00:01:27,870
this one gravestone,
flew through the air,
25
00:01:27,957 --> 00:01:31,221
hit another gravestone
and landed in an open grave.
26
00:01:31,308 --> 00:01:34,181
Lying in that hole
was surprisingly peaceful.
27
00:01:34,268 --> 00:01:36,444
I no longer fear death.
28
00:01:36,531 --> 00:01:38,446
I've been sitting here bored
out of my mind for four hours.
29
00:01:38,533 --> 00:01:40,317
Why didn't you invite me?
30
00:01:40,404 --> 00:01:42,058
-Didn't we?
-No. You didn't.
You walked right by me.
31
00:01:42,145 --> 00:01:43,799
I thought you were going
out to the garage.
32
00:01:43,886 --> 00:01:45,801
Huh. Oh, well.
33
00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,281
It's not a big deal.
34
00:01:47,368 --> 00:01:49,674
It's just that my feelings
are kind of...
35
00:01:50,719 --> 00:01:52,112
Oh, crap!
36
00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:53,722
Your what are kind of what?
37
00:01:53,809 --> 00:01:55,071
Nothing. Forget it.
38
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,377
I think someone
has feelings, Dewey.
39
00:01:56,464 --> 00:01:57,378
I do not!
40
00:01:57,465 --> 00:01:58,640
We've gotta make this right.
41
00:01:58,727 --> 00:01:59,597
Group hug?
42
00:01:59,684 --> 00:02:00,685
Shut up!
43
00:02:00,772 --> 00:02:02,470
Oh, listen to those feelings.
44
00:02:02,557 --> 00:02:03,514
Come here, you.
45
00:02:03,601 --> 00:02:05,429
Get away from me!
46
00:02:05,516 --> 00:02:08,084
In our house,
that's the "F" word.
47
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:13,002
Okay, if we get Reese
the walkie-talkies
48
00:02:13,089 --> 00:02:14,743
with only two channels,
49
00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:17,659
we can move $8.20
from his pile to Dewey's pile.
50
00:02:17,746 --> 00:02:19,226
Then Dewey can get
the Spider-Man figure
51
00:02:19,313 --> 00:02:20,705
that sticks to walls.
52
00:02:20,792 --> 00:02:22,229
We have enough stuff
that sticks to walls.
53
00:02:22,316 --> 00:02:24,187
Dewey can live with
the regular Spider-Man.
54
00:02:24,274 --> 00:02:26,755
Just make sure that
Malcolm's pile has
enough in it that...
55
00:02:26,842 --> 00:02:29,801
Hal, we don't have
a pile for Jamie.
56
00:02:29,888 --> 00:02:32,152
What? Oh, damn it!
57
00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,849
[sighs]
58
00:02:33,936 --> 00:02:35,285
You know, Jamie's
not even old enough
59
00:02:35,372 --> 00:02:36,504
to know it's Christmas.
We could just...
60
00:02:36,591 --> 00:02:38,332
-Hal.
-All right!
61
00:02:38,419 --> 00:02:39,681
This is ridiculous.
62
00:02:39,768 --> 00:02:42,814
$93 to get gifts
for four boys.
63
00:02:42,901 --> 00:02:45,077
Well, it's our own fault.
We just weren't frugal enough.
64
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,644
What else can we do?
65
00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:48,864
We're already doing
no-electricity Wednesdays,
66
00:02:48,951 --> 00:02:51,997
lunch lotteries,
the family flush.
67
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:53,303
Okay, we'll make it
work somehow.
68
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:55,653
Just put it
into four piles.
69
00:02:55,740 --> 00:02:56,959
[telephone rings]
70
00:02:57,046 --> 00:02:58,439
Hello.
71
00:02:58,526 --> 00:02:59,831
Hey, Mom, good news.
72
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:01,877
I decided to come home
for Christmas after all.
73
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:06,534
Francis, that is, um... great.
74
00:03:06,621 --> 00:03:08,013
What a nice surprise
75
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,494
that you will be
coming home for Christmas.
76
00:03:10,581 --> 00:03:12,844
Yes, we'll have the
whole family here...
77
00:03:12,931 --> 00:03:14,585
exchanging gifts.
78
00:03:14,672 --> 00:03:16,108
Piama, too?
79
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,849
Of course.
We can't wait to see you.
80
00:03:17,936 --> 00:03:20,722
Well, we can't wait to see you.
81
00:03:21,592 --> 00:03:23,115
Six piles?
82
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,988
Five. Piama and
Jamie can share.
83
00:03:30,862 --> 00:03:33,561
Excuse me?
84
00:03:33,648 --> 00:03:35,519
I know you didn't think
anyone would catch you,
85
00:03:35,606 --> 00:03:37,304
but you just slammed your door
into my car.
86
00:03:37,391 --> 00:03:39,393
The least you could do
is say you're sorry, lady.
87
00:03:39,480 --> 00:03:41,351
You don't have to take
that tone.
88
00:03:41,438 --> 00:03:43,571
It's not like I'm hurting
your resale value.
89
00:03:50,404 --> 00:03:51,622
I'm sorry.
90
00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,190
See? Like that.
91
00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:56,845
[Christmas carol
playing in background]
92
00:04:32,010 --> 00:04:33,273
Oh!
93
00:04:49,506 --> 00:04:51,813
[creaking]
94
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:20,755
[tires skidding]
95
00:05:20,842 --> 00:05:24,672
[screaming]
96
00:05:24,759 --> 00:05:25,934
♪ [continues] ♪
97
00:05:31,679 --> 00:05:33,071
[sputtering]
98
00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:44,692
♪ [continues] ♪
99
00:05:50,088 --> 00:05:52,134
[screams]
100
00:05:52,221 --> 00:05:53,483
[screams]
101
00:05:56,051 --> 00:06:00,098
[both screaming]
102
00:06:01,970 --> 00:06:03,667
I don't know what happened.
103
00:06:03,754 --> 00:06:05,930
I just lost control of myself.
104
00:06:06,017 --> 00:06:07,802
It was like
an out-of-body experience,
105
00:06:07,889 --> 00:06:10,282
and I was there
watching this woman go insane.
106
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,893
And the woman was me.
107
00:06:12,763 --> 00:06:13,808
But you know what, Hal?
108
00:06:13,895 --> 00:06:15,418
I'd do it
all over again.
109
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:16,898
It felt great.
110
00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:19,117
It was almost worth
destroying my car.
111
00:06:19,204 --> 00:06:22,382
Well, honey, the important thing
is no cops were there to see it.
112
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:24,340
No one says a word.
113
00:06:24,427 --> 00:06:25,907
This is my one.
114
00:06:25,994 --> 00:06:29,998
My one to your 11,000.
115
00:06:30,085 --> 00:06:34,394
So, due to unforeseen
circumstances, we are now
completely broke.
116
00:06:34,481 --> 00:06:36,787
Therefore, I am making
a proclamation.
117
00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:39,660
This will be
a handmade Christmas.
118
00:06:39,747 --> 00:06:41,705
We're not spending
any money on gifts.
119
00:06:41,792 --> 00:06:43,533
They will be homemade
120
00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:46,101
and, therefore, more personal
and more thoughtful.
121
00:06:46,188 --> 00:06:47,885
But you can't do this!
122
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:50,061
Well, I think it's high time
we had a handmade Christmas.
123
00:06:50,148 --> 00:06:52,107
You boys just don't appreciate
the holidays.
124
00:06:52,194 --> 00:06:53,500
To you it's nothing
125
00:06:53,587 --> 00:06:55,284
but a disgusting orgy
of materialism.
126
00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:56,677
-But...
-No buts!
127
00:06:56,764 --> 00:06:57,678
You're the ones
who turned your mother
128
00:06:57,765 --> 00:06:59,419
into a ticking time bomb!
129
00:06:59,506 --> 00:07:01,029
Oh, you just thank
your lucky stars
130
00:07:01,116 --> 00:07:04,641
that she went off
on an innocent bystander!
131
00:07:10,778 --> 00:07:13,737
So we had our Christmas feast
of oatmeal and hot dog buns.
132
00:07:13,824 --> 00:07:15,304
Since then, we've
been waiting three hours
133
00:07:15,391 --> 00:07:16,610
for Dad to come out
of the garage.
134
00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:19,743
What is taking
him so long?
135
00:07:19,830 --> 00:07:21,658
[whispering]
136
00:07:21,745 --> 00:07:23,138
What are you talking about?
137
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,835
Nothing you'd
be interested in.
138
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:26,620
You don't know that.
139
00:07:26,707 --> 00:07:28,448
If it's interesting to you guys,
it's gonna be interesting to me.
140
00:07:28,535 --> 00:07:30,362
We were wondering
what nose hairs smell like.
141
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,496
Well, that's very interesting!
142
00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:35,977
Hal, hurry up already!
143
00:07:36,064 --> 00:07:38,240
In a minute.
144
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:44,681
LOIS:
Hal!
145
00:07:44,768 --> 00:07:46,857
[grumbles]
146
00:07:51,732 --> 00:07:54,299
All right, everyone
over by the tree.
147
00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:55,997
[Hal laughing]
148
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,868
Open mine
first!
149
00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,479
Okay, okay.
Let's see
150
00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,568
what little Dewey
made for his dad.
151
00:08:01,655 --> 00:08:04,179
Wow!
152
00:08:04,266 --> 00:08:06,442
LOIS:
Where did you find that?
153
00:08:06,529 --> 00:08:08,357
I never take
a good picture.
154
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:10,402
I went through every
box in the attic
and found that one.
155
00:08:10,490 --> 00:08:12,796
I made the frame
with mementos of
your hobbies.
156
00:08:12,883 --> 00:08:14,929
Wait. You made this frame?
157
00:08:15,016 --> 00:08:16,147
Yeah. See it
has a little
158
00:08:16,234 --> 00:08:17,627
golf club, a
fishing pole,
159
00:08:17,714 --> 00:08:19,063
a poker hand.
160
00:08:19,150 --> 00:08:20,325
I even pasted on the
Jumble you finished.
161
00:08:20,412 --> 00:08:23,154
Dewey, this is really nice.
162
00:08:23,241 --> 00:08:25,113
REESE:
Here, Mom, this
is from me.
163
00:08:25,200 --> 00:08:27,811
Oh, it's so heavy.
164
00:08:27,898 --> 00:08:29,160
Wow!
165
00:08:29,247 --> 00:08:32,033
Reese, are these jams?
166
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,687
REESE:
And candies.
167
00:08:33,774 --> 00:08:35,340
I had some sugar left over,
so I figured, why not?
168
00:08:35,427 --> 00:08:36,558
It's Christmas.
169
00:08:36,645 --> 00:08:38,256
You made this?!
170
00:08:38,342 --> 00:08:40,128
Here, Mom. Here, Dad.
171
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:43,871
Oh, my God!
it's a clock.
172
00:08:43,957 --> 00:08:45,568
-You made this?!
-I read up
173
00:08:45,655 --> 00:08:46,874
on all-wood clocks and then
174
00:08:46,961 --> 00:08:48,179
borrowed the tools
from wood shop.
175
00:08:48,266 --> 00:08:49,485
See the gears?
They make different
176
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:50,573
patterns as they turn.
177
00:08:50,660 --> 00:08:52,053
Oh, I'm very
178
00:08:52,140 --> 00:08:53,445
impressed, boys.
179
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,751
You all worked so
hard on these gifts.
180
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:55,883
Open mine next.
181
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:57,493
It's a sonata I
composed for you.
182
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:58,973
Oh, I'll get to it.
183
00:08:59,060 --> 00:09:01,671
It's your father's
turn to give something.
184
00:09:02,933 --> 00:09:04,979
Uh...
185
00:09:05,066 --> 00:09:06,981
my gift...
186
00:09:07,068 --> 00:09:09,461
isn't here.
187
00:09:09,549 --> 00:09:11,463
Not here?
What do you mean?
188
00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,465
Well, we-we knew the boys
would really come
through with great gifts,
189
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:17,034
and any present that
could top what they
did can't be here...
190
00:09:17,121 --> 00:09:19,254
[laughing]
can it?
191
00:09:19,341 --> 00:09:20,298
Merry Chris...
192
00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:21,822
You started without us?
193
00:09:21,909 --> 00:09:23,780
Dad's about to give us
a really cool present!
194
00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:25,477
Is it outside?
195
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:26,783
Let's find out.
196
00:09:26,870 --> 00:09:27,784
Like a treasure hunt?
197
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,046
[high-pitched laughing]
198
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,092
Cool!
All right, let's go!
199
00:09:36,227 --> 00:09:37,359
Oh.
200
00:09:37,446 --> 00:09:38,708
Wow, Mom,
this is fantastic.
201
00:09:38,795 --> 00:09:40,797
I am so happy
to be home for Christmas.
202
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:45,149
You said this house
was Satan's trash can.
203
00:09:45,236 --> 00:09:47,543
You're quoting me
out of context.
204
00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:48,805
So, Dad, where is it?
205
00:09:48,892 --> 00:09:50,459
Are we supposed
to drive to it?
206
00:09:50,546 --> 00:09:52,635
Yes! Yes!
207
00:09:52,722 --> 00:09:54,898
You guessed
the first clue.
208
00:09:54,985 --> 00:09:57,074
[laughing]
Everybody into the van.
Let's go!
209
00:09:57,161 --> 00:09:58,336
LOIS:
Hal...
210
00:09:58,423 --> 00:09:59,903
Merry Christmas, honey!
211
00:10:02,123 --> 00:10:04,081
♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪
212
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:05,996
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
213
00:10:06,083 --> 00:10:09,260
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse... ♪
214
00:10:16,833 --> 00:10:18,182
Are we there yet?
215
00:10:18,269 --> 00:10:19,488
MALCOLM:
Yeah, where are we going?
216
00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:21,316
I know.
We're going to Disneyland.
217
00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:24,188
It's a thousand times
better than Disneyland.
218
00:10:24,275 --> 00:10:25,625
Cool!
219
00:10:30,325 --> 00:10:31,326
[giggling]
220
00:10:31,413 --> 00:10:32,283
What was that?
221
00:10:32,370 --> 00:10:33,720
A handshake.
222
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:36,505
Now they've got
some lame, third-grade
223
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:38,376
secret handshake.
224
00:10:38,463 --> 00:10:39,943
I think I got half of it.
225
00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:41,118
We love Dad!
226
00:10:41,205 --> 00:10:42,729
[both chanting]
We love Dad!
227
00:10:42,816 --> 00:10:47,081
We love Dad! We love Dad!
We love Dad!
228
00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,346
HAL:
Rest stop.
Everybody out.
229
00:10:51,433 --> 00:10:53,609
No eye contact
with strangers.
230
00:10:53,696 --> 00:10:54,958
[chuckles]
231
00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:58,179
[sighs]
232
00:10:58,266 --> 00:10:59,702
Look at 'em scamper.
233
00:11:03,793 --> 00:11:05,229
You don't need to...?
234
00:11:05,316 --> 00:11:07,144
No.
235
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:18,678
♪ Here comes Santa Claus... ♪
236
00:11:18,765 --> 00:11:19,896
[radio stops]
237
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:27,512
You couldn't have said
twice as good as Disneyland?
238
00:11:27,599 --> 00:11:29,036
You saw those presents, Lois!
239
00:11:29,123 --> 00:11:30,080
What was I supposed to do?
240
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:31,255
My presents were crap!
241
00:11:31,342 --> 00:11:32,604
What did you make them?
242
00:11:32,692 --> 00:11:35,216
-Lanyards.
-Still better
than what I had.
243
00:11:35,303 --> 00:11:37,305
Look, I underestimated
these boys, Lois,
244
00:11:37,392 --> 00:11:39,786
and they deserve to have
a really great Christmas.
245
00:11:39,873 --> 00:11:41,613
How much money do we have?
246
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,528
-Zero.
-No, I mean everything,
247
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:44,834
credit cards, loose change,
everything?
248
00:11:44,921 --> 00:11:47,315
Oh. Minus $512.
249
00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:50,100
What?! Oh, for God sakes!
250
00:11:51,232 --> 00:11:52,973
Can you think
of a Christmas reason
251
00:11:53,060 --> 00:11:54,931
for stopping somewhere
I can sell blood?
252
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:56,585
Oh, Hal, don't worry about it.
253
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:57,673
It'll be okay.
254
00:11:57,760 --> 00:11:59,283
You just need
to find something
255
00:11:59,370 --> 00:12:01,416
that's a thousand
times better than Disneyland,
256
00:12:01,503 --> 00:12:03,810
open on Christmas Day
and free.
257
00:12:03,897 --> 00:12:05,420
Just because it's hard, Lois,
258
00:12:05,507 --> 00:12:06,900
doesn't mean it's impossible.
259
00:12:06,987 --> 00:12:09,206
I am going to
make this happen.
260
00:12:09,293 --> 00:12:11,600
Hal, we don't even have
enough gas to get home.
261
00:12:11,687 --> 00:12:12,906
Yes, we do.
262
00:12:12,993 --> 00:12:14,603
I did all the
calculations, Lois.
263
00:12:14,690 --> 00:12:17,475
We are exactly 40 miles
from the point of no return.
264
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:20,391
And I promise you
I will figure out
a plan by then.
265
00:12:20,478 --> 00:12:22,524
If not, I will turn
the van around.
266
00:12:22,611 --> 00:12:24,091
Just don't rat me out.
267
00:12:25,135 --> 00:12:26,746
Please, honey.
268
00:12:26,833 --> 00:12:28,617
It's Christmas.
269
00:12:28,704 --> 00:12:31,751
I can't wait much longer.
270
00:12:31,838 --> 00:12:33,883
Mom, is it really going
to be as good as Dad says?
271
00:12:36,320 --> 00:12:38,801
Dewey, I think you'll remember
this day for a long time.
272
00:12:38,888 --> 00:12:44,851
I think we'll all remember
this day for a very long time.
273
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:49,377
All right,
since no one wants
to race cigarette butts,
274
00:12:49,464 --> 00:12:51,205
I'm outta here.
275
00:12:51,292 --> 00:12:52,684
[sighs]
276
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:54,469
Francis, I have
to talk to you
about something.
277
00:12:54,556 --> 00:12:57,167
It's weird, but lately
I kind of feel
278
00:12:57,254 --> 00:12:58,603
like I'm being left out
by Reese and Dewey.
279
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:00,257
Aw, geez.
Look, I'm sorry.
280
00:13:00,344 --> 00:13:01,519
You weren't supposed
to know about the beach trip.
281
00:13:01,606 --> 00:13:03,652
-What?!
-Hey, geez, watch it!
282
00:13:03,739 --> 00:13:05,088
What beach trip?!
283
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:06,916
I took Reese and Dewey
to the beach last summer.
284
00:13:07,003 --> 00:13:09,049
I would've invited you,
but you were over at Stevie's.
285
00:13:09,136 --> 00:13:10,746
He lives two blocks away!
286
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:13,662
You have to go by his house
to get to the beach!
287
00:13:13,749 --> 00:13:15,055
Why is this happening?
288
00:13:15,142 --> 00:13:16,883
I'm the brother
everybody likes the best.
289
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:18,275
What are you
talking about?
290
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:19,842
I'm the brother
everybody likes best.
291
00:13:19,929 --> 00:13:20,887
I meant of the brothers
who are still at home.
292
00:13:20,974 --> 00:13:22,453
That's Dewey.
293
00:13:22,540 --> 00:13:24,412
What?
Where am I in
the pecking order?
294
00:13:24,499 --> 00:13:26,893
Malcolm, I am not gonna stand
here in a public toilet
295
00:13:26,980 --> 00:13:28,633
and rank me, Dewey,
Reese, Jamie and you
296
00:13:28,720 --> 00:13:31,375
in order of popularity.
297
00:13:34,291 --> 00:13:35,771
So are we getting close?
298
00:13:35,858 --> 00:13:37,120
Now, now.
299
00:13:37,207 --> 00:13:38,513
You're not going
to trick me
300
00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,688
into giving it away.
301
00:13:39,775 --> 00:13:41,864
It's a surprise.
302
00:13:41,951 --> 00:13:43,779
[whispering]
Hal, you are five miles
303
00:13:43,866 --> 00:13:45,259
from the point
of no return.
304
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,350
Look, I know we don't talk
about our emotions,
305
00:13:49,437 --> 00:13:50,786
but I don't care anymore.
306
00:13:50,873 --> 00:13:52,570
I'm just going
to lay it out there.
307
00:13:52,657 --> 00:13:54,659
My feelings are hurt.
308
00:13:54,746 --> 00:13:56,139
There, I said it.
309
00:13:56,226 --> 00:13:57,880
They're hurt
because you guys are
310
00:13:57,967 --> 00:13:59,186
systematically excluding me.
311
00:13:59,273 --> 00:14:01,231
Being excluded
is extra hard for me
312
00:14:01,318 --> 00:14:03,277
because I see
all the other places
313
00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:05,192
I don't fit in,
and we're brothers.
314
00:14:05,279 --> 00:14:07,368
I really want us
to be in this together.
315
00:14:09,761 --> 00:14:11,502
What a gasbag.
316
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:12,547
Your feelings aren't hurt.
317
00:14:12,634 --> 00:14:13,678
Your ego is bruised.
318
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:15,028
The reason
we exclude you sometimes
319
00:14:15,115 --> 00:14:16,594
is because you're a drag.
320
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,335
You always have
to be the special one.
321
00:14:18,422 --> 00:14:19,380
Even now, this
is all about
322
00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:20,816
how you feel things
323
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:22,513
more deeply than everyone else.
324
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,254
Look, we love you.
325
00:14:24,341 --> 00:14:26,866
We just need a break from you
every once in a while.
326
00:14:30,652 --> 00:14:32,306
Okay, Hal...
327
00:14:32,393 --> 00:14:33,263
Francis, can I see you up here
for a second, please?
328
00:14:33,350 --> 00:14:34,699
I need your help with the radio.
329
00:14:37,006 --> 00:14:38,181
What are you...?
330
00:14:38,268 --> 00:14:39,661
I need to
borrow $1,800.
331
00:14:39,748 --> 00:14:41,228
I'll pay you back
over the next six years
332
00:14:41,315 --> 00:14:42,925
in monthly payments
of $39.50.
333
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:44,361
I have no money to give
these boys a Christmas gift
334
00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:46,189
and I'm not even sure
where I'm driving.
335
00:14:46,276 --> 00:14:49,410
I hate to ask you,
but I don't know
what else to do.
336
00:14:49,497 --> 00:14:52,195
I love you.
337
00:14:52,282 --> 00:14:56,112
Well, I guess this is as good
a time as any to tell you.
338
00:14:56,199 --> 00:14:58,419
I got fired from my job.
I am totally broke.
339
00:14:58,506 --> 00:15:00,551
What? You got fired
from the ranch?
340
00:15:00,638 --> 00:15:03,163
It turns out the ATM
I was making all of Otto's
341
00:15:03,250 --> 00:15:05,600
deposits into wasn't an ATM.
So sue me, right?
342
00:15:05,687 --> 00:15:07,471
Anyway, he's suing me.
343
00:15:07,558 --> 00:15:09,082
I don't know
what we're going to do.
344
00:15:09,169 --> 00:15:10,474
You're not moving
back in!
345
00:15:10,561 --> 00:15:11,998
There isn't room enough
in the house!
346
00:15:12,085 --> 00:15:13,347
Besides, Piama doesn't want
to live with us.
347
00:15:13,434 --> 00:15:14,783
Piama doesn't even know
about it.
348
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,524
She thinks I'm on vacation.
349
00:15:16,611 --> 00:15:18,352
I've been acting
like the happiest man
350
00:15:18,439 --> 00:15:20,136
in the world the last few weeks
just to hide it from her.
351
00:15:20,223 --> 00:15:22,269
I have to say, I am a little
disappointed in you, Francis.
352
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:23,748
You can't hide
something like this
353
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:24,924
from the ones you love.
354
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:26,490
Honesty is
the cornerstone
355
00:15:26,577 --> 00:15:28,666
of any healthy
relationship.
356
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:32,148
Well, I'm sorry
I can't help you.
357
00:15:35,412 --> 00:15:38,328
Okay, Hal,
it's been 40 miles.
358
00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:41,027
We are at the point
of no return.
359
00:15:42,767 --> 00:15:44,944
Hal, turn around.
360
00:15:56,390 --> 00:15:59,480
Ding... ding... ding...
361
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:02,483
ding... ding...
362
00:16:02,570 --> 00:16:04,920
Let's get out
and stretch our legs.
363
00:16:07,575 --> 00:16:09,142
You coming, Malcolm?
364
00:16:09,229 --> 00:16:11,666
You sure? I might
accidentally talk about myself.
365
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:13,450
You mean like just now?
366
00:16:16,671 --> 00:16:18,716
Hal, what are
you doing?
367
00:16:18,803 --> 00:16:20,109
I'm buying time.
368
00:16:20,196 --> 00:16:21,415
Look, I don't know
how you got me
369
00:16:21,502 --> 00:16:22,982
to go along with this,
but that's it.
370
00:16:23,069 --> 00:16:24,853
The Christmas lie is over.
371
00:16:24,940 --> 00:16:26,594
60 more seconds, Lois.
You can time me.
372
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,422
I'm not...!
373
00:16:28,509 --> 00:16:29,510
Fine.
374
00:16:30,859 --> 00:16:31,991
[ sighs]
375
00:16:32,078 --> 00:16:34,950
-Whoa! Nice rides.
-Yeah.
376
00:16:35,037 --> 00:16:37,387
The fat lady at the car wash
rides one of these.
377
00:16:39,999 --> 00:16:41,304
Nice going, Dewey!
378
00:16:41,391 --> 00:16:43,480
I wasn't even touching it.
It was you!
379
00:16:43,567 --> 00:16:44,829
What'd you do, man?!
380
00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,267
MALCOLM:
Wait, wait!
381
00:16:47,354 --> 00:16:48,659
Those guys didn't do it.
382
00:16:48,746 --> 00:16:50,313
What are you
talking about?
383
00:16:50,400 --> 00:16:51,706
I'm not going to
let these people
384
00:16:51,793 --> 00:16:52,881
take the blame when
they didn't do it.
385
00:16:54,839 --> 00:16:56,363
It was my dad.
386
00:16:59,583 --> 00:17:00,889
He was trying
to teach me a lesson
387
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:02,630
so I wouldn't grow up
and be like you.
388
00:17:08,549 --> 00:17:10,071
Malcolm, oh, my God,
that was awesome!
389
00:17:10,159 --> 00:17:11,247
-That was so cool!
-Thanks!
390
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:17,079
Okay, honey,
you've got 20 seconds.
391
00:17:20,517 --> 00:17:22,737
[whining]
392
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:28,221
Lois, there is going
to be a Christmas!
393
00:17:28,308 --> 00:17:29,570
Hal, no!
394
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:31,485
Oh, no!
395
00:17:31,572 --> 00:17:32,486
I seem to
have slipped
396
00:17:32,573 --> 00:17:34,227
on an oil stain left here
397
00:17:34,314 --> 00:17:35,967
by a negligent owner
or employee.
398
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,099
Hal!
399
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:40,450
[Lois screams]
400
00:17:40,537 --> 00:17:41,582
[coughing]
401
00:17:41,669 --> 00:17:42,800
Oh, my God!
402
00:17:42,887 --> 00:17:44,802
Are you okay?
403
00:17:46,717 --> 00:17:49,329
Yes, damn it!
404
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:50,808
[sighs]
Oh, thank goodness.
405
00:17:50,895 --> 00:17:52,636
I don't have any insurance.
406
00:17:52,723 --> 00:17:54,638
We both dodged a bullet.
407
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:56,727
After I sweep this up,
408
00:17:56,814 --> 00:18:00,296
you're getting wiper
blades, on the house.
409
00:18:00,383 --> 00:18:02,081
Hal...
410
00:18:02,168 --> 00:18:03,865
You know what?
411
00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:05,649
I saw a trail behind here
that leads up into the hills.
412
00:18:05,736 --> 00:18:07,782
There's probably something
really great up there.
413
00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:10,045
All we need is a few flashlights
to get started.
414
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:11,394
Hal, it's time for you
to face the boys
415
00:18:11,481 --> 00:18:13,222
and tell them
what's going on.
416
00:18:13,309 --> 00:18:15,137
Hal, they're good boys.
417
00:18:15,224 --> 00:18:17,966
They forgave you for banjo camp;
they'll forgive you for this.
418
00:18:18,053 --> 00:18:19,794
And I will try sharing
the blame with you,
419
00:18:19,881 --> 00:18:22,797
but honey, this has got
your fingerprints all over it.
420
00:18:22,884 --> 00:18:24,059
[ mutters]
421
00:18:25,713 --> 00:18:27,715
You know, you're
a pretty good
brother after all.
422
00:18:27,802 --> 00:18:29,978
Thanks. You look cold.
Take my jacket.
423
00:18:30,065 --> 00:18:31,806
I think I could've
handled those bikers,
424
00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:33,286
but with a baby
and a chick around,
425
00:18:33,373 --> 00:18:35,114
you probably did the
right thing, Malcolm.
426
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:36,550
Thanks for thinking
of us, Reese.
427
00:18:36,637 --> 00:18:37,594
What's this?
428
00:18:37,681 --> 00:18:38,639
Nothing. Give me that.
429
00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:39,814
It's a credit card receipt
430
00:18:39,901 --> 00:18:41,120
from The Clockworks.
431
00:18:41,207 --> 00:18:42,730
You bought those clocks?
432
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:44,775
You have a credit card?
Since when?
433
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:46,734
They sent it to me in the mail
a couple months ago.
434
00:18:46,821 --> 00:18:48,127
They must've thought
I was old enough
435
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:49,432
after I won
that physics award.
436
00:18:49,519 --> 00:18:50,999
So when I superglued
my eyelids shut,
437
00:18:51,086 --> 00:18:52,305
and I was in the
emergency room,
438
00:18:52,392 --> 00:18:53,654
we could've used
your credit card
439
00:18:53,741 --> 00:18:55,351
instead of having
to call Mom?!
440
00:18:55,438 --> 00:18:56,961
I'm not going to let you
jeopardize my credit rating.
441
00:18:57,048 --> 00:18:57,962
I want to buy
a house someday.
442
00:18:58,049 --> 00:18:59,094
Malcolm, you're a jerk.
443
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:01,009
Mom, Malcolm has
a credit card,
444
00:19:01,096 --> 00:19:03,054
and he bought you
Christmas presents with it.
445
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:04,404
What?
446
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,971
Malcolm, you bought
those presents,
447
00:19:07,058 --> 00:19:09,322
after everything
I've been through?
448
00:19:09,409 --> 00:19:11,106
We all worked so hard
449
00:19:11,193 --> 00:19:12,629
to make this
a special Christmas,
450
00:19:12,716 --> 00:19:14,370
and you just took
a cheap shortcut!
451
00:19:14,457 --> 00:19:16,807
Those clocks cost
50 bucks each!
452
00:19:16,894 --> 00:19:19,419
I don't care
what they cost!
453
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:22,552
This isn't a competition,
Malcolm.
454
00:19:22,639 --> 00:19:26,687
You know, all I really want
from you on Christmas is this!
455
00:19:36,697 --> 00:19:39,003
I forgive you, son.
456
00:19:39,090 --> 00:19:41,180
Okay, everybody,
listen up.
457
00:19:41,267 --> 00:19:42,398
I don't want this
to ruin our trip.
458
00:19:42,485 --> 00:19:44,400
Want to know
where we're going?
459
00:19:44,487 --> 00:19:45,488
ALL:
Yeah.
460
00:19:47,838 --> 00:19:50,319
Snow skiing on Mount Bundy!
461
00:19:50,406 --> 00:19:51,712
[cheering]
462
00:19:51,799 --> 00:19:54,062
DEWEY:
I love Mount Bundy.
463
00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,805
[Hal chuckles
nervously]
464
00:19:57,892 --> 00:19:59,763
That's a room
for the night,
465
00:19:59,850 --> 00:20:01,243
ski passes
and equipment rentals.
466
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,071
Will you be putting that
on your credit card?
467
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:06,727
Let's give
it a shot.
468
00:20:17,128 --> 00:20:18,391
[shrieking]
Oh, yes!
469
00:20:18,478 --> 00:20:20,262
[laughs]
In your face!
470
00:20:24,571 --> 00:20:26,703
Hal, this is the low point,
isn't it?
471
00:20:26,790 --> 00:20:28,575
We're not going to sink
any further, are we?
472
00:20:28,662 --> 00:20:29,880
What are you
talking about?
473
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:32,535
We've stolen
our son's credit card.
474
00:20:32,622 --> 00:20:34,189
If it weren't for my rage
and your recklessness,
475
00:20:34,276 --> 00:20:35,756
our kids might have
a fighting chance.
476
00:20:35,843 --> 00:20:37,497
Lois, those are
the exact things
477
00:20:37,584 --> 00:20:39,020
that make us
great parents.
478
00:20:39,107 --> 00:20:41,022
If it wasn't for
your anger and
my recklessness,
479
00:20:41,109 --> 00:20:43,459
we wouldn't be on
this amazing ski
vacation, would we?
480
00:20:46,462 --> 00:20:48,856
You know, this just might be
our best Christmas ever.
481
00:20:48,943 --> 00:20:51,119
Francis, I want you
to quit your job.
482
00:20:51,206 --> 00:20:52,903
What?
483
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:54,340
Ever since we left
on this trip,
484
00:20:54,427 --> 00:20:56,864
you've just seemed
so insanely happy.
485
00:20:56,951 --> 00:20:59,301
I can't let you go
back to that job.
486
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:01,042
You've got to find
something else to do.
487
00:21:01,956 --> 00:21:03,697
You're right.
488
00:21:03,784 --> 00:21:05,699
You know, in fact, let's
not even go back to that ranch.
489
00:21:05,786 --> 00:21:07,048
I'll call Otto
in the morning,
490
00:21:07,135 --> 00:21:08,876
and if he doesn't
understand, tough.
491
00:21:08,963 --> 00:21:10,878
Okay, so who wants
492
00:21:10,965 --> 00:21:13,272
-some hot chocolate
by the fire, huh?
-Yeah!
493
00:21:14,882 --> 00:21:15,926
Enjoy your stay,
Malcolm.
494
00:21:16,013 --> 00:21:18,233
Thanks.
495
00:21:58,012 --> 00:22:00,928
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