Original subtitles

Who wants some ice cream?

Who's been a good boy all day

and deserves some delicious ice cream?

-[burbling] -That's right,

Jamie gets ice cream...

That's it, Jamie.

He sure loves his ice cream, doesn't he?

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big... ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair ♪

MAN ON TV: ...is home to a surprising

number of plankton species.

They are...

This blows.

Get up and change the channel.

I didn't lose the remote.

You get up and change the channel.

I didn't lose it either!

So the stupid cops let my dad off with another warning.

We've lived in this neighborhood for three weeks

-and they still haven't carted him off yet. -No!

Jessica, you don't get to keep barging in here

every day like you own the place!

Go back outside and knock.

And then go away!

Seriously, what do you have to do

to get popped for drunk and disorderly around here?

He was out on the curb in his underpants,

rolling burning trash cans into the street.

The sad thing is, we're still the worst family on this block.

ANNOUNCER ON TV: Coming up next, The Strongest Man in the World Competition.

Yes, finally!

[switches channel]

What are you doing?

Watching House of Style.

You don't get to change our TV!

Malcolm, back me up here!

Reese, give her a break.

Why? We live in just as big

a stink-hole as she does.

Where do we get to escape to?

Reese, you're right.

This is your house.

If you don't want to watch it, you can get up and change it.

Nice try.

Dad, I need some help with my homework.

I don't think so, Dewey.

I put in all this time and effort,

then you just have Malcolm correct everything

after I go to bed.

I can't do this with Malcolm.

I'm supposed to do a 300-word report

on how you're my personal hero.

Me?

You think I'm your... hero?

Dad, don't freak out.

We had to pick one of our parents.

Can I just watch you for a while?

-Sure. As a matter of fact, you can help me with myproject. -What are you doing?

Well, you know that jerk across the street

who's always got it in for me?

Parking jerk or lawn mower jerk?

Huh? No, Christmas jerk! Bill Rendall.

Every year that guy waits to see what decorations

I put out and then finds a way to top me.

I string lights; he strings better lights.

I put out Frosty; he puts out an elf village.

I put out Dracula; he does nothing

and I look like a jackass!

I mean, what kind of sick mind

uses a religious holiday as a weapon?

Wait. Which one is call-the-cops jerk?

That's like four of them.

Anyway, I decided to let Rendall

have his precious little Christmas victory

if it's so damned important to him.

-Okay. -I'm doing Pearl Harbor Day instead.

-What? -Pearl Harbor Day.

December 7, 1941.

The opening shot of the Second World War.

I am going to build a spectacular tribute

to those courageous soldiers.

It's going to be beautiful and dignified and uplifting...

and it's gonna be all mine.

Want to help?

Yeah. It sounds fun.

[chuckling]

Are you really gonna put up a formation of flying zombies?

Nah. I just drew them 'cause it looked cool.

Jessica, your pasta recipe is terrific.

LOIS: Look at us, eating healthy for once.

Reese, you want some more?

No.

She took over the TV; now she's taking over dinner?

This isn't even food.

Reese, it's just low-fat.

And if you knew anything at all about food,

you'd know that fats and oils are the vehicles

by which flavor travels.

Fat is what makes things taste good.

That's why a wise and loving God created fat in the first place.

She is a guest in our home, and I think it's delicious.

[quietly] She can make me take it, but she can't make me eat it.

[plate slams on table]

Do you think we should cut up some of these guys

so there's more body parts floating in the water?

Nah, that's a little gruesome.

Just melt them with a lighter.

Okay, I have a little announcement to make.

You know how last year, with the conspiracy trial

and your father and me losing our jobs,

we ended up $20,000 in debt.

Yeah?

Well, after six months of scrimping and saving

and going up to $28,000 in debt,

we are now down to $26,000 in debt!

Look out world, we're back!

I know how much you boys have sacrificed,

kicking in your paychecks and working extra shifts,

and, well, we thought you guys deserved a reward.

-Really? -This is great.

I thought she was going to start charging us for water.

So, your dad and I are taking the whole family--

andJessica-- to see...

a musical!

A what?

A musical.

From Broadway.

It's called Mamma Mia.

They take all those old ABBA songs

like "Dancing Queen," and "Fernando,"

and stick some story in between.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

Six partially obstructed seats.

At first I thought of treating

you boys to a rock concert or Motocross

or something like that, but then Jessica told me about this

and I thought this sounded perfect.

Wow! I mean, I just mentioned it

'cause it was interesting.

I didn't think you were gonna take me.

What a nice surprise.

I need your Calculus notes.

I couldn't listen to a word

Mr. Jacobson was saying

in that stupid golf shirt.

How can a man have nipples that big?

What?

You can hang out here

if you need to get away from your dad,

but don't act like we're friends, okay?

Why are you mad at me?

Because I stick up for you all the time.

You turn around and manipulate my mom

into doing something only you want to do.

Wait. You're talking about the show?

Let me explain something to you, Jessica.

My family doesn't have fun. We aren't nice.

And the one time Mom actually does do something nice,

you hijack it for your own...

I didn't do it for me, I did it for Reese.

What does Reese have to do with it?

You know what he has to do with it.

No, I don't.

Please tell me you're kidding.

About what?

Oh, my God.

You honestly don't know.

You are actually so self-involved

and narcissistic that you can't even see it.

-See what? -You know what, Malcolm?

Why don't you try to go for maybe two seconds

without thinking about yourself and see what you notice?

Stop insulting me.

What the hell are you talking about?

And it never even occurred

to you to wonder why Reese is so angry all the time?

Why he acts like such a jerk?

Because he's a jerk.

That's right. Just because he's your brother

doesn't mean you should put any thought into it.

He couldn't possibly be dealing

with anything weird and confusing.

He couldn't possibly be afraid

to admit that he wanted to go see a musical

because you'd make fun of him.

Of course I'd make fun of him.

What kind of guy wants to see a Broadway musical?

Yes, Malcolm.

What kind of a guy does want to go see a Broadway musical?

Come on.

Maybe you're not being selfish.

Maybe you're just too scared

where it leads if you think

about how much he fusses over his hair and his body

and his gourmet cooking.

Some people just don't want

to see what's right in front of their faces.

Nuh-uh.

Look, maybe I'm butting in where I don't belong,

but you're his brother,

and he should at least be able to count on you for support.

Thanks a lot for sticking us with that stupid show.

I didn't do it for me, I did it for your brother.

Malcolm's gay? I knew it!

Wow! Look at it go, huh?

They may have been responsible

for one of the most devastating attacks in American history,

but by God, they make a good toy.

[chuckling]

Is that what I think it is?

Dad, it's not really...

I'm just gonna take a little peek.

"My Dad, My Hero."

I might have jazzed it up a little.

Dewey, everything in this report is just made up.

Hmm, every word of it.

I... I never did any of this stuff.

Are you sure? I could've sworn Mom said something

about you giving your parachute to an orphan in midair.

You are not going to turn in a paper full of lies.

But, Dad, it's due on Tuesday!

You're just gonna have to find another way.

Let me explain something about heroism, son.

There are all kinds of bravery in the world.

[buzzing]

All kinds.

You don't have to be a Special Forces Ranger

or fight crime in a cape to be a hero.

There's the unsung bravery of the common man.

Normal people who prove their courage every day,

by standing up for their families or...

being decent to other people and...

[yelping]

Ooohhh!

Is it bleeding?

Ow, ow, ow.

Hey.

Hey!

You want half?

I'll fix my own.

Peanut butter's good, too.

Nothing wrong with having peanut butter.

What?

Just because I'm having ham

doesn't mean you have to have ham.

Just because we're brothers

doesn't mean we have to enjoy the same thing, right?

Exactly.

Everybody's different.

It'd be stupid if I tried to force you

to like something I liked.

Right. Plus, it wouldn't work anyway.

People can't help what they like.

That's just the way they're born.

I know. Like me,

I've never liked... ham.

Really? 'Cause maybe if you tried it...

No. But that's me.

I'm not putting it down or anything.

I hear you.

There's no...

right sandwich.

So, um... the ABBA thing...

Should be great.

Yeah, absolutely. Just great.

Hey.

Have a good snack.

You, too.

Hal, you have to get ready.

The show starts in an hour,

and we still have to drop Jamie off on the way.

Almost done. Hey, have you seen Dewey around?

I promised him he could fire-bomb the Utah.

He's doing schoolwork.

It was so sweet.

He told me this afternoon

he's writing a 300-word report about how I'm his hero.

What a wonderful night!

How could they say the theater is dead

when a spectacle like that

is being bused all over the country?

Yeah, who knew you could use the same three chords

over and over and people would sit through it for two hours?

You can be Mr. Fancy Pants music snob if you like,

but everyone else loved it.

JESSICA: Thank you for including me.

I had so much fun.

Yeah, me, too. I especially liked the part

where the father was stabbed in the back by his son.

That wasn't in the show, Hal.

Well, I saw it somewhere.

I'm glad you boys liked it so much.

I've never seen you like this.

You didn't stop smiling

at each other all night.

How could you not love a show like that?

Yeah, nothing creepy about it at all.

You guys want to listen to the CD again?

Again?

Oh, yeah. Love ABBA.

I could listen to it forever.

♪ If you change your mind ♪

♪ Take a chance... ♪ ♪ I'm the first in line ♪

♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪ ♪ Take a chance... ♪

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

♪ If you need me ♪

♪ Let me know ♪

♪ Gonna be around ♪

♪ If you got no place to go ♪

♪ If you're feelin' down ♪

♪ Take a chance, take a chance...♪

♪ If you're all alone ♪

♪ When the pretty birds have flown ♪

♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Gonna do my very best ♪

♪ And it ain't no lie ♪

♪ If you put me to the test ♪

♪ If you let me try ♪

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

♪ We can go dancing ♪

♪ We can go walking ♪

♪ As long as we're together ♪

♪ Listen to some... ♪

...and then I said, "You keep your sexist,

adolescent humor to yourself, Your Honor."

Let's just say two days of picking up trash

on the freeway never felt so good.

Wow, all these great stories:

the judge, those bikers...

I don't know any other way to say this, Mom,

but you're kind of a... bad-ass.

You know I don't appreciate that kind of language.

If anyone cares, I'll be in the garage alone,

commemorating our heroic stand

against a heartless, back-stabbing,

traitorous attack.

Okay, hon.

Then there was this time at the store

with this huge shoplifter, and he...

MAN ON TV: Beautiful Bianca is ready to make the Fashionistas swoon

in her flowing crepe jumpsuit with open neckline.

This is nice.

What'd you think of the Versace?

Well, it has a nice drape, and it seems like a...

kicky look for fall.

Yeah, I think it's...

yummy.

[both scream]

Okay, you know what?

This is stupid. We have to talk about this.

Right. I mean,

just because it's weird doesn't mean

we can't handle it. We're brothers.

Right. We've been through everything together.

We shouldn't be pussyfooting around about it.

I got you something.

Hey, I got yousomething.

Really? See, this is what I'm talking about.

We're being open and supportive and honest with each other.

Here.

What's this?

It's called "If You're Gay, It's Okay."

It's full of great resources.

What's this?

Naughty Pool Boys III.

I watched ten or 12 of these, and this one seems

to have the most stuff you guys like.

Wait. I'm not gay. You're gay.

No, I'm not. You are.

I'm not gay.

Malcolm, check out what they're doing in that movie,

and then tell me you're not gay.

No, this is...

She said...

[laughing]

Oh, my God!

You plan, you hope,

but you never think it's going turn out this good!

Stop laughing.

I don't think I can!

When you guys were dancing,

and you did that little...

Oh, my God, it was so sweet!

There's nothing more I can ask for, honestly.

You guys make me so happy!

Oh, God, it hurts!

Well, I better go drag my dad off the lawn.

He likes to fall asleep right next to the toilet.

[laughing]

See you guys at dinner.

[laughing continues]

Vendetta.

How could she be so...?

Vendetta!

Yes, vendetta.

Reese, I promise, we'll get back at her.

But we have to be careful. She's got Mom totally on her side.

Oh, yeah.

It's tricky.

Somehow, we've got to figure out a way

to turn Mom against her.

Okay, got it.

-What? -It's a little risky,

but I'll tell you one thing.

No one calls me gay and gets away with it!

[gasping]

[rattling]

Wow.

Dad, it's beautiful.

Well, I did what I could on my own.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Then he accused me of loving Mom more than him

just because I wouldn't slash her boyfriend's tires.

I'm so sorry, honey.

Parents shouldn't put their kids in the middle.

Or hit on their friends.

Boys, come get the groceries.

I hope this means we can eat soon.

Hold it.

What's that?

What? That.

A turtleneck. What do you care?

You don't wear turtlenecks.

Can I just get the groceries so we can eat?

I've got a ton of homework...

Aha!

Mom, don't! Who gave you that?

None of your business!

What is your problem, anyway?

Can't you go five seconds without butting into my life?

What?

It wasn't her, Mom! I swear!

You always think you know everything,

but you're wrong!

You're dead wrong this time!

I think you and I need to have a little talk.

-But I... -Come on.

When your mom comes out,

she's gonna want to know

what I said to you about this.

Make up something good.

He did it to me again!

I suppose you have a good explanation for this.

Not really.

Lois, I'm sorry.

I'm not going to lie to you.

I gave him the hickey

to keep him from doing something really stupid.

Excuse me?

I'm not saying I was smart either, but...

There's this girl that Malcolm's been chasing,

and she's really bad news. She's sexually active

and I'm pretty sure she's into drugs,

and the only reason why he's interested in her

is because he's so insecure about himself.

We got into this fight

and I was saying that he could do so much better

and he said that nobody liked him anyway,

and I was telling him that a lot of girls liked him

because he's sweet and cute and funny,

and then he kinda grabbed me and we started kissing

and I couldn't stop because then he would think

I was making the whole thing up and...

I'm sorry.

I didn't know what else to do.

[sobbing]

Wow, that's a pretty convincing lie for just winging it.

I mean, you went a little

overboard with the crying,

but the basic story was good.

Drug girl was a nice touch.

Creepy, a little sad.

But how did you...?

Sweetie, I'm a mother. It's my business to know.

You've got talent, but I turned pro 20 years ago.

Which isn't to say

you haven't been useful.

I never would've been able to enjoy that play in peace

if the boys weren't occupied.

And the gay thing was very entertaining.

But more important, those two idiots

actually treated each other decently for a few days.

Thank you for that.

So, here's the deal.

As of today, you are banned from this house.

You violated my trust.

I don't want you around my boys.

Knowing that,

they will automatically forgive you and sneak you back in.

You will be here every day after school until 6:00,

except Thursdays when I work until 9:30.

You will have complete run of the house,

but I want Reese to do his half hour of assigned reading

and Malcolm to complete all his college applications,

not just the Ivy Leagues.

And no junk food. Understood?

For how long?

We'll see.

"Ice Capades" are coming in a few months.

Sure would be nice to go as a family.

Do you think we have enough?

Let's hope so. I cleaned out

every bait shop in town.

What the hell did you do that for?

Your stuff was in my spot.

I would've moved it. Try asking, butt-munch.

Right, like you hear anything but the sound of your own voice.

-Get bent. -Bite me.

I liked you better when we were gay.

Me, too.

Captioned by Post Haste Digital