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1
00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:02,828
Who wants some ice cream?
2
00:00:02,915 --> 00:00:04,265
Who's been a good boy all day
3
00:00:04,352 --> 00:00:06,615
and deserves some
delicious ice cream?
4
00:00:06,702 --> 00:00:07,659
-[burbling]
-That's right,
5
00:00:07,746 --> 00:00:09,357
Jamie gets ice cream...
6
00:00:14,188 --> 00:00:15,537
That's it, Jamie.
7
00:00:15,624 --> 00:00:18,409
He sure loves his ice
cream, doesn't he?
8
00:00:20,716 --> 00:00:23,719
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
9
00:00:23,806 --> 00:00:26,113
♪ I don't know ♪
10
00:00:26,200 --> 00:00:29,464
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
11
00:00:29,551 --> 00:00:31,596
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
12
00:00:31,683 --> 00:00:34,164
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
13
00:00:34,251 --> 00:00:36,471
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
14
00:00:36,558 --> 00:00:38,647
♪ And you're not so big... ♪
15
00:00:38,734 --> 00:00:41,128
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
16
00:00:41,215 --> 00:00:43,173
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
17
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:45,654
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
18
00:00:45,741 --> 00:00:48,439
♪ And you're not so big ♪
19
00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:53,009
♪ Life is unfair ♪
20
00:00:55,533 --> 00:00:57,448
MAN ON TV:
...is home to a surprising
21
00:00:57,535 --> 00:01:00,582
number of plankton species.
22
00:01:00,669 --> 00:01:02,366
They are...
23
00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:03,411
This blows.
24
00:01:03,498 --> 00:01:04,629
Get up and change the channel.
25
00:01:04,715 --> 00:01:05,935
I didn't lose the remote.
26
00:01:06,022 --> 00:01:06,762
You get up and
change the channel.
27
00:01:06,849 --> 00:01:08,633
I didn't lose it either!
28
00:01:10,809 --> 00:01:13,377
So the stupid cops let my dad
off with another warning.
29
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:15,466
We've lived in this neighborhood
for three weeks
30
00:01:15,553 --> 00:01:17,555
-and they still haven't
carted him off yet.
-No!
31
00:01:17,642 --> 00:01:20,167
Jessica, you don't get
to keep barging in here
32
00:01:20,254 --> 00:01:21,951
every day like
you own the place!
33
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:23,474
Go back outside and knock.
34
00:01:23,561 --> 00:01:24,519
And then go away!
35
00:01:25,563 --> 00:01:27,261
Seriously,
what do you have to do
36
00:01:27,348 --> 00:01:29,306
to get popped for drunk
and disorderly around here?
37
00:01:29,393 --> 00:01:31,091
He was out on the curb
in his underpants,
38
00:01:31,178 --> 00:01:33,005
rolling burning trash
cans into the street.
39
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,921
The sad thing is, we're still
the worst family on this block.
40
00:01:36,008 --> 00:01:38,620
ANNOUNCER ON TV:
Coming up next, The Strongest
Man in the World Competition.
41
00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:39,925
Yes, finally!
42
00:01:40,012 --> 00:01:41,275
[switches channel]
43
00:01:41,362 --> 00:01:42,754
What are you doing?
44
00:01:42,841 --> 00:01:44,016
Watching House of Style.
45
00:01:44,104 --> 00:01:45,583
You don't get to change our TV!
46
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:46,802
Malcolm, back me up here!
47
00:01:46,889 --> 00:01:47,890
Reese, give her a break.
48
00:01:47,977 --> 00:01:49,326
Why? We live in just as big
49
00:01:49,413 --> 00:01:50,806
a stink-hole as she does.
50
00:01:50,893 --> 00:01:52,547
Where do we get to escape to?
51
00:01:52,634 --> 00:01:54,418
Reese, you're right.
52
00:01:54,505 --> 00:01:56,290
This is your house.
53
00:01:56,377 --> 00:01:58,030
If you don't want to watch it,
you can get up and change it.
54
00:02:00,381 --> 00:02:01,643
Nice try.
55
00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:08,301
Dad, I need some help
with my homework.
56
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,259
I don't think so, Dewey.
57
00:02:10,347 --> 00:02:11,783
I put in all this
time and effort,
58
00:02:11,870 --> 00:02:13,350
then you just have
Malcolm correct everything
59
00:02:13,437 --> 00:02:14,395
after I go to bed.
60
00:02:14,482 --> 00:02:15,787
I can't do this with Malcolm.
61
00:02:15,874 --> 00:02:17,485
I'm supposed to do
a 300-word report
62
00:02:17,572 --> 00:02:18,964
on how you're my personal hero.
63
00:02:19,051 --> 00:02:21,010
Me?
64
00:02:22,098 --> 00:02:25,884
You think I'm your... hero?
65
00:02:25,971 --> 00:02:27,190
Dad, don't freak out.
66
00:02:27,277 --> 00:02:28,583
We had to pick one
of our parents.
67
00:02:28,670 --> 00:02:30,933
Can I just watch you
for a while?
68
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:33,501
-Sure. As a matter of fact,
you can help me with myproject.
-What are you doing?
69
00:02:33,588 --> 00:02:35,155
Well, you know that
jerk across the street
70
00:02:35,242 --> 00:02:36,547
who's always got it in for me?
71
00:02:36,634 --> 00:02:38,288
Parking jerk
or lawn mower jerk?
72
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:40,856
Huh? No, Christmas
jerk! Bill Rendall.
73
00:02:40,943 --> 00:02:43,293
Every year that guy waits
to see what decorations
74
00:02:43,380 --> 00:02:45,469
I put out and then
finds a way to top me.
75
00:02:45,556 --> 00:02:47,863
I string lights; he
strings better lights.
76
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:50,082
I put out Frosty; he
puts out an elf village.
77
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,997
I put out Dracula;
he does nothing
78
00:02:52,084 --> 00:02:53,390
and I look like a jackass!
79
00:02:53,477 --> 00:02:55,000
I mean, what kind
of sick mind
80
00:02:55,087 --> 00:02:57,046
uses a religious
holiday as a weapon?
81
00:02:57,133 --> 00:02:58,569
Wait. Which one is
call-the-cops jerk?
82
00:02:58,656 --> 00:02:59,831
That's like four of them.
83
00:02:59,918 --> 00:03:01,355
Anyway, I decided
to let Rendall
84
00:03:01,442 --> 00:03:03,400
have his precious little
Christmas victory
85
00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:05,141
if it's so damned
important to him.
86
00:03:05,228 --> 00:03:08,449
-Okay.
-I'm doing
Pearl Harbor Day instead.
87
00:03:08,536 --> 00:03:10,799
-What?
-Pearl Harbor Day.
88
00:03:10,886 --> 00:03:13,671
December 7, 1941.
89
00:03:13,758 --> 00:03:16,021
The opening shot of
the Second World War.
90
00:03:16,108 --> 00:03:18,633
I am going to build
a spectacular tribute
91
00:03:18,720 --> 00:03:20,417
to those courageous soldiers.
92
00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:24,291
It's going to be beautiful
and dignified and uplifting...
93
00:03:24,378 --> 00:03:26,945
and it's gonna be all mine.
94
00:03:27,032 --> 00:03:28,208
Want to help?
95
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:29,078
Yeah. It sounds fun.
96
00:03:29,165 --> 00:03:30,906
[chuckling]
97
00:03:30,993 --> 00:03:33,735
Are you really gonna put up
a formation of flying zombies?
98
00:03:33,822 --> 00:03:38,000
Nah. I just drew them
'cause it looked cool.
99
00:03:38,087 --> 00:03:40,524
Jessica, your pasta recipe
is terrific.
100
00:03:40,611 --> 00:03:42,874
LOIS: Look at us,
eating healthy for once.
101
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:43,962
Reese, you want some more?
102
00:03:44,049 --> 00:03:45,703
No.
103
00:03:45,790 --> 00:03:47,270
She took over the TV;
now she's taking over dinner?
104
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:48,880
This isn't even food.
105
00:03:48,967 --> 00:03:50,708
Reese, it's just low-fat.
106
00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,754
And if you knew anything
at all about food,
107
00:03:52,841 --> 00:03:54,843
you'd know that fats and oils
are the vehicles
108
00:03:54,930 --> 00:03:56,192
by which flavor travels.
109
00:03:56,279 --> 00:03:58,150
Fat is what makes
things taste good.
110
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:02,198
That's why a wise and loving God
created fat in the first place.
111
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:06,246
She is a guest in our home,
and I think it's delicious.
112
00:04:08,770 --> 00:04:12,164
[quietly]
She can make me take it,
but she can't make me eat it.
113
00:04:13,862 --> 00:04:15,429
[plate slams on table]
114
00:04:15,516 --> 00:04:17,648
Do you think we should
cut up some of these guys
115
00:04:17,735 --> 00:04:19,607
so there's more body parts
floating in the water?
116
00:04:19,694 --> 00:04:20,956
Nah, that's a little gruesome.
117
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:22,479
Just melt them with a lighter.
118
00:04:22,566 --> 00:04:24,525
Okay, I have a little
announcement to make.
119
00:04:24,612 --> 00:04:26,744
You know how last year,
with the conspiracy trial
120
00:04:26,831 --> 00:04:28,442
and your father and me
losing our jobs,
121
00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:30,008
we ended up $20,000 in debt.
122
00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:31,619
Yeah?
123
00:04:31,706 --> 00:04:33,229
Well, after six months
of scrimping and saving
124
00:04:33,316 --> 00:04:35,144
and going up to $28,000 in debt,
125
00:04:35,231 --> 00:04:38,016
we are now down
to $26,000 in debt!
126
00:04:38,103 --> 00:04:39,496
Look out world, we're back!
127
00:04:39,583 --> 00:04:41,324
I know how much you boys
have sacrificed,
128
00:04:41,411 --> 00:04:43,761
kicking in your paychecks
and working extra shifts,
129
00:04:43,848 --> 00:04:46,068
and, well, we thought
you guys deserved a reward.
130
00:04:46,155 --> 00:04:47,939
-Really?
-This is great.
131
00:04:48,026 --> 00:04:50,768
I thought she was going to
start charging us for water.
132
00:04:50,855 --> 00:04:52,727
So, your dad and I
are taking the whole family--
133
00:04:52,814 --> 00:04:55,686
andJessica-- to see...
134
00:04:55,773 --> 00:04:58,080
a musical!
135
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:00,300
A what?
136
00:05:00,387 --> 00:05:01,344
A musical.
137
00:05:01,431 --> 00:05:02,780
From Broadway.
138
00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,478
It's called Mamma Mia.
139
00:05:04,565 --> 00:05:06,697
They take all those
old ABBA songs
140
00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,133
like "Dancing Queen,"
and "Fernando,"
141
00:05:08,220 --> 00:05:09,439
and stick some story in between.
142
00:05:09,526 --> 00:05:11,615
Oh, my God, you're serious.
143
00:05:11,702 --> 00:05:14,183
Six partially obstructed seats.
144
00:05:14,270 --> 00:05:15,576
At first I thought
of treating
145
00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:17,186
you boys to a rock concert
or Motocross
146
00:05:17,273 --> 00:05:19,231
or something like that, but then
Jessica told me about this
147
00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:20,624
and I thought
this sounded perfect.
148
00:05:20,711 --> 00:05:22,191
Wow! I mean, I just mentioned it
149
00:05:22,278 --> 00:05:23,584
'cause it was interesting.
150
00:05:23,671 --> 00:05:25,499
I didn't think
you were gonna take me.
151
00:05:25,586 --> 00:05:27,718
What a nice surprise.
152
00:05:31,461 --> 00:05:32,680
I need your
Calculus notes.
153
00:05:32,767 --> 00:05:33,681
I couldn't
listen to a word
154
00:05:33,768 --> 00:05:35,117
Mr. Jacobson was saying
155
00:05:35,204 --> 00:05:36,684
in that stupid golf shirt.
156
00:05:36,771 --> 00:05:38,947
How can a man have
nipples that big?
157
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:39,991
What?
158
00:05:40,078 --> 00:05:41,384
You can hang out here
159
00:05:41,471 --> 00:05:42,733
if you need to get away
from your dad,
160
00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:43,995
but don't act like
we're friends, okay?
161
00:05:44,082 --> 00:05:45,432
Why are you mad at me?
162
00:05:45,519 --> 00:05:46,781
Because I stick up
for you all the time.
163
00:05:46,868 --> 00:05:48,391
You turn around
and manipulate my mom
164
00:05:48,478 --> 00:05:50,175
into doing something
only you want to do.
165
00:05:50,262 --> 00:05:51,655
Wait. You're talking
about the show?
166
00:05:51,742 --> 00:05:53,701
Let me explain
something to you, Jessica.
167
00:05:53,788 --> 00:05:56,530
My family doesn't have fun.
We aren't nice.
168
00:05:56,617 --> 00:05:58,880
And the one time Mom actually
does do something nice,
169
00:05:58,967 --> 00:06:00,360
you hijack it
for your own...
170
00:06:00,447 --> 00:06:02,231
I didn't do it for me,
I did it for Reese.
171
00:06:02,318 --> 00:06:03,537
What does Reese
have to do with it?
172
00:06:03,624 --> 00:06:04,886
You know what he
has to do with it.
173
00:06:04,973 --> 00:06:05,930
No, I don't.
174
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:08,280
Please tell me you're kidding.
175
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:10,326
About what?
176
00:06:10,413 --> 00:06:11,893
Oh, my God.
177
00:06:11,980 --> 00:06:14,374
You honestly don't know.
178
00:06:15,636 --> 00:06:17,768
You are actually
so self-involved
179
00:06:17,855 --> 00:06:19,640
and narcissistic that
you can't even see it.
180
00:06:19,727 --> 00:06:21,729
-See what?
-You know what, Malcolm?
181
00:06:21,816 --> 00:06:23,470
Why don't you try to go
for maybe two seconds
182
00:06:23,557 --> 00:06:25,385
without thinking about yourself
and see what you notice?
183
00:06:25,472 --> 00:06:26,864
Stop insulting me.
184
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:28,562
What the hell are
you talking about?
185
00:06:28,649 --> 00:06:30,259
And it never even occurred
186
00:06:30,346 --> 00:06:32,304
to you to wonder why Reese
is so angry all the time?
187
00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:33,741
Why he acts like such a jerk?
188
00:06:33,828 --> 00:06:35,307
Because he's a jerk.
189
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:37,048
That's right. Just because
he's your brother
190
00:06:37,135 --> 00:06:38,963
doesn't mean you should
put any thought into it.
191
00:06:39,050 --> 00:06:40,574
He couldn't possibly be dealing
192
00:06:40,661 --> 00:06:42,837
with anything weird
and confusing.
193
00:06:42,924 --> 00:06:44,621
He couldn't possibly be afraid
194
00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:46,318
to admit that he wanted
to go see a musical
195
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,016
because you'd make fun of him.
196
00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:49,626
Of course I'd
make fun of him.
197
00:06:49,713 --> 00:06:51,193
What kind of guy wants
to see a Broadway musical?
198
00:06:51,280 --> 00:06:53,108
Yes, Malcolm.
199
00:06:53,195 --> 00:06:57,242
What kind of a guy does want
to go see a Broadway musical?
200
00:07:00,115 --> 00:07:01,508
Come on.
201
00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:03,248
Maybe you're not being selfish.
202
00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:04,772
Maybe you're just too scared
203
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,426
where it leads if you think
204
00:07:06,513 --> 00:07:09,080
about how much he fusses
over his hair and his body
205
00:07:09,167 --> 00:07:10,430
and his gourmet cooking.
206
00:07:10,517 --> 00:07:11,909
Some people
just don't want
207
00:07:11,996 --> 00:07:14,346
to see what's right in front
of their faces.
208
00:07:17,088 --> 00:07:18,960
Nuh-uh.
209
00:07:19,047 --> 00:07:22,137
Look, maybe I'm butting
in where I don't belong,
210
00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:23,965
but you're his brother,
211
00:07:24,052 --> 00:07:26,837
and he should at least be able
to count on you for support.
212
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,932
Thanks a lot for sticking us
with that stupid show.
213
00:07:35,019 --> 00:07:37,892
I didn't do it for me,
I did it for your brother.
214
00:07:37,979 --> 00:07:40,547
Malcolm's gay?
I knew it!
215
00:07:45,726 --> 00:07:49,338
Wow! Look at it go, huh?
216
00:07:49,425 --> 00:07:51,209
They may have been responsible
217
00:07:51,296 --> 00:07:52,472
for one of the most devastating
attacks in American history,
218
00:07:52,559 --> 00:07:53,995
but by God,
they make a good toy.
219
00:07:54,082 --> 00:07:55,039
[chuckling]
220
00:07:55,126 --> 00:07:56,954
Is that what I think it is?
221
00:07:57,041 --> 00:07:58,478
Dad, it's not really...
222
00:07:58,565 --> 00:08:00,610
I'm just gonna take
a little peek.
223
00:08:00,697 --> 00:08:03,047
"My Dad, My Hero."
224
00:08:07,704 --> 00:08:10,838
I might have jazzed it up
a little.
225
00:08:10,925 --> 00:08:13,493
Dewey, everything in this report
is just made up.
226
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:16,060
Hmm, every word of it.
227
00:08:16,147 --> 00:08:18,323
I... I never did
any of this stuff.
228
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:20,543
Are you sure? I could've
sworn Mom said something
229
00:08:20,630 --> 00:08:23,067
about you giving your parachute
to an orphan in midair.
230
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:26,767
You are not going to turn in
a paper full of lies.
231
00:08:26,854 --> 00:08:28,551
But, Dad, it's due on Tuesday!
232
00:08:28,638 --> 00:08:30,771
You're just gonna have
to find another way.
233
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:34,034
Let me explain something
about heroism, son.
234
00:08:34,121 --> 00:08:36,732
There are all kinds of
bravery in the world.
235
00:08:36,820 --> 00:08:37,691
[buzzing]
236
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:39,214
All kinds.
237
00:08:39,301 --> 00:08:41,259
You don't have to be
a Special Forces Ranger
238
00:08:41,346 --> 00:08:43,957
or fight crime in a cape
to be a hero.
239
00:08:44,044 --> 00:08:46,917
There's the unsung bravery
of the common man.
240
00:08:47,004 --> 00:08:50,051
Normal people who prove
their courage every day,
241
00:08:50,138 --> 00:08:53,141
by standing up
for their families or...
242
00:08:53,228 --> 00:08:54,751
being decent
to other people and...
243
00:08:54,838 --> 00:08:57,667
[yelping]
244
00:08:57,754 --> 00:08:59,234
Ooohhh!
245
00:08:59,321 --> 00:09:00,844
Is it bleeding?
246
00:09:00,931 --> 00:09:02,411
Ow, ow, ow.
247
00:09:08,112 --> 00:09:09,766
Hey.
248
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:10,767
Hey!
249
00:09:16,947 --> 00:09:17,861
You want half?
250
00:09:17,948 --> 00:09:19,254
I'll fix my own.
251
00:09:27,567 --> 00:09:29,699
Peanut butter's good, too.
252
00:09:29,786 --> 00:09:31,353
Nothing wrong
with having peanut butter.
253
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,876
What?
254
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:34,138
Just because I'm having ham
255
00:09:34,225 --> 00:09:35,705
doesn't mean you
have to have ham.
256
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,186
Just because we're brothers
257
00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:40,188
doesn't mean we have to enjoy
the same thing, right?
258
00:09:41,972 --> 00:09:42,973
Exactly.
259
00:09:43,060 --> 00:09:44,366
Everybody's different.
260
00:09:44,453 --> 00:09:45,976
It'd be stupid
if I tried to force you
261
00:09:46,063 --> 00:09:47,195
to like something I liked.
262
00:09:47,282 --> 00:09:49,414
Right. Plus,
it wouldn't work anyway.
263
00:09:49,501 --> 00:09:50,764
People can't help what
they like.
264
00:09:50,851 --> 00:09:52,113
That's just the way
they're born.
265
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,767
I know. Like me,
266
00:09:53,854 --> 00:09:56,770
I've never liked... ham.
267
00:09:56,857 --> 00:09:58,989
Really? 'Cause maybe
if you tried it...
268
00:09:59,076 --> 00:10:01,557
No. But that's me.
269
00:10:01,644 --> 00:10:03,080
I'm not putting it
down or anything.
270
00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,299
I hear you.
271
00:10:04,386 --> 00:10:05,692
There's no...
272
00:10:05,779 --> 00:10:08,608
right sandwich.
273
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:15,136
So, um... the ABBA thing...
274
00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:16,224
Should be great.
275
00:10:16,311 --> 00:10:17,660
Yeah, absolutely.
Just great.
276
00:10:21,359 --> 00:10:22,534
Hey.
277
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:25,537
Have a good snack.
278
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,539
You, too.
279
00:10:29,498 --> 00:10:31,239
Hal, you have
to get ready.
280
00:10:31,326 --> 00:10:32,675
The show starts in an hour,
281
00:10:32,762 --> 00:10:34,329
and we still have to drop
Jamie off on the way.
282
00:10:34,416 --> 00:10:36,810
Almost done. Hey, have
you seen Dewey around?
283
00:10:36,897 --> 00:10:38,812
I promised him he could
fire-bomb the Utah.
284
00:10:38,899 --> 00:10:39,987
He's doing schoolwork.
285
00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:41,162
It was so sweet.
286
00:10:41,249 --> 00:10:42,903
He told me this afternoon
287
00:10:42,990 --> 00:10:45,383
he's writing a 300-word report
about how I'm his hero.
288
00:10:51,215 --> 00:10:52,913
What a wonderful night!
289
00:10:53,000 --> 00:10:54,958
How could they say
the theater is dead
290
00:10:55,045 --> 00:10:56,307
when a spectacle
like that
291
00:10:56,394 --> 00:10:57,961
is being bused
all over the country?
292
00:10:58,048 --> 00:11:00,050
Yeah, who knew you could use
the same three chords
293
00:11:00,137 --> 00:11:03,097
over and over and people would
sit through it for two hours?
294
00:11:03,184 --> 00:11:05,926
You can be Mr. Fancy Pants
music snob if you like,
295
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:07,318
but everyone else loved it.
296
00:11:09,973 --> 00:11:10,974
JESSICA:
Thank you for including me.
297
00:11:11,061 --> 00:11:12,454
I had so much fun.
298
00:11:12,541 --> 00:11:14,325
Yeah, me, too.
I especially liked the part
299
00:11:14,412 --> 00:11:16,501
where the father was stabbed
in the back by his son.
300
00:11:16,588 --> 00:11:17,894
That wasn't in
the show, Hal.
301
00:11:17,981 --> 00:11:19,156
Well, I saw it somewhere.
302
00:11:20,418 --> 00:11:22,333
I'm glad you boys
liked it so much.
303
00:11:22,420 --> 00:11:24,161
I've never seen
you like this.
304
00:11:24,248 --> 00:11:25,467
You didn't stop smiling
305
00:11:25,554 --> 00:11:26,947
at each other all night.
306
00:11:27,034 --> 00:11:29,558
How could you not love
a show like that?
307
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:32,082
Yeah, nothing creepy
about it at all.
308
00:11:32,169 --> 00:11:33,083
You guys want to listen
to the CD again?
309
00:11:33,170 --> 00:11:34,868
Again?
310
00:11:34,955 --> 00:11:36,608
Oh, yeah. Love ABBA.
311
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,436
I could listen
to it forever.
312
00:11:38,523 --> 00:11:41,091
♪ If you change your mind ♪
313
00:11:41,178 --> 00:11:43,877
♪ Take a chance... ♪
♪ I'm the first in line ♪
314
00:11:43,964 --> 00:11:45,400
♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪
♪ Take a chance... ♪
315
00:11:45,487 --> 00:11:47,837
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
316
00:11:47,924 --> 00:11:49,012
♪ If you need me ♪
317
00:11:49,099 --> 00:11:50,274
♪ Let me know ♪
318
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,320
♪ Gonna be around ♪
319
00:11:52,407 --> 00:11:54,278
♪ If you got no place to go ♪
320
00:11:54,365 --> 00:11:56,933
♪ If you're feelin' down ♪
321
00:11:57,020 --> 00:11:58,500
♪ Take a chance,
take a chance...♪
322
00:11:58,587 --> 00:12:00,545
♪ If you're all alone ♪
323
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:02,634
♪ When the pretty birds
have flown ♪
324
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:04,680
♪ Honey, I'm still free ♪
325
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:07,074
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
326
00:12:07,161 --> 00:12:09,554
♪ Gonna do my very best ♪
327
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:11,469
♪ And it ain't no lie ♪
328
00:12:11,556 --> 00:12:14,211
♪ If you put me to the test ♪
329
00:12:14,298 --> 00:12:16,170
♪ If you let me try ♪
330
00:12:16,257 --> 00:12:18,302
♪ Take a chance on me ♪
331
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:22,785
♪ We can go dancing ♪
332
00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:25,483
♪ We can go walking ♪
333
00:12:25,570 --> 00:12:29,487
♪ As long as we're together ♪
334
00:12:29,574 --> 00:12:30,750
♪ Listen to some... ♪
335
00:12:32,186 --> 00:12:34,101
...and then I said,
"You keep your sexist,
336
00:12:34,188 --> 00:12:37,669
adolescent humor to yourself,
Your Honor."
337
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,976
Let's just say two days
of picking up trash
338
00:12:40,063 --> 00:12:41,586
on the freeway
never felt so good.
339
00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:43,371
Wow, all these great stories:
340
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,852
the judge, those bikers...
341
00:12:45,939 --> 00:12:47,462
I don't know any other way
to say this, Mom,
342
00:12:47,549 --> 00:12:49,377
but you're kind of a... bad-ass.
343
00:12:49,464 --> 00:12:52,075
You know I don't appreciate
that kind of language.
344
00:12:52,162 --> 00:12:55,296
If anyone cares,
I'll be in the garage alone,
345
00:12:55,383 --> 00:12:56,601
commemorating our heroic stand
346
00:12:56,688 --> 00:12:59,300
against a heartless,
back-stabbing,
347
00:12:59,387 --> 00:13:01,041
traitorous attack.
348
00:13:01,128 --> 00:13:02,346
Okay, hon.
349
00:13:02,433 --> 00:13:03,695
Then there was this time
at the store
350
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:06,220
with this huge
shoplifter, and he...
351
00:13:06,307 --> 00:13:09,614
MAN ON TV:
Beautiful Bianca is ready
to make the Fashionistas swoon
352
00:13:09,701 --> 00:13:12,226
in her flowing crepe jumpsuit
with open neckline.
353
00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:13,401
This is nice.
354
00:13:13,488 --> 00:13:15,446
What'd you think
of the Versace?
355
00:13:15,533 --> 00:13:20,364
Well, it has a nice drape,
and it seems like a...
356
00:13:20,451 --> 00:13:22,540
kicky look for fall.
357
00:13:22,627 --> 00:13:25,543
Yeah, I think it's...
358
00:13:25,630 --> 00:13:27,284
yummy.
359
00:13:29,025 --> 00:13:30,200
[both scream]
360
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:34,248
Okay, you know what?
361
00:13:34,335 --> 00:13:36,293
This is stupid.
We have to talk about this.
362
00:13:36,380 --> 00:13:37,642
Right.
I mean,
363
00:13:37,729 --> 00:13:38,992
just because it's
weird doesn't mean
364
00:13:39,079 --> 00:13:40,341
we can't handle it.
We're brothers.
365
00:13:40,428 --> 00:13:41,908
Right. We've been through
everything together.
366
00:13:41,995 --> 00:13:44,649
We shouldn't be pussyfooting
around about it.
367
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:45,868
I got you something.
368
00:13:45,955 --> 00:13:47,391
Hey, I got yousomething.
369
00:13:47,478 --> 00:13:49,959
Really? See, this is
what I'm talking about.
370
00:13:50,046 --> 00:13:51,961
We're being open and
supportive and honest
with each other.
371
00:13:52,048 --> 00:13:52,962
Here.
372
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:55,356
What's this?
373
00:13:55,443 --> 00:13:57,488
It's called "If You're Gay,
It's Okay."
374
00:13:57,575 --> 00:13:59,099
It's full
of great resources.
375
00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:00,100
What's this?
376
00:14:00,187 --> 00:14:01,710
Naughty Pool Boys III.
377
00:14:01,797 --> 00:14:04,234
I watched ten or 12 of these,
and this one seems
378
00:14:04,321 --> 00:14:05,801
to have the most stuff
you guys like.
379
00:14:05,888 --> 00:14:09,718
Wait. I'm not gay.
You're gay.
380
00:14:09,805 --> 00:14:11,111
No, I'm not. You are.
381
00:14:11,198 --> 00:14:12,939
I'm not gay.
382
00:14:13,026 --> 00:14:14,331
Malcolm, check out
what they're doing
in that movie,
383
00:14:14,418 --> 00:14:15,463
and then tell me
you're not gay.
384
00:14:15,550 --> 00:14:17,465
No, this is...
385
00:14:17,552 --> 00:14:18,988
She said...
386
00:14:21,425 --> 00:14:24,254
[laughing]
387
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:32,654
Oh, my God!
388
00:14:32,741 --> 00:14:34,699
You plan, you hope,
389
00:14:34,786 --> 00:14:38,790
but you never think
it's going turn out this good!
390
00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,705
Stop laughing.
391
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:42,707
I don't think I can!
392
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:45,928
When you guys were dancing,
393
00:14:46,015 --> 00:14:47,930
and you did that little...
394
00:14:48,017 --> 00:14:49,714
Oh, my God, it was so sweet!
395
00:14:51,586 --> 00:14:54,719
There's nothing more
I can ask for, honestly.
396
00:14:54,806 --> 00:14:56,634
You guys make me so happy!
397
00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:58,854
Oh, God, it hurts!
398
00:15:00,769 --> 00:15:02,727
Well, I better go drag
my dad off the lawn.
399
00:15:02,814 --> 00:15:05,643
He likes to fall asleep
right next to the toilet.
400
00:15:05,730 --> 00:15:06,775
[laughing]
401
00:15:06,862 --> 00:15:08,820
See you guys
at dinner.
402
00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:12,128
[laughing continues]
403
00:15:12,215 --> 00:15:13,129
Vendetta.
404
00:15:13,216 --> 00:15:14,130
How could she be so...?
405
00:15:14,217 --> 00:15:15,479
Vendetta!
406
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:16,959
Yes, vendetta.
407
00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:18,961
Reese, I promise,
we'll get back at her.
408
00:15:19,048 --> 00:15:23,096
But we have to be careful.
She's got Mom
totally on her side.
409
00:15:23,183 --> 00:15:24,184
Oh, yeah.
410
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:25,620
It's tricky.
411
00:15:25,707 --> 00:15:26,751
Somehow, we've got
to figure out a way
412
00:15:26,838 --> 00:15:27,883
to turn Mom against her.
413
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,276
Okay, got it.
414
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:31,408
-What?
-It's a little risky,
415
00:15:31,495 --> 00:15:32,888
but I'll tell you
one thing.
416
00:15:32,975 --> 00:15:34,934
No one calls me gay
and gets away with it!
417
00:15:35,021 --> 00:15:37,240
[gasping]
418
00:15:42,115 --> 00:15:44,160
[rattling]
419
00:15:51,689 --> 00:15:52,690
Wow.
420
00:16:00,176 --> 00:16:01,525
Dad, it's beautiful.
421
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:04,964
Well, I did what
I could on my own.
422
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:07,357
Yeah.
423
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:08,706
Sorry.
424
00:16:12,275 --> 00:16:14,669
Then he accused me
of loving Mom more than him
425
00:16:14,756 --> 00:16:16,976
just because I wouldn't slash
her boyfriend's tires.
426
00:16:17,063 --> 00:16:18,412
I'm so sorry, honey.
427
00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,501
Parents shouldn't put
their kids in the middle.
428
00:16:20,588 --> 00:16:22,285
Or hit on their friends.
429
00:16:22,372 --> 00:16:24,200
Boys, come get the groceries.
430
00:16:24,287 --> 00:16:26,289
I hope this means
we can eat soon.
431
00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:27,508
Hold it.
432
00:16:27,595 --> 00:16:28,770
What's that?
433
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:31,164
What?
That.
434
00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:32,426
A turtleneck.
What do you care?
435
00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:33,905
You don't wear
turtlenecks.
436
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,472
Can I just get the groceries
so we can eat?
437
00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:36,647
I've got a ton of homework...
438
00:16:36,734 --> 00:16:37,909
Aha!
439
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,476
Mom, don't!
Who gave you that?
440
00:16:39,563 --> 00:16:40,782
None of your business!
441
00:16:40,869 --> 00:16:42,566
What is your problem,
anyway?
442
00:16:42,653 --> 00:16:45,743
Can't you go five seconds
without butting into my life?
443
00:16:47,310 --> 00:16:48,398
What?
444
00:16:48,485 --> 00:16:50,748
It wasn't her, Mom!
I swear!
445
00:16:50,835 --> 00:16:52,054
You always think
you know everything,
446
00:16:52,141 --> 00:16:53,055
but you're wrong!
447
00:16:53,142 --> 00:16:55,579
You're dead wrong
this time!
448
00:16:55,666 --> 00:16:58,104
I think you and I need
to have a little talk.
449
00:16:58,191 --> 00:16:59,453
-But I...
-Come on.
450
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,502
When your mom comes out,
451
00:17:05,589 --> 00:17:07,156
she's gonna want
to know
452
00:17:07,242 --> 00:17:09,115
what I said
to you about this.
453
00:17:09,202 --> 00:17:10,420
Make up something good.
454
00:17:29,222 --> 00:17:31,833
He did it to me again!
455
00:17:36,011 --> 00:17:38,057
I suppose you have
a good explanation
for this.
456
00:17:38,144 --> 00:17:39,884
Not really.
457
00:17:39,971 --> 00:17:40,929
Lois, I'm sorry.
458
00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:42,713
I'm not going to lie to you.
459
00:17:42,800 --> 00:17:44,193
I gave him the hickey
460
00:17:44,280 --> 00:17:46,282
to keep him from doing something
really stupid.
461
00:17:46,369 --> 00:17:47,762
Excuse me?
462
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:49,329
I'm not saying
I was smart either, but...
463
00:17:49,416 --> 00:17:51,026
There's this girl
that Malcolm's been chasing,
464
00:17:51,113 --> 00:17:53,550
and she's really bad news.
She's sexually active
465
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:55,204
and I'm pretty sure
she's into drugs,
466
00:17:55,291 --> 00:17:57,424
and the only reason why
he's interested in her
467
00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:59,948
is because he's so insecure
about himself.
468
00:18:00,035 --> 00:18:02,037
We got into this fight
469
00:18:02,124 --> 00:18:04,866
and I was saying that
he could do so much better
470
00:18:04,953 --> 00:18:07,347
and he said that nobody
liked him anyway,
471
00:18:07,434 --> 00:18:09,305
and I was telling him
that a lot of girls liked him
472
00:18:09,392 --> 00:18:11,873
because he's sweet
and cute and funny,
473
00:18:11,960 --> 00:18:14,397
and then he kinda grabbed me
and we started kissing
474
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:16,704
and I couldn't stop
because then he would think
475
00:18:16,791 --> 00:18:18,619
I was making the whole thing up
and...
476
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,144
I'm sorry.
477
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:24,799
I didn't know what else to do.
478
00:18:24,886 --> 00:18:26,148
[sobbing]
479
00:18:27,715 --> 00:18:30,500
Wow, that's a pretty convincing
lie for just winging it.
480
00:18:31,545 --> 00:18:32,415
I mean, you went a little
481
00:18:32,502 --> 00:18:33,634
overboard with the crying,
482
00:18:33,721 --> 00:18:34,722
but the basic story was good.
483
00:18:34,809 --> 00:18:36,245
Drug girl was a nice touch.
484
00:18:36,332 --> 00:18:37,812
Creepy, a little sad.
485
00:18:37,899 --> 00:18:39,727
But how did you...?
486
00:18:39,814 --> 00:18:44,166
Sweetie, I'm a mother.
It's my business to know.
487
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:46,951
You've got talent,
but I turned pro 20 years ago.
488
00:18:47,038 --> 00:18:48,257
Which isn't to say
489
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:50,216
you haven't been useful.
490
00:18:50,303 --> 00:18:52,261
I never would've been able
to enjoy that play in peace
491
00:18:52,348 --> 00:18:53,697
if the boys weren't occupied.
492
00:18:53,784 --> 00:18:55,482
And the gay thing
was very entertaining.
493
00:18:55,569 --> 00:18:57,484
But more important,
those two idiots
494
00:18:57,571 --> 00:19:00,313
actually treated each other
decently for a few days.
495
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:02,532
Thank you for that.
496
00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:05,144
So, here's the deal.
497
00:19:05,231 --> 00:19:06,841
As of today,
you are banned from this house.
498
00:19:06,928 --> 00:19:08,451
You violated my trust.
499
00:19:08,538 --> 00:19:09,887
I don't want you around my boys.
500
00:19:10,975 --> 00:19:12,760
Knowing that,
501
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:17,112
they will automatically forgive
you and sneak you back in.
502
00:19:17,199 --> 00:19:19,419
You will be here every day
after school until 6:00,
503
00:19:19,506 --> 00:19:21,464
except Thursdays
when I work until 9:30.
504
00:19:21,551 --> 00:19:23,249
You will have complete run
of the house,
505
00:19:23,336 --> 00:19:26,121
but I want Reese to do his
half hour of assigned reading
506
00:19:26,208 --> 00:19:28,210
and Malcolm to complete
all his college applications,
507
00:19:28,297 --> 00:19:29,516
not just the Ivy Leagues.
508
00:19:29,603 --> 00:19:32,301
And no junk food.
Understood?
509
00:19:32,388 --> 00:19:33,781
For how long?
510
00:19:33,868 --> 00:19:35,086
We'll see.
511
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:36,914
"Ice Capades" are coming
in a few months.
512
00:19:37,001 --> 00:19:39,787
Sure would be nice
to go as a family.
513
00:19:43,747 --> 00:19:44,835
Do you think we have enough?
514
00:19:44,922 --> 00:19:46,750
Let's hope so.
I cleaned out
515
00:19:46,837 --> 00:19:48,274
every bait shop in town.
516
00:21:26,502 --> 00:21:28,069
What the hell
did you do that for?
517
00:21:28,156 --> 00:21:29,897
Your stuff was in my spot.
518
00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:31,681
I would've moved it.
Try asking, butt-munch.
519
00:21:31,768 --> 00:21:34,554
Right, like you hear anything
but the sound of your own voice.
520
00:21:34,641 --> 00:21:36,251
-Get bent.
-Bite me.
521
00:21:38,775 --> 00:21:40,734
I liked you better
when we were gay.
522
00:21:40,821 --> 00:21:43,302
Me, too.
523
00:22:20,469 --> 00:22:22,384
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