Original subtitles

[clinking]

[clinking]

[playing "Ode to Joy"]

LOIS: I said wash them!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair ♪

[laughter]

HAL: That was a good one, Abe.

LOIS: Reese, stop it.

You're going to give yourself leprosy.

ABE: Thank you so much

for letting us be a part of Dewey's birthday.

You enjoying your special day, son?

I expect nothing, and I'm still let down.

It sure is.

I hope you like your present, honey.

You know, birthdays are going to be a little thin around here

until we get back on our feet.

No, I love

my Quarters of America.

See, we started you out

with California and Maine.

Oops. These are both Maine.

Well, guess you won't be needing this one.

Where's Francis?

He was supposed to be here for my party.

Oh, he called. There was a TV show

he wanted to finish watching.

He'll get here after your bedtime.

ABE: Listen, I don't want

to step on Dewey's big day here...

Don't worry about it.

But I just can't keep the news to myself.

Stevie has been chosen to receive

a Teen Courtesy Award!

Oh!

That's fantastic.

I don't know anyone

who deserves it more.

What is it?

The International

Courtesy Association is awarding him a Gallant.

That's the award

they give to the youngster who best observes

the teen courtesy pledge

to be clean, quiet, polite and obedient.

Congratulations, Stevie.

Thank you.

See? He can't turn it off.

Well, we're all very proud of you, Stevie.

I'd keep this courtesy award to myself.

That cripple thing will only protect you so much.

ABE: The award dinner's

on the 12th. We want you all to come.

You've been so good to us through "the difficulties."

You've been just like family.

How's the divorce going, Abe?

Have you been able to find Kitty?

No address, but when I searched the Internet

I found some interesting pictures of her.

From what I could tell, she seems to have

overcome her fear of meeting new people.

But, hey, I'm looking forward.

Why just yesterday, this cute new teller at my bank

-started flirting with me. -Really?

Get this. She told me I forgot to "date" my check.

"Date," Hal.

Whoa. [forced laugh]

You excited about this courtesy award?

I'll need...

your help...

with my...

acceptance speech.

There are...

so many...

people to...

thank.

Have you thought about a blanket thank you?

I have...

a plan.

Oh, my God! This is so cool!

Did you know that underneath your skin,

there's more skin?

Why have I always been so careful?

Thanks for a wonderful night. You know what?

I'm seriously thinking about dropping by my bank tomorrow

and asking that new teller for some penny rolls.

Hey, Mr. Hot Stuff, save some for the other fellas.

[both laughing]

-Bye-bye, guys. -Good night.

ABE: Bye. Come on, son.

Kitty?! Kitty Kenarban?

How long have you been out there?

Not long. All night.

It looked like a lovely party.

Hi, Hal.

Hi, Kitty.

I should just...

um...

Hmm.

What are you doing here?

Well, I've sort of been stalking my family,

trying to get the nerve to talk to them.

I want to come back.

You want to come back?

I know what I did was terrible.

I don't know what happened to me.

I guess I'd spent so much of my life

being righteous and uptight and good,

that something in me finally snapped

and I had to be bad.

The last two years of my life

have been a nightmarish blur

of booze binges and hotel rooms.

There were so many parties, so many weird scenes.

The childhood game of musical chairs

will never be the same for me.

Neither will Chutes and Ladders,

Candyland, or Capture the Flag.

You know what's really amazing?

Now that I have done literally everything...

I'm finished. I'm done.

You've done everything?

And now I'm done. Done for good.

Wait, I don't get Candyland.

I am so sorry

for what I've done.

I just want throw myself at Abe's feet

and beg his forgiveness, but it just seems impossible.

Could you find it in your hearts to maybe talk to him for me?

Oh, Kitty...

There's not a chance in the world

I would ever do that for you.

But, I...

You abandoned your family.

Do you have any idea of the pain

and humiliation you inflicted

on that dear, sweet man and that poor, innocent boy?

I know you and I used to be friends,

but what you've done is so creepy and evil,

it doesn't get fixed with "I'm sorry."

It just doesn't.

Yeah, that's pretty much it.

[door opens noisily]

Hey, where's the party?!

Oh, hi, Kitty.

Okay.

We'll catch up later.

FRANCIS: Okay, Dewey...

since you are now officially old enough,

today is the day

we start your initiation into full brotherhood.

-Wow, really? -Yep.

Reese went through this, Malcolm went through this

and now it is your turn.

-Neat. When do we start? -Right now.

Get out of bed and lie down

on the Floor of Brotherhood.

And give me the Pillow of Fraternity.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Abe.

We need to talk.

What's going on?

ABE: Give me a second.

I'm just so... agitated.

-What's the matter? -Kitty came over last night.

Oh, Abe. Would you like some tea or something?

No, thank you. But I would like some clarification.

-What? -Did you actually call

the woman I love "creepy and evil"?

Wait a minute. You're mad at me?!

What happened, Abe?

Kitty and I talked all night long.

She told me about everything.

Every horrifying detail was covered,

and by morning we decided

to try and make a go of it.

Stevie's over the moon.

The boy needs a mother...

and Lord knows I need a wife.

Wow.

So, in the future, Lois,

I'd appreciate a bit

more support and respect for my wife.

You're mad at me?!

You're going to pretend

that the last two years just didn't happen?

No, but I don't see the need for you

to bring it up when you're not an affected party.

REESE: You guys have to see this.

You know how you thought

I would never do anything with my life?

Well, prepare to be blown away!

I'm going for the full body, head to toe.

One continuous skin.

It'll be the greatest thing ever.

Reese, get that off my chair

and get out of here.

We're discussing something important.

Fine. You're not getting one dime off the film rights.

Abe, how can you be mad at me?

I've been there for you,

day after day, month after month,

through all the dinners and the tearful phone conversations,

the parent-teacher conferences for Stevie.

For God's sake, Abe, I'm your friend.

Then I wish you'd start acting like one.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a wedding album I have to tape back together.

Receive the mystic waters

that unite us in fraternal bonds.

[toilet flushing]

For though we are divided by maternal evil,

so shall we be...

[gasping] Okay, I felt something down there.

Okay, Dewey, eat up.

You're going to need your nourishment if you're

gonna get through these next three days.

You took three days off work to do this?

Quit stalling and suck ants.

STEVIE: Most...

of all...

I'd like...

to thank...

...my father.

-[beep] -Got it.

[tape rewinding]

STEVIE ON TAPE: Ladies and gentlemen,

friends and family,

esteemed colleagues of courtesy, you honor me.

But I can't let this occasion pass

without remarking that you all share in this award.

Tonight helped me raise the banner of cordiality

and strike a blow for civility as we kiss rudeness good-bye

and wish it well, and furth...

Reese!

We're working on Stevie's speech.

I'm at a critical juncture here.

I've hit a mole, and I'm trying to decide

if I should work around it or try to dig it out.

The roots are pretty shallow.

That's grotesque, Reese.

You don't understand

the important work I'm doing here, Malcolm.

I'm creating a whole new Reese.

Shedding my old life.

That's how snakes live forever.

You're an idiot.

I thought you boys might like some chips

and lemonade.

No thanks.

My creepy mom... gave me juice.

It's not right, Hal.

It's just not right. What business

do they have being angry at me?

Kitty ruined their lives. She tore them apart.

She tortured them for two years, and I'm the bad guy?

I'm not the one with an S.T.D. named after me.

I'm not the one

who smuggled Lord knows what in Lord knows where

across the Turkish border.

[snoring noise]

-Hal? -What?

You're absolutely right, honey.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Hal, you're really not helping.

I'm sorry, Lois,

but you sort of brought this on yourself.

I mean, you should have known better

than to say something bad about the girl

after a guy breaks up with her.

They always wind up getting back together.

This isn't Biff and Buffie

breaking up before the high school dance!

I just, I don't understand how he could take her back.

He's in love with her.

And despite everything that's happened,

he's still in love with her.

I understand that.

I would take you back if it happened to us.

Oh, you would not. How can you say that?

There's no life without you.

Oh, shut up and go to sleep.

Aren't you a little old for this?

[ceremoniously] Prepare to drink

from the Chalice of Brotherhood.

Something smells horrible.

Is that the drip pan?

[ceremoniously] You're not supposed to know.

I'm not drinking from that. It's disgusting.

Yes, it is disgusting, but it must be done.

Oh, man...

[gagging and coughing]

Awesome, Dewey. You did it!

I'm done?

You passed with flying colors.

You are now a full brother.

And now I would like to present to you...

The Cookie of Brotherhood.

-That's it? -What do you mean?

I ate all that crap for a stupid cookie?

It's a meaningful cookie.

It's a symbol of something really cool and special,

you little ingrate!

It's a symbol of what an idiot I am!

You know nothing of fraternity and sacred rituals!

Give me back my cookie.

Well, I hit a little bump in the road.

I totally forgot I wasn't sunburned

underneath my swimming suit.

Are you wearing leg warmers?

Anything worth doing

is worth doing right.

And save. I think this is going to work.

Why is...

your mom...

so mean?

I guess when you find something

you're really good at, you just stick with it.

I'm glad...

you understand...

about my mom.

Why would you ever think that?

What?

Stevie, I'm sure whatever my mom said

was way too harsh and totally unjustified.

But your mom abandoned you guys.

Don't you even care about all the crap

she put you and your dad through?

She shouldn't be able to just say "I'm sorry"

and get away with it.

This... conversation...

is... over!

Right... now.

Can anyone help me?

I can't reach this.

Get that thing out of here!

You're spending all this time with Stevie,

helping him with his little wussy award,

and you won't help someone in your own family

reach immortality?!

-Move! -MALCOLM: Stevie...

Wait! Wait, guys!

Okay. Okay. I see how it is.

You want my dream to die!

I'm sorry you guys

are gonna miss Stevie's award.

Make sure you keep checking in on Dewey.

What did the doctor say?

It's weird.

He said it's some kind of intestinal thing

that people in Third World countries

get from drinking stagnant water.

Huh. That is weird.

You know you don't have to go.

Oh, Hal, Stevie's a wonderful boy.

I'm going to go and support him.

He doesn't want you there.

Well, that's too damn bad.

I'm going to support him whether he wants it or not.

They think I'm the one

with the problem, and they are wrong.

Hal, they are wrong.

And I'm not gonna let them get away with it.

I just think it's gonna a little uncomfortable.

Oh, I guarantee it's gonna be uncomfortable.

And if you do anything to make it any less uncomfortable,

I will never forgive you.

-♪ Pardon me ♪ -♪ It's nice to meet ya ♪

-♪ In our posse ♪ -♪ That's how we greet ya ♪

♪ Hip hop hooray, argh ♪

[applause]

WOMAN: Oh, thank you,

Sir Please-A-Lot and Jam Master. Thank You.

Who says rap has to be rude?

[applause]

I wish I could thank each and every one of you

for making this night possible,

-but there isn't time. -AUDIENCE: Aww...

I'm kidding.

Of course there is.

Aaron Aaronson, Barnet Aaronson,

Barnet Aaronson, Jr....

I can't believe you brought that thing with you.

It has a name, Malcolm.

Even though the mashed potatoes

are not supposed to come with the duck,

cram them in there anyway,

whether the duck likes it or not.

WAITER: Ma'am?

The beef.

Even though it's the carrots

that are the problem,

I'd like to exclude the broccoli.

That may work as a metaphor, ma'am,

but you're really screwing up your entrée.

I'll just have another margarita.

Oh, and, and, and hurry.

It's sort of an emergency.

Need another roll in there, Dewey?

DEWEY: Shut up!

I'm really sorry.

I got carried away.

I just... I miss you guys.

And let's face it, torture and humiliation are

the only ways we've ever known to say we love each other.

DEWEY: You know you're only making yourself feel better.

Okay, okay.

I want to give you something, Dewey.

Something special.

I've never even told Reese or Malcolm about it.

It's like the ultimate defense against Mom and Dad.

Totally bulletproof.

I'm listening.

In Mom and Dad's bedroom,

on the nightstand next to Mom's side

is a big vanilla candle.

-Have you seen it? -Yeah.

Mom and Dad like to use that candle when they, um...

lock their door and do grown-up stuff.

You mean sex.

I'm afraid so.

Now it's gotten to the point

that every time that candle's lit,

all they can think about is...

going back to their room.

I have never seen it miss.

Wow. Thanks.

We are now Brothers of the Candle.

Francis, you gotta stop that.

[murmuring conversation]

I'll have another margarita.

Well, I'm learning a lot tonight.

I never dreamt there were so many ways of saying thank you.

I wish there were more ways to say you're not welcome.

Excuse me.

HAL: You know what I never have?

A margarita.

Oh! Ooh. Ah.

Lois, please, this is just too tense.

I'm sorry, I don't have amnesia.

You're the only one who has a problem with this.

HAL: You are one polite old bag, you know that, honey?

Excuse me.

HAL: Come here, oldie, give us a hug.

He's cut off.

Hey, that's Kitty Kenarban at your table, right?

Yeah.

So are both of you into the same scene?

You know, "snip, snip, reow"?

I beg your pardon?

Ah, nothing, nothing.

Uh, listen, um... could you give this to Kitty?

We were both in the, uh, choir together,

and I thought she'd like to join us for practice some time.

I'd be happy to.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

beloved PBS children's TV icon Frank Walston.

[applause]

Before we bring out our guest of honor,

I'd like to say a few words about courtesy.

Now I know that good manners sometimes seem like

just a bunch of dumb old rules our parents invented

so they could scold us...

HAL: You got that right!

But-but manners are so much more.

Only human beings have a system

that reminds us to care about each other.

It is how we live in grace.

Manners are what allow us to be kind to each other,

to live with each other,

but most importantly, they are how we forgive each other.

And in the end, they allow us

to listen to the voices of our better angels.

Now, can I tell you my favorite thing about manners?

[Walston's voice trails off]

Kitty, please forgive me.

WALSTON: Well, the best part

is yet to come.

So, let us give a warm courtesy welcome

to this year's Gallant,

no Goofus he, our own Stevie Kenarban.

Whoo!

[whistling]

Whoo hoo!

[mic feedback]

Ladies and gentleman, friends and family,

esteemed colleagues of courtesy, you honor me.

But I can't let this occasion pass

without remarking that you all blow, blow, blow, blow.

It means so much and requires so little to take a moment

to kiss my butt.

[audience gasping]

In conclusion, I feel the evening would be incomplete

without telling the world that I am actually a lady.

Thank you. Go... to... hell.

HAL: He can talk!

He's cured!

[vacuum running]

Reese, your punishment isn't over

until that bathroom floor

is so clean, you could eat off of it,

which is what you're gonna be doing for the next two weeks.

And get rid of that thing.

It's disgusting!

Disgusting?

If Malcolm made another him out of hair,

you'd be throwing a parade for him right now!

Aaah, no!

It just took it.

[vacuum cleaner creaking and straining]

That could have been me.

I need a few minutes alone with the vacuum.

You're supposed to sign this.

"Disrupted class"?

"Insulted the teacher"?

Dewey, you are in so much...

-[exhaling] -...trouble!

Okay, first off, we have to

figure out a punish... uh...

Punishment.

That's right. And it's gonna

be really, really... Mmm...

-That's nice, honey. -[clearing throat]

You are going to... uh, to...

Uh, Dewey, we're gonna talk about this later.

That's right.

Lois, there's something in the bedroom

-I have wanted to show you. -Mm.

Captioned by Post Haste Digital