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[clinking]
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[clinking]
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[playing "Ode to Joy"]
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LOIS:
I said wash them!
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♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
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♪ I don't know ♪
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♪ Can you repeat
the question? ♪
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♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
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00:01:02,366 --> 00:01:04,498
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
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00:01:04,586 --> 00:01:06,109
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
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00:01:06,196 --> 00:01:09,243
♪ And you're not so big ♪
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00:01:09,330 --> 00:01:11,723
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
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00:01:11,810 --> 00:01:13,725
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
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00:01:13,812 --> 00:01:15,597
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
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00:01:15,684 --> 00:01:19,035
♪ And you're not so big ♪
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00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:22,952
♪ Life is unfair ♪
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[laughter]
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00:01:36,618 --> 00:01:38,054
HAL: That was
a good one, Abe.
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00:01:38,141 --> 00:01:39,534
LOIS:
Reese, stop it.
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00:01:39,621 --> 00:01:40,709
You're going to give
yourself leprosy.
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00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:42,319
ABE:
Thank you so much
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00:01:42,406 --> 00:01:44,539
for letting us be a part
of Dewey's birthday.
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00:01:44,626 --> 00:01:46,410
You enjoying your
special day, son?
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00:01:46,497 --> 00:01:48,847
I expect nothing,
and I'm still let down.
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00:01:48,934 --> 00:01:50,327
It sure is.
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00:01:50,414 --> 00:01:52,242
I hope you like
your present, honey.
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00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:53,983
You know, birthdays are going
to be a little thin around here
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00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,115
until we get back
on our feet.
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00:01:55,202 --> 00:01:56,551
No, I love
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00:01:56,638 --> 00:01:57,508
my Quarters of America.
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00:01:57,595 --> 00:01:58,944
See, we started you out
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00:01:59,031 --> 00:02:01,599
with California and Maine.
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00:02:01,686 --> 00:02:04,428
Oops. These are
both Maine.
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00:02:04,515 --> 00:02:06,735
Well, guess you won't
be needing this one.
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00:02:07,823 --> 00:02:09,216
Where's Francis?
36
00:02:09,303 --> 00:02:11,218
He was supposed to be here
for my party.
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00:02:11,305 --> 00:02:12,393
Oh, he called.
There was a TV show
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00:02:12,480 --> 00:02:13,698
he wanted to
finish watching.
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00:02:13,785 --> 00:02:14,917
He'll get here
after your bedtime.
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00:02:15,004 --> 00:02:16,310
ABE:
Listen, I don't want
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00:02:16,397 --> 00:02:18,050
to step on Dewey's
big day here...
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00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,704
Don't worry about it.
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00:02:19,791 --> 00:02:21,184
But I just can't keep
the news to myself.
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00:02:21,271 --> 00:02:23,795
Stevie has been chosen
to receive
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00:02:23,882 --> 00:02:25,493
a Teen Courtesy Award!
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00:02:25,580 --> 00:02:26,755
Oh!
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That's fantastic.
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00:02:28,409 --> 00:02:29,236
I don't know anyone
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00:02:29,323 --> 00:02:30,585
who deserves it more.
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00:02:30,672 --> 00:02:31,629
What is it?
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00:02:31,716 --> 00:02:33,196
The International
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00:02:33,283 --> 00:02:36,373
Courtesy Association
is awarding him a Gallant.
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00:02:36,460 --> 00:02:37,896
That's the award
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00:02:37,983 --> 00:02:39,289
they give to the youngster
who best observes
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00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:40,986
the teen courtesy pledge
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00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:44,164
to be clean, quiet,
polite and obedient.
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00:02:44,251 --> 00:02:45,556
Congratulations, Stevie.
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00:02:45,643 --> 00:02:46,949
Thank you.
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See? He can't turn it off.
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00:02:48,864 --> 00:02:50,996
Well, we're all
very proud of you, Stevie.
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00:02:51,083 --> 00:02:53,347
I'd keep this courtesy
award to myself.
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00:02:53,434 --> 00:02:56,176
That cripple thing will
only protect you so much.
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00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:57,438
ABE:
The award dinner's
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00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:59,788
on the 12th.
We want you all to come.
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00:02:59,875 --> 00:03:02,747
You've been so good to us
through "the difficulties."
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00:03:02,834 --> 00:03:04,488
You've been
just like family.
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00:03:04,575 --> 00:03:05,881
How's the divorce going, Abe?
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00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,404
Have you been able
to find Kitty?
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00:03:07,491 --> 00:03:09,363
No address, but when
I searched the Internet
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00:03:09,450 --> 00:03:11,321
I found some interesting
pictures of her.
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00:03:11,408 --> 00:03:13,062
From what I could tell,
she seems to have
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00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:15,151
overcome her fear
of meeting new people.
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00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:16,935
But, hey, I'm looking forward.
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00:03:17,022 --> 00:03:20,025
Why just yesterday, this cute
new teller at my bank
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00:03:20,112 --> 00:03:22,245
-started flirting with me.
-Really?
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00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:25,944
Get this. She told me I forgot
to "date" my check.
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00:03:26,031 --> 00:03:28,469
"Date," Hal.
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00:03:28,556 --> 00:03:31,515
Whoa.
[forced laugh]
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00:03:31,602 --> 00:03:33,256
You excited about this
courtesy award?
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00:03:33,343 --> 00:03:35,127
I'll need...
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00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:38,000
your help...
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00:03:39,654 --> 00:03:41,351
with my...
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00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,876
acceptance speech.
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00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:47,009
There are...
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00:03:47,096 --> 00:03:49,403
so many...
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00:03:49,490 --> 00:03:52,232
people to...
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00:03:53,842 --> 00:03:55,800
thank.
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00:03:55,887 --> 00:03:58,063
Have you thought about
a blanket thank you?
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00:03:58,150 --> 00:03:59,978
I have...
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00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:02,067
a plan.
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00:04:02,154 --> 00:04:03,721
Oh, my God!
This is so cool!
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00:04:03,808 --> 00:04:06,202
Did you know that
underneath your skin,
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00:04:06,289 --> 00:04:07,899
there's more skin?
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00:04:07,986 --> 00:04:11,076
Why have I always
been so careful?
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00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:18,214
Thanks for a wonderful night.
You know what?
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00:04:18,301 --> 00:04:20,738
I'm seriously thinking about
dropping by my bank tomorrow
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00:04:20,825 --> 00:04:22,827
and asking that new teller
for some penny rolls.
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00:04:22,914 --> 00:04:25,482
Hey, Mr. Hot Stuff,
save some for the other fellas.
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00:04:25,569 --> 00:04:28,442
[both laughing]
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00:04:28,529 --> 00:04:29,965
-Bye-bye, guys.
-Good night.
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00:04:30,052 --> 00:04:31,445
ABE:
Bye. Come on, son.
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00:04:34,404 --> 00:04:37,581
Kitty?!
Kitty Kenarban?
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00:04:37,668 --> 00:04:39,975
How long have you
been out there?
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00:04:40,062 --> 00:04:41,411
Not long. All night.
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00:04:41,498 --> 00:04:43,674
It looked like a lovely party.
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00:04:43,761 --> 00:04:44,762
Hi, Hal.
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00:04:44,849 --> 00:04:47,548
Hi, Kitty.
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00:04:47,635 --> 00:04:49,767
I should just...
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00:04:49,854 --> 00:04:51,856
um...
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00:04:51,943 --> 00:04:53,249
Hmm.
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00:04:53,336 --> 00:04:54,772
What are you doing here?
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00:04:54,859 --> 00:04:57,297
Well, I've sort of been
stalking my family,
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00:04:57,384 --> 00:04:59,864
trying to get the nerve
to talk to them.
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00:04:59,951 --> 00:05:01,562
I want to come back.
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00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:03,868
You want to come back?
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00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:05,653
I know what I did was terrible.
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00:05:05,740 --> 00:05:07,002
I don't know what
happened to me.
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00:05:07,089 --> 00:05:08,395
I guess I'd spent
so much of my life
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00:05:08,482 --> 00:05:10,048
being righteous
and uptight and good,
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00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:11,659
that something in me
finally snapped
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00:05:11,746 --> 00:05:12,834
and I had to be bad.
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00:05:12,921 --> 00:05:14,009
The last two years
of my life
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00:05:14,096 --> 00:05:15,097
have been
a nightmarish blur
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00:05:15,184 --> 00:05:18,100
of booze binges
and hotel rooms.
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00:05:18,187 --> 00:05:20,537
There were so many parties,
so many weird scenes.
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00:05:20,624 --> 00:05:22,060
The childhood game
of musical chairs
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00:05:22,147 --> 00:05:23,627
will never be the same for me.
128
00:05:24,846 --> 00:05:26,717
Neither will
Chutes and Ladders,
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00:05:26,804 --> 00:05:28,850
Candyland, or Capture the Flag.
130
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:31,722
You know what's really amazing?
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00:05:31,809 --> 00:05:35,683
Now that I have done
literally everything...
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00:05:36,727 --> 00:05:39,382
I'm finished. I'm done.
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00:05:39,469 --> 00:05:40,731
You've done everything?
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00:05:40,818 --> 00:05:43,299
And now I'm done.
Done for good.
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00:05:43,386 --> 00:05:45,301
Wait, I don't get Candyland.
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00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:46,476
I am so sorry
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00:05:46,563 --> 00:05:47,738
for what I've done.
138
00:05:47,825 --> 00:05:49,871
I just want throw myself
at Abe's feet
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00:05:49,958 --> 00:05:54,919
and beg his forgiveness,
but it just seems impossible.
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00:05:55,006 --> 00:05:59,881
Could you find it in your hearts
to maybe talk to him for me?
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00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:01,491
Oh, Kitty...
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00:06:02,623 --> 00:06:04,581
There's not a chance
in the world
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00:06:04,668 --> 00:06:06,888
I would ever do that for you.
144
00:06:06,975 --> 00:06:08,193
But, I...
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00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,847
You abandoned your family.
146
00:06:09,934 --> 00:06:11,675
Do you have
any idea of the pain
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00:06:11,762 --> 00:06:13,590
and humiliation
you inflicted
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00:06:13,677 --> 00:06:17,246
on that dear, sweet man
and that poor, innocent boy?
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00:06:17,333 --> 00:06:19,030
I know you and I
used to be friends,
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00:06:19,117 --> 00:06:21,468
but what you've done
is so creepy and evil,
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00:06:21,555 --> 00:06:23,513
it doesn't get fixed
with "I'm sorry."
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00:06:23,600 --> 00:06:24,775
It just doesn't.
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00:06:27,474 --> 00:06:29,606
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
154
00:06:29,693 --> 00:06:30,912
[door opens noisily]
155
00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:32,653
Hey, where's the party?!
156
00:06:32,740 --> 00:06:35,090
Oh, hi, Kitty.
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00:06:37,440 --> 00:06:38,659
Okay.
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00:06:38,746 --> 00:06:40,617
We'll catch up later.
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00:06:50,714 --> 00:06:52,063
FRANCIS:
Okay, Dewey...
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00:06:52,150 --> 00:06:53,630
since you are now
officially old enough,
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00:06:53,717 --> 00:06:55,023
today is the day
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00:06:55,110 --> 00:06:56,894
we start your initiation
into full brotherhood.
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00:06:56,981 --> 00:06:58,374
-Wow, really?
-Yep.
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00:06:58,461 --> 00:07:00,289
Reese went through this,
Malcolm went through this
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00:07:00,376 --> 00:07:01,595
and now it is your turn.
166
00:07:01,682 --> 00:07:03,553
-Neat. When do we start?
-Right now.
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00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:05,076
Get out of bed
and lie down
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00:07:05,163 --> 00:07:06,730
on the Floor of Brotherhood.
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00:07:08,210 --> 00:07:12,170
And give me the Pillow
of Fraternity.
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00:07:12,257 --> 00:07:14,129
[knocking on door]
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00:07:14,216 --> 00:07:15,783
Hey, Abe.
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00:07:15,870 --> 00:07:17,045
We need to talk.
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00:07:17,132 --> 00:07:18,176
What's going on?
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00:07:18,263 --> 00:07:19,177
ABE:
Give me a second.
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00:07:19,264 --> 00:07:21,832
I'm just so... agitated.
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00:07:21,919 --> 00:07:23,921
-What's the matter?
-Kitty came over last night.
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00:07:24,008 --> 00:07:27,316
Oh, Abe. Would you like
some tea or something?
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00:07:27,403 --> 00:07:29,405
No, thank you. But I would
like some clarification.
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00:07:29,492 --> 00:07:31,625
-What?
-Did you actually call
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00:07:31,712 --> 00:07:34,454
the woman I love
"creepy and evil"?
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00:07:40,198 --> 00:07:42,026
Wait a minute.
You're mad at me?!
182
00:07:42,113 --> 00:07:43,332
What happened, Abe?
183
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:44,768
Kitty and I talked
all night long.
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00:07:44,855 --> 00:07:46,117
She told me about everything.
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00:07:46,204 --> 00:07:49,164
Every horrifying detail
was covered,
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00:07:49,251 --> 00:07:50,339
and by morning we decided
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00:07:50,426 --> 00:07:52,036
to try and make
a go of it.
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00:07:52,123 --> 00:07:53,342
Stevie's over the moon.
189
00:07:53,429 --> 00:07:54,735
The boy needs a mother...
190
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:56,563
and Lord knows
I need a wife.
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00:07:56,650 --> 00:07:57,694
Wow.
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00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:59,391
So, in the future,
Lois,
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00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,654
I'd appreciate a bit
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00:08:00,741 --> 00:08:04,092
more support
and respect for my wife.
195
00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:05,702
You're mad at me?!
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00:08:05,789 --> 00:08:07,312
You're going to pretend
197
00:08:07,399 --> 00:08:09,010
that the last two years
just didn't happen?
198
00:08:09,097 --> 00:08:10,620
No, but I don't see
the need for you
199
00:08:10,707 --> 00:08:12,753
to bring it up when you're
not an affected party.
200
00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:14,232
REESE:
You guys have to see this.
201
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:15,756
You know how
you thought
202
00:08:15,843 --> 00:08:17,192
I would never do anything
with my life?
203
00:08:17,279 --> 00:08:19,107
Well, prepare to be blown away!
204
00:08:20,108 --> 00:08:22,850
I'm going for the full body,
head to toe.
205
00:08:22,937 --> 00:08:24,634
One continuous skin.
206
00:08:24,721 --> 00:08:26,157
It'll be the greatest
thing ever.
207
00:08:26,244 --> 00:08:27,898
Reese, get that
off my chair
208
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:29,465
and get out of here.
209
00:08:29,552 --> 00:08:31,293
We're discussing
something important.
210
00:08:31,380 --> 00:08:34,861
Fine. You're not getting one
dime off the film rights.
211
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:37,908
Abe, how can you be mad at me?
212
00:08:37,995 --> 00:08:39,256
I've been
there for you,
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00:08:39,344 --> 00:08:40,955
day after day,
month after month,
214
00:08:41,042 --> 00:08:43,000
through all the dinners and
the tearful phone conversations,
215
00:08:43,087 --> 00:08:44,741
the parent-teacher
conferences for Stevie.
216
00:08:44,828 --> 00:08:47,875
For God's sake, Abe,
I'm your friend.
217
00:08:47,962 --> 00:08:49,964
Then I wish you'd start
acting like one.
218
00:08:50,051 --> 00:08:52,183
Now, if you'll excuse me,
219
00:08:52,270 --> 00:08:55,056
I have a wedding album I have
to tape back together.
220
00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:01,149
Receive the mystic waters
221
00:09:01,236 --> 00:09:03,717
that unite us
in fraternal bonds.
222
00:09:04,718 --> 00:09:06,110
[toilet flushing]
223
00:09:06,197 --> 00:09:09,113
For though we are divided by
maternal evil,
224
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,637
so shall we be...
225
00:09:10,724 --> 00:09:14,118
[gasping] Okay, I felt
something down there.
226
00:09:18,166 --> 00:09:19,646
Okay, Dewey, eat up.
227
00:09:19,733 --> 00:09:21,386
You're going to need
your nourishment if you're
228
00:09:21,473 --> 00:09:22,910
gonna get through
these next three days.
229
00:09:22,997 --> 00:09:25,216
You took three days
off work to do this?
230
00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:27,871
Quit stalling and suck ants.
231
00:09:31,701 --> 00:09:33,094
STEVIE: Most...
232
00:09:33,181 --> 00:09:35,226
of all...
233
00:09:35,313 --> 00:09:36,793
I'd like...
234
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:38,795
to thank...
235
00:09:40,188 --> 00:09:42,712
...my father.
236
00:09:42,799 --> 00:09:44,845
-[beep]
-Got it.
237
00:09:44,932 --> 00:09:46,673
[tape rewinding]
238
00:09:49,023 --> 00:09:50,372
STEVIE ON TAPE:
Ladies and gentlemen,
239
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:52,113
friends and family,
240
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,158
esteemed colleagues
of courtesy, you honor me.
241
00:09:54,245 --> 00:09:55,986
But I can't let
this occasion pass
242
00:09:56,073 --> 00:09:57,858
without remarking that
you all share in this award.
243
00:09:57,945 --> 00:09:59,816
Tonight helped me raise
the banner of cordiality
244
00:09:59,903 --> 00:10:02,427
and strike a blow for civility
as we kiss rudeness good-bye
245
00:10:02,514 --> 00:10:04,081
and wish it well,
and furth...
246
00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:05,430
Reese!
247
00:10:05,517 --> 00:10:07,432
We're working
on Stevie's speech.
248
00:10:07,519 --> 00:10:08,956
I'm at a critical juncture here.
249
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:10,697
I've hit a mole,
and I'm trying to decide
250
00:10:10,784 --> 00:10:13,308
if I should work around it
or try to dig it out.
251
00:10:13,395 --> 00:10:14,483
The roots are pretty shallow.
252
00:10:14,570 --> 00:10:15,615
That's grotesque, Reese.
253
00:10:15,702 --> 00:10:16,920
You don't understand
254
00:10:17,007 --> 00:10:18,139
the important work
I'm doing here, Malcolm.
255
00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:19,706
I'm creating a whole new Reese.
256
00:10:19,793 --> 00:10:21,229
Shedding my old life.
257
00:10:21,316 --> 00:10:23,057
That's how snakes live forever.
258
00:10:23,144 --> 00:10:24,493
You're an idiot.
259
00:10:24,580 --> 00:10:26,582
I thought you boys
might like some chips
260
00:10:26,669 --> 00:10:28,062
and lemonade.
261
00:10:28,149 --> 00:10:29,454
No thanks.
262
00:10:29,541 --> 00:10:33,763
My creepy mom...
gave me juice.
263
00:10:35,983 --> 00:10:37,288
It's not right, Hal.
264
00:10:37,375 --> 00:10:38,550
It's just not right.
What business
265
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,161
do they have
being angry at me?
266
00:10:40,248 --> 00:10:42,032
Kitty ruined their lives.
She tore them apart.
267
00:10:42,119 --> 00:10:44,687
She tortured them for two years,
and I'm the bad guy?
268
00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:46,907
I'm not the one
with an S.T.D. named after me.
269
00:10:46,994 --> 00:10:48,517
I'm not the one
270
00:10:48,604 --> 00:10:50,475
who smuggled Lord knows what
in Lord knows where
271
00:10:50,562 --> 00:10:52,042
across the Turkish border.
272
00:10:52,129 --> 00:10:53,174
[snoring noise]
273
00:10:53,261 --> 00:10:54,566
-Hal?
-What?
274
00:10:54,654 --> 00:10:55,916
You're absolutely right,
honey.
275
00:10:56,003 --> 00:10:57,004
I couldn't have
said it better myself.
276
00:10:57,091 --> 00:10:58,396
Hal, you're really not helping.
277
00:10:58,483 --> 00:10:59,746
I'm sorry, Lois,
278
00:10:59,833 --> 00:11:01,051
but you sort of
brought this on yourself.
279
00:11:01,138 --> 00:11:02,313
I mean, you should
have known better
280
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:03,663
than to say something bad
about the girl
281
00:11:03,750 --> 00:11:05,142
after a guy breaks up with her.
282
00:11:05,229 --> 00:11:07,057
They always wind up
getting back together.
283
00:11:07,144 --> 00:11:08,537
This isn't Biff and Buffie
284
00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,278
breaking up
before the high school dance!
285
00:11:10,365 --> 00:11:12,976
I just, I don't understand
how he could take her back.
286
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:14,369
He's in love with her.
287
00:11:14,456 --> 00:11:16,023
And despite everything
that's happened,
288
00:11:16,110 --> 00:11:17,024
he's still
in love with her.
289
00:11:17,111 --> 00:11:18,547
I understand that.
290
00:11:18,634 --> 00:11:20,636
I would take you back
if it happened to us.
291
00:11:20,723 --> 00:11:22,899
Oh, you would not.
How can you say that?
292
00:11:22,986 --> 00:11:25,119
There's no life without you.
293
00:11:27,817 --> 00:11:29,036
Oh, shut up
and go to sleep.
294
00:11:32,648 --> 00:11:34,258
Aren't you a little old
for this?
295
00:11:34,345 --> 00:11:35,782
[ceremoniously]
Prepare to drink
296
00:11:35,869 --> 00:11:38,219
from the Chalice
of Brotherhood.
297
00:11:38,306 --> 00:11:39,829
Something smells horrible.
298
00:11:39,916 --> 00:11:41,352
Is that the drip pan?
299
00:11:41,439 --> 00:11:45,226
[ceremoniously]
You're not supposed to know.
300
00:11:45,313 --> 00:11:47,315
I'm not drinking from that.
It's disgusting.
301
00:11:47,402 --> 00:11:50,100
Yes, it is disgusting,
but it must be done.
302
00:11:50,187 --> 00:11:51,145
Oh, man...
303
00:11:52,929 --> 00:11:55,758
[gagging and coughing]
304
00:11:55,845 --> 00:11:57,891
Awesome, Dewey.
You did it!
305
00:11:57,978 --> 00:11:59,240
I'm done?
306
00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:00,589
You passed
with flying colors.
307
00:12:00,676 --> 00:12:02,504
You are now a full brother.
308
00:12:02,591 --> 00:12:04,898
And now I would like
to present to you...
309
00:12:04,985 --> 00:12:08,771
The Cookie of Brotherhood.
310
00:12:09,772 --> 00:12:11,556
-That's it?
-What do you mean?
311
00:12:11,643 --> 00:12:13,689
I ate all that crap
for a stupid cookie?
312
00:12:13,776 --> 00:12:15,343
It's a meaningful cookie.
313
00:12:15,430 --> 00:12:17,693
It's a symbol of something
really cool and special,
314
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:19,086
you little ingrate!
315
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:21,218
It's a symbol
of what an idiot I am!
316
00:12:21,305 --> 00:12:24,352
You know nothing of fraternity
and sacred rituals!
317
00:12:24,439 --> 00:12:25,745
Give me back my cookie.
318
00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:30,314
Well, I hit a little bump
in the road.
319
00:12:30,401 --> 00:12:32,142
I totally forgot
I wasn't sunburned
320
00:12:32,229 --> 00:12:33,491
underneath
my swimming suit.
321
00:12:35,406 --> 00:12:36,320
Are you wearing leg warmers?
322
00:12:36,407 --> 00:12:37,365
Anything worth doing
323
00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:38,583
is worth doing right.
324
00:12:45,242 --> 00:12:46,722
And save. I think
this is going to work.
325
00:12:46,809 --> 00:12:48,637
Why is...
326
00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:50,465
your mom...
327
00:12:50,552 --> 00:12:51,771
so mean?
328
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:53,337
I guess when you find something
329
00:12:53,424 --> 00:12:54,338
you're really good at,
you just stick with it.
330
00:12:54,425 --> 00:12:55,687
I'm glad...
331
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,515
you understand...
332
00:12:57,602 --> 00:12:59,126
about my mom.
333
00:13:00,562 --> 00:13:01,911
Why would you
ever think that?
334
00:13:01,998 --> 00:13:03,260
What?
335
00:13:03,347 --> 00:13:04,566
Stevie, I'm sure
whatever my mom said
336
00:13:04,653 --> 00:13:06,611
was way too harsh
and totally unjustified.
337
00:13:06,698 --> 00:13:08,396
But your mom
abandoned you guys.
338
00:13:08,483 --> 00:13:09,963
Don't you even
care about all the crap
339
00:13:10,050 --> 00:13:11,486
she put you
and your dad through?
340
00:13:11,573 --> 00:13:12,835
She shouldn't be able
to just say "I'm sorry"
341
00:13:12,922 --> 00:13:13,880
and get away with it.
342
00:13:13,967 --> 00:13:18,449
This... conversation...
343
00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:22,497
is... over!
344
00:13:24,455 --> 00:13:27,110
Right... now.
345
00:13:27,197 --> 00:13:28,459
Can anyone help me?
346
00:13:28,546 --> 00:13:29,939
I can't reach this.
347
00:13:30,026 --> 00:13:31,723
Get that thing
out of here!
348
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:33,421
You're spending
all this time with Stevie,
349
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,249
helping him with
his little wussy award,
350
00:13:35,336 --> 00:13:37,077
and you won't help someone
in your own family
351
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,252
reach immortality?!
352
00:13:38,339 --> 00:13:39,688
-Move!
-MALCOLM: Stevie...
353
00:13:39,775 --> 00:13:42,082
Wait! Wait, guys!
354
00:13:42,169 --> 00:13:45,346
Okay. Okay.
I see how it is.
355
00:13:45,433 --> 00:13:47,914
You want my dream to die!
356
00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:57,010
I'm sorry you guys
357
00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,620
are gonna miss
Stevie's award.
358
00:13:58,707 --> 00:14:00,230
Make sure you keep
checking in on Dewey.
359
00:14:00,317 --> 00:14:01,449
What did the doctor say?
360
00:14:01,536 --> 00:14:02,972
It's weird.
361
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,365
He said it's some kind
of intestinal thing
362
00:14:04,452 --> 00:14:06,019
that people
in Third World countries
363
00:14:06,106 --> 00:14:07,542
get from drinking
stagnant water.
364
00:14:07,629 --> 00:14:10,458
Huh. That is weird.
365
00:14:10,545 --> 00:14:12,025
You know you don't
have to go.
366
00:14:12,112 --> 00:14:14,244
Oh, Hal, Stevie's
a wonderful boy.
367
00:14:14,331 --> 00:14:15,767
I'm going to go
and support him.
368
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:16,899
He doesn't
want you there.
369
00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:18,596
Well, that's too damn bad.
370
00:14:18,683 --> 00:14:19,684
I'm going to support him
whether he wants it or not.
371
00:14:19,771 --> 00:14:21,295
They think I'm the one
372
00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:22,513
with the problem,
and they are wrong.
373
00:14:22,600 --> 00:14:24,037
Hal, they are wrong.
374
00:14:24,124 --> 00:14:25,603
And I'm not gonna let
them get away with it.
375
00:14:25,690 --> 00:14:28,215
I just think it's gonna
a little uncomfortable.
376
00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:29,956
Oh, I guarantee it's gonna
be uncomfortable.
377
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:32,959
And if you do anything to make
it any less uncomfortable,
378
00:14:33,046 --> 00:14:34,786
I will never forgive you.
379
00:14:35,744 --> 00:14:37,789
-♪ Pardon me ♪
-♪ It's nice to meet ya ♪
380
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,705
-♪ In our posse ♪
-♪ That's how we greet ya ♪
381
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,491
♪ Hip hop hooray, argh ♪
382
00:14:43,578 --> 00:14:44,535
[applause]
383
00:14:44,622 --> 00:14:46,059
WOMAN:
Oh, thank you,
384
00:14:46,146 --> 00:14:49,584
Sir Please-A-Lot
and Jam Master. Thank You.
385
00:14:49,671 --> 00:14:52,413
Who says rap has to be rude?
386
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:55,285
[applause]
387
00:14:55,372 --> 00:14:59,246
I wish I could thank
each and every one of you
388
00:14:59,333 --> 00:15:01,248
for making this night possible,
389
00:15:01,335 --> 00:15:04,207
-but there isn't time.
-AUDIENCE: Aww...
390
00:15:04,294 --> 00:15:05,861
I'm kidding.
391
00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:08,472
Of course there is.
392
00:15:08,559 --> 00:15:12,694
Aaron Aaronson,
Barnet Aaronson,
393
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:15,479
Barnet Aaronson, Jr....
394
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:17,307
I can't believe you brought
that thing with you.
395
00:15:17,394 --> 00:15:19,222
It has a name, Malcolm.
396
00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:20,615
Even though
the mashed potatoes
397
00:15:20,702 --> 00:15:22,486
are not supposed
to come with the duck,
398
00:15:22,573 --> 00:15:24,184
cram them in there anyway,
399
00:15:24,271 --> 00:15:25,533
whether the duck
likes it or not.
400
00:15:25,620 --> 00:15:26,664
WAITER:
Ma'am?
401
00:15:26,751 --> 00:15:27,709
The beef.
402
00:15:27,796 --> 00:15:28,797
Even though it's the carrots
403
00:15:28,884 --> 00:15:30,103
that are the problem,
404
00:15:30,190 --> 00:15:31,931
I'd like to exclude
the broccoli.
405
00:15:32,018 --> 00:15:34,237
That may work
as a metaphor, ma'am,
406
00:15:34,324 --> 00:15:37,066
but you're really screwing up
your entrée.
407
00:15:37,153 --> 00:15:38,633
I'll just have
another margarita.
408
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:40,026
Oh, and, and, and hurry.
409
00:15:40,113 --> 00:15:42,332
It's sort of an emergency.
410
00:15:42,419 --> 00:15:43,943
Need another roll
in there, Dewey?
411
00:15:44,030 --> 00:15:45,074
DEWEY:
Shut up!
412
00:15:45,161 --> 00:15:47,033
I'm really sorry.
413
00:15:47,120 --> 00:15:49,035
I got carried away.
414
00:15:49,122 --> 00:15:51,951
I just... I miss you guys.
415
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:54,301
And let's face it, torture
and humiliation are
416
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,956
the only ways we've ever known
to say we love each other.
417
00:15:57,043 --> 00:15:59,654
DEWEY: You know you're only
making yourself feel better.
418
00:15:59,741 --> 00:16:01,525
Okay, okay.
419
00:16:01,612 --> 00:16:03,614
I want to give you
something, Dewey.
420
00:16:03,701 --> 00:16:05,181
Something special.
421
00:16:05,268 --> 00:16:07,357
I've never even told Reese
or Malcolm about it.
422
00:16:07,444 --> 00:16:09,707
It's like the ultimate defense
against Mom and Dad.
423
00:16:09,794 --> 00:16:11,274
Totally bulletproof.
424
00:16:11,361 --> 00:16:13,581
I'm listening.
425
00:16:13,668 --> 00:16:15,235
In Mom and Dad's bedroom,
426
00:16:15,322 --> 00:16:16,714
on the nightstand
next to Mom's side
427
00:16:16,801 --> 00:16:18,064
is a big vanilla candle.
428
00:16:18,151 --> 00:16:20,370
-Have you seen it?
-Yeah.
429
00:16:20,457 --> 00:16:24,157
Mom and Dad like to use
that candle when they, um...
430
00:16:24,244 --> 00:16:26,333
lock their door
and do grown-up stuff.
431
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,639
You mean sex.
432
00:16:28,726 --> 00:16:29,858
I'm afraid so.
433
00:16:29,945 --> 00:16:31,164
Now it's gotten to the point
434
00:16:31,251 --> 00:16:32,643
that every time
that candle's lit,
435
00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:34,167
all they can
think about is...
436
00:16:34,254 --> 00:16:36,647
going back to their room.
437
00:16:36,734 --> 00:16:38,388
I have never seen it miss.
438
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:43,828
Wow. Thanks.
439
00:16:43,915 --> 00:16:45,569
We are now
Brothers of the Candle.
440
00:16:45,656 --> 00:16:47,702
Francis, you gotta stop that.
441
00:16:48,703 --> 00:16:51,097
[murmuring conversation]
442
00:16:52,576 --> 00:16:54,665
I'll have another margarita.
443
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:57,712
Well, I'm learning
a lot tonight.
444
00:16:57,799 --> 00:17:00,062
I never dreamt there were so
many ways of saying thank you.
445
00:17:00,149 --> 00:17:02,499
I wish there were more ways
to say you're not welcome.
446
00:17:02,586 --> 00:17:04,022
Excuse me.
447
00:17:04,109 --> 00:17:05,328
HAL: You know what
I never have?
448
00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:06,938
A margarita.
449
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,204
Oh! Ooh. Ah.
450
00:17:12,378 --> 00:17:14,642
Lois, please, this is
just too tense.
451
00:17:14,729 --> 00:17:17,123
I'm sorry,
I don't have amnesia.
452
00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:19,080
You're the only one who
has a problem with this.
453
00:17:19,167 --> 00:17:23,651
HAL: You are one polite
old bag, you know that, honey?
454
00:17:23,738 --> 00:17:25,087
Excuse me.
455
00:17:25,174 --> 00:17:27,133
HAL: Come here, oldie,
give us a hug.
456
00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:28,743
He's cut off.
457
00:17:28,830 --> 00:17:31,354
Hey, that's Kitty Kenarban
at your table, right?
458
00:17:31,441 --> 00:17:32,747
Yeah.
459
00:17:32,834 --> 00:17:35,706
So are both of you
into the same scene?
460
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:37,969
You know, "snip, snip, reow"?
461
00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:39,058
I beg your pardon?
462
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,668
Ah, nothing, nothing.
463
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:43,062
Uh, listen, um...
could you give this to Kitty?
464
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,020
We were both in the, uh,
choir together,
465
00:17:45,107 --> 00:17:48,893
and I thought she'd like to
join us for practice some time.
466
00:17:48,980 --> 00:17:51,331
I'd be happy to.
467
00:17:51,418 --> 00:17:53,550
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, please welcome
468
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:57,554
beloved PBS children's
TV icon Frank Walston.
469
00:17:57,641 --> 00:18:00,383
[applause]
470
00:18:00,470 --> 00:18:02,168
Before we bring out
our guest of honor,
471
00:18:02,255 --> 00:18:05,997
I'd like to say a few words
about courtesy.
472
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:09,131
Now I know that good manners
sometimes seem like
473
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:12,091
just a bunch of dumb old
rules our parents invented
474
00:18:12,178 --> 00:18:13,353
so they could scold us...
475
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,658
HAL:
You got that right!
476
00:18:16,356 --> 00:18:19,359
But-but manners
are so much more.
477
00:18:19,446 --> 00:18:22,492
Only human beings
have a system
478
00:18:22,579 --> 00:18:25,365
that reminds us
to care about each other.
479
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:28,672
It is how we live in grace.
480
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,588
Manners are what allow us
to be kind to each other,
481
00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:33,373
to live with each other,
482
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:38,639
but most importantly, they
are how we forgive each other.
483
00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:41,424
And in the end, they allow us
484
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:44,819
to listen to the voices
of our better angels.
485
00:18:44,906 --> 00:18:48,127
Now, can I tell you my favorite
thing about manners?
486
00:18:48,214 --> 00:18:50,477
[Walston's voice trails off]
487
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:55,743
Kitty, please forgive me.
488
00:18:57,527 --> 00:18:59,094
WALSTON:
Well, the best part
489
00:18:59,181 --> 00:19:00,574
is yet to come.
490
00:19:00,661 --> 00:19:04,099
So, let us give a warm
courtesy welcome
491
00:19:04,186 --> 00:19:05,883
to this year's Gallant,
492
00:19:05,970 --> 00:19:10,323
no Goofus he,
our own Stevie Kenarban.
493
00:19:10,410 --> 00:19:12,238
Whoo!
494
00:19:12,325 --> 00:19:15,197
[whistling]
495
00:19:15,284 --> 00:19:16,764
Whoo hoo!
496
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:20,985
[mic feedback]
497
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:22,813
Ladies and gentleman,
friends and family,
498
00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,903
esteemed colleagues of
courtesy, you honor me.
499
00:19:25,990 --> 00:19:27,818
But I can't let
this occasion pass
500
00:19:27,905 --> 00:19:32,606
without remarking that you
all blow, blow, blow, blow.
501
00:19:32,693 --> 00:19:35,478
It means so much and requires
so little to take a moment
502
00:19:35,565 --> 00:19:37,654
to kiss my butt.
503
00:19:37,741 --> 00:19:39,569
[audience gasping]
504
00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:41,615
In conclusion, I feel the
evening would be incomplete
505
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:44,357
without telling the world
that I am actually a lady.
506
00:19:44,444 --> 00:19:47,229
Thank you.
Go... to... hell.
507
00:19:47,316 --> 00:19:48,883
HAL:
He can talk!
508
00:19:48,970 --> 00:19:50,972
He's cured!
509
00:19:51,059 --> 00:19:52,321
[vacuum running]
510
00:19:52,408 --> 00:19:54,541
Reese, your
punishment isn't over
511
00:19:54,628 --> 00:19:55,716
until that bathroom floor
512
00:19:55,803 --> 00:19:57,587
is so clean,
you could eat off of it,
513
00:19:57,674 --> 00:19:59,110
which is what you're gonna be
doing for the next two weeks.
514
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:01,287
And get rid of that thing.
515
00:20:01,374 --> 00:20:02,810
It's disgusting!
516
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,420
Disgusting?
517
00:20:04,507 --> 00:20:05,987
If Malcolm made another
him out of hair,
518
00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:08,859
you'd be throwing a parade
for him right now!
519
00:20:08,946 --> 00:20:10,121
Aaah, no!
520
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:12,080
It just took it.
521
00:20:12,167 --> 00:20:15,388
[vacuum cleaner
creaking and straining]
522
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:17,085
That could have been me.
523
00:20:22,177 --> 00:20:24,832
I need a few minutes
alone with the vacuum.
524
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:37,366
You're supposed to sign this.
525
00:20:40,326 --> 00:20:42,719
"Disrupted class"?
526
00:20:42,806 --> 00:20:44,155
"Insulted the teacher"?
527
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,723
Dewey, you are in so much...
528
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,725
-[exhaling]
-...trouble!
529
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:50,118
Okay, first off, we have to
530
00:20:50,205 --> 00:20:52,903
figure out a punish... uh...
531
00:20:54,078 --> 00:20:55,210
Punishment.
532
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:56,298
That's right.
And it's gonna
533
00:20:56,385 --> 00:20:57,734
be really, really...
Mmm...
534
00:20:57,821 --> 00:20:59,214
-That's nice, honey.
-[clearing throat]
535
00:20:59,301 --> 00:21:02,261
You are going to...
uh, to...
536
00:21:03,871 --> 00:21:05,829
Uh, Dewey, we're gonna
talk about this later.
537
00:21:05,916 --> 00:21:07,266
That's right.
538
00:21:07,353 --> 00:21:08,658
Lois, there's something
in the bedroom
539
00:21:08,745 --> 00:21:11,008
-I have wanted to show you.
-Mm.
540
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:53,573
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