Original subtitles

Where the hell are my glasses?

I've been looking for...

Where are they?!

Are you sure you haven't seen them?

-No. -Sorry, Dad.

They gotta be around here somewhere!

He's been looking for those glasses for 2 1/2 hours.

He's totally shattered his old record.

Agh! This is ridiculous.

They couldn't just disappear.

Maybe they're in the car.

Where the hell are my keys?!

[screams]

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair ♪

Give me back the deodorant!

I haven't done the upper half of my body yet!

No! This has to last us the whole month

-and you're wasting it! -I am not wasting it!

You used up two inches of it

drawing stick people having sex on the bathroom mirror!

Would you two keep it down?!

Your father's talking to that man

he interviewed with yesterday.

Thank God, one of us might finally have a job!

No, no, I understand.

He sounds like an excellent candidate.

I-I would have hired him over me, too.

Right. His experience is more...

Okay, he's much smarter...

Right, more charismatic...

Mm-hmm, funnier...

[both talking at once]

I said quiet!

And you...

No...

This is the last day in your Special Needs class.

You have no idea how many hours I've spent

trying to convince Mrs. Welsh that you are normal,

so don't screw it up.

Do you understand?

-Yes. -Do you?

-Yes... -Do you?

Yes, Mom.

Yes, he does have a better head of hair...

No, I have no idea what he would like

as a "welcome to the firm" gift.

Okay.

-Good-bye. -Oh...

Don't worry about it.

There's got to be something I can get a job at.

There's got to be a big turnover in test pilots.

Or advertising.

I could do advertising!

Hal, you have no experience in advertising.

I'm a natural.

Little jingles are constantly popping into my head.

♪ Oh, wham, bam, thank you, jam ♪

♪ Who's gonna love it? ♪

♪ Your family am! ♪

♪ Banana skin ♪

♪ It's so nice and thin ♪

♪ There's no better way to keep your banana in. ♪

Hal...

♪ Newspaper, keeping track ♪

♪ Of your neighborhood raper... ♪

Hal!

I'm sorry, Lois.

I just feel so useless,

sitting around the house all day doing nothing.

Well, then how about taking Jamie

to the park?

You never get to do that.

Yeah, you're right.

I should enjoy him before he's old enough to be ashamed of me.

...and I think

we should all be very happy for Dewey

to be rejoining the mainstream class.

It's really quite an accomplishment,

and I think a positive example

for the rest of you that,

you don't have to be in here for the rest of your lives.

There's always a chance to esca...

get ou...

transfer over.

Okay, well, now it's time to say our good-byes.

If everyone would...

[desks clattering]

-Please don't go. -We need you, Dewey.

Who's gonna make the eyes stop following us?

Things have gotten so much better

since you got here.

Chad hasn't bitten anything alive in weeks,

I get off my motorcycle for lunch...

You take care of us.

You got the microscope.

And the beautiful view.

Please. Stay with us.

It's not up to me.

It's my mom.

[school bell rings]

Hug jail. Make him stay with a hug jail.

Dewey. Dewey.

ALL: Dewey. Dewey. Dewey...

[kids calling Dewey's name]

[calling continues]

[giggling]

[grunts]

[exhales and grunts]

Wow! You guys are huge!

And shiny.

Thanks, mister.

But we can always be huger.

And shinier.

You out here all day?

As long as those disability checks keep coming.

[groans] No, no...

No, no!

-What? What happened? -What's wrong?

What happened?

My keys fell down the drain again.

And my fingers are too titanically muscular

to fit through the little metal stripes

and rip them out.

Well, maybe we can

punch the concrete around it into dust

and loosen the bars.

Guys, you don't have to do that.

Well, here.

This'll work. Yeah.

Give me your gum.

Okay, but I've been chewing it all morning,

and it hasn't helped.

[muscle men gasping]

He did it!

Three cheers for the scrawny guy!

[all cheering]

[playing tune]

Come on, Dewey. This is gonna be great.

You've seen fireworks before,

and you've seen movies,

but you've never seen them together

at the same time.

Let's get moving. I want to pay matinee prices.

I don't feel like it.

Go without me.

Come on. We're trying to do something nice here,

and reach out to you as a brother.

Yeah, you don't have to worry.

We're not setting you up.

-Are we? -No.

I just don't want to go, okay?

Leave me alone.

HAL: Bye, hon.

I'm off to the park.

Wow. Three days in a row.

Yeah. You know what? It's great.

It's given me a whole new outlook on things.

And I'm sure Jamie's loving it.

Oh, yeah. Jamie.

We've only got two bottles of baby oil left.

I'll pick up a case this afternoon.

I think two of my fingers fused together.

Great. That leaves eight

for me to punish to the bone.

Now get moving.

And you better not be late for school. You hear me?

And I want you home at 3:00.

Your homework better be finished

or, I swear to God, I'll set some fireworks

in a place a lot darker than a movie theater!

Have a nice day, honey.

Aren't you going to warn me

not to lose my milk money?

Or that I better be polite to the crossing guard?

No.

There you go, balanced to the penny.

The problem was, you weren't adding the check amount.

You were adding your address over and over.

I thought that number had a lot of words in it.

Thanks, Hal.

See, it's not that difficult, guys.

And remember, for next time--

the stamp goes on the letter,

not the mailbox.

Is that the thing firemen use?

No, that's a hydrant.

Remember the no parking stump?

[laughter]

ALL: Oh.

Ooh, I got to go.

I promised Lois

I'd stop by the market on the way home.

Oh, you had a good day, didn't you, honey?

Hey, did you like when Carlo threw you

way, way up in the air,

and Daddy was screaming, wasn't he?

[laughs]

[footsteps approaching]

Guys, don't worry. I'll be back tomorrow.

Shoo.

[engine grinding]

[grunts]

Useless piece of junk!

[sighs]

Good night, honey.

I made you a turkey and cream cheese sandwich

for school tomorrow.

What are you trying to do?

REESE: Mom hasn't made you do

any of the crap she's made us do.

Why is she being so nice to you?

Because, for the last three days,

I haven't done anything wrong.

You see,

Mom doesn't yell and scream at us

because it's the only way she knows how to talk.

She does it because we do stuff that's bad.

And, if you don't do anything,

she doesn't get mad at you.

You understand?

It's not her. It's us.

Fine. Don't tell us.

Well, that's strange.

For some reason,

I'm taking a third less aspirin than usual.

Why are you pacing?

Let me ask you something, Lois.

What would you do if, hypothetically,

through a series of unforeseeable circumstances,

you found yourself commanding an army of benevolent strongmen?

What?

Picture it. A dozen guys--

any one of them can rip a horse in half--

willing to follow your every command.

Well, you'd have to do something

really great with that.

Something noble and unselfish,

but not too expensive.

And we are not even taking into account

that I could easily be led to the dark side.

Lois,

you have to promise me,

if you ever see me holding a cat

and laughing maniacally over a globe,

you need to let me know.

After this, I'll show you how to play gin rummy.

That's always been Mama's favorite game.

-Okay. -So, Dewey, do you like

being back in the normal class?

[doorbell rings]

Hello.

Mrs. Welsh, what a surprise.

If you're here to check up on Dewey,

I can assure you that he's just as normal and wonderful...

No, actually, I just came to find out

if Dewey's heard from any of the children

from the Special Needs class.

No. Why?

Well, uh, it seems they've run away.

[laughs]

All of them?

The whole class ran away?

They just disappeared.

[nervous laugh]

Dewey, do you know anything about this?

Okay, well, thank you.

And, if you hear anything, please let me know?

I'll see you.

Oh, those kids.

I'm so glad you're out of that class.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna bake you some cookies.

[Dewey gasps]

[shrieks, leaves rustling]

What are you doing?

We couldn't take it anymore.

It's horrible without you.

We're never going back.

This is our new home.

They'll never find us here. It's perfect.

We took blankets, and we stole some food

from a Dumpster outside some restaurant.

We kept thinking, "What would Dewey do?"

-KIDS: Yeah. -DEWEY: You thought I'd

steal food from the trash,

and tell 20 kids to run away and live in the trees forever?

Well, maybe.

But you can't stay up here.

People are looking for you.

Mrs. Welsh came to my house.

We're never going home.

You come live with us.

The squirrels will have to vote you in,

but I'll put in a good word.

No! This is crazy.

I'm not living up here, and neither are you.

I'm sorry, but I'm telling.

You're not telling anyone.

Do you realize how much trouble you'd get in?

What are you talking about? I didn't...

Zoe?

[sobbing]

We didn't want to do it!

It was Dewey's idea--

the whole thing.

He tricked us into it.

Why is everyone so angry at us?

Why did you make us do this, Dewey?

LOIS: Dewey! Come get your cookies

while the chocolate chips are still warm and melty!

Vroom, vroom.

We've lost Dewey.

It's the only possible explanation.

He's turned on us, and he's feeding Mom information.

This is bad. Real bad.

I know.

What does he have on you?

Oh, man, I have all kinds of things going on

he might know about.

I have my lost-dog scam,

the rat-baby farm,

the electrified mailbox I'm noodling with...

We don't have any choice.

We have to neutralize him.

Yeah, but how?

Okay. We let him "overhear"

something we're planning.

Something way across town.

We make it so juicy and horrible sounding,

he won't be able to resist telling Mom.

So she waits in the cold for three or four hours

and, when nothing happens,

he's lost all his credibility.

Nice.

Ready to go to the sewage-treatment plant

and do some wanton vandalism?

REESE: Yes. I've got

the shovels and the flares

for the senseless destruction

we've got planned.

I sure hope Mom doesn't ever find out.

Don't worry about Mom-- she's too stupid!

And besides, she's probably busy stuffing

her fat face.

I sure hope Mom doesn't ever

find out you said that.

By the way, do you think

she's gotten stupider or fatter?

Good question. I'd say...

HAL: All right, honey, I'm going to the park.

Oh, I hate ab days.

They keep pulling me in to judge.

All I know is somebody's tummy is not gonna

be as flat as somebody else's,

and somebody's gonna end up crying.

Look at this, Hal.

They still haven't found those kids.

You're kidding.

This is terrible.

Where could they be?

All those kids are such messes,

they don't know how to take care of themselves.

Someone has to help them.

Someone will help them, Lois.

As a matter of fact, I think someone's

gonna help the crap out of those kids.

♪ Let me hear you holla ♪

♪ Hey oh, what's good wit' you now? ♪

♪ Hey oh, you know what to do now ♪

♪ Holla, uhh, holla, uhh ♪

♪ We got the rhythm, we got the most fun ♪

♪ Jump back, a-brush side to side ♪

♪ Roll your booty round from left to right ♪

♪ Look at you, here we go now ♪

♪ I think you got it ♪

♪ That's right, where you take it, though ♪

♪ Up, up, up is where you wanna go ♪

♪ The kick box, feel the bass talk ♪

♪ Now baby, work it now ♪

♪ That's exactly how we do ♪

♪ Bringing the party to you ♪

♪ Life is good, so let me hear you holler ♪

♪ Hey oh, what's good wit' you now? ♪

♪ Hey oh, you know what to do now ♪

♪ Holla, holla ♪

♪ We got the rhythm, we got the most fun ♪

♪ Hey oh, what's good wit' you now? ♪

♪ Hey oh, you know what to do now ♪

♪ Holla, holla, we got the rhythm ♪

♪ We got the most fun ♪

♪ Hey oh hey ♪

♪ Hey oh hey ♪

♪ Hey oh hey ♪

♪ Hey oh hey, ohh ♪

♪ We got the most fun ♪

[whistles]

Okay, Dewey, our next pizza

comes with a free collectable cup, so...

This has to stop.

I haven't slept in four days.

You guys have to come down.

Why? It's going great.

Going great? You guys are on milk cartons.

-BOY: We're famous. -DEWEY: This is serious now.

Everyone's looking for you--

the cops, your parents... shiny giants in Speedos.

Doesn't matter.

We have a better life up here.

The fairies take care of us.

Mom's right. I do have crazy eyes.

It's going to be winter soon.

The leaves are going to fall off the trees.

People will be able to see you.

We've thought of that.

We're gonna head south.

There's a string of trees along Highway 8.

We may lose a few kids to predators and stuff,

but they'll know they died free.

Okay, guys, drink a little, but keep moving.

I guess we should go back out again.

-Dad? -Hmm?

When you're finished watering your men,

can I ask you something?

Well, go ahead, son. What is it?

I've got this decision to make.

There's a lot of people depending

on me, and I'm not sure what to do.

That's the part of leadership

no one talks about, son.

You think it's going

to be all parades and strongmen

carrying you around on one of those fancy sultan doodads,

but what they don't tell you about

is the crushing responsibility,

men who expect nothing in return

but a... an able general who could lead them to victory.

[men chattering softly]

And, instead, you break their hearts.

Men!

I've been wasting your time.

You deserve better than me.

I've let you down.

ALL: No.

You didn't let us down.

We let you down.

You're the smartest man in the world,

and we let you down.

It's all our fault!

Uhh!

We're weak. Weak!

Uhh! Weak little girls!

BOY: Whoa!

Uhh!

Does this mean I'm a daddy?

Hero? Heh. Well, I wouldn't say hero...

but you can, if you... if you want.

I just don't understand.

I mean, what on earth

could have possibly possessed

you children to do this?

What do you expect?

-We're creepy. KIDS: Yeah, we are.

Well, I think the first thing we have to do

is eliminate the things that get you over-excited.

I think maybe your recess time

might have been what put you over the edge.

Wait. They didn't mean to get everyone so upset.

-They just wanted... -Thank you, Dewey.

It's really not your concern anymore.

It was nice while it lasted.

What do you mean, not my concern?!

How come no one ever cares about any of my concerns?!

Dewey! What are you doing?

I've got so many feelings running through my head,

and I can't get any of them straight, and they're pounding

and they're pounding, and I have to let them out!

[shrieking]

That kid's got to do some work on his lats.

-[Dewey shrieking] -Dewey, knock it off!

And stop drooling this instant!

And the hands and the people! And the people and the hands!

[Lois screams, all gasp]

He's really not like this.

[Dewey shrieking]

I think it might be best for everyone

if Dewey goes back into the Special Needs class,

just for a while...

See you later, honey. I'm going to the park.

Hal, it's that job you interviewed for last week.

They saw you on TV. I think they want to hire you.

Hello.

Thank you.

Sure, I can!

Thank you.

-LOIS: Yes! Yes! Yes! -HAL: Yes!

Oh, thank God! I can't believe it.

I know. Me, too.

Oh! I was starting to worry that neither

of us was ever going to find a job.

I thought you were going to spend

the rest of your life in the park.

Okay, men, quiet down.

I have some important news I have to tell you.

I...

got a job.

That means that I'll be going to work during the day.

Which means I won't be coming to the park anymore.

-Oh, no! -[overlapping protests]

You can't go nowhere. We need you, Hal.

What are we gonna do without you?

I'm going to miss you, too.

I mean, this past week has been

one of the best of my life.

And you'll be fine. I promise.

Well, Eddie, look at you--

using that ATM like an old pro!

I'd swear you've been doing it all your life.

-[men agreeing] -And you, Marcus.

Who's taping Guiding Light

and watching it with dinner?

I know who!

[laughs] And the rest of you guys--

you're amazing-- every one of you.

Ah! Big, greasy goons.

We'll never forget you, Hal.

You did so much for us.

I wish we could pay you back somehow.

ALL: Yeah.

ALL [murmuring]: Yeah.

HAL: Hi there.

Today's my first day.

I'm not sure where to go.

Oh, it's okay. They're with me.

[men groaning]

MAN: We're helping!

Captioned by Post Haste Digital