Original subtitles

So, after I was indicted, my wife lost her job

and had a nervous breakdown,

and if that wasn't bad enough,

one of our sons stole his brother's girlfriend,

which madehim run away from home and join the Army.

Left, right...

[grunting]

We don't even know where he is.

We've entered Afghani airspace.

Remember, pull the green cord before the light green cord.

We're just worried sick about him.

It's just that you feel so helpless, you know?

Look, I don't set the prices, mister.

They're four bucks a box. Take it or leave it.

Oh, all right.

Just the Thin Mints.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair ♪

HAL: It doesn't have to be tuna surprise.

It can be chicken surprise, or beef,

but there will be a surprise involved.

You know, we can wait for Mom to make dinner.

I'm sorry, she went to talk

with some Army administrator about Reese.

She'll be gone for hours.

LOIS: Get your hands off me!

Your authority stops

at my property line!

What did she do?

She completely

destroyed an office, made explicit threats

against the United States Army,

attacked my groinage region, and captured same.

Uh... Listen, maybe there's a way

we can make this whole thing go away.

Sir,

if she comes within 500 feet of my perimeter

I've been given the authority to engage.

Mom, what happened?

I'll tell you what happened.

I told them how my underage son ran away and joined the Army

under false pretenses and was sent off to combat,

and you know what they said?

They said if you can find out what name he used,

they can have him back to us in six months.

Six months!

They'll have him back to us in six months?

-HAL: Honey... -I don't know if she's upset

he's gonna get killed,

or mad someone else is gonna do it.

HAL: Try to relax.

Honey, you know, you're gonna lose a nail

inside your palm again.

Just calm down and let the Army...

I don't trust the Army,

which means this family has to find him,

and I don't trust this family, which means I have to find him!

Two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star?

And he blubbered like a baby.

MALCOLM: The Army.

What do you expect of people

who would give Reese a gun?

Oh, that's right.

It's the Army's fault if your brother gets killed.

Now, Lois, we can't blame Malcolm for stealing

Reese's girl and causing this whole mess in the first place.

Huh?

Kids his age are nothing but raging hormones

and hideous self-involvement.

They are all amoral little creeps.

Don't defend him, Hal.

Just help me make dinner.

[pans clanging]

Great, angry meat loaf.

Thanks a lot.

We don't have to worry about Reese.

All he has to do is lay low and not do anything stupid.

Oh, God.

REESE: I'm a lean, mean fighting machine.

I'm a lean, mean fighting machine.

I'm a robot.

Robots are cool.

Green Lantern fought a robot.

I love Green Lantern.

I love pie.

Pie... Pie... Pie.

Why am I thinking about pie?

I'm supposed to be thinking about something else.

Does it rhyme with "pie"?

Buy?

Cry?

Die?

High?

Pie?

Pie!

No...

Pie?

Green Lantern.

Fighting robot.

Fighting machine.

Me...

I'm a fighting machine.

I'm a lean, mean fighting machine.

I'm a lean, mean fighting machine.

[automatic weapons firing, men shouting indistinctly]

[indistinct yelling]

[grunts]

[shrieking]

[screams]

DEWEY: What is that?

I made a list of every bad thing

Reese ever did to me.

A list?

I'm sick of having to defend myself!

No matter what I did to Reese,

he's done way worse stuff to me,

and it's all here on this list.

So we're admitting we have lists?

Mine starts January '95.

When does yours start?

Uh... October 3, 1996:

my first knuckle pizza.

July 10, 1997: my first atomic swirly.

The big bruise of '99.

"Backyard Dentist," "Lighter Fluid Donut."

That's worse than stealing a girlfriend, right?

I don't know... were you in love

for the first time with that donut?

Shut up, Dewey. I had every right.

In fact, I owe him.

So you're saying if he dies, then you'll be even?

I didn't say he was going to die!

Malcolm, he almost killed himself with Bisquick once.

I'm just saying he deserves

whatever he gets.

No, he doesn't.

That's something Reese would say.

I'm not Reese.

Just because he's horrible doesn't mean I have to be.

I'm better than that.

Wow, for a brother-killer, you sure are conceited.

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Hi, uh, Sergeant Rick.

I'm wondering if you can help me.

My son is underaged,

and I-I think you may have recruited him.

Take a look.

Oh, yeah, Private Jetson.

Oh! Yeah.

SGT. RICK: Yeah, let's see, uh...

he was sent to Fort Roberts.

I'll get you the address.

Oh, I really appreciate this.

I just don't understand what would make him go and do

-a crazy thing like this. -Well, the truth is

is today's Army's a pretty attractive package.

Competitive salaries,

health benefits, college tuition...

Lois, I didn't sign anything.

Just hear me out.

It's only two weekends a month,

plus we might qualify for a housing allowance.

Okay, there's a slight possibility of active duty,

but Sergeant Rick expects global events to stabilize

in the next three months.

MALCOLM: Excuse me.

-What do you want? -I'm Malcolm.

I'm here Monday, Wednesday, Friday, 3:00 to 7:00.

No one volunteers here.

They're all signing up

for the glamour jobs at the burn unit.

I just want to do something to help veterans.

Really? You think you can handle helping around here?

How 'bout trying to give Mr. Skoros a sponge bath?

Sure.

Or maybe you'd prefer to clip Mr. Ditmar's toenails.

Okay.

Or how 'bout going room to room,

emptying bed pans and stanching bed sores?

You know, I think I can save us both a little time here.

This is how I see it playing out:

you're going to keep thinking

of worse and worse jobs for me to do.

And you know what? I'm going to do them.

All of them, no matter what.

Why? It doesn't matter.

I have my reasons.

So go ahead, knock yourself out.

Well, it kind of takes some of the fun out of it, but okay.

You can start the afternoon enemas with Mr. Klegman.

It'll be my pleasure.

[men laughing and chattering]

Well, ma'am, how can I help you?

It's about my son, Reese.

Um, I think you know him as Private Jetson.

Private Jetson.

Ma'am, let me shake your hand.

This boy is the finest soldier

that this old dogface ever

had the privilege of commanding.

I wish I had a hundred more just like him.

He's a fine boy.

Yes, well... we think so, too.

I'd be proud to help you in any way that I can.

Now you just name it.

The problem is he joined under false pretenses.

He ran away; he's not even 18 years old yet.

We need to know where he is

so we can find him and bring him back home.

I'm sorry, ma'am, I can't help you.

That's classified.

If your son were on a secret mission,

which I'm not saying he is nor that one exists,

it would compromise said mission...

if indeed there were one.

My hands are tied.

You know, Sergeant,

you and I aren't so different.

I mean, if you think about it,

we both have the same job.

Taking a bunch of mindless, irresponsible teenagers

and turning them into something

vaguely useful to the world.

It is a challenge, ma'am.

[chuckles] Last week, one of my boys

was trying to iron his shirt while he was still in it.

One of mine interrupted a war game

because his rifle was kind of digging into his shoulder.

[chuckling]

Did you make everyone suffer

for what the one kid did?

Of course.

But it never lasts, does it?

It is stunning how much punishment they require.

Tell me about it.

I'm amazed I get anything else done.

Did you ever try the opposite?

What do you mean?

Give one of them special privileges for no reason.

Now, how does that work?

It's really pretty neat.

The others don't know why he got special privileges

so they start doing everything right just to catch up.

Then the one you singled out starts getting

suspicious and paranoid

and he starts informing on the stragglers.

That sounds pretty good.

You mind if I steal that one?

Yeah, be my guest.

You know another good one?

Let them pick punishments for each other.

It exercises their creativity

and keeps them from ganging up on you.

-Nice. -You can also

take their breakfast, lunch and dinner,

put it the blender and grind it up

into a gray paste.

Eventually, they eat it.

That's kind of fun.

You are an artist.

No, I'm just a talented amateur.

[sighs]

I wish I could help you.

I wish I could just open this drawer up

and show you the information you need.

But I can't.

It's got me so frustrated

that I just want to stare intently out this window

for, oh, say...

120 seconds.

[speaking Farsi]

What is wrong with these guys? They're just like zombies.

It's the medication that makes them that way.

Except for Kowalski. I mean, he came to us like that.

Look, I don't think you should be giving them so much.

I was reading to Donaldson for a half an hour,

then a bee crawled out of his nose.

Believe me, it's better for everyone

to keep these men as calm as possible.

Hey, Ed, you want to play?

Here we go.

You know what, Ed?

You can do this.

I believe in you, all right?

I'm here to help you, however long it takes.

Maybe you feel ignored here.

Maybe you feel like you don't exist.

I know you exist, Ed.

Let me help you.

[pop, Ed choking]

[Malcolm gasps]

[talking baby talk]

Where have you been?

You've been gone all day. You haven't called.

I've been worried sick about you.

Well, I have to eat, Lois.

I'm a human being.

I'm sorry I'm so late.

I had to take the bus home.

I sold the car.

I bought a plane ticket to Kabul.

There's $400 left.

I'd give it to you to pay down the Visa bill,

but I need it for bribes.

What?!

I'm gonna go get him.

What are you talking about?

You can't just go get him.

Yes, I can.

Tonight, I'm gonna buy enough frozen dinners

to last you and the boys for three weeks.

Then tomorrow, I'm flying to Kabul.

If I don't get anywhere with the Army,

I'll hire an interpreter and get the locals to help me.

If I have to, I'll make friends with a warlord.

Those guys are pretty organized.

I'll find him, Hal.

And when does the little bird

pop out of your head and start singing?

This is what's happening, Hal.

Lois...

you can't do this.

At some point, you have to check your ego

and leave it to the professionals.

I can't!

Lois, you have this reckless, crazy belief in yourself

that lets you do amazing things.

It's something this family has always depended on.

I would be lost without it,

but sometimes that reckless,

crazy belief is just, just...

reckless and crazy.

You've got to accept

that some people can do things that you can't.

Heart surgeons,

rocket scientists,

that lady at the mall

who carves your name into a grain of rice.

How does she do that?

No one knows.

Honey, honey, look...

I am giving you permission not to be omnipotent.

I know it's gonna be hard, but everything will be okay.

I know it will.

[engine humming]

Sarsi or Diet Sarsi?

[bird screeching]

[whimpering] I can't do it.

[inhales wheezily]

I can't go on.

MAN: Is this any way to start your morning?

[family laughing, birds tweeting]

Mr. Waffles?

Reese, you can't give up!

You got to keep going.

You got to keep trying!

You don't know what I've been through.

I've been shot at, chased,

married...

and when the guy found out I was a dude,

it wasn't like a total deal breaker.

Son, I know it's hard.

But everything worth doing is hard.

When third quarter profits were down,

did Mr. Waffles give up?

No, he did not.

He put more lip-smacking delight in every bite!

I don't think I can move.

You have to move, Reese!

You have to get home to your family and friends

and your country.

These people have no idea what breakfast is.

They take rice from the night before

and cook it up into a thin paste.

Is that your idea of breakfast?

No, but...

Do you ever want to taste my buttery goodness again?

You know I do.

Reese,

listen to me.

I now have 20% more blueberries

in every box.

My legs.

They plump up in the batter!

They're so juicy that way!

[panting]

I'm coming home!

I'm proud of you, son.

Whatever happened to Mrs. Waffles?

She was hot.

Yes, she was.

But she didn't increase product awareness

in girls three to 18 a single percent.

[train whistle blows]

[goat bleating]

Nurse Peterson, you'll be interested to know

I took everyone's tranquilizers

and flushed them down the toilet.

What?

I came here to help because I owe someone something,

a soldier like these men.

I didn't come here to stand by and do nothing

while you crush their spirits with chemicals.

He deserved better, and they deserve better.

What the hell is wrong with you?

You can't take these men off their sedatives.

[loud clatter]

[clattering, old men shouting]

NURSE: Oh, my God.

-Security! -[man grunting]

[grunting, glass breaking]

Guys, please calm down.

Guys!

[yelling]

[loud, chaotic chatter, martial music]

[screaming]

-You have to stop. -Come on, come on!

-You have to... -[clang]

Ow!

Oh, I don't want to hear it.

Isn't it bad enough with your mother gone

and your brother missing?

You have to go out brawling in the streets?

[sighs]

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

This is our dinner.

[sighs]

Well, good news.

God decided I don't deserve

to redeem myself.

I get to carry this soul-crushing guilt

for the rest of my life.

Yeah. I've been trying to compose a requiem for him.

It's hard getting in the right mood

using a glitter marker.

Maybe we've been trying to honor Reese the wrong way.

What do you mean?

Reese wasn't into helping people

and doing good deeds.

He loved to smash stuff

and destroy things for no reason.

If we're gonna honor Reese,

maybe we should think about doing it his way.

You have something in mind?

This kind of caught my eye.

An art fair?

Just think what Reese would have done with this.

They've got driftwood art, yarn owls, dream catchers,

face painting, folk dancing.

They are kind of begging for it.

I don't know.

There's rapping grannies.

Let me see that.

REESE: Let me go, please!

Come on. How was I supposed to know it was your god?

It looked like a monkey man! Uhh!

You're gonna regret this!

If my husband finds out,

he'll make you pay.

Then you'll really be sorry.

Mom?

Thank you so much.

-There you are. -[coins clink]

What in the name of God were you thinking?!

Look at you. You are filthy!

Your nails are a disgrace.

You've been tomb robbing!

Well, the fun stops now, young man!

Oh, you are in so much trouble!

[crowd chattering]

I just can't believe he could really be gone.

I know.

Wow, this diaper's got to be a five-pounder.

I'd like to think Jamie knew what it was for.

[sighs]

It's so weird.

It seems like all my life

I've wished for something horrible

to happen to Reese,

and now that it has, I...

I...

-Miss him? -Yeah.

I do, too.

Remember when he shaved my eyebrows

and glued them back on,

so I looked permanently surprised?

That was genius.

[beep, balloons popping]

-[crowd groaning] -MAN: This is horrible!

Remember that look of pure joy he'd get on Christmas morning

when he was smashing our presents?

MAN: [whimpering] Oh, it's in my eyes!

No matter how hard I tried,

I could never make Mom's face

turn that special purple color.

Reese purple.

Why couldn't I have said something meaningful

to him before he...

[sighs]

Don't do this to yourself.

[popping, screaming]

MAN: Oh, no! Oh, no! I can't believe...

He would have liked this.

[disgusted exclamations]

I only wish he could have been here to see it.

REESE: Me, too.

Reese!

-DEWEY: You're not dead! -MALCOLM: I can't believe it.

Reese, I'm so glad to see you.

All right, all right.

Don't 'mo me.

How does this work?

Oh, well,

we have the remote here, and you pick out a good one...

Here. We were saving this one.

It's from when Jamie had swine flu.

Nice.

♪ We're the rapping grannies and we're here to say ♪

♪ Rapping grannies like to kick it ♪

♪ The old school way ♪

♪ Yo, yo, yo ♪

♪ Rapping grannies in the house... ♪

[beep, screaming]

God, I love this country.

[commotion continues]

Captioned by Post Haste Digital