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1
00:00:02,001 --> 00:00:04,471
Previously
on Malcolm in the Middle...
I love you.
2
00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:05,639
I want to break up.
3
00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:08,209
DRILL SERGEANT:
Welcome to the US Army!
4
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:09,543
You are not
going to lie
5
00:00:09,577 --> 00:00:11,845
to put someone in jail
who might be innocent.
6
00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:13,647
Can't he at least
put some pants on?
7
00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:17,017
Just as soon as we
get a good perp walk
out of him.
8
00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:18,486
MAN:
Your court order says you have
9
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,054
to stay within
a 50-foot radius.
10
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:22,556
My drill sergeant's breath
is not my concern!
11
00:00:22,590 --> 00:00:23,524
I know you're innocent,
12
00:00:23,557 --> 00:00:24,658
and I can prove it.
13
00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,393
Just make sure you stay
14
00:00:25,426 --> 00:00:26,660
within 30 feet of this backpack.
15
00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,496
I want you to explain
to these recruits
16
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:30,098
how the worst soldier
in the unit
17
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:31,899
has managed to put
them all to shame.
18
00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,667
I just stopped thinking.
19
00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,169
I'm the world's
happiest tool.
20
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,838
Mom, you've been in
there for three hours!
21
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,040
LOIS:
In a minute. I'm in the shower!
22
00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,742
I think we got a bomb here.
23
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,010
Sir, I need you to step away
24
00:00:43,043 --> 00:00:44,778
to a distance
of at least 150 feet.
25
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,013
I can't do that.
26
00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,182
I'm... I'm...
27
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,551
I'm in the bomb squad.
28
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:53,254
(whimpers)
29
00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:56,890
* Yes, no, maybe
30
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,360
* I don't know
31
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:02,796
* Can you repeat the question?
32
00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,932
* You're not the boss
of me now *
33
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:07,368
* You're not
the boss of me now *
34
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:08,869
* You're not the boss
of me now *
35
00:01:08,902 --> 00:01:11,939
* And you're not so big
36
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,308
* You're not the boss
of me now *
37
00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,377
* You're not
the boss of me now *
38
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:18,912
* You're not the boss
of me now *
39
00:01:18,946 --> 00:01:21,782
* And you're not so big
40
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:26,254
* Life is unfair.
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00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:32,260
OFFICER (over bullhorn):
You're not alone.
42
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:35,129
We've called every
available police officer
43
00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:38,232
in the Tri-County area.
44
00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:40,134
Are you sure
you don't need
any equipment?
45
00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,136
We've got some
needle-nose pliers.
46
00:01:42,170 --> 00:01:43,937
No! Stay away!
47
00:01:43,971 --> 00:01:45,639
Everyone has to stay away!
48
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:49,510
This thing is picking up
a lot of vibrations right now.
49
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:51,078
I said get back.
50
00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,413
Do you have a death wish,
Officer?
51
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,248
I'm Lieutenant Sortino
with the bomb squad.
52
00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,184
I'm here to help.
What's your name?
53
00:01:56,217 --> 00:01:57,751
No time for introductions.
54
00:01:57,785 --> 00:01:59,187
We've got a level five explosive
55
00:01:59,220 --> 00:02:02,490
with a gravity timer
and a percussion fuse.
56
00:02:02,523 --> 00:02:05,526
What bomb squad
did you say you were with?
57
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:06,760
Millbrook.
58
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,595
I'm off duty.
59
00:02:07,628 --> 00:02:08,996
Came by to return
a library book.
60
00:02:09,029 --> 00:02:10,264
You've got a better
selection here.
61
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:12,433
And they charge 50 cents a day
back home.
62
00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:14,168
Now, I know the fines help pay
63
00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:16,136
for the place,
but that's really
64
00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,505
a very small part of the budget.
65
00:02:17,538 --> 00:02:20,774
Now, if we are finished
playing 20 questions,
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00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,211
I've got lives to save.
67
00:02:24,345 --> 00:02:27,615
Since you guys seem
more up to date in Millbrook,
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00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,850
I'm just going to go call
your supervisor,
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00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:31,219
see if he can send
some backup.
70
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:33,287
Hoo-hoo! Sure.
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00:02:33,321 --> 00:02:36,624
If you can find him.
(chuckling)
72
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,527
(indistinct police radio
transmissions)
73
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:45,666
Okay, I'm going to try
to detach the coaxial...
74
00:02:46,934 --> 00:02:48,068
(screeches):
Oh, no!
75
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,670
I cut the wrong wire!
76
00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:51,905
It's gonna blow!
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00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,342
Tell my wife I love her!
78
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,143
Five!
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00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:57,144
Four!
80
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,579
Three!
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00:02:58,612 --> 00:02:59,480
Two!
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00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,249
One!
83
00:03:13,794 --> 00:03:16,697
See? You don't need
grocery money if
you're creative.
84
00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,333
I wish I had better
news for you, Hal,
but the prosecution
85
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,669
has 30 eyewitnesses
that can all avoid
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00:03:21,702 --> 00:03:24,772
going to prison themselves
by fingering you.
87
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:26,507
How about my mystery guy?
88
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,175
He's only got
six months to live.
89
00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,244
He doesn't want to die
with a guilty conscience.
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00:03:30,278 --> 00:03:32,112
He's gonna completely
exonerate me.
91
00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,581
And he's not imaginary.
92
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:35,215
This is pretty much
how things
93
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,017
have been going
around here lately.
94
00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,519
Dad's trial starts tomorrow,
95
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,521
we still have no idea
where Reese is,
96
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,623
and Mom kind of had
a breakdown.
97
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:45,526
It's okay. She's slowly
working her way back.
98
00:03:45,559 --> 00:03:48,262
I think her new hobby's
helping her.
99
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:53,033
This one's name
is Sam Gundlebumps.
100
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:57,037
He grew up on a farm
where he was friends
with a turkey and a duck.
101
00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,374
He can't see very well, so
he's always getting lost.
102
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,442
It'll be okay, Lois.
103
00:04:01,475 --> 00:04:03,043
We're gonna find Reese.
104
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:05,413
(gasps):
Look, he picked flowers.
105
00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:08,349
He's going a-courtin'.
106
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:11,118
Right face!
107
00:04:11,151 --> 00:04:12,119
Left face!
108
00:04:12,152 --> 00:04:14,154
About face!
109
00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:14,988
Right arm windmill!
110
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,124
Hop on your left foot!
111
00:04:17,156 --> 00:04:19,726
Teapot!
112
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,161
About face!
113
00:04:21,194 --> 00:04:23,431
Forward march!
114
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,736
He'll do that all day.
115
00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:31,472
He's got no more
thought than a bug.
116
00:04:31,505 --> 00:04:33,073
It's almost enough
to restore my faith
117
00:04:33,106 --> 00:04:34,241
in the future of this army.
118
00:04:34,274 --> 00:04:36,677
I guess those subliminal ads
are working after all.
119
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,979
The army doesn't
use subliminal ads.
120
00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:41,815
(Reese bumping wall repeatedly)
121
00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:43,484
At ease!
122
00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:47,087
Now, in a few days
we have some
123
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,423
very important
field training exercises,
124
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:52,125
and I want you
to be my number two,
125
00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:53,794
because you will obey
my every command
126
00:04:53,827 --> 00:04:56,597
like some kind of beautiful,
brainless zombie robot.
127
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,298
I'd be honored, Drill Sergeant.
128
00:04:58,332 --> 00:04:59,600
Now let's go make
some bets
129
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,802
and march you
into the electric fence.
130
00:05:03,070 --> 00:05:05,138
WOMAN:
I saw the defendant
131
00:05:05,172 --> 00:05:07,441
hack through
the proxy server's firewall,
132
00:05:07,475 --> 00:05:10,611
and delete the SPE files
without leaving any tracks.
133
00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,480
I didn't totally understand it,
134
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:13,814
but he said the
dummy corporation
135
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:16,850
could be used to launder
all the money we siphoned off.
136
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:19,953
You can threaten
my children all you want!
137
00:05:19,987 --> 00:05:21,021
I don't care!
138
00:05:21,054 --> 00:05:22,990
I have to tell the truth!
139
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:30,330
(mouthing)
140
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:33,133
For God's sakes,
do something.
141
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,468
Just be patient.
142
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:37,137
There's such a thing
as too much evidence.
143
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:40,040
Eventually they'll get bored.
144
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,009
The prosecution
calls Gordon Walker.
145
00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,914
That's him.
That's my guy.
146
00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:53,821
I was worried about what
I would say when I got up here,
147
00:05:53,854 --> 00:05:54,988
but deep down, I knew
148
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,157
I would have to tell the truth.
149
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,727
There's a conspiracy
going on here,
150
00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:01,829
and it's all been orchestrated
151
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,096
by that man.
152
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:05,733
(gallery murmuring)
153
00:06:05,766 --> 00:06:09,737
(whispering):
Is he pointing at someone
directly behind me?
154
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,106
And after he shredded
the last of the documents,
155
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,207
he delivered the punch line
156
00:06:14,241 --> 00:06:16,744
to yet another
racist joke.
157
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:18,712
PROSECUTOR:
No further questions.
158
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,116
Turns out I'm gonna live.
159
00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:25,619
They had the wrong X ray.
160
00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:27,555
Boy, when you've had
a scare like mine,
161
00:06:27,588 --> 00:06:29,423
you realize what's
really important--
162
00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:30,924
staying out of jail.
163
00:06:30,958 --> 00:06:32,392
Good luck.
164
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,139
MALCOLM:
With this many people lying,
165
00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,709
we've got to be able
to find something
to trip one of them up.
166
00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:50,578
Let's not get
our hopes up.
167
00:06:52,145 --> 00:06:53,914
Mom, I know you've
had a rough time
168
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:57,551
and that your little
projects are very
therapeutic for you,
169
00:06:57,585 --> 00:06:59,553
but Dad is in very big trouble.
170
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,254
You have to start helping.
171
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:02,823
Honey, I know this is a crisis,
172
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,559
and believe me,
I'm doing everything I can.
173
00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:08,228
I spent extra money
on quick-drying glue,
174
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,898
so no matter how you shake it,
the sequins won't fall off.
175
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,432
After what happened
at Compulsories,
176
00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:16,103
Rebecca's really got to nail
her long program.
177
00:07:23,043 --> 00:07:25,779
Those flour bombs
just don't do it for me.
178
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:28,315
I miss the old days
when we got to use
live ordnance.
179
00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:30,150
That looked like the movies.
180
00:07:31,051 --> 00:07:32,085
Tell your men advance
181
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,120
northwest, 20 meters.
182
00:07:33,153 --> 00:07:35,656
Advance northwest, 20 meters!
183
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,424
North-northeast,
five meters!
184
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,693
North-northeast, five meters!
185
00:07:41,294 --> 00:07:44,431
(beeping)
Crap. I'm hit!
186
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,433
I'm gonna go die
over here in the shade.
187
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,768
Get to the rendezvous point!
188
00:07:47,801 --> 00:07:50,003
Bravo, lay down cover fire!
Alpha, flank right.
189
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:53,106
Get to the rendezvous point!
Bravo, lay down cover fire.
190
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:54,675
Alpha, flank right!
191
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:55,609
You are really showing
192
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,177
leadership, soldier!
193
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:59,079
I am really
showing leadership!
194
00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:02,149
(man screaming)
195
00:08:02,182 --> 00:08:04,184
I'm allergic to wheat products!
196
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,620
This is going
to be awesome.
197
00:08:06,654 --> 00:08:07,688
You've got
to watch this.
198
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:08,956
He swells up
like a balloon.
199
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,524
Hey!
200
00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:12,826
We got a vehicle
from Blue Team approaching.
201
00:08:12,860 --> 00:08:13,627
Squad Leader!
202
00:08:13,661 --> 00:08:14,962
Intercept that vehicle!
203
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,597
Yes, Sergeant!
204
00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:21,168
Oh, no!
205
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:26,607
Oh, my God, are you okay?
206
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:31,078
God, I love that boy.
207
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:34,715
More Blue Team vehicles
approaching-- should we run?
208
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:38,217
Sergeant! Sergeant!
209
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,486
Forget the sergeant!
210
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,654
Just say we can run!
211
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:42,255
Sergeant? Sergeant?
212
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:44,391
Idiot! Move!
213
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:45,826
Reese! Come on!
214
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:47,160
Can we go?!
215
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,096
Sergeant? Sergeant?
216
00:08:52,399 --> 00:08:54,702
Sergeant? Sergeant?
217
00:08:59,372 --> 00:09:00,874
Sergeant?
218
00:09:06,546 --> 00:09:09,617
Ladies and gentlemen, you have
heard a staggering amount
219
00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:10,684
of evidence
against the defendant.
220
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,686
Let me clarify what we now know.
221
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:14,588
Three members of
the board of directors
222
00:09:14,622 --> 00:09:15,923
testified that the defendant
223
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:19,693
submitted altered financial
statements on August 9.
224
00:09:19,727 --> 00:09:20,861
The Senior VP of Finance
225
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,930
heard the defendant plot to hide
226
00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:26,433
company assets offshore
on December 6.
227
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:27,868
The Chief Operations Officer
228
00:09:27,901 --> 00:09:29,703
saw him shredding documents
in a stairwell
229
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,538
on February 21.
230
00:09:31,571 --> 00:09:34,875
And on June 27,
the Director of IT Services
231
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,810
testified that the defendant
232
00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:39,246
showed him pictures
of his new yacht
233
00:09:39,279 --> 00:09:42,816
which he named Above the Law.
234
00:09:43,516 --> 00:09:45,252
And, on July 11,
235
00:09:45,285 --> 00:09:47,888
you heard the Senior Analyst
236
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,923
break down in tears
as he revealed
237
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:51,058
(snoring)
the defendant's scheme
238
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,392
to bilk the company
out of millions...
239
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,227
What are you
doing?
240
00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,630
Shh. I'm awake.
241
00:09:56,664 --> 00:10:00,300
I'm trying to get you
grounds for an appeal.
242
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,769
(snoring)
243
00:10:06,106 --> 00:10:08,608
Mom?
Are you coming out for dinner?
244
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,811
I'm just taking
Penelope's temperature.
245
00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:13,146
I think she caught
Ambrosia's cold.
246
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:15,582
Is Penelope
the foreign correspondent
247
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,450
or the candy striper?
248
00:10:17,484 --> 00:10:20,420
No, she's just
a homemaker,
249
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,922
but a big candy
company's
250
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:24,357
interested in her
taffy recipe.
251
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,225
Can I have the potatoes?
252
00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,928
You can have anything
you want, son,
253
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,263
if you're willing
to work for it.
254
00:10:30,297 --> 00:10:32,199
Just reach
for the stars
255
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:33,266
and never let go.
256
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,836
I should have told you that
a long time ago.
257
00:10:35,869 --> 00:10:38,438
And when you write
an angry letter,
258
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:39,940
hold onto it
for a day.
259
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,709
You might not feel the
same in the morning.
260
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,376
And never invest
261
00:10:43,410 --> 00:10:45,612
in a friend's
restaurant. Never.
262
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,147
You know what?
263
00:10:47,180 --> 00:10:47,948
I'm not hungry.
264
00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:49,616
Come on, Dewey,
let's go teach you
265
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:50,718
how to shave.
266
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:53,620
Great!
267
00:10:53,653 --> 00:10:55,488
When you
tip a valet,
268
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,290
always fold your
dollar up real tight.
269
00:10:57,324 --> 00:10:59,392
That way, by the time
he sees what he's got,
270
00:10:59,426 --> 00:11:00,694
you're down
the block.
271
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,831
(sobbing)
272
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:04,732
Dad?
273
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,366
I made coffee. You want some?
274
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,467
Oh, hi.
275
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:08,869
I was just singing.
276
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,271
Always have a song
in your heart, son.
277
00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,241
Thanks.
278
00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:15,743
(sighs)
279
00:11:15,776 --> 00:11:17,644
You know what
the worst thing is?
280
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:20,313
I have always
hated that job.
281
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,148
I wanted to quit
282
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,883
ten years ago
when they started
283
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:24,351
deducting for sick days.
284
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:25,485
I wanted to quit
a year ago
285
00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:26,854
when they started making us
286
00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,521
vacuum out our own cubicles.
287
00:11:28,555 --> 00:11:30,057
If I'd have
done that,
288
00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:31,825
they would have
found another patsy
289
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:33,693
and I wouldn't have been
in this mess.
290
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:35,428
They should have just fired me.
291
00:11:36,463 --> 00:11:38,365
I was a terrible employee.
292
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,767
I never read a memo,
293
00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:42,235
I came in late,
I blew off Fridays.
294
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:45,205
What the hell is wrong
with those people?
295
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:47,841
Just promise me
296
00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:49,910
that you'll learn
from my mistakes.
297
00:11:49,943 --> 00:11:52,679
Don't ever settle, Malcolm.
298
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,314
I won't.
299
00:11:56,483 --> 00:12:01,054
I'm going to go make love
to your mother one last time.
300
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:05,425
I probably wasn't going
to sleep tonight anyway.
301
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,061
Malcolm, we have to talk.
302
00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:10,597
We've been avoiding
this, but it's
303
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,199
time to face the facts.
304
00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:14,567
We need you to forge Dad's
signature on this document
305
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,436
declaring Mom
mentally incompetent.
306
00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:17,537
That way, when Dad
goes to jail,
307
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,806
you can get emancipated
308
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,308
and I'll take custody
of Dewey and Jamie.
309
00:12:21,341 --> 00:12:22,943
It's funny.
310
00:12:22,976 --> 00:12:26,246
I always figured Mom for jail
and Dad for the loony bin.
311
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,480
Life, huh?
312
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:29,549
I can't fake
Dad's signature.
313
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,085
I do Mom.
Reese does Dad.
314
00:12:32,119 --> 00:12:32,986
What?
315
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,621
You should each
be able to do both.
316
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,089
What did I tell you
about building
317
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,825
a little redundancy
into the system?
318
00:12:37,858 --> 00:12:39,927
Wait a second.
319
00:12:40,527 --> 00:12:41,461
Oh, my God.
320
00:12:41,494 --> 00:12:43,964
What is it?
I need to talk to Dad right now.
321
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,736
Maybe I'll wait 20 minutes.
322
00:12:49,769 --> 00:12:52,072
What were your
orders, Private?!
323
00:12:52,105 --> 00:12:53,573
I don't know.
Ask the sergeant.
324
00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,742
Tell us your call signs
and frequencies!
325
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,510
I don't know.
Ask the sergeant.
326
00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,846
We don't have
to do this
327
00:12:58,879 --> 00:12:59,980
the hard way.
328
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,815
Let's all take
a break
329
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:03,450
and relax
a little.
330
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,986
You want a glass
of water?
331
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,421
I don't know.
Ask the sergeant.
332
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:09,622
Stop saying that!
333
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:11,258
This may not be a real war,
334
00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,160
but I got an extra day's leave
riding on this,
335
00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,028
and a girlfriend
who is in model school.
336
00:13:15,495 --> 00:13:16,596
Model school!
337
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,833
Now you will talk or I will make
your life a living hell!
338
00:13:19,867 --> 00:13:21,201
You don't think I want to?!
339
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:22,769
This sucks!
I've been a good soldier!
340
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:25,272
I shut off my brain
like the Army wanted.
341
00:13:25,305 --> 00:13:27,440
Everyone said I was
doing great, but I'm not!
342
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:28,842
I have to help my squad.
343
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:30,277
The guys are depending on me,
but I can't!
344
00:13:30,310 --> 00:13:32,379
You know what?
I don't care what the Army says.
345
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,947
I'm sick of this!
346
00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:35,348
I'm turning my brain back on!
347
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:41,221
Did it happen?
348
00:13:42,355 --> 00:13:43,456
Did what happen?
349
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,624
Wait...
350
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,326
I think it's...
351
00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,661
No, it's not.
352
00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,630
Yes, it is.
353
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,132
Is it?
354
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,167
Damn, I wish there was
more of a difference.
355
00:13:54,201 --> 00:13:56,036
Look, you can act
as crazy as you'd like,
356
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:57,570
'cause I got nothing but time.
357
00:13:57,604 --> 00:13:59,072
And no one's coming
to rescue you.
358
00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,807
Not your sergeant,
not your squad,
359
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,075
and your mama's
not going to come
360
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:04,177
and wipe your nose
and change your diaper.
361
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:08,581
Mom.
362
00:14:08,615 --> 00:14:10,583
Mom. Of course.
363
00:14:10,617 --> 00:14:13,020
(inhales deeply)
364
00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,223
Freak held
his breath
365
00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:18,525
until he turned blue
and then passed out.
366
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:24,164
Yeah! Whoo!
367
00:14:24,197 --> 00:14:25,765
Haven't done that in a while.
368
00:14:25,798 --> 00:14:27,567
You okay?
I'm fine.
369
00:14:27,600 --> 00:14:29,402
I know how to get us
out of here.
370
00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,005
That's impossible. Look around.
We're in prison, man.
371
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:35,175
Wrong. We are not in prison.
We're grounded.
372
00:14:35,208 --> 00:14:37,344
And there's always a way
to get out of being grounded.
373
00:14:37,377 --> 00:14:39,079
You can pry up
some floorboards...
374
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,048
set your bed on fire.
375
00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:43,150
There's only two things
you have to remember.
376
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,018
You need a diversion
377
00:14:45,052 --> 00:14:47,220
and the little guy
gets screwed.
378
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:48,521
But that's okay.
379
00:14:48,555 --> 00:14:50,690
He's too little to do
anything about it.
380
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:51,758
You're going to have
381
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:53,393
to eat some dirt-- about
three pounds of it.
382
00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:55,128
What good's a diversion
going to do? We're tied up.
383
00:14:55,162 --> 00:14:57,130
I guess your brothers
never tied you up
384
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,066
and left you in a Dumpster
on trash day.
385
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:03,236
Okay,
start eating.
386
00:15:03,270 --> 00:15:05,872
It's not fatal,
it only looks like it.
387
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:06,873
(vomiting)
388
00:15:06,906 --> 00:15:07,874
We need more shovels!
389
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,243
And just get every
bucket you can find!
390
00:15:16,149 --> 00:15:17,884
You might want
to hike up your pants.
391
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:19,652
He's got another
half hour of this.
392
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:24,224
Good news, sir.
393
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:26,126
It looks like Red
Team's about to fold.
394
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:27,560
Two squads have
been captured,
395
00:15:27,594 --> 00:15:30,563
the others are pinned down
here, here, and here.
396
00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:35,468
Okay, now we've just got to
sneak the keys out of his purse.
397
00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:38,005
(clears throat)
398
00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:44,444
Test, test.
399
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:47,680
Test, test.
400
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:49,916
(blows)
401
00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:50,917
The microphone works.
402
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:51,851
The chair
is perfect,
403
00:15:51,884 --> 00:15:52,952
and your hair
looks fine, sir.
404
00:15:52,986 --> 00:15:54,187
Can we proceed?
405
00:15:55,555 --> 00:15:57,590
Now then, Hal, we've heard
a lot of testimony
406
00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,093
from people about what
you've done at this company.
407
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:02,462
Why don't you tell us
in your own words
408
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:05,032
what kind of
an employee you were.
409
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,400
Marginal.
410
00:16:09,736 --> 00:16:11,271
At best.
411
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,439
Would you care to elaborate?
412
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:16,509
When you work for a big,
impersonal corporation
413
00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:17,677
like this...
414
00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,312
You know those nature shows
415
00:16:19,346 --> 00:16:21,848
where a wasp paralyzes
a caterpillar,
416
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,950
then injects it full of larvae?
417
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,618
It stays alive for weeks,
418
00:16:25,652 --> 00:16:28,221
completely aware,
feeling every little bite
419
00:16:28,255 --> 00:16:30,990
as the larvae
devour it from the inside.
420
00:16:31,858 --> 00:16:33,960
I sat in a cubicle every day
421
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,962
envying that caterpillar
422
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,731
'cause at least
he got to be on TV.
423
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,568
I hated that job.
424
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:43,836
I was a crappy employee.
425
00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,004
And yet countless
426
00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,574
eyewitnesses paint you
as a man at the center
427
00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:48,975
of an ingenious conspiracy.
428
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,510
(soft crying)
429
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:52,912
Shh-shh...
430
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,714
Time and time again
you were placed
431
00:16:54,747 --> 00:16:56,015
at a crucial event.
432
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:59,419
Do you have any way
of refuting these claims?
433
00:16:59,452 --> 00:17:00,520
Well, I didn't.
434
00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:01,454
Who could remember
435
00:17:01,488 --> 00:17:03,823
what they were doing
on January 25, 2002
436
00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:06,226
or March 14, 2003?
437
00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,994
But my son
figured something out.
438
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,530
Stand up,
Malcolm.
439
00:17:11,763 --> 00:17:12,732
I know he
looks normal,
440
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,867
but my son is a freaky genius
with numbers.
441
00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:16,669
I'm telling you,
his head should be
442
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,003
the size of a medicine ball.
443
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,406
You give him
444
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:21,007
any day of any year,
and he can tell you
445
00:17:21,040 --> 00:17:22,008
what day
of the week it is.
446
00:17:22,040 --> 00:17:23,542
And what does that have
to do with anything?
447
00:17:23,576 --> 00:17:27,914
Well, he figured out
that every date on the board
448
00:17:27,946 --> 00:17:29,015
is a Friday.
449
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:31,184
Every one.
You can check the calendar.
450
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:32,119
DENNIS:
I'm sorry,
451
00:17:32,152 --> 00:17:33,186
I don't understand
452
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,754
why that would be
so important.
453
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:43,696
I haven't shown up for work
on a Friday in 15 years.
454
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:47,334
He didn't show up on Fridays
for 15 years!
455
00:17:48,735 --> 00:17:50,770
That isn't going to be
on the record, is it?
456
00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,372
Do you have any evidence
457
00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:54,441
to back up this wild assertion?
458
00:17:54,474 --> 00:17:56,576
Well, yeah, once I knew
what to look for,
459
00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,378
I realized I had almost
everything I need
460
00:17:58,411 --> 00:17:59,812
right here in my memory box.
461
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:02,882
The prosecution maintains
462
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,084
that you handed
the board of directors
463
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:07,220
a set of cooked books
on August 9.
464
00:18:07,254 --> 00:18:11,324
Yes, that's when I went
to Bavaria Land.
465
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:16,396
And when
you were
466
00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:17,797
supposed to be hiding money
467
00:18:17,830 --> 00:18:18,965
offshore on December 6?
468
00:18:18,998 --> 00:18:20,633
I went to The Nutcracker.
469
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,570
Pretty good for a community
college production.
470
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:25,138
DENNIS:
February 21.
471
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:26,406
My driver's
license
472
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,308
from Grand Prix Go-Carts.
473
00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:31,077
June 27.
474
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:32,812
Pilgrim Village.
475
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,514
July 11.
476
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:37,083
There was a ghost
in my car.
477
00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:40,187
Right in my car.
478
00:18:40,987 --> 00:18:42,955
And finally,
479
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:44,191
August 22.
480
00:18:44,224 --> 00:18:45,258
Well, I was chosen
481
00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:47,560
to be a junior trainer
at Oceanland.
482
00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:53,366
He did all the work.
I just stood there.
483
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,102
(laughing and cheering)
484
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,804
Congratulations,
Hal.
485
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:01,107
Sorry about my little
outburst there at the end.
486
00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,275
But they really
should say
487
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,010
"Innocent" instead
of "Not guilty."
488
00:19:04,043 --> 00:19:05,745
It's confusing.
489
00:19:07,714 --> 00:19:10,417
Lois, we won the case.
490
00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:11,718
Now we can get
491
00:19:11,751 --> 00:19:13,386
our lives back
to the way they were.
492
00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:17,824
You didn't work
on Fridays?
493
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:19,058
After all
the sacrifices
494
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:21,694
I made for this family.
495
00:19:21,728 --> 00:19:22,962
For 15 years
496
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:24,897
I worked double shifts,
497
00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:27,367
drove carpool,
cleaned the house
498
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,902
while you were
feeding Shamu!
499
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:31,037
Actually, it's Keiko 2.
500
00:19:31,070 --> 00:19:33,406
He's smaller, but you get
just as wet in the front row.
501
00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,741
It's a really good show.
Let's...
502
00:19:34,774 --> 00:19:35,908
We should see it
sometime.
503
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,812
All right, let's
get this over with.
504
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,147
Red Team surrenders.
505
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:42,148
Come on, Hendrix,
506
00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:43,650
you can put a little
feeling into it.
507
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:44,684
Yes, sir.
508
00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:47,019
That leaves us with
the matter of the wager.
509
00:19:47,053 --> 00:19:48,421
I believe I can
expect to see you
510
00:19:48,455 --> 00:19:50,257
bright and early
tomorrow morning
511
00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:51,824
marching on the
parade grounds
512
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:54,561
wearing patent leather
pumps and a bustier.
513
00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:55,562
Now, I've always
514
00:19:55,595 --> 00:19:57,364
favored red, but
far be it from me
515
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:58,998
to tell a lady
how to dress.
516
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:01,868
(engine rumbling)
517
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:10,743
Captain,
518
00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:12,044
I suggest you surrender.
519
00:20:12,078 --> 00:20:13,413
If not, I have enough flour
520
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:14,681
packed in this
barrel to bake
521
00:20:14,714 --> 00:20:16,349
500 cakes.
522
00:20:16,383 --> 00:20:19,018
All right, don't fire.
523
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,254
We hereby surrender.
524
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:25,892
Ah, what the hell.
525
00:20:33,065 --> 00:20:34,867
Things are finally
back to normal.
526
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:38,070
Well, except for the fact
that Reese is still missing,
527
00:20:38,104 --> 00:20:39,939
Mom and Dad both
don't have jobs,
528
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:42,141
and we're
$20,000 in debt.
529
00:20:42,174 --> 00:20:43,776
It's a letter from Reese.
530
00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:47,213
Oh, my God,
he's joined the army.
531
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:49,316
"Dear family, I'm fine.
532
00:20:49,349 --> 00:20:51,551
"I waited till I was
a success to write to you.
533
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,753
"I finished basic
training at the top
534
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:54,787
"of my class.
535
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,055
"My drill sergeant told me
536
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:59,058
I've earned some
sort of reward."
537
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,226
All right, gentlemen.
538
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,994
We've entered
Afghani airspace.
539
00:21:02,028 --> 00:21:03,062
We expect
both hostile
540
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,597
and friendly fire.
541
00:21:04,631 --> 00:21:06,466
The better you remember
your training,
542
00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:07,967
the longer you will survive.
543
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,001
On your feet!
544
00:21:09,035 --> 00:21:11,070
How soon do we land?
545
00:21:11,103 --> 00:21:12,605
Well, that's
up to you.
546
00:21:13,873 --> 00:21:16,843
Remember, pull the green cord
before the light green cord.
35664
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