All language subtitles for Malcolm.In.The.Middle.S05E20.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

Guys, look, I like you both.

You work hard,
but you gotta realize

how other people
see this relationship.

Dude ranches have a lot
of conservative customers,

so, even though I personally
don't have a problem

with you two as a couple,
this has to stop.

(mooing)

Thunder,
get back in your own stall.

(mooing)

* Life is unfair.

Dewey, I just found
this letter!

It says your school's going
to have a father-son 5K race,

and it was in the trash.

I wanted to save you the trouble
of agreeing to do it

and then coming up
with a bunch of lame excuses

when you don't show up.

It's degrading for you and even
though I should know better,

still slightly disappointing
for me.

Come on, I'm not that bad.

Last week you missed my class

performing an original
one-act play that I wrote.

Well, I was there yesterday

when the mayor presented you
with an award for it.

No, you weren't.

Well, I saw every second
of the video.

Look, son,
I am going to be at that race.

REESE:
Okay, if you say so.

I'll check.

Mom, do you want to talk to dead
Grandpa's secret other family?

What did you say?

This lady says she's your sister
and she wants to talk to you.

Make it fast, I have a radio
station in Hawaii on hold.

Hello?

Hello, Lois.

This is Roberta from Manitoba.

Your sister?

Halfway.

God, this is weird.

Hi. Um...

What's up?

You know,
your mom's lawsuit is over.

I hope you know I didn't
have anything to do with that.

Please-- I tried to talk her
out of it,

but she just wouldn't listen.

And I'm so sorry she gave your
phone number to those prisoners.

Well, it's all water
under the bridge.

It's just, now that
the court case is over,

it just felt weird
to have family

that I didn't ever talk to.

So, now I am.

Talking.

Uh, not very well, apparently.

(clears throat)

God, where is

my diet root beer?

You drink diet root beer?

I drink diet root beer, too.

I'm telling you, Hal,

it is uncanny
how much we are alike.

We both have five letters
in our middle name!

We both like movies
about English ladies

living in
tropical countries.

We have the same ring size,

and we both hope
to go skiing one day!

Wow. Make sure I get
the right one back.

I wish I could come.

Although, obviously,

not as much as I want
to go racing with Dewey.

(laughing):
Right, sport?

Wouldn't it be pretty
to think so.

(Jamie wailing)

Get ready for
21 hours of this.

Reese, you put him in his seat
face down!

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

I lost the case.

They said I was never legally
married to Victor

because there were no documents.

Oh, that judge had guts

after what I mailed him.

That's very sad, Mom.

Not married!

Victor came to my house

and defeated each of my brothers
in combat.

The proof was the bite marks
on his back!

Mom, I really don't want
to hear this again.

My life is horrible!

I can't think of anything
but death.

I thought I'd come down tomorrow
for a visit.

What?!

You want to come see us
tomorrow?

(quietly):
Birthday party for Jamie.

Mother, that's a great idea.

We would love to see you

because tomorrow
is Jamie's birthday.

And there are going to be kids
here, and balloons and songs...

I just remembered.
Tomorrow I'm getting waxed.

I can't ring
the doorbell.

It's too weird.

You can do it.

Canadian doorbells
work just like ours.

No, Reese,

I mean it's strange.

These people have
the same DNA as us.

It's kind of spooky.

Don't be so freaked out, Mom.

There's nothing spooky
about this.

You must be Lois.

And I bet

that you're
Reese and Malcolm and Jamie.

Oh, I'm so glad
you're all here.

Come in, come in!

So, is Dad's oth...?

Uh... I mean, is Victor...?

Is your mother here?

Oh, yes.

But she's really, uh...

They shouldn't
have come...

until I've had time
to finish the cookies.

And my hair is just a mess!

You look just like your father!

Well, we're all thinking it.

I don't care
how uncomfortable this is.

Give me a hug!

Wow. Grandpa really
went for old women.

Genes are weird.

Reese and I are brothers,

and we're barely
in the same species.

But Jerome is my half-cousin,

and we look the same,
we stand the same,

and we're already talking
like we're best friends.

Malcolm, you're describing
an ontology of modality

that's completely
consistent.

As consistent as logicism.

(both laughing)
And he's funny!

Hey, Malcolm,

I'm gonna take your brother
goose hunting.

You're taking
Reese hunting?

Yeah, you know, he says
he's never held a gun before,

but, boy, he seems
like a natural with it.

God, I hope the zombies
attack today.

So, how's your school?

Okay, I guess.

They've got me
in this accelerated program.

Me, too.

It kind of sucks.

Yeah. It's great being
so popular,

but every group of friends
you're in

expects you to go
to all their parties,

which is, like,
physically impossible.

Yeah. Impossible.

Not to mention juggling
homework, hockey practice,

being president
of the student body,

and still trying to find
enough time

for your girlfriend.

Oh, I have to call her.

I'm clinging to a slight hope
that she's imaginary.

Hey, it's me.

You did
get the flowers.

I'm glad you liked them.

If we were born
so much alike,

why is he so much
happier than me?

Were you talking to
that cute girlfriend of yours?

Wait. You know what?

That's none of my business.

Oh.

Sylvia, Roberta,
your house is so lovely.

It's just beautiful,

and everything is so fancy.

Well, thank you.

I can't take much
credit for it, though.

You know Victor.

He loved to spoil us.

Oh, look,

the lake house.

I think that's the
summer we nursed

a heron back to health.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Here's one of the tool shed.

One time we killed
a wasp nest inside it.

Look at this one.

You girls are dressed
like hoboes.

Oh, was that
a fun costume party?

Yeah. Really fun. And long.

Here's another one of Dad
doing his pretend angry face.

And you doing
a pretend sad face.

I don't think
you guys are serious

in one of these photos.

That's us--
just a couple of kidders.

You know, I can't get over
how happy and friendly Dad looks

in picture after picture
after picture.

Well, you know,

Victor wasn't perfect.

Sometimes
he'd come home

a little grumpy.

But I'd sit him down,
we'd talk it out,

and before
you knew it,

he'd be laughing and joking

and giving the girls
hugs and kisses.

You know, I think I need
a little fresh air.

Boy, this is weird.

I keep thinking about why...

things turn out the way they do.

It's amazing how different
your life could be

if you just...
changed one person.

Tell me about it.

You know what
else is strange?

What?

Have you heard a bird

or a cricket or anything
in the last two minutes?

No. Everything's gone
as quiet as a graveyard.

(both gasping)

Judas!

Mother, what are
you doing here?!

"Oh, Mommy, I'd love you to come
to my baby's party."

Do you think
I was born yesterday?

I could spot lies

coming out of your mouth
since before it had teeth in it.

(sotto voce):
Lock the door.

Ha!

Oh, my God, Mother,
she's inside!

Lock yourself in the den.

I'll call the police.

(doors closing and locking)

So, Lois... are
you enjoying your...

collaboration?

Looks like you sold your soul
cheap enough.

Coconut cake-- from the woman
who stole your father's fluids

and made bastards with them!

Mother, what the hell
are you doing?!

Get out of here!
The police are coming!

Why? I don't even get to look
at what was stolen from me?

Where do you think
she got this money?

This couch was my trip to Paris!

Look at this place.
While we lived like dogs,

they were playing
on grand pianos and
eating with napkins!

Why do you
think you girls

were so short and ugly?

Victor fed you on beans
so he could give

his other daughter
ballet lessons.

Ida, I think you
should know

that besides the
restraining order,

I have a knitting needle.

All right, it's a crochet hook.

Listen to me, tough guy.

I know about Victor's
other pension!

Victor worked

for Paragon Brush
from 1960 to 1964.

Manitoba family law

says as common-law wife,

I am entitled to that pension!

I really don't know
what you're talking about.

The truth will burst
out of the grave

and strangle you
and your whole family!

(sotto voce):
Mother, we will
discuss this later.

If you do not turn
and leave,

so help me,

I will tear that wig
off of your head,

(louder):
and everyone will see
your tick scars!

It's not over.

Canada is the greatest nation
on the face of the earth!

Hey, Grandma.

I can't believe
I've never been hunting before.

Nature
is so complex

and beautiful...
and bad at hiding.

Never again.

He was...

It was...

The horrible laughter.

Thanks, man.

I'm not going
to need this anymore.

Next time I want to make
a little eye contact.

All right, the
race is in two days.

Let's get out
there and practice.

Where do we keep
the sports bottles?

Do we really need props
for this charade?

Hey, when did your mom
get a fire extinguisher?

Uh, Dad,
you probably don't want to...

Why would she hide this from me?

Yeah, Mom.

He found it.

The doctor says
two weeks.

Bye.

I have to admit
you almost had me fooled.

I really thought you were going
to come through this time.

Dewey, it was an accident.

Believe me, if I wanted
to blind myself,

there are 100 easier ways
I could have done it.

Knowing that
I let you down

hurts much more
than burnt corneas.

And they hurt a lot.

I hate breaking a promise
to you, Dewey,

I really do.

That's the truth.

I remember once
when my dad told me

he was going to take me
to an air show.

Jerome's amazing.

He was born with
the same brain as me,

but he used it
to become friends

with the kind
of popular,

well-adjusted people
who hate me.

You're right.

Nobody cares about
student council.

But I say what's bad
about getting together,

planting a few trees

and making the school

a little more pleasant
for everyone?

Wow. Jerome took
something seriously

and didn't
get laughed at.

That's like the triple Lutz
of high school socializing.

I'm glad it's
him, not me!

(laughing)

Why couldn't that be me?

Hey, don't forget
about tomorrow night--
karaoke party.

You do karaoke?

Yeah, you should come.

Uh, karaoke's not my thing.

I mean, you
can probably sing.

No, I can't.
I'm terrible.

Then why do you do it?

Aren't you afraid you'll
look like a total idiot?

Hey, if you're afraid
of looking stupid,

you'll never have any fun.

He's forgetting about fun
at someone else's expense.

God, he's so much better
than me.

We froze
Victor's pension

because of the dispute
with the other family.

But you're absolutely right,

Manitoba law states

that a common-law wife

is entitled
to her husband's pension.

And even if the other family
isn't willing to sign a release,

you would probably prevail
in court.

Of course, you'd have to prove
you're a common-law wife

with DNA tests of children,

lease in both your names,
phone bills, that sort of thing.

But I think you'd win.

Finally, a Canadian
who isn't an idiot.

The problem is, the pension's
only $43.50 a month.

Canadian.

And what with hiring a lawyer,

court costs, other expenses...

it would all cost so much,
I don't see you breaking even

for 20 or 30 years.

Do you think
you'll live that long?

God, no!

I mean... no.

I'm really sorry.

Look, just so today
isn't a total loss,

I'm going to fix you up
with a coupon

for ten percent off
our Elite Wonder Bristle.

It's the brush I use.

Okay, Mom,
you tried.

Let's go.

No.

We're going to do this.

What?

Were you listening?

He said you're
going to lose money

going after this thing.

I don't care.

We're gonna get a lawyer.

Do you really hate
these people so much

that you're willing
to ruin yourself

just to get
even with them?

It's stupid.

He was my husband.

(door opening)

Okay, here's your coupon.

If there's anything else
you need,

feel free to give us a call.

Just think of us
as Victor's second family.

(doorbell ringing)

Hello, Lois, dear.

My mom's not here.

Look, Sylvia, it turns out

there is a pension--
a tiny one.

$40 a month.

Is that all?

Yes, and my mom's all
worked up about it,

and she's willing
to waste all her money

on a court fight to get it.

Oh, dear.

So, I was wondering
if you'd be nice enough

to just sign a release
so she could have it.

Oh, I don't see that
ever happening.

Good-bye, dear.
But you people got everything.

For my mom, this is
all she's got. I...

She's just looking
for some way

to feel connected
to her husband.

You mean my husband.

This conversation is not over!

(turns up music)

This conversation...

Oh, you think
that's gonna stop me?!

You don't know
who you're dealing with!

Oh, yeah, that's right.
That's right. Try and hide!

You can't hide from me!

Aha! A canceled check

for Dad's cyst removal
with your signature on it!

Beautiful!

Let them try and say
that's not a marriage!

And look!

The pig Victor got for my dowry!

It might take a year or two,

but we are gonna
get that 40 bucks

out of their
eye sockets!

(laughing)

You know, Mom,
if this thing does go to trial,

it might help us

if you worked a little bit
on your demeanor.

You know,

when you deal with other people,

you could be pleasant
and say, "How are you?"

And that way
people will think

that you care
about their feelings,

and then
they might care about yours.

What the hell
are you talking about?

I'm just trying to help you.

I know you are, Vuschka.

I'm sorry.

It's just a lot
for me to remember.

You can show me

more tricks tomorrow.

It's kind of funny, huh, Mom?

After all these years,

you and I are actually
helping each other.

(knock at door)

Well, you live
as long as I have,

you get used to anything.

What's that?

It's the results
of the blood test

that lawyer wanted me to take.

This says paternity
is genetically impossible.

This says
that Dad is not my father!

I was 80% sure you were his.

What?!

The very second
Victor walked in the house,

I dragged him to the bedroom.

I guess his soldiers
got outflanked.

What?!

Mother, how could you do
something like that?!

I was lonely.

Your father had a lot

of business trips.

Now we know
what his business was.

Then who is my father?

Oh, what do you want
to get into that for?

Radu Gogorsky.

The only interesting thing
about him was

he could walk up a flight
of stairs on his hands.

What about Susan?

Is she Dad's daughter?

Anything's possible.

How could you
lie like this?

Sweetie, don't be upset.

We can change this "A" to a "B."

The judge will completely
buy it.

Mother!

I'm taking Jamie.

I'm getting
out of here.

(door slams shut)

Dad, I don't want to.

It's demeaning.

What's demeaning about it?

Dad, your right shoe's untied.

See, Dewey? Teamwork!

(chuckles)

ANNOUNCER:
Runners, take your marks!

Set!

(gunshot)

*

(singing)

You're next.

Jerome, thank you.

I thought I was
genetically doomed

to be unhappy.

But you're my blood,
and you can be happy,

so that means

I can, too.

Hi.

Hello, Lois.

Can I pick him up?

(whispers):
I talked to
Mom about it.

She's being stubborn and
completely unreasonable.

Aren't you
a cutie pie?

You are!

I don't want us to have
another argument, Lois.

Oh, we don't have to.

I have some news.

We did a blood test.

I'm not Victor's daughter.

It turns out

I'm not related
to you people at all.

But we're so alike!

I know. It's amazing, isn't it?

You know
what's even more amazing?

It doesn't change anything.

Because no matter what,

I know
that I am Victor's daughter.

That horrible, deceitful,

bitter man was my father.

He was my father when I was two,

and he locked me in the closet.

He was my father
when I was eight,

and he got me drunk.

He was my father
on my wedding day

when he told Hal
he could do better.

(sighs)

He was my dad.

You've got a funny little brain,
young lady,

but if it makes you feel better,
I'm happy.

Well, you know, the same way
I know that he was my father,

I know that Ida was his wife.

Not technically,
not legally,

but I know it.

And you know it, too.

And that's why

you hate her so much.

I don't hate, dear.

I'm Canadian.

Well, it's why
you're angry then.

But the problem is,
you're angry

at the wrong person.

It's not Ida.

It's Victor, your husband,
who betrayed you both,

who manipulated you both.

Who made you both feel

like you weren't worth
being the only one.

You hate him,

and you know what?

He deserves it.

Funny thing is, I came up here

because I thought Roberta
and I were the same,

but it's you

and my mother

who are really alike.

I'll sign whatever you want.

Just don't ever say that again.

*

Come on, Malcolm.
We're going.

I'm going to stay here
with my cousins.

They're not your cousins.

It turns out we're not even

related to them. Now come on.

(microphone feedback)

Look, you're going
to hear a lot of stories,

none of which are true,
about some weird stuff

happening in the woods.

There could be some
grainy photos,

but my point is,
we should get over the border

as quickly as possible.

Let's go!

Dewey, please.

Can't go on much longer!

Oh. Ha!

(laughing):
I did it!

I did it!

I did it! I did it! I did it!