Original subtitles

(toy engine whining)

"How angry would you be

if someone broke your antique music box?"

(groans): What do you mean? Does it play at all?

Great.

What, were you roughhousing in my bedroom?

And I don't suppose you're even gonna come out here

and face your punishment?

Hal, is that you?

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

MALCOLM: Stevie, come on.

Jonas Salk would've solved this days ago.

(labored breathing): He wasn't... working with...

an idiot.

You're calling me an idiot?

You want to make

a type-two-restriction enzyme in yeast

without using any bacteria,

and I'm the idiot?

Yes...

and yes.

We have to... try something.

What do you think I've been doing for the last two weeks?

When am I getting my room back?

I can't work on my sexy-face out there in front of Mom.

What are you guys doing in here anyway?

Trying to create a new kind of restriction enzyme.

What does it look like?

You're messing up my room for that?

This is important.

Restriction enzymes are used

for chromosome mapping,

DNA testing, gene splicing.

It's for a big national competition.

If we win this,

our paper will be published in a scientific journal.

We'll probably be able to write our ticket

to any college in the country.

Then everyone... will pay.

Only our incubator keeps breaking down.

Plus, we're running low on agar, we're completely out of blood,

our yeast keeps getting contaminated...

Maybe I can help.

That's okay, Reese.

If we need a head caught in a wastepaper basket,

we'll give you a call.

Why do you do that?

I offered to help you, and you turn it around

and make it about me being stupid.

Seriously.

I might have something to contribute.

Why don't you just give me a chance?

That's two pints. We'd better not take any more.

This is so exciting.

I feel like I'm going to faint!

Four dollars, right?

Thanks. Say hi to Dewey for me.

Who was that?

Oh, some kid from Dewey's class selling chocolate.

Enjoy your strained beets,

little man.

Is it that time of year again?

Mom, please don't make me.

Aha! I wondered what you were doing

with a book bag.

I don't want to go door-to-door selling stupid candy.

Dewey, your father and I have missed everything at school this year--

the paper drive, the car wash, the bake sale.

We need you to pick up the slack.

You are doing this.

Dad, do I have to?

DEWEY: Dad?

Of course you're doing it.

It'll be great

for your character to sell--

oh, what's a good number--

275 bars.

Looks like there's about another half hour

of sunlight left-- what are you waiting for?

Fine, I'll do it!

But I just want you to know,

if some crazy couple steals me and then raises me as a girl,

it's on your head.

No, it's not.

(groans)

Hello?

Hey, Dewey. What's going on?

You won't believe what Mom's putting me through.

What is it this time?

They're doing a candy bar drive at school,

and we've all been given a ton of candy bars to sell.

Oh, I used to hate that.

And you know what Mom did? What?

She forbid me to sell them.

She said I'd never be able

to sell a single one.

Oh, she did?

That is horrible!

I'll buy a dozen right now, Dewey.

She even compared me selling candy to you getting married.

You know what? Make it two dozen.

But don't tell Mom-- she'll think I did it

just to make her mad.

Tell her someone else bought them.

Wouldn't that be a lie?

It doesn't matter.

It's justified-- she's the reason

that no one in this family has any confidence.

I'm hanging up right now so I can write you a check.

Hey, Fred, where are you going with that piglet?

Well, can't keep him in the pen. The sow rejected him.

So you're gonna take him home?

Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh, no!

Do you have to?

Well, listen, he's half the size

of the rest of the litter.

The other piglets won't let him feed.

It's the humane thing to do.

Fred, you can't do this. Look at his face.

He knows you're gonna take him out and kill him.

Well, he does now.

Ralph! What?

You can't kill him if he has a name.

It's Ralph. Little Ralph the piglet.

Aw, geez.

That's my kid's name. Here.

(grunting softly) (sighs)

(timer ticking)

(bell dings)

Did it separate?

Hell, no.

So we still don't have an enzyme.

What is our problem?

We've tried...

every variable...

of heat... and pressure?

Yes, yes, yes.

We've tried acids, we've tried bases.

How much blood do we have left?

Plenty.

I snuck...

another pint... when he was sleeping.

Stevie! He wants... to help.

I know, but I took care of that.

He kept bugging me, so I gave him some food coloring

and told him they were chemicals.

Guys, guys! I've made a discovery!

When you mix blue and yellow, you get an entirely new color!

I'm gonna name it...

"blellow."

Hey, look at this.

Dewey has already sold 52 candy bars.

He still has a long way to go, Lois.

Let's keep our feet on the ground.

For now.

Kitty, come down.

Fear not!

(meows)

(meows)

Have your pets spayed or neutered.

It's nice Dewey's working so hard for the school.

If he keeps this up, we'll be able to blow off the Safety Fair.

(doorbell rings)

Hello, sir.

Sorry. I don't eat candy.

Oh, these aren't candy bars.

These are America Bars.

What are you talking about?

You know, America Bars.

Well, actually, I prefer the term "Freedom Bars."

You love America, right?

Well, of course I do.

Well, there are a lot of people out there

who are hoping we won't do our part.

What do you mean?

You know. People. People who don't have

this country's best interests at heart.

So, these candy bars help fight terrorism?

With every chocolatey, nougaty bite.

How much are they?

$9.50.

I'll take two.

Thank you.

No, young man. Thank you.

(seething breaths)

Separate!

Hello...

trade school.

I wish Reggie would kill Archie

and take over this comic.

Malcolm, I need you to watch Jamie for a while.

Mom, we're at a very critical point in our experiment.

I'm sorry. Are you new?

Stevie, explain to your friend how things work around here.

(happy gurgling)

Anything?

No change.

Bounce him higher.

Well, none of these worked.

Maybe we should...

Oh, my God!

(labored breathing): It... separated!

Yeah! We did it!

We made an enzyme!

Unbelievable!

What'd you do to it?

I didn't... do anything.

What? Well, neither did I.

(gasps)

Blellow!

Hey, guys.

How did... you do it?

I didn't do anything.

Look, we're not mad at you.

We just need to know what you did.

Why are you always blaming me?

Reese, you did a good thing.

You somehow got this thing to separate.

You must have added something.

What was it?

Oh.

I just... I don't know if I can even remember.

I mean, I wasn't paying that much attention,

and there was all this other stuff going on.

And I'm not sure why I'd tell you...

if you're not going to give me credit!

What?

This is a big contest.

Big enough for the three of us.

So, either we split the credit three ways,

or I'm not talking.

You are picking

the wrong guys to mess with, Reese.

Yeah.

Let's tattle.

...and he won't tell us what he did

unless we give him credit for it.

It's so unfair.

All he did was just read comic books

and we've been working on it for weeks.

What is it you want me to do, Malcolm?

Force him to tell us.

Wait a minute.

It seems to me if Reese fixed your experiment,

he should get some credit.

What? No.

He doesn't even know why it works.

I've been working for 20 years without knowing why.

Give Reese the credit.

(pig squeals)

Calm down, Ralph, it's okay.

You're all right.

What happened?

The other piglets were mean to him.

Francis, you said last week

you'd put that thing back in its pen.

I tried, but he's just so good-natured and sweet,

the others won't let him feed.

I am not putting him back in there

until I teach him to be more assertive.

But we're spending every second of the day taking care of him.

Hey, no one ever said raising a pig would be easy.

No one ever said we'd be raising a pig.

Listen, Francis...

either you return Ralph to his pen tonight,

or he's gonna be looking up at you from an omelet.

Come on, Ralph.

(grunts)

It's gut-check time.

Your brothers don't think you can keep up with them.

Is that what you think?

Come on, I know you can do it.

You just gotta get tough.

Come on, show me your mean face.

(sighs)

(low humming)

(bell dings)

(sighs)

Hmm. What's that?

(sniffs deeply)

Ah. The stink of failure.

Okay, Reese. We give up.

Just tell us what you did and we'll give you credit.

Okay, just sign this.

"Reese is a full partner in this experiment

"and is entitled to a full share of the credit

"because without his help,

this would have been impossible."

Outwitted...

by a dumb ass.

Everything seems to be in order.

All right, Reese, tell us what you did.

Okay.

I have no idea.

I don't remember doing anything special to it.

What?! But now when you

make fun of me and tell people I'm stupid,

I have actual evidence in your own handwriting

that says I'm just as smart as you are.

Hah! Finally, there is justice in...

This baby's mother is 13 years old.

Every candy bar you buy

goes towards buying unwed mothers like her

schoolbooks and hot lunches.

I'll get my purse.

(Reese groans)

I'm telling you I don't remember!

Okay, let him up.

(click) (Reese screams)

Reese...

this is important.

It's for medicine.

This enzyme could help save somebody's life one day.

Just please try to think about what you did.

Um...

I can't. I'm sorry.

I don't know.

I was just hanging out in the room like I always do.

Re... create it.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Just do everything you did

when you were in the room by yourself.

Just close your eyes and pretend.

See everything you did in your mind's eye

and then just do what you see.

Stevie and I aren't even here.

You're alone in the room just like before.

Okay, let's see...

First thing was...

you guys left.

And then I went to the test tubes...

...to see what an enzyme tasted like.

(cork pops)

But then it was boring already.

And then... I saw something shiny...

...and I put it in my "shiny" box.

And then...

Right.

And then I got one of Malcolm's shirts...

and then I...

Oh, my God.

Then I played with Dewey's Game Boy.

And your teacher called to say

you sold more chocolate bars than anyone else.

She said all your classmates hate you.

I'm so proud, Dewey.

Well, you know, it's a good product.

They really sell themselves.

I can't believe it.

Dewey sold over 1,500 candy bars.

1,500...

Page 12.

(engine revving, tires squealing)

They'll eat your dad's dust.

(doorbell rings)

Hi.

Is this where the boy lives who's selling Eco-Bars?

Sorry, we're all out. Come back later.

Well, there you are. We wanted to buy some more

of those candy bars that heal the forests.

You should be so proud of your boy.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Of course you do.

You said every bar plants a seedling

in fire-ravaged Yellowstone.

Ooh, and I love the little bonus

of 10% going to pro-life causes.

Wait a minute.

He told me 10% went to pro-choice causes.

I didn't know you felt that way.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Excuse me, ladies,

I have to tell someone how I feel.

You are in

so much trouble.

I hope you'll think about what you did

every time you see me driving by in your prize.

He's not getting any prize.

You've been lying

to everyone to get them to buy candy?

What did we tell you about lying?

Lying is the worst thing you can do.

It destroys character, Dewey.

It destroys the trust people have in each other.

Do you understand?

Yes.

What do you have to say for yourself?

Francis told me to do it.

I should have known.

Did you tell your brother to lie about those candy bars?

You bet I did.

And I'm sick of you

standing on the sidelines

sabotaging everything we try to do.

Have you lost your mind, Francis?

What kind of advice is that to give to your brother?

This is all your fault.

I'm just trying

to help the kid

instead of tearing him down all the time.

And I'm sick of you thinking

that everything we do is stupid.

Okay, Ralph, remember your visualization.

You're mean, you're tough.

You're the biggest pig in the pen

and you're not afraid of anyone.

Get in there, kick some ass

and nurse like you have never nursed before.

Hey, that's it, Ralph.

Get in there. Good for you.

Good. (squealing)

Okay, stop, Ralph.

Ralph, no biting.

Oh, not the mother, too!

(squealing) (screams)

That's gross. (grunting, running hoofbeats)

No, Ralph, not the...

chicken coop. (chickens clucking)

If I were you, I'd hurry up and start naming the cattle.

(cow mooing)

...and then my ears

were finally clean.

Then I was going to update

my enemies list,

but I remembered I had math homework.

Didn't get it.

Didn't get it. Didn't get it.

Didn't get it.

Stupid. Stupid.

Stupid. Stupid.

Stupid.

I hate you, I hate you.

Then I worked on my triceps.

Hey, no one likes math.

Sorry.

That's okay.

So, what'd you do next?

Nothing.

I started playing with the ball.

Well, I guess we won't...

Throw it... again.

What?

Reese, keep throwing it.

Look.

It separated.

It separated!

There must be asbestos in the ceiling.

Of course.

What are you talking about? Reese, you did it.

Asbestos is a highly mutagenic material.

It can change the way cells reproduce-- these cells.

And it's been here the whole time.

We have asbestos in our ceiling.

ALL: We have asbestos in our ceiling.

We have asbestos in our ceiling.

Yay.

What?

LOIS: Scrabbled eggs, coming up.

So we're living out here

till they get the asbestos cleaned out.

Oh, and we won the contest.

Turns out the company sponsoring it

keeps all the patent rights.

They're using our work to make a new cholesterol drug

that'll earn billions.

And you know what we got?

A pencil case.

It has a compass in it.

Mom, Dad, anybody need a pencil?

No, Reese. We still don't need a pencil.

Well, if you do, you know where to find it.

Okay, Francis, how much longer are we

going to have to share the bed with Ralph?

It's getting ridiculous.

He puts up a brave front,

but I don't think he really feels that confident.

He'll let us know when he's ready.