All language subtitles for Malcolm.In.The.Middle.S05E17.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

No more junk food.

From now on we are going to be
a family that eats healthy.

Brownie? Mmm.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

I have my first
college visit coming up.

I get to stay overnight
in a dorm, tour the campus

and spend 18 hours pretending
my family doesn't exist.

I actually skipped all the way
to school today.

I probably should've stopped

once I passed the football
field, but who cares?

My body may have been stuffed
in a trash can,

but my mind was taking a shower
with a college chick.

REESE: Come on,
there's tons of reasons

to go out with
a guy like me.

To make your dad mad,
or your boyfriend jealous.

Maybe you just hate yourself,
or have a sick curiosity.

I don't know!
I can't do all the work for you!

I thought I at least I had
a chance with the fat ride.

Did you actually
call her that?

Hey, I didn't make her fat.

Who is that?

That's Christie.
She's the new narc.

We have a new narc?

What happened
to Druggie Dougie?

He got served divorce papers
in history class.

Aw, come on, she's so cute.

She's a narc?

Hey, papers?
Anyone got papers?

Hey, papers?
Anybody got papers?

Do you even know anyone
who does drugs?

Why are you asking me?
I don't have any friends.

But sometimes,
I do have brilliant ideas.

Where are you going?

Malcolm, I live in a world
of what the hells.

Ooh...

Oh, man, I am so...

Never mind.

MALCOLM:
You can't do this to me!

Dad's supposed to take me,
not you!

Malcolm, this is your first
visit to a university.

Your father and I talked it
over and we both agreed.

This is a big deal, we
don't want to blow it.

If I come along,
I can make sure

that you don't say or do
anything that you shouldn't.

I can take a little
of the pressure off you.

Wait a second.

You guys are talking about
college for Malcolm and not me?

I'm a year older than he is.

Why aren't you taking me

to look at colleges?

Well, son...

I'm just screwing with you.
Relax.

[sighs of relief]

Dewey, dinner.

I guess he'll eat it cold again.

[piano playing
Offenbach's "The Can-Can"]

What the hell

are you doing back here?!

The pianos are for
paying customers only!

You're wearing out the keys!

Hey!

I'm not going
to buy you a piano.

You've never even had lessons.

I don't need lessons.

I already know how to play.

I'm great. Look.

[humming]

That's very cute, Dewey,
but we can't afford a piano.

Do you know how close my company
is to going out of business?

They're selling our
office furniture

and forcing us
to have desk buddies.

Dad, you don't know me
very well,

but you couldn't have missed
the fact

that I'm having
a horrible childhood.

Now there's a chance

for you to make it suck
a little less.

I said no.
End of discussion.

Now you're just going
to have to find

some other way
to amuse yourself.

OTTO:
I don't understand it.

I told all of the guests

about my Hayride for Lovers
on Friday night,

and no one signed up.

Well, most of the guests
have children.

They can't just abandon them

to go on
a couples-only hayride.

We're only allowing couples.

Ah, well, then there--
there is the solution.

We will start
a child-care center.

Ooh, Otto, I don't think...

It will be wonderful.

We will have posture contests,

and I can show them slides

of my childhood
in postwar Germany.

They will love it.

Otto, as great as that idea is,
I wouldn't set my heart on it.

These people came here to spend
time withtheir families.

They're not just going to dump
their children

the first chance they get.

Can we leave them overnight?

...and the delivery's
on time? Good.

I've got a lot of
hungry customers.

Oh, hey, Christie,
I didn't see you.

Are you ready?
I think you're going to be

pleasantly surprised
by how much ice cream I can eat.

Look, Reese, um,
you know, we got coffee,

and we saw a movie,
and we went skating.

I thought hanging out with you
would involve a little more...

partying.

Don't you have like
a friend

or maybe
someone you know of

or someone you heard rumors
about that could help us out?

Hey, I got to trust somebody
before I party with them.

You trust me, don't you?

Not yet, but there must be

some way a hot girl like you

can get a desperate guy
like me to trust you.

Hey, why don't we go
park by the river

and see if we can
think of something.

LOIS:
I hope you weren't hunched over
like that during your interview.

Why didn't you tell him about
your extracurricular activities?

How do you even know
what I said?

Did you have your ear pressed up
against the door?

You should be a little less
concerned about what I did

and a little bit more concerned
about your own performance.

And next time say "bless you"
when he sneezes.

These people are looking for
any excuse not to like you.

All right, 230.

You walked me to my dorm room,
you chose my lunch,

you tucked in my shirt in
the middle of orientation.

Now will you
please just leave?

Why are you in such a hurry
to get rid of me?

Because I'm supposed to be doing
this stuff on my own.

I'm just here to make sure you
do it on your own the right way.

Hi. Are you Malcolm?
Yeah.

I'm Paula. And this
is Andrea and Scott.

I guess we're all going
to be roommates tonight.

Cool. Well,
I'll put my bags, uh...

Excuse me. You mean
you boys and you girls

are staying
in the same room?

Yeah. It'll be just like
really being in college.

There. Now we'll all have

the same version
of what happened here.

That's exactly
what I would have done, Lois.

Yep. Camped out in the room.

You didn't happen to take
the oven timer, did you?

I can't understand this...

All week stuff has been
disappearing

right from under my nose.

It's like I put something down,
and then it's just gone.

No, it's not even anything
worth stealing.

It's as if someone is trying
to make me crazy on purpose.

You're probably right.

I love you, too. Bye.

What the...?

Can I please have
some more lemonade?

What a wonderfully polite
little boy.

Please, take a sewing kit

unda small moisturizer.

Otto, none of the parents
showed up for the hayride.

Their kids are here.

It's so weird.

Nobody's answering their phones,

so I went by all their rooms.

They all have
Do Not Disturb...

Oh.

I guess I better go get
a pep talk ready

for housekeeping
in the morning.

[music playing,
talking low, indistinctly]

Mom, what are you doing
with my underwear?!

You had it all crammed
up there in the corner.

Wrinkled clothes
are the sign of a
disorganized mind.

So then I took a guided tour

of the Plaza de Espana
in Barthelona.

I'm not mispronouncing it.

That's the way they say it.
Barthelona.

That is so interesting.

I wish I was
more interesting.

Do you think it would be
pretentious to use

the word "legerdemain" into a
conversation with the dean?

What am I saying?

Of course it's pretentious.
I'm such a lackwit.

Relax. If you can't be
pretentious in college,

where can you be pretentious?

Really? So when
I get to college

it'd be okay if I
called myself Antigone?

Of course.

[knocking]

All right, kid, here's the deal,
my name is Leland.

More importantly,
I'm the RA,

which stands for
Resident Advisor,

which means I'm in charge
of this floor.

So you're going to have
to keep the music down.

Is it really that loud?

Listen, guy,

I can either be your best friend
or your worst nightmare.

Now turn the radio down.

Is there a problem here?

Who are you?

I'm his mother.
I'm supervising these kids

in this coed room

which I cannot believe
your school condones.

You know, ma'am,
that's not what I'm here about.

That radio is at least five dBs
above the approved noise level.

I'd hate to have
to confiscate it

or move on to more
serious consequences.

You know what, Leland?

I've been to college.

I know exactly
how much power

and authority an RA has.

Good night.

Wow.

Malcolm, your mom
is awesome.

I am so glad
you brought her.

This horn's from Dad's van,

and this one's
from Mom's car

and this one's
from the ice cream truck.

Dewey. What are you doing?

The spout fell down.

I'm fixing it.

Good boy.

Listen, I talked
with Mrs. Hittelman down
the block and she said

that if you want,
you can use herpiano.

Thanks anyway, Dad, but I found
something else to amuse myself.

Oh. Well, good.

Hey, have you
seen my hair dryer?

I swear, it's like stuff is just
getting up and walking off.

Either that
or someone's

messing with me.

Dad, I think I figured out
what's going on.

Somebody's sneaking
into the house

and stealing stuff.

Probably punks.

No, not punks, son.

Just good kids
who got lost along the way.

Either way, they're going down.

LOIS:
And then the priest said,
"Those aren't my galoshes."

[girls laughing]

Mom is actually
letting me walk all the way

to the vending machine and back

without tying
a string to my waist.

Ha.

This moment is almost as sweet

as the candy you can't have.

Wow. Denied candy.

If I were 12
years younger,

I guess I'd cry.

LOIS:
What's going on out here?

Oh, God, no.

The snack bar is closed.

You're denying
my son candy?.

Mom, it doesn't matter.

I'll just go down
to the next floor.

Use of the vending machine
is a privilege, not a right.

If my son wants
a candy bar,

he can have a candy bar.

You don't get to decide for him.

I get to decide.

Do I even need
to be here for this?

Since I'm the one
with the key to the lock,

I think I'min charge.

Come on.

This isn't over yet.

Mom, why don't you

just put me
in a diaper?

One thing at
a time, Malcolm.

First, we're going to
get you that candy.

CHRISTIE:
...and my parents

they just drive me crazy.

I just need to ditch reality
and escape sometimes.

You know what I mean?

Look, Christie,
here's the thing.

When I first met you,
I was just messing around,

but we've gotten
so close that now...

I really like you.

I can't keep this up anymore.

What do you mean?

I'm not the person
you think I am.

I've been pretending
since the day I met you.

It's so hard having
to constantly cover my tracks

to keep my story straight,

and I don't want to anymore.

I'm tired of living this lie.

Reese, I think I
know your secret.

No, actually, you don't,
but it doesn't matter

'cause I'm done with it.

I'm sorry.

[sighs]
Did you get all that?

Yeah, it looks like
he's going straight.

So if we're going to bust
this kid, we better do it now.

All Malcolm wanted
was a candy bar,

but Leland put a lock
on the vending machine.

We can't let him get
away with this.

I want to go on record:
I hated him first.

This would never
happen in Barthelona.

Why are Americans
so immature?

Why don't you just write
an angry note

or-or a missive
after I get accepted?

Look, Scott, you'll face
jerks and tyrants

like Leland all your life.

The sooner you learn how
to deal with them, the better.

And no one's chances
of getting into this school

are going to be affected.

He is going to
hand over that key.

How?I don't know yet,

but there are plenty of ways

to force people
to do what you want.

You can find something
incriminating in their room.

You can get dirt
from a bitter ex,

or you can make
a blanket accusation

with absolute
conviction

and just wait for them
to blurt out something.

Wait.

You use that trick
on me all the time.

No, sweetie, that's
a different thing entirely.

We've gotta get
Malcolm some candy.

[excited chattering]

Well, I guess I'll be cool
and popular aftercollege.

HAL:
Dewey?

Dad! In here!

Quick!
What is it?.

I just saw someone
sneak out with Mom's robe.

Good eye, son.

HAL:
Halt!

Halt, you damn punks!

[children screaming happily]

[doorknob rattles]

OTTO:
Everything is fine.

Nothing in here

but children enjoying
themselves dancing

and skipping like
young lambs.

Come again soon.

Otto, it's Francis.

I have the DVDs. Let me in.

[children screaming happily]

We have a
slight problem.

You know how I
wanted everything

to be special
for the children.

So I went to the store
and I got those cookies

and then I saw this
old-fashioned hard lemonade,

I bought three cases.

Hard lemonade?
That has alcohol in it.

Yes, Francis, I said
there was a problem.

[children shouting happily]

Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea?

I do. I do.

Don't tell me to
use myindoor voice.

Why don't you use
yourindoor voice?.

I'm not just
saying it, man.

We should totally
have a play date.

Oh, my God.

These parents trusted me
with their little ones

undI've poisoned them.

What kind of a monster am I?

Otto, you made an
honest mistake,

but everything's
gonna be okay.

As long as the kids are
in here, they're safe.

Oh!

Well,

it's a little early for
Christmas carols, isn't it?

Leland, I think we got off
on the wrong foot earlier.

Obviously, this job
is very important to you.

Who knows where you
could find another

that commands respect and power.

You know, it would
be such a shame

if somehow you got fired
and had to go back home

where your older
brother and sister

get all the attention
that youdeserve.

Do you really want to risk that
for a 75-cent candy bar?

You really have me pegged--

Except for what you're
forgetting is--

the lower the stakes,
the greater the thrill

from the arbitrary
exercise of power.

If this were a one-cent candy
bar, I'd be on the moon.

I happen to be
a control freak.

If you get me fired,
I'll just

find some other job
where I can be a control freak.

Kinko's is looking
for a night manager.

Either way,
I've already written

negative-evaluation
e-mails of these kids

to the Office
of Admissions.

All I have to do
is hit "Send."

She overloaded
a wall socket, too!

We're just like
the bulls in Pamplona.

Now, you.

Any freshman Psych major
can see it's obvious

life didn't pan out the way
you thought it would,

so now to make up for it,
you have to run your kid's life.

I don't know who
to root for.

The simple truth is,

you're just
too afraid to let go

of the one thing in your life
that maybe a success.

But, hey, you don't have
to take my word for it.

Why don't we just ask
the other mothers here

and see what theythink?

Oh, that's right.

There areno other mothers here.

You just cost this floor
their electricity privileges.

Mom?

I can't do this.

What?

I wanted to help you,
to take care

of things for you,
but you know what?

I'm just not up to it.

I think you should
do this on your own.

What?

It's time for me
to step aside

and let you handle things.

Malcolm, I know
you can do this.

Unless I missed the sarcasm,
I think she meant that.

I've actually been given
permission to run my own life.

Well, at least
get my own candy bar.

But you know what?

I want that candy bar more
than I want my next breath.

I have a plan.

[yelling]

Malcolm, what
are you doing?

My plan.

Well, get your foot
out of the door.

It's stuck.

By the way, our Madrigal group
is having a sing-off

against Jazzmatazz tomorrow.

You should check it out
before you leave.

[grunts]

All right, Jamie,

this'll put a stop
to all the stealing.

And your father is
a reasonable man,

but sometimes
even he can be pushed too far.

You don't poke the bear.

Police! Nobody move!

We have a warrant

to search these premises

on suspicion of
possession of narcotics.

Nice.

Narcotics?
What are you... [shrieks]

Sir, we need you
to just remain calm,

and we'll get through this
as quickly as possible.

Weren't you Annie Oakley
in the school play?

Yeah, but I wasn't very good.

[Offenbach's
"The Can-Can" plays]

My stuff!

♪

[song ends]

Oh, my God.

All this time, you were just
using me to get to my dad?

And all this time
you were selling drugs,

and you never even
bought us a DVD player?

Get him out of here.

[burps]

Hey, doctor man,

it must be great
saving people all day.

What do I do?

Play kickball.

They're going to have

some spectacular headaches,

but, uh,
otherwise they'll be fine.

That is good news.

Thank you
for coming out here, Doctor.

I don't say anything about this,
you don't say anything

about the keys
I left in your gallbladder.

Deal.

So what are we going to do
about the parents?

[laughing]

Come on, honey, it's time
to go back to the room

with your wonderful,
wonderful father.

Thank you so much.

You saved our marriage.

I almost forgot
she was a woman.

Let's go, son.

Whoa, Dad.

You want to turn
the volume down?

It's not a total loss.

When they took the door
off the hinges,

they discovered
Leland had a hot plate.

We all got to watch
while they made him unplug it

and put it in the closet.

Don't you worry
about it, honey.

Just be glad
this was our safety school.

When we go to Yale,
I promise I'll be

much more on top of things.