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1
00:00:02,670 --> 00:00:04,672
What are you doing?
Playing with ants.
2
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:07,175
Looking for a little picnic,
huh?
3
00:00:07,208 --> 00:00:09,410
Looks like you've come
to the wrong place.
4
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:10,678
There's one on your hand.
5
00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,147
Ha, ha...
6
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,316
He's got a little
surprise coming.
7
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:17,518
Stupid ant.
8
00:00:17,551 --> 00:00:21,021
* Yes, no, maybe
9
00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:23,657
* I don't know
10
00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:26,860
* Can you repeat the question?
11
00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:29,097
* You're not the boss
of me now *
12
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,532
* You're not
the boss of me now *
13
00:00:31,565 --> 00:00:34,001
* You're not the boss
of me now *
14
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,036
* And you're not so big
15
00:00:36,070 --> 00:00:38,506
* You're not the boss
of me now *
16
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,541
* You're not
the boss of me now *
17
00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,111
* You're not the boss
of me now *
18
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:45,879
* And you're not so big
19
00:00:45,913 --> 00:00:50,418
* Life is unfair.
20
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:58,692
(groaning)
21
00:00:58,726 --> 00:01:01,195
Since Stevie's mom deserted him,
22
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,131
he's been living
a little more dangerously.
23
00:01:03,164 --> 00:01:05,465
Yesterday he read a book
in dim light.
24
00:01:05,498 --> 00:01:07,568
Now he's making
his first prank phone call.
25
00:01:07,601 --> 00:01:09,237
(British accent):
Hello...
26
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:14,542
is your... refrigerator...
27
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,245
(normal voice):
Yeah... it's me.
28
00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:19,713
We have got to get tickets to
this baseball card convention.
29
00:01:19,747 --> 00:01:20,881
You know who's going
to be there?
30
00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:21,815
Reggie Jackson,
31
00:01:21,849 --> 00:01:24,985
Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds
and Pete Bucowski.
32
00:01:25,018 --> 00:01:26,587
Pete Bucowski!
33
00:01:26,620 --> 00:01:28,656
Who?
Oh, for the...
34
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,825
Only the first Polish-American
lefty from the tri-county area
35
00:01:31,859 --> 00:01:34,528
to play two complete seasons
in the majors.
36
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:37,231
And you call yourselves fans.
37
00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,499
It's not in there either.
38
00:01:38,532 --> 00:01:40,234
I can't find my lucky shirt.
39
00:01:40,268 --> 00:01:41,969
Your what?
My lucky shirt.
40
00:01:42,002 --> 00:01:43,571
The shirt that
gives me good luck.
41
00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,106
I wear it and I'm lucky.
42
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,308
Lucky shirt.
43
00:01:47,341 --> 00:01:48,809
You ever hear
anything so stupid?
44
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:51,479
You're asking me...
45
00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:53,614
about luck?
46
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:55,416
DEWEY:
Here it is! That's better.
47
00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,917
I don't know
what I would've done
48
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:57,951
without my lucky shirt.
49
00:01:57,985 --> 00:01:59,720
It's not a lucky shirt.
50
00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:02,022
Hey, look.
51
00:02:02,055 --> 00:02:04,792
An M&M.
52
00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,861
Here you go, Abe.
53
00:02:07,895 --> 00:02:09,197
Thank you so much
54
00:02:09,229 --> 00:02:11,465
for helping us bachelors
with our laundry, Lois.
55
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:13,934
Wow, the collars are so crisp.
56
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:15,303
That's her signature.
57
00:02:15,336 --> 00:02:16,537
Oh, honestly.
58
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,772
It's just a little spray starch
and a firm hand.
59
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:22,276
So, Abe, how's
the divorce going?
60
00:02:22,310 --> 00:02:23,344
It's a nightmare, Hal.
61
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:25,213
Kitty is out of control.
62
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,848
She wears these outrageous
miniskirts to court,
63
00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,149
flirts with the judge...
64
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,117
What did your lawyer do?
65
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,653
He asked me if she could
sit at our table.
66
00:02:32,686 --> 00:02:33,821
Whoa.
67
00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:35,155
You know, Abe,
it's been a while.
68
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:37,858
Maybe you should think about
getting out there again.
69
00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,227
Oh, I've taken care of that.
70
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:40,894
I've decided to spend
the rest of my life
71
00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,396
in misery and die alone.
72
00:02:42,430 --> 00:02:43,697
(door opens)
73
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:46,133
Sorry, I was driving home and
knew I wouldn't make it.
74
00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,369
This was the
nearest safe house.
75
00:02:48,402 --> 00:02:50,204
Hot soup!
76
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:52,740
I'm taking Jamie to the park.
77
00:02:52,773 --> 00:02:54,375
We're going to look
for butterflies
78
00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,043
and talk about his birth trauma.
79
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:58,412
Sounds good.
80
00:02:58,446 --> 00:02:59,513
Oh, Polly,
this is Abe.
81
00:02:59,547 --> 00:03:00,414
Hi.
82
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:03,016
Hi.
83
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,019
Oh, my God.
84
00:03:06,053 --> 00:03:08,155
That woman fell
out of the sexy tree
85
00:03:08,188 --> 00:03:09,357
and hit every branch
86
00:03:09,390 --> 00:03:10,658
on the way down.
87
00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:13,327
Abe, you dog.
88
00:03:13,361 --> 00:03:14,595
Why don't you
ask her out?
89
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,264
Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.
90
00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,566
To be honest, I didn't
even ask Kitty out.
91
00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:22,370
My dad asked her dad,
and we gave her family a ham.
92
00:03:22,403 --> 00:03:26,173
But maybe you could
ask her for me.
93
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:28,208
No. I don't
do that anymore.
94
00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:31,245
My setups have a way
of not working out.
95
00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:32,946
You just told me
I should get out there
96
00:03:32,980 --> 00:03:35,115
and now you're
crushing my dreams.
97
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,784
Abe, you read about
the guy who woke up
98
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:38,952
in a tub full of ice
with his kidney gone?
99
00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,454
One of my setups.
100
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:42,122
And I had a really good
feeling about that one.
101
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,758
Please. I need this.
102
00:03:44,792 --> 00:03:45,893
Oh, all right.
103
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,428
But I'm warning you,
104
00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:49,897
I have a really
good feeling about
this one, too.
105
00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:54,668
Halftime.
106
00:03:55,569 --> 00:03:56,970
POLLY:
Nighty-night.
107
00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:59,873
Oh, if Jamie
has that dream again--
108
00:03:59,907 --> 00:04:01,475
I think it's about
a bad teddy--
109
00:04:01,509 --> 00:04:03,277
try and get him
to ride it out.
110
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,078
He's got to defeat
that thing.
111
00:04:05,112 --> 00:04:05,979
Got it.
112
00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:07,615
Oh, listen, Polly,
113
00:04:07,648 --> 00:04:09,317
are you doing anything
Friday night?
114
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:13,721
Oh, my God,
I've been dreading this day.
115
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,889
This is what happened
on my last job.
116
00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:18,225
Of course he told me he only
had six months to live.
117
00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:19,660
And, boy, did he live.
118
00:04:19,692 --> 00:04:20,894
No. No, no.
119
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:21,962
Polly, Polly...
120
00:04:21,995 --> 00:04:23,664
I was asking for
my friend, Abe.
121
00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,098
He was here
the other day.
122
00:04:25,132 --> 00:04:27,301
Oh. Stevie's dad?
123
00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:29,136
Yeah. Oh, he's a great guy.
124
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:32,740
A lot of fun, a big heart,
a great personality...
125
00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:34,074
I know he's fat, Hal.
126
00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:36,243
That wasn't...
Oh, no, that's okay.
127
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,579
To tell you the truth,
I prefer big men.
128
00:04:38,612 --> 00:04:39,647
So have him call me.
129
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:40,814
All right!
130
00:04:40,848 --> 00:04:42,082
But this should
not be construed
131
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,684
as a setup in any way,
132
00:04:43,717 --> 00:04:46,420
because he was
going to ask you out
in the first place.
133
00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:48,622
If you're gonna do
this, you need to
promise in advance
134
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:49,957
that you're not
going to stalk him
135
00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:51,825
or run him over
with a car
136
00:04:51,859 --> 00:04:53,093
or suddenly decide
137
00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,261
he looks like
your stepbrother
138
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:55,663
and throw a steam
iron at him.
139
00:04:55,696 --> 00:04:58,366
I drifted off, Hal,
but okay.
140
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,869
And after the movie
we took off our shoes
141
00:05:01,902 --> 00:05:03,671
and walked barefoot
through the mall.
142
00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:06,106
I tell you, Hal,
I feel like a new man.
143
00:05:06,139 --> 00:05:07,174
Yesterday
I was watching
144
00:05:07,207 --> 00:05:09,142
a Pepe LePew cartoon
and I thought,
145
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:12,279
"So he doesn't get the cat.
Is that anything to cry over?"
146
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,682
Wow. That is a real
breakthrough, Abe.
147
00:05:14,715 --> 00:05:16,484
I'm definitely going
to see her again.
148
00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,851
Well, she's here tomorrow.
I'll ask her...
149
00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:20,521
No, no, I already
asked her out. Myself.
150
00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:21,455
It was amazing.
151
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,858
I was like some
magnificent beast.
152
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:26,794
Now, if you'll excuse me,
153
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:29,930
I'm going to add
my own fabric softener.
154
00:05:31,098 --> 00:05:34,001
Francis, look at
this Visa bill.
155
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:36,670
What did we say about
expenditures over $100?
156
00:05:38,238 --> 00:05:40,207
I needed a new hat.
157
00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,675
Give me your card.
158
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:44,412
Piama, this is stupid.
159
00:05:44,445 --> 00:05:46,747
Give me your card.
160
00:05:52,219 --> 00:05:53,854
(imitates whip crack)
161
00:05:55,589 --> 00:05:57,057
Thanks for letting me
162
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,892
get ready here, Lois.
163
00:05:58,926 --> 00:05:59,893
Which earrings?
164
00:05:59,927 --> 00:06:01,261
Well, the dangly
are a little...
165
00:06:01,294 --> 00:06:02,663
Oh, I was asking Jamie.
166
00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:05,766
I'm sorry, but he's
really good at this.
167
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,936
Oh, you're right.
What was I thinking?
168
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:10,871
I'm so nervous.
169
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:13,874
This is the third date,
and you know what that means.
170
00:06:13,907 --> 00:06:16,076
Well, Polly...
171
00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:17,377
Oh, no. Not that.
172
00:06:17,411 --> 00:06:19,613
I get that out of the way
on the first date.
173
00:06:19,647 --> 00:06:21,048
Makes everyone more relaxed.
174
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:23,050
No, tonight we're going to do
tribal scarring
175
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,486
and then go to Ben and Jerry's.
176
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,189
Well, it may not be
our idea of romance,
177
00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,958
but those two have
really hit it off.
178
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:32,893
And here I was convinced
setting people up
179
00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:34,394
was a recipe for disaster.
180
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:36,363
I was skeptical, too,
but you know what?
181
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,899
I was wrong,
and I'm happy to admit it.
182
00:06:38,932 --> 00:06:40,568
(doorbell rings)
183
00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,636
(ringing)
Hold on, lover boy.
184
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:45,338
She's not quite...
185
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:47,808
Craig?
Hi.
186
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:49,076
Is Polly ready?
187
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:51,545
Hi, Craig.
She'll be out in a minute.
188
00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,146
Don't you look nice?
189
00:06:53,180 --> 00:06:55,315
Thanks. I set my Flowbee
on "hot."
190
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:56,416
Hi.
Hi.
191
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:59,252
Mm, what is that
intoxicating fragrance?
192
00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:00,488
Oh, it's Glade.
193
00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:01,922
It suits you.
194
00:07:03,090 --> 00:07:05,258
Have fun, you two.
195
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:08,962
That's not Abe.
196
00:07:08,996 --> 00:07:10,498
No, that's Craig.
What about it?
197
00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:12,900
She can't be dating Craig.
She's dating Abe.
198
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:13,834
What are you talking about?
199
00:07:13,867 --> 00:07:15,603
I set up Abe and Polly.
200
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,338
I set up Craig and Polly.
201
00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:21,675
All the time we've been
talking about Polly's date,
202
00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:23,911
we've been talking about
two different people?
203
00:07:23,944 --> 00:07:24,912
I haven't been.
204
00:07:24,945 --> 00:07:25,979
I clearly remember saying,
205
00:07:26,013 --> 00:07:28,415
"Overweight,
nearsighted, lonely,
206
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,685
lost his kitty..."
207
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,654
Oh, my God.
208
00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:36,924
I picked up some
cold medicine for you.
209
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:38,692
I told you I'm fine.
210
00:07:38,726 --> 00:07:41,629
You know what happens
when you get that scratchy
thing in your throat.
211
00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:43,697
I don't need it.
212
00:07:43,731 --> 00:07:45,866
I'm not gonna be up all
night with you coughing.
213
00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:47,000
Just take it.
214
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:49,202
Señora.
215
00:07:49,236 --> 00:07:51,004
Señora.
216
00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,040
(snickering)
217
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:55,108
You have to stop
telling me what to do.
218
00:07:55,142 --> 00:07:56,844
You are putting me
in a horrible position
219
00:07:56,877 --> 00:07:59,446
in front of my guys, Piama,
and it's getting worse.
220
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:00,614
They're not doing the work?
221
00:08:00,648 --> 00:08:02,182
What? No, they do
plenty of work.
222
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,784
Then what's the problem?
223
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:07,821
They're... teasing me.
224
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:10,190
The other boys
are teasing you.
225
00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,859
Let me explain something
to you, Piama.
226
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:15,696
The whole macho thing is
very big in Mexican culture.
227
00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:18,465
No, it's actually big
in every culture,
228
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,000
and I'm not buying into it
229
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:22,536
just because these guys
are acting like jerks.
230
00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,775
(coughs)
231
00:08:28,609 --> 00:08:30,778
(coughing)
232
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:33,813
(chuckles)
233
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,749
That's a good boy.
234
00:08:37,717 --> 00:08:39,653
(laughing)
235
00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:41,087
I will not be mocked.
236
00:08:41,121 --> 00:08:42,322
(laughing)
237
00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:43,756
Do you hear me?!
238
00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,325
(laughing)
239
00:08:45,358 --> 00:08:46,393
I'm not kidding!
240
00:08:46,426 --> 00:08:47,861
I'm sorry.
(laughing)
241
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:56,069
Clean socks.
242
00:08:57,037 --> 00:08:59,707
Yes!
Lucky shirt strikes again.
243
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:02,275
It's not a lucky shirt.
244
00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:03,376
You shouldn't criticize things
245
00:09:03,410 --> 00:09:04,878
you're not equipped
to understand, Malcolm.
246
00:09:04,912 --> 00:09:06,847
It's a shirt.
It's just fabric.
247
00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,515
There's nothing
in there but atoms.
248
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,217
Luck atoms.
249
00:09:10,250 --> 00:09:11,685
There are no luck atoms.
250
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,386
Everyone has some kind
of luck, Malcolm.
251
00:09:13,420 --> 00:09:16,223
Like you, you're lucky
at taking tests.
252
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:19,392
I bust my ass
to get good grades.
253
00:09:19,426 --> 00:09:21,629
Why does my lucky shirt
make you so mad?
254
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:23,563
Because believing in
that kind of nonsense
255
00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,433
isn't smart or healthy
or good for society.
256
00:09:26,466 --> 00:09:29,036
The world doesn't work
by magic or superstition.
257
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,604
It's rational.
258
00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:33,774
Maybe you believe that because
all you're good at is thinking,
259
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:35,042
and if the world
isn't logical
260
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,877
then you're lost.
261
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,913
Okay, fine.
You know what, Dewey, luck this.
262
00:09:39,947 --> 00:09:43,250
(shrieks, groans)
263
00:09:43,283 --> 00:09:46,386
This... proves nothing.
264
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,055
(whimpers)
265
00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:50,658
ABE: I can't believe
she's seeing someone else.
266
00:09:50,691 --> 00:09:52,159
She just came right
out and said it
267
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:53,293
like it was no big deal.
268
00:09:53,326 --> 00:09:54,928
Said she didn't want
to be chained down.
269
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:56,563
Chained down.
Can you believe it?
270
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:57,898
Yeah, I can.
271
00:09:57,931 --> 00:10:00,067
But then I've had some time
to process it, Abe.
272
00:10:00,100 --> 00:10:02,502
You told me twice last night
and the day before that
273
00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:03,737
when you showed up at work.
274
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:04,838
I sense his presence, Hal.
275
00:10:04,872 --> 00:10:06,740
His essence lingering.
276
00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,676
Picture it, Hal.
277
00:10:08,709 --> 00:10:10,110
I want you
to picture it.
278
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:12,980
Her lips on
another man's lips.
279
00:10:13,013 --> 00:10:14,181
Not mine.
280
00:10:14,214 --> 00:10:17,317
What's wrong
with my lips?
281
00:10:19,119 --> 00:10:20,821
I wish I knew who it was.
282
00:10:20,854 --> 00:10:22,089
If I ever find out
who it is
283
00:10:22,122 --> 00:10:26,159
I will track him down to
his evil lair and... and...
284
00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:28,495
I'll probably just take
a lot of telephoto shots
285
00:10:28,528 --> 00:10:29,930
and start dressing
like him.
286
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,965
You have to have some
clue to his identity.
287
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,033
Think, Lois, think!
288
00:10:33,066 --> 00:10:35,969
Craig, you're
driving me crazy.
289
00:10:36,003 --> 00:10:38,005
I'm sorry.
You're right.
290
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,272
Absolutely right.
291
00:10:39,306 --> 00:10:41,274
Is he rich?
292
00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,110
Famous? Athletic?
293
00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:46,113
Muscular?
Intellectual? Slim?
294
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,815
Is he lit from within
295
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,983
by a quiet, inner strength
and steely resolve?
296
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,184
It's so unfair.
297
00:10:51,218 --> 00:10:53,553
Why does he have
to have my woman?
298
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:54,722
Oh, God...
299
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,824
it's not that hunk
from the calendar
300
00:10:56,857 --> 00:10:58,025
holding the tires, is it?
301
00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,793
I can't compete with that.
302
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,129
How can I compete with that?
303
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,964
Sure, I've got my joke book,
304
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,033
but that really
only takes me so far.
305
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,869
Why would God give me
a glimpse of paradise
306
00:11:08,902 --> 00:11:11,071
just to slam the gate
in my face?
307
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:12,539
God hates me.
308
00:11:12,572 --> 00:11:16,409
(sobbing):
I'm so unhappy.
(sobbing):
I'm so unhappy.
309
00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:24,684
You have
to choose, Polly.
310
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:25,652
I can't.
311
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:29,089
I keep trying,
but it just isn't easy.
312
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,224
Honestly, Lois, as a woman,
313
00:11:31,258 --> 00:11:33,393
could you choose
between Craig and Abe?
314
00:11:33,426 --> 00:11:35,262
Well, um, thankfully,
315
00:11:35,295 --> 00:11:39,733
I don't have to make
such a difficult decision.
316
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:41,268
But the important thing is,
Polly,
317
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,402
you do.
318
00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:43,771
But it's impossible.
319
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:47,207
Every time I try and weigh
their strengths and attractions,
320
00:11:47,240 --> 00:11:49,109
they come out even.
321
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:52,045
Craig has that
sexy self-confidence
322
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,114
and love of fantasy play,
323
00:11:54,147 --> 00:11:57,851
and Abe is warm and kind
and he gets one extra point
324
00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:58,752
because he's black.
325
00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,553
He just does.
There, I've said it.
326
00:12:00,587 --> 00:12:02,790
Plus this is all complicated
by the fact
327
00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:06,226
that I am having the most
exciting time of my life
328
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,061
and never want it to end.
329
00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:08,962
But, Polly...
330
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:10,597
I'm sorry. I have to go.
331
00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,632
I'm meeting Craig for Laser Tag
332
00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:15,202
and then Abe
at the Cheesecake Factory.
333
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:18,438
You know,
if society weren't so hung up,
334
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,774
we'd have the solution.
335
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,075
(door opens)
336
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,743
Okay, we're just
going to have
337
00:12:23,777 --> 00:12:25,245
to help make
the decision for her.
338
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:26,146
You're right.
339
00:12:26,179 --> 00:12:27,480
Can you get Abe
to back off?
340
00:12:27,514 --> 00:12:28,448
What? Why Abe?
341
00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:30,083
Why can't you get Craig
to back off?
342
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:32,219
Craig will fall apart.
Abe can take it.
343
00:12:32,252 --> 00:12:33,320
He's more mature.
344
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,555
The man sleeps with
a night-light, Lois!
345
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,124
Eight hours, Hal!
346
00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:40,660
For eight hours
I had to watch Craig
practice revenge faces.
347
00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:42,629
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
this is crazy.
348
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,297
We shouldn't be fighting.
349
00:12:44,331 --> 00:12:45,966
We should just stay out
of this whole thing.
350
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,600
You're right.
You're right.
351
00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:49,102
They're both our friends.
352
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:50,603
One of them will screw up
eventually.
353
00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:51,604
Exactly.
354
00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:56,009
I just wish I could stop
picturing the sex.
355
00:12:57,377 --> 00:13:00,280
Pete Bucowski never got
discouraged, even when
356
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:02,649
he got sent down to the minors
for the fifth time.
Let's go over there.
357
00:13:02,682 --> 00:13:05,618
He just shrugged and grinned
that grin he had and said,
358
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:06,820
"Hey, what the hey."
359
00:13:06,854 --> 00:13:08,155
It was like his catchphrase.
360
00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,023
Look, goose bumps.
361
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,291
Great, Mom.
362
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:12,525
We're gonna find Reggie Jackson.
363
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,594
Okay, but don't miss
Pete Bucowski.
364
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:18,265
He's only appearing
at 11:30, 12:15, 1:00,
365
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,668
2:30, 3:15,
4:30 and 6:00!
366
00:13:21,701 --> 00:13:23,670
Thanks so much
for inviting me.
367
00:13:23,703 --> 00:13:25,038
I really needed something
368
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:27,140
to take my mind
off of my love life.
369
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,542
Well, that's why
God invented baseball.
370
00:13:29,576 --> 00:13:30,710
And war.
371
00:13:30,743 --> 00:13:33,213
Look, Pete will come
to your birthday party.
372
00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:36,049
Be sure to turn in your
ticket stubs to be eligible
373
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:38,018
for a chance to win
Reggie Jackson's
374
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:40,720
450th home run ball.
375
00:13:42,189 --> 00:13:45,692
I thought they said
I'd be roped off.
376
00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,395
I won't let you touch the ball,
377
00:13:48,428 --> 00:13:51,698
but I will let you touch
my hand after my hand
has touched the ball.
378
00:13:51,731 --> 00:13:53,200
Shut up, Dewey.
379
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:54,567
You know what?
If you win,
380
00:13:54,601 --> 00:13:56,369
I will kiss Reese's butt
on that stage.
381
00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,537
Deal. Shake.
No take-backs.
382
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,907
Fine.
383
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:05,012
Any rituals you go through
before a big game?
384
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,715
Come on.
You can talk to me.
385
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:10,884
What? Does it violate
386
00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:12,585
your precious chicken code?
387
00:14:12,619 --> 00:14:13,853
Hal, come on.
388
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:17,357
Guy gets too big to talk
to the fans who made him!
389
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:18,691
Hal?
390
00:14:18,725 --> 00:14:20,160
Lois?
391
00:14:20,193 --> 00:14:22,229
Polly?
392
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,497
What an incredible coinky-dink.
393
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:25,565
Hi, Craig.
394
00:14:25,598 --> 00:14:26,900
Hi, Craig.
395
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,868
Hey, Polly, we'll take
Jamie for a while
396
00:14:28,902 --> 00:14:31,438
if you two want to spend
some time together.
397
00:14:31,471 --> 00:14:32,839
Mm...
398
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:34,207
We had an agreement.
399
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:35,408
How dare you, Lois!
400
00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,911
Polly,
401
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:39,879
what an
unbelievable surprise.
402
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,281
Think how humiliated Abe--
403
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,083
who coincidentally
just arrived--
404
00:14:43,116 --> 00:14:44,551
is going to feel.
405
00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:45,585
Hi, Abe.
406
00:14:45,618 --> 00:14:46,886
Hi.
407
00:14:46,920 --> 00:14:49,722
Well, well, well. Well.
408
00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:53,927
Polly, you remember my crippled
son Stevie who lost his mother?
409
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,896
I'm... needy.
410
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,098
Hey, Abe, Stevie.
411
00:14:58,131 --> 00:14:59,266
Craig, nice to see you.
412
00:14:59,299 --> 00:15:02,569
My golly, isn't this
gut-wrenching?
413
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,137
Polly, are you okay?
414
00:15:04,171 --> 00:15:06,373
Fine. I just seem to be having
415
00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:07,975
an out-of-body experience
416
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,043
which my shaman would be
very proud of,
417
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,312
except I think I'm going
to be falling down now.
418
00:15:12,345 --> 00:15:13,580
Oh.
I got you, baby.
419
00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:15,582
Daddy's here, angel.
420
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:18,751
You!
You!
421
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:19,719
Boys, please, please.
422
00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:23,656
Now, every conflict
invites a dark angel
423
00:15:23,690 --> 00:15:25,258
and an angel of light.
424
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,961
So let's summon
an angel of light!
425
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:34,767
I've waited
for this moment.
426
00:15:34,801 --> 00:15:36,569
Not as much as I have.
427
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,638
How do you know
how much I have?
428
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:39,606
Abe, come on.
429
00:15:39,639 --> 00:15:40,807
No, Hal.
430
00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,776
He's made a fool of me
for the last time!
431
00:15:43,810 --> 00:15:45,512
Craig, don't do this!
432
00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,714
I will not stand by and let him
put the horns on me, Lois.
433
00:15:50,817 --> 00:15:52,385
(yelling)
434
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:02,195
Oh, my God,
they're killing each other!
435
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:21,381
CRAIG AND ABE:
Oh! Ow! Oh!
436
00:16:21,414 --> 00:16:23,350
Ow!
437
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,452
Get him... Dad!
438
00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:28,155
Slap him... silly.
439
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:30,023
Had enough, Feldspar?!
440
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:32,159
I haven't begun
to have enough!
441
00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:34,294
To... have had enough.
Time-out!
442
00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:36,263
Time-out!
443
00:16:40,033 --> 00:16:41,534
Time-in!
444
00:16:56,449 --> 00:16:59,252
Here's your tuna sandwich
that you wanted.
445
00:16:59,952 --> 00:17:00,853
Thanks.
446
00:17:00,887 --> 00:17:03,190
I just hope I got it for you
fast enough.
447
00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:05,492
Because I know
when my man gets hungry,
448
00:17:05,525 --> 00:17:07,026
he wants to eat
right away.
449
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:08,528
And that's my job,
450
00:17:08,560 --> 00:17:10,797
to make my man happy.
451
00:17:15,234 --> 00:17:19,806
Well... I hope so, too.
452
00:17:20,473 --> 00:17:21,674
And let's just hope
453
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:23,376
this isn't a repeat
of the last time.
454
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,078
I mean, let's face it.
455
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:26,913
That sandwich was a joke.
456
00:17:26,945 --> 00:17:30,450
(quietly):
Let's not turn a favor into
something that you'll regret.
457
00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:33,120
As a matter of fact, I think
I would prefer this toasted.
458
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:36,689
And I'd like to see
a little garnish this time!
459
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:40,627
And I'd like you to think
about a certain special thing
460
00:17:40,660 --> 00:17:43,896
that you love
that's never gonna happen again.
461
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,573
No, honey, wait! I'm sorry!
462
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,642
(laughter)
463
00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:58,378
Hey, Reg,
464
00:17:58,411 --> 00:18:00,780
Pete Bucowski,
the Polish Splinter.
465
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:01,981
Oh, God, I hate
these things.
466
00:18:02,014 --> 00:18:04,417
All the fans
want a piece of you.
467
00:18:04,451 --> 00:18:05,752
Always getting mobbed.
468
00:18:05,785 --> 00:18:07,620
Yeah, yeah.
What do you want me to sign?
469
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:10,757
Just this ball.
470
00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,625
And the 12 shirts
in this box.
471
00:18:13,526 --> 00:18:15,262
Anything you want me to sign?
472
00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:17,897
Okay, the Reggie Jackson
home run ball
473
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,832
will be raffled off
in one minute.
474
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:22,101
I think I'll put it
on the mantle.
475
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,404
Right after Malcolm
plants one on my butt.
476
00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:25,772
It's a stupid bet.
477
00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,740
Yeah, but if he wins,
you're doing it.
478
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,742
Your brother bet you
he'd win the ball?
479
00:18:29,776 --> 00:18:31,311
He thinks he has a lucky shirt.
480
00:18:31,344 --> 00:18:32,412
Lucky shirt.
481
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,746
When I was in Little League,
482
00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:35,448
I had a pair
of smelly old lucky socks
483
00:18:35,482 --> 00:18:36,649
that I wore all summer.
484
00:18:36,683 --> 00:18:37,950
Pretty dumb, huh?
485
00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:38,685
Yeah.
486
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:39,752
I hit .475
487
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:42,155
with 50 home runs that season.
488
00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:44,123
Don't let him welsh, kid.
489
00:18:44,157 --> 00:18:45,892
I won't, Reggie.
490
00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:47,594
When Dewey wins,
491
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:49,862
you pucker up and I will, too.
492
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:52,799
*
493
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,041
(elevator bell dings)
494
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:05,512
BOTH:
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow.
495
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:10,850
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow,
ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
496
00:19:12,552 --> 00:19:14,521
Stop this!
497
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,290
Then you have
to choose!
498
00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,158
Yeah, choose!
499
00:19:19,192 --> 00:19:20,159
Abe or me!
500
00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,195
The dumpy loser
or the one who loves you?!
501
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:23,330
I'm the one
who loves you.
502
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:24,364
Don't fall for
his smooth line!
503
00:19:24,397 --> 00:19:25,898
I love you more!
504
00:19:25,932 --> 00:19:28,735
Okay, okay, okay. I choose...
Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.
505
00:19:28,768 --> 00:19:30,837
Jamie.
506
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:34,173
I'm sorry, but my career's
what's important to me.
507
00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,376
You guys have been
a distraction.
508
00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,511
An unbelievable carnal
delight...
509
00:19:38,545 --> 00:19:40,079
but a distraction nonetheless.
510
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:44,083
Baby-sitting is the only thing
I'm really good at.
511
00:19:45,785 --> 00:19:48,255
Uh, where's the baby?
512
00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:51,924
Oh, my God! Jamie!
513
00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:57,029
(baby cooing echoing)
514
00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:10,310
(metallic creaking)
515
00:20:17,484 --> 00:20:19,051
And the winner is...
516
00:20:20,253 --> 00:20:21,621
Give me that!
517
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,691
You're not getting out
of kissing my butt!
518
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:26,559
Give me back my lucky shirt!
519
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:28,194
It's not a lucky shirt!
520
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,096
(audience gasps)
521
00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:37,737
Shut up, Dewey.
522
00:20:39,839 --> 00:20:41,441
Oh, my God!
523
00:20:42,275 --> 00:20:44,944
Pete Bucowski
saved my baby!
524
00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:46,379
Glad I could
help, ma'am.
525
00:20:46,413 --> 00:20:49,449
Want to buy an autographed
Reggie Jackson shirt?
526
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:52,985
It isn't the jacket that smells.
527
00:20:53,019 --> 00:20:54,721
There was a fried apple pie
in the pocket.
528
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:55,622
Thanks, Lois.
529
00:20:55,655 --> 00:20:57,590
So where are you players headed
tonight?
530
00:20:57,624 --> 00:20:58,625
The Rusty Scupper.
531
00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:00,893
Uh-oh, we better get
a wiggle on, Craig.
532
00:21:00,927 --> 00:21:02,629
Happy Hour starts
in 20 minutes
533
00:21:02,662 --> 00:21:04,096
and the ladies won't wait.
534
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:06,065
They'll wait for you
in those new chinos.
535
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:08,335
I won't have a chance with you
in your leather jacket.
536
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:11,738
Not if they get a load
of your... (crying)
537
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:12,739
Ah, ah, ah.
Come on.
538
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:13,906
How are you going
to get on the scene?
539
00:21:13,940 --> 00:21:16,509
Like a sex machine.
34846
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