Original subtitles

What are you doing? Playing with ants.

Looking for a little picnic, huh?

Looks like you've come to the wrong place.

There's one on your hand.

Ha, ha...

He's got a little surprise coming.

Stupid ant.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

(groaning)

Since Stevie's mom deserted him,

he's been living a little more dangerously.

Yesterday he read a book in dim light.

Now he's making his first prank phone call.

(British accent): Hello...

is your... refrigerator...

(normal voice): Yeah... it's me.

We have got to get tickets to this baseball card convention.

You know who's going to be there?

Reggie Jackson,

Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds and Pete Bucowski.

Pete Bucowski!

Who? Oh, for the...

Only the first Polish-American lefty from the tri-county area

to play two complete seasons in the majors.

And you call yourselves fans.

It's not in there either.

I can't find my lucky shirt.

Your what? My lucky shirt.

The shirt that gives me good luck.

I wear it and I'm lucky.

Lucky shirt.

You ever hear anything so stupid?

You're asking me...

about luck?

DEWEY: Here it is! That's better.

I don't know what I would've done

without my lucky shirt.

It's not a lucky shirt.

Hey, look.

An M&M.

Here you go, Abe.

Thank you so much

for helping us bachelors with our laundry, Lois.

Wow, the collars are so crisp.

That's her signature.

Oh, honestly.

It's just a little spray starch and a firm hand.

So, Abe, how's the divorce going?

It's a nightmare, Hal.

Kitty is out of control.

She wears these outrageous miniskirts to court,

flirts with the judge...

What did your lawyer do?

He asked me if she could sit at our table.

Whoa.

You know, Abe, it's been a while.

Maybe you should think about getting out there again.

Oh, I've taken care of that.

I've decided to spend the rest of my life

in misery and die alone.

(door opens)

Sorry, I was driving home and knew I wouldn't make it.

This was the nearest safe house.

Hot soup!

I'm taking Jamie to the park.

We're going to look for butterflies

and talk about his birth trauma.

Sounds good.

Oh, Polly, this is Abe.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

That woman fell out of the sexy tree

and hit every branch

on the way down.

Abe, you dog.

Why don't you ask her out?

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.

To be honest, I didn't even ask Kitty out.

My dad asked her dad, and we gave her family a ham.

But maybe you could ask her for me.

No. I don't do that anymore.

My setups have a way of not working out.

You just told me I should get out there

and now you're crushing my dreams.

Abe, you read about the guy who woke up

in a tub full of ice with his kidney gone?

One of my setups.

And I had a really good feeling about that one.

Please. I need this.

Oh, all right.

But I'm warning you,

I have a really good feeling about this one, too.

Halftime.

POLLY: Nighty-night.

Oh, if Jamie has that dream again--

I think it's about a bad teddy--

try and get him to ride it out.

He's got to defeat that thing.

Got it.

Oh, listen, Polly,

are you doing anything Friday night?

Oh, my God, I've been dreading this day.

This is what happened on my last job.

Of course he told me he only had six months to live.

And, boy, did he live.

No. No, no.

Polly, Polly...

I was asking for my friend, Abe.

He was here the other day.

Oh. Stevie's dad?

Yeah. Oh, he's a great guy.

A lot of fun, a big heart, a great personality...

I know he's fat, Hal.

That wasn't... Oh, no, that's okay.

To tell you the truth, I prefer big men.

So have him call me.

All right!

But this should not be construed

as a setup in any way,

because he was going to ask you out in the first place.

If you're gonna do this, you need to promise in advance

that you're not going to stalk him

or run him over with a car

or suddenly decide

he looks like your stepbrother

and throw a steam iron at him.

I drifted off, Hal, but okay.

And after the movie we took off our shoes

and walked barefoot through the mall.

I tell you, Hal, I feel like a new man.

Yesterday I was watching

a Pepe LePew cartoon and I thought,

"So he doesn't get the cat. Is that anything to cry over?"

Wow. That is a real breakthrough, Abe.

I'm definitely going to see her again.

Well, she's here tomorrow. I'll ask her...

No, no, I already asked her out. Myself.

It was amazing.

I was like some magnificent beast.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to add my own fabric softener.

Francis, look at this Visa bill.

What did we say about expenditures over $100?

I needed a new hat.

Give me your card.

Piama, this is stupid.

Give me your card.

(imitates whip crack)

Thanks for letting me

get ready here, Lois.

Which earrings?

Well, the dangly are a little...

Oh, I was asking Jamie.

I'm sorry, but he's really good at this.

Oh, you're right. What was I thinking?

I'm so nervous.

This is the third date, and you know what that means.

Well, Polly...

Oh, no. Not that.

I get that out of the way on the first date.

Makes everyone more relaxed.

No, tonight we're going to do tribal scarring

and then go to Ben and Jerry's.

Well, it may not be our idea of romance,

but those two have really hit it off.

And here I was convinced setting people up

was a recipe for disaster.

I was skeptical, too, but you know what?

I was wrong, and I'm happy to admit it.

(doorbell rings)

(ringing) Hold on, lover boy.

She's not quite...

Craig? Hi.

Is Polly ready?

Hi, Craig. She'll be out in a minute.

Don't you look nice?

Thanks. I set my Flowbee on "hot."

Hi. Hi.

Mm, what is that intoxicating fragrance?

Oh, it's Glade.

It suits you.

Have fun, you two.

That's not Abe.

No, that's Craig. What about it?

She can't be dating Craig. She's dating Abe.

What are you talking about?

I set up Abe and Polly.

I set up Craig and Polly.

All the time we've been talking about Polly's date,

we've been talking about two different people?

I haven't been.

I clearly remember saying,

"Overweight, nearsighted, lonely,

lost his kitty..."

Oh, my God.

I picked up some cold medicine for you.

I told you I'm fine.

You know what happens when you get that scratchy thing in your throat.

I don't need it.

I'm not gonna be up all night with you coughing.

Just take it.

Señora.

Señora.

(snickering)

You have to stop telling me what to do.

You are putting me in a horrible position

in front of my guys, Piama, and it's getting worse.

They're not doing the work?

What? No, they do plenty of work.

Then what's the problem?

They're... teasing me.

The other boys are teasing you.

Let me explain something to you, Piama.

The whole macho thing is very big in Mexican culture.

No, it's actually big in every culture,

and I'm not buying into it

just because these guys are acting like jerks.

(coughs)

(coughing)

(chuckles)

That's a good boy.

(laughing)

I will not be mocked.

(laughing)

Do you hear me?!

(laughing)

I'm not kidding!

I'm sorry. (laughing)

Clean socks.

Yes! Lucky shirt strikes again.

It's not a lucky shirt.

You shouldn't criticize things

you're not equipped to understand, Malcolm.

It's a shirt. It's just fabric.

There's nothing in there but atoms.

Luck atoms.

There are no luck atoms.

Everyone has some kind of luck, Malcolm.

Like you, you're lucky at taking tests.

I bust my ass to get good grades.

Why does my lucky shirt make you so mad?

Because believing in that kind of nonsense

isn't smart or healthy or good for society.

The world doesn't work by magic or superstition.

It's rational.

Maybe you believe that because all you're good at is thinking,

and if the world isn't logical

then you're lost.

Okay, fine. You know what, Dewey, luck this.

(shrieks, groans)

This... proves nothing.

(whimpers)

ABE: I can't believe she's seeing someone else.

She just came right out and said it

like it was no big deal.

Said she didn't want to be chained down.

Chained down. Can you believe it?

Yeah, I can.

But then I've had some time to process it, Abe.

You told me twice last night and the day before that

when you showed up at work.

I sense his presence, Hal.

His essence lingering.

Picture it, Hal.

I want you to picture it.

Her lips on another man's lips.

Not mine.

What's wrong with my lips?

I wish I knew who it was.

If I ever find out who it is

I will track him down to his evil lair and... and...

I'll probably just take a lot of telephoto shots

and start dressing like him.

You have to have some clue to his identity.

Think, Lois, think!

Craig, you're driving me crazy.

I'm sorry. You're right.

Absolutely right.

Is he rich?

Famous? Athletic?

Muscular? Intellectual? Slim?

Is he lit from within

by a quiet, inner strength and steely resolve?

It's so unfair.

Why does he have to have my woman?

Oh, God...

it's not that hunk from the calendar

holding the tires, is it?

I can't compete with that.

How can I compete with that?

Sure, I've got my joke book,

but that really only takes me so far.

Why would God give me a glimpse of paradise

just to slam the gate in my face?

God hates me.

(sobbing): I'm so unhappy. (sobbing): I'm so unhappy.

You have to choose, Polly.

I can't.

I keep trying, but it just isn't easy.

Honestly, Lois, as a woman,

could you choose between Craig and Abe?

Well, um, thankfully,

I don't have to make such a difficult decision.

But the important thing is, Polly,

you do.

But it's impossible.

Every time I try and weigh their strengths and attractions,

they come out even.

Craig has that sexy self-confidence

and love of fantasy play,

and Abe is warm and kind and he gets one extra point

because he's black.

He just does. There, I've said it.

Plus this is all complicated by the fact

that I am having the most exciting time of my life

and never want it to end.

But, Polly...

I'm sorry. I have to go.

I'm meeting Craig for Laser Tag

and then Abe at the Cheesecake Factory.

You know, if society weren't so hung up,

we'd have the solution.

(door opens)

Okay, we're just going to have

to help make the decision for her.

You're right.

Can you get Abe to back off?

What? Why Abe?

Why can't you get Craig to back off?

Craig will fall apart. Abe can take it.

He's more mature.

The man sleeps with a night-light, Lois!

Eight hours, Hal!

For eight hours I had to watch Craig practice revenge faces.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, this is crazy.

We shouldn't be fighting.

We should just stay out of this whole thing.

You're right. You're right.

They're both our friends.

One of them will screw up eventually.

Exactly.

I just wish I could stop picturing the sex.

Pete Bucowski never got discouraged, even when

he got sent down to the minors for the fifth time. Let's go over there.

He just shrugged and grinned that grin he had and said,

"Hey, what the hey."

It was like his catchphrase.

Look, goose bumps.

Great, Mom.

We're gonna find Reggie Jackson.

Okay, but don't miss Pete Bucowski.

He's only appearing at 11:30, 12:15, 1:00,

2:30, 3:15, 4:30 and 6:00!

Thanks so much for inviting me.

I really needed something

to take my mind off of my love life.

Well, that's why God invented baseball.

And war.

Look, Pete will come to your birthday party.

Be sure to turn in your ticket stubs to be eligible

for a chance to win Reggie Jackson's

450th home run ball.

I thought they said I'd be roped off.

I won't let you touch the ball,

but I will let you touch my hand after my hand has touched the ball.

Shut up, Dewey.

You know what? If you win,

I will kiss Reese's butt on that stage.

Deal. Shake. No take-backs.

Fine.

Any rituals you go through before a big game?

Come on. You can talk to me.

What? Does it violate

your precious chicken code?

Hal, come on.

Guy gets too big to talk to the fans who made him!

Hal?

Lois?

Polly?

What an incredible coinky-dink.

Hi, Craig.

Hi, Craig.

Hey, Polly, we'll take Jamie for a while

if you two want to spend some time together.

Mm...

We had an agreement.

How dare you, Lois!

Polly,

what an unbelievable surprise.

Think how humiliated Abe--

who coincidentally just arrived--

is going to feel.

Hi, Abe.

Hi.

Well, well, well. Well.

Polly, you remember my crippled son Stevie who lost his mother?

I'm... needy.

Hey, Abe, Stevie.

Craig, nice to see you.

My golly, isn't this gut-wrenching?

Polly, are you okay?

Fine. I just seem to be having

an out-of-body experience

which my shaman would be very proud of,

except I think I'm going to be falling down now.

Oh. I got you, baby.

Daddy's here, angel.

You! You!

Boys, please, please.

Now, every conflict invites a dark angel

and an angel of light.

So let's summon an angel of light!

I've waited for this moment.

Not as much as I have.

How do you know how much I have?

Abe, come on.

No, Hal.

He's made a fool of me for the last time!

Craig, don't do this!

I will not stand by and let him put the horns on me, Lois.

(yelling)

Oh, my God, they're killing each other!

CRAIG AND ABE: Oh! Ow! Oh!

Ow!

Get him... Dad!

Slap him... silly.

Had enough, Feldspar?!

I haven't begun to have enough!

To... have had enough. Time-out!

Time-out!

Time-in!

Here's your tuna sandwich that you wanted.

Thanks.

I just hope I got it for you fast enough.

Because I know when my man gets hungry,

he wants to eat right away.

And that's my job,

to make my man happy.

Well... I hope so, too.

And let's just hope

this isn't a repeat of the last time.

I mean, let's face it.

That sandwich was a joke.

(quietly): Let's not turn a favor into something that you'll regret.

As a matter of fact, I think I would prefer this toasted.

And I'd like to see a little garnish this time!

And I'd like you to think about a certain special thing

that you love that's never gonna happen again.

No, honey, wait! I'm sorry!

(laughter)

Hey, Reg,

Pete Bucowski, the Polish Splinter.

Oh, God, I hate these things.

All the fans want a piece of you.

Always getting mobbed.

Yeah, yeah. What do you want me to sign?

Just this ball.

And the 12 shirts in this box.

Anything you want me to sign?

Okay, the Reggie Jackson home run ball

will be raffled off in one minute.

I think I'll put it on the mantle.

Right after Malcolm plants one on my butt.

It's a stupid bet.

Yeah, but if he wins, you're doing it.

Your brother bet you he'd win the ball?

He thinks he has a lucky shirt.

Lucky shirt.

When I was in Little League,

I had a pair of smelly old lucky socks

that I wore all summer.

Pretty dumb, huh?

Yeah.

I hit .475

with 50 home runs that season.

Don't let him welsh, kid.

I won't, Reggie.

When Dewey wins,

you pucker up and I will, too.

*

(elevator bell dings)

BOTH: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Stop this!

Then you have to choose!

Yeah, choose!

Abe or me!

The dumpy loser or the one who loves you?!

I'm the one who loves you.

Don't fall for his smooth line!

I love you more!

Okay, okay, okay. I choose... Me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

Jamie.

I'm sorry, but my career's what's important to me.

You guys have been a distraction.

An unbelievable carnal delight...

but a distraction nonetheless.

Baby-sitting is the only thing I'm really good at.

Uh, where's the baby?

Oh, my God! Jamie!

(baby cooing echoing)

(metallic creaking)

And the winner is...

Give me that!

You're not getting out of kissing my butt!

Give me back my lucky shirt!

It's not a lucky shirt!

(audience gasps)

Shut up, Dewey.

Oh, my God!

Pete Bucowski saved my baby!

Glad I could help, ma'am.

Want to buy an autographed Reggie Jackson shirt?

It isn't the jacket that smells.

There was a fried apple pie in the pocket.

Thanks, Lois.

So where are you players headed tonight?

The Rusty Scupper.

Uh-oh, we better get a wiggle on, Craig.

Happy Hour starts in 20 minutes

and the ladies won't wait.

They'll wait for you in those new chinos.

I won't have a chance with you in your leather jacket.

Not if they get a load of your... (crying)

Ah, ah, ah. Come on.

How are you going to get on the scene?

Like a sex machine.