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1
00:00:04,272 --> 00:00:06,207
Will you look at that?
2
00:00:06,240 --> 00:00:09,410
He wants a trampoline
for his birthday.
3
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:12,213
That's so cute, but
we can't afford that.
4
00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:18,552
He can get that if he
doesn't have a party.
5
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,023
That is perfect.
6
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:25,259
He'll be so surprised.
7
00:00:26,560 --> 00:00:30,431
* Yes, no, maybe
8
00:00:30,464 --> 00:00:32,400
* I don't know
9
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:35,869
* Can you repeat the question?
10
00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:38,072
* You're not the boss
of me now *
11
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:40,408
* You're not
the boss of me now *
12
00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:42,910
* You're not the boss
of me now *
13
00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,945
* And you're not so big
14
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:47,348
* You're not the boss
of me now *
15
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:49,350
* You're not
the boss of me now *
16
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:52,019
* You're not the boss
of me now *
17
00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:54,888
* And you're not so big
18
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:58,426
* Life is unfair.
19
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,695
This is the best part
of my day--
20
00:01:01,729 --> 00:01:04,031
the 16 minutes between
the horrors of school
21
00:01:04,063 --> 00:01:05,633
and the horrors of home.
22
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:07,201
Malcolm,
there you are.
23
00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:09,203
You know Ira James,
right?
24
00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,772
All-state fullback, state
single season rushing record.
25
00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:14,642
Who am I kidding? He's probably
never even talked to you.
26
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:16,377
Hi.
27
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,745
Ira's graduating
this year.
28
00:01:17,778 --> 00:01:20,381
He's got interest from six
Division 1-A colleges.
29
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:21,482
Full rides.
30
00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:23,984
The problem is, each
school wants him to write
31
00:01:24,017 --> 00:01:25,653
a personal essay
on his application.
32
00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:26,654
So...?
33
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:27,721
So Ira's an idiot.
34
00:01:27,755 --> 00:01:29,723
I mean, hamster idiot.
35
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:33,127
And that's only if we're talking
about a really stupid hamster.
36
00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:35,062
Mom says I have
other nice qualities.
37
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:37,265
Since you're the smartest
kid in the school,
38
00:01:37,298 --> 00:01:38,799
I want you to help
him write his essays.
39
00:01:38,832 --> 00:01:42,236
I wish I could, but I've got,
like, three midterms next week.
40
00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:44,004
Look, you don't
understand.
41
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:45,473
Ira is a football
player.
42
00:01:45,506 --> 00:01:47,241
That means when he
needs something,
43
00:01:47,275 --> 00:01:50,077
it's up to you non-football
kids to do it for him.
44
00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,180
The cheerleaders
understand it.
45
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:53,914
Look, I'll make it
worth your while.
46
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,250
I'll let you out of gym
for the rest of the semester.
47
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,251
I don't mind gym.
48
00:01:57,285 --> 00:02:00,521
Sure you don't,
brainiac.
49
00:02:03,624 --> 00:02:05,359
HAL:
Hi, honey.
50
00:02:07,328 --> 00:02:09,163
I'm going
to need you to be calm.
51
00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,932
Aw, geez.
Which kid is it?
52
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,033
I'm not going to tell you.
53
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:14,435
You're not calm enough yet.
54
00:02:14,468 --> 00:02:15,603
Reese.
55
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:18,506
Okay, deep breath.
56
00:02:18,539 --> 00:02:20,441
What'd he do?
57
00:02:20,474 --> 00:02:22,443
All right.
58
00:02:22,476 --> 00:02:24,278
Reese...
59
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:26,647
That... glubber...!
60
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:29,149
That... sniggit...!
61
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,318
I'm gonna...
62
00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:32,286
(speaking gibberish)
63
00:02:32,320 --> 00:02:34,121
Honey, do you want
some tea or a drink?
64
00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:35,989
What's wrong with Dad?
Your father just
65
00:02:36,023 --> 00:02:36,990
found out what Reese did.
66
00:02:37,024 --> 00:02:39,693
What'd he do?
Your brother...
67
00:02:39,727 --> 00:02:41,329
Oh, my God!
68
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,796
Did they have to evacuate?!
69
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:43,664
Glurb...
70
00:02:43,697 --> 00:02:45,132
Oh, man, what a day.
71
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,700
Vic lost his other one
in the meat grinder,
72
00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:49,503
and the health department
shut us down for 15 minutes.
73
00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:51,138
We were playing
catch up all afternoon.
74
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:52,139
You sit down.
75
00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:55,142
(speaking gibberish)
76
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,510
He wants to know
77
00:02:56,544 --> 00:02:58,646
how you could do
something so horrible.
78
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:00,581
(speaking gibberish)
79
00:03:00,614 --> 00:03:02,316
And think you could
get away with it?
80
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:05,586
(speaking gibberish)
81
00:03:05,619 --> 00:03:07,655
Was that "scramble"
or "strangle"?
82
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:08,856
What are you guys
talking about?
83
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:11,359
You know very well
what we're talking about.
84
00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:13,494
Last week, you...
85
00:03:13,527 --> 00:03:15,162
I can name
Third World countries
86
00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:17,265
where stuff like that
happens all the time.
87
00:03:17,298 --> 00:03:19,600
What am I going
to do with you, Reese?
88
00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:21,269
I don't want to tell you
this is a new low,
89
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:22,936
because every time I do,
90
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,172
you take it
as a personal challenge!
91
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:26,206
You know what?
92
00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,276
I've just worked
my butt off for six hours,
93
00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:29,677
and I don't appreciate
getting yelled at
94
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:31,178
the second
I come through the door.
95
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,180
You're complaining?
96
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,716
No... complain!
97
00:03:35,749 --> 00:03:37,518
Yell... us!
98
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,353
Hal, give yourself
another minute.
99
00:03:39,387 --> 00:03:41,322
Or you both
could just shut up.
100
00:03:43,591 --> 00:03:44,692
Oh, boy.
101
00:03:44,725 --> 00:03:46,694
In this family, that's
what we call "the closer."
102
00:03:46,727 --> 00:03:48,429
We now know that
Reese is definitely
103
00:03:48,462 --> 00:03:49,963
not living here for
the next few days.
104
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:53,734
The only question left is
who gets to take the credit.
105
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:58,372
You're kicked out!
I'm leaving!
106
00:03:58,406 --> 00:04:01,208
Not if we get
to the doorknob first!
107
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,377
You're outta here!
I'm outta here!
108
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:06,414
Tie goes to the runner.
109
00:04:08,516 --> 00:04:09,883
FRANCIS (over phone):
They kicked Reese out again?
110
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,152
Yeah, we haven't heard
from him in two days.
111
00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:13,253
I'm actually impressed.
112
00:04:13,287 --> 00:04:15,055
Usually by now
he's eating cat food
113
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,324
off of Mrs. Harvey's porch.
114
00:04:16,357 --> 00:04:17,558
This is horrible.
115
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,560
How can they do this
to their own children?
116
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,762
Yeah, it's really
traumatizing me.
117
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,830
Don't they care
118
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,065
about the psychological
damage they're inflicting?
119
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:26,600
A home isn't conditional.
120
00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:27,435
A home should be
121
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,236
safe and secure and...
122
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,938
Roomy.
What?
123
00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,407
The point is,
I got kicked out when I was 15
124
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:34,842
and I never
got to come home again.
125
00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,010
They can't do this to Reese.
126
00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,580
Someone has to do something.
Someone has to stop them.
127
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,181
Am I the only one
who understands
128
00:04:41,214 --> 00:04:42,750
what kind of monsters
these people are?
129
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,818
I don't think this
is as big a deal
130
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,655
to the rest of the family
as it is to you.
131
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,423
(sighs)
132
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:51,091
Maybe you're overreacting.
133
00:04:51,124 --> 00:04:52,292
Overreacting?
134
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:54,595
Dewey, when you're older,
you will understand.
135
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,764
There are things in life
called priorities,
136
00:04:56,797 --> 00:04:59,767
which I will explain to you
in a few hours when I get there.
137
00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,936
Right now, I have to call Otto
and cash in some personal days.
138
00:05:02,970 --> 00:05:04,672
(huffs)
139
00:05:04,705 --> 00:05:06,507
Overreacting.
140
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,844
(knocking)
141
00:05:12,580 --> 00:05:14,515
Great timing. The
muffins just came out.
142
00:05:14,548 --> 00:05:15,983
Thank God you called me.
143
00:05:16,016 --> 00:05:18,952
I can't believe the hell
Mom and Dad put you through.
144
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:21,955
Hey, whose place
is this?
145
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:22,990
It's mine.
146
00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,858
It's completely furnished,
including cable TV.
147
00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,294
I told them I was 18,
so I got a two-year lease.
148
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,162
You're a banana-
walnut man, right?
149
00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,331
Reese, you can't live
in a place like this.
150
00:05:31,365 --> 00:05:32,366
Yeah, I can.
151
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,967
They were having
a move-in special.
152
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:35,168
First month free.
153
00:05:35,202 --> 00:05:36,370
It's only $375 a month,
154
00:05:36,404 --> 00:05:37,638
utilities included.
155
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,807
I can make my rent in a week
if I pick up an extra shift.
156
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,543
I should have done this,
like, six months ago.
157
00:05:42,576 --> 00:05:44,645
(knocking)
Hey, Reese, come on,
we're going to the roof.
158
00:05:44,678 --> 00:05:46,146
The nursing students
across the street
159
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:47,381
are taking
their cigarette break.
160
00:05:47,415 --> 00:05:48,549
I'm sorry, I can't.
161
00:05:48,582 --> 00:05:50,317
I'm having my brothers
over for breakfast.
162
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:51,318
Francis, this is Teddy,
163
00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,686
Lou, George.
164
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,756
Divorced, separated,
wife's doing the best friend.
165
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,725
Ex-best friend.
166
00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:58,892
Excuse me.
167
00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:01,228
All right, well,
you know where we'll be.
168
00:06:01,261 --> 00:06:02,863
Hey, is that a wedding ring?
169
00:06:02,896 --> 00:06:04,097
Yeah.
170
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,999
Start hiding
the money now, friend.
171
00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,334
Come on, let's go.
172
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:09,236
Oh, man,
this place is awesome.
173
00:06:09,269 --> 00:06:10,938
Reese, I know you think
this place is great,
174
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:13,106
but any objective
observer will tell you
175
00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,675
it's most certainly not.
176
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,843
Whoa!
177
00:06:15,876 --> 00:06:17,377
This place is awesome!
178
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:18,846
One thing's for sure.
179
00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:21,081
I'd never, ever leave
if I were you.
180
00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:22,082
So who's up for
some muffins?
181
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:23,917
I am.
Me.
No! No muffins.
182
00:06:23,951 --> 00:06:26,019
Reese, you can't just keep
playing house like this.
183
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,522
Mom and Dad did something
really horrible to you,
184
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,357
just like they did to me,
185
00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,426
only you can't let them
get away with it.
186
00:06:32,460 --> 00:06:34,394
You don't belong here.
You belong at home.
187
00:06:34,428 --> 00:06:36,029
All right, fine.
188
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,698
Tell me one thing
about my life
189
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:40,734
that would be better
if I was still at home.
190
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:45,138
I thought the "toilet seat
never needs warming" argument
191
00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,140
was pretty good.
192
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:55,315
Okay, the main thing to remember
is that a college essay
193
00:06:55,348 --> 00:06:56,917
is just like any other
essay you've written.
194
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:00,120
You know, like homework.
195
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,092
For one of your classes.
196
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:08,796
Come on, Ira,
I know it seems hard,
197
00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,564
but you just
have to get started.
198
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:13,233
Like, if you had to describe
yourself in one word,
199
00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:15,002
what would that word be?
200
00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,175
Ira.
201
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:25,946
Okay. There we go.
202
00:07:25,979 --> 00:07:28,115
"Ira."
203
00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,650
See? We started.
204
00:07:30,651 --> 00:07:33,420
Now, what else?
I don't know.
205
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,523
I'm not much of a
writer or a reader.
206
00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,490
I don't like words.
207
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:37,491
They confuse me.
208
00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:39,292
There's, like, hundreds of them.
209
00:07:39,326 --> 00:07:41,294
Calm down. You can do this.
210
00:07:41,328 --> 00:07:42,362
You know what?
211
00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,597
I'm going to say something,
212
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,198
and you just say the first thing
that comes to your head.
213
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:49,002
My earliest memory in life is...
214
00:07:49,036 --> 00:07:51,171
Blue.
215
00:07:51,204 --> 00:07:52,506
Thing.
216
00:07:54,241 --> 00:07:55,609
Blue thing.
217
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:57,778
Good, you can use that.
218
00:07:57,811 --> 00:07:59,212
Like, um...
219
00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,782
"Sometimes my childhood
220
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:03,951
"feels vague and distant,
221
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:07,955
like something draped
in a blue haze."
222
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,957
See?
223
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,526
Yeah. That's cool.
224
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,194
Okay, my biggest fear is...
225
00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,362
Spiders.
226
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:17,831
No-- waffles.
227
00:08:19,533 --> 00:08:23,871
"I let my fears wash over
me and I see that I am
228
00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:26,807
"imprinted with
a repeating pattern
229
00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,042
of optimism and despair."
230
00:08:29,076 --> 00:08:31,344
Hey, that's not bad.
231
00:08:31,378 --> 00:08:33,346
"I hope someday
232
00:08:33,380 --> 00:08:34,748
"to free myself,
233
00:08:34,782 --> 00:08:36,482
to find the one thing..."
234
00:08:36,515 --> 00:08:37,751
You're not going
to do anything?
235
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,052
You have to go
to that apartment
236
00:08:39,086 --> 00:08:40,419
and get him back.
237
00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:42,188
Look, that's not how it works.
238
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:43,390
Oh, I know how it works.
239
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,258
I was thrown
into military school so fast,
240
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,594
I still had shampoo in my hair.
241
00:08:46,627 --> 00:08:47,595
The minute
a child
242
00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:50,163
is inconvenient to you,
you kick him out.
243
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,432
Francis, this is really
none of your business.
244
00:08:52,465 --> 00:08:54,067
You don't even
live here anymore.
245
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:56,403
Because you kicked me out!
246
00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:58,572
And now you're doing
the same thing to Reese.
247
00:08:58,606 --> 00:09:00,107
Right now he's sitting
in that apartment
248
00:09:00,140 --> 00:09:00,974
with his cable TV
249
00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,176
and his huge stack
of video games...
250
00:09:03,210 --> 00:09:04,177
miserable.
251
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:07,180
If Reese is unhappy,
he brought it on himself.
252
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:08,181
Really? So what's this?
253
00:09:08,215 --> 00:09:10,417
Like the tenth time he's
"brought it on himself"?
254
00:09:10,450 --> 00:09:11,685
And let's see,
255
00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,754
Malcolm's "brought it
on himself" six times,
256
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:15,422
so with my 28 times,
that makes...
257
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:16,724
40 kick-outs,
258
00:09:16,757 --> 00:09:19,359
three different kids,
and the only constant
259
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:21,228
through all of this is you two.
260
00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,864
Francis,
that is not fair.
261
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,365
Maybe you just
don't like sharing
262
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:26,634
your house with your children.
263
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,636
So when's Dewey going
to "bring it on himself"?
264
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:29,737
When's Jamie?
265
00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:33,273
Where is Jamie?
266
00:09:34,842 --> 00:09:36,476
He's at
the babysitter's.
267
00:09:36,509 --> 00:09:38,712
Just till 5:00.
268
00:09:38,746 --> 00:09:42,282
MAN 1 (crying): Oh, for
the love of God, Carol,
269
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,717
leave me my dignity.
270
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,552
Okay, take my dignity.
271
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,755
Just let me see my kids.
272
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,760
MAN 2:
Just pull the trigger.
273
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:54,662
In one second,
it'll all be over.
274
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:57,631
Come on, stop being
such a coward and do it!
275
00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:59,599
Hey, Dave, is that you?
276
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,434
Uh... yeah.
277
00:10:01,468 --> 00:10:03,470
What channel
do you have on in there?
278
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,939
It sounds better
than what I'm watching.
279
00:10:11,511 --> 00:10:13,914
This is all...
280
00:10:13,947 --> 00:10:16,516
new to us.
281
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:19,352
We've never...
282
00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,588
examined our
parenting before.
283
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,256
It always seemed
to us
284
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:26,526
like something that should
just come naturally.
285
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,928
Yeah, everything
on the planet's
286
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,629
been having kids
for billions of years.
287
00:10:29,663 --> 00:10:30,831
I mean,
look at snakes.
288
00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:32,532
They never take
parenting classes.
289
00:10:32,565 --> 00:10:33,867
The world's
crawling with them.
290
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,136
How exactly did you
want me to help you?
291
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:41,809
Well, we have fallen
into a bad pattern.
292
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:45,545
Our boys misbehave
and they are punished.
293
00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:46,546
And then they
severely
294
00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:47,815
misbehave
and they are
295
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:48,982
severely punished.
296
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,719
And then they misbehave
in some outlandish,
297
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:54,722
jaw-dropping way where,
if we responded in kind,
298
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:56,456
we'd end up in jail.
299
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:57,825
We're at the end
of our rope here.
300
00:10:57,858 --> 00:10:59,192
Well, of course you are.
301
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,862
So, we were hoping
that with all your training,
302
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,364
you could teach us
some kind of subtle trick
303
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:06,366
that would stop them
in their tracks.
304
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:07,334
Trick?
305
00:11:07,367 --> 00:11:08,501
Yeah, you know,
306
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,070
some kind of secret
psychological thing
307
00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:12,906
that would get them to shut up
and listen to us for a change.
308
00:11:12,940 --> 00:11:14,341
Yeah, my husband's
getting older.
309
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,543
I mean, he can still
take them individually,
310
00:11:16,576 --> 00:11:17,978
but if they ever
team up on him...
311
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:19,980
Look, I don't think
it's a good idea
312
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:23,650
to treat kids like criminals or
animals that need to be broken.
313
00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:25,886
You've never met our boys.
314
00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:28,688
Yeah, you can't begin
to imagine the things they do.
315
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,858
I've been practicing psychiatry
for 40 years.
316
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:33,761
There's nothing you could say
that would shock me.
317
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:38,165
All right.
318
00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:40,734
Last week, Reese...
319
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:43,536
Oh, my God!
What were the cats for?
320
00:11:43,570 --> 00:11:45,272
We don't know.
321
00:11:45,305 --> 00:11:46,206
Give me a minute.
322
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,342
Now...
323
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:53,680
even in the most extreme,
breathtakingly horrifying cases,
324
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:58,018
there are some techniques
that can be useful.
325
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:01,054
Yes! See, I told you this wasn't
a waste of 90 bucks.
326
00:12:01,088 --> 00:12:03,523
Have you ever heard
of Active Listening?
327
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,025
No.
328
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:08,695
Most teenagers act out
because they feel no one cares.
329
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:11,364
With Active Listening,
you mirror back
330
00:12:11,398 --> 00:12:13,066
everything your child says,
331
00:12:13,100 --> 00:12:14,567
which shows you're
hearing them,
332
00:12:14,601 --> 00:12:16,636
and, by extension,
understanding.
333
00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:18,071
I know.
It sounds simple.
334
00:12:18,105 --> 00:12:20,808
But believe me,
I've seen it work miracles.
335
00:12:20,841 --> 00:12:24,211
Yeah, I don't think Reese
would respond to that.
336
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,246
You're worried
it won't help him.
337
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:28,215
Yes! What if it actually makes
it worse?
338
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,116
I don't think
339
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:29,950
I could stand
340
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:31,985
any more trouble
with him.
341
00:12:32,019 --> 00:12:33,987
Oh, this is so confusing!
342
00:12:34,021 --> 00:12:35,956
You're feeling mixed-up
right now.
343
00:12:35,989 --> 00:12:37,590
God, yes, I am.
You know, I'm usually
344
00:12:37,624 --> 00:12:39,259
so sure of myself,
345
00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:40,260
but this whole thing
346
00:12:40,293 --> 00:12:43,263
has just made me question
every aspect of...
347
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,400
Oh, that's good.
348
00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:50,270
Oh, that's really good.
349
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:52,739
"...I now realize
350
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,775
"that blue is not the
color of confusion,
351
00:12:55,809 --> 00:12:57,310
"but rather,
352
00:12:57,344 --> 00:12:59,112
it is the color of hope."
353
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,080
Yeah.
354
00:13:00,113 --> 00:13:01,148
That's it.
355
00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,450
Dude, the parts I understood...
they were awesome.
356
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:05,819
Great, well, now
that we have the
ideas all down,
357
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:08,021
all we have to do is put
it into the kind of words
358
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:09,656
that you would actually...
359
00:13:09,689 --> 00:13:11,658
Thanks, Malcolm.
You're awesome.
360
00:13:11,691 --> 00:13:13,793
People are going to think
I'm so smart.
361
00:13:13,827 --> 00:13:15,695
Wait! We're not done yet.
Hold on a second...
362
00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,464
Blue is definitely
my favorite color now.
363
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:27,107
Hey! Let's get going, Reese.
364
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:29,977
It's Ladies-Get-Free-Shrimp
Night at the Red Lobster.
365
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:31,611
Maybe I'll meet you down there.
366
00:13:31,644 --> 00:13:33,113
I got to get a jump
on my homework.
367
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,147
Hey, you already blew off
368
00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:35,815
Air Hockey Night
and Pot Luck Wednesday,
369
00:13:35,849 --> 00:13:37,284
but I was counting on you
for tonight.
370
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:39,853
I need someone to turn the
conversation to my tongue trick.
371
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,321
I guess now that I'm on my own,
372
00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:43,556
I just feel
like being more responsible.
373
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:44,958
Hey, I got three kids.
374
00:13:44,992 --> 00:13:46,293
You don't see me talking
about responsibility.
375
00:13:46,326 --> 00:13:48,195
Come on, I'm not taking
no for an answer.
376
00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,063
Okay, okay.
377
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,709
Mom? I have a problem.
I need to talk.
378
00:14:02,742 --> 00:14:04,144
Good.
379
00:14:04,177 --> 00:14:07,881
You can talk, and I will listen.
380
00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:11,985
This football player wants
to use an essay I wrote
381
00:14:12,019 --> 00:14:14,354
for his college application
and pretend it's his own.
382
00:14:14,387 --> 00:14:15,255
I know it's dishonest,
383
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:17,657
but I might be making
too much of it.
384
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,492
I wanted to get your advice.
385
00:14:19,526 --> 00:14:23,997
You're hoping
I can help you.
386
00:14:24,031 --> 00:14:26,833
Yeah, I just said that.
387
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,035
So, I don't think he should get
388
00:14:28,068 --> 00:14:29,669
into college
under false pretenses,
389
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:30,703
but are they really
false pretenses
390
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,073
if nobody thinks
he's smart anyway?
391
00:14:33,106 --> 00:14:34,107
I don't want
to be a part
392
00:14:34,141 --> 00:14:35,875
of his cheating,
but I also don't want
393
00:14:35,909 --> 00:14:37,844
to take away his shot
at going to college.
394
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,246
I just don't know what to do.
395
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,516
You're uncertain...
396
00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:46,186
what action to take.
397
00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:47,387
Yes!
398
00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,122
Why are you talking
like a robot?
399
00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:52,125
You want to know why I'm...
400
00:14:52,159 --> 00:14:54,427
talking like a robot.
401
00:14:54,461 --> 00:14:56,629
I have a problem,
and I need your help!
402
00:14:56,663 --> 00:15:00,133
All you're doing is mindlessly
parroting back what I say!
403
00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:03,736
You say one thing,
and I restate it.
404
00:15:03,770 --> 00:15:05,538
Forget it! If you're
not going to help me,
405
00:15:05,572 --> 00:15:07,307
you don't have to mock me!
406
00:15:08,275 --> 00:15:10,210
We do not come from
a family of criminals.
407
00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,146
You do not let him
turn in that essay!
408
00:15:13,180 --> 00:15:14,281
(sighs)
409
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:16,483
God, I knew listening
to our kids would be a mistake.
410
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:17,550
(phone ringing)
411
00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,119
Hello?
412
00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:20,220
Hello. Is this the residence
413
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,821
of the most un-nurturing,
callous parents
414
00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:22,922
in the universe?
415
00:15:22,956 --> 00:15:24,224
It's for you.
416
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:25,325
Hello.
417
00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:27,827
Hi. I just got off the phone
with your son, Reese.
418
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:28,895
It's been over a week,
419
00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,730
and you haven't
even talked to him?
420
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,265
Congratulations!
The fracturing
421
00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,467
of this family
is now two-fifths complete.
422
00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:37,337
Francis, this is a very hard
and complicated situation,
423
00:15:37,370 --> 00:15:39,839
and I don't need you
to yell at me right now.
424
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,442
There is nothing complicated
about it.
425
00:15:42,475 --> 00:15:45,012
Just go to his apartment,
tell him you love him
426
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,579
and ask him to come home.
427
00:15:46,613 --> 00:15:47,414
Are you nuts?
428
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:49,249
This is Reese
we're talking about.
429
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:52,119
So what?
Come on! You know
exactly how he thinks.
430
00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:53,753
If we show
that kind of weakness,
431
00:15:53,786 --> 00:15:56,356
it's like showing a hyena
the belly of an antelope.
432
00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:59,259
Reese will come home
with no limits
and no boundaries.
433
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:01,261
Within five years,
we will be saying
434
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,596
our last words to him
over a police bullhorn.
435
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,499
All I know is that you have
a child that needs you.
436
00:16:06,533 --> 00:16:07,367
DEWEY:
No, he doesn't!
437
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,536
He's happy where he is,
and so are we!
438
00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:10,603
Dewey, get off the phone.
439
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,272
(beeps)
440
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:14,274
Mom, I understand
what you're worried about,
441
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:16,709
but there is more to Reese
than you give him credit for.
442
00:16:16,743 --> 00:16:18,145
I wish I could believe that.
443
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,513
Honey, I got to go.
There's another call.
444
00:16:20,547 --> 00:16:21,614
What'd he...?
445
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:23,450
Hello.
446
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,152
Yes, this is she.
447
00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:28,721
This is Peter Noyes,
Reese's chemistry teacher.
448
00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:30,890
I'm sure you remember me
from last year's hearing.
449
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,659
There's something...
450
00:16:32,692 --> 00:16:34,794
new I have to discuss with you.
451
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:37,497
Oh, my God! What did he do now?
452
00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,632
Your son...
453
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:43,002
He got an "A" on his midterm?!
454
00:16:43,036 --> 00:16:44,204
They matched the handwriting,
455
00:16:44,237 --> 00:16:45,872
they had him reenact
the experiment.
456
00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,140
He did it himself.
457
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:49,576
Mr. Noyes said it's
the most remarkable turnaround
458
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:50,810
he's ever seen.
459
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,212
Wow!
460
00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:57,384
He also said that we should be
really proud of ourselves.
461
00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,189
Hey, Ira.
462
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,990
Listen, do you have
that essay I wrote?
463
00:17:04,022 --> 00:17:05,825
I just wanted to make
one quick change.
464
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:06,992
Yeah.
465
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,395
Here it is.
466
00:17:08,428 --> 00:17:11,564
The change I want
to make is this.
467
00:17:12,732 --> 00:17:14,501
Was it too long?
468
00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:15,667
No!
469
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:16,769
Listen to me, Ira.
470
00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,338
Everyone gives you breaks.
471
00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:20,406
Everyone does
everything for you.
472
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:22,509
You might think it's
good, but it's not.
473
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:25,345
They're telling you you're an
idiot, and you're not an idiot.
474
00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:26,546
You can write this essay.
475
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,181
You can write this
essay on your own.
476
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:30,183
Remember that story
you told me about
477
00:17:30,217 --> 00:17:31,618
the two-pound steak
you once ate?
478
00:17:31,651 --> 00:17:33,953
You thought it'd be
impossible, but you took it
479
00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:35,422
one bite at a time,
and you did it.
480
00:17:35,455 --> 00:17:38,391
You just need to do the
same thing with your essay.
481
00:17:38,425 --> 00:17:40,193
Okay, I'll try.
482
00:17:40,227 --> 00:17:42,295
"And then I pretended
I was Rocky,
483
00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:44,264
"and I told Mr. T, 'Go for it.'
484
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,233
"I really wished
his Mohawk fell off
485
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:48,568
"when he got hit.
486
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:49,469
The end."
487
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:51,904
Thanks, Malcolm.
This is the most words
488
00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:53,873
I've ever put together
in my life.
489
00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,475
Yeah.
490
00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,076
I-It shows.
491
00:17:57,744 --> 00:17:58,945
Mmm!
492
00:17:58,978 --> 00:18:00,247
This is amazing.
493
00:18:00,280 --> 00:18:02,549
I think the lemon zest
really brings it to life.
494
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,117
How's your dinner?
495
00:18:04,151 --> 00:18:07,086
DAVE (sobbing): I'm having
half-frozen Lean Cuisine.
496
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,456
Not much of a last meal,
if you ask me!
497
00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,124
(knocking)
498
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:14,827
What are you doing here?
499
00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:15,895
Can we come in?
500
00:18:15,928 --> 00:18:17,597
Sure. You want some dinner?
501
00:18:17,630 --> 00:18:19,098
No, but thank you, Reese.
502
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,800
Seriously. I just got
a convection oven.
503
00:18:20,833 --> 00:18:23,136
I can whip you up a frittata
in, like, ten minutes.
504
00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:24,271
(whispers):
It's spotless.
505
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:28,107
Reese, we came here
to do something.
506
00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:30,243
It goes against
all of our instincts,
507
00:18:30,277 --> 00:18:33,480
and even as I'm about to do it,
it doesn't feel right.
508
00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:35,815
But... it seems
our instincts aren't
509
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,917
very good lately,
so... here goes.
510
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:38,751
What is it?
511
00:18:38,785 --> 00:18:39,819
Reese, we love you,
512
00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:43,756
and we think you might be
better off staying here.
513
00:18:43,790 --> 00:18:44,757
Really?
514
00:18:44,791 --> 00:18:46,025
Honest to God,
you seem to be
515
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,194
doing much better
without us.
516
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:48,361
I mean,
let's face it,
517
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:50,330
in 17 years with us,
you have spent
518
00:18:50,363 --> 00:18:53,266
more days in juvenile court
than you have in school.
519
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,635
But now, after ten
days on your own, you...
520
00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:58,004
you're a functioning
member of society.
521
00:18:58,037 --> 00:18:59,138
Wow!
522
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:01,608
I must have
really changed.
523
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,811
I don't even want
to rub it in.
524
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:05,778
(door opens)
525
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:06,779
Mail call!
526
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:08,681
I confiscated your Victoria's
Secret catalog.
527
00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:11,384
A kid your age should...
Oh, you're entertaining.
528
00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:12,719
Teddy, these
are my parents.
529
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,787
Mom, Dad, this is
my neighbor, Teddy.
530
00:19:14,821 --> 00:19:16,289
Hello.
This visitation thing's
531
00:19:16,323 --> 00:19:18,425
a real pain in the ass, huh?
532
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,661
You know, this place
isn't so bad.
533
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:24,664
Next time we come,
we can bring some plants.
534
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:25,832
Sweet! Hold on a sec.
535
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,537
Hi, I just got
your Deluxe Platinum Card,
536
00:19:30,570 --> 00:19:32,305
and I want to
activate it.
537
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:33,840
"Two-four-seven-one."
538
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:36,476
Now, listen, I already
transferred a $3,000 balance
539
00:19:36,509 --> 00:19:37,977
from the Valley
Federal Card
540
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,812
over to my Spring
Mills Mutual Card,
541
00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:41,348
because I had
an $8,000 limit.
542
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:43,483
But since I'm already
bumping against that,
543
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,918
I might as well transfer
everything to yours,
544
00:19:45,952 --> 00:19:47,487
because it has
a $20,000 limit.
545
00:19:47,520 --> 00:19:49,656
Sure, I'd love to
talk to a supervisor.
546
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:50,990
Hey! I was on the phone!
547
00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,325
You've been using credit cards?
548
00:19:52,359 --> 00:19:53,660
How much have you spent?
549
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:54,994
Ten, 11 grand.
550
00:19:55,027 --> 00:19:55,928
But I'm still
551
00:19:55,962 --> 00:19:57,063
way under the $20,000 limit.
552
00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,332
How can you spend
that much in ten days?
553
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:01,501
Well, you know,
I got that new convection oven,
554
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,070
and that made the refrigerator
look kind of shabby.
555
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,838
Plus, I had to buy new clothes
556
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:06,939
every time mine got dirty.
557
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:08,341
And that giant gong
in the bathroom?
558
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,243
I mean,
how do you guys do it?
559
00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:13,012
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
560
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:14,381
Reese, I really owe
you some thanks
561
00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:15,848
for giving me some
faith in myself.
562
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,685
The next few days, I will
be saying very little.
563
00:20:18,718 --> 00:20:20,753
I will be deciding
on a punishment.
564
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,789
Ideas are already
popping into my mind.
565
00:20:22,822 --> 00:20:25,692
It's really very exciting,
but I don't want to get hasty
566
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:27,727
and leave either of us
feeling dissatisfied.
567
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:30,029
Ow! You're going to drag me
all the way home?
568
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,798
Well, we're taking
your ear there.
569
00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:34,867
If the rest of you wants
to come, that's fine, too.
570
00:20:34,901 --> 00:20:37,537
It's been almost a month,
and Mom's still coming up
571
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,205
with fresh punishments
for Reese.
572
00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,207
She says she's never felt
more creative.
573
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,975
She must be doing
something right.
574
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,744
He has a white streak
in his hair.
575
00:20:44,777 --> 00:20:45,712
Hey, Malcolm. Guess what.
576
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:47,414
I got accepted.
I'm going to college.
577
00:20:47,447 --> 00:20:48,781
Really? Which school?
578
00:20:48,815 --> 00:20:51,651
All of them--
A&M, Tulane, Georgia, Stanford.
579
00:20:51,684 --> 00:20:54,120
Full scholarships
and everything.
580
00:20:54,153 --> 00:20:55,988
Stanford liked your essay?
581
00:20:56,022 --> 00:20:58,825
No, I forgot to put it in
the envelope. I got in, anyway.
582
00:20:58,858 --> 00:21:00,827
But don't worry.
That essay didn't go to waste.
583
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:03,830
I handed it in as
my math midterm and got an "A."
584
00:21:03,863 --> 00:21:05,998
Thanks for making me believe
in myself, Malcolm.
585
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:08,768
You proved that I don't need
all these people helping me.
586
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:10,537
See ya.
587
00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:13,673
Stanford. Poor guy.
588
00:21:13,706 --> 00:21:15,575
I'll bet he doesn't know
it only has
589
00:21:15,608 --> 00:21:17,744
the third-best astrophysics
department in the country.
39556
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