All language subtitles for Malcolm.In.The.Middle.S05E13.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG

How was the park?

Oh, it was great.

We had a blast.

Hal.
I know,
I know, he's filthy.

I decided to let him
out to crawl around

in the dirt for
a little while,

he had so much fun

rolling around
with the other kids.

Lois, you should have seen him.

Hal...
Lois, you can't

treat the boy like
he's made of glass.

He'll be fine.
We can clean him up.

The important thing is that
Jamie and I had fun together.

This isn't Jamie.

Huh.

I know exactly who
I switched him with.

Hi there.

* Life is unfair.

Boys, Aunt Susan

will be here
any minute.

I thought I told you
to clean up the kitchen.

You heard your mother,
do it again.

No, no, no. Wait.

No one's
cleaning up.

If Susan can't accept
how we live,

she can just get back
on her high horse

and ride off to that sterile
tomb she calls a home.

Why is Mom always so
weird about Aunt Susan?

Dad used to be
Aunt Susan's boyfriend...

until Mom stole him.

But we
don't know

anything about it.

We also think Francis

is a year younger
than he really is.

Got it.
(horn honks)

There she is.

Sweet.

She brought the Mustang!
Oh, man.

Well, when you hang
on to every penny

until it screams
bloody murder,

you can afford
nice things.

I wish your father
and I were better

about that instead of
frittering our money away

on all the little
extras for you boys.

Susan!

I'm so happy to see you!

And I don't want you to worry
about your last phone call.

I've completely forgiven you.

It's good
to see you, too.

I guess the drive took
a little longer

than expected?

Well, lunch
will taste fine cold.

Hi.
Hi, Aunt Susan.
Hello.

Listen to the deep voices.

Unbelievable, Lois.

They're almost grown

and you're still
popping them out.

And this must be Jamie.

Hello, sweetie.

Hello, cutie pie.

Hi, Susan.

Hal.

Look at you.

You're such
a sweetie pie.

Uh, boys,
why don't you go get

Aunt Susan's bags out
of her fancy car?

That car
is outrageous.

Well, sometimes you just
have to treat yourself.

Oh, and I brought

a gift for Jamie.

Wow.
Susan, thank you.

After six months of shopping,
this must be quite a card.

Oh, it's not the card,
it's what's inside.

It's a $5,000
savings bond.

Well, I don't know
what to say.

It's going to mature

right around the time

he's ready to go off to college.

Someone should be
thinking of that.

Okay, girls,
this is the wildest,

most remote area
on the entire ranch.

You think
we can handle

a whole weekend out here?

Brittany and Ashley
want to marry you.

No, no,

you can't do that.

George! George!

I'm sorry,
we have to go back.

My ex-husband

is trying
to have my frozen eggs

fertilized by his boyfriend.

Come on, girls.

(all protesting)

Girls, Buttercups are brave
in the face of disappointment.

You know what?

You take the van back.

I'll watch the girls.

Are you sure
you can handle it?

Absolutely.
This is my backyard.

Besides, look at all
those merit badges.

ALL:
Can we?! Can we?! Can we?!

Well, they have been looking
forward to this for so long.

We'll be fine.

(cheering)

Where are we?

I don't know,
sweetie.

Mr. Mountain Lion
didn't give me

enough time
to grab my compass.

I'm hungry.
Yeah, well,

I'm going to refer you back
to the mountain lion thing.

Where are we
going to sleep?

Girls, please.

We have water,
we'll find shelter

and I know the land.

There's food all around us.

Look-- those are edible
fungi called truffles.

Those are deer turds.

Okay, well, we're all

going to learn
a lot this weekend.

That pasta
was fabulous, Reese.

How's Larry?

He won't stop
fighting with Mom.

The other day she
barged in on him

when he was
in the bathtub.

So he stood up,
yanked off her wig,

and dried
himself with it.

Very thoroughly.

(laughing)

That Larry's a keeper.

Yeah, it's so great he's
not a backstabbing weasel.

A weasel is
a horrible animal.

Susan, I've been thinking
about the gift you gave Jamie.

I know, Lois, and you don't
have to worry about it.

I brought gifts
for the other boys, too.

Yes!

Sitting here
looking interested

finally pays off.

No, Susan,
that's not

what I meant.

I'm uncomfortable
with the amount.

It's awfully extravagant.

Oh, you think
everything's extravagant.

Now, I know how much
little Dewey likes candy,

so I got him
a professional

cotton candy machine.

(gasps)

Susan, what are you doing?

We don't own a circus.

Well, now you can
feel like you do.

Now, I'm sorry,
but you two boys

are going to have

to share a gift.

I'm giving you the Mustang.

Oh, my God!
You're kidding!

REESE:
Thank you!

I never believed

anything Mom
said about you.

Susan, you can't
give them a car.

Mom, technically
this is a transaction

between Aunt Susan and us.

And I'm willing to hire
a lawyer to enforce it.

You want to go there,
I'll go there.

You know, Lois,

usually when someone
gives gifts,

people say thank you.

Well, I'm sorry, this...
sudden generosity,

coming from you,
is a little baffling.

Oh, I'm sorry that the concept

of opening your heart and giving

is so baffling to you.

LOIS:
I don't know,
some people might not

think of it as giving.

Some people might think of it
as just showing off.

Oh, here we go! We're only
three hours in, and we've

already received
our first visit

from the Queen Bee
of Moral Superiority.

Oh, and here's the victim,
right on schedule!

I became the victim
on my prom night

when I walked into
the garage and caught

my boyfriend having sex
with my sister

on the hood of my car!

(whispering):
Where do I look?

There's
nowhere to look.

Dad, please, you don't
have to do this.

We love this car.

We promise we
won't try to drive it

until you say we can.

You think your mom and I
were born yesterday?

How can you do this?!

Boys, please.

I know this is hard
for you to understand,

but you're just going

to have
to realize that

your mom and Susan are crazy.

The sooner you learn
to accept that, the better.

Okay, girls,

we got a nice cozy cave
to sleep in,

a big roaring fire...

I'd say things are looking up.

That isn't enough firewood.

You have to keep
the fire going

all night
to keep animals away.

Okay, Meagan, Kirsten,
go get more firewood,

and make sure it's not this dumb
green stuff Francis got.

Whoa, whoa, you girls
aren't going anywhere.

It's dark out there.

I'm in charge here
and I'm telling you to stay.

I vote Brittany
to be our new leader.

All in favor?

ALL:
Aye!

I accept.

Now you guys
get the firewood

and you guys move the blankets

to the dry part
of the cave.

What are you doing?
You can't change the leader.

We voted.

It doesn't matter.

Now I'm the grown-up,
so that puts me in charge.

All you girls,

you sit down, 'cause
no one's going anywhere.

* We are the Buttercups

* We're true blue

* We stick together
just like glue *

* We never doubt
what we can do *

* We're honest
through and through. *

I'm in charge.

I'm in charge.

This is torture.

The car's just sitting there
and no one can drive it.

Yeah, it's like that hot nun

who comes around
every year for toy drive.

You know what?

We're not going to let

Mom and Dad
get away with this.

Forget it, Reese.

Your bolt cutters
can't handle that lock.

And Dad's bolt cutters
are in the garage.

It doesn't matter.

You don't understand the power
of my brain, Malcolm.

It's like a deep ravine
that sits in total darkness,

but once in a while,
just for a moment,

a brilliant shaft of light
shines directly down into it.

And that is the moment I
will think of a genius plan

that will get us
into that Mustang.

So the only way for us
to get out of this situation

is dependent
on you being a genius?

Correct.

(machine humming)

Everything in my life
has led up to this moment.

So, where's Susan?

She said she was
out shopping,

but I wouldn't be surprised
if she was out right now

renting herself a car so we'd
have to accept her Mustang.

She's fully capable of that.

You know, honey,
you may want to...

Okay, never mind.

(phone rings musically)

Can you
believe it?

Classical music-- how
pretentious is that?

Well, we're just
going to ignore it.

I'm sure she has
voice mail, so we'll just...

LOIS:
Hello?

Hi, Susan, this is Dr. Dumont.

This isn't Susan.
This is her sister.

Excuse me?

This is her sister, Lois.

We just sound a lot alike.

You're Susan's sister?!

Yes.

Her birth sister?!

Yes. What's the problem?

The problem is you should
have been in here

six months ago
for a blood test.

Why? What's going on here?
What's wrong with Susan?

Your sister has
end-stage renal disease.

If she doesn't get

a donor kidney soon,

she's going to die.

And she told me

she was an only child.

Good news, girls.

It took me all day,

but I caught
two delicious-looking lizards

and the back half of what
I'm pretty sure is a gopher.

Meagan and Ashley built a trap
and caught some rabbits.

What's in the pot?

We found some roots
and grasses

to make soup with.

And we're not putting in
your gross lizards.

Yeah.
Yeah.

You can't eat that soup.

There's no way to know

if what you gathered
is safe to eat.

But we only picked things
we saw the bunnies eating.

I'm sorry, it's too risky.

What are you doing?

I'm going
to dump out the soup.

No, you're not.
It's our soup.

Okay, we've played
this game long enough.

I am in charge!
I am an adult!

And I also happen to be
much bigger and stronger

than you girls.

So if this is the way
you want to play this,

that's fine, but I...

ALL:
Get him! Get him! Get him!

(clamoring)

You are on thin ice, girls!

One more stunt like this
and I won't be responsible!

I am serious!

Look at you.

Now you're a sleeping sailor.

He can try on the rest
of his new outfits later.

You know, I really missed
the boat not having kids.

I got to admit, I envy you.

Is that why

you're not taking my kidney?
What?

Your cell phone rang
this morning. I answered it.

It was your doctor, Susan.
He told me everything.

How could you tell him
that I don't exist?

How can you not even
ask me for a kidney

when I'm probably
a perfect match?

What kind of weird
psychological issues

are making you do this?

Who gave you the right
to answer my cell phone?!

What is wrong with you?

If I give you one of my kidneys,
you can live.

Well, that's the moment we've
all been waiting for, isn't it?

The almighty Lois now has
the power to grant me life!

Don't mind me. Not staying.
Just getting an innocent

child out of the line of fire.
Enjoy your chat.

See? We're already gone.
Good-bye.

Why do you always twist
around everything I say

to make it seem
like I'm attacking you?

Why do you always
say "always"?

Do you have any idea
how stupid

that makes you sound?!

Don't change the subject!

My God, this is the apple
turnover all over again.

Don't you dare bring up
the apple turnover!

Oh, screw it.

I've had 15 years of therapy.
I'm better than this.

I'm talking to you!

I am not your puppet!

(quiet tapping)

What?

I know what
I did wrong, Hal.

I let her get away
too easily.

Well, I didn't think anything
was gonna be solved

once you got into who
your goldfish liked better.

You're right. Arguing with
her accomplishes nothing.

That's why I'm going to
have a judge

declare her
mentally incompetent.

That's never going to work,
Lois.

Are you kidding?

Any psychiatrist spends
five minutes with her

would say that she's crazy!

Lois, don't take this
the wrong way,

but when you two get together,

you don't exactly have
the high ground on crazy.

Well, what am I
supposed to do, Hal,

just sit back
and watch her die?

I don't know what to do either.

But Susan is an adult.

You can't force someone
to take a kidney.

Hey.

What do you think
you're doing?!

Savoring the greatest
achievement

of a life that so far

has had some
pretty mixed results.

Get in.

What exactly do you think

you're going to accomplish
in a car with no engine?

There's a kegger
down at the field.

They've been without
us long enough.

Reese, you're insane!

Yeah, you could make
an argument for that.

*

(lively chatter)

Hello, 24-hour party people!

Reese, you moron.

I can't believe you think
you're going to get away with...

Cool car.

'65 Mustang.

(crickets chirping)

(whispers):
Meagan.

Meagan!

Huh?

Shh!

I have something
very important to tell you.

What?

Brittany told me
that Donny Frost

said that he likes you,
but she won't tell you

'cause she thinks
you're stuck up.

No way!

And also, she said those shoes
she said were cute on you

aren't cute on you at all.

They're actually dorky.

Why would she say
such mean things?

I think it's because
she's a two-face.

But that's not important.

What is important
is that a girl like that

should not be the leader.

You should be the leader.

You're more honest
than she is and prettier.

Me? The leader?

Totally. Together,
we could make this

the best Buttercup troop ever.

All I need you to do
is untie my hands.

Okay.

You are not going
to regret this.

(groans)

(body thuds)

Buttercups are always loyal!

Think about that
while you're sleeping outside!

Yeah, driving's cool.

I do all my thinking
when I drive.

Of course, sometimes I drive
and I don't think, I just drive.

But no matter where I drive
or how much I drive,

I find that people
are still people.

That is so true.

Thanks for letting me
wear your jacket.

Sure. Let me ask
you something.

Do you remember last week
when I said "hello" to you,

and you said, "Look what's
trying to talk to me?"

Did I?

So, are you nicer to me
now because you realize

we have more in common
than you thought,

or because you find our
differences intriguing,

or because now
I have a car?

Uh, probably the car.
Cool.

Sometimes I love high school.

Hey, why don't we drive
somewhere

so we can have
a little privacy?

I don't see why
we have to drive anywhere.

It's a beautiful night,
I'm with a beautiful girl,

there are some beautiful bushes
over there.

I'll get some blankets.

Come on, Olivia.

You are a god.

A god of a special universe,

where no one thinks
of consequences

and where those of us

constrained by intelligence
and common sense

are not allowed.

But you have invited me in,
and from now on,

I will follow you anywhere.

MATT:
Hey, hey, hey!

There's cop cars
up at the top of the hill.

Everybody get out of here!

Move your damn car!

Uh, I think the battery's dead!

I'll jump it!

What are you doing?!

Come on, man!
There's no engine!

(sirens approaching)

Hey, somebody stole our engine!

Nobody's going anywhere
until they give it back!

I'm glad the cops are coming!
I want names!

I'm getting worried.

They're supposed
to be here by now.

(singing in distance)

* Val-deri

* Val-dera-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha

* Val-deri, val-dera

* My knapsack on my back.

Oh, my God! Francis,
are you all right?

What happened to you?

Nothing. It was great.

It's my turn to be dragged!

(stifled sob)

Dr. Dumont.

Susan, what a great day.

Yeah, dialysis. What fun.

Too bad I left
my party hat at home.

What are you
talking about?

We're not doing dialysis today.

You're getting
your kidney today.

What?

Susan, we talked about this

on the phone four days ago.

You agreed to do
the procedure today.

Your sister's already...

My sister?

You're not allowed

out of Post-Op yet.

Post-Op?

Yep. It turns out
I was a perfect match.

My kidney's in a cooler
down the hall.

You can either accept it
or throw it in the trash.

Oh, boy, this is not
going to look good

in front of the board.

Are you insane?

You had your kidney taken out
after I told you no?

HAL:
Susan, hi.

Look, I know you don't
care what I think,

but I have to let you know

that I am so happy that
you agreed to do this.

Oh, I didn't agree to anything.

My treacherous sister
has concocted

a gigantic tissue
of lies to trap me,

but it's not going to work!

What?

Well, she didn't...

Okay, for future reference,

this is the crazy thing
I was talking about!

I cannot believe
you would be so spiteful

as to let yourself die
after what I have done for you.

What you have done for me?

I am so sick of this!

You know, you actually have me
looking forward

to the afterlife.

Good luck. Dad's there.

Susan, please,
just take the kidney.

I don't want to lose you.

Okay, you know what?

Can you do me a big favor

and just stop pretending
like you care about me?

What? Susan, I love you!

Oh, please.
You never loved me!

You see this scar?

When I was six
and you were four,

Dad said we didn't get dessert
because we were bad

and you dumped his pudding
on his head and said,

"Yeah? Well, neither do you,"
and I laughed so hard,

I fell and hit my head on
the corner of the coffee table.

See those four freckles
on your left ankle?

We used to play connect-the-dots

and I drew a bunny
and you named it "Footy."

And this hole in my ear

is from when
you got Dad's tackle box

and you pierced my ears for me

because I was too chicken
to do it.

And that cap on your tooth

is from when Cindy Bauer
called me a bitch

and you beat the crap out of her

and didn't think
I ever knew about it.

And this is the scar
I got from the kidney I gave you

because I love you.

Don't you tell me
I don't love you.

Oh, for God sakes.

All right,
give me the damn kidney.

Thank you.

Don't get too excited.

You know you were always
the big one.

We don't even know
if it'll fit.

Hope you boys don't think
you're going anywhere.

Don't worry.

Until everyone who was
at that party dies of old age,

we have no reason
to ever go out.

Hey, how are you feeling?

Well, it's been three days.

Not so much as a thank you.

No, I meant the incision.

Oh. I'm still pretty sore.

Yeah, well, Susan may not
admit it, but she's grateful.

And if it's any consolation,
she took the kidney.

You won.

Hal, it was never about that.

Nobody won.

(machine humming)

Help!

Help!

Help!