Original subtitles

[whimpering]

HAL: Ow!

Ow!

[Hal screaming]

Finally.

All right, you stupid, useless old man.

There's going to be some big changes around here.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Hal.

Wake up. It's time.

Already?

The baby's not due for a month.

I told you it wasn't conceived in the elevator.

It was Dewey's parent-teacher conference.

Here, there's something in this one. Let's go.

No, Hal, I'm not having the baby.

We said we'd finish making out our will tonight.

Tonight?

I didn't agree to that.

Besides, how do you know you're not having the baby?

You're not a doctor.

Come on. I'll meet you there.

Hal, I have both sets of car keys.

And I took the seat off your bike.

Why do we have to do this

in the middle of the night anyway?

I will not have the boys see us writing a will.

If they start thinking about a future without us,

we'll totally lose control.

I'm telling you, Lois, we are not equipped

to deal with these issues.

We get into a giant, stupid fight

every time we work on the will.

Hal, last time we tried this was ten years ago.

And it led to a fight.

You called me thin-skinned and overly sensitive.

Hal, you can stall all night, but we are going to do this.

Fine. I'll get a pencil.

[sharpener whirring]

[sharpener whirring]

[sharpener whirring]

This pencil's too short.

Hal.

Oh, all right.

Just remember,

we're not doing this for ourselves.

We're doing this for the children.

What if there was a terrible accident and we had no plan?

Our poor boys would be alone and defenseless.

And I guess you kids

really didn't do any major harm,

so I've decided to let you off...

[grunting]

Okay, tangible assets.

How do we expect to find anything?

We just shove stuff in boxes.

Look, there's a fortune cookie in here.

Wait, here's something we already did.

This'll save time.

We already decided Malcolm

gets the coin collection.

Great. What coin collection?

You remember that proof set we had hidden in the closet?

The one that Dewey found and swallowed...

Oh, yeah, that was 500 bucks down the drain.

And not one dime in the strainer.

Whatever happened to the silver tea set?

The boys pounded it into a suit of armor.

Wedding china, antique stemware, hand-blown crystal butterflies.

Why did we even buy those?

Hal, we have fewer assets today than we did ten years ago.

We can't be this broke.

We just can't be.

Where are the bank statements?

Right here.

Checks and everything,

but you are not going to find anything helpful.

By the way, I would like it noted

that I tried to avoid this whole evening

because I knew this would happen.

Maybe in the future, you'll trust my judgment.

You spent $300 on sequins?

♪ And bad mistakes

♪ I've made a few

♪ I've had my share of sand kicked in my face ♪

♪ But I've come through

♪ And we mean to go on and on and on and on♪

♪ We are the champions, my friends ♪

♪ And we'll keep on fighting till the end ♪

♪ We are the champions, we are the champ... ♪

That was for the car.

And what about this?

$520 to the hospital for toy extraction?

Live, live, die.

Live,

live, live, live, die.

You know, son,

maybe you've been spending too much...

Silence.

Seize him.

All right, son,

I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed.

Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men.

Hal!

Why is this still here?

[screaming]

[weakly]: Ow.

Oh, my God.

Do you realize how much money we spent

sending Francis to military school?

That one we couldn't avoid.

He needed the discipline.

No! No, no!

Now we are going to do this until you get it right.

All right, now once more.

With feeling.

And...

♪ Candyman...

♪ Hey, Candyman

♪ Who can take a sunrise...

♪ Who can take a sunrise...♪

♪ Sprinkle it with dew

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh♪

♪ Cover it with chocolate and a miracle or two? ♪

♪ Candyman...

♪ Candyma-an♪

♪ The Candyman can...

♪ The Candyman can♪

♪ The Candyman can 'cause he mixes it with love ♪

♪ And makes the world taste good ♪

♪ Oh-oh-oh♪

♪ The Candyman makes everything he bakes ♪

♪ Satisfying and delicious ♪ Do-do-do-do♪

♪ Talk about your childhood wishes ♪

♪ You can even eat the dishes.

Why would a bank let us

keep an account this messed up?

There are checks out of sequence...

Look, a check from next year.

And this is two different checks taped together.

What difference does it make, Lois?

You know better than anybody.

We are in the crapper.

You sound like you're blaming me.

Oh, you're blaming me?

BOTH: We both agreed that you would be in charge of the finances.

This may be part of the problem.

Okay, let's forget about the finances.

"Property transfer to the surviving spouse."

We can do this.

I think that whoever goes first, the other one

is going to want to stay

in the house with the kids until...

What?

Nothing.

Why are you looking at me like that?

No, I'm just, you know...

just I've always known that...

you'll die first.

What?

And then I'll commit suicide a few days later.

I don't want to live without you, Lois.

What?!Oh, don't act so surprised.

We both know what I'm talking about.

No, I...

You're wishing me dead?

Why would you say such a thing?

Oh, and there is no reaction at all to my suicide.

Oh, that's a real eye-opener.

What makes you think that I am going to die first?

Honey, you just have that kind of personality.

You operate at a very high level of stress.

Are you aborigines?!

I have had it!

Fire? Fire?!

Whose damn dog is this?!

I said whose damn dog is this?!

This is the property line!

The property line! The property line!

You can't cross the property line!

Come out here and apologize to me like an adult!

[gasping]

Oh, that's real mature.

I can't believe that you are wishing me dead

and insulting my personality.

Calm down, Lois.

I am just pointing out

that I am the far more relaxed person.

[growling]

[yelping]

[screaming]

[bawling]

[all talking]

Get in the car and go.

[all talking]

Shut up!

I just don't let the stress get to me.

I haven't had any special training; it's just my way.

You are going to pay for this.

Oh, see, that kind of comment doesn't help anyone.

I'm sorry, I only just learned that I am a human time bomb.

And you're not the least bit curious

about how I'm going to do it?

Oh, you are not going to kill yourself.

You can't even rip off your own Band-Aids.

I happen to be very hairy, but this is different.

I have thought this through.

It is going to be beautiful and romantic

and it's going to make everyone forget about your stupid funeral.

Shh! The boys.

Ow!

Shh! You can't handle that.

How are you going to kill yourself?

You startled me!

Ow! Stop it.

Shh.

Ow!

Shh! How you like that?

Ow!

Shh! Ow!

Shh! Ow!

Ow! Shh!

Ow! Shh!

Okay.

I think we both have a lot to apologize for.

I am sorry for pulling your hair.

I'm not proud of the Dutch rub...

or the ear twisting.

See? We're back on the path to adulthood.

Let's get to work.I agree.

Let's stop and go to bed.

Hal, sit down.

We're past the worst of it.

Okay. In the event

of death of bothparents,

who do we want to appoint as a guardian?

My family's out.

Well, they're not going to my family.

Hello.

[explosion]

Ow!

Ow!

Ow!

Grandma.

Ooh, geez.

Shouldn't we have more choices?

Doesn't it seem if we die,

there should be more people willing

to give our kids a home?

[talking baby talk]

[screaming]

You want to see a strike?

Malcolm, what are you doing?

Look at me.

I'm the world's greatest bowler.

I care so much about bowling.

Bowling is so important.

Malcolm, come back here.

You want a strike, I'll give you a strike.

Here's your damn strike.

[all laughing]

[sirens blaring]

Where is he going?

[sirens blaring]

♪ The faster we're falling

♪ We're stopping, stalling

♪ We're running in circles again ♪

♪ Just as things were looking up ♪

♪ You said it wasn't good enough ♪

♪ But still we're trying one more time ♪

♪ Maybe we're just trying too hard ♪

♪ When really it's closer than it is too far... ♪

Wow. Nice.

It was.

♪ 'Cause I'm in too deep and I'm trying to keep ♪

♪ Up above in my head, instead of going under... ♪

Reese, that was amazing.

Listen, when the kids at school ask you about this...

...tell them I got under your bra.

Give 'em a reason.

REPORTER: The suspect appears to be resisting.

Oh. It looks like

they're taking out the pepper spray.

[Reese screaming on TV]

♪ Can you hear the drums, Fernando? ♪

♪ I remember long ago another starry night like this ♪

♪ In the firelight, Fernando

♪ You were humming to yourself ♪

♪ And softly strumming your guitar ♪

♪ I could hear the distant drums ♪

♪ And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar ♪

♪ There was something in the air that night ♪

♪ The stars were bright, Fernando ♪

♪ They were shining there for you and me ♪

♪ For liberty, Fernando

♪ Though we never thought that we could lose ♪

♪ There's no regret

♪ If I had to do the same again ♪

♪ I would, my friend...

[siren wailing]

Well, there's one bright spot in all of this.

We finally agree on something.

There's no one to take care of our kids.

You're not going to even mention Francis?

Let's go to bed.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Why won't you even consider it?

Hal, this is hard enough

without you getting us sidetracked.

This isn't about Francis.

This is about our children.

You know what I mean.

Why is Francis such a bad idea?

He's working, he's married.

He's showing responsibility.

Look, I will be the first

to admit that Francis was not the easiest kid

for you to deal with, but he has changed.

Oh, yeah. Big change.

He quit school, moved 3,000 miles,

and married someone that he knew for exactly 20 minutes.

You can't make life decisions

on a whim and be a good parent.

A good parent understands that actions have consequences.

Lois, we are parents precisely because we can't remember that.

You have never been able to give him credit

for anything good he does.

Good he does? Like what?

Like...

Look, I am not a performing seal, Lois.

I can't just bark out a list of good deeds

while you take a bow and throw me a mackerel

out of your fanny pack.

I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.

No, no, no. You can't get out of this

by playing the "my husband is crazy" card.

It didn't work with the airport security screener,

and it is not going to work now.

I am stunnedthat you are even thinking

of having him take care of the boys.

He's the worst-behaved of all of them.

I love you somuch.

Why don't you just admit it, Lois?

You have never liked Francis.

Is it any surprise

why he's been such a mess growing up?

You can't blame the way Francis is on me.

You-you honestlydon't see your part in all of this?

Parents' weekend at the military school.

You two got into a sword fight.

You dragged him

off the field in the middle of a tee-ball game

because you thought he gave you a look.

His first words were, "Youshut up."

Lois, you two have been at each other's throats

since the day he was born.

He started it. What?

Nothing. No, no.

You said he started it. What does that mean?

Just leave me alone.

How the hell can a baby start anything?

I don't know, Hal.

It's just,

everything started so badly

right after he was born.

What, the staph infection?

What does that have to do with anything?

I was stuck in a hospital without my baby.

Completely isolated.

For six weeks

all I could do was lie there and-and worry about him

and think about how much he needed me to nurse him

and to... and to hold him.

And when they finally

let me out, I run home as fast as I can

to take care of poor little Francis,

and when I get there, I discover... he's happy.

He couldn't have cared less

I was gone all that time.

You were taking care of him.

He was happy as a clam.

I was just an intrusion.

Honey, I had no idea...

I know it's wrong

and I know it's creepy

and I can't help it.

I'm the worst mother of all time.

It's just as much my fault.

We've just never gotten this right.

We are utter failures as parents.

I mean, look at this pigsty.

Look at how we live.

Why are we bothering even making a will?

All we can leave our children is misery.

We are a walking advertisement for forced sterilization.

Who are the idiots in Washington that allowed us procreate?

I mean, this family is an unmitigated disaster.

[groaning]

[thudding]Oh!

Aah!... Oh!

[grunting]

[growling]

[explosion]

Ow! Ow!

Oh!

[screams]

[grunts]

[screaming]

Eat chalk, evildoer!

[loud thump]

DEWEY: Ow!

I hit my head!

Ow!

Shh.

Honey, honey, calm down.

Let me have a look.

It really hurts.

It's bleeding, isn't it?

I know it's bleeding.

Dewey, what's 19 times five?

I'm in... What?

19 times five. Try to figure it out.

Yeah.Well...

Ten times five is 50, so...County or St. John's?

St. John's. Pediatric emergency opened again.

Okay, Dewey, everything's going to be fine.

Yeah, for Dr. Flannery. Please tell him

my son Dewey got a bad bump on his head.

My husband will meet him at St. John's.

They'll be there in ten minutes.

Okay, sport. Field trip.

[grunts]

Can I have a box of apple juice?

Oh, all we have is apple-cherry.

Of course that's all we have.

We're the worst parents in the world.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you just call my wife "wide ride"?

I get it. You got to make a big show for...

Now, you are going

to get up and apologize...

[groans]

BOY: All right, fight.

Get him, Dad! Come on.

Come on, work the gut.

Hold this.

[groans]

[crowd clamoring]

♪ All my life was a paper

♪ Once plain, pure and white

♪ Till you moved with your pen ♪

♪ Changing moods now and then till the balance was right ♪

♪ And you decorated my life

♪ By painting your love

♪ All over my heart

♪ You decorated my life

♪ Ooh, ooh♪

♪ Ooh, ooh.♪