Original subtitles

Malcolm, Malcolm, in school, we learned the coolest thing.

There were these people who did this broadcast

and convinced everyone that aliens were landing.

So, what we do

is we wait for Reese to fall asleep,

then we flash some lights outside his window,

and we go to the TV, but we'll have made a tape...

Dewey, you're totally overthinking this.

Reese, aliens landed down the street!

Every man for himself!

Oh.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Mom is coming home a week early from Aunt Susan's.

We did all right with her gone, but we still have

a couple things to take care of before she gets back.

Move it, move it.

Now, remember, boys, if you see the bobcat,

don't be a hero.

Stand on a chair and use your whistle.

Get out of here, Foamy! Go home!

You think she'll notice the grass fire?

Just remember, as far as we know,

Dewey has always been missing the tip of his finger.

HAL: Boys, we're home.

Oh, boys, I've missed you so!

Dad knocked down your bedroom wall.

What?

Honey, I-I know it doesn't look like much,

but this is just the beginning stages

of a major expansion.

I have conceptual drawings here.

Look, look.

See how it continues onto my hand?

It was going to be something really nice for you and the baby

with a window seat, and please just promise

you won't get mad and leave again!

Hal, I'm just so glad to be home!

Oh!

Ugh! My sister is the most obnoxious,

sanctimonious know-it-all I've ever met.

She spent every minute of my visit

telling me everything I've ever done wrong in my life.

It was just awful.

Tell me about it.

Dating her was the worst five years of my life.

Well, you know why she's like that, don't you?

My parents.

Susan was always the pretty one,

Susan was the smart one, Susan was the one with all the talent.

I was the one that couldn't do anything right.

Hal, it got me thinking about Reese.

As if you weren't feeling bad enough.

No, Hal, I don't think that we give Reese enough credit.

I think that if we gave Reese a little more responsibility,

he would rise to the challenge.

Now, I'm not talking about giving him

a key to the house, or anything.

I just think some encouragement would do him good.

Okay.[birds chirping]

Ooh.

Honey, come here.

The eggs have hatched.

Morning.

Dewey, Mom's home.

Huh?

Oh. Right.

So, it's going to cost

at least $800 to close up the wall.

I suppose I can go back to work at the drugstore.

Really? Yeah.

I'm sure I can stand

on my feet for eight hours a day.

And if you fall, the amniotic fluid

provides a great cushion.

We'll think of something.

MALCOLM: Hey, there's tons of stuff

we don't use in the garage.

Why don't we just put it out on the front lawn

and see if we can sell it?

You mean like a garage sale?

That's a terrific idea, Reese.

Don't you think that's a great idea, Hal?

Actually, I was the one...

And you know what?

You can be in charge.

You can organize the stuff, you can set the prices,

you can pick the date.

Why? I didn't do anything.

Reese, this isn't a punishment.

This is us demonstrating our faith in you,

because I know

you are going to do a great job.

We believe in you.

Don't we, Hal?

For God's sakes, he's my son.

I mean, I love him.

Just answer the question, Hal.

Who wants juice?

I do!

FRANCIS: You can't just sell all my old stuff.

Everything in that garage

represents a precious childhood memory.

It's a bunch of old magazines, a broken yo-yo

and a Rubik's cube painted all one color.

Well, you try and solve that thing!

I'm not going to argue with you.

You have ten seconds to come up with a good reason

to keep all that junk,

or I'm getting rid of it.

See, this is why you are a terrible mother.

Because everything has to be a competition with you!

Oh, it does not.

I'm hanging up!I'm hanging up first.

No, I'm hanging... Damn it!

You mustn't talk about your family like that, Francis.

There is nothing more important than...

It's a letter from our son, Rutger!

We must hide this immediately.

Why do you have to hide a letter from your son?

Otto, no!

What are you doing?

Nothing, because this did not happen.

Nothing happened.

Except for me telling you that nothing happened.

That happened, but only that.

Things will begin to happen again, starting...

now!

Oh, look, the mail came.

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Soon as the swelling in my ankles goes down,

I'm going to get right back to work with you boys.

Thank you, honey.

No matter what it does to the baby.

Reese, if you put the heavy boxes down first,

and thenstack the light ones on top...

It just kills you I'm in charge, doesn't it?

[glass crunches]

Oh, wow!

What's that?

This is the transmitter

from the pirate radio station I had in college!

It was only a couple of watts, but I brought the truth

to everyone within three blocks of the west side of campus.

Until the FCC

shut me down for telling it like it was.

And for not having a license.

See, the way it works...

I was just trying to be polite.

I didn't think you were going to punish me for it.

Hey, there, Sparky.

So, half the campus is

goose-stepping down to the bonfire

to be brainwashed by the Stepford cheerleaders--

the pied pipers of pep.

They want us to forget why we came to this institution,

but not Kid Charlemagne.

I am here to seek knowledge.

Let's get going, Hal.

And don't forget your head.

Righty-o.

I remember this toy.

I begged for it for months.

It was supposed to move and talk and learn my name.

But the stupid thing never worked.

Robot, robot, robot,

robot, robot, robot...

Okay, now I need a five-inch girder.

Coming right up.

Hey, look, my baseball glove.

Hey, look, my baseball glove.

Dad, is this yours?

No, it must have been my roommate's.

You know, I think it might be something...

Throw it out. It's garbage.

Reese, maybe we should try to find out what it is.

Mom!

Malcolm's not respecting my leadership!

LOIS: Malcolm, you respect Reese's leadership!

[glass crunches]

♪ Jeremiah was a bullfrog...

Ooh, come on.

Come on.

[static crackling]

[song continues over radio]

Yes!

He said he'd return.

He couldn't be silenced.

Kid Charlemagne is back on the air.

GRETCHEN: Otto always planned

that when Rutger finished college,

he would come out here und live with us on the ranch.

But instead, he insisted on going to medical school.

And when he was named chief surgeon of his hospital,

Otto was crushed.

It's so strange he never

mentioned any of this.

That is Otto's Teutonic pride.

He will never, ever show his feelings to anyone.

OTTO [crying]: Welcome to the Grotto.

I'm sure you will enjoy your stay.

[blowing nose]

And don't forget to visit the gift shop.

[crying]

Oh... perhaps tomorrow,

you would like to go horseback riding

on Uncle Otto's pony!

[crying loudly]

LOIS: Malcolm, dinner!

Hal, I'm not going to call you again!

There are so many things

the government doesn't want you to know,

and that's why they don't want Kid Charlemagne on this mic.

Do I love my country? Yes.

Do I vote?

I used to, until they moved our polling place

to the house with the big dog.

LOIS: Hal! I said dinner!

Kid Charlemagne is back on the air.

I think we should start the garage sale around 7:00,

because serious shoppers like to get an early start.

Unless you have a different idea,

which I'm sure would be great.

I was thinking 11:30.

So I could watch cartoons.

Oh, so you'll be

well rested and better able to focus.

Good thinking.

Where were you this afternoon?

I instructed you to separate the twist ties according to length.

He's been like this all day.

I was doing homework.

No homework takes more than 20 minutes.

Hal, what are you doing out there?

I've been gone for six weeks,

and now that I'm home, I barely see you.

I missed you, too.

Why don't I put on some music?

What is this childish need you have to defy my authority?

Bite me.Just when I was starting

to feel confident in my abilities.

Malcolm, I am sick of you always putting your brother down.

This is Reese's project, and you are going to be supportive.

HAL: And if the government doesn't have a car

that runs on water, then what are they

building all those dams for?

Reese is in charge of this garage sale,

and you are going to obey him.

No matter what he asks you to do,

you are going to do it.

But he's...Malcolm, you can either let him

be in charge of you for the garage sale,

or you can let him be in charge of you

every day for the rest of your life.

HAL: In case you haven't noticed,

"Evian" spelled backwards is "naive"!

Wow, it's like

that guy is saying what we're all thinking.

Hal, will you

turn that racket off?

Well, I guess I can't expect

a suburban housewife to understand.

Dewey, what are you doing?

A tennis ball doesn't go with the football.

It goes with the ceramic bananas.

This is stupid.

Why are we sorting everything by color?

Because I say so.

And because alphabetical order was slowing us down.

Us?

This better be good.

There'll be hell to pay

if Jellybean wakes up from her massage

and doesn't see me on the table next to her.

[gasps]: Oh, my God!

Is that a Nortair?

It's a Nortair 680b.

It's, like, the first personal computer ever made.

You have an interest in this type of stuff, don't you?

There aren't many of these left.

I'll give you five bucks for it.

Yeah, right.

I checked online.

This is in mint condition.

It's worth at least $1,300.

Deal. No take-backs,

double black magic, tap it, bomb it,

flush it down the toilet.

You understand it's going to take me a couple days

to get the money.That's exactly what I want.

I want you to buy it

this Saturday at our garage sale.

In front of everybody. With cash.

You're going to react in horror

when I tell you Reese was going to throw this in the trash.

And then you're going

to tell everyone they should

have listened to meall along.

You know, right now

you're sounding a lot like a James Bond villain.

Me? There's nothing wrong with me.

I'm fine.

And right.

And right!

And on Saturday,

everyone's going to know it.

Okay, but these revenge plans have a way of backfiring.

Word to the wise,

if you ever make someone an Ex-Lax milkshake,

don't do it on an empty stomach.

HAL [over radio]: Someone is looking down at you

from a satellite with his finger on the death beam,

and somewhere, someone is watching him.

But who's watching that...

[signal fades]

[siren whoops]

[gasps]

Oh, no! Oh, no.

[whimpers]

Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?

Certainly not for operating an illegal pirate radio station.

I mean, even if I did have the equipment in college,

I wouldn't have kept it and be using it today.

What's with all these questions, anyway?

Do you have a warrant?!

You ran a stop sign a half mile back.

What?

There's no stop sign back there.

It's at the driveway to the country club.

They just put it up.

That stop sign is a declaration of war!

It's for the fat cats

up on top of the hill playing golf

while us regular Joes are late for our second job,

or church or dinner with our families.

"Well, I'm sorry

"I missed Little Bobby's first steps, honey,

"but I had to come to a complete stop

just because those robber barons can't look both ways!"

Gretchen, what are you doing?

I was just going through some

of Rutger's things from when he was a boy.

[whinnies]

[laughs]

Boy, I don't remember that he was so fat.

[gasps]

Schlupi!

Who's Schlupi?

Otto and Rutger used to love Schlupi.

Otto would put Schlupi on,

and Rutger would laugh and laugh.

It was almost

like a little brother to him.

[laughs]

Schlupi could say all of the things that Otto couldn't.

Like, "Go to bed."

And "Behave yourself."

And "Take your finger out of there, it's disgusting!"

[laughs]

Oh, the love in that house.

And now...

it's gone.

Gretchen, I hate seeing you so upset.

You've got to talk to Otto about this.

There is no getting through to him.

He won't even admit that anything is wrong.

OTTO [crying]: Oh!

Oh... Oh.

♪ Oklahoma

♪ Where the wind comes sweeping down the plain ♪

♪ And the waving wheat...

So you have the money, right?

Yes. It cost me three Little Lulus

and a Captain Picard plate.

I hope you're happy.

I'll go get the computer.

You memorize this script.

Reese, that's a great idea you're probably having

to help that lady

who's trying to buy something.

Yeah, okay.

Can I help you?

How much for the vacuum?

That's a set. You can only buy that if you buy the lamp.

But I don't need a lamp.

Then you don't need a vacuum.

She'll be back.

And the lamp isn't going without the blender.

You've obviously put a lot of thought into this.

Where the heck does your father

keep disappearing to?

And then the stop sign army spring into action,

all in support

of the military industrial country club complex.

But that's not where it ends.

[feedback squeals]Ooh.

Okay, pay attention to this.

How many sides to a stop sign?

Eight.

That's just a little too close to the number of judges

on the Supreme Court for this citizen.

[feedback squeals]

Hang on a second, America.

[gasps]

[gasps]

Thank you very much.

That's mypiggy bank!

That was in my room!

Relax, dipwad. I got two bucks for it.

It had $16 in it!

Wah-wah.

Spilt milk.

Mom, stupid Reese just did

the stupidest thing to my...

You're as bad as Malcolm.

I don't want to hear any more complaining out of you

for the rest of the day, understood?

Now, go! Help your brother.

[scoffs]

Excuse me,

do you have a microwave for sale?

No, we...

Well, actually, yes.

Yes, we do.

Follow me.

Excuse me, Malcolm, it's me, Craig.

What's that you're holding in your hands?

You mean this thing that I've been trying to save?

That Reese has insisted all along

was mere junk?

Mere junk?

Why, your brother couldn't be more wrong,

nor you more right.

Please

allow me to buy it from you

for the princely sum of...

HAL: Come with me.

Dad, what are you doing?

Craig, get back here!

Mom... What are you doing with that?

I ordered you to throw this away!

Let go of it, you idiot!

Give it!No!

There you go-- $16.

Thank you.

Hey, is that stereo for sale?

Make me an offer.

HAL: ...because we believe in the Constitution!

We don't think that the Constitution

is an empty promise.

We believe in the Bill of Rights, don't we?

Well, I never understood

what the big deal was about quartering soldiers.

I mean, as long as I don't have to change in front of them.

It's the spirit of free speech!

It's the fundamental

freedom that thousands of men have given their lives for!

Hang a left here on Riverton.

MAN: Attention, you are conducting a broadcast

in direct violation of FCC Rule 27.

Pull over.

I'm not going down without a fight!

I'm the voice of the little man!

The man on the girder.

The man on the streets.

The man that fights The Man!

Oh, my God!

You're Kid Charlemagne.

Give it! No!

Let go!

Reese, don't, you stupid jackass.

You don't know what you're doing!

That is enough out of you!

Are you really so insecure that you can't stand

anyone else getting any attention?

Your brother has worked so hard

to make this yard sale a success,

he doesn't need you undermining him at ever turn.

Mom, you have to listen to me.

We have a Nortair 680b.

It's a type of computer

that was built in 1976.

There's only a few in existence.

And Craig is going to give us $1,300 for it.

$1,300?

Oh, my God.

What are you doing?!

I have a lot of things to sell,

and I don't have time to argue with this bozo.

I've got a Jet Ski

on hold, and the place closes at 6:00.

What are you talking about?

I'm buying a jet ski with my yard sale money.

That money isn't yours.

It's going to rebuild our bedroom wall.

But you said I was in charge.

That means Iget the money!

No, it doesn't.

Then why the hell would I want to be in charge?

Reese, this is helping you become a better person

by building your self-esteem,

which you are obviously going to need

if you are stupid enough to throw away $1,300

that this family desperately needs!

[tires screech]

I'm cooperating!

I never met this man before.

I hate the Constitution.

I hate free speech.

I'll snitch.

I know things!

What on earth?

Stop! Government agent!

Fare warning, sir!

Running adds an additional $80 to your fine!

Otto, come out.

I know you're in here.

This is ridiculous.

It's been three days.

Look, I know you don't want to talk about this,

but you can't just keep hiding.

Are you happy like this?

Don't I look happy?

[crying]

Gretchen is freaking out.

The guests are leaving in droves.

And Muffy wants her stall back.

You have to stop this.

There is nothing to stop, because there's nothing wrong.

Now go away.

Look, if there's one thing I'm an expert at,

it's pointless family conflict.

And if Rutger is anything like me,

you're going to have to make the first move.

That means you're going to have to deal with your feelings.

I can't.

[cries]

I know you can't.

That's why I want you to do something for me.

Hmm?

Look at your wedding ring.

Hmm?

Oh.

Schlupi?

Yes, Schlupi.

I think it's about time he weighed in on all this.

I guess I was a little disappointed

when Rutger wouldn't come.

And then

when the letters came,

it was so painful.

I couldn't bear it.

I love him so much, Francis.

And I swore that I would never do that to my son,

and now look!

[crying]

Rutger is such a wonderful boy.

He's so sensitive.

He's-he's so bright...

I'm going to get Schlupi a phone.

HAL: [groans] I'll tell you one thing.

20 years ago, I would have cleared that fence.

And the open manhole.

Oh, God.

How could I have been so wrong about Reese?

Hal, just say it again, please.

I really need to hear it.

Okay, okay.

Reese...

is hopeless.

Thank you.

[phone ringing]

Ah, sorry.

Hello?

Mom?Francis?

Listen, I've been doing some thinking,

and I just wanted to tell you

that even though we haven't always gotten along,

I guess you thought you were doing

what was best for me, and... well, I appreciate it.

Wow.

Francis, what brought this on?

I don't know.

I guess I just had a breakthrough.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about this thing

that happened in junior high...