Original subtitles

Boys... you see what I have?

This is a movie I asked you to return three weeks ago.

What if we want to watch it again?

I found it in the dishwasher.

21 days times $2.99 a day, that's...

$62.79. What?!

What is it going to take for you boys

to learn some responsibility?

You can't just go through life letting things slide?

Sooner or later, you are going to learn that...

Is it the tenth already?

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Mom's been at her sister's for a month,

resting while she's pregnant.

Things were kind of chaotic for a while,

but we've settled into a pretty nice rhythm.

Can I use a glass?

No. Nothing that requires washing.

Okay, let's clear the table.

Oh, I talked to your mother last night.

She misses you all very much, and she'll be home soon.

How soon?

A few weeks. (sighing)

Oh, and Reese, she wanted you

to sweep the leaves off the garage roof

when you get home from school today.

What? But today is the one day

that Alison's parents aren't home.

To interfere with our homework.

Reese, your mother... This isn't fair!

Mom can't control us when she's not even here!

Nobody is being controlled by your mother.

For instance, I'm inviting an old friend over tonight,

and even though we're never going to tell

your mother about it, it doesn't mean we're being controlled.

To repeat: Your mother is never to hear about this.

And you boys are just going to love Larry.

We were inseparable in high school.

But seriously, your mother cannot find out

he was in this house.

Dad, you're hurting me. Oh.

Sorry, sweetheart.

WOMAN: Malcolm... Stevie!

Hi, Mrs. Hooper.

Do either of you hooligans

know where my son, Dabney, is?

I don't know. He was excused from gym.

What is a nervous eyelid anyway?

It's an allergic reaction to either gluten, whey or air.

I suppose you boys are coming

to Dabney's birthday party tonight. Yeah.

Sure. Just a little reminder:

I don't want either of you

showing up with any punk hairdos or racy outfits.

BOY: What are you doing on the pavement, huh?

I told you to walk on the grass.

There's another guy

who doesn't let me walk on the grass.

Fine, you like the pavement so much, kiss it.

Oh, my God... Dabney!

You come away from there!

Did you make

eye contact with that big boy?

When you're in danger,

you tuck and cower.

I was cowering; he wouldn't let me tuck.

* I'm a little teapot, short and... *

Ow!

* Here is my handle

* Here is my...

Ow!

* When I get all steamed up

* Hear me... Ow!

* Tip me over and

* Pour me... Ow!

(phone ringing)

Not it.

Hello?

MAN: Hello. This is a recorded greeting

from the Malgacore Financial...

Hi, Mom. We're fine.

(drops slingshot)

Okay, I'll ask him.

Mom wants to know if you swept the leaves

off the garage. I'm doing it now.

(recorded message continues)

So Piama called-- she and Gretchen got to Tucson okay.

Tucson... the city that never sleeps.

They think they're going to have so much fun

but we will show them, eh?

Just us guys.

Where do you want your things, Otto?

Just put them in Francis' room.

What?

Oh, and Gretchen left this for you. Wh...?

Hold on. Why is he bringing your things to my room?

Because I'm staying with you this weekend.

I have not slept alone in a bed for 35 years.

You're planning on sleeping in my bed? With me?

It would be presumptuous of me to ask a guest.

"Don't forget to sweep the leaves

"off my roof 'cause I'm a mean old lady.

"Who cares if it's wet and slippery?

"The roof has to be cleaned

'cause I'm stupid."

(phone ringing) Not it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Mom.

I wasn't talking about her.

What do you mean "Mom"?

It's me, Francis. Did you page me?

Yeah, Reese is right here.

I'll tell him, Mom,

but does he really have to stay up all night?

Can't he fix

my bike tomorrow?

Well, you're right.

Saturday morning is the best time for riding.

FRANCIS: Okay.

Now I get it.

Just go easy on him.

You're a lot smarter than he is.

I've got to go.

OTTO: Whoo!

Whoo!

This floor is so cold.

Get me under those warm blankets.

Aah...!

Aah.

Aah...

This is sort of weird.

I haven't had a sleep-over since I was in the third grade.

I was at Jeffery Feldman's house and his mom, uh...

Otto, what the hell are you doing?!

I know, I am a notorious blanket hog.

(chuckles)

Mmm. (screams)

Otto! Ooh. Sorry.

Popsicle toes. (laughs)

(laughing playfully)

(Otto laughs, sighs)

(woman screaming)

MAN (on TV): Push! Push!

Look! I'm starting to crown!

(Dorene screaming)

DORENE: Get this horrible thing out of me!

(screaming continues)

Can he open presents now? Yeah, can I?

Oh, okay, but go slow.

We don't want to end up covered in paper cuts, do we?

Boy, this is such a great party.

It's twice the turnout we had

last year.

(mouthing words)

DABNEY: Can I open Grandpa's present

first, Mom?

Well, we might as well get that out of the way.

STEVIE: Whoa.

The XJ... 7000!

Cool!

What is it?

It's a paintball gun.

It's, like, the best one you can buy.

I'll take that.

But, Mom! When will your thoughtless grandfather learn?

These gifts do nothing

but overstimulate you.

And when the so-called fun ends,

you're left all red and giggly and up until 9:00.

Well, not this time.

Give it to Mommy.

(grunting)

That's okay.

I wouldn't know how to paint with it anyway.

Why don't you open one of my gifts?

A new hairbrush.

Thanks, Mom.

Want to give it a try?

Sure.

Count down from a hundred.

You boys can help.

One hundred...

99...

BOTH: 98...

97...

Oh, ha, ha!

Here he is!

Hey, you big jackass!

It was just Mrs. Haggerty turning around in our driveway.

So how come Mom won't let you hang out with this Larry guy?

Oh, she thinks he's a bad influence.

You know Mom, she's always

blowing things out of proportion.

Just like at our wedding.

Okay, he missed the ceremony,

but he did show up with these two totally hot...

Well, that's a bad example.

Oh, there was this time in New Orleans when we...

No, that's no good either.

Oh! Here's on.

Our families went to the same church...

Oh... well, you know your mother.

She just makes stuff up. (doorbell ringing)

He's here!

Dewey!

(rock music playing)

Hoo!

Oh, ho!

Pass complete! Larry!

Hal!

Man, you look like crap.

You, too, buddy. Come on in.

Boys, I'd like you to meet Larry Ross.

These are my boys. This is Reese

and Dewey. Malcolm is at

a birthday party.

So, you got custody, huh?

Good for you.

Little word to the wise, I heard, uh,

you should talk nice about the ex, even if she is...

No, no, no, no, no, I'm still married to Lois.

Oh, really?

Oh, yeah.

Well, that's-that's great, man.

That's-that's just great.

You know, there's a little bar down the way that...

No, no, she's out of town for a while.

Sweet! First beer, 7:04.

One of you kids ought to write that down.

(laughing)

Isn't he great? (laughing)

FRANCIS (to self): This is kind of a landmark night for me.

My first psychological trauma not caused by my mother.

But I guess I do owe Otto for everything he's done for me.

I mean, he and Gretchen have just been amazing.

Gretchen....

I wonder what was in that note?

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

They had to take that tractor apart piece by piece

to get it out of the teacher's lounge.

But you never gave me up, man.

(laughing)

What happened?

I mean, look at me.

Middle-aged, lousy job.

Dumpy little house that can't hold the kids I have

and another one on the way.

Don't get down on yourself, man.

The only reason you're a failure

is because society hates free spirits like you and me.

It's the price we pay

for being in the vanguard.

You remember the way Dawkins

screwed us over?

Who? Dawkins.

Our boss back at Carmello's.

You remember senior year, Labor Day weekend?

The kitchen flooded.

We spent the whole weekend cleaning it up,

and then he stiffed us out of 200 bucks.

Wait! Yeah!

(growls): Unbelievable.

200 bucks. I mean, you take that,

plus the interest over all these years,

we're rolling in it.

Boy, if I had that money right now,

I could afford to build a nursery.

Thanks a lot, Dawkins.

You want a nursery, Hal?

We could do it.

Yeah, I got a contractor's license.

We could add on to your bedroom here no problem at all.

What? You knock out this wall,

you extend out a little bit.

We could do the whole thing for cost.

We'll make do.

You're not being fair to the baby, Hal.

I know, but... Come on. Eye of the tiger!

We create our own futures.

Well, you know, you-you... you do what you can.

I mean, we'll be okay as long as we...

(crashing)

Oh, my God!

Now you're committed.

Let's get to work.

Larry, I don't believe you!

I invited you over for a couple of beers,

and you punch a hole in my wall?

This is exactly why

I haven't seen you in all these...!

That little bat did all that?

(laughing)

This is great.

Wait till Lois sees this.

Dad? I don't know what he did last night,

but there's no hot water,

and the toilet's full of sawdust.

Dewey, if Dad wakes up by dinner,

tell him I'm at Dabney's. DEWEY: Okay.

WOMAN (over phone): Good afternoon. The current time is...

Yeah, Mom. My bed's going in the sunny spot.

Reese's bed is going in the closet like you wanted.

This is ridiculous.

We're never going to make that movie.

I'm moving as fast as I can, okay?

He's doing a really good job, Mom.

You may want to give him a break.

Thanks, Dewey. You're a good brother.

She said no.

Don't you think it's

a little strange that your mom keeps calling

just so you can do Dewey's homework

and-and fix Dewey's bike, and move

Dewey's furniture around?

What are you trying to say?

It's obvious, isn't it?

She wants you to do stuff for Dewey.

Hey, if you want to talk to her about it...

As a matter of fact, I do.

Hello?

Yes, good afternoon to you, too.

Well, thank you,

but I really don't need to know what time it is.

Wait, listen to me.

Listen to me!

Forget it, there's no talking to her.

Good-bye.

Okay, good afternoon.

God, she's polite and rude at the same time.

Ow! Careful!

Hold still, Mom.

(knocking on door) This is a tough area for us.

Dabney, you get that. I'm going to go hop in the shower.

If that's the Thompsons, tell them to move their car,

then they'll get their cat back.

Hi, Malcolm. Where's your mom?

In the shower. Good. Then I won't have

to put the laxative in her tea.

We have to meet Stevie at paintball in an hour.

Malcolm, I can't go-- Mom and I

are going to put on our pajamas and watch videos.

Dabney, your grandfather got you this amazing gun,

and you have to use it.

Look, Malcolm, I know you think I'm a mama's boy...

No. Mama's boys are laughing at you with their mothers.

Come on, I saw the look in your eye

when you opened it.

Admit it. You're dying to do this.

You just have to break free from your mom.

Malcolm, you don't understand.

In exactly 17 minutes, she's going to open that shower door

and expect to see me there with a warm, cozy towel.

All right, let's go.

(snoring)

(loud gasp)

Oh, my God!

Damn it, Larry!

Okay, think, think.

How can I blame this on the boys?

Good morning, princess.

Larry!

What have we done?

I've actually made my crappy house even crappier.

Yeah, we got a hell of a lot of work to do.

You're damn right we do!

First things first-- we're going to pay

a little visit on our old friend Dawkins.

What? Did a little research last night.

Turns out he lives in a place called Carlson Estates.

Estates, man! Can you believe that?

He's living a life of luxury.

You... you don't even have a wall.

We're going to get this guy.

Larry, we-we have to fix this. This?

This is nothing. Two days, tops.

You lay your foundation here, zam!

Little electrical, zing, zing!

Put in a bay window, vrunt! You're done.

Now, let's go get Dawkins.

Okay.

Someone was out of bed bright and early this morning.

(chuckles)

Yeah, Gretchen left me a note.

Can't seem to find it anywhere.

I think it may have been

about your violent night terrors.

What are you talking about?

I don't speak terrified German,

but you must have been having some pretty horrific dreams.

That's ridiculous. I never dream. What?

I never dream-- I go to sleep;

eight hours later, I wake up with a slight sore throat

just like everybody else.

You screamed for hours.

I think it was you that had the bad dream,

but don't worry, I know just what to do.

I will give you a nice, oily massage before bedtime,

you will sleep like a baby.

HAL: This is going to be sweet.

LARRY: Now, once we jump the inner fence,

I'll take care of the dogs, you take out the cameras.

He lives in a trailer park.

Yeah, an awesome trailer park.

I mean, look at that double-wide.

You don't got a trailer like that.

All right, commando mode.

All right, you scale the side of the trailer.

See if you can get in up there where the paint's peeling.

Okay. All right, move.

What's going on out there?

Larry?

Hal?

Mr. Dawkins? Is that you?

(chuckling): What a pleasant surprise.

Come on in.

I just put some tea on.

(paintball guns popping)

Stevie, cover me!

(vicious yelling) (rapid popping)

I'm so glad I dragged Dabney here.

This is exactly the kind of thing he needs.

(guns popping)

(gun pops) (gasps)

Aren't I dead by now?

In the game, you are. (gun pops)

(whimpers) Dabney, just fire back!

Don't fire back. And don't move.

We're going to go get more ammo.

Get... up!

You have to shoot.

You have to do this. Mom was right.

I could be home watching Dark Victory right now.

You have to fight back! Just pull the trigger!

But there could be adverse consequences.

That is your mother talking!

Just shoot it!

If you want to be any kind of man, shoot it now.

(gun pops)

(gasps): Haul ass!

Brush your own damn hair!

(vicious yell) (rapid popping)

Get your own damn towel!

(yelling)

100! 99!

98! 97!

Aaah!

I call... Dabney's team.

(yelling)

The tea is great.

I wish I had more

to offer you, but the Meals on Wheels van

only comes around twice a week now.

No, this is fine.

You've been so... nice.

Can I ask you something?

See, Larry and I were talking

about old times at the restaurant,

and a certain Labor Day weekend came up.

Oh, you mean the time you boys flooded the kitchen.

Huh?

You two were doing chin-ups

on the water pipe.

Oh... yeah!

We busted it!

Larry, I think he's right.

Mr. Slocumb didn't want me

to give you your paychecks,

but I snuck them to your dads.

I almost got fired for that, but what's right is right.

Well, that was illuminating.

We now know the face of all evil

is a feeble old man in a trailer park

who whittles bird feeders.

Well, I hope we've both learned something here.

Oh, yeah.

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Eye of the tiger, Hal.

DAWKINS: Larry? Hal? Are you boys all right?

Yeah, Mom, he just finished digging

that underground fort you wanted.

I think you're going to have

a lot of fun in it. Give me that.

Honey, don't say anything. Just listen.

You were right. You're always right.

From now on, I will do whatever you say,

because I have been happier just mindlessly obeying you

than doing what I think I want

with any of my so-called friends.

I love you.

I miss you.

Here's Dewey.

Really, Mom?

You want me to cut Reese's hair?

But he loves his hair.

Okay.

This is so unfair.

Just get it over with.

Mohawks are kind of out, Mom.

What if I...

(phone ringing)

Do you hear a strange ringing, Mom?

You are so dead!

(screaming)

And the last thing I remember

is him shoving paint balls up my nose.

Good. Then let's just say that's where he stopped.

DORENE: Where's my boy?! What have you done

with my poor, delicate boy?!

Oh, my God!

This is your fault, you evil little Svengali!

I knew I shouldn't let Dabney have any friends!

Now, Dabney, where... Get the car.

We're going home.

Dabney, you've never spoken to me like this before.

Well, get used to it.

I'm not your little boy anymore, Mom.

I'm your little man.

Oh, my.

Oh...

Oh, Dabney. Oh!

(loud yelling)

(yelling continues)

"Dear Francis, to stop Otto's night terrors,

"just caress his Ohrlappchen.

Gretchen."

(yelling continues) His Ohrlappchen?

Please, please, please, please, please.

(quietly): Ah...

(sighs) Thank you.