Original subtitles

Here we go! Yes!

I win! I win!

I finally beat you in a video game.

In your face, Malcolm. In your face.

Dad, Dad... Yes!

The goal of Video Golf is to get the fewestpoints.

Oh...

Nice game.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

DEWEY: Give it! REESE: No way.

CRAIG: Okay, I'm going to do a load of colors,

then a load of whites,

so if you have any clothes in your room you want...

Craig's been over here every day helping out with the chores

since Mom went to her sister's.

It was two weeks before we figured out nobody asked him.

So Dad's in charge.

Ow!

Boys, quit horsing around and eat your dinner.

Ah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

Stop it! Stop!

Now we are at zero tolerance now!

Do you hear me? Zero tolerance!

You boys have got

to learn to behave!

From now on...

Who wants more mac and cheese?

All right. Move it.Yeah. Me first.

That is it!

Sit down!

Just because your mother isn't here

is no excuse to misbehave.

Now when I say zero tolerance,

I mean zerotolerance.

Tolerance

to the zero degree.

I'm talking zip, nada, zilch.

In terms of tolerance.

[phone rings]I'll get it.

Malcolm...Hello.

We are having a discussion.

It's Stevie, he needs help

with his math homework.

Go.

So if your want to derive wave maps in two space dimensions,

you have to make sure

you're talking about equivariant wave maps or else...

You can't keep calling me here.

I was guessing that you'd get to the phone first.

Nicki, if my parents figure out we're still going out,

I'll get totally nailed.

Then we'll never get to see each other.

I know it's hard, but we have to be more careful.

Well, I'm bored, and my dad's gone for a while.

I'll be right over.

HAL: Okay, that is it!

We are at zero tolerance now.

Zero tolerance!

♪ That's the night that the lights went out ♪

♪ In Georgia

♪ That's the night that they hung an innocent man ♪

♪ Well, don't trust your soul

♪ To no backwoods Southern lawyer ♪

♪ 'Cause the judge in the town's ♪

♪ Got bloodstains on his hands

♪ Bloody, bloody hands.

Yeah!

Fantastic.

Once again you two have blown off my socks.

Francis, meet my nephew,

Willy.

He doesn't speak English.

Hello.

Willy will be

staying with us until

his work visa gets straightened out.

GRETCHEN: Until then

we will get to hear

his wonderful playing every day, no?

Otto, let's get our sheet music.

We can do our duet of

"Don't Go Breaking My Heart."

Ja.It is not so much a song

as it is a lovers' conversation.

Come.

So...

how do you like America?

Well... nice to meet you.

[music patterns matching Francis' steps]

MALCOLM: It's so weird at my house.

Nobody ever answers the phone.

My brothers are seeing who can go the longest

without changing their underwear.

I never thought I'd miss my mom.

I still don't, but I'm getting close.

Well, it sounds like a drag,

but at least it's going to be over in a month or two.

Oh, by the way, did I tell you that my dad's

going to bring Trish to my birthday party?

Who's Trish?

Trish-- the woman that my dad has been seeing

for the past four months who totally hates me.

Malcolm, I told you about her.

Did I tell you my dad has taken away all my CDs?

He says it's because I play them too loud,

but I'm pretty sure I heard him

listening to them in the garage.

Malcolm, do you think for, like, once,

we could talk about my problems?

Oh. Okay, sure.

Well, what are they?

What are they?

I've been sitting here...

BOYD: Nicki?

Were you talking to someone?

Yeah, it's my secret boyfriend.

He's hiding under the bed.

Don't you want to check?

Why does everything have to be a snotty remark with you?

Well, according to Trish, it's the "normal reaction"

for not being the only girl in my daddy's life anymore.

Come on, Nicki, she was being nice.

Well, it's none of her business how I feel about anything.

She's not my mom.

Nobody said anything

about her being your mom.

Maybe it's time we talked this out.

Okay, what do you want to talk about?

How much Trish hates me?

You're not going to pick a fight to get out of this.

We're going to hash this out if we have to sit here

all night.

HAL: Boys...

Boys, come on, let's be reasonable.

This is no way to treat your father.

What kind of father are you?

You're nothing but a joke, and you're weak.

Oh, man, are you going to pay for that

when your mother gets home!

You still think Mom's coming back

after the way you screwed things up?

Dewey, what do you think

you're doing?

I'm lighting Dad on fire.

No way. I get to do it.

We'll all do it.

[whimpering]

[screaming]

Oh, my God, honey.

I just had the worst dream.

The boys just... I-I lost control of them,

and-and you were never coming home and...

It was just awful.

It's okay, sweetie.

Go back to sleep.

We'll spoon, okay?

Okay.

[gasping]

[music playing]

How come she's allowed to be naked

on the kitchen table, and I'm not?

Dewey, if a cop

tells you to do something, you do it.

[gasping]

What are you boys doing?

I told you to go to bed hours ago.

Actually, Dad, your exact words were just, "Go to bed."

You didn't say, "Go to bed now."

If you leave us a loophole like that,

I don't see how this could be our fault.

You have disrespected my authority for the last time!

I'm at zero tolerance!

I keep thinking that at some point I might be able to trust you boys

to do as you're told, but I can't.

Well, there are going to be some big changes around here.

Very big changes.

Now get to bed!

Uh, wait.

Um...

could you repeat that?

My mind kind of wandered toward the end.

Don't push it, Reese. You know very well what I...

[clattering]

[shrieks]

Hi, Dad.

What are you...?

Have you been out all night?

Trust me, it wasn't my idea to be out this late.

I suppose you were being held prisoner somewhere.

I got home as quickly as I could.

And besides,

what are Reese and Dewey still doing up?

Don't change the subject.

You crossed the line, mister.

And until further notice, there will be no TV, no computer

and no video games because I am at zero tolerance with you boys!

Is that understood?!

Zero tolerance!

What? Did you just roll your eyes at me?

As long as you are living in this house,

I demand your respect!

For what?

This house is a pigsty.

Everything in the fridge

has expired.

I found a piece of cake in the shower.

DEWEY: That's mine.

And now you're screaming at me because you can't control them,

and you know what?

I'm sick of it.Oh, well, if that's

the way you feel, you know where the door is.

I do know where the door is, and I know how to use it!

It's 3:00 in the morning.

Everyone's a little upset...

HAL: Then go ahead

and use it! See if I care!

Just turn the knob

and pull.

Oh, I'll turn the knob and pull.

Just watch me!

Turning and pulling!

I'm watching, but I don't see you doing it.

I amdoing it.

Turn. Pull.

And now I'm outside!

Congratulations!

Would you like me to close the door?

Yes, close the damn door!

Thank you!

Here comes the tearful apology.

Three... two... one.

[door locking]

So exactly how many militias is your dad in?

These are all of his Armageddon supplies

for when the U.N. takes over the banks.

Anyways, thanks for hiding me.

I don't know where else I could've gone

without somebody's parents turning me in.

Well, I'm gonna get some sleep. I'll bring you a snack

in the morning.

You know,

this is actually going to be pretty cool,

having you hiding up here right over my bedroom.

You're like my little secret.

Help yourself

to some snacks.

Just be careful of the trip wire.

There's darts tipped with...

Just be careful of the trip wire.

You kicked him out of the house?

Oh, please. He kicked himself out of the house, Craig.

Look, I've been through this before with Reese and Francis.

It never lasts long.

When Reese was kicked out, he spent the night on the roof

until he got into a fight with a pack of cats.

So that makes it okay that Malcolm spent the night

sleeping on a booze- soaked mattress

in some dark alley?Craig...

Oh, my God! He's probably dead by now!

Malcolm can take care of himself.

You're right, you're right. He's a genius, which would make him

even more attractive to rogue elements in our secret weapons programs.

How long before

some government scientist picks him up

and tries to surgically attach him to some animal?

[groans]

[piano playing softly]

[music patterns matching Francis' actions]

[music stops]

[music patterns begin again]

[dramatic tune playing]

Stop playing.

No more piano.

No pi-a-no!

Just stop playing!

Ich verstehe nicht.

HAL: You let me know

if you hear anything at all.

Oh, my God, he's been gone for over a day.

Where the hell is he?!

Keep it down!

The neighbors don't have to know our business.

How can you be smiling right now?

Because I just realized-- we have a free pass.

What do you mean?

Can't you see how guilty Dad feels?

He's not going to punish anybody else for a while.

We're bulletproof.

What are you going to do? I'm not sure yet.

This is a once-in-a- lifetime opportunity.

It's got to be perfect and huge.

I want this to be a statement about everything I stand for.

Okay, watch this.

Okay, I don't know what happened...

I know what happened.

You have been riding those horses too much.

We have an ointment, Francis.

You put it on your leistengegend,

and it will be as good as new.

OTTO: It's good stuff, Francis.

It's tingly.

Ja. Come on.

[Scotch tape tearing]

[staple gun clicking]

Excuse me. What?

Uh, your poster, it's distracting people

from my poster, and mine was there first.

So? It's not your tree.

Look, I-I'm sure that your dog-- Milton--

is very sweet and you love him very much,

but I'm looking for my son.

An actual human being

who's been missing for two days.

Now don't you think finding a lost person

is more important than finding a lost dog?

I don't know your kid,

but from the way my mom and dad talk,

your whole family isn't worth as much as my dog.

You li...

[chuckles]

What's your name?

Patrick. Patrick.

Let me tell you

a little something about your dog.

He's gone, see?

Some other family has taken him in.

And right now that family

is pampering Milton in ways you never even dreamed of.

So your dog already loves them

a lot more than he ever loved you.

And if you ever did get him back,

oh, he would just resent you

until he found some way to escape again.

So, why don't you just take the poster down, okay?

Take your poster down.

Your kid's probably in a crack house.

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

Ha!

[Hal shrieks]

[Hal panting frantically]

Hey.

I brought you some food.

I can't believe I'm being forced to live in an attic,

living off someone else's table scraps.

Do you mind if I sit with you for a little bit?

I'm really pissed at my dad right now.

You're pissed at yourdad?!

Could you listen for a sec?

My dad just told me that he's dragging me

on some camping trip with him and Trish.

I can't spend an entire weekend in a tent with that woman.

He provoked the whole thing.

He could've stopped me from walking out

of the door if he'd really wanted to.

Malcolm, I think it would be a really good idea

if you would listen to me right now, do you understand?

If you listen to what I'm saying,

then you can give it some thought.

And then we can talk it out

in a way that's going to help me.

And then I can do the same for you.

Then we could have

a conversation that actually matters.

No! He had to act like a bigman.

What was he trying to prove?

That's it.

That's what?

I can't take this anymore.

You are the most selfish, thoughtless person

that I have ever seen.

From now on, I am not your girlfriend.

You're breaking up with me?

You have killed

everything I have ever felt for you. It's over!

But, but what am I going to do?

I never want to see you again!

HAL [over loudspeaker]: Just come home, Malcolm.

If you want me to apologize, I will.

I was wrong, and you

were totally right about everything.

Geez, Dad, hold something back.

Who cares what started all this?

It doesn't matter.

I just want you back because you're my son.

And you're the only one in this family who has a chance

of amounting to anything.What?

[over speaker]: It's not true, son. I was just trying to...

[turns speaker off]

I'm just trying to get Malcolm home.

Ignore that last part, Malcolm. You're our only hope.

Please, come home. I love you.

[panting]

So my dad kicked me out of the house,

then Nicki broke up with me.

I don't know how long ago it was.

I can't remember if these mean hours or days.

That's Nicki.

[panting]

Did you hear that?

That's her talking.

What's she laughing about?

She can't be laughing.

She's not laughing, she's crying.

Just like my dad.

They're all suffering now.

[chuckles deliriously]

[music patterns matching actions]

Okay, Willy, here goes.

[speaking German]

Crybaby bastard.

[inhales sharply]

No, I'm not going to give you the satisfaction.

I'm not going to get mad.

[serene tune playing]

Okay, Willy, you want it, you got it!

Come on, Willy!

Make some music to this!

Where's your music now, Willy?!

Where's your music now?!

He was... playing music...

while I...

did stuff.

[choking]

[gasping]

[coughing harshly]

Okay, maybe Nicki could have at least left me a paper cup

or something up here.

[whimpering]: I just wish she'd come back to say hello.

I miss talking to her.

I was going to be her little secret.

[sniffles]

She's so incredible.

I can't believe she ever liked me.

I had Nicki and I had a family.

What happened?

How did it ever get like this?

My God, I'm horrible.

No wonder my dad kicked me out of the house.

I'm annoying and selfish.

Nicki and my family are lucky.

At least they get to get away from me.

I'm stuck here with myself.

Wait a second.

I don't have to be like this.

I can change.

I can totally change.

From now on, I'll just listen to what people say.

I'll be friendly.

I'll be considerate.

[laughs]: Yeah.

Yeah, I like this new Malcolm.

[sniffs]

[groans]

[distant murmuring]

That's her.

[panting]

What's she talking about?

That's a guy's voice.

There's a guy in her room.

A guy in her room!

NICKI: I am telling you

he is not here!

[yelps]

REESE: This moment has been

a long time coming.

The fruit of over two hours of planning and labor.

Thank you.

Try as I might, I just can't find a flaw in this plan.

Behold!

[grunts]

[Reese screaming]

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Stop it!

Dewey, aah!

Dewey!

Guys, come back!

For the love of God, help me!

Stop it!

CRAIG: Reese,

what are you doing?

[screams]

Whoa...

[water running, Reese sobbing]

Help!

Oh, why me?

[sighs heavily]

Welcome home, son.

Thanks, Dad.

Help me!

If it helps, this probably would have happened

even if Mom washere.

Someone, please!It does help.

I have to go to the bathroom.