Original subtitles

I can't believe we're locked out.

Mom won't be home until 6:00.

Hang on. I know how to get in.

Here it is.

I'll do it.

Thanks.

That credit card thing takes hours.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Why do you have to take your pillow to your sister's?

Well, Hal, I don't know how long I'm going to be there.

I want to be comfortable.

Well, what am I supposed to sniff while you're gone?

Mom's baby doctor is making her move

to her sister's house for a while.

Dad's starting to get used to it.

At least now he goes out to the garage to cry.

Aha! No coaster.

Look at that ring.

That is why I have to move out of this house.

Mom.

Every time you boys thoughtlessly

mar the furniture by refusing to use coasters,

what are you doing?

ALL: Killing the baby.

Killing the baby.

Every time you run through the house,

every time you destroy furniture,

every time you fight with each other,

you are killing the baby.

Lois, the doctor just said

you should avoid stress.

Which is just medical jargon for the simple fact

that every time you boys misbehave,

you might as well be taking a knife

and putting it in that baby's tiny little heart.

Will you stop saying that?

I just hope you boys have the character

to channel the horrible guilt you should be feeling

into better behavior while I'm gone.

We're sorry. Okay. Yes, Mom.

Oh, my God.

I don't think I can keep this up.

It's just a few more days until she leaves.

We can laugh all we want

when she's backing out of the driveway.

We're not really hurting the baby, are we?

Please. A week before you were born,

we tied our playpen to the back of her car

and followed her to work.

She's just trying to save face.

She doesn't want to admit

that we actually drove her from the house.

And now we're in charge.

(giggling)

Helga, this cheese is magnificent.

(laughs)

Would you like to try just a little bite?

No?

How could you not like cheese?

It is made from something that comes from you.

Hey, Otto.

Ooh. Francis.

Have you seen Helga's squeaky toy?

It's the one that looks like a little fire hydrant.

No, but I did get in the new branding iron.

Shh.

Do you want to scare the poor thing out of her wits?

Otto, I know how much you love Helga,

but we have to do this.

All the cows have to get branded and de-wormed.

I promise I will be very careful.

(fretful mutter)

But don't tell her about it.

You know, she is not as brave as she looks.

I told her one ghost story around the campfire,

and she had to sleep between me and Gretchen for a week.

(guitar strumming)

* And I don't give a damn

* About a greenback-a dollar

* Greenback dollar *

* Spend it fast as I can

* As fast as I can *

* For a wailin' song and a good guitar *

* The only things that I understand *

* Poor boy

* The only things

* That I understand.

(strums last note)

Yes! All right!

(laughter)

That little elbow move

you added-- where did you come up with that?

You got me. I was in the zone.

HAL: All right, all right.

Can we get back to work?

What? That was perfect.

Yeah. Yeah. Come on.

Really? Was it so perfect

that you are ready to go up on stage with it

at the Elks Club Founders Dinner?

(gasps)

What did you say?

I've been waiting to tell you.

I got us the gig!

Impossible!

They haven't taken a new act in years.

It's easier to get on the waiting list

for a new heart.

I know, but this morning

at the gas station, I saw Eddie Eigen.

He come up to me to say hi, and he slipped on an oil stain.

He can't perform.

You're kidding. No, I tell you,

it's like God backed up that minivan

over his ventriloquist hand.

So, Eddie uses

my cell phone to cancel with the club.

Two minutes later, I push redial and got us the gig.

(cheering)

You are the man.

NICKI: I cannot believe you don't trust me, Daddy.

I am not seeing Malcolm!

I don't even like him.

I haven't talked to him in over a month.

Nicki's such a good liar.

That's good in a girlfriend, right?

He is such a jerk.

I can't believe he's making us hang out in closets.

Once my mom's gone,

we can hang out at my house after school.

Thank God.

I can't get away with anything here.

You were with that girl, weren't you?

No! I was at the library studying.

HAL: You were supposed

to pick your brother up at school.

There were rocks.

There was a beehive.

But where were you?

You are not allowed to see that girl.

Her name is Nicki, and I'm not seeing her.

Every time you lie to me,

it is like you are digging a tiny little grave.

I am not lying to you!

(door slams)

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

(sirens approaching)

You know, Mom, you're looking lovely today.

People don't appreciate

how lovely you can be in the right light.

I'm always telling kids at school

that I have the loveliest mother.

I'll put on the coffee.

It's Henson.

Make decaf.

HAL: "A Day in Prison?"

We have no choice.

I am not leaving you here with Reese like this.

It just sounds so scary.

That's the point.

You take them to prison,

a bunch of criminals scream at them,

and they come home good.

Hey, they include a snack.

There you go, Helga. Almost done.

How's it going?

Just finishing the de-worming.

God, these fumes are horrible.

All right, let's get this over with.

Wait a minute. You didn't brand them first?

No. Why?

That'd be the main reason.

(whistling in awe) Wow!

The Founders Dinner.

Three hours from now, we'll be singing on that stage.

In the dessert slot!

You can't beat that.

No, you can't. Big time.

Dewey, I have to focus,

so I want you to sit and watch quietly

right over here.

Why do I have to be here?

Why couldn't I go snowboarding with Reese?

Reese isn't snowboarding.

That was just a lie Mommy and Daddy told.

Reese is in jail.

For how long?

A few hours.

Oh.

MAN: Since there was no contraband found on

or inside your bodies,

I think you're ready

to meet some of the inmates now.

This is Samuel.

I would tell you what he's in here for,

but it's against the law for me to say it to minors.

Be with you in a minute.

The ankles were a bit unnecessarily tight.

(sighs)

(clears throat)

(chains clanking)

All right, so we need

to get a few of the ground rules

straight.

I own you!

You are my property!

And you should know,

I don't take very good care of my things.

Stand up.

(shouting): I said stand up!

Turn around!

All the way.

Faster!

See that?

Like a little top.

Sit down!

See how that works?

'Cause in prison,

you got to make your own fun.

And when they toss in punk kids like you and you, whoo--

it's like Christmas for me!

If you displease me,

I will not hesitate to grab you by your pretty little neck,

just squeeze till your eyes

bulge out of your head,

and then pop them with a fork.

(laughing)

(gasps)

You think that's funny?

I thought you were trying to be funny.

So, I got me a volunteer, huh?

Well, let me tell you, cupcakes,

what your first day up in here gonna be like!

And don't expect no flowers afterwards.

Malcolm, we have to go!

I'm sorry, Nicki.

I've got to help my mom drop off the first load

of her stuff at my aunt's house.

There and back is like three hours,

but when I get home, I'll sneak over.

Malcolm!

What were you doing in there?

Finishing up my homework.

(banjo strumming)

* Charlie's wife goes down to the Scollay Square station *

* Every day at quarter past two *

* And through the open window she hands Charlie a sandwich *

(deep bass voice): * As the train comes rumblin' through *

Whoo! Whoo!

* But did he ever return?

* No, he'll never return

* And his fate is still unlearned *

* He may ride forever

* He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston *

* He's the man who never returned *

* Play that banjo, Steve-o

(banjo riff)

* Yeehaw! * Yip, yip, yeehaw!

* A-ha

* Or else he'll never return

* No, he'll never return

* And his fate is still unlearned *

* Just like Paul Revere

* He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston *

* He's the man who never returned *

* He's the man who never returned. *

(strumming final notes)

(laughter)

So, what'd you think, Dewey?

It's cool. It's fun the way you guys move. Yeah.

How come you're always in the back?

I'm not always in the...

Well, even if I am, it-it's not about where anyone is.

It's about what's best for the group.

Okay. Yeah.

Why is it best for the group

to put you in the back?

So, a three-hour drive.

Should be nice.

Uh-huh.

We don't get to be alone

that often anymore, just the two of us,

and I've been wanting to talk to you.

What are we going to talk about for three hours?

Sex.

(panting)

(door locks clunk)

Mom, don't do this! Malcolm, in a few days,

I'm going to be gone for a very long time,

and I need to know that you're okay.

We are going to have this talk.

I know about you and Nicki.

I'm not seeing Nicki! I'm not having sex!

I know about protection! I know all that stuff!

Malcolm, there's a lot more

to being a sexually responsible person

than what they teach you in health class.

It's very different when you're experiencing it yourself.

Mom, stop.

I'll do anything you ask.

Just don't have this conversation.

Oh, honey, it's going to happen.

(groaning): No.

You think I like it?

You think I like the embarrassment

we're going to be feeling for the next few hours?

But, Malcolm, I have no choice.

I cannot be there when you are having sex.

God! So I'm going to try to give you

the benefit of my experience.

I'm going to bury you with every piece of information I have.

I don't know what will be helpful and what won't,

so I'm just going to tell you everything.

Oh, my God!

The sooner we start, the sooner it'll be over with.

Now, this is a diaphragm.

Look, Otto keeps asking me where Helga is,

and I'm running out of excuses.

You got to tell him what happened.

I know. I'm working on it.

It's just a cow.

A cow that's in his will.

Francis, I've got to thank you for what you did to Helga.

My budget is really tight,

and getting a couple of extra sides of beef

really helped me out.

(laughs): And how did you achieve that smoky flavor?

That's great stuff, Arnold.

Ray's dad has a week to live.

Maybe you can do ten minutes on that.

Otto, I have to tell you something.

Francis, have you seen Helga?

No, I haven't.

It is not like her to wander off alone.

I'm starting to get scared.

Mmm!

This is delicious.

(chuckles)

Do you think

she ran away because she was angry with me?

I don't think so.

Well, I should have been there when you branded her.

I could have held her little hoof.

(chuckles)

(moans)

So tender, so moist.

You must try some.

(chuckles)

Mm-hmm.

(forced chuckle)

Look at me, enjoying myself while my Helga is out there,

alone and scared.

That is it.

I will go, and I will look for her,

and I will find her,

if I have to spend all night searching!

Otto, if I don't say this right now,

I am never going to say it.

Yes, go ahead.

Pass the béarnaise sauce, please.

FRANCIS (shouting): Helga!

Helga, meine Liebchen!

Helga!

All that crap you "tough" guys have been pulling,

well, this is where it's got you!

This is...

Are you paying attention?!

No. I just realized.

You're in prison.

You're locked up in here for life.

What do I need to be afraid of yo for?

Because the way you've been screwing up,

you're likely to end up in here,

and when that happens, whoo-wee!

You know, Sammy, you might want to have someone

smuggle some mouthwash in a cake.

(boys laughing)

Let me tell you what happened to the last guy

who made fun of me.

They found just enough of him to convict me!

Ooh! I am so scared of prison boy.

What are you going to do,

stretch out your arms 70 miles through the bars

to my house?

(laughter)

And if the sperm doesn't take,

the uterine wall sloughs off cells,

and that's what creates a period.

Women can be very emotional at that time,

but God help you if you point it out

because then you're creating two problems...

* Me-may-ma-mo- me-may-ma-mo-moo *

* Me-may-ma-mo-me- may-ma-mo-moo... *

I hope I don't get too nervous tonight.

Kitty bought a new antiperspirant

I don't have much confidence in.

No one will even notice ifsweat.

Since I'm (whistles) in the back the whole time.

I'm in the back for every song, you know.

And frankly, I don't think that's fair.

We all agreed on the choreography, Hal.

Where is this coming from?

From the back, that's where!

You have such a good voice.

Why don't you ever sing lead?

I don't know.

I was told I sound a little throaty

in my upper register.

Are you the leader?

Well, there's no leader.

We make all our decisions as a group.

I don't remember any "group" vote on these sweaters.

Hey, we all agreed on these sweaters!

You like these sweaters, don't you?

Yes, I do.

What's he going to say?

"My brother-in-law, who's the only reason

"I'm in the group in the first place,

picked out ugly sweaters"?!

Excuse me?! Dewey,

what do you think of these sweaters?

I like them. They're funny.

Oh, see?!

We're going to look ridiculous tonight!

HAL: Well, it doesn't matter

how I look.

No one's going to be able to see me!

Oh, for heaven's sake!

Maybe if you guys worried more about your voices

and less about your sweaters...

Oh, now you're criticizing my singing?!

Puh-lease. You can't say your name

without changing keys.

I think Malik sings beautifully!

Of course you do.

You're tone deaf!

Well, at least when I dance,

it doesn't look like I hooked my butt up

to a paint mixer!

Oh! Oh, that's it!

You can go up here without me tonight!

I won't be here either!

Neither will I!

Me, neither!

I don't know why it took so long

for the scales to fall from my eyes!

And to reveal you as you really are!

(all shouting angrily)

And believe me, it's a lot more sensitive

than most men understand.

A little bit goes a long way.

Helga!

Oh, we will never find her!

And it's all my fault!

(sobbing)

No, Otto, it's not. It's my fault.

I have to tell you this.

There was an accident, a tragic branding accident.

I killed Helga, and I fed her to you,

and I couldn't be more sorry.

What?

She's gone.

She's dead.

I don't think she suffered.

I'm sorry. I-I should have told you

right from the beginning, but I couldn't.

Let me tell you something.

You are the only boss I've ever had in my life

that I actually liked, and what's weird is,

you're the only one I've ever lied to.

I just couldn't stand the thought of hurting you.

Thank you for telling me the truth.

If you want to fire me, feel free.

Oh, no, no, no.

(sighs)

It was an accident.

I think we should try to put it all behind us.

I don't deserve a boss like you.

Let us go home.

Oh, Francis,

there is an expression that you used

that I am unfamiliar with.

What does it mean when you say "fed her to you"?

(vomiting)

(panting): Okay.

So, on the night I lost my virginity,

I learned something very important

about relationships and trust.

Your body can be telling you to do something...

I hope you all appreciate

what those men were doing for you.

And you might be happy to hear that in part

because of the fine work Samuel's done with this program,

he's getting paroled next week.

(mouthing)

Hey, I don't care if you get out!

You'll never figure out how to find me.

Jackass.

And people, they hop from one person to another

trying to get some sense of validation.

They do this all through college,

all through their twenties,

having all sorts of casual encounters.

And sometimes they even convince themselves

that the relationship is serious

because the sex is so great, but that...

Wait. Stop.

What did you mean by validation?

Validating what?

Well, sometimes people will attract other people

just to prove to themselves that they're likable.

And if that's the reason that you're having sex with someone,

you can cause a lot of damage.

But if you want to have sex with someone,

doesn't that mean you really like them?

Oh, no, honey.

That's exactly the trap people fall into.

You see, a lot of people...

(Irish music playing, shoes tapping)

(song ends)

That was cool.

How comes he doesn't dance as fast as you?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I said anything before.

Mm-hmm!

This is our shot!

We can't blow it like this.

The whole point of the Gentlemen Callers

was to have fun and help Malik tone down his drinking.

We're friends!

I don't even know why we're fighting.

(angry shouting)

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce an act

we haven't seen before at the Founders Dinner.

(moaning murmurs)

Simmer down.

Now let's give a warm welcome

to the Gentlemen Callers!

(applause)

Well, I for one, am a Gentleman Caller.

Uh, well, th-thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

The six of us couldn't be more honored to be here,

and we're going to sing a little song about brotherhood.

And forgiveness.

And friendship.

(crowd murmuring)

Whoo-hoo!

* Play that banjo, Steve-o

* Yeehaw!

* Now all night long Charlie rides through the station *

* Crying, "What will become of me? *

* How can I afford to see

* My sister in Chelsea?

(deep bass voice): * Or my cousin in Roxbury

* But did he ever return?

* No, he never returned

* And his fate is still unlearned *

* Fame and scandal *

* He will ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston *

* He's the man who never returned *

* He's the man who never returned. *

(song ends)

(wild cheering)

(laughing): They loved us!

We got more applause that the Whistling Whittlers!

Yeah.

Now everyone over to my house for pizza!

(all cheering)

How come you always go to his house?

Sometimes after a fight,

you feel closer than you feel when you're getting along.

Can I ask you something else?

Sure.

Well, sometimes when I'm with Nicki, I have this feeling

that she wants to be doing something else,

but I don't know what it is.

Then I try to guess.

Oh, that's never good. Yeah, suddenly it's like

I did something wrong, but I was just trying to help.

I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just sit there...