Original subtitles

Hey, Mom, I grew an inch!

♪ Life is unfair...

Stevie, come on. That's ten in a row.

I'm sick... of this.

It's important!

I worked my butt off to make the JV team.

I got to stay sharp.

Could you at least tryto block it?

Still too easy.

Can I put you on a ladder?

Come back, please!

I'll find us a ride!

Those concert tickets cost me $40 each.

That's two times 40.

Divide that in two, and it's $40 a ticket!

But it's not my fault I can't drive us.

You're the one who had his license taken away!

Because my public defender

wouldn't even try the insanity defense.

Well, you better think of something,

because if we can't get there,

then we're not going!

Don't ever date anyone smarter than you.

Okay, break's over.

Let's get back to work.

You take it out.

I want to work on my defense.

And this time, don't just sit there.

Try to move the ball around.

My... bad.

I'm sorry. I know I'm being a little crazy,

but for the first time in my life,

I'm actually good at something

that normal people care about.

Being on the team is the best thing

that's ever happened to me and I don't want to screw it up.

All I'm saying is that if we want to win,

which I think we do,

it seems to me we should be using an offense

that has a remote chance of actually working.

I can't be the only one here who thinks

there's something deeply flawed with your game plan.

I think if you thought about it for just a second,

you'd realize you need to make some changes.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Why can't I just learn to shut up?

We're... the same.

We speak...

before... we think.

LOIS: Malcolm!

How many times do I have to tell you to hang up your wet towel

after you've used it?!

Is that so hard?

Because if it is,

maybe we should just take your towel away.

And the next time you take a shower,

you can run around the backyard until you dry.

Gee, Mom, wouldn't the front yard be more humiliating?

Sorry.

And I don't want any...

What did you say?

I'm sorry.

Yes. Well...

I can see you boys are studying,

so maybe this isn't the best time to deal with this.

Do you want any sodas or anything?

You're sure you like your birthday present?

Dad, the boots are perfect.

They're just what I wanted.Listen,

they were really expensive, so take good care of them, okay?

I will. Don't worry about it.

Thanks again, Dad.

[sighs]

What the hell are you doing?

Piama, this is an old cowboy trick.

You soak your boots in water,

and you don't take them off, even for a minute,

until they are completely dry,

even if it takes days.

And when you're done, they fit like a glove.

I know it seems drastic,

but believe me, I know what I'm doing.

Those are $300 boots you just ruined.

I didn't ruin anything.

This is what you're supposed to do!

You're going to have to trust me on this.

Why do you always talk to me like I'm an idiot?

"...and everyone but the rabbit

lived happily ever after."

And the moral of that fable, son,

is that turtles are pathological liars

who won't give you their gold.

Got it.

♪

Dad?

It's like watching the gods return to Olympus.

Oh, uh, hello... excuse me...

Hey! What is this called?

We're racewalking.

I've never seen anything like it.

The... the style, the grace.

Well, it's not all just about looking good.

It's the best low-impact aerobic exercise ever invented,

despite what you hear from all those Tai-Chi punks.

Yeah, but how do you do it?

Well, the International Racewalking Federation specifies

you must have one foot on the ground at all times.

But...

And your front leg must remain straight

until it's completely under you.

Something like this?

Hey! I think you've got it!

Look at that, guys. I think we got ourselves a natural!

[giggles]

[all cheering] Wow!

Look at me!

I can walk! Yeah!

NICKI: So then what happens is

I'm sitting there eating my lunch when

Carla comes up to me and she's completely furious at me

because Cody dumped her.

I mean, yeah, I'm the one who set then up,

but does that make it my responsibility?

Why are you asking me?

I don't even know these people.

I know, I know. I can see her side, too,

but she was completely screaming at me.

And now I feel bad because she was crying,

and I just kept thinking,

"Did I do something so totally wrong?"

I honestly don't care.

My parents are going to be home any minute.

Can weplease start making out while we still have time?

Uh-uh.

Oh, Malcolm, thank you so much.

I'm so lucky to have you.

You make me feel so good.

Wow, this is fantastic.

I'm never going to say what's on my mind ever again.

All I have to do is keep my mouth shut.

Just not say a word and let her do all the talking and...

Dad, please.

The concert's Saturday night. I need a ride!

Reese, no!

Your mom has to work and my car's in the shop.

You'll just have to find someone else.

Are my hips even?

Watch my butt while I walk.

Dad, I swear to God,

if you don't drive me, I will leave home forever!

Or I'll never leave-- whatever's worse.

It's your choice, pal.

I think you're going to like this.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

I put it in my mouth,

your toenail clippings are in it,

I spit it out, and you've got it all on video.

It's been done.

I am so sorry about that.

But we've both grown up a lot since then,

and I have a proposal I think you might find interesting.

It's still warm.

Now, I know a hip guy like you

keeps up with the current music scene.

It's awfully short notice

and you're probably not even available.

What are you talking about?

There's a concert this Saturday,

and Alison and I were wondering if you'd like to go.

You want meto go to a concert with you?

Yeah, pretty much. But the real fun part

is the drive there and the drive back.

But I don't have to tell you, right?

I mean, look who I'm talking to--

a single, middle-aged guy with a cat?

You know all about the dating scene.

Well, sure, that's my rep, but...

I mean, it's not like you're even excited

to go out on a realdate.

It's not like it's something

that you'd be bragging about for weeks...

[laughs]: Of course not. I mean, who cares?

But... if people were to ask,

I'm not forbidden to tell them, am I?

Not at all. This is going to be great.

And you say I can tell people, right?

Hello, everybody!

Hey, Hal!Hey, it's "The Natural!"

I have to tell you, Hal, I've never seen anybody

take to the sport as fast as you.

What's it been, three days?

Already, you're better than I am.

Now, now, it's not about the competition.

I mean, it's not a race, right?

ALL: Whoa!

It's only a matter of time till we're surrounded.

Now, we've got to get word to Allied Command,

but any radio messages will be intercepted.

You think I don't know that?

I've sent

for our secret weapon.

[panting]

You called for me, sir?

Corporal. I don't need to tell you

the fate of the entire free world

depends on you delivering this message

to Allied Command by morning.

My God, that's 60 miles away.

I'll say hello to the boys at HQ for you

over waffles, sir.

Let's just thank God he's on our side.

Oh, my God, it's Wheeler.

He must be back from the Nationals.

On your left.

On your left![yelps]

On your right! On your left!

On your right!

[yelps]

Okay, just be cool.

No matter what he says, don't say anything.

How much simpler can it get?!

You pass, pass, pass, dribble, dribble, pass,

dribble, pass, shoot!

Um, excuse me, Coach.

Well, well, well... look who's here.

Coach, I'd like to apologize for the other day.

I'd like to get back on the team.

So, you'd like to apologize and get back on the team?

I think I just said that, yes.

Do you know what this is?

A symbol of my authority.

They don't just hand these whistles out to just anybody.

It means that I'm in charge.

I call the plays. Understood?

Yeah. It's amagic whistle that makes you all-powerful.

All right.

You're back on the team.

[panting]

Time!

25 minutes and 43.2 seconds.

Damn!

Are you sure you started it exactly

when I called you from work?

Yes. Do you want me to lie to you?

All right, go ahead and log in the time, son.

Hey, look, Malcolm, come here.

I need you to help me make sense of all these times.

Now, these are the last three days.

Some of these are with the cap, some without.

Some with bike shorts, some without; one with both,

one in just my pajamas.

So you can whip up

some kind of scientific analysis of all this, right?

Sure, I've only got better to do with the rest of my life.

Okay.

You're a good son.

By the way, how much allowance are we giving you?

What family do you live in?

Nothing, why?

Well, how does five bucks a week sound?

Great. Hey! [yells]

Dewey, he's older, and he doesn't give me as much malarkey

when I ask him for a favor.

Are you biting your nails again?

Those look horrible.

No. They're fine.

[doorbell ringing]

Look, I've only got two minutes.

A woman thinks I'm looking in the stock room for a humidifier.

Now, I want you to listen to this tape

and tell me whether you think it's better

to go ELO-Kansas-Doobies or Doobies-Kansas-ELO.

I'm not telling you which one I'm voting for.

What are you talking about?

The mix tape! For our date!

Didn't you get my e-mails or phone messages

or the notes I left under your door?

No, I have a lot of homework to do during the week,

and I can't really spend...

Look, just listen to it tonight

and get back to me with your top four choices.

Now, what do you think for a shirt?

I like the blue, but I'm worried

the open-collar look is a bit racy.

You don't have any pants on!

That's what these are for.

I want you to pick your favorites separately,

then we'll decide what goes together.

Whatever. [giggles]

I am going to call you a million times before Saturday.

I haven't been this excited in years.

Now I know why people look forward to weekends.

[giggles]

[alarm clock blares]

♪

[humming]

♪

[exhaling sharply]

[chuckles]: Oh, please.

[gasping]

[grunts]

You know, you're not finished

till you put those away and wipe down the counters.

Why don't I buff the floor

and lick your shoes while I'm at it?!

Yes, ma'am.

Look at me.

Are you on drugs?What?

You've been acting really strange lately,

and I want to know what's going on.

Well, apparently no one in this house can tolerate it

when someone's actually being pleasant!

Nothing.

Nothing?

So, everything's fine, everything's normal,

you're not acting any different, and I'm just crazy.

She's begging for it! Nail her!

I'm fine, really.

Well, you're looking a little tired.

Why don't you let me finish up?

All right.

Dad, please, it's been three hours.

Come on, Wheeler,

give me something.

What's your secret?

You're starting to ruin TV for me.

I study your moves, I copy your techniques,

but somehow you continue to blowme out of the water.

Why?! How?!

Maybe he's just better than you.

Have you ever thought of that?

Billy Vargas can spit

ten feet further than I can.

I accept that.

Why can't you?

Oh, Dewey, maybe you're right.

Maybe God didn't put me on this Earth to beat this guy.

I mean, look at him.

Perfect posture,

great hip rotation, his...

Wait a minute.

Both feet off the ground

at the same time!

Dewey, do you see that?!

That's air.

That... that's air!

That's it!

I'm going to go read a book!

I hope you're happy!

Now, since Jeanette got the T-shirt from my last 50K,

I think it's only fair to give you girls my socks.

[both gasp]

Oh, my God!

Sorry to interrupt, Wheeler,

but I thought we could have a little race.

Apparently, this man's a lot like you girls--

you all can't get enough of looking at my backside.

[laughter]

This shouldn't take long.

Oh, and just one more thing.

This time, just to be different, let's...

walk.

What are you talking about?

You thought no one would discover

your dirty little secret, didn't you?

That clever little

flail of the wrist every four steps,

masking the hop.

[crowd gasps]

But you can't fool the tape.

The tape sees all, and I see the tape.

You are not a racewalker at all.

You're nothing but a common jogger.

[crowd gasps]

That is so rid...

Don't worry.

He won't get far.

[crowd cheering]

One-two-three, there! One-two-three, there!

One-two-three, there!

[screaming]

[screaming]

[screaming]

[grunting]

So, then, when I was 13,

I got my first velour shirt, and everything changed.

Suddenly, there was an opening in the astronomy club.

People started sitting on my side of the bus.

But I'm a Libra, so I like to think

the best of people.

So, Craig, I was telling Alison

how well you focus on your driving.

No, you were just telling me

that if I really loved you, I'd let you get under my...

So, you guys like to take long walks on the beach?

I sure do.

Plus, I'm a grand master at Battleship.

I've got the hat if you'd like to see it.

So, Ali, do you have any brothers or sisters?

What do you think you're doing?!

You don't talk to me. You just start kissing?

I am a person, and I deserve

some conversation and some of the social niceties

before the kissing starts.

You know what, I was okay when he pulled over twice

to change his shirt, but I really don't think

he should be yelling at me.

Okay, don't freak out. I can handle this.

My family kind of owns him.

You know, Craig, another thing girls really like

is the strong, silent type.

Craig, Craig, you just passed the concert!

Oh, no, I don't think so.

But there was a sign, and it had an arrow,

and we're supposed to follow the pointy end!

Oh, come on.

There's other fun things we can do.

I thought we'd start with a hayride,

and then a light dinner at Cicero's.

I've already tipped the violinist

to drop by our table, for the lady.

Then I thought we'd cap off the evening

with a nice, romantic bonfire at the lake.

Craig, you are ruining our date!

[tires screech]

Now, listen here!

Do you know how long

I have dreamed and planned for this night?

34 years!

And I am not going to let you little brats ruin it!

We are going to have a hayride and dinner and a bonfire,

and this is going to be a magical evening

that will live in our hearts forever!

What's that on your glasses?

What?

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

Reese, you said she'd be nice to me!

You said she'd like me! [sobbing]

Yeah, let's ditch this loser.

Okay, okay.

See you at school.

CRAIG [sobbing]: Why?

Well, as you can see,

Miss Doubting Piama, it may have taken

days and days of wearing sopping wet boots,

but they are now snug, supple and perfectly form-fitting.

You were right, honey.

Which would also make you...

Mistaken.

You know, I could

push for a more abject admission of your wrongness,

but I'm going to be a bigger man.

With better boots.

Call me when you get tired of this.

Could be late.

[door closes]

Oh...!

If I hold out for a few days,

maybe the fungus will eat the mushrooms.

How can we be losing to a team

that hasn't won a game in three years?!

Maybe because you're a complete moron!

You know I can shoot!

Why won't you put me in?!

For God's sake, that's it.

Time-out!

All right, everybody up, come on!

All right,

you yo-yos.

Do you want to know why we can't beat this team?

Because you're not letting anyone shoot!

We're just passing the ball back and forth!

Nobody on this team has any heart.

Not a man.

You know, when the Allies first hit the beach at Iwo Jima,

they didn't have better weapons than the Germans.

They had something more than firepower.

Have you completely lost your mind?!

Put me in!

Let me shoot... the... ball!

Not one of you has been able to forget

about the water in your boots, or the sand in your mess kit

long enough to focus on the success of the entire unit!

[distorted]: Tell him to shut up and put you in.

Tell him, tell him!

Malcolm... do you think youcan follow my game plan?

No, because you're a freakin' idiot.

I hate you.

I want to kill you and dance on your shallow grave.

That's my game plan.

All right, get in there.

Thanks.

A peptic ulcer?

How did you manage to get a peptic ulcer?

The doctor said you have the stomach lining

of a 60-year-old air traffic controller.

You are a teenager, for God's sake.

What do you have to be stressed about?!

For your information,

I just spent the past three hours on a gurney

next to a guy who is still trying to smoke

out of the hole in his neck.

And the jackass who put in this I.V.

couldn't find a vein with two hands and a flashlight!

My call button doesn't work!

These stupid sheets are itchy.

There's only one channel on the TV.

And what's this about a bedpan?!

This is great, isn't it?

Alison's nice, but I have to say

I think a date's better with just two people.

Can we stop calling this a date?

Well, whatever it is,

I can't wait to see the look on my neighbor's face

when I come strolling home after 11:00.

Eat your heart out, Mrs. Klevesahl.

I think I just missed my curfew.

There are no curfews on a night like tonight.

[playing chords]

♪ Here I am, the one that you love ♪

♪ Asking for another day

♪ Understand the one that you love ♪

♪ Loves you in so many ways...