Original subtitles

NEWSMAN [over TV]: That's a doggone good deal.

And now here's Chip with the weather.

CHIP: Bad news, folks.

Looks like the downpour is going to continue through the weekend.

Up to two inches of rainfall...

It's not raining.

[sighs]

Don't forget those umbrellas and galoshes...

[groaning]

NEWSWOMAN: ...and the three unidentified boys

fled the scene on foot as hundreds of helpless spectators

could only look on in horror.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

It's amazing all the different kinds of kids

you meet when you're tutoring after school.

In the last six weeks alone,

I've met morons, idiots, lunkheads, jackasses

and one imbecile.

My mom's making me do a job where I use my brain.

I'll tell you one thing.

When I have kids...

they're really going to suffer.

Stupid job. I spend my free time trying to teach...

You're Nicki?

Hi.

This doesn't make her right.

♪

♪ Lock you inside, every day and every night ♪

♪ Oh, girl, and here is the soul of which you've taken control ♪

♪ Can't you see I'm trying to show ♪

♪ Love is all right?

♪ Oh, show and tell

♪ Just a game I play, when I want to say... ♪

Boys will be home in ten minutes.

I'm willing to accept that challenge.

No, Hal.

I just went to the doctor.

I have a low-grade infection.

I have to take antibiotics.

And...

we can't have sex for a week.

What?

Not until I finish these.

Okay, okay, let's try to look at this rationally.

What would happen if you took them all at once?

No, Hal.

Or, or... what if we alternated?

One day off, one day on.

I'm not a medical doctor, but I think it would be

a lot less of a shock to your system.

A week, Hal.

No sex for a week.

Wow!

[whimpering]

All right, I'm fine.

I'll just... uh...

I'll go mow the lawn.

Do we still have that mower?

Hal? Huh?

Clothes.

Oh, right.

♪

Hey, watch where you're driving, you butt-wipe!

What'd you say?

Nothing.

Better watch yourself, jerk-wad.

I'll kick your butt.

Yeah, well, I wish I had a car like that!

Thank you so much for the work that you did last week.

Now, I insist that you take this.

Thank you.

What work did you do last week?

Young man, nice job with those weeds yesterday.

Is five dollars okay?

Okay. Thank you.

No way, you didn't pull any weeds yesterday.

I know. What's going on?

It's money day. Money day?

Yeah. I don't know why, but it's been happening a lot lately.

Dewey, people don't have money days.

I do. It's really neat.

There's also cookie days and pat on the head days.

I don't like those so much,

but before you know it, it's money day again.

What do you think you're doing?

Putting this stupid fence back up

for the third time this month.

Well, me and Earl went to a lot of trouble tearing it down.

What? Why would you tear our fence down?

We've got 300 head of cattle we got to get to water.

They got to come through here to get to the wash.

We need this fence.

We had two horses wander off.

It took us a week to find them.

Our ranch has used this trail for over 50 years.

We're not about to stop

for a bunch of city boys playing horsy!

Look, just because it's a dude ranch

doesn't mean I don't bust my ass the same as you.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, cowboy, your fanny pack's ringing.

[gruffly]: Talk to me.

The lavender soap should be next to the potpourri.

Well, did you check with housekeeping?

I'm finally starting to understand trigonometry.

Yeah?

It's useless.

Come on, you need trigonometry.

Say you want to plot the orbit of a lunar...

You're right, it's useless.

I've noticed you at school.

You have?

In fact, I've been thinking about you... a lot.

I heard it, too!

Really?

I know you're super smart, so here's my question:

with a brain like that,

do you plan, like, every moment in your life?

No, I don't think...You do. I know you do.

You always have to know what's going to happen next, don't you?

Don't you?No.

I really like not knowing what's going to happen next.

I mean, even when it's scary.

In fact,

I kind of like it when it's scary.

You know, like right now,

I don't know

what's going to happen next.

Do you?

Well...

MAN: You getting anywhere?

What?

The math.

The thing I'm paying you $6 an hour for.

Oh, yeah, she's really smart.

She didn't get it when I tried to explain it.

You didn't try to explain it, you just yelled it at me.

He dropped out of high school,

so whenever anything makes him feel small, he yells.

I'm sure you could've learned

trigonometry if you wanted to.

When?

When I was in 'Nam, tied to a Punjab stick,

chin deep in a tiger cage in the Mekong River?

No, I guess not.

Just remember something, hotshot.

Me and a lot of my dead comrades put our asses on the line

so you and your little friends

could have the freedom to study trigonometry.

Thank you... sir.

That was scary.

Oh, please, he plays that card all the time.

Last week, he tried to use it

to get a free Grand Slam at Denny's.

I think we should get back to math.

Or you could stop stalling and kiss me.

Kiss you?

Okay, you're obviously crazy. Your dad's, like, 12 feet away.

Yeah? You're just trying

to create a situation where he catches me

and I get my butt kicked. Well, I'm not...

Hey, morning, Reese. How's it going?

What are you doing up?

Well, I was just lying in bed this morning

staring at the ceiling, and I thought,

"Why don't I paint the kitchen cabinets?"

Oh, I made crepes.

Crepes? Uh-huh.

Come on, sit down.

Look, I've got strawberries,

bananas, peaches, drawn butter, maple syrup, you name it.

Dig in.

Hey, honey, where have you been?

I was up at 4:00 scouring the grout in the shower

and I thought, "The flower market is open this early.

Why not drive downtown and buy us some fresh-cut flowers?"

They're beautiful! Crepes?

LOIS: Can't, got to make

the boys' lunches.

I've already made them lunch.

Oh, well, double lunches.

[Hal laughs]

That was so much fun last night.

When I got home, my mom yelled at me for an hour,

but I didn't care.

I know. My dad went nuts.

I got two veins and the temple thing.

[chuckling]

We get it.

You're dating.

Stevie, how's it going?

Good.

Do you know...

How cute you are? Yes, so what?

Stop bragging about it.

I was...

going to ask...

If I would dump Malcolm for you.

Well, yeah, but you can't ask me right in front of him.

He has feelings.

...if you passed...

your trig test...

Oh, yeah, D minus.

Thank you, baby.

All right, I'm sick of school, let's go to the mall.

Ditch?

Yeah, it's just P.E.

But that's... a class.

And it'll be there tomorrow. Come on.

Why... pretend?

You're right.

Four times we have to put up this fence!

Do they think we are not serious?

Maybe you should talk to them.Talk to those idiots? No!

Do they think creating wholesome entertainment for families

is for sissies?

There's arts and crafts,

there's nature hikes, there's costume parties.

Let them try to keep track

of what is what on Opposites Day.

Ooh, they will

pay for this.

GRETCHEN: Woo-hoo!

Lunchtime.

Oh, Gretchen,

I did not mean for you to see me in my fury.

Otto, I love your fury.

Isn't Otto's fury magnificent, Francis?

I try not to look at his fury.

If they tear this one down,

we will make them suffer as they have never suffered.

Or, we might consider trying to reach a compromise.

Do I look French to you? No!

If it is a range war they want, then by gosh, they will get one.

They do not know what they are up against.

MAN: Nice job, son.

Thanks.Wait a minute.

Why are you giving him five bucks?

Why?

This young man cleaned out my gutters,

he sorted my recyclables, and I didn't even ask him to.

You couldn't find a nicer kid.

I wish I could give him more.

Don't worry about it.

It can't be money day.

There is no money day.

I would know about it if there was a money day.

Unless...

maybe Mom and Dad don't want me knowing about money day.

Excuse me.

Beat it, kid, I'm trying to figure something out.

Okay. Sorry.

I'll just rake around you.

His name is Billy Prescott.

I followed him home.

He lives, like, a mile away from here.

He looks exactly like you.

You're lying. Am I?

It's common knowledge, Dewey,

that every person on this planet has an evil twin.

He's my evil twin?

Fat chance.

The guy's a saint.

You're his evil twin.

But I don't want to be an evil twin.

I don't make the rules, Dewey.

Besides, we've been given a golden opportunity here.

To do what?

I don't know yet,

but there's money and an evil twin.

If we can't figure out how to make this pay off,

there is something deeply wrong with us.

Come on, let's go watch some soap operas.

Things are going great with Nicki.

We've gone to the planetarium, miniature golf, the movies...

It's amazing how uncrowded stuff is during school hours.

You know what? I'd better get home. I'm grounded.

You're grounded? Why didn't you tell me?

When my dad found out that I cut English, he flipped out.

You know what's funny?

He thinks you're a bad influence on me.

That is hilarious. Listen, Nicki...

He really doesn't like you.Why? What's wrong with me?

I never did anything to him.

Everybody doesn't have to like you, Malcolm.

I know, but... I like you,

and a lot of people would think that's enough.

Get your

filthy mouth off of my daughter's face!

Get in the truck.

What are you doing? You're supposed to be at work!

Okay, hotshot,

consider this your one and only warning.

You are never, ever

to see my daughter again, you got that?!

No, Daddy, take it back!

Take it back!

I cannot believe that you would come to the park

and you would do this to me.

Do you know how embarrassing you are?

I'm okay... I'm okay.

I'm just going to lie down here for a minute.

[tires screeching, truck departing]

[whimpering]

HAL: Hey, honey.

Oh, I had a great day.

You know, I was working through lunch,

and Mr. Collins came by

and he started asking me about what I was doing...

I think I'm getting a raise!

Hal, that's wonderful.

I had a good day myself.

After I finished washing the windows

and stripping the floors,

I went over our tax returns for the last seven years.

We overpaid in '99.

You're kidding.

$800.

The IRS is sending us a check.

Wow! Honey, great job!

You know, I got to tell you, I think...

Is that the last one?

Mm-hmm.

So we can...

I guess so.

Great.

Hey.

Stop! I talked to Nicki's father

and he told me what happened.

You are forbidden from seeing that girl again.

Mom...Forbidden!

I told him you wouldn't

give him any more trouble, understood?

Don't worry. The guy's a psycho.

And I think she is, too.

I'm totally never seeing her again.

Good morning. Hi.

Last night was great.

Yeah. Okay, I get home at 3:00 today.

Dad gets home at 6:00.

Now, my little brother is a total narc,

but we can send him to the arcade till, like, 4:00.

So we have... No good.

I've got a chem lab until, like, 3:30 on Wednesdays.

What about tomorrow?

No good. I can't wait till tomorrow.

We got to think of some...

What?

You can't wait till tomorrow?

Shut up.

Okay, we'll do it today and we'll slide it an hour.

That's cutting it pretty close, but I'll make it work.

We can make this work.

Dad. Oh.

See you in math.

Okay.

I might need to see the nurse first.

DEWEY: I don't want to do this.

If you don't do it,

I'm going to tell Mom about you taking all that money.

And you're going to get a "me" punishment.

Now get to work!

Hey!

What are you doing?!

Yeah, you better run, Billy Prescott!

All the way to 1515 Cypress Street,

a block west of Halifax.

HAL: I'm glad that we decided not to, uh...

Absolutely.

Every other aspect of our lives is getting so much attention.

Our lives are so much better.

Do you think that's how really successful people just...?

Can't think of any other explanation.

No. So Bill Gates...?

Probably never.

I started an herb garden in the backyard today.

Did you know we had a potting shed?

You're kidding.

Oh, we are definitely doing the right thing.

I'll go sleep in the car.

Park it a couple blocks away.

[calypso music playing]

This one is...

Ooh, be careful! It might bite through!

We have had some good ones in the past, Francis,

but this may be the best pirate night ever.

What are you doing?!

Easy, Otto.

What do you think

you are doing?

We have a real ranch to run,

and our cattle need water.

We need that fence.

I will not allow you to kill our horses.

Well, I'm not going to allow you to kill our cattle!

Enough talk.

Gretchen, my gun!

Which one?

Ooh, what am I saying?

The Luger, hmm?

Otto, this is nuts.

You will see you are not dealing with a fool.

That fence is going up twice as high!

We'll just tear it back down again.

Then we will build another fence 50 feet high!

Every time you build it up, we'll tear it down.

Every time you tear it down, we will build it up!

Um, did it ever occur to anyone to put in a gate?

A gate?

Hmm.

A gate would work.

♪ Shave his belly with a rusty razor ♪

♪ Earl-aye in the morning

♪ Keep an eye on your lonely bunkmate ♪

♪ Keep an eye on your lonely bunkmate... ♪

[movie playing]

Sorry.

I jumped in a line at the mall to ditch my Dad,

and I ended up giving blood at the Red Cross.

I told my Mom I was going to the library tomorrow.

No, we aregoing to the library.

I thought we were going to the church fair.

No, the church fair is next week.

It's just a cover so we can meet at the lake.

I thought the lake was a cover for the bowling alley.

No, I'm supposed to be at the bowling alley right now.

This is crazy.

I know. Maybe it'll get crazier.

Oh, my God, my Dad!

BOYD: You said you were going

to the bowling alley!

NICKI: I changed my mind!

And why are you following me?

Don't you trust me?Shh!

Don't you shush me!

You'll learn to shush

when someone is shoving bamboo splinters

under your fingernails trying to get you

to rat out your company!

This is worth it.

This is definitely worth it.

For the love of God.

Man, filling up that guy's car with cement

was a stroke of genius.

With Billy Prescott as our fall guy,

we can do anything.

Now, I've updated my enemies list.

Dewey?

Dewey, I'm talking to you.

Have you heard enough?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, now I know what you're thinking.

But the thing that you don't realize

is that... that I'm not the real Reese.

I just look like me... him.

But if-if you hurt us...

I-I mean him...

Oh, just go ahead.

[grunting]

Now that I've finished the carpet,

we can insulate the attic.

I'm telling you, honey,

the value of this house is going to triple.

We can retire early.

Lois,

what have you planned?

Nothing.

Lois, we made an agreement.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, okay.

You know, two have to play at this game,

and I'm not playing.

I am just not playing!

So you think that's going to work?

Well, I've got news for you, girlie girl.

I am made of sterner stuff.

I happen to like my new life,

and I am not about to descend to your animal level.

Tool belt on.

[quiet whimper]

I've had it up to here with your sneaking around.

You're never where you say you're going to be.

You can't play me for a fool, Nicki!

Dad, you are being paranoid!

There is nothing going on

outside of your stupid, little twisted head.

Well, if I find out you've been lying,

there's going to be hell to pay.

Oh, are you okay?

I've lost all the feeling in my arms,

but it's distracting me

from the searing pain in my shoulders.

Poor baby.

Listen, Nicki, I'm not sure this is going to work.

What do you mean?

We do all of this stuff,

sneaking around and making all these complicated plans,

and it feels incredible.

I have never felt anything so intense in my life,

but, I mean, is that it?

What are you saying?

We never do any normal boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.

I don't know anything about you,

except that you really get off on danger.

And apparently, I do, too.

I'm just not sure that's enough.

[scoffs]

I think you just insulted me.

No. I...Yes, you did!

Maybe you don't know anything about me,

but I actually bothered to learn things about you.

I don't like you

because I'm some creepy danger junkie.

I like you because you're funny, and you're kind,

and you don't let me get away with stuff.

And even when you complain, you're funny,

and I never have to think about what I'm going

to say because it just comes out.

And it-it feels right, and I feel safe.

Well, wait.

I like you because you're really fun and honest.

And I don't feel

like I'm being tricked when you're nice to me.

You're amazing with my friends.

You're amazing.

Okay, so this is real.

It's not just the danger or whatever.

This is real.

Duh.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I love you.

Night, Daddy.

HAL: Oh, no.

I'm late.

Oh, me, too.

Wait, there was something

I was supposed to do at work today.

Come home for lunch?

That's it.

[moaning]

Got to go.

Bye. Bye.