Original subtitles

What?

What?

Okay, Iate the cupcakes you baked

for Dewey's class last night.

And I took Dad's license to make a fake I.D.

And I can't return your necklace

because I already sold it.

I was just going to say

your shirt didn't go with your pants.

Oh.

Phew!

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Would you like some more orange juice, Stevie?

Thank you... Lois.

Stevie's staying at our house for a week

while his parents are in Hawaii.

They get tropical drinks on a beach

while he gets to watch my dad air-drying in the kitchen.

Did everyone notice the way

Stevie pre-sliced the grapefruit sections?

It's so nice to have a boy in the house

who's not a rude little monster.

Hey, was that shot at me?

Yes, honey, it was.

Hal, I don't have any bread for Dewey's sandwich.

You're gonna have to stop by the market on your way to school.

No problem.

Or you could just give me

money for a hot lunch.

Don't be silly.

Those things aren't nutritious.

Why are we in a liquor store?

For the bread. Everybody knows

liquor stores have the best bread in town

[whispers]: Ten lottery tickets, please.

DEWEY: I don't see any bread.

What are you talking about? There's melba toast.

If you can't make a sandwich out of that,

you're just not trying hard enough.

Oh, my God.

What?

Dewey, I just won a thousand dollars!

A thousand dollars!

Yes!

[screaming]

What are we going to buy?

We're not going to buy anything with this, son.

We're going to put this money right into your college fund.

A secret college fund that your mother can never know about.

Sometimes when it rains, they get stuck.

Here.

Thanks.

Uh, Malcolm, right?

Yeah, and I know you're Alison.

I'm glad we finally talked

after a month of being locker neighbors.

"Locker neighbors"?

Yeah, we're...

This is my locker.

Oh! You-- locker neigh...

'cause-'cause we're right next door.

Yeah, that-that's funny.

I-I get it.

[school bell ringing]

Well, uh, see you, neighbor.

And keep your damn dog off my lawn!

I-I don't have a dog.

No, no, I was kidding, because we're neighbors

and sometimes neighbors have

a problem with their dogs going...

See, I always assume people know when I'm kidding,

but sometimes it's just so subtle

I come off sounding like a jerk.

I mean, not too subtle for you.

I don't want to sound condescending.

It's just I think about this kind of stuff a lot.

And... I should have stopped talking 30 seconds ago, right?

Uh, I have to go to gym now.

What is wrong with me?

How long... you got?

I always ruin everything.

Even with a perfect girl like Alison.

Alison's a moron.

She's not the problem.

It's me. I overthink everything.

I can't even carry on a normal conversation

without screwing it up.

Why won't my brain just let me be happy?

[giggling]

Honey, I got to get going.

You heading down to the art gallery?

It's not art!

Sorry. Heading down to the place

where you sell overpriced, pretentious stuff

to tourists with more money than taste?

You dolisten.

OTTO: Thank you very much.

It was good doing business with you, Mr. Dodson.

Ah, Francis, come. Meet Mr. Dodson.

He is a wonderful man.

We will be doing lots of business with him for sure.

Yeah, look, I got to go.

Uh, I'm running late for another sales call,

so, uh, see you gentlemen around.

We will talk soon.

Ah, Francis.

I am such a lucky man.

When I left for this country,

all of my friends are warning me, "Otto, Otto, be careful.

People will try to take advantage of you."

But this is not the case.

Like that Mr. Dodson.

He knows so much more about ranching than I do.

But does he act all superior and high and mighty?

No! No! Instead, he teaches me.

Like before today, I did not know

that cows need ultraviolet protection.

What?

What is this stuff?

Sunscreen.

For cows.

Otto, how much did you pay for this?

$200 a bucket, plus, of course

the zinc for their noses.

[vehicle departing outside]

Do not worry.

I already paid him.

How much time do I get for a thousand bucks?

Oh, Mama!

I have been dreaming about this for years.

What? Are you crazy?

We can't do it at my house. My family's there.

Uh, but there's a parking lot

near my office where we can meet.

That's your ground speed indicator

and that's your vibration tachometer.

Check.

[laughs]: Yes, sir!

Can't wait to resurface some roads with this baby.

Wow, looks like you're all set.

Yes. Let me ask you a hypothetical.

I mean, if I was to accidentally run over something--

I mean crush it into dust

where they're completely unrecognizable...

You'd want to center it in the middle of the drum.

That is, if such a tragic incident should occur.

Come again?

Look, a lot of our, uh, "road builders" have

that inevitable fragile item cross their paths.

And if Iwere to encounter such a fragile item...?

You'd have no choice but to speed up

until that item no longer posed a threat to your road building.

Now sign here, and you can get to work.

Hoo-hoo-hoo!

[cackles]

I can do better.

Stevie, you are such an angel.

You are welcome to stay with us any time your parents go away.

Sure, Hawaii's great,

but we're having fun right here, huh?

Sure are.

Hey! I didn't buy this.

49 cents less.

With lotion.

Ooh!

[Reese giggling]

Don't you have midterms to study for, too?

I think I have three tomorrow.

Don't you even care that if you don't study,

you're going to fail.

Nah.

How do you do that?

What?

How do you go through your life

without worrying that bad things are going to happen?

I don't know.

I guess if I feel myself starting to worry,

I just sing the Minty-Mint song in my head.

♪ They're cool, they're fresh, they'll clean your breath ♪

♪ Minty-Mints are your breath's friend. ♪

So, when I just asked you that question about failing,

you were thinking about that song?

Yep. LOIS: Boys, for the last time,

get in here, and help me with these groceries now!

♪ Minty-Mints are your breath's friend. ♪

[chuckles]

Reese, you're a genius.

What? That girl, Alison, just asked me

why everyone in the world has accents except for us.

And instead of going into this long explanation,

I thought of the Minty-Mint song.

And all that came out of my mouth was,

"Because they're weird," and she liked it.

Cool. I could actually feel my brain click off.

She said I was cute, and then she touched my shoulder.

Let's keep this in the family, understand?

Hey, here she comes.

Oh, man. I just did it once.

What if it was all just a fluke?

You'll be fine.I'm too new at this.

Just relax.But...

Just say what I say.

Hey, Malcolm.

I-I forgot to ask you something.

Hmm...

Are you okay?

Do you need to get to class or something?

[indistinct whispering]

No, I'm just killing time till lunch.

Oh, I know what you mean.

These mornings can just drag on.

[indistinct whispering]

School's for suckers.

It's just some scam thought up by parents

so they can stay home all day and party hearty.

Oh, my God. I've thought the same thing.

[indistinct whispering]

I, uh...

I think it'd be cool if they took the one-dollar bill

and changed it to the million-dollar bill.

That way, nobody would be poor, and we'd all be millionaires.

That is such a cool idea.

I want to help poor people, too.

What I wanted to ask you is, um,

do you want to go to the dance with me on Friday?

Yeah! I was waiting to ask you,

but I wanted to find the right time, and the...

[indistinct whispering]

Uh, awesome.

Awesome.

I... I got to get to class.

Me, too.

♪

[bubble wrap popping]

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[glass shattering]

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

DEWEY: "College fund"?

Dewey! Hi.

What brings you out on such a lovely day?

I was following my dad on his secret steamroller.

Oh, it's not just a steamroller, son.

This is a culmination of everything

I've worked for in my entire life.

AndI've also managed to put away

some money for your college.

Which, if interest rates hold... Oh, all right!

If you don't tell your mother, I'll let you squash something.

Can I squash Reese's bike?

Sure.

It's in the trunk.

[Malcolm making revving sounds]

You want to know what's great?

Not thinking so much.

It's cool.

Usually I'd be all stressed out like Stevie.

But I figure life should be-- what's the word?

Funner.

What'd you get for problem... 17?

[makes screeching brake sound]

I drew a tank.

What's wrong... with you?

Huh?

For two days,

you've been acting like an idiot.

No. For two days,

I've acted like someone who's happy and relaxed.

You're turning into Reese.

So? I'm not stressing out about school

and girls and stuff.

That doesn't make me an idiot.

That makes me the opposite of an idiot.

The brain is a muscle.

Use it or lose it.

But maybe if you use it too much,

it'll cramp up on you.

Didn't think about that, did you?

[gasps]

Malcolm?

[chuckles]: I fell.

[groaning goofily]

Who do you think invented the spoon?

Paleo...

Spoony Spoonicus.

[both laugh]

Spoony Spoonicus.

That is so awesome.

[whispering]: You're supposed to take me ice-skating today.

Where were you?

I'm sorry, Dewey. I got stuck at the office.

So, Hal, I called the office today

and they said you took the whole day off.

That's right.

I spent the whole day ice-skating with Dewey.

Oh, you should see the boy, Lois.

Twirling and jumping on that ice.

He did a double axel

that was, quite frankly, exquisite.

Hal, we've got to go over

next month's budget tonight.

Oh, I can't tonight, honey.

I have to go into the office to make up for the time

I missed with Dewey.

Yeah, the office.

Can't get enough of the good ol' office.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Malcolm, good, you're home. Listen.

Is there some scientific way to find out

if something is pudding without actually tasting it?

Is it chocolate?

No. Why, would that make a difference?

I like chocolate.

It's browner than the not-chocolate stuff.

You didn't by any chance find that coffee can

in the garage, did you?

You're going to the steamroller,

aren't you?

So what if I am? I rented it.

Why shouldn't I get to use it? It's a free country.

Dad, you've been crushing things for five days straight.

Have you even slept?

That's the thing, Dewey.

Ever since I got the steamroller,

I don't have to sleep.

It's like the laws of nature don't apply to me.

What's this?

Nothing. It's a brochure for a wrecking ball.

It's not even mine, okay?

I'm just holding it for a friend.

Dad, I think you have a problem.

Why can't everyone just leave me alone?!

Check out this awesome story.

So I thought I was going

to borrow Reese's tuxedo T-shirt

for the dance tonight, but then I saw one at the mall

that said, "FBI-- Federal Booby Inspector."

Federal Booby Inspector!

Awesome.

You... the man.

Malcolm, I know I promised you the tuxedo shirt,

but I saw this at the mall, and I think it's way better.

Oh, my God!

I was going to buy this after school!

No way! Righteous!

Whoa. Stevie, you got to let Reese head-butt you.

It's like getting hit in the head

with something really hard.

Not... in this... lifetime.

Your call.

Maybe we'll do one later at the dance.

Go... with you?

Ha...

ha...

ha.

Come on, Stevie.

You got to come with us.

We're like the Three Musketeers.

You can't have the Three Musketeers without...

what's his name.

Nougat. Yeah, that dude.

I'll be quilting.

Fabrizzi's a master.

The desert is practically alive.

It looks like the dolphin and the tiger are dancing.

Could I get this picture

but with my husband's face where the dolphin is?

Well, like all great artists,

he'll do absolutely anything for money.

[panting]

Oh, my God!

Francis, what happened?

You are going to be so proud of me.

I was putting gas in the van,

and this guy walked out of the men's room.

The sunscreen guy!

And when I saw,

it was like I became this wild animal.

Like nature took over.

I ran up to him and I blindsided him

with the windshield-wiper squeegee,

and his Big Gulp went flying

and he was crying for his mother!

Do you want to see his front tooth?

You know what? I'm going to think about it

and maybe come back another time.

Why are you whistling?

Honey, listen.

I really want to hear about this,

but I kind of told my boss I'm not trailer trash,

and you're blowing my cover.

These little cuts and bruises?

These here are the symbols of my success.

I mean, the guy took some convincing,

but in the end,

the money was cheerfully refunded.

Is there supposed to be this much blood in my pocket?

Okay, you're going to the emergency room.

♪

Want some punch?

If I say yes, you're just going to hit me.

I'm going to hit you anyway,

but it's funnier if you say yes first.

So what do you like better,

slow dancing or fast dancing?

Slow dancing.

Me, too.

Unless the fast dance song, like, really rocks.

Yeah.

I can't believe the awesomeness

of how awesome this is.

At Cheswick Grounds, Britain's largest public lawn,

each blade of grass is said to grow

a full centimeter a day.

Let's watch.

Stevie, what are you doing here?

I thought you're going to the dance with the boys.

I didn't want... to go.

Stevie, you listen to me.

Just because you're in a wheelchair

doesn't mean you can't enjoy a dance like anyone else.

I think you are a fine young man with beautiful qualities

that any girl would enjoy

if you just put yourself out there.

But... There are plenty of things you can do.

You can snap your fingers to the beat.

You can spin around in a circle.

That would be adorable.

Please...Stevie, any girl would be lucky

to be your girlfriend.

You're polite, you're considerate,

and you are very clean.

Girls go crazy for that.

Lois...Stevie, you know what?

We're going to that dance.

Francis,

what happened to you?

Otto, I have to tell you something.

There is no such thing as sunscreen for cows.

What are you talking about?

The guy, he was ripping you off.

But don't worry, I took care of it.

I got you your money back.

Ugh! I am such an idiot.

It is my fault you had to fight.

I'm sorry. And thank you.

It's okay.

You know what?

There is a man in my office right now,

and I am suspicious of him, too.

Come, you will meet him.

Okay, show my friend here what you are selling me.

This here's a magic stick. It finds water.

Oh, yeah.

I've seen these.

It's got the good Swenson bevel on there.

Yeah, these are great.

I don't know.

I guess I'd say I like curly fries better.

Ha, I knew it.

You totally owe me a buck, Malcolm.

What about Cajun curly fries?

Oh, my God!

I completely forgot about those.

Thoseare my favorite.

Mine, too.

Why can't they make more foods curly?

You guys are, like, the coolest brothers.

I mean, you're both so easy to talk to.

It's not like a strain or anything.

Yeah, Reese and I get along awesome.

It's 'cause you're so alike.

You should totally check to make sure

you're not, like, twins or something.

I'll ask my mom when I get home.

I just got a really good idea.

I know this senior who's got some beer stashed.

No way.

We can grab a six pack and a blanket

and go down to the football field.

Awesome.

I can't believe I'm about to do this.

Underage drinking, making out with a girl

where we're almost certain to get caught.

High school rules!

[cackling]

I am Hal!

[laughs]

Oh... maybe just one row.

[laughing]

Get away from here, son!

I don't want you to see me like this!

Dad, you have to stop!

I can't!

I'm proud of you, Dad.

So what yard line do you want to sit on?

'Cause I was thinking the 50.

But it's kind of a long walk.

There's nothing to be nervous about, Stevie.

I'll dance the first couple of dances with you.

Hey, stop blaming yourself!

That guy's a complete jerk.

We're going to throw away his beer, get someone to take you home,

and you should totally dump that guy.

That's what I would have done

if I hadn't shut off my brain all week.

Here's what I really did.

♪ Minty Mints are your breath's friend. ♪

My mom said you asked for this.

How's my gal?

I don't know. She won't stop screaming.

She hasn't even seen my report card yet.

The way I figure it,

I have to average an 8.0 just to break even.

Which might be doable since I don't have distractions anymore.

Alison dumped me as soon as I used the word "paradox"

in a sentence.

Welcome back.

Sorry about Alison.

It's no big deal.

I'm still going to be seeing her around a lot.

You know what I don't get about football?

How come the away team has so many different uniforms?

I don't know. Rich kids.

Probably it.

You want to make out?Do you? Sure.