Original subtitles

Previously on Happy.

You can see me!

I ain't your imaginary friend.

I don't know what that would look like.

I'm Hayley's imaginary friend.

Gotcha! It's really you.

Honey, stop.

Where is she?

You should stop by my tower. I can't speak to her frame of mind.

This is evil.

They can't get away with this. They can, but not forever.

Mikey gave Ork to Blue.

All is lost.

Yes, yes, that's why we must stop him.

I'm hungry.

Why do you have to go?

You're growing up. You'll forget all about that silly horse.

See, the thing about imaginary friends is we're kind of supposed to help out

person who needs us the most.

Here we come.

Here comes the fun.

Are you ready?

They'll be afraid.

Heaven waits for us.

We'll all die together.

In every way, in every place, they only speak of the good place, they only speak

of the good place.

At the time when Jean Santerre of England was king, let us not forget that

are going to all deserts.

C 'est un jour un hérétique par des ronds se le conduit.

um

Thank you.

And most of all, no more fillin' chumps full of hot lead!

Boy, Nick, your breath sure is fresh.

I don't miss the old us at all, Nick. You're doing super, and Haley's gonna

be...

And I'm, um... Uh... Uh... I'm, uh...

Um... I'm, uh...

Let her rip, sis!

You're only as sick as your secrets.

That's what I always say.

Uh... Nick Bearclaw!

Are you even signed up?

It's just here for the coffee.

This place is depressing, Nick. I'm so glad you've evolved into such a total

wizard master of your darker impulses.

Evolved?

Goddamn right.

Evolved!

You've been coming down with a cold for two months, Nick.

Why, I need a good stuff app.

What you need is a big glass of OJ, a bowl of chicken soup, and a nice warm

blanket.

OJ did it.

Don't you read the news?

Okay.

Your imagination is a pretty effed up place to live, Nick. You know that,

Mm -hmm.

Hello!

How old are you, my little blue asshole?

Guess what time it is.

Meat tenderizer.

Powdered, formed, right there in the air, the spices set you. Get the blood

right out of that cotton underwear.

What's wrong with your kid?

What's wrong with your face?

All

right,

until next time, if you won't be safe, remember to lock down them stroller

wheels, huh?

Hey, kiddo.

Um, three o 'clock?

I did want to talk to you.

Well, I do.

Please, have a seat.

I've heard so much about you.

If I'd known we were meeting, I'd have brought an apple.

Well, I'll get right to the point. Good.

We all understand that Haley has been through a very traumatic experience.

I took care of that.

You're doing the final.

Uh, Shirley, as a former police officer, you understand it's not that simple.

The last two months have seen a series of incidents.

School property broken. A campaign of psychological harassment against the

staff. Psychological harassment? Yeah, we would never do anything like that.

Shut your nozzle.

I know, you know, my daughter, and she would never do anything like that. You

know, I've met Ms. Hanson. Oh?

I can't imagine where Haley could have acquired this anti -authoritarian

attitude. Maybe the problem here is that she's not being offered a proper

creative outlet.

A creative outlet.

Hey, take me for example. I had my issues at school if it hadn't been for

extracurricular activities.

Who knows how I would have wound up.

I understand you've had a change of employment recently.

What's that have to do with the price of ass in Pittsburgh?

Instability in the home can lead to changes in a child's behavior.

What are you talking about? I drive a cab. There's nothing more stable than

that. That's a good job, right?

Wow. I haven't taken an actual cab in years.

I mean, do you mean Uber?

Yeah. What?

What's Uber?

Oh, God. Who asked you? It's an act. I knew that. I am not going to sit here

tolerate someone casting aspersions on my daughter.

I don't suppose you have any evidence to back up these wild claims?

Would you, uh, care to review the security camera tapes with me?

They're HD.

I know you're kind.

Dad, no.

I've been fighting you my whole life with you, you Birkenstocks, avocado

five college degrees. It ain't worth the paper -dew toilet that they're printed

on. Looking down your nose at us poor slobs like... Queen shit on Dick

Well, let me tell you something.

If that's the way it's going to be around here, then screw this school,

she's better off someplace else. And do you know what the real crime is here?

Do you know what makes me want to fall to my knees and weep?

Let down your head, put on a little bit of lipstick, you're going to be half

bad. Nick!

Sensitivity! This meeting was intended as a wake -up call, but taking into

account her situation, perhaps Haley needs more attention and help than we're

equipped to provide.

What kind of frame job is this? Dad, I did it.

I did it. I broke the windows.

I did the psychological harassment.

It was me.

Every kid's got problems.

And we need to learn to solve those problems constructively using sensible

techniques like discussion, negotiation, compromise.

Easter sucks.

You got the IP.

Don't get me wrong.

Jesus H. Christ resurrected from the dead.

It don't get sexier than that.

What are you done with it?

Colored eggs?

The Easter bunny?

I mean, I like marshmallow peeps as much as the next guy. I ate a whole bag of

the flight out.

But come on!

Easter. It's the Alzheimer's ravaged mother -in -law of holidays.

Tolerated, not celebrated.

That's why I'm here.

I'm sure you're familiar with my work, my legacy, my status

as beloved global icon to children of all ages.

What I'm offering you today is a chance to be a part, Of the biggest holiday

rebranding of all time.

I'm talking four quadrants. I'm talking mass marketing.

Walmart wars.

Easter presents.

Easter carols.

Chocolate wishies instead of those horny pagan fertility bunnies. A multi

-trillion dollar holiday bonanza to rival Christmas itself.

None.

Exploding. on Fifth Avenue.

Tragic, yes, but it can work to our advantage.

Everyone's talking about Easter. For the first time since Mel Gibson struck box

office gold telling your story, the war on Easter is real and we

can win it!

We're gonna make Easter great again.

For the first time.

Now, I can do it with or without you.

It's the 20 teams. The holidays ain't just for believers anymore.

But I'm here at your feet.

board, big fella.

I want your brand front and center for the big rollout.

Starting quarterback for Team Sonny.

What do you say, Pope Daddy?

I like it.

No,

no Wow

just

wow

It's Blue Rat.

Like in the movie.

You know you are a dead man, Blue Rat.

I just hope it's me who keeps... I ain't no rat. You bullshit

big asshole. Get off.

What is that?

What is... What is that?

A present from the bog.

Sorry, doctor. I'm fine.

It's this.

Is there something else we can put on?

Why? Kids love Sonny. Hey, right?

Huh? Huh?

Sonny, Sonny, Sonny.

Rockin' good.

Rockin' good.

I'm sorry.

Okay. I got this.

Here she is. What happened?

I told you she was good, Nick.

You know how you're always saying we got a one in a million kid. And you're not

getting any argument from me. She's got a personality.

She's a superstar.

Brightest star in the sky. And sometimes the other stars.

you know, who ain't so bright, they may feel a little intimidated. Miss Palm

wanted to talk to you or Dad.

She got Dad.

Oh. Our little Haley got singled out for behavior that any other kid with a

backbone would have dismissed Palm Garrett.

I mean, she presents us with all these trumped -up charges, totally

unsubstantiated, and I step forward like, you know, any good father would,

naturally. I mean, if you're looking for someone to blame... I don't have to

look very far.

No. Now, tell her. Tell her.

Dad got me kicked out of school.

She set off the fire alarms.

Wait for me over there.

Snitches get stitches.

You.

Outside. I haven't seen Amanda this disappointed since she let me out of the

pillowcase last New Year's in your giggle pole.

What happened on New Year's Eve?

All right.

All right?

The child's been through a nightmare, Nick.

We all have.

Kidding ourselves when we think it hasn't affected us. Man, she's a tough

hombre. She's a child, Nick.

And she's seen things no child should have to see.

Maybe this is exactly what she needs.

You've noticed this place runs 40 ,000 a year?

Boy, we must have spent a gajillion hours in here.

Playing with all the toys, the games, waiting for Amanda to get done with

But I guess we're all grown out of that stuff, aren't we?

You know, I thought about trying the whole nun thing once.

Vow habits?

I thought you were Jewish.

Well, that's the thing.

I'd like to see you stick to a vow of celibacy.

So you said you were drunk. And when you woke up, you

were fitted with the latest in ISIS fashion.

Witnesses say you and your sisters were running around like... Headless chicken?

Looking for something?

He told us there was a device hidden in an egg.

So you're saying this was an Easter egg hunt?

Never was a fan.

Christmas? They put the presents where you can find them. See, that's what I'm

talking about. Yes.

An Easter egg hunt.

He said... He said... Come on, spit it out.

The device would detonate the vest closest to it, and the others would be

Hey, so you thought you were sacrificing yourself for the others.

God, it's a good Samaritan, Hubble.

I ought to canonize this one.

Funny thing is, the opposite happened.

You were saved, and the others saved me.

Guess it was your lucky day.

No, I wanted to die. No one said you didn't. He's odd, Julie Andrews. You'll

never know.

On account of everyone else who was there was just power washed off the

by a sanitation crew.

Well.

Now, that's not entirely true.

No.

No, don't make me talk about him. Come on, don't be shy.

I just blew up all your little... You want us to catch the son of a gun, don't

you?

He said... He said... Who said?

Licorice.

Terrible, big, biting teeth.

Big, floppy ears.

And the eye.

The pink, funny eye.

The kids will wait here until you sound the horn. Then the curtain drops and

they run out to the Easter Meadow. I cannot believe Good Morning America is

-balling us. Scooter freaking Sterling. Junior, say no.

They still might come through.

The Times article had an impact.

But I think you can still expect a very successful... Well, that hack job, are

you kidding me? We raised over $8 million for inner -city kids last year.

can't expect every penny to actually go to the, you know... The kids. Yeah.

Right.

Foundations don't have expenses. Damn right it does.

Well, they did get to keep the candy. Look, I gotta go take care of something.

You can hold down the port, right? Yep.

Okay.

Yeah.

You're a screw -up fucking darling, baby.

You're about to get your D at.

Oh, yeah.

Very sexy lighting.

I like the mood in here.

Give me the blood flow down in my D -Ock.

Oh, hi!

You look fantastic.

What the hell's the matter with you?

Okay. You're freaked out.

I get it. Good news.

That's my thing.

This is like a game thing we're going to play. Okay. A little trauma play.

You're scared. I'm strong.

A couple of ground rules for me off the bat. One, I like a lot of teeth down

there. Two, my safe word is Tallahassee.

Here we are.

So light and bright, right?

It's time to settle down in a real family home. Oh, this place has family

over it.

Speaking of which, state law requires me to disclose certain things about the

property before we continue.

A few months before listing, this property was the site of a triple

Young couple.

About your age and their mother -in -law visiting from Boston. The intruder.

Intruder? Was on PCP tripping balls, dick, all of it.

Butchered them like cattle. They were found in this open -concept kitchen,

I'm sure you'll agree is super cute.

It is nice.

Built -in coffee maker.

A lot of folks might not want a property with this type of history.

But on the upside...

Statistically speaking, the odds of something like that ever happening again

the exact same location, close to zero.

Well, it is a real bargain for this neighborhood.

And between you and me, I think the seller will move a little. And like she

says, a place that's been broken into once, it's not likely then.

Those self -flushing toilets.

I'm going to get that taken care of.

You guys love the place.

Well, Tom. Yeah? I'll call you.

Is someone flushing? Yeah.

Wow. It's amazing technology.

This is my job.

Are you stalking me?

Oh, great.

Her again.

What? No.

I didn't call it that. I was at the mud shelter. I looked down. Who do I see?

Mary McCarthy, realtor. I must have been sitting on your face for ten minutes.

All right, that's it. Out of the tub.

It was you.

The squatter in the condo on North 6th. I should have recognized that smell.

That was a nice place. A little transitional for my taste, but very

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, it's... It's not like something you haven't seen before.

Don't remind me.

Please promise me you will destroy this thing by fire before contamination

spreads. Oh, there it is.

Damn it, Zach, this is not okay.

You can't screw this up for me.

I can't hear you a couple days a month.

I just need a place where she can sleep in a nice bed that's clean.

You know, someplace normal.

How's a guy like me supposed to afford a place like that?

Your problem was never making money.

I was drinking it and snorting it. Yeah, well, you're looking at the new Nick

Sacks. I'm clean.

Ish.

Six weeks.

Sacks. Yeah.

Not so high and mighty now, are we? Just wanted her to be proud of me, Mayor.

I'm getting back on my feet.

I'll clean up before I go.

You ever think about what happened?

Why would I?

We won.

Did we?

Well, you know, Hayley's had her ups and downs, but she's all right. She's way

more than I deserve, so yeah, we did.

You never think about going after Sonny Shine?

Nick, you don't seriously believe that Sonny Shine had anything to do with...

Moved on, man.

The way I look at it, the world is full of cockroaches. That's more the rule

than the exception.

You squash one, what the hell did I get you?

A thousandth more just like them behind every wall.

Even these.

This really is a new you.

Yeah.

How about you?

Well, you can see I've moved on.

Yeah, I mean, I find that outfit, uh... hot, strangely.

I know.

You know what I don't understand, though? Why didn't you put up more of a

for your badge?

There's no fight when the fix is intact, so you know that.

Lou had half the department on the take when he went down.

Somehow IA concludes I'm the only rotten banana of the bunch?

One way to look at it.

You had it coming as another.

So that's it, huh?

Keep our heads down. Take it day by day.

Hope trouble doesn't come looking for us.

Sure.

Seems like neither one of us was cut out to be a cop.

Your cookies suck.

That shit on your face.

Sonny's not a cockroach. I don't believe it, and neither does Haley.

He's the man in the rainbow castle, a friend to you and... Huh?

Nick!

Yeah, what is it?

Uh, nothing.

It's great to see you.

In here, I mean.

An angel of grace and light, as usual.

Cut the shit, brother. I'm here to tell you something.

I'm here to tell you about the nightmares you've been having.

I sleep like a little pink baby.

About the blackouts? About the things that you can't remember?

There's a perfect reason.

What's that sound? Nothing in the world is going to bring back my sweet Mikey.

But believe me, I'm going to take a lifetime's worth of satisfaction in

that the last great thing he did on this earth was to screw you over.

Mikey?

Mikey gave me the password.

There was no password, you moron.

Mikey carried an ancient spirit.

An evil thing.

Packed from the old don.

To you.

Like a virus.

Like a... I know what a virus is.

Do you hear that sound?

There's something living in your mind, Bloom.

You can feel it, can't you?

Scratching in the dark.

Trying to get out.

Isabella.

It's the name of Hebrew origin. Did you know?

It means devoted to God.

Why are you talking like Madonna?

I need to tell you a secret.

Something about mighty...

Something even his mother didn't know.

You don't know who I am.

But I know who you are.

Orcus.

God of death.

You've been passing down for ages.

From Scaramucci to Scaramucci.

How many times

have you passed from body to body?

More than I can count with all my fingers, with all my toes.

But this time it was different. The transfer was corrupted.

It is like you unplug your device before the update is complete.

Two lousy souls sharing one tasty white body.

And you will be living in that prison, in that body, forever.

Bella, Orcus lives in our bloodline. We don't need...

Let me come find you.

Let me leave this graceless, blasphemous sack of flesh behind to get where

you and I will rule.

That will never happen. Don't be so sure, Harrigan.

She's the last of the Scaramucci.

With Isabella dead, you will have no escape.

Yes, so suck it. Wait, what?

Them sisters ought to be wearing masks.

What the hell is wrong with public school anyway?

Plenty of good Americans went to public school, right?

Lincoln?

Einstein? Oprah?

Supposed to make that kind of money driving a cab.

Take it out of the trash.

That's what I'm good at.

By trash, I mean people who need to get whacked.

You promised.

No whacking.

Well, then it was supposed to keep their head above water. in this thing of town

without killing people.

Um, we're here is good.

Please sit uptown.

Did I?

There you go, buddy. Get that paper. You see that? Get that money.

I don't know what happened.

California ain't looking so bad.

Nick, can I ask you something?

Something kind of personal?

Yeah, well, the world's full of it, pal.

So you got a particular destination in mind or what?

Listen, you look like a can -do kind of guy.

You do that all the time. I need a girl for a party.

My day just ran off on me, and I don't want to look like a hassle showing up

alone. Yeah, well, you know, gotta tell you, that ain't really my line of work.

Look, pal, I realize I may not give off the rosiest first impression, but I'm

not quite sure where you'd arrive at the rather presumptuous lotion. I'll give

you a thousand bucks.

You're a lifesaver, bro.

I am.

So, you're assuming there's going to be other girls at this party?

Yeah, of course, baby.

You don't mind me asking, what's your blood type?

Yeah, this is it.

Wow, Fax, I really owe you for this one.

Excuse me, you're trying to throw a friend a bone.

We're friends?

All right, all right, look, you heard the guy. It's a party, a little

conversation, a little dancing.

Oh, God, can't I just blow everyone and be done with it?

Really?

Is romance really that bad?

Now, I'm not saying there's anything untoward about this situation, but

anything arise, that involves certain acts.

I'm an adult in nature. I think we should negotiate some consideration. Why

you talking like this? 20%. 10. 15. Did you bring a calculator?

All right, 10.

This is her.

What? Yeah.

Seems legit.

What, no music?

There you go.

You're changing into this.

This is fun.

Yeah, just stick around. Make sure it's okay.

You know what? Just wait for me outside.

What the fuck are you looking at?

Just get the hell out of here and let me do my job.

You're making everything weird.

I'm making it weird.

I'm making it weird.

Why do things have to change, Nick?

Oh, the big questions, huh?

Who brought that on?

Look, Hap.

Can't fight it.

The rain gathers the stuff to poor suckers who thought they could hang on

way it was.

Change is inevitable.

And why haven't you changed that shirt in three weeks?

Hap, you want to make yourself useful.

Of course I do.

Fly your tiny little blue ass up into that party, take a look around, tell me

there's anything funny going on.

Like... Funny ha -ha?

No. The other guy.

Guys.

Even for me, this is fucked up.

Sweet Jesus.

That's the silliest kind of party I ever saw, Nick. There's a big bathtub full

of ice, but no sodas in it, and a yellow guy in the back hooked up to a giant

juice box.

What do you mean yellow?

Like Chinese?

Nick, that's offensive.

I mean yellow, like a pineapple popsicle.

I have pops.

Spill on aisle three.

Look, I'm as open -minded as anyone, more so as a point of fact.

But I think we can all agree this is no one's idea of a party. Yo, taxi driver,

get the fuck out of here.

You talking to me?

Anyway, look, let's not get carried away.

I think that we find ourselves in a bit of a pickle.

But I know that we can find a way to solve our problems, you know,

constructively, using...

Sensible adult techniques such as discussion, negotiation,

and compromise.

That

wasn't my fault.

You're going to be fine.

Yeah, you're good.

You know, more accidents happen in the workplace.

I mean,

look, but he came to me.

All he's doing is like, oh, yeah.

I mean, this is not a compliment.

Nick!

Not cheeseburgers.

Nothing personal, pal. Just

for your own good.

Consider it like time out.

Hey, Fedora. Look, you guys are going to get hurt. Let's just everyone... Right?

that you have learned a very valuable lesson tonight. I know I have.

When we deal with our problems out of a place of anger,

bad things happen.

But when we confront them with kindness...

Fuck it!

But Nick, you promised you wouldn't kill anyone!

No guns? You killed everyone!

Corpses! Nick, why?

Head trails?

Bones?

It's all blood.

Is that a liver?

You.

What's something like that worth?

Five hundred dollars, maybe.

How about a kidney?

In good condition.

Over a hundred thousand.

Yeet. Holy giblets. I'm standing in the middle of a goddamn goldmine of blood

and guts.

What would you say qualifies as a good condition?

Bad dream, baby?

I don't remember.

You don't have anything to be afraid of.

All the bad people who tried to hurt you are either gone or locked up somewhere

where they can never get out again.

Strange kind of love.

A strange kind of thing.

Swim through your eyes.

And like the doors to a wide vast dominion.

What'd you have in mind for him?

No, no, don't tell me. I love surprises.

How did you get in here?

When you're as rich and famous as I am, let's just say it pays to keep tabs on

your employees.

Even a gold star go -getter like you left to their own

devices. Next thing you know, the stenographer is downloading

granny porn on company time.

Please, put that down.

I'll let you get back to work.

Lady cop.

You know, the one that put Bruce Garamucci in jail. Whatever happened to

You had her thrown off the force, ruined her life, remember?

Did I?

Huh.

Oh, and the other one.

The big, the big smelly one.

Nick Tuba, right?

Sacks. Sacks, that's him. What happened to him?

How would I know?

Ah, well.

We have bigger fish to fry, don't we?

My floppy -eared friend.

But maybe I should have just killed him anyway.

You know, revenge.

Everybody loves revenge, right? Even you.

I am a professional, Mr. Shine.

My focus is my work, and only my work.

I don't have a ventral bone in my body.