Original subtitles

*

- Good morning, Detroit.

Get your hot rods ready because this weekend

is the famous Woodward Dream Cruise.

Our own Harvey Bart is spending the day

soaking up all the action.

Let's see how he's doing. Harvey.

- Good morning, Nadine.

Well, somebody pinch me 'cause I am

definitely dreaming down here at the Dream Cruise.

So many fun people,

so many great cars all driving

up and down the street like they do here every year.

So much fun.

Not much else is happening,

just people driving up and down the street.

- We're gonna cut you off right there.

Thanks, Harvey.

Later in the hour,

celebrity chef Margaret Peretti

will join us to show us how to make

some fun '50s-inspired dishes

as well as apologize

for her now-infamous

anti-Semitic rant from last week.

But first, we have with us two local admen

who started their own T-shirt company.

Tim Cramblin and Sam Duvet, welcome.

- Thanks for having us on the show, Nadine.

- We watch you all the time.

- Oh, Thanks. Now--

- Not--not like in a stalker way

'cause, you know--

not like a person who's, like, obsessed.

- Chill out. - Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

- Don't touch her. - I won't. It's not--

- Tell us about the T-shirts.

- Well, it seems like everywhere you go these days,

you see T-shirts with Detroit slogans on them.

- Psh, you said it, Tim.

You may be familiar with "Detroit vs. Everybody."

- Just the best.

- And "Detroit Hustles Harder."

- You can't beat it.

- You sure can't, which is why

we're proud to present to you

our very own T-shirt, "De-two-roit."

- And we'd like to thank our crew members

Lea and Tommy Pencils

for modeling our "De-two-roit" T-shirts today.

Uh, take it easy on Tommy. He's a little nervous.

He's not used to being in front of the camera for a change.

- Well, I got to be honest, guys.

I don't get it.

It looks like you put a 2

where the T should be.

- Uh, no, not looks like. That's what we did.

- Yeah, so now it's "De-two-roit."

- "De-two-roit."

- Well... - Asking--

- That can best be explained by a freestyle rap

performed by Lea and Tommy Pencils.

- Sounds like fun.

Lea, Tommy Pencils, take it away.

- * If you're in the market for a cool T-shirt *

- Uh...uh... - Oh, no.

- * If you're in the market for a cool T-shirt *

- Yes, this is live.

- But on a commercial break.

- No, he can do it. - Yeah, lead him in again, Lea.

- * If you're in the market for a cool T-shirt *

- Uh...uh...

- Oh, oh, oh, oh!

- Oh, no! - Oh, my goodness.

Assholes.

- * Next time

* When they ask you

* Where you're from *

* You gon' say Detroit city *

* When we get back on our feet, yeah *

* Yeah

- Morning, Sheila.

Where you going?

I don't feel well.

I'm going to go home and lay down.

- Then why are you dressed like a Pink Lady?

Are you going to the Woodward Dream Cruise?

- All right, well, have fun.

I mean feel better.

*

- They bought it.

- Heard her.

- She said it out loud.

- I heard you, bud.

There she is.

- The doctor says our insurance lapsed

because you two haven't been paying the premiums.

- Lea, insurance is for suckers and for chumps.

Everybody knows that. - Mm-hmm.

- Well, this is how much you owe.

- Ooh.

That's ridiculous.

Lea, if we had that much money,

this place would be wall-to-wall pinball machines.

- And a skee ball machine for exercise.

- Mm-hmm. - Reactivate the insurance,

or I'm gonna have to quit and get another job.

- You know, I really hate to pile on here,

but if Lea goes, I go.

- I worked here 30 years.

Your dad hired me, and I stand with Lea.

If you lose her, you lose me.

- I don't even know you.

- We didn't even know you were here.

- All's I'm saying is, if Lea goes, then I go.

- Go.

- Well, I'm sorry it had to end like this.

*

Okay, Lea, let's go.

I'm not leaving.

- Okay, well, uh, I guess I'm leaving.

Who's coming with me?

Anybody?

Sam?

- Psh, buddy, no way.

- Very well.

*

- Oh, thanks for having our backs on that, Lea.

- Well, that settles that.

- Everything's not settled. - Okay, look.

We'll find the money. Just give us a week.

- A month would be great.

- I'll give you till 5:00 tonight,

or I'm gonna walk out of here just like Wallace.

- I'm Wallace!

- Get out of here, man! - Jesus, man, just go!

- We'll find the money, Lea. - Trust us.

- * If you're in the market *

* For a cool T-shirt

* A "De-two-roit" one couldn't hurt *

- Now he can do it.

- I mean, Tommy, we love ya,

but you're too little, too late.

- Yeah, and I wouldn't fall asleep tonight.

You may have a concussion. - You definitely do.

- Yeah, man.

*

- Okay, I made a list

of every client that owes us money.

- Do we really have to do this?

It's so uncomfortable.

- Yes, we do. It's for Lea.

She's like family.

- You're right. Let's do this.

- Well, I don't think you need that bat.

- I don't think you need those knuckles.

Put it down first.

- You put yours down first.

both: Same time.

*

- All right, let's go.

- All right, first up, Devereux Wigs.

- * Ooh, Devereux

- Devereux Wigs.

- * Ooh, Devereux

- Devereux Wigs.

- * Ooh, Devereux

- Devereux Wigs.

We guarantee our wigs

are no longer made from hair off dead bodies.

- Rhonda Devereux is the devil!

I can't pay you any money.

No one's bought a wig since they found out

we used hair from dead bodies.

- You're a monster!

- I don't use dead people hair anymore.

Who's the monster?

Me for shaving the hair off corpses

or the rest of the world

for burying that silky hair underground

where no one can use it?

- Well, I mean, we did the work.

You have to pay us.

- I'm sorry. I could pay you in wigs.

- Rhonda, is the hair made from dead people?

No.

- Oh! Rhonda! - Oh, no, no.

That's from a skunk.

- I was supposed to marry Shane Battier.

I'm not supposed to be scalping skunks.

- I don't think you're ever supposed to scalp a skunk.

- Yeah, and it's not an either/or

between scalping a skunk and marrying Shane Battier.

Who's next? - Cash for Copper.

both: Cash for your copper.

- Do you have copper just laying around?

- We will give you cash for your copper.

- Do you know a place where copper is just laying around?

- We will give you cash for your copper.

- If you should happen to find copper

in someone else's walls or in a city fountain,

can we give you cash for that?

- Well, legally, we can't say yeah.

- But what we can do is wink.

Sorry, guys. We just can't pay you.

Are you sure?

- Yeah, man, this might actually be

one of our worst years ever...

on the books.

- Yeah, we ain't seeing no profits...

on the books.

- Yeah, we might even be showing

some losses... on the books.

- We are in debt

up to our asses...

on the books.

- So you can see how it would be

incongruous if we paid you...

on the books.

- What we can do is meaningfully look in the direction

of that big fat envelope over there

and just walk away.

- Aw, tough break, man. I feel bad for them.

- I don't. You got to get paid for the work you do.

- That's true. - If it don't make money,

it don't make sense.

- Sam, we have to go to that improv place

so you can shout out suggestions.

- They're just gonna boo me again.

- Pete the Plumber.

- But he said next time he sees us, he's gonna kill us.

- Well, we have to try.

- If you got a plumbing problem, call me, Pete the Plumber.

I'll take care of everything,

like leaky faucets,

rusty pipes,

water heaters,

and toilets.

- We need our money.

- Bro, you showed a shit.

- You showed a shit, bro.

- Listen, contracts were signed. Services were delivered.

I mean, business is business.

It's not personal.

- That's how you laugh, bro.

- That is how you laugh, Sam.

- That's how you laugh, Tim.

- Ha-ha-ha! Huh-huh-huh!

Hey!

Get out of here with these stupid-ass T-shirts.

- Oh, no, these aren't stupid, and they're for sale.

- They don't make sense. - Actually, they do.

It's a play on the word "Detroit."

- Yeah. - It's...

both: "De-two-roit."

- Oh.

Get the out of here.

- Seems like everywhere you go,

you see shirts with Detroit slogans.

Okay. Who's next?

- Our last hope,

Roz Chunks, the mom attorney.

Hey, Linda, is Roz at the office or in court today?

Oh, she is

Yeah, no, you too.

Hey, bye, Linda.

- Man, you and Linda, I swear.

- Shut up.

- Linda said that Roz is out at her place in Royal Oak

'cause she had a double colonoscopy yesterday.

- Man, Linda just tells you everything, man.

- Can you forget about Linda and just head to Royal Oak?

If Roz pays up, we should have enough.

You know, it's getting late. We should book it.

- With pleasure, my friend.

Oh, no.

- Dream Cruise.

*

- I mean, can't we just cut through Vinsetta?

- No. All the roads are blocked off.

Plus, it would take too long to go back and go around.

We got to just go through.

- Whoa! Whoa, whoa!

- What are you doing with this piece of junk here?

This is the Dream Cruise.

Back it up. Get this shit out of here.

- You back it up. - You back it up.

- You back it up. - Your shirts are stupid.

Okay, pal, let's put some tits on this puppy.

* Putting lipstick on a turd

* Putting makeup on a shit

* Put a dress on a dookie

* Then I'm kissing it *

* Lipstick on a turd

- * Lipstick on a turd

- * Lipstick on a turd *

- * Lipstick on a turd

- * Haven't you heard *

* I'm putting lipstick on a turd *

*

*

- All right, yeah!

- Yeah! Whoo!

- Dream Cruise, baby!

- She cleans up okay!

*

- * Lipstick on a turd *

- * Lipstick on a turd

- * Lipstick on a turd *

- * Lipstick on a turd

- * Haven't you heard *

- Oh, there's Sheila and Fletcher

and his Diamond Dogs.

- She loves them bad boys, man.

- Nothing but trouble.

- Just go out with a nice man.

Why do they all have to be rebels?

*

- * Lipstick on a turd

- Well, all right, let's get this money

from Roz Chunks, the mom lawyer.

- Have you been injured or wronged?

Convicted of DUI?

Accused of murder

or had murder attempted onto you?

Call me, Roz Chunks,

and remember, I'm not just a lawyer.

I'm a mama.

Can we take a break, son?

- Up yours, Roz Chunks!

- Well, you raise 'em from a pup,

they grow up to be a dog.

You know, what can you do?

- Any form of discipline. - Talk to him.

Hit him. - I mean anything.

- I really would love to help you.

You know that. I just--I don't have the money.

See, my kid just learned how to masturbate,

so you know what that means.

- No, I definitely don't. - I absolutely do not.

- Well, long story short,

he got sent home from camp for being "disruptive,"

as the nuns put it.

- Well, you really don't have to get into it.

- You know, I don't want

to discourage him or, like, shame him,

make him think he's doing, like, a bad thing, you know.

It's just the way he does it.

It's wrong.

You know, it's just, like, the dead-eye stare

and his little shuffling feet

and yelling when he busts.

He's already gone through all of his soccer socks,

moved on to shin pads.

- Shin pads. - Well, anyway,

little tugger got ahold of my credit card

and signed up for some pretty expensive pay-to-play sites,

and I didn't--you know, I didn't say anything at first

'cause it was all that, like--

it was granny fanny kind of stuff,

and his gram-gram had just passed.

- Oh, sorry for your loss. - Oh, it wasn't my mother.

So I just--I didn't want to, you know,

interrupt his grieving process

or whatever, so I ignored it.

- Well, you know, since you don't have the money,

we're just gonna take--

- It must have worked, too, 'cause, you know,

then I see he's going on all these,

like, obscure sites, you know--

- Well, gonna be hell getting back.

- Yeah, well, if it was the cartoon stuff,

I'd understand, right?

'Cause that's for kids, you know.

You got, like, a jacked Ned Flanders

just reaming Marge Simpson

or, like--or, like, Bart doing Lisa

with a huge dripping hog.

It's funny 'cause, like,

you know it's incest, but it's okay

'cause they're cartoons, right?

Groundskeeper Willie's always in there somewhere.

He's got--he's got a pretty nice piece too.

Who else? Who else?

- Milhouse. - Sure, yeah, Milhouse.

Glasses, ripped shirt, huge dripping hog,

blue pubes everywhere.

Yup.

- Well, it's fine you don't have the money.

- Yeah, we understand.

- Hey, bud,

I'll give you ten bucks

for one of these T-shirts.

- Oh, absolutely.

I'm glad you like 'em.

Finally, someone appreciates our humorous fashion.

- Hmm. - It ain't for fashion, buddy.

I'm gonna bust a nut in this.

- Ugh, little rascal. What can you do?

- Any form of discipline, honestly.

- Hit him.

How are we gonna turn this $10 into what we need?

*

- Ouch!

You scratched my neck, man! That's assault!

- Sir, I've got you on camera, all right?

You assaulted my friend.

What's your name, bro?

- Ah, it's not even red.

- Shoot.

- I can't believe we turned $10 into $7,400.

- I know.

I can't believe you lost it on one spin.

- I was on a roll.

- You bet on green.

- Bah! Well, you tried to flip the table over.

- It was so frickin' heavy. - Yeah, I know.

That's why I tried to karate chop it in half.

*

- Well, that's it.

We failed.

Lea's gonna quit,

and the only T-shirt we sold is now a little bully's nut rag.

Go ahead, Sam. Try and cheer me up.

- No can do, my number one pal.

We chunked it, and we chunked it hard.

- Well, let's go tell her.

- Hey. - Oh!

- I'm sorry to bother you,

but I know how important Lea is to you guys,

so I came in to crunch some numbers,

and it turns out that with my salary off the books,

you cleared enough money to pay the insurance premium.

- Awesome! - Oh, that's great. Thanks!

- Yeah, I thought that would make you happy.

So?

- Well, I solved the problem.

I'm an asset to the company. I proved my worth.

- You also proved that we can't afford to hire you back.

- Oh, Wallace, you idiot.

*

- I feel bad for him. - Yeah, I know.

He really saved the day.

- He did. - Lea, guess what.

- We got your insurance.

You can stay.

- We saved the day.

- That's actually really cool of you guys.

Thanks. - Come on in here, girl.

Come on. Come on, now.

- Get in here, little stinker.

Don't be a little stinker.

- Mm, you little stinker.

- Lea, were you really gonna quit?

- Yeah. - Oh, well,

you don't have to now, so come on.

Come on. Get a little huggy.

- Come on. - Little huggy in there.

- We love you. - We love you so much.

- Got to know we love you.

We definitely love you.

- I'm sure gon' miss this place.

- Get...out of here, man! - Get out of here, man.

What are you still doing here?

- I'm done with it! - Don't make me say it again.

It's gonna get ugly.

- Go!

[indistinct speech over P.A. system]

- You know, I'm really glad we got insurance.

I haven't been to the doctor in ten years.

Not since Spuds MacKenzie bit me at Autorama.

- Well, you tried to take off his sunglasses.

- He frickin' freaked.

- I'm so scared.

What's gonna happen when we go in there?

- I have no idea.

- I hope the doctor's hot like Terry Bradshaw.

- Sam Duvet.

- See ya, bud. - Yeah.

- I'd say I'm good for about 10 or 12.

That's not bad. Well...

- You drink 10 or 12 beers a day?

- Yes, of course.

- Pff...

- You're still counting.

- Yeah, I can just do 'em like this.

- Yeah.

- How many hot dogs do you eat in a day, Tim?

- I'd rather not answer that. Thank you, though.

- Not exactly.

Why are you bringing this up?

- Well, you have mustard on your shirt,

and frankly, your burps reek of hot dogs.

- I had a hot dog bowl earlier today.

Yes, I did.

- It's like a burrito bowl,

but it's chopped-up hot dogs in a big old bread bowl.

- So like a much larger, less healthy hot dog?

I'm starving.

- Oh, it's fine.

Can you tell me what these are?

- Looks like you've got a Vicodin,

Lipitor, two Percocet,

half a Pepto Bismol, and a green M&M.

Why would you do that?

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, my God.

- I think I'm pregnant.

I'm late.

- Ma'am, I don't think you can have a baby.

- You're telling me!

My parents would kill me.

Now, let's do this.

Where are the stirrups?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

- I can't have a baby!

I'm a dancer!

- Cheryl!

[indistinct speech over P.A. system]