Original subtitles

*

- Doughnut!

*

- * It goes one for the struggle *

* Two for the muscle cars

* Three for the trouble

- Tim! - That's on me.

That's on me. - Oh, Lord.

- Hey, guys.

Thank y'all for letting me use the copier.

- You needed that many copies?

- No, I only made three copies, man.

The rest of this printer paper's for my house.

Y'all coming to the show?

- We wouldn't miss it, Doughnut.

- See you there, Doughnut.

- Doughnut!

Yeah, y'all gonna need more paper, man.

- All right, no pressure.

- Stop it.

- No pressure. - Stop.

You know, when you say "no pressure,"

it just adds pressure.

- I honestly don't mean it like that, though.

- I know you don't, bud. You're my best friend.

- You're my best friend.

- Irv and Doris Smith are here to see you.

They don't have an appointment.

- It's no worry, Sheila. You can send them in.

Aw, Irv and Doris Smith.

What an unexpected pleasure.

Can we get you anything?

- No, no, no. Thank you, dear.

- Well, you're getting this hug.

I can tell you that. Come on.

- Oh. Mm. Mm.

- So what can we do

for Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture?

- Boys, we have to let you go.

- It's not you.

It's nothing you've done.

It's just that, I mean, we don't have the--

We have--

- We have to prioritize our finances.

- I see.

Uh...

This is some very unexpected news.

Uh, please allow me a moment to process it.

- We just can't afford to advertise.

We can't. I mean, the business is--

- We have to prioritize our finances.

- I don't know what that means, Irv.

- Boys, don't make this any harder than it already is.

- Please don't do this.

- I will get revenge on you.

- We're gonna bury you and your crap store.

- Please take us back. We can change.

- Oh, when we're done with you,

people are gonna laugh

when they hear the name

Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture.

They'll laugh.

- Let's go, Doris. - Yeah, go!

Go on, get out of here.

Who needs you?

Please don't do this, Irv.

- I'm sorry. We've made our decision.

- Okay. Okay, great.

Good riddance. We'll see you guys around, okay?

- Good-bye, boys. - Yeah, good-bye.

I hope the elevator falls as you get in

and it chops you in half.

- Tim.

- * Next time

* When they ask you

* Where you're from *

* You gon' say Detroit city *

* When we get back on our feet, yeah *

* Yeah

- Bet it's just a mistake.

I bet Irv and Doris call us tomorrow

and ask us to come back.

- I wouldn't go back to them

if Irv pleasured me orally.

- Or maybe we go to them

and beg them to take us back,

you know, tell them we'll work for free.

- I wouldn't work for them if Irv pleasured me orally.

- You keep saying that. - Oh, sorry.

Yeah, it's just 'cause of that billboard up there.

- Smilin' Jack.

What amateur put him on a billboard with his mouth open?

- I mean, every ad might as well come

with a stepladder and a giant can of spray paint.

- Smilin' Jack is Irv and Doris'

number one competitor in furniture.

- Yeah, lookit, right by the pubes.

You see it says "furniture"?

- Oh. He'd be a great client.

- Irv would be so pissed.

*

*

- I have never eaten here before.

This is really, really nice.

- Well, only the best for our client.

- I'm not your client just yet.

- Well, we'll see about that.

- Can I start you gentlemen with something to drink?

- Oh, here we go.

- I'm good with just water.

The bar has everything.

- Oh, no, no, thanks. No, I don't drink.

- No, no, no, of course not.

- Oh.

- So, like, I almost started to tear up.

- Oh, my God, I fricking crapped my pants.

- Yeah, man, I'm like, "Oh, no."

- Yeah, "What am I gonna do here?"

I'll have a double bourbon and a Vernors.

- I'll have a giant glass boot filled with beer.

- I'm sorry. We don't have that.

- Well, then your bar doesn't have everything.

- Sam.

- You know, I really--

I hate to waste your time,

but I'm really not looking to do more advertising right now.

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, no.

I'm so sorry.

- Yeah, no worries. I hear that.

- Okay, that gives me a certain amount of relief.

- Definitely hear that. - Thank you.

- I'm in the sweet spot,

not too drunk, not too sober.

- Me, too, baby. Let's go in for the kill.

- You got it, pal.

- Jack, you're known all over town as the guy

with a dick in his mouth.

- Well...it's not just dicks.

- No, it's not. - It's not.

- I've seen boobs. - Yes.

- I've seen poop. - I have too.

- I've seen a butt pooping boobs.

- Yup, yup. - I've seen Andre the Giant.

- I've seen that. Don't get it, but I've seen it.

- And let's not forget about the speech bubbles.

- Yup, yup. - "I'm hungry for turds."

- That's right by my church.

- "I'm thirsty for dongs." - Mm-hmm.

- "Feed me wieners."

- Do you think it's just one guy?

- No, Jack.

- But we at Cramblin-Duvet

can put an end to all that nonsense

by rebranding you

in a television commercial.

- To be honest, the billboards don't really bother me, okay?

I actually--I think they're kind of funny.

You know what I mean?

Young man, I know what you're doing.

You're busted. Yeah, that's great.

You're using forced perspective

to make it look like I'm fellating that bread stick.

Grow up. Grow up.

Oh, and there we go. Dinner roll balls.

Dinner roll balls, really original.

You know what? I am tired of this.

Sign me up. Let's do this.

- All right. - Oh, man, okay.

- Champagne...of beers.

- You've already had five drinks each.

- Just bring them!

- Oh, I am really excited right now.

This feels good. - It's gonna be great, Jack.

- Whoo!

- You guys, uh--

are you guys okay to drive?

I'm not okay to walk.

- Okay, well, come on. I'll give you a ride.

- Thank you so much. Shotgun!

- Oh, come on. - Here you go, buddy.

Thanks.

You guys heading back to the office?

- Yeah, but we need to make

a little stop somewhere along the way.

- Okay. - Oh, sweet.

- * Oh, what the future holds for me *

* Yeah

- Hello, Doris, Irv.

We just landed a little account that we like to call

Smilin' Jack's Furniture.

It's the premier adult furniture store in town.

- And not porno furniture. He doesn't mean that.

- No, I mean furniture for adults,

the big time, the show.

- We met at a conference once.

- Yes, Jack. - Of course.

How's her hip?

- It's really nice of you to remember.

She's back on her feet again,

just trying to keep those damn squirrels

out of her bird feeder.

- Enough!

What are you doing here, Irv?

Construction dude, blueprints.

I thought you had to prioritize your finances.

- Yes, we're using our entire advertising budget

to build a giant bunk bed on the roof.

We think that will raise awareness of the store.

- How big a bunk bed we talking about?

- 30 feet.

- Oh, cool. - Whoa. Stupid.

It's too big.

Come on, Sam. We got a lot of work to do.

- We wish you boys nothing but the best of luck.

- And we hope your store burns down.

- No, we don't.

- And the fire department can't find a fire hydrant,

so they have to put the fire out with piss!

- Tim, come on.

- You really think a giant bunk bed's

gonna be better than one of our commercials?

- I guess I do.

- Guys, I really got to get back to the store.

- See you around, Irv.

- See you, Doris.

- Say it meaner.

See you, Doris.

- Best of luck to you guys,

and I'll say hi to my mother for you.

!

Whoo!

- A bunk bed.

We've been replaced by a bunk bed.

- We need an idea.

Oh, I got it.

What if he has a pumpkin head

and he's Smilin' Jack

- Tim, that's your third Halloween idea so far.

- Oh, what if he's a wolf man,

and he's always howling about low prices?

- You know, I don't think we should draw attention

to what his mouth is doing. - It's just his head.

You don't see his mouth.

- You're a fricking brick wall tonight.

- I know. I know. I know. I'm sorry.

There's no bad ideas.

- A spooky skeleton.

- What if--

Is this my wolf man idea?

- No, Tim. Let me get this down.

- Oh.

Oh, wow.

And then this. - Oh, my--

Oh, that is cute!

- This is cute!

Yup! - Mm-hmm.

- Yes!

Yes, Sam!

What if a witch flies in?

- No, Tim. - Put it in!

- I'm not. - Sam...

this might be your masterpiece.

- This is funny. Really good, guys.

And the end is really sweet.

- Yeah. - Just it's a lot to remember.

- You are going to be fine.

All you have to do is, you are gonna step over here,

and you're gonna say, "My furniture is so nice,

when you see it, you'll pop."

Then you're gonna pop one of these balloons.

- Then you say, "My selection is so wide,

you'll go off your rocker."

Then grandma flips backwards off the rocker.

- Then you head over here, and you'll say,

"When you see my prices, you'll go ape,"

and then in comes the ape,

and we're gonna see a little more energy from the ape.

- A lot more.

- And then it goes on and on from there.

You'll for sure get-- Oh, one thing.

- Yeah. - When you smile--

- Keep my lips closed. - That's right. He's got it.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Chrissy. - Sam.

- Hi, sweetheart. - Hey, babe.

I just wanted to stop by and wish you luck.

- Thank you so much. - I'm gonna go home and change.

But don't forget, tonight's Doughnut's show.

- Oh, yeah, I will be there.

- Tim, tonight means a lot to Doughnut.

Promise me you'll make it.

- I promise you that I will be there.

- We'll both be there.

- Nobody cares if you're there.

- You're flat as a board, and everyone knows it.

- Sam. I'll be there. - Thanks.

- Yeah. - Good luck, everybody.

Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture

can suck my dick.

- All right, everybody, let's shoot one.

- Smilin' Jack Furniture, take one.

- And action.

- My furniture is so nice,

when you see it, you'll pop.

My selection is so wide,

you'll go off your rocker.

And my prices are so low,

you'll go ape.

Scheisse.

- Cut.

Hey, Jack.

Oh, God, yes. I'm sorry.

I am so sorry, guys. I just--I got a little scared.

There was a--an ape was barreling down on me,

and you just go on the defensive, you know?

- Yeah, that's okay. - Yeah, yeah.

You had never seen him with the head on.

- As a matter of fact, Mike,

maybe put the head on so Jack can see you with it?

- That's not necessary. I'm not stupid.

I'm not an idiot, okay?

I can see that he's not a real ape.

- Yeah. - So, uh...

Can we just go again?

- Yeah.

- I am sure. I'm 100% sure, yes.

I'm sorry, everybody.

- Smilin' Jack, take two.

- And action.

- My furniture is so nice,

when you see it, you'll pop,

and my selection is so wide,

you'll go off your rocker.

My prices are so low,

you'll go ape.

Holy shit!

- Cut. - Oh, man.

I'm sorry. I am sorry. That's me.

Let's just go again, please. That's the last time.

This is the last time, I promise.

I promise. That's embarrassing.

Boy, oh, boy.

Smilin' Jack, take three.

- My prices are so low,

you'll go ape.

No, don't.

- Take four.

- My prices are so low

that you'll go ape.

- Cut.

- Oh!

- Smilin' Jack Furniture, take 17.

- It's not a real ape.

It is not a real ape.

.

- 37.

- You'll go ape.

- Take 42.

- You'll go ape.

- Cut.

- Guys, that's a natural reaction.

Come on, Jack. Get it together!

- How are you getting more scared?

- Guys, I'm sorry. Hey, listen.

Maybe we can just, um, lose the ape part

and skip straight to the gymnast who's flipping over my prices.

- We can't just lose the ape part, Jack.

I mean, you can't go from grandma to gymnast.

It doesn't make any sense. I mean, am I crazy?

- No, you're not.

The script is not the problem here.

- Oh. - I'm sorry.

- Oh, okay. - No, no, no.

Hey, look, why don't we just take a break?

We'll regroup, and we'll calm down.

- I'm calm.

- We've done 42 takes. - Yeah.

- We're not even close.

We're gonna miss Doughnut's show.

Maybe we should just simplify it.

- No way. Right now, the Smiths are sitting

on their giant bunk bed, and they're laughing at us.

This next take is the one. I can feel it, Sam.

He's ready.

- He's ready.

- Detroit, show your love

for Doughnut Perkins.

How y'all feeling, huh?

That's right. Doughnut!

You know what drives me crazy, y'all,

is nerdy white guys who marry black women.

Am I right?

I mean, look at this nerdy white guy right here.

Uh...

Chrissy, where's Tim?

- He had to work.

He was my whole set.

- I'm sorry, Doughnut.

- Uh...

uh, moving on, y'all.

Doughnut!

You ever--so basically, um--

- Yes, you missed it.

- I am so sorry, Doughnut.

- You should be, man.

I was counting on you, Tim.

I'm never gonna forgive you for this.

You either, Sam.

Can we have two Downrivers, please?

- The body was found dead in an apartment

the FBI is claiming belonged to the real Santa Claus.

More after these messages.

- Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture

is the only place you need to go

for your teens and babies.

I said babies, Irv, not babes.

Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture.

- Ask for Irv and Doris Smith.

We'll be here.

- Aw.

We shot that commercial in one take.

Then Irv and Doris had us over to their house for dinner.

I miss them so much.

- Why did they do this to us?

*

- Guys...

I don't want to run the ad.

- Oh, thank God, 'cause that thing

is turning out like pure crap.

- Thank you for saying that.

I can't imagine what else it could be.

- Yeah. Oh, whew!

It's okay, though. It's okay.

You know, what we can do for you is,

we can set you up with some new billboards.

- Guys, I don't want to do the billboards either.

Advertising, it's...

it's brought me nothing

but pain and embarrassment.

I...

Look, I think we should just go our separate ways.

Un...be...lievable.

I mean, first,

you ruin our perfect commercial.

- Yeah.

Ooh, I want to bounce your head

against every glass window in this place!

- Listen, fellas, fellas, I think we all know

that this wasn't working out.

- All that means is that we need to try harder.

- Tim, I just think-- I think it's over, okay?

- Welcome back. Are you ready to order?

- Of course.

- All right, then I guess I'll just have a surf and turf.

- Yeah, I'll do the surf and turf as well.

- Yeah, and the calamari to split.

- Can we get mozz sticks with all the dips?

- Yeah, and then maybe a bowl of pasta to split for the table.

- Do you get bread sticks with the dips?

- And a triple bourbon and a Vernors

and an arancini ball.

- It's, like, an Italian rice dish,

sometimes with mac and cheese.

- Mac and cheese too, yeah.

Yeah, we'll take that one too,

please, with a little dip.

- Oh, I'll just share with them.

- This guy. Can you believe it?

Can you fricking believe it?

- Shh, calm down, Sam.

- Now that I've had time to process it,

I'm not even mad anymore.

- Nah, Smilin' Jack's a piece of shit.

What a week. - Yeah.

- You know what would make me feel good right about now?

- Going to see a giant 30-foot-high bunk bed

on top of a baby and teen kid furniture store?

- Exactly that. - Let's do it.

*

- Sam, Tim, hello.

- Not too good.

Turns out nobody cares about our giant bunk bed.

- 30 feet seems big until you put it

way up there on top of the roof.

- This was supposed to be just the first step in a grand plan.

Doris had the idea to have two inflatable teens

getting into the bunk bed.

- Preteens, dear. - Sorry, preteens.

- Beautiful, beautiful preteens.

You know, fuzz above the boy's lip

and gorgeous, innocent faces just covered in zits.

Best part...

we were gonna have a pump attached to the boy's crotch.

You know, teen boys just can't control it.

Now, it's not that he likes his sister in that way.

It's just that, well, they do share a bedroom,

and things get confusing.

Now it's never gonna happen.

Boys, would you like to hear

the world's saddest nine

For sale,

shoes for two inflatable preteens,

never used.

- Boys, will you take us back?

- Only if you'll have us, Irv.

- Oh!

*

- Would you boys like to come over for dinner tonight?

- Actually, there's someplace we'd like to take you.

[sniffling - Oh.

- You know what drive me crazy

is nerdy white guys that marry black women.

Am I right?

Look at this nerdy white guy right here.

Oh, his black wife cook him collard greens,

he's like, "Oh, thank you for the green beans."

Old small-ass dick.

His wedding day, he was like, "I do."

His wedding night, he was like, "Uh, I'm in."

What was your first dance, the Macarena?

Old dumbass white boy.

Doughnut!

Whoo!

Oh, shit, there's two old white people.

- Oh! - Oh!

- Can somebody tell me what the "Titanic" was like?

Doughnut!

Doughnut.

- Smith's Baby and Teen Kid Furniture.

- Ask for Irv and Doris Smith.

We'll be here.

- Cut. Cut. We're good. - We're good.

- Cut! - That's a cut.