Original subtitles

*

- You look beautiful tonight.

both: Thank you.

- My beautiful wife, of course.

Not my beautiful best friend.

*

- David, Joy.

Hey. - Hey.

- Can you believe your dad is turning 60?

So old!

You know what he needs to do?

Start eating soft foods so he won't

have to get dentures in a minute.

- That's not how teeth work, David.

- Okay.

We better go work on our speeches for your father.

- Y'all better bring your A-game.

I've got a little something special planned for tonight.

- You don't have to say that to Sam.

He kills it every year.

- All right, see you guys.

- Later.

These speeches make me so nervous

'cause you know Dad's just gonna pick it apart.

Ums and ahs

let the audience know you're not prepared.

- You know what you're gonna say?

- Please. I spent the last year crafting

two pages of hilarious jokes about Dad's mustache.

- Damn. That is good.

- Hey, happy birthday, Lawrence!

- Oh, hey, Mom. Hi, Daddy.

- My darling.

Son.

*

*

Dad, you...

you shaved your mustache.

- Yes, son. One should never stop evolving.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to welcome my guests.

- Look at you two all dressed up.

- Mommy. - Come here, sweetie.

- Hey, Mommy.

- And Tim, look at you.

Give me a twirl.

Come on! I love it!

- Greetings. Greetings, all of you.

My perfect wife and I would like to welcome you

to the celebration of my 60th birthday.

Now, my family teases me

about being too critical of the speeches

that people make at events like these.

But I think they're exaggerating.

But now, if you're gonna make a speech,

pretend that there's a little, tiny baby

seated way in the back facing the wall.

That baby needs to hear your speech as well.

All right. Enough with the formalities.

I think we all know what time it is.

Let's hustle!

Are y'all ready?

Let's do it!

*

Hey!

*

Whoo!

- So let's go. - Later!

Hey! Ho!

Whoo!

- Uh-huh! - Whoo!

- * Next time

* When they ask you where you're from *

* You gon' say Detroit city

* When we get you back on our feet, yeah *

* Yeah

- I'll never forget the day Mr. Duvet

looked at me and said, "Son, you must have

a great plan to be a great man."

Happy birthday, Mr. Duvet.

- That was very good. Thank you, Thomas.

Remember to enunciate.

[R&B music playing in the background]

Sam, these mustache jokes are great.

- Well, solid gold, baby.

But they're useless now. Don't worry about me.

My speech gonna be just fine, okay?

- Sam, take it easy on us this year.

- Oh, you know I won't.

- Yeah, this guy.

- All right now.

- What the--

There are clowns here?

- That's just Mr. Bones. He's good friends with my dad.

- I've never met a clown before.

You think you could introduce me?

- Tim, does a circus bear shit on a toilet?

- I don't know.

*

- Hey, Mr. Bones.

- Oh, hi, Sam.

- Yeah.

Uh, Mr. Bones, I want you to meet my best friend, Tim.

- Hey.

Oh.

I'm a little scared.

Is it gonna hurt?

Uh, where's your joy buzzer?

- I'm not working tonight.

- Uh, you're in costume.

- I just left a job and I have another job right after this.

- Well, if you could just do

a little something for me, Mr. Bones.

- I'm not Mr. Bones right now.

My name is Julian and I'm at my friend's birthday party.

Please, respect my privacy.

- Talking about one gag.

- Young man, asking me to perform here

is like asking a mailman to go for a walk on his day off.

Wait. Was that the joke?

I guess it's kind of funny.

I bet you drive a funny little car.

- I drive a 2013 Malibu.

- Oh, what the--

You know, I'm not gonna get every joke.

- And when--when I got down to that hospital,

they told me the bill had already been paid by Mr. Duvet.

I'm sorry. - That's okay.

Uh, thank you very much, Joy.

You see, this is why microphone placement is so important.

When it's just perfect,

you can hear you even through your tears.

Thank you, Joy.

- Molly, what are you doing here?

- Well, officially, I'm checking out

a B&E on Linwood,

but unofficially, your parents invited me

and they sat us next to each other.

Looks like they wish we were back together.

Well, they definitely wish

we were back together.

Nothing.

- You're fiddling with your balls.

You do that when you're upset. Now, who did this to you?

You know I can have anyone thrown in jail

whenever I feel like it.

I don't even need a reason.

- Oh, don't say stuff like that.

- There was this one guy, innocent as a newborn baby.

I cuffed and stuffed him in the back of my car

just to see what would happen and I was not disappointed.

- Stop. Stop--stop it. He pissed himself.

- Stop talking.

No one did anything to me. It's just...

I don't have anything for my dad's speech.

- But you crush it every year.

- Oh, I know. You don't have to tell me.

- Sam, you're fiddling with your balls. What's wrong?

- He's nervous about his speech.

- Oh, hey, Molly. Oink, oink.

I thought I smelled bacon. I thought this was

a birthday party, not a pig roast.

- Ah, it's so good to see you two.

- Yeah, you too. Where's your box of donuts?

- Careful or I'll bust you for that crack in your pocket.

- What crack in my pock--

how in the hell did you do that?

How did you do that?

- Okay, I've got something.

It's a bit of a Hail Mary--

the ace up my sleeve, if you will.

I'm going next. Wish me luck.

- * You are my sunshine, my only sunshine *

* You make me happy

* When skies are gray

- Shit! - * You'll never know, dear

- You were gonna sing "You Are My Sunshine"?

- Our dad does love that song.

- * Please don't take my sunshine away *

- That was wonderful. Thank you so much.

Now, some of you may remember that song

from the Coen brothers movie, "O Brother Where Art Thou?"

based on Homer's "Odyssey."

Now, if I may quote the great Homer,

let's hustle!

*

- Oh, boy, clown at a buffet.

Here we go.

- I mean, that is kind of a lot of rice.

Is that a joke?

- I'm just hungry.

*

That's the funniest food here!

- There's nothing funny about these pies.

I worked hard on them.

- Oh, well, I'm sorry,

because by the end of the night,

these pies are gonna be flying around the room.

You wasted your time, ma'am.

- Hey, back off my wife, man.

- Hey, back off my husband, man.

- I'm just saying, there is a clown in the room.

These pies are toast.

- Shh.

You see how big he is and how small you are?

- Come on. - Ho ho ho!

Mr. Bones is gonna these up.

Ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ta-da!

I love you, Uncle Lawrence.

- David, you have a degree in economics.

- Good job, baby.

Beat that, Sam.

- David, you have no external sense of self.

Take off your shirt.

Paste some eyes on your nipples

and a mouth on your belly button.

Then take a giant top hat and put it

over your head and shoulders.

People love that.

- That's a terrible idea.

Never mind. Don't do it.

- That guy's doing it right now.

- Hey, bud.

Your song was super cute.

- Yeah, I know I was cute. That's what I was going for.

- Well, I was just trying to be nice.

- Yeah.

- Why don't you go get me a few drinks?

That bitch waitress won't get me a beer.

- It's probably 'cause you're seven.

- Okay, sunburn. We're done here.

- Oh.

You cover your ears.

Cover your ears.

You know what?

Santa Claus isn't real.

Then who gave me this huge hog?

He asked Santa for a huge hog.

And he gave it to him.

*

- * I don't want nobody

- Look at you.

- He's more than just a father, he's a friend.

I love you, Dad.

To the best father

in the whole wide world.

- Yes.

- Well done. Well done.

- Uh, uh, do you mind if I say a few words here?

Does everybody remember when Mr. Duvet had a mustache?

- Yeah, of course we remember!

- It's fresh in our mind.

- I can hear a couple minutes of that.

- Great, because, um, I'm not saying

Mr. Duvet's mustache was big,

but if you turned him upside down,

he could be a push broom.

And it even looked like a push broom too,

'cause it always had food in it.

I mean, I've heard of a salt and pepper mustache,

but Mr. Duvet's mustache

was salt and pepper and pickles and onions.

- Whoo!

- I-I mean, you would see corn in his mustache,

be like, "Wait a minute, we haven't had corn in weeks."

Look at that picture up there.

Is that Mr. Duvet or did Cousin Itt

shave everything but his mustache?

- You are gonna make me throw up.

- Actually, Mr. Duvet doesn't have

the greatest mustache in the world.

He has the second-greatest only to Aunt Lacey!

all: Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

all: Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

- That's my husband! That's my husband!

all: Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim! Tim!

- Oh! Now, ladies and gentlemen,

I would hate to have anybody try to follow that amazing speech.

Therefore...

let's hustle! - Whoo!

*

- I can't believe you used all my jokes.

- You threw 'em out.

- That's before I knew they were gonna kill.

- Hey, you talkin' or you doin' The Hustle?

You can't do both.

- Sorry, Grandma.

I honestly have trouble doing both.

- You were great up there.

I couldn't take my eyes off you.

Do you act?

- No.

- You should.

You got the body for it.

You are a little gentleman.

- What are you--

hey, pal, why don't you take

your little huge hog out of here?

- Jesus. - Tim, he's a kid.

- Uh, Samuel.

Let me talk to you. What is wrong?

- I'm worried about my speech for Dad.

- Oh, don't be.

You may not be funny like Tim or thoughtful like your sister,

but you are the cutest little ladybug there ever was.

Hmm?

- Mom, have you been drinking wine?

- Oh, please.

Oh, look, there's Molly. God, I love that girl.

- Mr. Duvet, my favorite piece of advice

you ever gave me was to always remain excited for the future.

- All units, I've been hit! I need backup--

- Tonight, as we celebrate all that you have been,

remember, we also celebrate all that you will be.

Happy birthday, Mr. Duvet.

Now, that was a nice speech.

Somebody ought to ask her to marry him!

Son, I'm referring to you.

- Mom, I know. Oh, my God.

- Oh, no.

You're gonna do a spit take, right?

What kind of clown are you, man?

- Look around, kid.

The only clown in this room is you.

*

- Tim, I'm really freaking out right now.

I mean, I've got nothing.

What am I gonna do?

- Why are you stressed out about this?

You're always so good at things like this.

- I mean, Tim, I could get up there

and I could tell jokes and sing a song

and get hands clapping and panties dropping.

- This is a family event.

- That's not what I what I want,

you know? Not tonight.

I just want to let my dad know how I feel about him.

You know, let him know that as I grow older,

I see myself becoming more and more like him,

and it just lets me know that I'm headed on the right path.

- Samuel, that was perfect.

You projected wonderfully.

I could hear you all the way in the back of the bathroom.

- Thanks, Dad.

- Hey, guys.

Oh, man, who stunk it up in here?

- Well, I had an opportun--

- I did.

I stunk it up in here.

With a poo.

- Guys, check this out. It stinks.

- Well-- - Ooh, whoa! Whoa!

- Uh, yeah, that's my poop. - Hoo!

- There's still poop in here.

Why didn't you flush?

- He did flush. He flushed five times,

but there was so much poop that it got stuck in the pipe.

It's all according to Sam.

- Yeah, that's what happened.

- Yeah. And I pooped too.

You're also smelling my crap.

- Yeah. Hey, guys.

- * My eyes don't cry no more

* My heart don't ache no more

* Since you walked through my door *

* I don't have to no longer be blue *

- * You'll never know dear

* How much I love you

And I do, Dad.

* Please don't take

* I said please don't take--uh

* Please don't take

* I said please don't

* Please don't

- * Take

- * Please don't take

* My sun--

* Shine away--hey-hey

It's fine. Hard to go second,

so, had the idea first.

- Better than the kid.

- Okay, now, if there are no more speeches--

Julian.

Did you want to say something?

All right.

- Oh, boy. Here comes Mr. Bones.

Watch this, folks.

- He is not performing tonight.

- Shh. - Andrew Carnegie once said,

"As I grow older,

"I pay less attention to what men say.

I just watch what they do."

- Shit.

- Classic!

He slow-played me, baby!

- No, I don't know, Tim. I think he's really hurt.

- Oh, no, no, that was a clown fall.

Oh.

You brilliant master of the comedic arts.

*

*

- Yes!

In your face, pie lady!

Oh!

- I should kick your ass.

- Come on. Come on. Come on. Just sit.

Just--come on.

- Just sit. Just sit. Just--

all: * Happy birthday to you

- Everybody has a birthday.

all: * Happy birthday to you

- Men, women, boys and girls,

it's a time to reflect on your life.

all: * Happy birthday dear Lawrence *

- The past and future happenings.

all: * Happy birthday to you - I am very happy

because today is my birthday.

Let's hustle!

*