Original subtitles

*

- Oh, shit!

- Ow, ow.

- Yeah. - Okay. Oh, gosh.

Ow, okay.

Hi.

- I'm Sam. - I'm Samantha.

My friends call me Sam, so...

- What a coincidence.

My friends call me Samantha.

- Oh! - So...

- Sam. Sam!

Tim's stomach is upset,

and he wants you to come rub his belly.

- He wants you.

- Tell him to bring the Vernors. My guts are going nuts.

- And he wants you to bring a Vernors.

- Yeah, I heard him. - My guts are going nuts!

- I've, uh--I've got to go.

My friend can't poop unless I rub his belly.

I'll be right back if you--

- I think I'm gonna go. - Okay.

It's probably a no-go, okay.

- Okay. - Ooh, you're with a lady.

- Shut up, Tim.

- * Next time

* When they ask you

* Where you're from *

* You gon' say Detroit city *

* When we get back on our feet, yeah *

* Yeah

*

- So WebMD says I have colitis.

Turns out when I lost all that weight,

I thought I was getting healthier.

I was actually getting sick.

So now I can't have milk, ice cream, cheese.

Can't have yogurt.

- Dairy. - Yeah, exactly. Dairy.

Can't have it, so Chrissy made me

a dairy-free dinner last night.

It was actually pretty good.

God, I love her.

Honestly, every day I wake up,

I'm so thankful to have her.

When are you gonna settle down, man?

- Sure.

- Excuse me!

We're talking!

Move it along.

Thanks.

Seriously, man, when are you gonna settle down?

It's amazing.

- Yeah, Tim, I do want to meet somebody.

- Hey, I like your shirt.

That color looks great on you.

- Oh, so you just interrupt people?

Is that your whole gig, you interrupt folks?

We don't know who you are.

Later, dude.

Seriously, why are you not settling down?

- Because of you, Tim!

It's impossible to meet girls around you.

- Okay, that's insane.

- Oh, yeah, sure. Okay, I'm insane, then.

- Suit yourself, man. Giving you advice.

What if he's right?

What if he is insane

and I'm just a figment of his imagination?

Oh, man.

Oh, no.

Oh, crap.

Tell Sam the Vernors kicked in.

- Tim said to tell you the Vernors started working.

- Ah, that means he had to go home and dump.

- Everybody knows what that means.

- Yeah, grown man can only poop at home.

- I can poop anywhere, anytime.

- Okay. - Yzerman Drive was bananas.

- Yeah, well, it's Hockeytown, babe.

- Sandy, get me a pop.

- Make that two pops,

and I'll take some apps and ranch.

- Excuse us.

Can we use your stool for our jackets?

- Yeah, go nuts.

- Oh, remind me.

We got to stop at Meijer's

for some crackers and pop.

[The Spinners' "Could it Be I'm Falling In Love

*

- * Since I met you

* I've begun to feel so strange *

* Every time I speak your name *

* That's funny *

* You say that you

* Are so helpless too

* That you don't know what to do *

* Hoo

* Each night I pray

* There will never come a day

* When you up and take your love away *

* Say you feel the same way too *

* And I wonder what

*

- What the--

- You can't do that.

*

I'd like to order him a martini.

- Absolutely.

- I didn't order that, and I'm not paying for that.

It's a freaking scam, dude.

- Compliments of Councilwoman Gwinnett.

- Oh!

Ah.

- Hi there. - Hey.

Uh, thanks for the drink.

- Oh, sure.

Are you alone?

- Well, not anymore.

- I'm looking for a good time.

- Well...you found one.

*

- Cock-a-doodle-doo!

- Hey.

That was good. - Yeah.

- So...until the next time.

*

- I mean, well, there's got to be

a lot of reasons why she'd leave $300

on my nightstand.

- Sure, maybe she broke something

and she wanted to pay for it.

Morning hot dogs for Sam

and hot dogs Benedict for my lady.

- Thank you, babe.

- Well, she did rip my Superman underwear

when she took them off.

- Well, there you go.

- But if that's true,

she wildly overvalued them.

- Not if you account for sentimental value.

You loved those. - I did love those.

- You did. - Well, that's it.

both: That's it. We figured it out.

- That's easy. That's actually pretty easy.

- That's one of our best mysteries.

- No. Sam, she thinks you're a whore.

- Chrissy!

Why would she need a prostitute?

She's amazing.

- Hold on.

Eliot Spitzer was amazing.

- Is. - Is.

- He looks like Skeletor with the skin on.

Mm-mm-mm!

- And he used prostitutes, Sam.

- Mm-hmm.

- * If you want to know

* Where it all belongs

- Ow!

- * It's magic *

- Aw, suki, suki!

- * Oh

*

* If you ever go

* Don't be scared *

* 'Cause you know *

* There's magic *

* Na-ah, na, na-na

* Na-na, na, na

* Na-na, na, na, na-na-na

* Na, na

* Na, na, na

* Na, na, na, na

* Na-na, na, na, na-na-na

* Na, na

* Na, na, na

* Na, na, na, na

* Na-na, na, na, na-na-na, na *

- Oh, my God, you're a full-on prostitute now.

- No, I'm not.

My lady just likes her baby looking fine,

so she gives me monetary gifts

so I can buy nice things.

Now, where's the remote?

Rachel's giving a press conference,

and she said she's gonna work my name into her speech.

- I would like to assure the people of Detroit

that I have done no wrong.

And at the Sam time--

- Psh, barely.

- I'm sorry, at the same time,

I would also like to apologize to Speaker Roberts

for...calling him a Minion.

Any questions?

- Look at him.

- Over here.

- Right here, right here, right here.

- Councilwoman, I have a question for you.

- Hey.

- I'm good.

Anything happen?

- You know Cheryl who works on the line next to me?

- Of course.

- Turns out she was an undercover boss.

- No shit.

- Yeah, fake hair, fake nose, everything.

She's, like, the CEO of Chrysler.

- Wow.

- Sam's a full-on prostitute now.

Yeah, monochrome suit, earring, the whole nine yards.

- What an idiot.

- Such an idiot, getting all dressed up,

having drinks at fancy hotels.

- Then going upstairs for dirty, meaningless sex

with no strings attached.

- Monochrome suits, earring, the whole nine yards.

- No names, just sweat and bodies.

- Monochrome suit.

What do you want for dinner?

- Milk and cheese, please.

- You can't have dairy. - Pizza.

- I got you something.

It's a PANDORA bracelet.

'Cause, you know,

that's the nature of our relationship.

We both give each other things, you know.

Yup, this one's a heart, you know, for obvious reasons.

This one's an owl because you finished college.

And this one's a soccer ball because it's rad.

- I'm sorry.

Sam, did I misinterpret something?

Are you a prostitute?

Are you a prostitute?

- I'm sorry, one more time.

Are you sure you're a prostitute?

Of course I'm a prostitute, all right?

- Just checking.

- Good.

- Good night, Sam,

or whatever your real name is.

- It's Sam.

- From the lady.

- I don't want it.

Hey, wait...

I'm a fricking whore.

*

- Sam.

What is the meaning of this?

"Get satisfied today by Sam 'The Man' Duvet"?

- Tim, she pressed me about really being

a prostitute; I freaked out.

You know, I thought I got to create a paper trail.

- This is offensive.

- Tim, I'm not actually a prostitute.

- No, I'm offended you didn't come to me to produce this ad.

I could have done so much with you.

Can't even see your nipples.

How's it doing?

- Not bad.

A lot of texts, mostly wang pics.

The real mistake was using my actual phone number.

- Oh, sure, yeah.

- Oh, come on.

- Oh!

- Tim, you think this is all worth it?

Do you think she really likes me?

- No, man.

I think she thinks you're a fricking prostitute.

- Yeah, but I really, really like her,

and, you know, maybe if I keep this up long enough,

she'll discover that she really, really likes me too.

Like in "She's All That"?

- Exactly like in "She's All That."

- I have a delivery from Councilwoman Gwinnett

for Sam Duvet?

Councilwoman Gwinnett would like to see you

at the charity event tonight

at the Detroit Institute of Arts.

She'd like you to wear this.

*

- Tim, a tuxedo,

a charity event, a museum?

- Mm.

- Tim, tonight might be the night.

- You did it.

You "She's All That'd" her.

- I sure did.

*

- Change in plans.

I need you to get out of here.

- Yes.

Is that another pro?

Does he have an ad in the paper?

Because I do.

- That's my husband.

- Yes.

- Sam, would you keep your voice down?

- I will not keep my voice down!

- Okay, Sam, you need to pull it together.

- A man that I pay for sex.

- Yeah, but when we met,

didn't you feel a connection?

- No, not really.

You were at the Jefferson Hotel.

You were holding a single rose.

That's the signal for a honey boy

open for business.

- So that's all I am to you, huh?

Just some honey boy, huh?

That's all I am,

just some big dick for money, huh?

Is that it?

Just a veiny wang with a knot at the end

and two huge, pendulum balls?

Is that all I am, huh?

Yeah, just a guy with a Joe Louis fist in his pants

and a freshly bleached butthole you could eat off of?

Mwah! Mama mia.

Is that it?

Well, Rachel, this huge,

honking pecker is attached to a body,

and that body has a heart

and a soul and a brain

and arms, feet, neck,

and--and--and--and--and--

- Sam. - Yeah, I know.

I lost the thread there.

What was I s--

And just a huge pecker!

*

- From the lady.

*

- Thanks for the drink.

- I'm looking for a date tonight.

- That's gonna cost you.

How much?

- $1 million.

- Worth every penny.

- No, thanks.

- What do you mean, "No, thanks"?

We're pretending. What's it matter?

- It's pretend money.

- Okay,

what does a million dollars get me?

Salad tossing, to completion.

$500,000.

- Ooh!

Fine, I'll do it,

but my pimp's gonna kill me.

- Say, pretty boy,

what's your name?

- Sam Duvet.

- Ugh, Tim, that's nasty.

You could pick any name in the world,

and you pick my brother's?

- My name is...

Chrissy Cramblin.

- That's my name.

- I'm not good at making up names.

- Just come on.

Bubba Sparxxx.

*

- Hey, pal. You all right?

- I don't want to talk about it.

- Scandal rocks local government

as Councilwoman Rachel Gwinnett

was caught using city funds

to buy the services of a local male prostitute.

- Oh, no. My parents are gonna see this.

- Don't worry. They won't know it's you.

- The honey boy in question, Sam "The Man" Duvet,

was confirmed to be a prostitute

thanks to the following unreleased ad.

I can dance all night, baby.

Touching.

Licking.

Butts.

*

Orgasmic.

Well, how'd they get that?

- I sent it in.

It's the best thing we've ever done, Sam.

- We now go live

to Councilwoman Gwinnett's press conference.

- Once again, I apologize to the city of Detroit.

I've let you down.

I should have never consorted

with that bimbo.

And the worst thing is, he wasn't all that good.

- Oh, well, she's lying about that.

- Sure, I know. - He wasn't all that good.

And he had an aggressively medium wang.

- She's lying! She's a liar.

- Next up, Red Wings fans

have something to cheer about,

as they recover two frozen bodies from the ice.

- See those girls playing pool?

One of them was looking at you.

Come on, I'll introduce you.

- No way. - Oh, don't be nervous.

- I'm not nervous, Tim. You're just a terrible wingman.

- Fine, I'll just stay here.

You go on over there.

I'm just some guy at the bar

who doesn't even know you, doesn't love you.

Go on, buddy.

- Thanks, buddy. - Yeah.

- I got next.

- Well, that means you'll be playing me.

- Mm-hmm.

- I'm Sam. - Vickie. Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you. - Sorry, ladies.

- Don't. - I don't know this guy.

But I want to say...

- He seems like a great guy,

the kind of guy you'd be proud

to bring home to your parents.

Just thought I'd drop by and say that.

I'll get out of your way.

*

- That was weird.

Well, he's not wrong.

- Yeah.

- Mm!

- Yeah. - I'm sorry.

I just realized that last interaction

may have come across a little weird.

That's because I forgot to introduce myself.

My name's Mike Cyclops. I work for NASA.

- And let me just tell you,

there is a lot they're not telling you, man.

Trust me.

I worked security at Area 51.

Got kicked out for banging one of the aliens.

She was hot too.

She, he, it-- it had everything,

and I love that.

Oh, God, I miss her. I really do.

*

- Uh--

Uh, so what--

- I'm sorry. --

- I lied. I lied.

I do know him.

I was his Uber driver.

I just wanted to come over here

and tell you that, in case you felt

that there was an undeniable preexisting chemistry.

Yeah, I'm an Uber driver.

It's actually pretty fun. It can be fun.

- Yeah, all right. Yeah, great.

*

So--

Are you kidding me?

After you farted in my car?

- Tim!

- Didn't even roll down the window.

- Ew!

- I don't know.

I think, deep down,

I want to sabotage your relationships

so I can have you all to myself.

He's a piece of shit.

- Uh...

So, uh, Veronica...

- Vickie. - Vickie.

- Whatever. - Vickie, yeah.

I couldn't help but notice you were watching me,

checking me out from over at the bar.

- Yeah, you're that prostitute from the news, right?

I was never really a prostitute.

Let's make that clear.

She just paid me for sex.

- So that's all I am to you, huh?

Just some honey boy, huh?

That's all I am,

just some big dick for money, huh?

Is that it?

Just a veiny wang with a knot at the end

and two huge, pendulum balls?