Original subtitles

(sirens blaring)

- Testing, one, two, three, testing.

Hi, this is me, Tammy Lynn Beaverdorf.

And these are my memoirs

in case we don't get outta here alive.

I guess you know who I am by now

since my name is all over the TV,

but since everything they're

saying about us is a pack of lies,

I'd like to take this chance to set the record straight.

It seems hard to believe that

it all began less than six weeks ago.

I'll never forget that first day

we arrived in Orange County, California.

After spending all of my nearly 18 years in Port Bidet Day,

a shitty little town on the Mississippi Gulf Coast.

My daddy, or simply Vernon, as he preferred to be called,

had been transferred to a new company office in Abraham.

So there we were, streaming in the land

of sunshine and beach parties,

me secretly feeling like some sort of teenage time bomb,

aching to explode with a fire and joy

that had always been denied me in the south.

The only fly in the ointment was Vern's recent bride,

Clorette, an evil scheming bitch

in the guise of a born again Christian.

There was no love lost between us.

- Hey, look, Vern, there's Donkey Land

right down the street.

Oh, let's go, let's go right now.

- Not now.

We're hot, tired, and cranky.

— I'm not.

- Well, I am.

- Vern's not.

- Yes he is, aren't you?

- We'll go in a few days, sweetheart,

after we're all settled in.

- Okay, whatever you say, daddy.

I, I mean, Vern.

- Are you sure this is the place?

- ls it all right?

- This ain't nothing but a little post-war track house.

You promised me a glass and redwood palace.

- Clorette, now this'll do for now.

- I don't see why we can't live in a decent place.

I know how much money you have squirreled away

in that money market fund.

- That money is for Tammy's college education.

- Oh what college education?

She never even finished high school.

(phone rings)

- I think that's our telephone.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Noreen.

There ain't no Noreen here.

I think you got the wrong number.

Well, this is the new house.

- Come on brick too, you to Maggie.

This is your new home.

Come on.

- [Clorette] Oh my lord, no!

- [Vern] Oh, what's wrong, what's wrong honey?

- Just look at my Siamese cat figurine.

- I told you to let the movers take it.

They're the experts.

- Oh, I know what happened.

You kicked it back in Missouri.

- You're crazy.

- Now, it's all right, honey.

I'll get you a real Siamese.

Little playmate for Brick and Maggie.

- Oh no you won't, I hate cats.

(cat meows)

- I'm gonna go and watch for the moving van.

- Stop it.

I‘ We are weak, but he is strong I

I Yes Jesus loves me J’

- There now.

- Well, at least the TV's working.

- Oh my Lord, it's Pat Goon.

My favorite Christian entertainer.

Oh God.

Now that's my idea of a real man.

- Clorette!

Why don't you watch where you're going?

- What is this?

Nice girls do, now you can too.

Nice girls do what?

- What do you think?

- I asked you a question young lady.

Don't get smart with me.

- All right, Clorette.

You wanna know what they do?

Nice girls fuck.

They F-U-C-K, fuck.

- Vern, Vern get in here!

Vern, she said the F word.

- She did, did she?

- Hypocritical cunt.

- Vern, she said the C word.

- All right, young lady,

I've warned you the last time.

Clorette, get the Lysol.

- No, no, no!

(Tammy coughing)

- There, there, is that enough?

Have you learned your lesson?

- Vern, Vern, you wouldn't believe

the trash she has been reading.

Everything from Harold Robbins to Marcel Prust.

Where did I put those hefty trash bags?

- You leave my books alone you neo Nazi, slop pig!

- Well the lava obviously ain't strong enough, is it?

Where did I pack the Borax?

- No, no.

- Oh my Lord in heaven.

Vern, look what I found.

- [Vern] What is it?

- Well, it certainly ain't a good Friday communion wafer.

- How dare you touch my diaphragm?

Get your perfume paws off of that.

- Diaphfagm?

Why you no good little white trash whore?

- Am not.

lam still a virgin.

You could ask anybody.

I just got that in case I ever fell in love.

- Oh, fell in love.

Everybody knows you had a sickening

little trice with that retarded black boy down the street.

- We were friends you evil minded redneck sow!

Just because you are reformed nymphomaniac.

- All right, that does it, hike your skirt up.

I'm going to give you a lick

and you're never going to forget--

- You'd like that wouldn't you?

In more ways and more ways than one.

- Oh Vern, did you hear what she said?

You depraved little child of Satan.

- Tammy, you pull those panties down.

- Not this time.

- Vern, in here!

. No!

I'm too old to spank, it's wrong!

It's sick, it's unhealthy, it's wrong!

- You're obviously the expert on all.

- You're hurting me!

(People yelling)

(hand smacking) (man singing)

- Whack her good one time for Jesus.

- Did you have a good time?

- Tammy, I'm warning you.

- Well apparently Elmo did,

I could feel him smiling through your slacks.

- Why you little spy.

Open this door.

Open this door to Tammy.

. No!

- [Vern] Alright, stay there.

You can go to bed without your supper tonight.

- Well, that's just fine

because Clorette's a shitty cook anyway.

- [Vern] You just don't know when to quit, do you?

- Just leave me alone.

Leave me alone!

- [Clorette] Vern.

' [Vern] Huh?

- [Clorette] For you.

- [Vern] Oh,

Oh, all right.

Hello?

(dramatic music)

- [Tammy] I watched TV in a confused stupor

for the rest of the night.

Scared to venture out of my room.

Finally around three AM when I was sure they were asleep,

I made a famished run to the kitchen.

You stay away from me!

- I ain't gonna hurt you angel.

Swear to God all mighty, I love you.

- It's all right.

- How could I have ever whacked

the behind of the precious little girl I love so much.

Here, let me kiss it and make it all well.

- Vern!

You're embarrassing me.

- Why?

There ain't nobody here but your dear old dad

and his precious little girl.

- I don't know, it's just that, I don't know.

I just think that, well, some of the things we used to do,

I think they may have been wrong.

" Wrong?

What's wrong with a dad who

used to dress up in a blue velvet Scarlet O'Hare dress

and play with his daughter

like the twin sister she never had?

- Nothing, I guess.

- Or a dad who used to let his little princess

dress up in her real mama stiletto, high heels

and walk all over his face?

- I don't know.

- Or a dad who cut off a donkey's head

when that donkey sprung a boner

in his sweetest little princess's

birthday party on the lawn.

- I'm tired, I gotta go to bed.

- Oh lord, me too.

I gotta catch that plane at eight AM.

- What plane?

- Oh, I guess you don't know, do you?

I got a call from the home office.

Some fella dropped dead in Saudi Arabia this morning

and I gotta fly over and take his place.

- You're going to Saudi Arabia?

- Yeah, only for three weeks.

- Three weeks?

What about me?

I, I mean us.

- Everything will be all right, princess.

I'll tell Clorette that we patched things up.

She really loves you.

She's told me so a thousand times.

It's just that she's had a rough life.

Try and show her some compassion.

- Compassion?

I had a bad feeling trouble lay just ahead.

This proved to be the case

the very next day when Clorette came back

from taking Vern to the airport

slightly earlier than expected.

- What do you think you are doing?

- [Tammy] Nothing.

Just dancing around my T-shirt and panties.

ls that a crime?

- Oh, I dunno, it just might be to the eyes of God.

What is that sick sexual filth you're listening to?

- It's not filth, just contemporary rock music.

- With secret messages buried

between the lines by any chance?

- Crazy, there is no such thing.

- Oh, there's a lot You don't know young lady.

But you're gonna find out.

I've enrolled you in a nine week Bible study retreat.

- Nine weeks?

Clorette, that is the rest of the summer!

- Exactly.

I doubt that you'll have much need for that diaphragm now

that you'll be surrounded

by clean and wholesome Christian Youth.

- Vern said I can get a part-time job and go to the beach!

- The beach?

I bet you would like that, wouldn't you?

You'd have depraved little gidget.

Oh, I can just see you now,

like some little frisky chihuahua in heat.

Sniffing every blonde surfers crotch from Ring Con La Hoa.

Well, you can just forget it little miss sex machine.

You're gonna spend the summer with Christ.

- I'm not, I'm not going.

- You don't have any choice in the matter, young lady.

And just to make sure you're in the proper frame of mind,

I'm gonna give you a nice scalding Clorox enema.

. No!

- Young lady, on the double!

The devil loves you anyways.

The devil always knows the lower mouth.

- You're crazy, you're insane!

- Go on run!

See where it gets you.

But when they find your mutilated body

dumped beside a freeway, don't you ever say

that you didn't have that chance

to fall in step with Christ.

- I hate you.

You're crazy, you demented redneck bitch.

I walked for a long time after that

in a state of total anxiety and confusion.

Not knowing where I was headed.

Eventually I found myself at the local high school,

which made me feel even sadder being a dropout and all.

It's pretty much closed for the summer,

though the gyms and playing fields still seem to be in use.

- It's a beautiful day, isn't it?

- If you ask me, I think it sucks.

- My name's Gwen.

Do you wanna talk about it?

- Talk about it?

- Sure, why not?

- I don't live very far from here.

We could go back to my house and drink some herb tea.

Listen to some women's records.

Come on.

- Do you mind if I ask you personal question?

- The answer's yes, with a vengeance.

- Well, I was just wondering about your eye.

- Oh, that's just an old battle wound, you might say.

But let's talk about you.

How do you feel about men?

Do you find men repulsive,

disgusting little spaniels or not?

- I haven't had much experience really.

- That's a wise decision.

A very wise decision.

- And then she tried to gimme a scalding Clorox enema.

And I just freaked.

- Oh understandably.

Your parents sound like real vermin.

Why don't you move in here with me?

- Gee that sounds tempting,

but you know you don't have a whole lot of space in here.

Just a single bed.

- That's no problem.

We can just sleep on top of each other.

- You mean like having bunk beds?

Gee, that sounds like fun.

I wish I could.

- Come on, let me give you a back rub.

Slip off your blouse.

- Oh no.

I should go home.

You know, face the music.

- I insist that you spend the night.

- I better not.

Clorette's probably worried about me.

When we go through this at least three times a week,

you know, things'll settle down.

I think this is stuck.

- Then why don't you step back over here

and toss your pretty little muff in my face.

- What?

Oh, it's just locked.

You know it'd be a lot yesterday if you just--

- My skirt.

I guess I caught it on the latch.

Well, I guess I can get it mended.

Listen, I'll call you okay?

Maybe we can go out on a double date sometime.

Bye.

It was late by the time I got back

and I approached the house cautiously,

not knowing what might await me inside.

- [Clorette] Dear Tammy,

you vile this disgusting little pig.

Assuming you come back alive,

you may look around and notice that I'm not here.

I simply could not bear to expose my faith

to the repulsive demonic filth

you represent a second longer.

So I've gone on a religious retreat

for the rest of the weekend.

I hope that by the time I come back late Sunday night,

you have gotten down on your knees

and asked Jesus to forgive you because I can't.

Signed Clorette, not your real mother.

PS, here's 50 cents for food.

There ain't much in the refrigerator,

though I did fix you a nice big

frosty pitcher of Tang, which I know you are crazy about.

- Late Sunday night?

This is only Friday.

I got the whole weekend.

I'm free!

(upbeat music)

I was so elated, I couldn't even think about sleep.

Instead, I danced through every room

of the house all night long.

Smoking one cigarette right after another,

with MTV turned up as loud as it would go.

When I started to get wore out,

I wolfed down a handful of my real mothers diet pills.

Knowing they would give me as much vim

as they used to give her.

They filled my mind full of crazy thoughts

like running nude through a Kmart

or sitting on Richard Gear's face.

But more than anything they made me want

to do the one thing I'd never really done.

I called Gwen at the crack of dawn and I didn't mince words.

Gwen, the beach, you gotta take me to the beach.

Come on, come pick me up.

We gotta go to the beach.

God, I do not believe that you got us out here.

I mean, I'm going right outta my skull.

- Will you please get real.

- Real, shit.

I never felt more real my whole life.

I get any more real and I'm going to go

jump on one of those guys out there.

Hey, gimme another beer.

- Hey, will you slow down?

That's the ninth beer you've had so far.

- Slow down?

Shit I've been slowed down my whole life.

What's it got me?

Nothing but 18 years of bottled up frustration.

Hey, I got a great idea.

I am sick of sitting here.

Let's liven this place up a little bit.

Let's have a beach party.

Yeah.

I You stupid asshole. J‘

- Who needs to listen to that sexist garbage?

- Damn it, I want some action.

- Will you try to control yourself?

- What for?

- Cause people are looking at us.

- Oh yeah?

Well I am looking at them.

And I like what I see.

Hey, you watch this.

Come on everybody!

I'm here for the sound and I'm raring to go!

- Would you watch your ass?

Come on.

You Okay?

- I'm okay.

(men kissey noises)

- You're okay.

- What kind of beach is this anyway?

Do you mean to tell me

that all of them guys up there are all?

All of them?

- Come on Tammy.

You've had enough sun for one day.

Come on.

You feel better now?

- Yeah.

- Good enough to invite me in?

- Yeah, sure, come on.

- There's some Tang in the refrigerator.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

- Oh, is there room enough for two of us in there?

- [Tammy] In where?

- Forget it.

I'll wait, why don't you

brush your teeth while you're at it?

- You know, Gwen, I'm really only looking

for one special guy.

Don't ask me how I know

but this is the summer I'm gonna find him

and when I do, I'm gonna make up for lost time.

This summer's got special written all over it.

- Don't scream gidget or I'll blow

your cute little brains out.

All right.

Now who's she?

- A friend.

- Yeah?

Well friends like her baby, you don't need no special guy.

Go and get rid of her and be cool sweet thing.

- Gwen.

- Oh, hello gorgeous.

You feel like some company Gwen?

- Gwen, I don't feel well.

- Oh, what's the matter?

You got first time jitters?

I know, let me give you a shampoo to break the ice.

- Oh no, no, no, no.

Don't, don't come in.

I, I, I got the runs and it's all over the place.

- Oh, how distasteful.

- Yeah, it is real distasteful.

So I'm just gonna take some kaopectate

and and go straight to bed and I hope you don't mind.

- Well I do, but under the circumstances.

- I'll call you later.

- All right sweet one.

You feel better soon.

Remember, patience is not one of my virtues.

- Yeah, yeah.

(door clicks)

- Okay, alright.

Now where the hell's Noreen?

- I don't know any Noreen.

Are you sure you're at the right house?

- Yeah baby.

I'd know this bathroom anywhere.

Used to let Noreen have it dog style

right there against that sink.

- Don't you go start sniffing at me.

- Hey, don't provoke me, baby.

I'm so sexed up right now.

I could pump into a weasel and a miniskirt.

- Oh, I'm sure you could.

and have.

But if he so much is hike your leg against me,

the judge is gonna castrate you

with a pair of heavy gauge bolt cutters.

‘cause I happen to be underage.

- No, you happen to be as sadly frustrated

and loveless young woman.

You have it written all over you.

- Nothing could be further from the truth.

I happen to have two loving, adoring parents

and all of a sensuous satisfying sex

any normal girl could ever want.

- Yeah?

What do you do, go muck diving with your one eyed cyclops?

- Do you have a sinister mind?

She happens to be my chum.

- Yeah, I had a chum like that in the joint.

Okay, we're gonna move it into the living room

and you try anything cute then they're gonna be holes

in your southern fried face off the Matterhorn.

- Obviously absurd exaggeration.

Donkey Land is over a mile from here.

- Yeah?

Well this happens to be a 3.57 Magnum baby.

With a gun like this, I could send

Tinkerbell's brains to France and back.

- This Tinkerbell had some brains.

Not two greasy biceps and a soft spot between the leg.

(man groans)

- That was real stupid baby.

That was stupid.

Do you know, you come within a millisecond

of picking your shit lungs up off the crab grass?

- Look, if you're gonna ravage me,

why don't you just go ahead and get it over with?

- Ravage you?

Ravage you.

Baby, you've been reading too many

of those lonely broads paperbacks.

- I, I won't make a fuss, I promise, I just.

- Well in that case, forget it.

Hell, I like ‘em loud and rasty.

Ain't no fun unless the bed falls apart.

- You really are disgusting, you know that?

- Yeah, it was love at first sight for me too.

There we go.

Come on.

Right, now sit your down in that butterfly chair.

Sit down!

- [Reporter] He escaped 10 days ago from Folsom Prison

in northern California after Disemboweling

the warden's wife and stealing her clothes.

- Lies, shit!

No, she was fine when I left her.

God, it wasn't my fault she got tangled up in that wraith.

Jesus Christ!

Gimme a God damn fucking break!

You, are you hungfy?

- You are gonna die in the California state gas chamber.

You are just gonna squirm in your chair.

- [Boy] Starve, starve baby, see if, bye care.

- Maybe you won't even make to the trial.

Maybe some sadistic cop

will just beat you up in your holding cell.

- [Boy] That's it, that did it.

(Tammy mumbling)

Are you ready to be civil?

- Yeah.

- [Boy] All right, now are you hungry?

- Yeah, why don't you take me out to the sizzler?

- Sorry, they're closed tonight, how about some ice cream?

- [Tammy] Okay, but you gotta feed Brick and Maggie to.

- All right, which one is which?

- Maggie's the dark haired and depressed one over there.

- Depressed?

Why is she depressed?

- It's a long story, just go get my ice cream for me.

You must be hungry to, by all means

help yourself to whatever's in the cat box.

- Thanks, but I've eat all of that I'm ever gonna eat.

- So what were you in for?

- Mass murder.

- Who all did you kill?

- Just a bunch of rich scum bags, 19 in all.

They had it coming.

- [Tammy] Why, what did they do?

- Well for starters,

they're a real bunch of pukes, you know?

Where the love boats at.

That's where I nailed him,

on the head guys yacht with an uzie.

This guy made his fortune selling

torture phones to Latin American dictators.

And his wife, his wife, she was just as bad,

On the outside she was, she was as beautiful as a model.

But on the inside she was a drooling ghoul

with the kiddie porn snuff films.

They were just about to mutilate

the prettiest looking nigger girl you ever saw

when I blew ‘em all away.

Hell, I did the world a favor.

- So what'd you go to prison for then?

- They were good friends with the Reagans.

- [Tammy] Shit, talk about bum luck.

Sure sounds like you've lived

through a life of adventure though.

- You bet your pointy little tits I have darling,

have and will again.

- Just assume you didn't allude to my tit,

pointy or otherwise.

- Why, is it making you start to purr?

- I always purr right before I claw the skin

off the first mangy tomcat that smirks at me.

Just like you're smirking at me now.

- You better watch it, baby.

You getting me all excited again.

- Well, I have a feeling you were born excited.

You wanna know something else,

you're gonna die excited if you're still here

when my father, the chief of police gets back.

- Save it baby.

Your daddy's in Saudi Arabia.

I seen where he wrote down the flight information.

- Well, my mother isn't.

She's due back your anytime

with the rest of the women's gun club.

- Bullshit!

Your stepmother's gone for the weekend.

She won't be back here until she's damn pretty sure.

Your orbital corpse is drawing flies.

- What are you talking about?

Clorette's travel bag.

How dare you root around in her stuff like that?

- Here, thirsty, huh?

Thirsty, got a headache?

. 5o?

- Tiny Tylenol, what does that prove?

We just moved in, she hasn't had time to unpack everything.

- Thought Tylenol, think hard.

Doesn't this ring some kind of bell?

- It's safe now.

I mean, Christ, it's triple sealed.

- Seal's already broke on this one.

Pitcher of Tang in the refrigerator.

Maybe you'd like some.

- You know, maybe I would.

I mean, Clorette did make it for me.

Vernon and I are the only ones that drank it around here.

But she can't.

She can't stand the stuff.

- Here, here.

Smell, new flavor.

- Smells like smokehouse almonds.

- No, no, that's cyanide baby.

Enough in that jar to wipe Jonestown out 10 times over.

- I don't believe it.

- Jesus, what I do gotta do?

- Dear Clorette, here are the cyanide laced

Tang and Tylenol ready to go.

If the one doesn't work, the other surely will.

It is vital that we make Vern and Tammy's death

look like part of a random poisoning.

So do nothing till.

I dream of your hot baby oil hand jobs

and the church we will start with Vern's money.

Signed Burt.

Burt Killjoy, the pa, the the pastor

from the Port Bidet Baptist.

And everybody thought he was asexual.

- You better thank me baby.

I just saved your life.

- Can't believe it.

- Listen, I'm gonna go take a shower.

Maybe you feel more grateful when I'm nice and clean.

- Don't count on it.

- Baby, why don't you just admit it?

Honey, I am the most exciting thing

that's ever happened to you.

- [Tammy] Just shows you how much you know.

We have all kinds of excitement around here.

We're always chasing each other and yelling and screaming.

- That's not the kind of excitement I mean.

- How dare you touch me like that?

r Tammy, Tammy, Tammy's in love I

- Stop it!

Cut it out, I hate that song!

r Tammy, Tammy, Tammy's in love I

- I said cut it out!

r Tammy, Tammy, Tammy's in love I

- Shut up, I hate that song!

r Tammy, Tammy, Tammy's in love I

J‘ Tammy, Tammy I

- I told you to cut it out.

- Okay, all right, whatever you say, whatever you say.

- It looks like the tables are turned now, don't it?

_ Easy, easy.

If you fire that thing in here,

you're gonna blow your ear drums out.

- I'll just need to take that chance.

- No, no, don't do that.

You don't wanna do that.

- I will, unless you do exactly what I say.

- Anything, anything, you name it, anything.

I'll do it anything.

- Okay, for starters.

I want you to.

I, I want you to.

Damn it, I just want you to kiss me.

- Ooh baby.

- Please be gentle with me.

It's my first time.

- Baby I'm nervous too.

- I'm not sure we should be seen together yet.

- Don't lose your nerve now, Bert.

(Tammy moaning)

She's been back all right.

This place is a mess.

Oh, look.

Tammy?

- Shit it's Clorette.

- Tammy!

Oh God, here's the tang.

Oh God, doesn't look like it's been touched.

Damn it.

- Damn it Clorette, I told you to wait.

- Oh, I just couldn't.

The idea of being here with her

for three weeks was more than I could bear.

And when the Bible study retreat fell through

I just snapped,

- What if she called the police?

- Oh, Bert.

If she called the police,

do you think that this would still be here?

Good Lord Bert, use what few brains the lord gave you.

This never happened.

Start over.

- Let's get outta here Clorette.

- Would you get a grip of yourself

you yellow bellied and coward?

- What how you're talking to me Clorette.

- Bert, you're hurting me.

Does that excite you?

- Maybe it does.

- How much?

Let's see how much.

- I bet you want it right here, right in the kitchen.

- Come on.

I'm gonna grease the barrel.

- For Christ sake, not with that.

The neighbors are hear us for sure.

Let's just get outta here.

We can crawl through the window.

- You saying you want to throw in with me?

- I'm saying I wanna finish what we just started.

- And then what?

- Well, now that all depends.

- Oh baby.

You are sweet.

- Are you wearing anything?

- Of course I'm, this is my best suit.

- That's not what I meant you moron.

What do you think I am, a tree trunk?

Good lord.

You wait right here.

Where did I put Tammy's diaphragm?

- You sure you want to come with me?

- You bet I do, I'm tired of this suburban mediocrity.

- Things might get pretty hairy.

- Just as long as I'm not bored.

- We may get shot at.

- Beats staring at MTV.

- We may even die.

- Fine, just as long as you're inside me when it happens.

- All right, let's hit it.

My pants are in the John.

- I'm in here right now.

- Oh that's cool, I just need my pants.

(Clorette screams)

- Bert, Bert, there's a man in the house!

Go get your 44,!

- A man, where?

- Oh didn't you hear me you gibbery ninny?

Go get your Clint Eastwood special.

Take charge for once.

- Shit, it's painted shut.

- Fuck it.

I'm gonna face this like a man.

- Link!

(gun firing)

(Tammy screaming)

- No, no Link.

- Stay back Tammy.

- You can't kill her yet,

she's the only one that knows the truth.

- What truth?

- About the cyanide.

- So what?

Happy trails.

- We gotta keep her alive until Vern gets back.

- Are you out of your gourd?

That's three weeks.

Hell, the cops are probably on their way right now.

- No, we have to.

Vern will never believe it unless she tells him.

She's twisted his head around so much,

he'll probably think I did it.

Aint it so?

- Yeah, we'll tell him everything.

We'll get it all cleared up.

He made me do it.

- Shit, it's the cops.

You, over there.

Okay baby, this is it.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now you just watch her and let me handle this.

- No, you just open that door and stand back.

- You do that and you'll have

a SWAT team here in less than five seconds.

You just get back.

Yes?

- Yes ma'am, one of your neighbors reported hearing a shot.

- Oh yeah, you know, I think I heard that too.

I, I just thought it was a car back firing.

- You mind telling us how you got that blood on your leg?

- My goodness.

This is really embarrassing.

But I was just in the process of changing my Kotex

and I heard the doors chime and I.

- Well it certainly does look like

it's coming from that region.

No harm in a cute young gal

having her period, is there Ken?

- Not unless there's a new law I don't know about.

- Now if you guys are finished smirking

about my female functions,

I'd like to go take a sponge bath

if it's all the same to you.

- Sure thing ma'am, sorry to bother you.

- Christ, what a mess.

Why don't you make yourself useful Clorette and clean it up?

I'm sure as hell not gonna do it.

Link, why don't you throw that blanket over him?

No need for her to be staring into his dead eyes all night.

We're not sadists.

Not like some people I might mention.

- Okay baby-

Go grab yourself a toothbrush and a clean pair of panties.

‘Cause we're taking off.

- Why?

Everything's alright right now.

- No way, my adrenaline's going ape shit.

I'm all jacked up and ready to pop.

- Oh, well don't you pop just yet, cowboy.

- I do hate to leave a job half done.

- I guess I could keep till morning.

(dramatic music)

- I've just been dying for this, dying for it.

- Yeah, me too baby.

So many wasted days and lonely nights.

- I thought I was never gonna find the right guy.

- Must have had lots of chances.

- I guess I did.

I don't know, guys in Port Bidet are a pretty sad lot.

They're either born again baptist types,

you know, with white socks and blow dried hair.

Or there's a redneck pork bellied duster driving morons.

Can't even tell the clitoris from a broken fan belt.

- I'm glad you waited.

- I am to.

- Boy, I could just stay here in this room

and have everything I'll ever need for the rest of my life.

- No reason why you can't.

At least till Vern gets back.

- Well it is tempting.

I have a lot of lost time to make up for,

I guess we both do.

- That ain't no lie.

Well, I guess I better go check on Clorette.

Get us some breakfast.

- Hey, now don't y'all fix me none of that tang, ya hear?

- [Tammy] Don't you worry about that.

Good morning you scheming sack of slime.

I brought you little breakfast.

Granola bars, toast, coffee?

Thought I'd started out with

a nice big frosty glass of Tang.

. No!

No.

- Come on, open up.

Plenty of vitamin C here.

Come on.

- I'm still alive.

- Well of course you're still alive.

That's regular Tang.

I just wanted to see the look on your face.

- It was all Bert's idea.

Well, he wanted to take the money

and start a storefront church in Tustin.

I knew it was wrong,

but he hypnotized me with those Charles Manson eyes.

- Shit, more like Bambi eyes.

Probably walked all over him you domineering she devil.

Probably keep his nuts in your vinyl cigarette case.

- Well at least he tried to tame me,

which is more than I could say for that nutless nebbits

you insipidly refer to as your father.

- You watch what you say about my father,

you white trash pig.

If he's mean and fucked up it's ‘cause of you.

He never used to be that way.

- Oh didn't he?

From what I hear, your mother was no prize either.

- You shut your mouth.

- Always running off to New Orleans.

Running up against the first man,

dingo stud dog that sniffed her tail.

Like some crazed bitch in heat.

- I'm gonna kill you!

(Clorette screaming)

- For Christ sake, knock it off.

Your neighbors are outside working on the car.

- Sorry, she just pushed one of my buttons.

- Well just calm down.

Jesus, now look here, I'm gonna go get us a set of wheels

and it shouldn't take no more than an hour.

- [Tammy] You're coming back, aren't you?

- Yeah, sure.

- [Tammy] Because Link.

- What?

- I know this is gonna sound stupid and crazy romantic,

but I think I'm in love with you.

- Oh baby.

Better be careful.

Last girl said that to me got her head knocked off

when she stood at the top of a roller coaster.

- Well, I know one thing.

I don't stand up at the top.

- No, what do you do?

- Squat.

‘ D0 you?

Do you?

- What?

Let's, why don't you give it to me right now?

Right now with her watching.

(phone ringing)

- You're a kook, you know that.

You better go get that.

I'll see you in a while.

(phone rings)

- Beaverdorf residence.

Vern, my God, where are you?

Mecca.

Oh boy am I glad you called.

You sound drunk.

Vern listen, you are not gonna believe what happened.

What?

Vern, I do not wanna talk about my real mother now.

What?

No, it was an accident.

She was drunk on menchulips

and she saw bluebird fly into the tree shredder,

reached in after it and she got sucked in.

What do you mean there weren't no bluebird?

You just said there was?

As a joke?

And she fell for it.

And you didn't try and stop her?

I see.

You feel better now that you've talked about it.

Well that's just fine Vern, great.

That's just great, yeah.

Everything's just fine.

No, she's lying down with a migraine headache right now.

I'll tell her.

Right Vern.

Oh, I can hardly wait myself.

Bye.

Fucker.

Boy, that was fast.

- Yeah, I got lucky.

- Whose was it?

- I didn't catch his name.

Just some deranged Filipino foster parent

whipping the shit out of his five-year-old amputee kid.

I held him down, let the kid bite him.

He won't be reporting the car stolen for a while.

- That kid must have some bite.

I mean, you are soaked in blood.

- I got you these.

- Oh Link, they're so beautiful.

Where'd you get them?

- Don't, don't ask.

Who was on the phone?

- Oh, just some obscene caller.

- Must have said something pretty wild.

You look a little piquey.

- am.

They're playing my favorite song.

Dance with me, right now.

- Alright.

I don't wanna get blood on you, let me take this off.

- I don't care.

(dramatic music)

I feel so good right now.

- Yeah, me too.

It's been a long time

since I've had this kind of sweet tender female tenderness.

- Link, do you think you could ever fall in love with me?

- Ah shit baby, I already have.

(dramatic music)

- [Tammy] The next week passed like a montage

of sheer and total romantic bliss.

When we weren't sunbathing in the backyard,

sharing intimate secrets

and laughing joyfully over sweet nothings,

we were going for long and wind swept drives

through the vast mediocre expenses of Orange County.

Drenched with a corny yet mutual enthrallment

that was all almost too much

for our mere physical bodies to contain.

I suppose we packed a lifetime into that single week

with more joy and laughter, more bliss and euphoria

and more good, clean, honest, heavy-duty fucking

than most timid couples know in 20 or 30 years.

By the fourth day, Bert was starting to stink pretty bad.

But we even turned disposing of his body

into a fun packed afternoon.

(dramatic music)

I believe even Clorette saw how in love we were.

Behind that gag,

I sensed a soft headed gaze of bemused approval.

I guess she couldn't help seeing what all people,

no matter how foul and deranged have always seen.

The world truly belongs to young lovers.

Still the problem of exactly what to do

about Clorette continued to nag.

Knowing as I did now that Vern

had caused my real mother's death

I had pretty much abandoned my original plan

to simply keep Clorette alive long enough to confess.

Instead, between hot kisses

and hotter still bouts of ecstatic sex,

I pictured both Vern and Clorette strung up in the garage

like rancid sides of beef.

Link and me shoving clutch hooks up their asses

and yanking hard,

till everything slipped out like a pinata full of guts.

Of course I kept these visions to myself,

not wanting to disturb our perfect bliss.

And perfect it was.

(dramatic music)

You know, something Link?

I never even thought it would be possible to be this happy.

- Me neither baby.

No, before you, love and sex was always,

was always just two different things.

- This may sound kind of crazy,

but if I ever thought that for one second

you and I wouldn't spend the rest of our lives together,

I'd walk right into that ocean.

I wouldn't even come back.

- That's silly baby.

You shouldn't even talk like that.

- Link, well we will always be together, won't we?

- Yeah, yeah, sure we will.

If not in this world then in the next.

- What do you mean by that?

- Hey, you see those beach houses up there?

That's where all the rich people live.

John Wayne used to live right back there

before he checked out.

That house on the end.

- Yeah, I know, it's Pat Goons beach house.

Pat Goon, God, he's such a puke.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

- I mean, how come nobody ever kills somebody like him?

Why is it all the the cool people die young?

You know, like Jim Morrison and James Dean

and all the prudes and the tight asses,

they go on living forever.

- Beats the shit outta me baby.

Come on, we better head back.

It's starting to get cold.

- Come on Link, we better hose of sand off our feet.

You know something?

You sure do Look good right now.

Feel like fucking?

- What do you think?

- Shit.

- [Gwen] Tammy, are you back here?

- It's Gwen.

- Well look at you.

You've been to the beach and you didn't even call me.

- Well it was a sort of

a little spur of the moment thing, Gwen.

- Well you've really become quite

the little gidget, haven't you.

- ls there something specific on your mind Gwen?

- Not really.

I was just concerned about you.

You know what you told me about your stepmother and all.

(garage banging)

What's that?

(Clorette banging)

- Rats, we, we have a problem.

‘ Really?

You really should get an exterminator for that.

- Yeah, well, I think we might just do that.

I'd, I'd ask you in but.

- Well why don't you?

- I have to make a bunt cake.

- Oh well I'll lick the bowl.

- Gwen.

- You seem changed.

Somebody hasn't beat me to the punch, have they?

- I really don't know what you're talking about.

- Oh don't you.

Please tell me it wasn't a man.

- Gwen, you're hurting me.

- Yeah, well not as much as you are hurting me!

I'm sorry.

- Forget it.

- Listen, I really did come to see you for a reason.

- Yeah, well I know the reason.

- No, I, I need your help.

I have to see my ex-husband.

Yeah, as incredible as it may seem

I used to be married to a man.

Well anyway, he tends to be violent

and I'm afraid to see him alone.

I want you to come with me.

- Alright.

What time?

- I'll pick you up around six o'clock.

Tammy, why don't you invite me in for coffee

and sit on my face?

- Gwen, the bunt cake.

- Alright.

But I will not be deflected much longer.

- Just what the hell's the matter with you?

- Nothing.

She's my friend and she needs my help.

Also, I don't like being told what I can or can't do.

Not by you or anyone.

- Yeah, well you just asking for trouble, you know that?

- Maybe I am.

Maybe I like trouble.

Did you ever think of that?

Now weren't we gonna do something

before we were s rudely interrupted?

- I wish you weren't going. (doorbell rings)

I got a funny feeling about her.

- Don't worry, I can take care of myself.

- Can you?

- Link, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were jealous.

- No way, baby.

I got something she don't have and never will.

- What's that?

Two eyes?

Hi Gwen.

- There he is.

McGarret, you're a dead man McGarret.

I hate you, McGarret.

You're no good.

You're a dead man McGarret.

- Don't fucking breath you sniveling little wimp

or I'll blow your goddamn brains out

Link, Link!

-8-.

- Whip one out and I will!

- Yeah, you skank!

You goddamn psychopath.

- You bet your ass I did, five days after you did.

- Shit.

- Where I the hell's Noreen?

- That's a sad story little brother.

According to the paper, Noreen

and some Latino douche bag manufacturer from Pico Rivera

were trying to hot wire the Oscar Meyer Weenie mobile

when little Oscar, he's an old man now,

he come outside with a shotgun and he blew their heads off.

- The weenie mobile.

What the hell did they want that for?

- I guess it's a collector's item now.

Come on little bro, grab yourself a brew, it's cool.

There's some swelling new people living here now.

- Oh yeah.

who?

- Come on, I'll tell y'all about it.

_ Qkay-

- [Tammy] Are you alright?

You seem a little tense.

- You have no idea what this man has put me through.

- What is it that you need to see him about?

- It's just a minor discrepancy in our property settlement.

- Yeah, so that's the way it stands right now.

I'm just keeping the stepmom alive

out back alive until the old man gets home.

Hell, if it's up to me, man,

I'd bleached her the first night.

But anything to please Tammy.

I'm telling you she is some gal.

I just know you're gonna love her.

‘Am I?

You know I don't watch Cotton to pussy the Link.

Never have never will.

- Troy, you watch how you talk about Tammy.

Now she's just not some pig

I picked up in a cocktail lounge.

She's a real genuine three-dimensional human being

and I love her.

- Oh yeah.

She must be one hot fuck.

- Troy, I mean it, watch your mouth.

- You watch my mouth.

- Alright look, now you just got out

and I don't wanna start nothing

so let's just change the subject.

Now just tell me how you escaped.

(Gwen knocking)

- Yeah, go.

(Gwen knocking)

Alright.

- Brace yourself Tammy.

- Hey guys, come on.

- Me, you worm!

- Hey, hey get off me.

What are you doing?

Hey, get off me.

- [Gwen] Tammy, help me.

- [Man] What's that?

- [Tammy] Gwen, what are you doing?

(man crying out)

Oh God!

- [Man] What are you?

(man crying)

- Are you all right?

- [Gwen] Tammy, come on!

(man whimpers)

- So then I went totally ape shit.

Running through the cell block,

screaming if my big brother Link

ain't around no more to save my blonde butt

from getting fucked to death by all the big black guys.

Well then what the hell?

I ain't got nothing to live for anyway.

And those pigs fell for it.

Hook, line and sinker.

- That's good, that's really good.

- As soon as I got transferred to the middle ward,

hell I was practically home free.

All I had to do was slit a shrinks throat,

disguise myself as a 300 pound Filipino nurse.

Gut too orderly and stabbed three guards

and I was gone like a cool breeze.

Well, it's good sitting next to you again like this.

Real physical like and all.

And you don't know what it was like

in that cell after you split.

- Yeah, well a lot's happened since then, Troy.

- Yeah?

It sure is hot tonight.

I think I'll peel off my shirt.

Why don't you peel off yours too?

- Look, don't, don't get weird man.

- Since when are you against getting weird?

- That was Folsom, this is Orange County.

- It don't make no difference to me.

Want to arm wrestle?

- No, no, not right now.

- You wanna rough house?

- No, look, I'm in a mellow mood, that's all.

- Well, I'm not.

Come on, let's fight!

You know the rules.

Loser takes it up the ass.

- No, sit down!

Jesus Christ Troy, you're getting me nervous.

Can you just sit down?

Troy, will you quit it?

Troy I mean it.

Now you getting me mad.

- Pussy.

- You're really getting me mad now Troy.

l'm not playing-

Asshole!

You'll pay!

- Revenge, Biblical justice.

Call it what you like.

I call it God damn invigorating.

Have you ever seen anything

to compare with a look on his face?

(men grunting)

- Get off me.

I mean it.

- Something different huh?

You didn't plan on this now, did ya?

- Alright Troy, it's gone far enough

just like you always wanted it.

Fun games are over, okay?

That's enough Troy.

- [Troy] So now the tables have turned,

how's it feel to be on the bottom, huh?

- I don't like it troy.

- [Troy] Let's get that belt buckle loosened up there.

- Troy, Troy, Troy, Troy, this has gone far enough!

- Oh far enough yeah?

All we need is something to grease the shoot.

- Will you let go of me?

- I see something.

- I feel incredibly powerful right now.

Can we make love?

- No, I have a headache.

- I'm not in any mood to take no for an answer Mary Cochet.

- This aint funny, Troy this aint funny!

- It aint supposed to be.

- Link, you gotta, oh my God!

- Tammy, please let me explain!

We were just horsing around.

This here's my best buddy Troy.

- So a couple of rapists!

I fantasized this moment.

You have used that thing

to degrade a woman for the last time!

- Jesus Christ.

That bitch just trying to cut off my dick.

- Stuff it back in your pants you dumb peck of wood.

- I always knew you were too kind

and gentle to be a real man!

Never thought you were actually a homo!

- Honey, I'm not the homo.

Troy here's the homo.

I never took it up the ass in my life, not even once!

- That was just about to change.

- I aint got nothing to live for anymore!

- Tammy, come back here.

You gotta understand how it was in prison!

Tammy, come back, don't be stupid!

- Tammy, Tammy, come back, come back.

Come on, let's take Gwen's car.

_ Qkay-

- I know where she's going.

- Criminal Link Cutter and Troy Brady, his cellmate.

Both of them are real scum

who escaped from Folsom Prison last week.

Both men are armed and extremely dangerous.

If you have any information as to the whereabouts

of these criminals,

please call this anonymous hotline number.

I squeal.

Simply dial I squeal.

And a policeman will be waiting to answer your calls.

And if you happen to be a lesbian, it doesn't matter.

We would like to hear from you.

Please call this number.

Just dial I squeal.

- I know she's fucked up Troy, but I love her.

- I know you do.

And I can see why now.

I take back everything I said.

- Christ.

I just hope we're not too late.

- Oh, it's getting cold.

- Yes, officer, I wanna make a confession

about something that I personally did.

And I'm not sorry for it.

But first about those two convicts,

I know exactly where they're holed up.

The address?

Hold on, let me go check.

Hello Officer, I got the address.

Do you have a pencil?

Okay, I'll wait.

Okay, the address is 951 D--

- It's too cold.

I guess I'll use a gun.

- There she is.

- Tammy!

(gun firing)

- I knew you'd stop me.

I knew you would.

- There, there baby, it's all right.

- ls it really?

- Sure it is, Troy's cool.

That's what I was trying to tell you back at the house.

Sure we dicked around a little in the joint.

But baby, that don't mean I love you any less.

- I just don't know.

I mean, I thought you two were--

- Baby, come on.

It's an ACDC universe.

Hell, Troy swings both ways, don't you, Troy?

- Yeah, I guess.

- See what I tell ya?

Come on, we're gonna be one big happy Menage 3 trois.

Just you wait and see.

- Ménage é trois?

What the hell is that?

That sounds dirty.

- He means a Ménage é trois, the T's silent.

- Oh, one of them French deals.

- That's it, baby.

Come on, what do you say?

- Well I guess if the French can do it, we can too.

- That's the spirit.

Come on, I'm starved.

Let's go grab a breakfast jack.

(dramatic music)

- [TV] As our young people have inspired us,

that's our purpose wherever we go,

that our lives might be made a blessing.

- I tell you, Vern, you're lucky

to get out of that country with your dick.

- That's no lie.

Hell, as far as I knew,

I was just taking a piss on a wall.

How was I to know it was one of them God damn mosques?

Well, thank you much Jeff.

We'll see ya.

Clorette, Tammy.

Clorette?

(dramatic music)

Tammy.

What the?

Clorette?

Tammy?

Oh my God.

Tammy!

Tammy Beaverdorf, where, in the--

(Clorette banging)

Clorette?

Clorette.

Clorette?

Shit.

Clorette?

What the hell?

Just hold on.

What happened?

- Don't believe a word they say Vern,

no matter what they tell you, it's a pack of lies.

- What are you talking about?

Who did this to you?

Was it Tammy?

- There they come!

Shut the door.

Shut the door you idiot!

- Gonna back her in, just in case we gotta move out fast.

- Wait, I'll get the gate.

- Good idea.

- He is a killer Vern.

He's an escaped convict.

They've been bucking each other

like wild rams like there was no tomorrow.

- Sh, hush.

- Did you hear that?

- What?

- I don't know, it sounds like a sticky rod.

- For a couple of nuts riding too high.

Pop the hood.

- All right, all right, boost her!

- Link, come here quick!

- My favorite song.

(rock music)

- Oh shit.

- She took some of that Tylenol.

- I guess she's had her last headache.

- Damn.

This makes me a little bit sad.

I mean, I know she was pushy and turned out

to be a psychopath, but I still liked her.

- Yeah, she seemed like good people till last night.

- She was good people till last night's.

Just everybody turns out to be a little rasty now and then.

I Cruising on the highway r

I Feels good to see open space J‘

I‘ I don't feel like a prisoner I

I I don't feel like a basket case 1*

I I turn the radio up to ten you know I found my place I

r Getting up, put the dishes out I

I Put the trash back in it's place r

I‘ Now that I'm a man I'm gonna piss right in their face I

I Cause my old mans a fatso J’

I He's got a bathtub for a mouth r

- Come on, let's stick her the garage.

- [Tammy] I gotta take a tinkle.

- Oh shit.

- Wait, let me move the car first.

- Hey, it's not even locked.

- Man, I'm sure we locked it.

Let's open it up.

Holy shit.

- Oh shit.

He wasn't due back for another week.

I guess Troy sensed how weirded out

I was by everything that had happened

and so stuck with me the rest of the day

while Link was off taking care of a few loose ends.

By the time the sun was going down

behind those mediocre tract homes,

I felt as though I'd known Troy all my life.

And I had to admit he was not a bad guy.

- [Reporter] His body was found on the beach

where he was struck down by the assailants bullet

while jogging near his Newport Beach home.

Why anyone would want to harm a man

who practically epitomized every decent

and mediocre American virtue remains a mystery at this hour.

But police in LA and Orange counties are pulling out

all stops to solve the case as quickly as possible.

And now a retrospective look

at the multifaceted career of Pat Goon.

- Ain't that something?

Lincoln and I were just talking about that the other day.

How aint it a pity guys like him never seem to get it.

- Maybe God was listening baby.

Sounds like they nailed him right down there at the beach.

- Jesus, it could have got us.

- I'll bet whoever shot him

is laughing his butt off right about now.

- Probably so.

- I sure laughed my butt off when I killed my parents.

Hell, I ain't laughed so hard before or since.

- Well, hell, you had a lot to laugh about a little buddy.

He wiped out a whole meeting with the PTA.

- It was part of the plan.

I was trying to make it look like some psychopath done it.

- Christ, are they gonna show this thing again?

I'm sorry, but I gotta go to bed.

- Yeah, me too.

- Hey, what about me?

Where I am gonna sleep?

- Where do you think?

You march your bum right in there you juvenile delinquent.

- [Tammy] Hey Troy, shut that damn thing off, will ya?

- [Troy] Oh yeah, sure.

. HEY-

Some fun in the sack last night, huh?

- Yeah, sure beats watching MTV.

- Hey, are you still sad about Vern?

- Yeah, I can't help it.

I just keep thinking about it all the times

we used to put on our matching Scarlet O'Hare dresses

and romp around the house like we were twins.

- It's good to have memories.

- Yeah, but you know, he tricked my real mother

into jumping into the tree shredder.

So I guess he got what was coming to him.

- Sounds like he did.

Hey look, Troy and I have been putting our heads together.

- Yeah, I noticed.

Guess you thought I was asleep.

- No, no, look, we come up with a plan

where we can make some money

and blow this place once and for all.

- Sounds good to me.

I don't feel much like dragging

three more bodies out to the woods.

- Okay, this is it.

We hit Donkey Land this afternoon.

- Donkey Land?

- Yeah, Troy knows the layout.

He used to work there a few years back.

- What are we gonna do,

rob one of those booths where you pay to get in?

- No, no, look, there's this guy who goes around

and collects money from the restaurant,

but before he drops it off,

he always stops back in his office.

It's gonna be a breeze.

Troy has the whole thing wired.

Come on, let's get our butts in gear.

- [Tammy] And so with a certain wistfulness,

we took our leave of that suburban abode

for what I thought would be the last time.

A short time later we were streaming down the highway.

Wild and sexed up with the amphetamine we took.

Our attention fixed totally on the ecstatic future

which lay just ahead.

- You know, I'm telling you baby,

you're gonna ooh all over Mexico.

- Tell me about it again.

- Well, there's tacos and there's enchiladas

and refried beans more than any

three people can ever eat in a life time.

- And everything's cheap.

Shit, on what we make in this heist,

we'll be able to live like a bunch of high class models

in a slick magazine.

- That's right little buddy.

We're gonna have ourselves, the villa overlooking acap Poco.

Dozens of hot little, smooth skin serpents.

Oh, we'll just lie around all day and fuck all night.

- Oh boy, oh boy.

Our favorite thing in all the world.

- Just you wait, just you wait little buddy, just you wait.

- [Tammy] But I began to experience

strange flashes of paranoia

the closer to Donkey Land we got.

- [Troy] There she blows.

- You wanna wait here honey bunch?

- No, I'm gonna come with you.

I mean, if something should go wrong,

I think we should die together.

- Nothing's gonna go wrong.

Nobody's gonna start shooting, hell, it's park policy.

They might shoot some innocent people.

- No.

I'm starting to feel like I took some bad acid or something.

- Well, how would you know?

You've never taken any good acid.

- I've read about it.

- All right, let's cut the chatter

and take care of business.

(people chattering)

All right, all right, now this is it.

The money room's over there.

- This place is a kitsch monstrosity.

A demented cacophony of all castrated dreg.

Look at all these mindless dark broad vermin.

It's all too much.

- I'm scared.

I mean, I, I keep thinking

all these people are looking at us.

- Look, don't get paranoid now baby.

Just wait here.

Troy, you ready?

- Yeah, in a second.

I gotta go take him dump.

- [Link] A crap.

- Link, Troy scares me too.

I mean, I know he's cute and he's great in a sack

and everything, but I don't know.

I think there's something wrong with his mind.

- No, look, this place just makes him up tight.

That's all.

He had a bad experience when he worked here.

- What?

- Well one time Pinocchio caught him

jerking off over there inside the mountain.

And when Troy's dad found out,

he made Troy take a piece of coarse grain sand paper.

- [Tray] Hey.

- God, that had to be the world's fastest dump.

- Reach, fuck head!

Damn it.

We're too late.

Let's get outta here.

God dang.

- Wait.

That's him.

- Get out of the way.

Freeze you fuck!

You you make a move and I'll blow your ears off.

Come on, let's do it!

- All right, all right.

Shit.

- Hold it right there you blonde scum.

(gun firing)

- Fuck.

- Calm down.

What the hell are you doing?

- Nothing, I'm just looking.

You see they got some new rides over there.

- Save it baby.

Bow put your buns in motion.

Troy, do you remember the number?

- No way, man.

You were driving just.

- Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

- There it is.

- Come on.

Damn, I think we made it.

- [Troy] We made it yeah!

r M-I-C-K-U-I-L-O-U-S-E r

- I told you it'd be easy!

- Shit, like taking a dildo from a baby.

- How much did we get?

- We got thousands, thousands.

- All right, all right, look,

now we hold up overnight and tomorrow,

it's Mexico, here we come.

- All right.

- Tomorrow?

- Tammy, come on.

It's only for one more night.

- I know, but I thought we kissed

this place goodbye for good.

- So did I.

But I didn't anticipate having to grease

a guy back there to save Troy's life.

It's murder now baby.

They're gonna be watching our border for sure.

- Tammy, I know a guy who can fly us down

in Cessna first thing tomorrow.

All we have to do is kick back for the next 12 hours

and have the time of our lives.

- I sure know what sensuality is all about now.

- This is just a little taste what lies in Mexico baby.

- I sure feel satisfied.

And to think I used to badmouth women.

- Don't look at me, little buddy.

hell, I'm rung out like a limp snake.

- I feel just as calm and placid as a cow on a blue lake.

- I gotta take a whiz.

- It must be about time for the news, huh?

- I need a cigarette.

- Better by three.

- Honey, where's the Tang?

" The Tang?

- Yeah, I put it right here in my bag

when I thought we weren't coming back.

- It has to be here.

- I wouldn't have left something like that behind.

Hey look.

- [Reporter] That was just another normal day

at America's favorite theme park.

But within minutes the place was berserk with shock

and grief as people dropped in their tracks.

Park officials had this to say.

- Oh my God, I think I know what happened to the Tang.

- [Reporter] How do you think it happened?

- Well it had to be someone who was familiar with the park.

See they got to the central soda supply

and contaminated both the syrups and the water

that go out to the various restaurants and concessions.

By the time we realized what was happening,

people were dropping like flies.

I'm sorry I haven't cried since I saw ET

but this is too much.

- Troy, how could you?

- It was easy.

They were all pukes.

They had it coming.

- This could complicate things.

- Why?

What's the problem?

We got away, didn't we?

(dog barks) (voice chattering)

- What the fuck was that?

- Sounds like a bullhorn.

- Oh shit.

- [Man] Coem out with your arms out!

The Orange County sheriffs SWAT team.

Strip and come out with their hands over their heads.

And when I say strip I mean strip.

Bra, panties, jock straps, the works.

You first, Tammy Bieber Dorf, you filthy blonde slut.

- Shit, they know my name.

- Look, don't freak out now baby.

If we can make it to the next block, we'll be home free.

- [Man] This is not bullshit, you've got 15 seconds.

- Troy, you ready?

- You your butt I am.

- All right, through the other bedroom.

Go.

- [Man] Come out with your hands in the air.

The Orange County Sheriffs SWAT team.

You've got five seconds.

Wait, Troy, Troy Brady.

There's somebody here that wants to talk to you.

- Shit, they know my name too.

- [Man] Troy, Troy this is your father.

_ Dad?

- [Dad] Troy, I just want you to know

that no matter what you may have done,

your mother and I are prepared to stand behind you.

- Mom.

- Troy, Troy, don't listen.

It's just a trick.

- [Dad] Troy, I know we weren't

the best parents in the world.

Many of the time I blooded your pretty pink lips

and your mother or I always dressing you up

like Nancy Sinatra, circa 1966

and stubbing her cigarettes out in your crotch.

But we've turned over a new leaf, Troy, come to us.

- For God sakes, Troy, your parents are dead.

You killed them.

- Maybe I didn't.

Maybe it was all just a badass acid trip.

- Oh shit, he's flipping out.

- [Dad] Troy, listen, your mother and I

have been reborn as kind and gentle parents.

We are no longer afraid to come right out

and say what we could never say before.

That we love you, Troy.

Oh good God all mighty, we love you.

Troy, throw down your gun and step into the light

so we can give you a big cathartic hug.

‘ A hug?

That's just what they never gave me, a hug.

- [Dad] Troy come to us, step into the light.

- No, no.

- Don't touch me.

You people are evil.

I want to be a little boy again.

With my mommy and daddy.

I want to go home.

(Troy crying)

Dad?

(gun firing)

You were right.

It was a trick.

I never could trust my father.

(siren blares)

- Link, come on.

The suburbs vomiting terror all around us,

we somehow managed to allude the police

long enough for Link to hot wire a car.

Unfortunately, in all the confusion,

Link had forgot to pick up the money

so we were up shit creek

as far as flying to Mexico was concerned.

Nearly a month has gone by since that fateful night,

and we've been running ever since until,

to be blunt, we are sick of running.

Been holed up in his house in LA

for several weeks now after murdering

the owner who was a disturbed Vietnam veteran who's fixing

to crash Bow Ho's birthday party with a flame thrower.

We've known for some time now that our time's running out.

We still miss Troy more than words could ever say.

I cry myself to sleep almost every night

thinking about how they blew him away like that.

Sometimes when the hot San Ana winds

are whipping the shit out of the dirty palms,

it's almost as though I can hear his voice

whispering through the filthy fronds

and sudden gusts of tortured poignance.

Well, I see a Link coming back from the market now,

so I guess I should sign off.

More later I think.

What's wrong?

- The checker named me Lucky's.

She started screaming at me.

She said I killed her niece at Donkey Land.

SWAT team was pulling up out front

when I ducked through a back stock room.

- Well do you think they followed you?

- There they are.

Plain clothes men.

I'm afraid this is it, baby.

- I guess you're right.

(dramatic music)

(door knocks)

(dramatic music)

(door knocks)

(dramatic music)

- Somebody's home, I hear a radio.

Oh well.

(dramatic music)