All language subtitles for Two and a Half Men - S01E06 - Did You Check with the Captain of the Flying Monkeys (1080p AMZN WEB-DL x265 HEVC 10bit EAC3 2.0 RCVR) [UTR]

( cartoon music playing on TV )

Hi.
Hi, Uncle Charlie.

How was your game?

Ah, the musicians'
softball league is a joke.

Guys trying to catch stuff
that isn't there.

People throwing up on
an easy double play ball.

So why do you go?

There's an open bar,
and they let me pitch.

Well, I've got to get dressed.

Uh, I was going to
throw this toast out,

but it's yours
if you want it.

When did I become
the family dog?

Hey, Jake, what's this?
A phone message?

Yeah, some lady
called for you.

Who? I can't
read your writing.

"You're a big, selfish jerk."

Okay, I know who this is.

Amy.

Probably Amy.

Yep, Amy.
She wants you to call her back.

Yeah, that'll happen.

Why not?

Because I never said
I'd call her back.

Remember this, Jake.

Never make promises to women
that you don't intend to keep.

And you know how you do that?

Always keep my promises?

That might work.

A better way
is never make promises.

What happens if Amy calls again?

Okay, I'm glad you asked that.

When the phone rings
at Uncle Charlie's house,

we don't just willy-nilly pick
up the receiver and answer it.

No.

What we do,

is we check the caller ID.

And only pick up if we
want to talk to that person.

Like Mom?

That depends.

Your mom, yes.
My mom, no.

How come you don't want
to talk to your mom?

I'll tell you all about that
when you're old enough to drink.

What if I want
to talk to your mom?

Okay, that kind of attitude

is going to break down
the whole system.

* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *

* Men... *

( phone ringing )

Dad, no,
don't pick up the phone!

Why not?

It might be your mom.

Or a woman.

It's Amy again.
She just won't give up.

Charlie...

Hey, look, I appreciate
the need for privacy,

but I think you're
sending a bad message

to my son about how
to deal with women.

How so?

He thinks it's okay
to avoid somebody

just because the conversation
might be uncomfortable.

Charlie?

Okay, that's
not funny.

Look, if I'm teaching
the kid anything,

it's honesty.

Really?

Walk me
through the lesson, Charlie.

Educate me.

Okay.

I tell women up front
I'm not looking

for a long-term relationship.

Mm-hmm.

If they don't believe me

or they're determined
to change my mind,

I have a right to avoid
that conversation.

And the phone company
obviously agrees with me,

otherwise they wouldn't
have invented Caller ID.

Uncle Charlie, what if somebody
you don't want to talk to

comes over instead of calls?

Tell them I'm not here.

He's not here, Grandma!

Mom, you just
surprised me.

You should
have called first.

Charlie, I call constantly.

You screen like
an Olympic drug tester.

I'm happy
to see you, Mom.

I don't believe you, sweetheart,

but at least
you care enough to lie.

Hey, I care enough to lie.
You just caught me off-guard.

So what are
you doing here?

Well, I'm showing
a house up the beach,

and I thought while
I'm in the neighborhood,

I would drop off a gift
for my grandson.

You're writing him a check?

What kind
of gift is that?

You told me he likes
Transformer toys.

This check transforms
into any toy he wants.

Wow, thanks, Grandma.

Is that all?
Don't I get a hug?

Oh, your grandma loves you

so, so, so much.

Oh! Grandma's got
to go to work.

Nobody just gives her checks.

Walk me out.

In case
you're at all interested,

I've been
seeing a man,

and he just may be
the one.

Hey, five time's a charm.

Four.

But what about
the guy with the...?

That was annulled.
Oh.

Oh, boy, are we
going to have a new daddy?

Oh, bite me, Charlie.

Now I'd like to have
a dinner at the house

so you boys can meet him.

What night is good for you?

Uh, what night
do you want us?

Uh, uh, uh.
I asked you first.

( both mumbling )

...check my calendar...
...don't really want to...

Tomorrow night.
7:00.

It's very important to me,
and I hope you can make it.

But I'll certainly
understand

if you're too busy
for your mother.

You know what she's
trying to do, don't you?

Of course I know.

Then maybe one
of us should go.

Oh, sure, you go,
I look bad.

What do you care?

I don't care.
Then don't go.

I'm not going.
I'm not going either.

I'm not staying.

We'll eat, we'll go.

No coffee, no dessert.

We can't be rude.

Watch me.
I refuse to let that woman...

Hi, Mom.

Better late than never.

We're right on time.

I was referring
to the big picture.

Hey, Grandma.

And look, you've brought Jake
to meet my new beau.

Come here,
sweetheart.

Now tonight, you and I
are going to play a game,

and the name of the game is...

"Don't call me Grandma."

What kind of game is that?

It's a fun game, honey.

It only has one rule:
you have to call me "Evelyn."

Okay.

Try it.

Evelyn.

See? We're having
fun already.

Oh, look, you
didn't bring wine.

Good. Too many people
bring wine.

Tommy, darling.

I'd like you
to meet my sons.

This is Charlie.

Hello.
Hi, Tommy, how are you?

Alan.

Hello.
Alan.

And this is Jake.

Yes, I am, Evelyn.

Let's not beat it
to death, okay?

Good to meet you, Jake.

Oh!

There you are.

Boys, this is Tommy's
daughter, Olivia.

Hey, hello, Charlie.

Hey, there... stranger.

You two know
each other?

I thought I knew him.

Oh, no.

Okay, who'd
like a drink?

I would like a drink.

Charlie, come help me
with drinks.

Alan, talk to Olivia.

Alan was a cesarean.

Oh.

It-it wasn't,
uh, medically necessary.

She just...
had a function to go to.

Is there anyone

in the 310 area code
that you have not mounted?

Come on, we went out
a couple of times.

She assumed it was
an exclusive thing,

and when she found out
it wasn't,

she got a little upset.

Anyway, Tommy seems
like a real nice guy.

I'm very happy for you.
Good night.

Charles...

you are not going anywhere.

This man
is very important to me.

No we are going
to have a nice dinner,

you are going to be charming,

and Tommy will remain
oblivious to the fact

that you've
defiled his daughter.

Hey, she wasn't exactly
"filed" when I met her.

You don't know how lucky you are

to have a mother like Evelyn.

She is the warmest,
most affectionate,

giving woman I've ever know.

That's my mom.

Call her "Evelyn."

That's the game.

You play your game;
I'll play mine.

Here we are.

There's my little
karaoke cupcake.

Oh, Tommy, you are
not telling that story!

We took one of those
little cruises to Alaska,

glaciers and whales--
I didn't quite see

the point of it all--
but during the evening,

there was this
karaoke competition.

And as you know, I'm no
stranger to the stage.

Yes, Mom, I know.

Excuse me.

Uh, anyway, you know how
I've always sung, um,

"These Boots Are
Made For Walking"?

With my little dance routine.

Yes, Mom, I-I have it
on my wedding video.

So how have you been?

Um, you know...

No, I don't.

When people
don't return your calls,

it's kind of hard to know
how they've been.

Okay, look, I know this
is an awkward coincidence...

It's no coincidence.

When my father told me
who he was dating,

I made it a point to be here.

Oh...

well, you can't argue
the awkward part.

So I'm zipping up my boots,
I am about to go onstage,

when this hausfrau
from Tone-Deaf Texas

gets up and starts

singing my song.

Well, I think you could
imagine how unhappy I was.

OLIVIA:
Don't tell me
to calm down!

You lied to me.

I did not lie to you.

And you could have
told me this on the phone.

Your never
answer your phone.

Of course not.

Who wants to have
this conversation?

So, um, uh, I, uh, I
sidled up to the woman

and-and really very smoothly,
turned it into a duet.

When suddenly,

she starts pushing me...

OLIVIA:
You said I was
very special

to you.

You were.

Yeah. Me and three
other women.

I said you were special.
Not unique.

Drop dead,
you bastard!

E-Excuse me.

In my defense...

Ah, screw it.

Finish the story,
Evelyn.

Did you push her back?

Stupid musicians' league.

I don't know
why I bother.

Get this: tie score,
we're down to our last out.

Our best hitter,
Billy Kresky, is up.

The bases are loaded.

So is Kresky.

His whole family
is standing behind the backstop,

crying and pleading,
"Go back to rehab, Daddy!

We love you!"

Needless to say,
he choked.

Charlie, I think we've
got a bigger problem.

Our mother is missing.

Oh, don't try
to cheer me up.

I'm serious.

I called her home, her car,
her cell. Nothing.

Did you check with the captain
of the flying monkeys?

Charlie...

She's probably just sulking

because I screwed up
her dinner party last week.

That's what I thought, too,
except I called her office,

and they haven't heard
from her either.

Okay, that's weird.

Yeah, I think somebody
needs to go over there

and make sure she's okay.

Good idea.

You do that,

and I'll stay here
in case she calls.

Wh-Why don't you go,

and I'll stay here
in case she calls?

No, I got to be honest.
I like my idea better.

Well, I'm not going there alone.

I'm not going
at all!

What do you want to bet
she ran off to Vegas

to marry this Tommy guy.

Hey, i-if that's all
this is, great.

The only downside would be

that you slept
with our stepsister.

Huh. I hadn't
thought of that.

Kind of sexy.

Kind of sick.

I'm saying.

Look, there's
no one here.

Let's go.

No, no,
I want to take a look.

You have a key?

I'm the good son.

ALAN:
Mom?

Okay, she's not here.
Let's go.

Okay, she's here.
Let's go.

Charlie, wait a minute.

Mom,

are you all right?

Why-why haven't you
been answering the phone?

I didn't want
to burden anyone

with my grief
over the late Tommy Pearson.

Tommy died?

Well...

he's dead to me.

Okay. What happened?

He dumped me.

Mom, I'm sorry, but the thing
between me and his daughter

happened years before
you even met the guy.

This has nothing to do
with you, Charlie.

God, you're a narcissist.

No, Tommy left me for some
fresh-faced 45-year-old bimbo.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Mom.

I-I know he meant
a lot to you.

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, too.

Thank you, Alan.
Nice try, Charlie.

Now, if you'll
both please leave,

I'd like to be alone.

We understand.

Charlie, wait.

We can't just
leave her here.

Fine. Where do you want
to leave her?

Hey, Mom, why don't you, uh,

why don't you come back
and stay at Charlie's house

for a few days?
How's that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
time out.

Don't worry, Charlie.

I have no desire to impose
on your life.

Appreciate it.
All right, then, chin up.

You sure, Mom?

Yes. Thank you, Alan.

Okay.

Oh, God...

( quietly ):
So close.

How long is she going
to sit out there?

I don't know.

I've never seen her
this depressed.

Somebody's got
to go out there

and show her
a little love and support.

Jake?

Um, w-why don't you go out
and talk to Grandma?

Why?

'Cause she's a little lonely.

She's your mom.

Don't sass me.
Go talk to Grandma.

Hi, Evelyn.

Oh, please, call me Grandma.

Well, what about the game?

Games are for children, Jake.

You know, Uncle Charlie
got me a metal detector,

and sometimes I find
cool stuff on the beach.

That's nice, but you know,

that cool stuff
is stuff that other people lost

and will never get back.

Trinkets and treasures

buried beneath
the lonely sands of time.

Yeah, but finders, keepers,
right?

And losers, weepers.

He's getting killed
out there.

Well...

he's not crying yet.

Somebody needs to go out there
and back him up.

Ten bucks says
it's not me.

Hey, what's going on
with you two...?

Kid's got a bladder
the size of a pea.

You were a bed wetter,
if I recall.

You know...
you know what-what

Jake would-would really
get a kick out of?

If you could sing while Charlie
played the piano, huh?

Oh, oh, no, Alan.
I couldn't.

Besides,
Charlie always hated that.

Are you kidding?
It was his idea!

( laughs )

( playing lively intro )

EVELYN:
* These boots are made
for walkin' *

* And that's just
what they'll do *

* One of these days
these boots are gonna... *

( playing slowly )

Pick it up, Charlie.

We're walking, not crawling.

Are you ready,
boots?

( playing jazzy riff )

Okay, now.

One more time!

EVELYN:
A-one, two.

One, two, three.

* You keep sayin'
you got... *

Mom? You okay?

Oh, go back to bed, Charlie.

No, I'm up.

Hard to sleep
after a big show.

Thank you for that.

It brought back
some nice memories.

You still got some chops, Mom.

You were rushing the tempo
towards the end there.

Sorry. I always get
a little carried away

when you do
the James Brown medley.

Oh, Charlie.

Your mother's
a real sad case, isn't she?

Oh, you'll get over him.

There's other guys.

He never even called.

He never even said good-bye.

Maybe... maybe he was scared.

Of what?

I knew there were
no promises, no strings.

That-that doesn't mean
there can't be common courtesy.

Huh.

To think I meant
that little to him.

It'll be okay, Mom.

Hey, you still got me and Alan.

Oh, Charlie, please.

I know how difficult
things are between us.

Maybe it's my fault.

It's not all your fault.

I-I probably haven't been
the best son.

( sighs )

I just want you
to know that

in my way,
I want you to be happy, and...

...I love you.

Well, I guess I'll go pack.

Why?

Oh, I'm going home.

In the middle
of the night?

Charlie, you just said
you loved me.

You could only screw it up
from here.

( playing "Love Me Tender"
on piano )

* Oh, my darling, I love you

* And I always will.

( playing final notes )

Donkey Kong!

"Danke Schoen."

"Danke Schoen!"

"Danke Schoen." B flat.

One, two...